The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 3 - White Like Me - full transcript

Morning Ali How's it going

I'm pretty good

My mom's s arthritis is acting up again so I had
to go over there and open the cat food can for her

She has a cat

No I meant: how's it going with the gym

Oh It's dead here

Like my mom's other cat

Okay I'm gonna switch gears here

Did you fill the shampoo
dispensers in the locker room

They're only down this much and
that's only because I borrowed some

Oh and I also took two tampons



And a towel

I had a party this weekend

Sorry I didn't invite you

I couldn't make it anyway

I was having my own tampon towel party

Oh God I have had such a morning

I already had to do laundry because
Ritchie didn't have a clean uniform

and then my car was out of gas,and then I had
a conference with one of Ritchie's teachers

Oh,I am so happy to finally be
at work so I can get some rest

I really hitched my
wagon to the right star

Oh thanks Barb

I have something to show you

Oh is it gross I don't want to see it

Did it come out of the
shower I don't want to see it



Okay I want to see it

No my article came out

They interviewed me for
Black Women's Business Weekly

Oh that is fantastic

Oh Lenny Kravitz looks terrible

That's me

Oh oh,you look great

Yeah that really captures your

Congratulations

What is that magazine

I've never seen it before

It's a monthly that targets the
African-American business community

Oh that is just great

Well I can't wait to read it

You could read it now

Oh now

Oh I'm kind of busy right now

Okay you're real funny

but I don't see you getting the cover of a
magazine with the third largest circulation of

any free black women's monthly in the Los
Angeles area excluding the San Fernando Valley

Okay,you're right,Barb,it is

It's a really big deal,it is

And look it-- oh,wow,you
are in good company

They've got even Magic Johnson in here

That's me,too

Where's your hair

I'm just trying to get
the gym a little publicity

I mean,it's dead in here

I'm so bored I'm about to ask Ali
what happened to her mother's other cat

It's a really good story,but because
of your tone I'm not going to tell you

You know what

I mean,publicity doesn't
really work,though,Barb

I mean,we were all over the L A

Times last year and we
didn't get one new member

We were all over the L A

Times because our steam room cultivated
a new strain of athlete's foot fungus

God,I miss my toenails

You know,I could use a few new members

It'll give me someone else to talk to

Yeah,no offense,Barb,but,I
mean,who really reads this thing

I mean,is there still a lot
of interest in Al Sharpton

Damn it,Christine,that's me

That I knew was you

See We have fun

You know what,Barb Maybe we
will get one or two new members

Good for you Good for you

Something's different

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The new adventures
of old christine S4E03

What happened here

What I don't know
what you're talking about

You've got some new members,huh

Some new members They're all new members

I've never seen this many
new members in one place

What is your point

No point You own a black gym

What Where did you get that from

You didn't notice that
everyone in your gym is black

Of course not

I'm a Democrat

What does that mean

I drive a Prius

I don't see color

What color is your Prius

No idea I'm not a racist

Christine,it doesn't make you a racist
to notice that people are different colors

Okay,look,I don't want to
talk about this anymore,okay

I need you to help me with Ritchie today

Can you do that or not
You're so stressed out

It's like the muscles in your jaw are
so tight you're developing a tic ..

I don't have a tic,okay

I am working,all right Racist

Until you learn what it means,you
can't use that word anymore

Look,I need your help,okay

With all of these new members,I don't have
time to do anything all right and Ritchie's got

and Ritchie's got field trips
and lessons and soccer practices

and I need your help to get him there

Done

Okay,now,for soccer,you
got to make sure that

I know,I know

We'll make sure he puts his shin
guards on his shins and not in his pants

Actually,that's a good general
rule for him-- nothing in his pants

All right,oh,but now listen

He's playing U-12 now,so that means
the practices are at Verdugo at 4:15

and the field is ..

