The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 14 - What Happens in Vegas Is Disgusting in Vegas - full transcript

- Just give me one hint.
- No. I want it to be a surpse.

They surprised me at my last bachelor party
and I woke up in a nurse's uniform with a perm.

I think your perm days are over.

Oh, look. It's the
march of the penguins.

Good morning, ladies.

Bingo starts at 9:00 a.m.Make
sure you finish your juice.

It has your medicine in it.

If you don't really have medicine
juice, don't joke about it.

Why are you even here?

He's trying to get information
from me about his bachelor party,

but I'm not gonna tell
him 'cause it's a surprise.



You mean the laser tag party?

Oh, my God! Laser tag?

I freakin' love laser tag!

This is going to be the best
party ever! Thank you, Matthew.

My bachelorette party
was pretty good, too.

Some girls from my office took me downstairs
to the coffee shop and got me a cake.

Well, not really a cake, a cupcake.

A bran muffin.

That's it?

No. They also gave me this coffee
mug with my new married name on it.

Who is Wendy Campbell?

Oh, that's me.

When I first started working
there, they called me Wendy.

I was going to correct them, but I kind of kept
missing my window and now it's been five years



and I don't want anyone to feel bad.

I don't feel bad.

As fun as your office thing sounds,
that's not a bachelorette party.

That's a coffee break.

Hey, remember my bachelorette party?

No.

That's how good it was.

Barb and I went to Vegas.

Oh, my God, it was insane.

I lost $300 and two fillings.

Ah, I love Vegas.

We got thrown out of Circus Circus.

That's almost impossible.

- Remember the contest?
- What contest? I love contests.

I can shove 50 crackers in
my mouth and still whistle.

You hear that? Fifty.

No, our contest was a little
more sophisticated than that.

It was a make out contest.

The one who kissed the most
strangers was the winner.

I kissed 20. I won.

That is sophisticated.

What did you win?

She won it... then I won it...

then tetracycline cured it.

Come on, if it can be
cured, it's not the bad kind.

That's the kind of party you
should have. A crazy night in Vegas.

Oh, that's okay. I got a mug.

Oh, shoot.

That's sad. Isn't that sad, Christine?

It's not even her real
name. It's not that sad.

Maybe that's your other
bachelor party surprise.

Oh, my God. There's more than laser tag?

Are we going to a
Hall and Oates concert?

Is that who's at the door?

No, it is neither Hall nor Oates.

It's just your stupid brother.

Joe! I can't believe you're here!

I haven't seen you since
Christine turned you gay.

Again, I did not turn him gay.

And again, I did not
turn gay. I just am gay.

Ah, that's enough of the gay talk.

When are we going to Hall and Oates?

I'm out of here.

Does anyone see the "W"?

What? I don't see her "W."

Oh, God. All right, fine.

Hey, New Christine, how would you like it if Barb
and I took you to Vegas for your bachelorette party?

Vegas? Me?

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

Okay, you know what?Save the
happy tears for when we get back

and the doctor tells you
you don't have gonorrhea.

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The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season04 Episode14

Wow, it's so exciting here.

It's so loud and colorful.
What's that smell?

It's the smell of fun.

It smells like cigarettes and urine.

Yeah. Fun.

When are we going to check in?

Oh, you don't sleep in Vegas.

Checking into a hotel is like
flushing your money down the toilet.

Ooh, slots. Give me a dollar.

Okay, let's go, let's go.

Oh, come on... Oh, damn!
Come on, you mother...

I can't catch a freakin'
break in this town.

- Move over. I feel lucky.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Give me a dollar.
- Yeah, come on, go.

Oh, no! Damn! You piece of crap!

Stealing my money, you
son of a piece of crap!

- Should we go home?
- Home? Why?

We're having a blast. Yeah!

Okay, let's go, let's go, let's...

You invited the guys from my
construction crew. That's awesome.

Oh, I fired Javier on Thursday, but
there was no way for you to know that.

He seems to be over it.

Matthew, this place is great.

Thanks for arranging all this.

Oh, that's what a best man does.

That and hang on to the wedding rings, which
I'm sure will turn up before the ceremony.

Oh, you're Richard's best man?

Yeah, I just figured since Matthew is around
anyway and he's always helping me out with stuff...

No, no, that's cool. That's cool, yeah.

I got the last one, huh?

And I'll get the next one.

What?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding, huh?

I am sure this will
be your last wedding.

Of course, that's what I said
at the last one and here we are.

I guess you never know.
Let's divide the teams.

Well, I'd say the three guys giving
Richard the finger are one team.

Which, I guess, makes us the other team.

You sure you want me on your team? Or is
this just a groom/best man thing, or...

Of course I want you on
my team. Are you all right?

Dude, I'm fine, huh?

What could be better than to be
at my brother's bachelor party?

- What was that?
- Sorry. Friendly fire.

All right, guys. Let's do this!

Hey, wait. Does this
vest make me look fat?

