The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 4 - Snakes on a Date - full transcript

What do we have here?

Another surprisefor our birthday boy.

Who's this cuddle boo?

That's nasty.

What kind of birthday party is this?

Hey,man,how about some "pin the tail on the donkey"?

This is a bearded dragon,

named after one of my all-time favorite performers--Barbra Streisand.

But you don't want to put her in the same cagewith Bette Midler.

Those two divas do not get along.

Oh,I'm here,I'm here,I made it.



Thank you so much for getting Ritchie here.

Okay,everything's cool at work.

The towels were delivered.

The guy came to fix the treadmill.

And,you know,I think the hot tub is broken,

so I just put a sign on it that says,cold plunge.

I told you,I would have stayed.

No,it's fine.You do too much already.

You're already there every morning at 10:00 when the gym opens.

The gym opens at 8:00.

Not on my mornings.

Hey,did Ritchie see me?

Hey,Ritchie...

Ritchie,hi.Mommy's here.



Hi,buddy,hi.

Don't bother.He's waiting to have his turn with Helen Reddy.

Wow,I got to start reading these permission slips before I sign them.

She's a toad.

Oh,I don't know,I liked her early stuff.

I'm going to go take a cold plunge.

Oh,okay,kids,uh,quick reminder.

If you're going to join my Reptile Adventure Club,

the application deadline is the 25th,all right?

So let's have cake.

And,uh...

keep your frosting away from Debbie Reynolds.

We're trying to get her in shape for Vegas.

I don't understand this party.

Hey,Mom,did you see me holding Vicki Lawrence?

She's the biggest lizard here.

Honey,I missed it.

I'm so sorry.I'm so sorry I was late.

I got held up at work.

Oh,buddy.

But you know what,I'm goingto make it up to you,okay?

How about if we have pizza for dinner tonight,

and then we can play Wii until bedtime?

-Okay.
-Okay.
-Okay.

And can I join the Reptile Adventure Club?

Oh,Reptile Club?

How about if I get you a club sandwich on the way home?

No,I love this.

These things can kill you.

I love it more than anything.

All right,well,then let's sign you up.

You have to turn itn by the 25th.

Okay,I got it.

-The 25th.
-Yeah,Ritchie,I know.

I said I got it,okay,buddy?

All right,go enjoy the party.

I'm going to get cake.

Yeah,that's good.

Excuse me.

Yeah?

Would you care to have your picture takenwith the albino python?

Oh,I haven't fallen for that line since college.

I don't understand this party.

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-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-

You're up,Mom.

Up what?

Wii Baseball.

Oh,yeah,Ritchie,you know what,

I know I said that we'd play tonight,but I just got a call from Barb.

I have to go and close the gym.

She's had the hiccups for the last four hours.

She had to go to the emergency room.

God,that was such a long message.

-Mom...
-I know,honey.

I'm so sorry,but you know what,I'm going to make it up to you,

because while I'm gone,you can have sugar cereal for dinner.

And you can say one curse word.

But not the big one,okay,Ritchie?

All right.You know what,you are such a good boy.

I love...

Honey,you know what,I'm still geing a whiff of Helen Reddy off of you.

You better go upstairs,take a shower,dude.

Yeah,go.

Hey,what's going on?

What's going on,Richard,is that I feel like crap.

I hate working at night and leaving Ritchie with a sitter.

I'm his father.

Yeah.

Well,I'm running around like a crazy person

because there's not enough of me to go around.

It makes me feel like a bad mother.

He won't even notice you're gone.

He's 12.

He'll spend all night playing with his Wii,

and then he'll come out of the showerand we'll play some video games.

Do you have any jokes that don't involve our son's wiener?

No good ones.

I just hate to leave.

What's the big deal?You work all the time.

Yeah,and I miss things.

Like today at the birthday party,

I missed seeing Ritchie touch Vicki Lawrence.

He touched Vicki Lawrence?

Yeah.

The kids passed her all aroundand then they all got to touch her,

and I missed it.

What happened to her Carol Burnett money?

No,she's a lizard,Richard.

How am I supposed to know that?

Okay,sorry,sorry.

It was a reptile party,okay?

And I missed the big moment because I got held up at work,

and now I have to go out and work again,and I hate leaving,

and I just feel so guilty.

Why?

You have to work.

You have to pay r things--to put him through school.

It's not like you're out eating bonbons.

I had bonbons at work today.

I don't get guilt.

Get?What's to get?

It seems like a useless emotion.

What is there to be guilty about?

everything.

You know,missing lizard parties,getting divorced...

telling Ritchie he can eat sugar cereal for dinner

when I know damn well I finished it this morning.

I never feel guilty.

God,if I didn't feel guilty,

I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.

What motivates you?

Food and sex.

You are so disgusting.

I am starving.

And I am lonely.

I have to go.

Well,thanks for driving.

Oh,well,when I told my momI was going out with my therapist,

she said it might be good to have my own car.

Actually,she said it might be goodto call the state licensing board.

I calmed her down.

Well,I'm glad.

