The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 13 - Notes on a 7th Grade Scandal - full transcript

***********Richard,you
go grab us seats up front.

I dot want to sit up front. That's
where all the kiss-asses sit.

Yeah,well,you know what?
From now on,that's us.

So go grab three
seats,and we'll pucker up.

Why are you being such a nerd?

Because tonight's the night we get all the
information for Ritchie to start junior high next year.

It's all new teachers,it's a new principal,it's
a new opportunity for us to impress.

Then you might want to untuck
your skirt from your underpants.

Ritchie's gonna need
all the help he can get.

We can't be responsible
for giving him a bad name.

The kid's middle name is "Mortimer".



He's going to get teased
before he sharpens his pencil.

Hey,you know,great
Uncle Mortimer was tough.

He was a World War II hero.

For the Germans.

Well,let's not pick sides,okay?

Hello,Campbells and company.

Welcome to Seventh Grade Survival Night.

Here are your packets and name tags.

"Mrs. Richard Campbell"?

"Ex Mrs. Richard Campbell".

We take pride in such different things.

Where's,uh,where's my name tag?

Oh,sorry.

We never know which members of your
ragtag band of misfits are gonna show up.



What,what is wrong with her?

Oh,uh,Lindsay's retaing a lot of fluid.

Her fingers are so swollen
she can hardly function.

Look at her. She has Mickey Mouse hands.

It hurts.

Not to mention her hemorrhoids.

Yes,I saidnotto mention my hemorrhoids!

Oh,wait,Matthew,Matthew.

I'm going to sign up for some
of these volunteer positions.

Wait. How are you going to find time
to serve on all these committees?

You're a working mom and
a part-time alcoholic.

I know. That's why I'm signingyouup.

Welcome,everyone.

My name is Principal James Merrow.

And if you could please take a
seat,we can begin our presentation.

Seventh grade marks the beginning...

Yeah,Principal Merrow? Yes,uh,is
there gonna be a summer reading list?

I'll be getting to that. Yeah.

But we do recommend three
books over the summer.

Oh,okay. Three...
books... over,uh,summer.

All the information is in your packets.

In... the... packet.

You don't have to take notes.

Don't... need... to... take... notes.

-=http://sfile.ydy.com=-
sync:??????

The New Adventures
of Old Christine Season04 Episode13

We are going to take a short break.

If anyone needs to use the
restroom,you can see me for a hall pass.

Thank you.

Principal Merrow,uh,first
of all,hilarious.

I'm,um,I Christine Campbell.

My son Ritchie's gonna be entering the
seventh grade next year,obviously,and...

Oh,uh,I,uh,I brought
a,uh,photo of him for you,

along with two gift
cards to a coffeehouse.

Courtesy of the Campbells.

Oh,this is my ex-husband Richard,and this
is my brother Matthew,Ritchie's uncle.

You know,this evening is all about
helping the kids and the parents

get through this transition
we call "junior high."

You know,it can be pretty tough on kids.

Yeah,your body grows,your
confidence shrinks,

and suddenly no one's afraid of the light
saber you claim to have in your pocket.

It's not very often you get to learn so
much about a new family without asking.

Excuse me.

Well,we did great.

We're not gonna fall
through the cracks this year.

No,I'm pretty sure you're
already on some kind of list.

I'm doing this for Ritchie.

Christine,we see what you're doing.

I'm not doing anything.

You're kissing up to Principal Merrow to
get preferential treatment for your kid.

Oh,yeah,I'm doing that.

And it's working.

Oh,you didn't need to tell us it works.

Our kids still rea at
a second-grade level,

yet they've been alternating
students of the month since preschool.

Yeah,it's kind of sad they can't
even read the bumper sticker.

Who's that?

Oh,that's Todd Watski.
He's a new parent.

Wow,it's amazing how you see
divorced men when nobody else can.

It's like the sixth sense.

No,I know that guy. I
went to school with him.

Oh,he's poor.

Excuse me.

Hey,you guys,Todd Watski's here!

- Oh,my God,you're kidding!
- No.

Who's that?

He ruined my life in seventh grade.

Is that our neighbor who used to pay you
three dollars to run through the sprinklers?

No,that didn't ruin my life.
That paid for my ski trip.

No,no,no,Todd Watski. He ruined my life.

There was this dance in seventh grade and
Todd Watski asked me to go,and I said no.

Because he didn't have three dollars?

Shut up.

No,I was afraid to dance 'cause
I had warts all over my hand.

Remember,Mom wouldn't take me to the
dermatologist to get them burned off?

No,she had the vet take a look
at them when Jumbles got mange.

He said you were making them
worse by chewing on them.

Well,I wasn't gonna wear
that cone he gave me.

