The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 2 - How I Hate Your Mother - full transcript

Hey.What's going on?

What's the emergency?

The TV's in Spanish again.

Christine,you don't use the word
"emergency"for something like that.

Oh,sorry.Emergencia.

Okay,I'm gonna show you one more time.

TV...menu,language,enter.

Oh,I was hitting "input two".

What's "input two"?

Don't you remember our trip to Yosemite?

Gross,Richard.My God.



Oh,yeah,there it is.

Okay... thank you,you saved my life.

Sorry I made you come over.

Did I interrupt anything?

The usual.Wedding planning.

Deciding who to
invite,who not to invite,

what funny things I'm gonna pull
from under New Christine's dress

when I take off her garter.

Hey,do the rusty license
plate,like you did with me.

That got a big laugh.

Hey,are you okay talking about this?

Yeah,sure,why wouldn't I be?

I don't know,maybe it's
a little weird for you.

You might be having some feelings about
the fact that I'm getting remarried.



No,I'm happy for you.

Why? What are you gonna do to me?

Nothing-- I'm
genuinely happy.

Really,after all we've been through,

you know,marriage,divorce,raising
Ritchie.

He's gonna be okay eventually,right?

I don't know,Christine.

Yeah,anyway,you know,after all of that,

I thinkthat we've finally
landed in a good place.

You know what I mean? We're friends.

We are friends.We got through it.

Yeah,we sure did,pal.

I'm really glad you feel that way,

because I've been wanting
to ask you something,friend.

Sure,anything,buddy.

Pal...

I'd like to get your
engagement ring back

so I can give it to New Christine.

Well,you can kiss my ass,amigo.

-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
Sync:YTET-???ߵ???

The New Adventures
of Old ChristineSeason04 Episode02

Don't bother looking--
Ritchie moved his money.

I know,I found it yesterday when
I was looking for your money.

I'm looking for my engagement ring.

Can you believe stupid
Richard wants that ring back?

I don't care if it belonged
to his stupid mother.

It's my prize possession.

That you can't find.

Hey,there's a lot of things
that I love that I can't find.

Where's Ritchie?

-At school.
-Oh,good.

Come on,help me look for it.

I can't,I have my first patient today.

Ooh,they're giving you an actual crazy?

Christine.

She's actually kind of a starter crazy.

She was referred to me by
the Student Health Office.

She's a graduate student--
it's for test anxiety.

Oh,God,I hate tests.

Ritchie doesn't test
well.He has trouble focusing.

-Wait a minute,where is Ritchie?
-School.

-What am I looking for?
-Ring.

Hey,don't you find it outrageous

that Richard wants to take back the ring

that he gave to me and
give to another woman,

as if our whole thing never existed?

You know what,you don't need
a ring to prove your marri

Nobody's ever gonna forget
what happened in that house.

The realtor still can't unload it.

You might as well have
Indians buried in the backyard.

Aha! Ha,ha,I found it.Yeah!

Oh,my beautiful,beautiful ring.

-Must have shrunk.
-Or...?

No "or"--
it shrunk.

Wow,the diamond shrunk,too.

Man,it's ugly.

God,I love it.

Okay,I got to get going.

Do I look like a therapist?

You look like a bass player.

Damn it,I really tried.

You got band practice?

I really tried!

Christine,I want to talk
to you about the ring.

I am not giving you
back the ring,Richard.

It has great sentimental
value,and I love it.

What if I bought you a new ring?

Oh,yeah,I'd take it.

I'm sorry,I'm... I'm
interrupting your,um...magic act?

No,my... my jacket's stuck.

I have unusually large
hands and a big head.

I get it from my father,

and,uh,my narrow hips
are from my mother.

Stop talking.

Ow! Oh,my God.I'm so sorry.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Are you a patient of Matthew Kimble's?

I am Matthew Kimble.

-I'm sorry again.
-Oh,I'm sorry I'm late.

-I'm Lucy.
-Oh,I'm not usually like this.

-I'm your 5:00.
-I'm not a bass player.

-Can I sit down?
-Do you mind sitting down?

Are you sure you're okay?

Oh,yeah,no problem.

I'm already covered in bruises.

I'm not.

That... that was a joke.

Get it? Um,not a funny joke.

Okay,uh... um...

I actually give a lot of
money to women's shelters.

No,I don't.

-What are you doing?
-I don't know.

When I was a kid,I would say things like
that all the time just to shock my mother,

and then she had a heart attack.

She didn't have a heart attack.

A mild stroke... no,she didn't.

Uh,I just... I didn't want
you to think I was boring.

Oh,my God.

Lucy,uh,you're nervous.

It's fine--
I'm nervous.

Look,I don't think you're
boring.I think you're beautiful.

In a clinical way.

Clinically beautiful.

Oh,God,I love the mall.

Diamonds and Panda Express.

If they put a Planned Parenthood
in here,I'd never have to leave.

Let's just find you a ring.

Hour three with you is getting tedious.

Yeah.Hour three is when it happens.

Good afternoon.

Hi,we're here to look
at engagement rings.