I mean,technically I'm not your therapist anymore.

I don't even think it's against the rulesuntil we sleep together.

Unless,not until.

Unless you want to...until you want to...

Tell me more about your mom.

Oh,I want to.

I think we should take this slow.

I don't want to just jump into bedlike I do with everyone else.

But that your mom's okay with?

No.

It's just...

I want to do this right.

Then let's take this slow.

That wasn't so slow.

Oh,that one part was.

You're welcome.

I really like you.

I should go.

Oh,really?You kind of just got here.

Oh,I thought we were finished.

You finished,right?

Yeah,didn't you see my fist pump?

Yeah.

That was fun.

Yeah,you know,it was.

This looks good.

Okay,well,um...

I guess I should just take off,so...

Okay,well,thanks for the ride.

Oh,God,I'm tired.

Am I done?

I packed Ritchie's lunch,

I ordered new towels for the gym,I put the trash out.

I should brush my teeth.

Eh,I had some red wine.

That'll kill the bacteria.

I'm good,I'm fine.

I'm lonely.

I'm fine.

Everything's done.

I'm fine.

I'm lonely.

I'm fine.

Lizard club!

Matthew!

Matthew,Matthew,I forgot...

What's the matter with you?

I finally went on a date with Lucy.

We had the greatest time,and she just took off.

I have no idea what I did wrong.

Well,I don't know...

Maybe you forgot to sign Ritchie up for reptile cluband missed a deadline.

You know what,enough about me.

Why don't we talk about what's going on with you?

Matthew,I forgot to sign Ritchie up for the reptile club.

I am just the worst mother.

You're not a great sister,either.

I'm sorry.

I can see that you're hurting.

What do you think I should do?

Well,I don't know--I mean...

I guess the only thing to dois beg that man to let Ritchie in the reptile club.

Okay,but next time we talk about you.

Hello?

Hello?

Lizard guy?

MAN: Can I help you?

Where are you?

Oh,I didn't see you.

Yes,and that would have saved this lizard's lifeif you were a wk.

I'm not a hawk.

I'm not a lizard.

Uh,so anyway,I...

I'm wanting to turn in this sign-up formfor my son for the reptile club.

Oh,no,no.

The deadline for this was yesterday.

We are no longer accepting applications.

No,no,I understand that I missed the deadline,

but my son really,really wants to be in this club.

You know,I'm a single working momjust trying to raise a kid on my own,

and my best friend is in the hospital with hiccups.

Can't you just make an exception?

Oh,no,I don't think so.

If I were to make an exception for you,what would happen?

Ritchie would be in the club.

Yes,I see what you're saying,but I don't think so.

Oh,please,oh,please,I'm desperate!

Okay,desperate...

Let's see-- I guess we could talk about thisover...

dinner?

Oh,dinner?

Oh,I,uh...

I don't know about that.

Fine.I will see you at the next birthday partyor corporate event.

You know,uh,now that I know where you are,I can see you.

Oh,well,that would spell troublefor this lizard if you were a hawk.

I'm not a hawk.

I'm not a lizard.

Uh,well,I guess...

maybe we could have a cup of coffeeif that will get Ritchie into the club.

-Dinner.
-Lunch.

-Dinner.
-Drinks.

A weekend away.

Dinner.

I can't believe you're going through with this.

It's for Ritchie,okay?

I can suffer through one terrible date for my kid.

You're just gonna let your guilt rob youof your dignity,morals,ethics?

Of course,Richard.

I'm a mother.

You don't even know this snake guy.

How do you know he's not dangerous?

I don't.

That's why I'm bringing protection.

What are you bringing,a mongoose?

Sort of.

We ready to do this?

So tell me exactly what happened.

We had dinner,it was great.

We slept together,it was great.

I told her I liked her,and she just bolted.

Well,there's your problem.

You can't tell a girl you like her on the first date.

I slept with her.I thought it was implied.

You can't just put it out there like that.

It's too much too soon.

It makes you seem desperate.

I am desperate.

We're all desperate,but they can't know that.

You have to play it cool-- don't you remember high school?

I remember high school.

I had a pencil-thin mustache and a cape.

I don't want to go back there.

Look,you just have to have an attitudethat says,

"Ain't no thing.

"Well,uh,how do you do that?

You just say,"Ain't no thing.

"And you say it a lot.

I can't say that.I don't think you should say that.

Okay,fine,fine.

Then say,"Whatever.

"It's like "ain't no thing," but for beginners.

I don't...I...

I think I should just call her.

Absolutely not-- listen to me.

How do you think I got New Christine?

I have no idea.

We talk about it all the time.

I'll tell you how.

Because for the first six months of our relationship,

she never knew where she stood.

I kept her off balance.

By the time she realized I wasn't that great,she was in too deep.

That is strangely genius.

Yep.

It's what kept the Campbell menmarrying up for centuries.

And if all goes well,someday my son will be ableto trick the woman of his dreams,too.

Okay.

If you see a tree blink,that's our guy.

God,I...

I can't believe I'm doing this.

Why are you doing this?

