The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 19 - I Love What You Do for Me - full transcript

♪ Doo dah, doo dah ♪

BOTH ♪ Oh, the doo dah day. ♪

Ah, hey.

What?

We have

really good harmony.

Yeah, we do.

We're like the Jonas Brothers.

Right? Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you
have going on today?

Uh, work, of course, but first,
I'm going to give blood,



and then I have a meeting
with my financial advisor.

Yeah, I got nothing.

Well, not nothing.

I'm taking my Prius
in for a tune-up,

so that's something.

You should get them to check
out that mystery smell.

Oh, it was an old
egg salad sandwich

in the glove compartment.

Mystery solved.

So, uh, I've got
patients all morning,

but do you want to meet
for lunch at our place?

Ooh, I love that we have a place.

You know, I've never had a
place with a guy before,

unless you count Richard and
I at the marriage counselor.



Oh, thank you, sir.

You're welcome, madam.

Oh.

You know what's nice?

Hmm?

This.

Us.

So comfortable.

I'm happy.

Look at us.

We're like one of those
way-too adorable couples

in an erectile
dysfunction commercial.

Mm.

♪ Oh, the doo dah day. ♪

♪The New Adventures of Old Christine 5x19 ♪
I Love What You Do for Me
Original Air Date on April 21, 2010

Mmm. Oh, come on.

Not in the kitchen.

I eat expired food in here.

Oh, relax.

There's nothing going on.

Now, but last night
we had it going on.

Ew. I don't like when I'm that guy.

I don't know.

That guy was pretty
good last night.

Ew.

Yeah.

Hmm? Bye.

See you later.

What?

I knew you guys were doing it.

I can always tell.

Wow. That's a superpower that
must come in handy never.

You guys have quite
a thing going. Yeah.

It's comfortable.
It's nice. It's calm.

Ooh. Comfortable. Calm.

Sexy.

It is sexy. We have a
nice routine.

I even go to the
bathroom in front of him.

I don't think you
know what sexy means.

No, she does.

Bathroom stuff can be sexy.

Real sexy.

What in the hell is wrong with you?

My girlfriend's 18 months pregnant.

Everything else seems
real sexy by comparison.

Eating this cereal is
like a Cinemax movie.

Mmm.

Well, anyway, for once in my life,
I'm without drama.

Well, that's nice.

You deserve it. Hmm.

Well, you don't,
but it's still nice.

Oh, my life is in
a good place, too.

No drama, no surprises.

Oh, that reminds me.
I can't live with you anymore.

What are you talking about?

I'm moving back in
with New Christine.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

You know we signed a lease.

I can't afford the
apartment all by myself.

Well, you can always
move back in with me.

I'm sorry, but New Christine and I

are having a baby together,
remember?

We just bought a hibachi
together, remember?

I mean, we were going
to grill shrimp

on the balcony together, remember?

We were going to
grill so many things.

You can always move
back in with me.

Sorry. Baby beats hibachi.

Yeah. Matthew's about
to beat Richard.

Move back in with me.

I'll help you find a new roommate.

It's an apartment by the beach.

It's not gonna be difficult.

Me. Me. Me, me, me.

No, no, no. Me.

No, no. Me, me, me.

No, no, no, no... Me, me, me...

Are you Ms. Campbell?

Oh.

Um, yeah.

I only ate two donuts.

Okay, well, I have one in my purse.

Okay, I have two in my purse.

Okay, I ate three.

You can have all the
donuts you want.

I ate five.

The service department just brought

your paperwork over to me,

and I notice that your lease is up.

Oh, no, no, no.
I have a five-year lease.

Right. It's been five years.

What?!

No, that's not possible.

I bought this car right
after my divorce.

What?!

Have I been divorced
for five years?

What?!

Did I really just eat five donuts?

Well, time and donuts go fast.

Not this fast.

I bought this car

to symbolize the start of
big changes in my life.

Where are the big changes?

Wow. I've accomplished nothing.

I'm a big fat failure.

Admit it, I'm a big fat failure.

I'm not going to admit that.

Five years really isn't that long.

Most people don't change
that much in that time.

Why? What were you
doing five years ago?

Five years.

Yeah, that's what I said-
five years.

No, that's what I was doing-
five years.

In Chino State for jury tampering.