******he told everyone
he touched my boob.

And I got the reputation for being easy.

But youareeasy.

NowI'm easy.

Probably because of what he did to me.

God,that nickname followed me all the
way through high school: "C-cup Kimble."

So he's also an exaggerator.

Shut... up!

Lookit,he's going into the
computer lab. I'm gonna go get him.

Wait. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind!

Oh,not the last one.

Shut... up!

I am a grown woman and I
can stick up for myself.

It's about time he
heard what I have to say.

Oh,come on,It was a thousand years ago.

- It was ten years ago.
- It was 50 years ago.

All right,I'll give you 25.

Hey,hey,Todd Watski! Hold up.

Well,well,well.

Surprised? Come on.
Don't you recognize me?

Think back. Edith C. Baker Junior High.

I went to Edith C. Baker.

Yeah,I know. So did I.

Oh,my God,we you my English teacher?

No! I'm Christine Kimble!

Right! Mrs. Kimble from the cafeteria!

No! How could you not remember me?

We were in the same class.

I'm sorry. It was a long time ago.

But it was nice to
see you again,Kathleen.

No,no,no! No,it's Christine with a C!

As in C-cup!

I'll give you a B.

Yeah,I'll take it.

Barb,hey,Barb.

Hey,Christine. You
gonna see this movie,too?

Mind if I join you?

Oh,I'd love that. Sort
of like we're friends.

Sort of.

Hey,did they just cut us?

They're the third people
who've done that. It's so rude.

And you didn't say anything?

No,I did.

I told them,"You can't just walk
in front of somebody and take cuts."

I said they'd better take their place
in line before I call the manager.

Good. And what did the manager say?

Nothing. When I'm arguing things out in my head,I
don't know how to make the other people speak.

I'll take care of this.

What are you gonna do?

I'm just gonna explain that it's
not polite to cut into a line,

and there's sort of a social contract that we all
must abide by in order to maintain a polite society.

I wish I'd said that in my head.

You know what? I'm gonna say it now.

That was good.

Hey,jackass,you cut us and
now the movie's sold out.

I don't know. Some old lady.

Yeah,he's gonna have to
call you back. I'm sorry.

I just need to explain to you that
it's not polite to cut into a line,

and there's sort of social contract that we all
must abide by in order to maintain a polite society.

What does that mean?

It means that you're gonna
give my friend your tickets,

or this old lady's gonna be waiting
for you ass in the parking lot.

Thank you for abiding
by the social contract.

And I didn't like it either!

You guys,you are not gonna believe this.

- He had no idea who you were.
- He had no idea who I was.

- I don't believe it.
- I know. How could that be?

It was such a big event.

Most people don't remember what
happened to them in seventh grade.

I don't even rember
who I took to the prom.

You took me.

Yeah,it doesn't ring a bell.
Maybe it's you that's forgettable.

If I could ask everyone to
please take your seats again.

I wanted to go over the seventh grade
sex education curriculum with you.

And,and I know what all of
you are probably thinking.

"My child is not mature enough to deal
with topics like body development..."

intercourse...

masturbation.

Are you gonna be okay?

I think so.

- You need to take a moment to gather yourself?
- I think so.

It's a tricky time for kids because their
bodies are changing at different rates.

Some more than others.

- What? What did you just say?
- Nothing. I'm just trying to listen.

Kids these days have a lot
more social interaction.

They're hanging out at
the malls,movie dates.

School dances.

- What?
- What?

Kids are much more sexually
active than we were at this age.

I was rounding second in seventh grade.

Oh,my God,youdoremember me!

Is there a problem?

I don't have a problem. C-cup?

- I know what you're doing,Todd Watski.
- Christine,let it go.

- No,he lied!
- Who cares?

No,he does remember me!

If you parents could please take your
private conversations somewhere else,

I'm about to run the
film on menstruation,

and I'm already about as
uncomfortable as I could be.

All right,come with me,Todd Watski.

Hey,what's the name of her kid again?

Uh,Jeffrey.

Puberty... man...

It used to be Pubertymanoski,but
when they got to Ellis Island...

I knew you rembered me.

Of course I remember
you. How could I forget?

We went to second base.

I was just having a little fun.

Like when we went to second base.

You're a liar!

You never got to second base.

Did,too. I have a kid.
I've gone all the way.

No,I'm talking about with me. You lied!

And you ruined my reputation!

- And you're still upset about it?
- Yes!

You owe me an apology.

- You're kidding.
- No.

All right,if you need an apology,I am
sorry you think I didn't go to second base.

You didn't!

And for your information,I
don't need an apology,okay?

I have overcome a lot of my insecurities
to accomplish a lot in my life.

I own a gym,I am a mother,I'm divorced.