Barb,I told you in the car: guilt.

Oh,yeah,guilt.

That's a white people problem.

Like bad dancing and polygamy.

There's our guy right there.

All right,you sit at the bar,all right?

And then,if I raise my bread basket up,

that means I'm in trouble and I need you.

And if I raise my wine glass up,

that means I'm thirsty,I need more wine.

Yeah?

Matthew?

Lucy,hey.

I just came by to get my jacket.

Oh,your jacket.

Did you see it?

Whatever.

Whatever,what?

Whatever,whatever.

Oh,yeah.

Me,too.Whatever.

I just thought maybe I left my jacket here.

Really?Yeah,I didn't notice.

I got a lot of jackets,though.

You know,they come and go.

Don't mean that much to me.

Oh,yeah,me,too.

I got so many jackets.

I don't even know.

Oh,there's my jacket.

But since I don't even careabout it,

I'm just gonna leave it there,so...

So,bye.

Whatever.

That can't be right.

Well,this has been fun.

Your mother certainly endured a lot of illnesses.

I can't wait for you to meet her.

Oh,yeah,I'm...

not available when that would happen.

But dinner was good,and this was good,so,um...

are we about done here?

Well,uh,when will I see you again?

When I drop Ritchie off at the club.

Oh,no,no,Ritchie is not in the club yet.

Um,this...this first date...

that just...

that moves him up to the top of the waiting list.

No,no,no,that wasn't the deal.

The deal was that I take you to dinnerand you put Ritchie in the club.

-No.
-Yes.

No.

What kind of person goes back on their word?

What kind of person goes out with a complete strangerto get their kid into a club?

A good mother.

A good mother doesn't miss deadlines.

You're a creep.

Well,what about you?

You come in here with your soap opera hairand your little boom boom dress.

Hey,hey!

First of all,thank you very muchfor saying that about my hair.

And second of all,I have a boom boom body,okay?

This dress is,like,nothing special.

You are disgusting.

Oh,well,you know,there is a word for womenwho go out with men to get stuff.

And it rhymes with four.

What?

Or...or...

mostitute.

You can't talk to me like that.

Barb!

All right,look,Neil,I have been letting guilt rule my life,but this is too much.

I have crossed a line.

You know,Ritchie is just gonna have to acceptthe fact that he doesn't get everything in life.

This date is over.

Come on,Barb,let's go.

Go ahead,I'll get a ride.

How was your date?

It was humiliating,Matthew.

It was demeaning and degrading and awful.

Gonna go out with him again?

Maybe.

Ritchie,wake up.

Mommy has to disappoint you.

-Hi,Mom.
-Hey,buddy.

Okay,listen,honey.

I've got some not so great news,okay?

I forgot to turn in that sign-up form,

so I'm afraid you're not gonna be in the club.

What club?

Lizard club.

What lizard club?

Are you freaking kidding me,Ritchie?

The lizard club that you begged me to be in.

Now I want to be on the chess team,

but the application has to be in by tomorrow.

Okay,go to bed,buddy.

Go to bed.

Hey,can I ask you something?

Does Richard know anything about...

No.

Women?

Double no.

Oh,good,you guys are up.

Hey,Richard,I think you gave me really bad advice.

Yeah,that happens.

What's in the box?

Well,when you left,I started feeling terrible.

And I realized it was guilt.

I mean,poor Ritchie.

His parents are divorced.

His dad's remarrying,his mom's a mess.

Hey!

Yeah.

And I wanted to make it up to him somehow.

So,guess who's gonna be the star of the reptile club.

He likes chess now.

What?

Then,what am I gonna do with a snake?

A snake?

Relax.It's just a little tiny fella.

Richard!

What are you doing?You let a snake loose in the house?

You guilt-tripped me into thinkingI was a terrible father.

You are a terrible father.

You let a snake loose in your son's house.

Matthew,I need to know what's going on.

There's a snake loose on the floor.

Thank you.

Why were you so weird when I came to get my jacket?

Why were you so weird when I told you I liked you?

Because I like you,too,and I didn't want to mess this up.

Guys always freak out 'cause they think I'm too clingy.

Clingy?

Oh,I love you.

I love you,too.

You're losing her,man.

Uh,Lucy,this is Christine,my sister,and Richard,her -husband.

Hi,nice to meet you.

Ain't no thing.

Okay,Richard,stop flirtingand figure out how to get the snake.

I'm not touching it.

Little bastard tried to bite me.

Well,how are we gonna get it out of here?

Wow,there are a lot of corks under here.

There he is,there he is.Here's the little guy.

Oh,well,he's a cutie,isn't he?

Uh,where do you want him?

Um,at your house.

I'll be more than happy to take him.

And this way,you can come and see him any time you want.

Oh,I won't be available when that happens.

I...I see.

You're done with me now,right?Right,yeah.

I'm just the,uh...

I'm just the lizard guy.

Uh,my...my feelings don't matter.

I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to make me feel guilty.

Well,I don't.

All right,I'll bite.

How resistant was your mother's bacteria?