The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 20 - Scream - full transcript

♪ Ooh. ♪

Christine Campbell? Yes.

I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm Officer Johnson.

May I talk to you for a moment?

Officer Johnson?

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

I... gosh, I can't
believe Barb did this.

This is my birthday present.

I was going to send her one,

you know, for her 40th, but, uh...



...I chickened out

This won't take too long.

Ooh, all business.

I like that.

All right, come on in, Officer...

...Johnson.

Okay, so, um,
where would you like me?

Should I sit

or is, is that too package level?

Are you okay, ma'am?
'Cause you seem pretty...

You think I'm pretty? Thank you.

I was going to say "pretty drunk."

Oh.

There's been a series of
break-ins in the neighborhood



and a couple of cars
have been stolen.

Ooh, will you protect me?

I'm a little bit scared.

Yeah, I'm a little scared myself.

Oh, are those handcuffs for me?

We're getting close to that.

Hey.

What's happening?

What's a cop doing here?

He's my birthday stripper.

Oh, God, you sent
yourself a stripper?

No, you sent me a stripper.

I did not.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, I've been going
around the neighborhood

making people aware they need

to keep an extra eye on security.

Up until now,
it's been pretty easy.

Oh, my-- oh, I'm just-
I'm incredibly embarrassed.

I-I thought that you
were a stripper,

but, you know, I mean,
that's a compliment, really.

Well, thank you.

For the record,
you could be a hooker.

Thank you.

♪The New Adventures of Old Christine 5x20 ♪
Scream
Original Air Date on May 5, 2010

Oh, Barb, what am I going to do?

There is a prowler
in my neighborhood.

Well, first, you're
going to have to come up

with a better word than "prowler."

Makes it sound like you're being
stalked by the Hamburglar.

All right, fine, a bandit.

The point is I am scared.

Okay, I have never had to deal
with anything like this before.

What are you talking about?

I thought your neighborhood had
a Peeping Tom two years ago.

He wouldn't look at me.

Well, I'm sure you're
pretty safe here, too.

The bandit will take
one look at this place,

think it's already been
vandalized, and move on.

No, the point is

that I am the perfect target, okay?

I mean, it's like the
beginning of a horror film:

a young, beautiful
ingenue living alone...

Inside the body of
a crazy old lady.

Okay, stop it!

You are making fun of me and I
am really unprepared for this.

I don't have an alarm.

My windows don't even
close all the way.

My doors are secured
by locks I bought

from a guy in a van.

I mean, they're called Mister Locks

and they're supposed to be
almost as good as Master Locks,

but they're not, Barb, they're not.

Calm down.

Okay.

You'll call an alarm company.
You'll get real locks.

In two days you'll be good to go.

Two days?

What are you talking about?

I can't be alone here for two days.

Oh, will you stay with me, Barb?

You can sleep here on the couch.

Your couch smells like farts.

Well, then,
can I stay at your house?

No, then my couch
will smell like farts.

Barb, what am I going to do?

You'll be a grown-up and
do what grown-ups do:

you'll lock your doors;
you'll be vigilant;

and if there's a problem,

you'll calmly call
Officer Buns for help.

You're going to be fine.

I'll see you tomorrow. Hey,

you know, it's my
birthday tomorrow.

And happy birthday.

Okay, I'm going be fine. I am.

There's nothing to worry about.

Hey. Oh, God!

Geez, what the hell?

God, you scared me.

I thought you were an intruder.

What's going on?

We have some big news.

Yeah, I know, there's a prowler.

No, no, New Christine
is going into labor.

We're going to the
hospital to have our baby.

I just came by to get my camera.

Oh, wow, that is big news.

So you guys

still don't know
what you're having?

No, New Christine does.

I didn't want to know,

but she's going to let
me name it if it's a boy.

I'm going to pick Frank Sinatra.

Anyway, we should go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, actually,
you know what, Richard?

I'm going to need you
to stay here with me.

What?

New Christine's
about to give birth.

I know, but there's a prowler,
and I don't want to be alone.

Well, I don't want to miss
the birth of my... son?

Maybe.

Yes.

Okay, we should really go.

Sorry, Christine,
you're on your own.

All right, fine, I don't need you,

except possibly to
identify my body.

Make sure the paramedics don't
do anything gross with me.

Unless it's funny.

What's going on?

Hey, Matthew,
I don't want to worry you.

Okay. But...

I have a problem.

Okay, I don't want to scare you,

but a stripper came
over today and told me

that there's been a string of
burglaries in my neighborhood,

and I'm not getting my alarm
installed until tomorrow,

so I need you to
move back in with me.

Christine, I'm not coming back.

I have a great life here.

What's so great about it?

Well, uh, we have home-cooked meals

at a table

instead of Hot Pockets on paper
towels in front of the TV.

Uh, we drink from glasses

that aren't permanently stained with wine,
lipstick, and tears.

And we have

uh, nice furniture that
doesn't smell like farts.

Hey.

What's wrong with Hot Pockets?

