The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 5, Episode 21 - Get Smarter - full transcript

So, what movie are
we watching tonight?

Max is picking up
a movie on his way over.

What? No!

It's going
to be French or Dutch

or something that got nominated
for Best Costume.

Oh, give him a chance.

It's nice for us to do something
highbrow every once in awhile.

I'm even serving my nine-dollar
bottle of wine.

All I'm saying is
if he brings another movie

starring a violin, I'm leaving.

You guys are going to love
this documentary I got.



There's this family
that's been making shoes

for over 600 years in the same
small hamlet in Denmark.

This is their story, as told
by their blind neighbor.

I can't do it.

MAX:
Guys,

I'm kidding.
Would I do that to you?

I rented Meatballs!
(all gasping)

And got meatball subs.

(cheering)
You did a theme night?

Oh, my God.
I love you.

I love him, too.

I loved him first.

Hey, guys.
What are we doing?

Max brought a movie over
for movie night.



Good night.
No, no, no!

It's Meatballs.

Good movie.

Hey, where's the baby?
I thought you were
bringing her over.

I was going to, but
New Christine was feeding her.

I'll bring her over next time.

Christine won't let you
hold the baby, will she?

What? Why would you say that?

Of course not.
Did you talk to her?

You know, a lot of new
mothers are overprotective.

Yeah, remember how
I was with Ritchie?
Very protective.

I wouldn't let him
out of my sight.
Where is Ritchie?

I think someone took him
to Disneyland.

(phone ringing)

Oh... I've got to take this.

It's Tony. I won't be long.

Set up the movie.
We better get watching

if you also want to see...

Meatballs 2.

(cheering)

I just love how he fits in
with our group.

That's not easy.
People hate us.

I hate us.

What are his friends like?

I don't know.
I haven't met them yet.

That's a little weird.

No, it's not.

He just hasn't gotten around
to introducing me yet.

He loves me.
Everything is perfect.

And I'm sure he'll introduce me
to his friends soon.

It's not like he's
embarrassed of me, you know?

Why would he be
embarrassed of me?

Aah! Hot! Hot!

Oh! That...!

Why are you registering
for gifts when

you haven't even set a date
for your wedding yet?

So people will know
what to bring me

at my surprise engagement party.

Who's throwing you
a surprise engagement party?

You are.

Surprise.

I'm not throwing you a party.

I'm busy.
I have a business to run.

Your business.

Oh, come on. Barb, please?

I mean, I need to meet
Max's friends

so he'll know that there's
nothing to be nervous about.

And you know what? If you do it,
then you can pick out

anything you want here
and I'll register for it.

Fine, I'll take this
crystal peacock.

You know how bad I always
wanted one of those.

Okay, Matthew,
I'm going to need you

to steal Max's phone,
and go into his contacts

and text all of his friends.

And then, replace his phone
without him knowing.

And if you get caught,
you don't know me.

I wish I didn't know you.

Listen, I'm not helping
you with your crazy scheme.

All right, fine.

Then Max and I
won't get married

and you and I can
grow old together.

Okay, here's the plan.

Every day, Max talks
with his mother

between 11:00 and 12:00.

His mother?
Oh, no.

Yeah, and then he writes
in his journal

for about a half hour
after that.

His journal? Oh, no.

Yeah, then he takes
a very long walk,

and he leaves his phone
behind him on his desk.

That's when I'll get his
friends' numbers.

You know, you could have just
told me the part about the walk.

Yeah, and you could've
just asked to meet his friends.

We don't do things the easy way.

Wasn't expecting
this many people.

I figured Max had
as many friends

as Christine does, so I only
bought one pizza and a 12-pack.

Oh, hey, you
brought the baby.

If you brought any baby food,

why don't you go ahead
and sit it out on the counter.

We can use it as dip.

Can I hold her?

No. You can't even look at her.

She's sleeping.

And she's a light sleeper.

The reason I know that is
because I'm her dad

and I'm allowed to hold her.

(cell phone beeps)

Hey, everybody, Christine
is on her way up the driveway.