You know what I better write this down

No,no,no,don't write it
down,I know where it is

They had the playoffs there last year

N-N-No,no,no,no,not on that side,though,on the
other side,and there are,like,six fields there

And you can't just drop him off

He'll follow anyone with a whistle

We'll make sure he finds his coach

Don't worry about it

Okay,now,wait a minute

Now,listen,when you get him home,you give
Ritchie dinner and then you make sure he showers

but I mean really showers,okay,not
just gets in and pees and gets out

Well,he is his mother's son

Okay,wait a minute,wait a minute,and then
tonight you got to put his guitar by the door

because he's got a lesson tomorrow,okay

-Yeah,right
-Fine

Okay,repeat it back to me

No,we got it

Okay You got it Are
you sure you've got it

Yes

Okay,sorry,I'm just a little uptight

Because of all the new members

Okay,will you stop
calling them "new members"

Christine,I need you out here

One of the new members needs some
help-- the woman in the pink sweats

You're going to have to
give her more than that

She doesn't see color

Get out

Look at us

First ones here

Yeah,we beat the carpool line

Christine owes us an apology for assuming
we'd screw this up just because we're menen

Yeah,you know what she is

She's a sexist who doesn't
know what "racist" means

I mean,how da she doubt our abilities

It's not just her

It's everywhere

All those dopey dads on TV

"Oh,I put the diaper on backwards

Hey,I'm gonna pour beer on my cereal

"Oh,I forgot my anniversary,so
now I'm in the doghouse

I'm not gonna get any sex

I love football and giant sandwiches

Oh,God,it's Sunday

I don't get that one

No,it's Sunday

Ritchie's home with Christine

That's why we're the only ones here

Oh,my God,it's Sunday

Want to go home and watch football

I can't,it's my anniversary

I am so going to be in the
doghouse with New Christine

Giant sandwich sounds good

Barb

We're out of membership packets and I
already used the back of the CPR poster

What do we do now

Well,first,we should unplug the
treadmill so nobody has a heart attack

and then you can stop dancing
while you're talking to me

It's hard

Where's Christine

Get out here

Hey,Barb

What are you doing in there

Oh,I've been busy

I've just been working on the five-year projections
and the feasibility of franchise projections

Almost,but you said projections twice

Now come help me

I had to start a waiting list

We can't take on any more new members

Well,maybe you can't,Barb,but
I have no problem

Yeah,I am just totally cool

Oh,good,I'm glad you're totally cool

Now,come help me get these
women measured and weighed in

Annette,Gloria,this is Christine

She's my partner in the gym

She's the white one

Barb,you're terrible

No

She doesn't mean that

Doesn't mean what

Oh,any of it,you know

Neither do I

Christine actually started this business

so if you have any questions about
anything like franchise projections

she's the one to ask

Yes,well,thank you for that,Barbara

I appreciate your confidence in me,but
as the good man says,we are all equals

Barb and I

And us

What's going on with your face

Equality

Hope

Now,if you'll just excuse me,I
will pop black into my office

Back,not black

So,if you'll excuse
me,I will be white black

Uh,white black

whi-ite

black

What the hell was that

Barb,I don't know what's happening to me

I'm a Democrat

I drive a Prius

I don't even know what color it is

What are you talking about

Listen,ever since we've got these
new members,pardon the expression

It just

it feels like the gym is different

Yeah,it's different

It's crowded and profitable

Yeah,yeah,yeah,and that's good

But it just it has a different vibe

Vibe

You know

Essence

I don't want to say any more

I think you better say something

I can't

Say it,Christine

Look,Barb,no offense,okay,but ever since that
article came out,the gym has become entirely

You finish

No,you finish

There are

many

not too many,but

so many

There are a lot of

You finish

Finish it,Christine

Fine

You want me to say it,I'll say it

I think I'm a racist,Barb

I'm going to go feed my mom's cat

What are you talking about

It makes sense

I come from a long line of racists

My great-grandfather was a
racist,my grandfather was a racist

My father owns a banjo,so
he carries the gene

Okay,calm down,crazy

I've known you since
you were 19 years old

You're a lot of things

You're a slut,you're lazy,you
drink too much,you're cheap

you're a terrible cook,a bad driver,awful
speller,a miserable wife,a lousy

Get to it,Barb

You're not a racist

You love black people

You married a black woman

I know,but for the past two days,every
time I walk in this gym I feel nervous

You know,I'm so worried that
I'm going to say the wrong thing

I just want to hide in my
office and not talk to anyone

Do you have any idea what
it's like to be a minority

No,I do not

Well,it's hard

Christine,how do you think I feel being
surrounded by white people all the time

I don't know

Bored

Sometimes

You know,I mean seriously,Barb,I pride
myself on my liberal values and my open mind

I hate that I'm uncomfortable

How do you think I feel when I go to cheese
shops,the Hollywood Bowl,Volvo dealerships

Malibu,Calabasas,Alaska,the
Republican Convention,the Gap

Get to it,Barb

Everyone feels more comfortable when they're
surrounded by people who look like them