What's going on?

Matthew, who's your friend?

Oh, she is not my friend.

Hi, I'm Christine.
I'm Matthew's sister.

I'm sure you've
probably heard about me.

Oh, yeah-- please don't
sit on our couch.

Uh...

my sister's having
a bit of a crisis.

What? I didn't say "crisis."

God, you're making
me look paranoid.

There is a marauding
band of land pirates

in my neighborhood, and I'm afraid

that if I'm there alone,
I will be ravaged.

Christine, you've
already been ravaged.

I mean, time has ravaged you.

Stop it, okay?

It's almost my birthday.

I mean, how can you leave
me alone on my birthday?

Is she going to cry?

Because that makes
me uncomfortable.

I don't like being uncomfortable
in my own apartment.

Deal with it, Matthew.

Good Lord, what is her problem?

Who doesn't like crying?

She doesn't have a problem.

She just likes
things a certain way.

You have to go.

Well, Matthew, I hate to bring
this up, but you owe me.

Oh, for what? Who was there for you

when you were too
afraid to sleep alone

after you saw The Shining?

Who took their seven-year-old
brother to see The Shining?

That was not my question.

Okay, fine, you were there. Yeah,

that's right, I was there,
just like I've always been.

I'm sorry, Christine.
I am not coming home.

Okay, fine.

Then I'll stay here...

and do this.

Danny isn't here, Mrs. Torrance.

Please don't do that.

Okay, I'll stop if you
come stay with me.

I am not going to stay with you.

Redrum. Please don't.

Redrum, redrum, redrum!

Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine.

I will stay with you one night,

but just until they
put in the alarm.

Thank you, Matthew.

Well, you're still
only three centimeters.

You've got a ways to go,

so I suggest you go home,
get some rest,

and maybe tomorrow we can...

No, I have to have this baby today.

It has to be today.

Why? Because today is my due date.

A due date is like a promise.

You promised me that I was going
to meet my daughter today.

Daughter?

Or son.

Oh, good.

So is there any way to
move this along? Well,

walking helps.

Uh, some people suggest
eating spicy food,

and it might be an old wives' tale,

but some people say having sex
can help move things along.

This is where I usually make
a joke about my old wife,

but you don't seem like
you're in the mood.

Richard, I want to have sex.

Right now,

with the adjustable bed and the
nurses right outside the door?

That's on my bucket list.

I'm gonna be expecting
a big tip from you.

What the hell is that?

That's my alarm until the
real guy gets here tomorrow.

You know how many cans of chili
I had to eat to make that?

God.

Oh, is that why you have all
those empty wine bottles

against the back door?

No, that's recycling.

Oh, thank you so much
for staying with me.

I feel so much safer having
you back in the house.

Not back in the house,
just one night.

Yeah, I know. So what
do you want to do first?

Should I nuke some
mac and cheese for us

to eat while we wait for
our Chinese to get here?

Actually, I've been
trying really hard

to eat healthy lately.

Uh, Heidi has me
on a raw food diet.

Raw food?

Oh, great, I got cookie
dough in the refrigerator.

Oh, and you know
what's on TV tonight?

What Surgeons Left Behind-- a new one.

On the preview they kept showing

a doctor wearing just one clog.

You know what?
I think I'm just going

to go read for a little while.

Wait, Matthew, maybe you
didn't understand me.

I think the doctor's other clog

is in the patient.

No, I know, and that sounds great.

Yeah. But I think
it would be better

if I just hang out
in the guesthouse.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

Just call me if you get scared.

Okay, and you call
me if someone tries

to break through your
bathroom door with an ax.

God, I hate you.

No, no, no!

Matthew, you scared me.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing. I was just
going to get some water,

and then I saw that you
were at the good part

of Blades of Glory.

Good part?

Is there a bad part?

You want to watch the rest with me?

No, I shouldn't.

I was just gonna get that water.

Is that queso dip?

Yup.

It's a delicious
processed cheese food

with a full-day
supply of trans fats.

Sure smells good.

Smells like...

America?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Matthew.

One chip isn't gonna kill you.

It's midnight.

I didn't do it.

The baby's not going to come.

We had sex for nothing.

Not for nothing.

For nothing.

So the baby will come today.

No big deal.

But it is a big deal.

Don't you know what today is?

Sure do.

Happy anniversary.

No, Richard.

It's Old Christine's birthday.

Our baby is going to
have the same birthday,

the same astrological sign,

the same personality,
as your ex-wife.

Hold it in!

You got 24 hours.

I know you can do this.

Stay in there, Frank Sinatra.

This is one crazy star

you do not want to be born under.

Oh!

Oh, no! No! No!

Calm down. It's just me.

You scared me.

Where are you going?

Were you leaving?

No. I was just going
to go get some coffee.

We have coffee here.

Some donuts.

We have donuts here.

Smokes.

That's what Dad always
says before he leaves Mom.

Okay, I'm going home.

What? Why?

Because you're a bad
influence on me.