Should we yell "surprise"?

No. You'll wake the baby.

Oh, and if you already
had a slice of pizza,

that's it.

(gasping)

What did you guys do?

We threw you a surprise
engagement party

just like you asked.

Max, look at what they did!

All of our friends are here:

Barb and Matthew and, and...

Well, that's all I know.

I texted all your favorites

from your phone
and invited them.

That explains why my Chinese
food delivery guy is here.

You knew about this?

Yeah, well, I thought it
would be a great opportunity

to meet some of your friends,
since you know all mine--

Barb and Matthew and...

Okay, well, we're here.

Let me, uh, introduce you.
Okay, oh!

Is Tony here?
I want to meet your best friend.

Uh, yeah, yeah, Tony's
talking to my locksmith.

Uh, I'll, I'll go get her.

"Her"?

Tony's a girl?

Now, don't freak out.
Men can be friends with women.

No, I know, Matthew.
I'm not going to freak out.

I know men can be
friends with women.

I have a lot of male friends.

You and...

Christine, I would like
for you to meet Tony.

Finally, I get
to meet Christine.

I was starting to think
he was embarrassed of me.

It is so nice to meet you.
I've heard, literally,
everything about you.

Oh, it is so nice
to meet you, too.

I've heard, literally,
nothing about you.

(laughing)
Well, good.

Who wants to hear stories
about someone's ex-wife?

Ex-what? What?

Tony's my ex-wife.
Did I not mention that?

This is a good
surprise party.

Max, can I pull you away

from your ex-wife
just for a minute?

You don't mind,
do you, Tony?

Help yourself
to some pizza and beer.

Ah, bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.

Max!

What the hell?
What?

I cannot believe
that the person

you are calling
every day is your ex-wife.

You're not jealous of my
friendship with Tony,

because that would be
really hypocritical.

You have conversations
with your ex-husband

while we're having sex.

Oh, well, come on,
I needed him to TiVo something.

I-I just, I just think

that it's weird that
you didn't mention it.

Okay, look, I was avoiding
having you two meet,

because I was afraid
you wouldn't get along.

What?! I get along
with everybody.

Ask any of my friend.

It's not you.

Tony's not easy.

You know, she's intimidating.

She's trilingual.
She's a published author.

She got her first
PhD when she was 19.

So what? I got my first
period when I was 14.

Well, she's finally
met her match.

Yeah, and you know,
just so you know,

I did trilingual
once in college, too,

but it's not something
that I go bragging
about at parties.

Marly and Lindsay,

what are you doing here?

Well, we were invited.

Barb called us and told
us to show up at 7:00

and bring our own peacock.

Oh, and look, Lindsay,
the party

is just as lovely
as the invitation.

What's my locksmith
doing here?

What could they
be talking about

this whole time?

I mean, Max and I
can't get through

three minutes of
conversation

without one of us putting a
hand down the other's pants.

You two have
something special.

You really think so, Barb?

Yeah, I won't shake
either of your hands.

I mean, what could be so
interesting over there?

Why are you just
standing here?

Go and get in on it.

Go show that woman
where your hand belongs.

MARLY:
Richard?

What's going on?
What are you wearing?

What's happening
on your front?

This is my baby.

Wow, I've never seen
a white man hold
a baby before.

W-Why are you doing it?

Because I'm allowed to.

Because I'm her dad

and New Christine totally
trusts me with her.

Um, it was a
rhetorical question.

I'm only talking to you
'cause my locksmith's

in the bathroom, so...

Oh...

Okay, what's going on?

I have faked
enough pregnancies

to know when
something's up.

What are you talking about?

Nothing's up.
She's sleeping.

Oh, gross.
Oh, no. What?

Boy... Hey... look,
don't tell anyone.

New Christine doesn't
trust me with the baby.

I wouldn't even trust
you with a doll.

I'm just tired of people
making fun of me,

so I brought this fake one
to show what a good dad I am.

Oh.
Perfect plan.

No, you're wrong.

