The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 5 - Everyone Says I Love You Except Ritchie - full transcript

you want to rent this
documentary on the electric car?

Or Kangaroo Jack.

- Better.
- Yeah.

I like when it's just us. Look at me.

Everything in this outfit stretches, so I
don't have to stop eating, even after I'm full.

I'm so glad we gave up on guys.

And low-fat food.

Two cute guys, 7:00.

That sounds dirty. Let's
rent that. Where is that?

- 7:00.
- What?

There they are.



Oh, G-- Oh, my God,
they're coming this way.

What-what do we do?

My impulse is to run, but
I don't think that's right.

It's been a long time
since you've been single.

Okay, let me handle it, all right?

I'm kind of an expert at being alone.

I've been alone a long, long time.

Christine.

Yeah. Oh, no, I'm okay, I'm okay.

Okay, oh, my God,
they're coming over here.

Okay, act natural, okay? Do,
uh, uh, do a conversation.

- About what?
- I don't know, just make something up. Just...

Uh, I, uh...

I saw a bear in my backyard yesterday.



Oh, my God, Barb. Why didn't
you tell me that before?

Why are we worrying about guys?

They're so dangerous.

That bear will eat your cats.

It's made up.

No! No, it's not.

I read it on the Internet.

I mean, they eat them like candy, man.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Are you going to rent that
electric car documentary?

Oh, uh, well, we were, but then we
decided to rent Kangaroo Jack instead.

Wow, that's some leap.

Yeah, well, you know what?

We start out lofty, but
then we remember who we are.

Last week, we went from Casablanca
to Scooby Doo: Where's My Mummy?

It was actually good. It was scary.

So, uh, what's your story?
You guys single, gay, what?

Barb.

Uh, no, it's okay. We're single.

And we like women.

- Yeah, we like women a lot.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, that-that sounded creepy.

We don't mind creepy.

Why don't you give
us your phone numbers?

Barb.

Um, I'm sorry about my friend.

She just got divorced, so she doesn't really understand
the-the subtleties of male-female interactions.

You know, the, uh, small talk and
the-the light flirtation, you know.

Stuff like that.

I-I actually find that kind of
directness quite refreshing, actually.

Uh, maybe we could get
together for a drink sometime.

Oh, well, maybe we could.

Yeah, I'd-I'd like that.

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The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season04 Episode06

Hey, you're a guy. Can I get
your opinion on something?

I told you, it looks like a freckle,
and I don't want to look at it again.

No, that resolved itself.

But I have another thing.

New Christine and I are starting
to plan the wedding, and luckily,

I only have one thing to do: pick
out the chairs for the reception.

And I want to do a good job, because
when I'm good, Christine gives me treats.

If you know what I mean.

I do.

- Sexual... treats.
- I said I did.

Okay, good. So I'm gonna go over to the
rental place and check out some chairs.

You want to come?

Yeah. I want to spend my Saturday
night looking at chairs with you.

I don't know why that sounded
sarcastic. I really do want to go.

Guess who picked up two
guys at the video store.

- Barb.
- Barb.

Hey, why did you both say "Barb"?

I helped.

- Did you?
- Well, I didn't hurt.

Nice job, Barb. You're back.

And your front.

Nice top.

What about me?

You got a hot friend.

Thank you.

I haven't been single in 15 years.

It's time to get out
there, have some fun.

You know, I haven't had
any fun since the divorce.

You slept with me.

Oh, but, uh, that
- that was super fun.

Now I'm just looking for
some, just some regular fun.

I had super fun, too.

This is awkward as hell. Let's go.

Hey, Barb, how great is this?

I mean, this is the first time that you and
I have been single together since college.

Oh, my God.

Do you remember how hot
we were when we were 18?

I was still wearing headgear,
and you had severe chin acne.

We were not hot.

Okay, let's call these guys.

No, no, no. Give me that. No, no.

I'm gonna make this call,
okay? I can handle this.

I have been single for four
years. I've been on a lot of dates.

I know what I'm doing.

It's ringing. It's ringing.

And you know what? I've had
a lot of relationships, too.

You know, Burton and,
uh, Papa Jeff and Mr...

um, H-Harris.

What's-what's happening?

I don't think I can do this.

Seriously, every time I put myself
out there, my heart gets broken.

Crazy, we don't even
know these guys' names.

We're not gonna get involved.

We're just, you know, it's just
socializing, something to do.

Yeah. What happens when we fall in love?

We're not gonna fall in love.

Are you sure?

'Cause I was already planning how I was
gonna introduce Ritchie to his new daddy

when he gets back from science camp.

Nobody's getting a new daddy.

We're just gonna date a lot of people.

It's what we should've done back in
our 20s, if we weren't so damn ugly.

I-I don't think I'm
good at dating casually.

I'm not good at doing anything casually.

Except work.

Well, work, yeah.

And sex.

Well, yeah, sex.

Look, I'm gonna help you.

We're gonna go out with these guys
and not get involved, just be cool.

Ooh, God.