See? Well, everyone changes.

God, this blows.

I'm still in the same crappy house,

I own the same crappy gym,

Richard's moving back in with
New Christine, which means,

I'm going to be the same
crappy Old Christine forever?

Just admit it.

I don't know any of
this stuff, ma'am.

I just know that you have two
days left for your lease,

and they sent me out here

to see if I can put you
in a beautiful new car.

No. You know what?

I have two days to
make something happen.

And I promise you,
when I come back here,

you're going to see a
whole different person.

Someone who has done something.

Great. Well, when you come back,
don't forget to ask for Jasper.

Oh, thank you. I will, Jasper.

Oh, I'm not Jasper.

Thank you.

Uh, we'll be in touch.

In hell!

What was wrong with that guy?

He was playing pocket pool

the entire time he
was talking to me.

When did that become a bad thing?

Ugh! All these people
are psychos and freaks.

I'll never find a roommate.

Because you expect too much.

"He smells."

"He's wearing a hockey mask."

"She had a parrot on her shoulder."

Maybe you're just too picky.

Picky? I have two criteria:

the room shouldn't smell
like you after you leave,

and don't kill me in my sleep.

Hi. I'm Ken.

I'm here about the ad.

All right, Ken, before you come in,

I've had to disqualify people
today for the following reasons.

Please let me know if any
of these apply to you.

All right.
Do you have an evil twin?

Is there anything I
must see on YouTube?

We you ever fired from a carnival?

Are you now or have you
ever been an adult baby?

Wow. You've been meeting
a lot of weirdoes, huh?

Yeah, you have no idea.

Well, um, I'm pretty normal.

Uh, actually, you wouldn't
see that much of me

'cause I'm on the road
about three weeks a month.

I'm a swimsuit model photographer.

Ah, swimsuit model photographer.

Weird. Thanks anyway.

No. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Come on. Come on in.

Oh, you have a great place.

Thanks.

Oh. Decent kitchen.

I'm a big cook.
I hope you don't mind.

Mind? No. We've been eating
ramen noodles for four months.

I sweat chicken flavor.

I was going to be a chef.

I went to culinary school.

But don't worry.
I clean up after myself.

I'm a bit of a neat freak.

Are you crying?

Well, I think we've heard
everything we need to.

We're sorry to waste your time,
but as it turns out,

this place is already tan,
but thanks for coming.

Taken? Richard, can I talk to you?

Uh, Ken, do you mind
waiting in the hallway

for just a minute?
It's a very nice hallway.

It's haunted.

It's not haunted.

Uh, please don't leave.

Oh, and one question.

Would you ever borrow
another person's toothbrush?

I did it once.

I would rather kill myself.

Oh, please don't leave.

Max,

what are we doing?

What are we doing? It's Wednesday.

We're splitting Lo Mein.

Yeah, exactly.

And it's the same
thing every Wednesday.

And then tomorrow's Thursday,

which means I'm gonna
sleep at your house,

and you'll make pasta,

and we'll eat it in your bed,

and I'll spill wine on
your expensive duvet,

and you'll pretend it
doesn't bother you.

Right. Thursday, which is
why I have a Thursday duvet.

But everything's the
same all the time.

Nothing ever changes.

Well, we like comfortable,
remember?

Yeah, that was before I talked
to the guy who wasn't Jasper.

Who's Jasper?

I said he wasn't Jasper.

Do you know that I've had
the same car for five years?

Wow, that's a lot of
Filet-O-Fish wrappers

for only five years.

And what have I
accomplished in five years?

I don't know. You met me.

Ugh.

Ugh?

No. I didn't mean it like that.

It's just...

It's like everybody is
moving forward except me.

Richard's having a new baby.

Barb became a U.S. citizen.

Matthew became a doctor.

Well, not a real doctor.

A psychologist.

Right, a psychologist, like me.

Ugh. And here we are.

At the same place,
at the same table,

you know, standing still

while life is just passing us by.

So what do you suggest we do?

We need forward motion.

We need to shake up our universe.

I can't let another five years
go by without some big change.

All right.

You want change?
I'll give you change.

Really?

Christine

I-don't-know-your-middle-name
Campbell...

...will you marry me?

Marry you?

Max. Of course not.

Sit.