Oh,I'd be glad to help the
happy couple find something.

Well,when you're
finished,can you help us?

How much are you looking to spend?

We haven't really discussed it.

Well,for an engagement ring

we generally suggest the groom spends
the equivalent of three months salary.

Three months?

Okay,I choose
January,February and November.

No,not the rainy months,Richard.

He's a contractor.

I take September,August,July,2004.

-Gold digger.
-Cheapskate.

Well,the important thing
is,you found each other.

Ooh,look at that one.

Oh,the lady has great taste.

Yeah,so does she.

Oh,my God,I'm in love.

-How much?
-$15,000.00

Take it off,take it off,take it off.

No,not yet,Richard.Just look at it.

Yeah,I see.Take it
off,take it off,take it off.

No,come on.You didn't even look.

Oh,boy.Yeah,that is pretty.

-Right?
-Sparkly.

It's very popular.A brilliant
cut on a platinum band.

New Christine would love that.

She showed me one like
that in her magazine.

-Who's New Christine?
-That's the one he's marrying.

Oh... good.

She put the picture up on the
refrigerator right next to the pygmy goat.

She also wants a pygmy goat.

And old-fashioned girl.

Hey,Richard,if she would love this one,

why are you insisting I
give you this one back?

I think she'd love your little ring,too.

And,uh,we'll get you this big one.

Wait a minute,wait a
minute.What's going on here?

Wrap it up.

No,Richard,what are you doing?

You shouldn't be buying
me a new engagement ring.

You should be buying
one for New Christine.

No.I need to give New
Christine the old ring.

If I don't,my mom will kill me.

Oh,your mom.

Oh,is that what this is about?

The Wicked Witch of West Covina?

Don't talk like that about my mother.

My mother's fine.

Oh,please,your mother
is toxic and selfish

and controlling and judgmental.

What about your mother?

My mother is hateful and nosy
and caustic and withholding.

Man,you're terrible at Boggle,but
you sure come up with the words now.

Richard,when we were married,

you let your mother get way too
involved in our lives,and I think,really,

that's one of the single biggest reasons
that our marriage didn't work out.

You can't blame my mother for that.

Well,it's either that or
take personal responsibility,

and you know damn well
I'm not gonna do that.

Okay,well,why don't I
take that ring from you

and,uh,let the two of
you figure this out,hmm?

Perhaps in the food court.

Listen to me.I want you
to stay out of my business.

I can't stay out of your
business,because I'm your friend.

And,as your friend,I am here to tell you

that you're one big,fat mama's boy.

And as your friend,I have to tell you:

get my mother's ring off
your giant sausage finger.

I can't give it back to you.

You're trying to sabotage my engagement,

because deep down,you
can't be happy for me.

Oh,well,if that's what you think,

then I feel sorry for you.

-That's what I think.
-I feel sorry for you.

Just... just give me the ring,Christine,

and stay out of my business.

Oh,is that what you want,me
out of your business?

That's why I keep saying it.

You want me out of your business?

- Yes.
-Okay,fine,

I'm out of your business.And
here's your ring,pal.

I'm having a crisis.
I'm having a crisis.

Me first. Me first.

Matthew,you know I'm gonna
go first,so just let me go.

I think I'm in love with my
patient,and I don't know what to do.

Oh,my God,that's huge.Okay,my turn.

Do you know why Richard expects
me to give that ring back?

Because his mother wants him
to give it to New Christine.

Wow,that's not your business at all.

What? How can that not be my
business?Everything is my business.

And I think that Richard is making a
huge mistake listening to his mother.

Look,Christine,when you were
his wife,what was your role?

I don't know. Control and oppress?

Exactly. But as his friend,

what do you think your role might be?

I don't know. Control and oppress.

No,support.

-Support and oppress?
-No.

Oh,support and control.

No,support. Just support.

I mean,even if he makes a mistake,

you have to support him.

What? That can't be right.

Yes,it is!

Christine,if you're sincere about wanting to be
Richard's friend, you have to treat him like a friend.

you have to treat him like a friend.

Like... Who are your friends?

-You.
-I'm not your friend.

-Ritchie.
-No. Okay,what about Barb?

She's my husband.

Yes,but she's also your friend.

Do you try to control her?

***********

Do you have any friends?

Robin's my friend.

-Who's Robin?
-From high school.

-When's the last time you saw her?
-High school.

Okay.Just forget about your friends.

the point is,if you want to have a
different relationship with Richard,

you have to act differently.

Are you telling me I have
to give him the ring back?

I think so.

Matthew,why do you always
know the right thing to do?

I don't. I am a terrible therapist.

No,you're not. You're
a wonderful therapist.

Look at me. I'm your
greatest achievement.

That's mean.

Okay,I'll give him the ring back.

Matthew,the,the ring.Where's the ring?

It's not on my giant sausage finger.

Where did it go? How did this happen?

Oh,my God,help me find it.

I can't. I have to go see
my lover... mother,patient.

Shut up!

Let's start with what happens
to you during the exams.

When does the anxiety start?

I have to confess
something embarrassing.

I don't have test anxiety.