Oh, my God. They're calling back.

Okay. They must have seen that
we called! What are we gonna do?

- You! You answer it.
- You answer it!

No! You do it. You answer.
You do it, you do it, do it.

Hello.

Barb, come on. Don't
sound too eager. Don't.

- What do you want?
- No.

Not mean. Not mean.

Hello.

Barb.

Look, I only got two:
mean or sexy. Pick one.

Okay, fine, sexy. Go, go, go! Go, go.

What do you want?

Yes, drinks.

Oh, that sounds great.

See you then.

We have dates!

Where are we meeting them?

Ah, shoot, I forgot to ask.
Here, you call back and find out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can do
this, okay? It's just drinks.

It's not like it's a relationship,
like I had with Mr... um, Harris.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Oh, okay. There they are.

Hey, which one is Patrick,
which one is Brian?

Doesn't matter. We don't
need to know their names.

We're playing it cool.

- I dig ya.
- No.

Right, okay. Sorry. I'm
just a little nervous.

Hey, Barb, how are we
gonna decide who gets who?

That doesn't matter either.

We're just here to have fun. We're
not looking for a relationship.

Right. Unless they want to.

I'm mostly kidding.

Wow, you two look amazing.

You even look more beautiful
than you did in the video store.

This one is mine.

What would you like to drink, Barb?

I'll have a glass of Cabernet.

Oh, wine girl, huh? I like that.

I actually own a little winery up north.

Switch. Switch, switch.

Okay, I like this one. Wait.

I'm not sure I like it the best.

Let's take another look
at the silver chair.

Okay, Richard, I can't do this.

We have looked at
every chair five times.

It is the most boring
thing I've ever done. Ever.

And I listen to Ritchie read out loud.

This is a big decision.

This is the chair that I'm gonna have
to sit in for the entire reception.

I mean, once I pick it, that's it.

That's the chair I'm stuck with.

It's just the reception;
it's no big deal.

Yeah, sure, it's no big deal to you.

You can have as many chairs as you want.

I have to make a commitment to
one chair for the rest of my life!

- What?
- What?

Look, I'm no therapist, but...

Oh, wait, yes, I am.

Um, maybe this isn't
about chairs anymore.

Maybe this is about you having a little
anxiety about getting married to New Christine

and the fact that you'll never
be with, uh, another woman again.

That's pretty common.

What is it with you shrinks?

Sometimes when a person's
talking about something,

they're actually talking about
the thing they're talking about.

And I'm talking about
chairs, okay, Matthew?

Okay.

Okay.

So I think I'm, I think I'm
just gonna take this one.

Oh, yeah, it's totally fine.

It's comfortable, practical.

Oh, God, look at that
Asian bamboo chair.

Never sat in one of those before.

You know what?

I'm gonna sit in that
one. I'm not married yet.

- What?
- What?

And that is why, even though I
know it is not popular to say,

I think Lance Armstrong is a douche.

You are really funny.

Well, so are you.

And you're very pretty.

So are you.

I guess we'd make a
funny, pretty couple.

And I bet we'd have funny, pretty kids.

Uh, Christine.

What? I can still have kids.

I'm extremely fertile.

You want to go to the bathroom with me?

No, I'm good.

I can hold it for, like, ever.

Will you excuse us for a minute?

You're not gonna switch again, are
you? 'Cause that kind of bummed me out.

No, we lock in our choices at 9:00.

- What?
- What are you doing?

What? Nothing. I'm talking to Patrick.

And how do you feel about Patrick?

I don't know. Fine.

Christine, how do you
feel about Patrick?

I love him.

I think he might be the one.

You've only known him for ten minutes.

I know, but, Barb, sometimes you find out
a guy owns a winery, and you just know.

We're here to have fun.

If you get too involved,
you're just going to get hurt.

Now, I don't think I can take
seeing you get hurt again.

Oh, Barb, you really do love me.

Okay, here he comes.

Now remember, you don't love him.

No, I don't love him.

You barely know him.

No, I don't know him.

You don't need him.

Well, I could use a winery.

- No.
- Okay, okay.

Hey, everything okay?

Yeah.

We're getting a little hungry over there,
so I thought I'd order us some nachos.

Oh, yeah, you know what, Patrick, I think that,
that is moving a little bit too fast for me.

Nachos?

Yeah, I'm just not really looking
for a relationship right now.

You know what nachos are, right?

I-I-I just want to be upfront,
you know, so nobody gets hurt.

I don't like to be tied down.

Well, I do like to be tied down.

Actually, I don't like to be tied down.

I said that so you would like me.

So what are you looking for?

Fun.

What do you do for fun?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Hey, that was fun last night, right?

I liked waking up this morning and
not caring if Patrick liked me or not,

or where this was going, and...

Oh, hey, you know what I don't know?

His last name.

And, hey, you know
what I don't care about?

His last name.

Yeah, some guy just paid for my coffee.

I don't know why men are paying
attention to me all of a sudden.

Here-- I found your
bra in the driveway.