That's why Martha
Stewart bought Connecticut

But maybe we should
diversify our clientele

So that way we'll both feel comfortable

We need to integrate the gym

Oh,yeah,yeah,you're right

We should just even it out

Well,I brought in the
black people with my article

You go round up some white folks

Okay,fine

If you need me,I'll be at Whole Foods or Williams-Sonoma
or Banana Republic,J Crew,Minnesota,Congress

Oh,you know what,I'll
just go to Ritchie's school

- Hey,dude
- Hey,man

Where's Ritchie

Oh,God

Don't say that

I called you last nit
we went over the plan

You were supposed to pick him up

No,I was supposed to pick up dinner

You were supposed to pick up Ritchie

Where's dinner

Oh,man

Okay,we just have to
remember what Christine said

Today's Monday

That means he was at school

Where did she say he
was going after school

I can't remember

She talks so much,and
so little of it matters

Well,if he's still at
school,they would have called us

Ah,there you
go-- a message

Hey,it's me

Everything went well with Ritchie

Give me a call

Great

Everything went well

And wherever he is,there's
a nice lady there

How are we going to find him

Oh,I don't think we can find him

Okay,I know

Let's listen to it again,and maybe we can hear something
in the background that will clue as to where he is

Message erased

Did you catch anything

Look,we're just going to have
to go everywhere Ritchie goes

He doesn't go that many places

Okay,we'll start with the school,then we'll go to the
soccer fields and then we'll try his friends' houses

Who are his friends

I don't know-- he's always talking
about some kid named Clay Aiken

I'm going to do you a favor
and not tell you who that is

If Christine finds out about this,we're
going to have to move to Mexico

She better not find out

I do not like cilantro

Can you believe this

What are the chances of the three
of us being pregnant at the same time

I'm not pregnant

What a beautiful blousy top

What are you laughing at

You're growing a beard

It's my hormones

It's falling out of my head
and sprouting everywhere else

Oh,hi,ladies

Excuse me,um

Well,as you know,I own a woman's-only
gym,and we are having a promotion

A two-week free trial
membership for white women

uh,for women

Yeah,we have pregnancy yoga
classes so you can all come together

I'm going to burn this blouse

You know,Christine,I don't
think we're really interested

Oh,well,I could throw in free
massages and some facial waxing

Oh,I'm in

Oh,hey,Barb

I got three

I'm going to Nordstrom's
to get some more

I can't believe we didn't find him

I can't believe you lost him

I didn't lose him,I lost dinner

And he's not lost,he's somewhere

I'm so worried

And hungry

We're going to have to tell Christine

And then she's going to talk to us
in that tone for the rest of our lives

I don't care

I just want Ritchie back

Me too,man

Oh,come on,did you guys watch Rudy again

Christine,we have to talk to you

I know

You must be so mad at me

A little

Explain why

I screwed up the whole day

I told you to pick him
up at his guitar lesson

Guitar lesson

Go on

But today wasn't his guitar lesson

He had study group after school and then he
went to Jimmy Ray's house until after dinner

I sent you on a
complete wild-goose chase

You're damn right you did

We drove all the way out to Hmm-dale

Where

You know,it's right off
the 1-0-fling freeway

Listen,I know that I messed
up,but I got to get back to work

Is there any way you
guys can pick him up

Of course

We're not idiots

Okay

Thanks so much

I've got to go wax Lindsay's chin

She's having a rough pregnancy

In the wrong light,she
looks like Fidel Castro

Thank you

Well,that went well

Yeah

Do you have any idea where Ritchie is

Well,I'm hoping to God he's in Hmm-dale

What's different

Oh,hi,Barb

What did you do with
all the black people

I don't see color,Barb

You don't see color
because there is no color

Now,what did you do
with all the black people

They got mad when they found out the white
women were here for free and they had to pay

It's also why the music went to crap

This is terrible

Well,we can fix it

We can just offer free membership
to our black clients,too

You can't make any money that way

Maybe we can charge Asians double

Barb,come on,we have to treat everybody the
same whether their Asian or black or regular

They should just come
because it's a good gym

Yeah,it is a good gym

As long as you wear
sandals in the shower

And it can stand on its own merits

Well,we did it

We sure did

You know,Barb,maybe the world
wasn't ready for an integrated gym

Yeah,we were ahead of our time

Besides,we've done our share

We're part of a
biracial,fake,lesbian,sham marriage

Let somebody else do something

Yeah,you're right

We're heroes

I'm exhausted

I'm going to take a nap

I'm going to go to Nordstrom's

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