You look awesome.

Let's do this!

There's so much to do here.

There's an art museum and a roller coaster,
and this girl will come to your room and...

Oh, dear.

Okay, you know what? There isn't going to
be any art museums or roller coasters, okay?

We'll see about the girl.

First thing we're going to do is drink.

And the last thing we do is drink.

And, time permitting, we wake up staring
at a ceilin we've never seen before.

Okay, could we get three
shots of tequila here?

Oh, I don't drink tequila.

Oh, I was ordering for me.

Uh, excuse me.

My, uh, friends and I were
wondering if you were a model.

Oh, jeez. Not this.

Um, yes. Yes, I was.

Um, not you. I was
talking to your daughter.

Yes, I was, too.

No. Her.

You look like you want to, uh, party.

Oh, I can't. I have a fianc\.

But this girl in the brochure
said she likes to party.

Right there. The one at the bottom
with the stars over her boobs.

You know what, friend?

Why don't you get out of here,
okay? You're disgusting, all right?

And I, uh... I'll be over by the
nickel slots in about an hour.

- Man, that guy was rude.
- Right?

How could he think I
was Christine's mother?

Jeez, Barb.

Remember how many guys used to
think we were models back in the day?

Yeah. I think it was before we started
saying things like "Back in the day."

Okay, ladies, here we go!

To Vegas.

I've never had tequila before.

What? You're kidding.
Not even in college?

No. I lived at home during college
and I had to come home after class

and take care of my aging
grandparents who lived with us.

What are you, Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory?

Oh, come on, one shot.
It's your last hurrah.

All right. I guess I could do one.

Okay. To Vegas.

Yummy.

Hey, Rambo, I have no
idea what you're doing.

I'm trying to stay alive, okay?

I think these guys are
seriously pissed at you, Richard.

They want to kill us.

It's not a game anymore.

What are you talking
about? My crew loves me.

They're just joking around.

It's like when they poured that
concrete on me when I was taking a nap.

You better listen to
your best man, Richard.

Sounds like your best man
knows what he's talking about.

After all, he is your
best man. Right, best man?

Hey, wait, are you pissed
because Matthew is my best man?

No.

Then what's this about?

- Stop it.
- You stop it.

Listen, both of you.
Both of you, stop it!

We havto work together or we are
not going to make it out of here.

Don't you think you're taking
this game a little too serious?

This isn't war.

Two weeks ago, this place
was a Linens 'n Things.

You know what? Tell that to them.

All right, guys. Let's do this!

I love tequila.

I have to remember to drink
this all the time. One more.

Okay, what are we going
to do about Lindsay Lohan?

She's a grown woman. She's having
a good time. It's not our problem.

Besides, she's about to marry Richard.

She better have fun now.

I'm ready to start the kissing contest.

Oh, no, no, no. The kissing
contest is not for you.

Why not? You did it.

Well, yeah, we were
young, stupid models.

You're much smarter than that.

I want to kiss something, and touch
something, and rub up against something.

Okay, easy, Wendy.

Otherwise you're going to end
up in one of those brochures.

We better get her some coffee.

See? This is why I didn't
want to do this, okay?

Why do we have to baby-sit her?

Because we brought her here when she was perfectly
happy with her bran muffin and a broken cup.

You know what? This is
your fault, okay? Yeah.

You wanted to bring her here.

I want to breathe some secondhand smoke, eat
some 99 cent prime rib, get in a fist fight.

I never get to go on vacation.

Wendy's gone.

And she ditched her shirt.

And I'm supposed to meet that gross
guy by the slot machines in 15 minutes.

Shoot, this is not
good. Where could she be?

Okay, you know what? We'll split up.

I'm going to look here
by the nickel slots.

Did you, uh, did you see
that gross guy anywhere?

Look, that girl is not
equipped for this place.

How are we going to explain to Richard
that we lost his fianc\e in Vegas?

We'll find her, Barb, okay?

What kind of trouble could a young, drunk
girl without a shirt get into in Vegas?

I need 21 kisses to beat
the record. Who's first?

One!

I don't know how you can expect to
be best man when you're never here.

I'm here now.

Listen, ey're not giving up.
We can't stay in here forever.

Our pizza's going to be ready at 2:15.

I'm going to see if I
can find the manager.

Richard, you got to cover me.

Joe, try draw their fire to the left.

I am going to make a
break for the right.

Copy that.

All I'm saying is, I
wish you were here for me.

I came all the way down from San Francisco
just to be at your bachelor party!

My bachelor party and what?

And nothing.

Oh, so you had no idea that Madonna was
playing at the Staples Center for three nights?

And I'm going to two of those shows
just so I can be at your bachelor party.

Oh, save it. You're never there for me.

When I called to tell you I was engaged,
it took you four days to even call me back.

You didn't show up to
Ritchie's birthday party.

Matthew is always there for me.

Where's the cover fire? Dear
God, I need some cover fire!

And where are you in my life, huh?