How am I a bad influence?

I want to move forward, okay?

This feels like moving backwards.

I'm not your little
brother anymore.

I'm my own person.

Oh. Didn't hear you complaining
last night. Hey, no.

Stop it! That is not what
you say to your brother.

It's inappropriate.

I am never moving back here.

Do you hear me? Never.

I mean, it would make me a loser.

Oh, so now I'm a loser?

Good-bye, Christine.

Huh. That's unusual.

Is something wrong?

No, everything is fine.

It's just seems your
cervix is closing up.

Oh.

I've never seen anything
like that before.

Unless you count my old wife.

All right, you guys let
me know when you're ready

'cause I got some good ones.

No. She can't have the baby
today because of my old wife.

She doesn't want them
to share a birthday.

Well, when the baby wants to come,
it's coming.

You can't will something like that.

You don't know New Christine.

When she wants to hold out,
she can hold out.

We once went six months
without having sex.

Well, you did.

Right.

Oh.

Well, this is a little
different, you know.

This is a human being

who's ready to come into the world.

Not on this day.

Wow. This is weird.

Your contractions are
getting further apart.

That's amazing and a little scary.

Haven't seen that kind of control

from anybody since my old wife.

And that's not a joke,
just a cold, hard fact.

I can't believe he's gone.

And he is kidding himself

if he thinks that
anyone is gonna love him

the way that I did.

You don't need Matthew.

The alarm guy's coming today.

Yeah, well, he's not gonna
want to live with me, either.

You know, Barb,
having Matthew here last night

made me realize how much
I'd been missing him.

You know, it's like that
week I went off carbs,

or that day I went off wine.

Yeah, that was a bad day.

I just don't understand

how someone can love you one day,

and the next day, it's over.

Like everything was a lie.

Maybe you need to
start coming to work

instead of watching The Bold
and the Beautiful.

Yeah, Barb.

That's me and Matthew.

We're bold.

We're beautiful.

You're old. You're crazy.

Stop it!

Okay? It's my birthday.

Look, people move on.

It's natural.

And he hung in there
with you for a long time.

You should be grateful
for the time you had.

Oh. I wonder what
he's doing right now.

Is that his shirt?

I can't quit him, Barb.

Well, look

who decided to come home.

What?

I didn't know where you were.

Next time, leave a note.

I really don't think
I have to do that.

I mean, we're not related,

and you won't let
me sleep with you.

Matthew, I was really upset

after all that drama
with your sister.

So, there's a new rule.

No family members in the apartment.

What?

There's a reason I don't
talk to my family anymore.

They always want
something from you.

They'ralways calling to say,
"Merry Christmas,"

"We miss you," "
Your dad's in the hospital."

It's, like, "Oh!

Get off me!"

Uh, you don't get to
make rules for me.

Unless you sleep with me,
and then I'll do whatever you want.

But you know what?

Until then, this is my apartment.

But you're illegally
subletting to me,

and if I tell the landlord,
he'll kick you out.

Why just me?

I'm sleeping with the landlord.

Damn.

Listen, Heidi, I'm not
going to tell my sister

she can't come over here.

I mean, sure, she can be a pain,

but she's the only family I got,
and I like hanging out with her.

She's fun; she's crazy;

and she's always been there for me.

I mean, I don't
know what I would do

if I had to go through a
day without seeing her.

Oh, no.

Aah! What is my code?!

Oh, my birth year.

Oh!

Okay, fine.

My real birth year.

Ms. Campbell, I heard
your alarm going off,

and I found this guy hanging
around your back fence.

He says he lives here.

Nope, I live alone.

That's probably 'cause
of all the chili you eat.

Oh, Christine, come on.
I got kicked out of my apartment.

I need a place to stay.

Oh. Well, I guess you
should have thought of that

before you decided to walk
out of my life forever, okay?

After all we have
been through together,

after all I have
done for you, you act

as if I'm likehe worst thing
that ever happened to you.

I'm taking that as
confirmation that you know him.

I'm going to take off.

Maybe become a stripper.

Christine, I'm sorry.

Come on.

It wasn't always
terrible to live he.

Actually, sometimes
it was kind of fun.

Oh. How generous of you to say so.

Can I stay?

Well, I don't know.

I was going to turn the guesthouse

into a gift wrap room.

You don't y people gifts

Okay, you can move back.

Okay.

Not forever, just for now.

Now is all we have.

We're bold.

We're beautiful.

Oh.

Oh, look at the adorable

baby.

Oh. How weird.

She looks just like Matthew.

What's her name?

Dakota Christine Hunter-Campbell.

When was she born?

Two minutes after midnight.

Oh, my gosh!

She was born on my birthday!

No, your birthday was yesterday.

No, that's when I
celebrate my birthday,

but my real birthday is today.

Which is, like,
my mother's birthday.

Yeah, which is why she
celebrated it yesterday.

Oh, we're twins.

Happy birthday to us,
Dakota Christine.

Richard, put the baby back.