Sit in your chair. My God.

Max, you weren't serious, were you?

No. No.

I just wanted to humiliate myself

in front of Chinese people.

Well, I'm sorry, but it was
just so out of the blue.

Well, not really.

I've been thinking about it.

I-I hadn't planned to do it here.

I probably would have
picked a more romantic spot

than Mr. Tung's
Dumpling Hut, but...

But the way you were
going on about change,

it seemed like you were ready.

Yeah. When I said change,
I meant like cutting bangs

or sleeping with Denzel Washington.

I can't believe I kneeled
on a pot sticker for you.

Well, listen, I have
done the marriage thing,

and it wasn't great.

And I don't want to do it again.

It's so stupid.

And really, at our age...

Got it. Got it. The answer's no.

I heard you the first time.

Everybody heard you the
first time. Thank you.

Well, I'm sorry that I
started this whole thing.

Let's just go back to
the way things were.

The way things were. Absolutely.

That sounds great.
Don't worry, folks,

we're going back to
the way things were.

Why are you trying
to get rid of Ken?

Oh, so now it's Ken!

Yeah... it's always been Ken,

ever since we met him
four minutes ago.

I'm just not getting a
good vibe from Ken.

Swimsuit model photographer?

What kind of man objectifies women?

You do-- they named a
sandwich after you at Hooters.

Boy, what's with you?

Why do you like all the freaks,
and then when

the perfect guy comes along,
you think he's all wrong.

I mean, don't you
want me to be happy?

Of course I do.

I just want you to be
slightly less happy than me.

It's like this much less,
not a lot.

I can't believe you're so petty

you don't want me to
be as happy as you,

and you're the one who's leaving.

It's totally irrational.

I'm gonna tell Ken
he can move in. Wait.

Richard, the hallway
is not haunted.

No, not that.

This isn't easy to admit...

but...

living with you these
past few months...

has been awesome.

Don't get me wrong,

I'm happy to be moving
back in with New Christine,

but that means this is the last
bro-partment I'll ever be in.

For you,

there will be so many
more bro-partments.

Stop saying "bro-partment."

All I'm saying is
that when I'm old...

You are already old.

...I'm gonna look back on this time

as a high point of my life.

Saddest sentence ever.

And I was just hoping
that what we had here...

meant as much to you
as it meant to me.

It's stupid, I know.

Go, be with Ken.

Okay.

I've had...

the time of my life.

Our time in the...

bro-partment...

was epic and bro-tastic

and...

...no one will ever bro-place you.

I love you, too.

That is not what I said.

And you should feel free to
live with whoever you want.

Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt.

Uh... I'm not gonna
take the apartment.

I could hear you through the door.

You guys belong together.

I told you he was weird.

Stop hugging me.

So,

I decided I'm going to
turn in my Prius today.

Yeah, why not, right?

I mean, it's silly to
mark time by a car lease.

Well, you should do
what you want to do.

You know, you always do.

And you love that about me, right?

Ah, I could take it or leave it.

Okay, what? What's wrong?

'Cause this-this feels different.

What's wrong? Yes.

I feel rejected and embarrassed.

I know you feel that way all the time,
but it's new for me.

You get used to it.

You're right,
I will get used to it.

We don't have to get married;
we can just date

for the rest of our lives,
like my bachelor aunts in Florida.

I didn't say that I
wanted to date forever.

So you want to break up?

Because those are our two options,

Christine, date or break up.

No. I just want things to...
be the same.

So even though

you were complaining
about not moving forward

and how you wanted change,

when it comes right down to it,
you're all talk.

No, I'm not all talk-
sometimes I'm all action.

You get Denzel Washington
here right now, I'll show you.

Fine, you want things
exactly the way they are,

that's fine, you know?

Some people are afraid of change.

By the way, I'm not real
comfortable with that.

What? Why? It's just pee.

Not always.

Welcome to Toyota.

Can I... Oh, boy.

Hi. I don't know
if you remember me,

but, uh, I was here
the other day...

Yesterday.

And, um,

I said that I was off
to make some changes,

which didn't really materialize.

I see you're wearing the
same shirt as yesterday.

For example.

But I think that I'm
ready to get a new car.

Which just goes to show
you I do not fear change--

so you were wrong about me.