You know what I don't know?

Who's bra this is.

Who was that?

No one. Just a phone call.

This coffee's good.

I like coffee.

I do not care for tea.

Hey, Barb, who is calling you?

Okay... don't be mad at me, Christine.

- It's Brian.
- Wha...

He called last night to
see if I made it home okay,

and then we started talking,
and we have so much in common.

We're going out again tonight.

- You know what's good? Iced coffee.
- Okay.

You are going out with him tonight?

I thought we agreed we
weren't going to do that.

- But I think I love him.
- What?

What? Are you kidding me?

Barb, that is what I said last night
about my guy-- you said I was crazy.

Oh, sorry.

Okay, well, if you love Brian,
then I get to love Patrick.

You should love Patrick.

I do love Patrick, okay?

And I am going to call him right now.

Oh, yeah, it's ringing.

Hi, Patrick. It's Christine.

Listen, I know I said
I wasn't interested,

but I was wondering if maybe
you'd like to have dinner tonight.

well, that sounds incredible.

Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, great. Bye.

Oh, he can't have dinner tonight.

He's moving to Spain today.

- What?
- Yeah.

He's at the airport right now. His
flight leaves in like half an hour.

He's in the first group.

He didn't mention that last night?

Well, you know how Southwest is.

You don't get your group
until you get to the airport.

They fly to Spain?

Barb, just leave it, okay?

The man is moving to Spain.

You don't lie about something like that.

You okay?

Yeah, it's fine. You know,
I didn't even know him.

It's nothing. It's not like it
was with... Mr. Har... Harris.

I'm fine. You know, it's a good day.

Oh, I got a new bra.

- Pretty.
- Yeah.

Don't ask any questions,
don't make any comments.

These six chairs are the finalists.

Do you know what it means when
six chairs are the finalists?

It means you've had to go
through many, many more chairs.

It was like an never ending Miss
America Pageant but with chairs.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

I think I could like one
chair, then I see another one--

I think, oh, I could like that one, too.

Then I see another-- I think, I
could like that one, too. and then...

Matthew, where's the blonde one?

Did we not take the blonde one?

You said blonde's don't age
well, so we eliminated it.

We can't eliminate the blonde one.

Oh, God, how am I going to do this?

How am I going to pick just one chair when
there's so many beautiful chairs in the world.

Sounds to me like you're talking
about something other than chairs.

Like maybe you're nervous about settling
down with one woman for the rest of your life.

Oh, my God, I think you might be right.

Are you kidding me?

I've been saying that for two days.

I didn't hear it.

Oh, man... Hey, I'm not saying I
don't love New Christine. I do, but...

I went from being married,
right into a relationship.

Maybe that was a mistake.

Maybe I should have played
the field for a while.

Oh, snap out of it.

You're lucky you have any chairs at all.

You know where my chair is?

On a Southwest flight to Spain.

You sure you don't want
me to stay with you?

Is that a real offer?

No. You think I'd
dress like this for you?

All right, it's okay.

I think I'll just watch this
documentary on the Truman presidency.

Okay, I don't have time for this.

I'm going to go get you Caddyshack
2, so we can get out of here.

Thanks, Barb.

I'll just grab my dinner.

Oh, my God!

What am I doing?

What happened to Spain?

Spain is great.

No movies in English though,
so I came back to rent some.

But I'm going right back.

I'm using miles.

I'm sorry, Christine, I'm sorry. I...

I didn't go to Spain.

Really?

Why did you lie to me?

God.

You could have just said, I don't
want to go out with you, you know.

I'm a grown woman.

Well, I didn't want to go out with you.

Well, that hurts my feelings.

Okay, but... that is
all I needed to know.

Why?

Why, why didn't you
want to go out with me?

Christine, let's not do this.

No, no, no, I'm curious, okay?

If you didn't like me, you could
just say you didn't like me.

I didn't like you.

Oh, my God!

Who says that? You know?

I mean, what is there
not to like about me?

No. I'm so sorry. It's
just you're not my type.

You're a little more aggressive
than what I'm used to.

I'm sorry, okay?

I haven't made out in a long
time, and I tend to skip bases.

No, I'm not talking about
that. That was great.

It's just your whole thing about
not wanting to be in a relationship.

It kind of turned me off.

I'm kind of a relationship guy.

Oh, my God. Me, too.
I love relationships.

I only said that because Barb said I
should act that way so I wouldn't get hurt.

But then I got hurt anyway
when you moved to Spain.

I'm sorry. So you would
be open to a relationship?

Open? Are you kidding me?

I would move in with you right now.

Okay, that's a little fast.
I feel like ducking again.

Okay, no, no, no. I'm
sorry. I'm mostly kidding.

God, I'm just so happy we're
going to have another chance.

I'm going to have to take
your passport, though.

- So...
- So...

Uh, would you like to
go out to dinner tonight?

Oh, uh, why don't you
come over? I'm cooking.

Oh, hey, wait a minute.
What is your last name?

Harris.