Once the prefrontal
cortex has developed,

there's no changing the
synapse structures
of the brain.

I mean, how can you
possibly believe

that psychotherapy
can change physiology?

Show me your research.
I've shown
you my research.

The New England Journal
of Medicine has shown
you their research.

You are so stubborn.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?
Ah, nothing.

Something incredibly boring.

Oh, I doubt that.
What is it?

The physical manifestations
of psychotherapy

on the structures
of the cerebral cortex.

Boring?
What, are you kidding me?

I just read an article
about that on my AOL home page.

Really, because

I'd be interested
in your opinion.

Do you think that
cognitive behavioral therapy

is capable of changing
the brain's physiology?

Well, I personally believe
that the brain

is a complicated
situation, such as...

that doesn't exist with therapy
and the like, such as...

physiology and the like, so...

Good job, sweetie.

Hey, Barb,
this party sucks.

Hey, I almost spent
$16 on this party.

I just made a complete
fool of myself.

I had no idea what they
were talking about.

They were using
all these big words

like "cortex"
and "such as."

I know that that Tony was
doing it on purpose.

She was trying to make me
look bad in front of Max.

Well, why do you
let her do that to you?

Well, because I don't know
anything about psychology,

and science and the like.

And why should you?

That's what they do
for a living.

Go talk about something
you know.

Yeah. (scoffs)

You can say what you want
about Russell,

but never has a player in
the history of Survivor

found three immunity idols
without a single clue, okay?

And I will even go
on record saying

that it is
never gonna happen again.

Now, Amazing Race,
on the other hand, that...

Um...

I'm gonna have to stop you
right there.

I don't even own a TV.

What?! Oh, my God!

Who doesn't own a TV? Wow!

How do you keep up
with the Kardashians?

God, I don't think I could live
without my TV.

Well, maybe you should
consider it.

There have actually been
several studies...

Oh, here we go.

She's gonna cite
the Feltheim study,

which was flawed
from the get-go.

It wasn't flawed.

The studies clearly showed

there's a diminished
attention span

among children who watch

more than three hours
of television a day.

Did it say anything about people
who watch six hours?

I think you're fine.

* Uh-oh...

There you are.

I've been looking for you
for ten minutes.

Really? 'Cause I've been
out here for 45 minutes.

Sorry.

Tony and I got
into a thing.

She will never admit
she's wrong.

And since I'm never wrong,

there's no end
to the conversation. (laughs)

Really? Why don't you just have
sex with her then?

What?

What are you talking about?

I don't want to sleep with Tony.

When we were married, I didn't
want to sleep with Tony.

We weren't compatible that way.

Mostly she was a fantastic
Scrabble partner.

Oh, really? Well, then why don't
you have sex with her then?

We're just friends.

Well, I don't understand

how you can like me
if you like her.

We're so different.

It was a long time ago.

We were in love
with each other's brains.

That's where it ended.

Oh, really? Then why don't
you have sex with her then?

Christine...

I love you
and only you.

And I want to sleep with you
and only you.

I love you, too.

I only want to sleep
with you, too.

Although, I might be willing

to give trilingual
one more shot.

(both laugh)

Mmm. Come on.

I'm sorry. I just...

I get, you know,
a little insecure.

You don't have to be.

I like you
exactly the way you are.

I couldn't care less
if you're smart.

Christine's gonna be happy.

She got five corkscrews.

No, she won't.

She registered for 15.

Okay, I think I'm
gonna take off.

Uh, I don't think so.

You left your baby's head
on the chair.

Oh, shoot!

All right,
this isn't the real baby.

Are you sure?

Try taking the legs off
just to be safe.

Okay, you were right.

New Christine won't let me
hold the real baby.

I feel useless.

There's nothing for me to do.

And the baby's on the boob
all the time.

That's where I used to be!

What are you talking about?

You were great with Ritchie.

You were the only one who could
ever get him to stop crying.

How did you do that?

I used to use
my famous burrito wrap.

You wrap them up real tight
in a blanket.