No, I stand by everything I said
about you in the break room.

So...

what are we looking at?

Can I interest you in a Sienna,

a Venza, maybe a Highlander hybrid?

Uh...

I don't know, maybe.

Ooh. Ooh, I like

that car over there.

The silver Prius? Yeah.

That's your old car.

What?

God, what did you do, wash it?

Oh, maybe I should get a new Prius.

Well, great.

And, you know, there have been

some exciting new features added
since you leased your car.

XM Satellite Radio,

voice-activated navigation system,

intelligent parking assist.
No, I like my car

exactly the way it is.

Do you have something like that,

with the same color and interior?

Yes. Your car.

Perhaps we should just
extend your lease.

Yeah, but I want change;
I'm not afraid.

So let's get you into a new car.

Uh, I don't want change.

I'm afraid.

Okay, there's nothing
wrong with that.

Some people want to go through
life like Indiana Jones,

while others are happier
being Regarding Henry.

I put Harrison Ford in a
Tundra truck last month.

Oh. Yeah, I see your point.

Yeah, in a way,
I'm kind of like Indiana Jones.

No, you're Regarding Henry.

What?

Didn't he get shot in the
head and suffer brain damage?

Yeah.

You see,

Indiana Jones has a lot
of fun and adventures,

but gets beat up a lot,
which isn't for everyone.

Regarding Henry just finds
a nice level of happiness

that he's comfortable with,

and learns to read at
a third-grade level.

Yeah, that sounds nice.

But maybe it's time

that I took some chances.

Does this mean...? Yeah,
I think I'm ready to take the next step

in my relationship with Max.

Sure. Why would I think
we're talking about cars?

And I am gonna get this red Prius

with the navigation
system and the TV

in the steering wheel! Yeah,
we don't do that.

Boy, you got to admit
that's a good idea, though.

I will not admit that.

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, I will marry you.

I didn't ask you.

Yes, you did. Yesterday.

And you said no,
so that offer's off the table.

I decided you were right-
what we have is great.

Well, I decided you were right-
what we haveucks.

We should get married.

What happened to you?

I'm going through the change.

Ugh! I figured.

You know, you're always
hot when I'm cold...

No, no, no, not that change.

I'm changing my life.

Although, wow,
it is hot in here, right?

I got a red Prius today.

It's all new and different,
and I love it.

And I love you.

So yes.

Again, no one's asking.

Okay. Really, I do, I understand.

You're hurt... and rejected.

So...

Ow! Ooh!

God, something just popped.
What are you...

what are you doing?

Will you marry me?

No! Get up.

No, I'm not gonna get up until
you say you'll marry me.

You wanted to;
you asked me yesterday.

How could your feelings
have changed in one day?

Yours did!

Do you really not want to marry me?

I don't... want you to ask me.

Oh. Okay, then you ask me.

But I can't get up.

Seriously, something bad has
just happened to my knee.

Christine...

still-don't-know-your-
middle-name Campbell...

against all my better judgment,
professional training

and the advice of both our
waiter and our busboy...

...I'm asking...

will you marry me?

No.

I'm kidding. Yes!

Mmm.

So, this...

how is this gonna work?

Oh. Well, um, I don't think
we should change everything

just because we're engaged.

I mean, I think I should
still sleep at your place

on Tuesdays and Thursdays
when Ritchie's with his dad.

Yeah, and I'd like to stick with
our Chinese food Wednesdays.

Yeah, I don't want a ring.
I don't want to buy you one.

And let's not tell people.

God, no, no. People
would think I was crazy.

Uh... if I understand this,
we're...

we're just gonna do exactly
what we're doing now.

Yes. Except we're engaged.

We're engaged!

Great, now no one cares.

So, as you can see,
the apartment's small,

but it's near the beach.
I like cozy-- and you have a balcony.

I can finally get
rid of my tan lines.

Oh. And I can finally get
rid of my binoculars.

You're funny. I like funny.

I'm funny.

Oh, I'm going to school at night,

so if it's okay, I might bug you
to help me with my homework.

Oh, what are you studying? Massage.

The balcony's haunted.

Richard!

Dude, we bought a hibachi.

You know what, let's discuss
this in the hallway, please.

Uh...

Uh...

Welcome to the neighborhood.