My problem is more with my professors.

Oh. What kind of a problem?

Well,

I sort of... fall in love with them.

Them? All of them?

No.

Not all of them.

Yes,all of them.

And it's not just professors.

It's really anybody
that seems knowledgeable:

doctors,police officers,maitre
d's... therapists.

Uh,and how does this manifest itself?

Well,I fantasize about
sleeping with them.

Fantasies are healthy.

While I'm kissing them.

Ah. Let me just make a note.

Kissing...

fantasy.

I mean,I can't help myself.

It's like whenever I'm
around intelligent men,

I just find myself looking at their lips

and wondering what it
would be like to kiss them.

Smart guys turn me on.

Well,you know,in my thesis
for my master's degree,

I cited Freud's work on oral fixation...

for my master's degree.

You have beautiful lips.

And a master's degree.

I'm screwed I'm screwed.

-Me first this time.
-My patient is attracted to me.

She said she wanted to kiss me.

What'd you do?

Well,Christine,I'm a
therapist.I told I had diarrhea,

and I stayed in the
bathroom until she left.

How long were you in there?

Well,there was actually an
ironic end to this story,

which I am not gonna share with you.

-Okay,is it my turn now?
-Please.

I can't find the ring!

It's gone!

Okay,calm down.When was
the last time you had it on?

Last night.

Did you go anywhere?

-No,I was here all night.
-Then it's not gone.

You just have to retrace your steps.

What'd you do last night?

Uh,I don't know. I had a little wine.

I got a bite to eat.

Ooh. This isn't all for me.

I'm having a huge family reunion.

And then I read until
it was time to go to bed.

If I don't come up with that ring,

Richard is never gonna be my friend.

And I think he might be my only friend.

Okay,look,you're gonna
have to retrace your steps.

Do exactly what you did last night.

I told you. I...

Drink,drink,drink,drink,drink,

Eat,eat,eat,eat,eat.

Read,read,read,read.

What,and then what? You went to bed?

What? What else did you do?

I-I can't tell you.

Oh,gross,get a boyfriend.

No,no,no,not that.

I-I just,I don't want to talk about it.

Christine,you have
to retrace your steps.

Whatever it is you did,go do it again.

And you're in your wedding dress.

Hey,it's not my fault.

I mean,all this talk about
Richard getting remarried,

it made me think about my wedding,

and then it made me think
about my wedding dress,

and then
drink,drink,drink,alone,alone,alone,

mad,mad,mad. That's... that's...

Crazy,crazy,crazy.

Where the hell could that ring be?

You know what?I think you're gonna
have to tell Richard that you lost it.

I can't. Then he'll think
I lost it on purpose,

'cause I'm not happy for him.

Oh,are you happy for him?

I'm a big person,Matthew.

I am happy when other people are happy.

Of course I'm happy for Richard.

-Are you?
-Yes.

-Are you?
-Yes.

-Are you?
-No.

Sad,sad,sad.

Thanks for coming back in.

I need to talk to you. Uh,

I'm not qualified to be your therapist.

What are you talking about?

You are so knowledgeabl

I am a good enough therapist to know

that your problem is
a lack of boundaries

where authority figures are concerned,

but I'm not good enough to not
be incredibly turned on by it.

See? Smart.

Uh,I also know that if
I wasn't your therapist,

your attraction to me
would disappear instantly,

so I have no choice but
to refer you to another

,more experienced,perhaps
less hunky therapist.

So you're not my therapist anymore?

No. Sorry.

So,according to your theory,

I'm not gonna be
attracted to you anymore?

That's right.

You think your theory might be wrong?

Since I was wrong,I will not be
charging you for this session.

And I'm sorry.

I... I didn't mean to say those
things I said about your mother.

I didn't mean it.

I stand by the things I
said about my mother,however.

It's okay. You were upset.

Yeah,the thing
is,Richard,is that deep down,

I may not be completely happy for you.

How deep?

But,but I'm working on it,you know?

There's just a little piece
of me that's hanging on,

and,um,that little piece may have,uh...

lost your mother's ring.

You lost my mother's ring?

She's a horrible,horrible woman,Richard.

But I'm trying to be your friend,

and I know that your relationship with
your mother is none of my business.

And your relationship with New
Christine is none of my business.

And I'm really working hard
at trying to stay out of it.

I have something to tell you,too.

What?

I thought you were
right about my mother,

so I bought New Christine the new ring.

You did?

Yeah,I didn't get her
the pigmy goat,though.

I took your advice because
you really are a good friend.

And I think it would be weird

if you were completely okay
with me getting remarried.

Out of all my friends,you're the
only one who would care enoughbout me

to call me a mama's boy.

Well,you are,Richard.

And she's a horrible,horrible woman.

And you're a really,really good friend.

Mm. Well,I like this.

I mean,God knows,I don't
need any more friends.

But this is good.

It is.

Thanks,friend.

-Oh,okay,bye,pal.
-Okay.

-=www.ydy.com/bbs=-
Sync:YTET-???ߵ???

The New Adventures
of Old ChristineSeason04 Episode02