When was the last time you came
to visit me in San Francisco?

And how come you never ask
me about who I'm dating?

- There's a good reason for that.
- What?

Because I'm afraid you'll tell me.

You're such an ass.

Okay, I'm kidding. All right?

I could be more supportive.
Who are you dating?

Well, I'm involved
with a man named David.

I don't know if he's the one,
but he fulfills a certain need.

Ah, David. Fulfilling a need.

And I'm assuming by
"need," you mean your...

And that's why I never
tell you anything.

Oh, come on. I can't joke with you
now? We used to joke all the time.

I want it to be like that again.

And I want to be your best man.

All right. You're my best man.

- Really?
- Yeah. You're my brother.

Besides, I don't think
Matthew's coming back.

Oh, man, those guys were repulsive.

I had to literally push them out
of the way to get to New Christine.

And not one of them laid a hand on me.

God, Vegas has really changed.

Maybe Vegas is older
and won't accept it.

Vegas is fine.

Vegas looks great for her age.

It's dizzy in here.

Okay, you know what?

If you're going to get sick again, Barb has to
help you because I hate it when people throw up.

I love it.

I'm feeling better.

Thank you so much for
taking care of me, Christine.

Oh, my God! What has been unleashed?

I'm sorry, I don't know
what's wrong with me.

Just listening to all your stories
made me realize I haven't lived at all.

Shouldn't I live a little
before I marry Richard?

Well, there are a lot of things you
should do before you marry Richard.

One of them is not marry Richard.

You don't think I should marry Richard?

Well, I mean, you know, if
it was me, and it was me...

Listen, this girl needs
some solid advice right now.

And a breath mint.

Our little Wendy is lost and for some unknown
reason she's looking to you to set her straight.

Now, I'm going to go work on a mint
and play about ten minutes of Pai Gow.

You do the right thing.

Okay, fine.

God, I never realized how annoying
it was to take care of drunk pele.

Thanks, Barb.

At least she'll be
easier to find this time.

Hey, guys. What the "H"?

Sorry, we thought you were dead.

And you didn't come looking for me?

I'm sorry, but we had a really
nice talk. And guess what?

Joe's going to be my best man now.

Oh, yeah? Oh, well, that's great.

I have no idea where the rings are.

So, listen, you'll come down Friday
the 23rd for the rehearsal dinner

and the wedding's Saturday and then brunch
the next morning for the out-of-towners.

This will be awesome!

- Now, when you say the 23rd, what month are we talking about?
- May.

Oh, no. Not May.

I'm good any month except for
May. I'm going on my cruise in May.

I guess we could push it to June.

June. Following the Backstreet Boys
around the country on their reunion tour.

Sorry, bro.

We could move it up to April.

Uh, any month but April.

Are you kidding me?

So, basically, you're not available
any month I might get married.

So, what was the big deal
about wanting to be my best man?

I don't know. It's
just nice to be asked.

You're unbelievable. You don't
deserve to be my best man.

Matthew, you're back in.

No. Who do you think I am?

You think you can just treat me like dirt,
snap your fingers, I'll come running back?

I took a lot of pride
being your best man.

I thought it meant something.

Do you have any idea how complicated
it was to throw this party?

Campbell bachelor party, your
meat lover's pizza has arrived.

Please move to the Fun Zone and your attendant
will give you your 15 video game tokens.

Yeah, that's right,
guys. There were tokens.

But you can just forget
it. Those tokens are mine.

Matthew, I'm sorry.

You're a much better best
man than I would have been.

I'm sorry, too. You're right.

- I'll find somebody else.
- I'll do it.

There she is, at the bar.

Why is she talking to gross guy?

And why did he say he would meet
me and then he didn't show up?

God, Vegas has really changed.

It's gone all corporate.

Oh, I got to save her.
We got to get over there.

Okay, out of the way or I'm
going to start throwing elbows.

This is exactly how it
started at Circus Circus.

Oh, no.

We're too late.

She's one of us now.

You taste like an ashtray.

Oh, my God. What have I done?

I'm engaged and I just
kissed another man.

No, no, no. It's okay,
all right? Don't freak out.

We're just going to walk away.

It doesn't mean anything.

Of course it means something.
I kissed another man.

I can get married now.
I've had my wild time.

Here's your jacket back.

Ooh, no, no, no. No. We're
going to keep your jacket, okay?

This is sad.

This is the only action I've
gotten in Vegas all night.

I love Vegas.

I had the best time.

I threw up so much I'm finally
going to fit into my wedding dress.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

We got you something.

Oh, "New Christine Campbell."

I love it. I'm going to keep it forever.

Oh, shoot.

Thank you so much for
taking such good care of me.

And I wanted to ask you something.

- You can say no if you want to.
- No.

- But I would love it if you would...
- No.

be my maid of honor.

That's okay. I shouldn't have asked.

Richard probably
wouldn't like it, anyway.

Oh, all right, I'll do it.