It puts them right to sleep.

I was good at it

because in high school I used
to work at Taco Bell.

I never understood
why that works.

It makes 'em
feel safe.

I wonder if I still
know how to do it.

I know you start
with a triangle.

There we go.

Who can I practice on?

I'll do it.

I haven't felt safe
since I lost my gun permit.

Okay, let's see.

This folds across here,
and this tucks in under there.

Yeah, it's all
coming back to me.

Hey, you know what?

This feels nice.

I'm just gonna close my eyes
for a second.

That doesn't count.

She had six beers.

Okay, let me wrap you then.

All right, but I guarantee
it won't do anything.

Lie down right in there.
Okay.

This folds across

like that; this comes here
like that, and that...

and there we go.

All right, I'm gonna close
my eyes, just to humor you.

What happened to them?

They've been Taco Bell'd.

I bet if I still worked there,
I'd be assistant manager by now.

I can't wait
to show New Christine.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I'm just glad
that party's over.

I hate Max's friends.

Hey, do you think I'm dumb?

(baby-talking):
Oh, look who's up!

Hello, beautiful girl! Hello!

Hello!
It's your Auntie Christine!

Christine, that's a fake baby.

What?

Oh, no.

I am dumb.

Hey! Somebody looks beautiful.

Me.

Tony called this morning,
raving about you.

She had a great
time last night.

She's even thinking
about buying a TV.

Oh, that's great.

If I can change one person's
mind about television,

it's all been worth it.

(chuckles)
She really liked you.

She thought you were funny--
which you are.

Funny and smart.
Absolutely.

In fact, you're a whole lot
smarter than you need to be,

considering how adorable
you are.

What does that mean?

It means cute, charming, pretty.

No, I know what adorable means.

Do you think
I'm as smart as Tony?

I'm not even
as smart as Tony.

You think
I'm as smart as you?

I don't know. Who cares?

I care.

It's important to me

that you see me
as your intellectual equal,

because I was in a marriage
where that wasn't the case,

and it didn't
work out very well.

Oh, come on.
You're at least as
smart as Richard.

I know!

I'm saying that I was the
smarter one...

Oh, yes, yes!

You're definitely smarter
than Richard.

Listen, Max, I need you
to know that I am smart,

because what's adorable now is
gonna become irritating later.

Really. You're gonna start
rolling your eyes

when I start talking.

You're gonna be thinking
"dumb-ass" in your head.

And pretty soon, you'll start
saying "dumb-ass" out loud.

I would never do that.

Yeah, I didn't think
I would either,

until I was married a dumb-ass.

Christine, how would we even
measure who's smarter?

By counting diplomas?

Three: Harvard, UCLA and
Columbia, but who cares?

And-And-And I.Q. numbers
don't mean anything--

158-- and I,
you know, I might be,

you know, a little more
well-read than you.

I probably understand
politics a little better.

My vocabulary...

Okay, I get it.

But I don't care
about any of that.

I love you.

I don't care if you know things
or you understand my work

or if you know
what a mammal is.

Okay, I said...

I said I get it, okay?

Ugh!

Oh, I don't think I can
go through with this.

Oh, God,
what are you saying?

You're breaking up
with me?

No, dumb-ass, I'm saying...

that I am not ready
to marry you yet.

You know, meeting Tony
made me realize

that I'm not living up
to my full potential.

And I don't want to marry you
until you're as interested

in what I can do with my brain
as what I can do with my body.

In that department,
you are definitely

living up to your potential.

Listen, I think

that I'm going to go
back to college.

You don't have
to do that for me.

It's not for you.

It's for "I" this time.

A couple of classes
couldn't hurt.

( Survivor style theme
plays on TV)

Okay, you guys,

enjoy this now,
because I am about

to become a serious person.

I was with you in college
the first time.

Your nickname was
"Pants Party."

Those were the best six years
of my life.

Well, I think
it's great.

Do you know what
you're gonna study?

Maybe engineering.

Train travel's so romantic.

Well, good luck to
you, Pants Party.