I-I don't have a boyfriend.

And I'm... I'm a part-time alcoholic.

Wow,you're like Mary Tyler Moore.

Okay,I've struggled,but my
struggles made me a winner.

What haveyoudone,Todd Watski?

Where's your attitude
gotten you in life?

I was the CEO of a startup company.

Oh,nice. Wasthe CEO? Of a startup?

I sold it for half a billion dollars.

Halfa billion dollars.

I'm,I'm still a winner,you know?

I mean,between you and
me,I'm a distant second.

Overall,you know,I'm a... Very good.

I feel good,you know?

How often do you get to go
back in time and right a wrong?

I mean,not that I live in the past.

but you know,he did say I
reminded him of Mary Tyler Moore.

Why is everyone staring at me?

Maybe they're waiting
for you to throw your hat.

So,Christine,everyone's talking about what
happened between you and Todd Watski last night.

Yeah,well,I thought he had it coming.

Oh,Christine,we don't need to know
the details of your sexual escapades.

What? What are you talking about?

We heard you slept with him last night.

What? I didn't sleep with him.

That's what people are saying.

What people?

Well,Todd Watski told us,and then we
distributed it via the earthquake phone tree.

Yeah. And you'll be glad to know
that in the event of an emergency,

the entire school can be
notified in under eight minutes.

But I didn't sleep
with him. He was lying.

You have to call back the earthquake
phone tree and tell them the truth.

- Oh,no,Christine,that's only for emergencies.
- Yeah,come on.

Oh,my God,he did it again!

All,right,well,if Todd Watski wants to go old
school on me,I'm gonna go old school on him.

Really old school,old ladies'
school. Nursing home school.

Shut up!

All right,you have to stand guard while I'm
in the men's bathroom. I'm gonna show him.

Show him what?

He's not gonna ruin my
reputation at another school.

I'm gonna to do something I
should have done 15 years ago.

Celebrate your 40th birthday?

Would you stop it with
the old lady jokes?

I can only fight one man at a time.

Let's see how he likes it when
I spread a rumor about him.

We're gonna get in trouble.

No,we're not. We don't
even go to this school.

All right,now you stand guard
here. Don't let anyone in.

What do I do if somebody's coming?

- The code word is "chicken butt."
- What? Why?

'Cause that used to be my favorite joke.

- Oh,guess what?
- What?

Chicken butt.

That is not a joke.

Yes,it is. It has the word "butt" in it.

What's going on here?

Uh,nothing. It's cool,sir. Just hangin'.

Don't you have somewhere you need to be?

I don't know,sir.

Is there something you want to tell me?

- Guess what?
- What?

Chicken butt.

That's good.

Busted.

You guys,I had the
most exciting day today.

Christine,can it wait
until afterDr. Phil?

He's got a whole group of housewife
hookers,and they're giving them makeovers.

It's amazing what a little lip
liner and no self-esteem can do.

Too bad. I'm standing up for
myself like Barb taught me.

I didn't teach you to turn off the TV.

Anyway,I was thinking about how I've been
assistant at the firm for over five years,

and I've never been promoted.

So instead of being ignored,I went into
my boss's office demanding a promotion.

And I did it just like
you,Barb. Well,not exactly.

I changed the word "jackass" to "joker."

Just to make it my own.

So what happened?

I got fired.

Fired? Fired? Oh,no! Oh,no!

Thanks a lot,Barb!

I didn't tell her to get fired.

Richard,it was about time I spoke up.

I've been sitting there silently
every day answering phones,

validating parking,opening mail,getting my
butt slapped by every partner in the firm.

What? You said you couldn't
validate my parking!

I mean,they slapped your butt?

Except I kept a journal
of all the butt slaps.

When I told my boss about
that,he gave me the promotion.

And I got myself a raise.

A raise? A raise?

Hooray! Hooray!

Thanks a lot,Barb.

And you'll be expected to
clean up the mess you made.

Why should I have to clean it up?

He should have to clean it up.

He started it.

What's wrong with you,Mrs. Campbell?

You're a grown woman.

The rumor isn't true,you know?

I didn't sleep with him.

Does it matter if the
rumor's true or not.

But it does matter
because it isn't true.

You know,I was really trying
to make a good impression

so my son would have an easier
time making the adjustment.

And where does Todd Watski's
teeny weenie fit into that plan?

You just said,"Where
does his weenie fit in?".

Mrs. Campbell,stop it. Stop!

What you need to do is to
express to Mr. Watski how you felt

when he said those things about you.

He's just so mean to me.

Boys can be difficult at his age.

Be patient.

Hey,Todd Watski.

C-cup.

Somebody wrote something
terrible about me in the bathroom.

Oh,really? That's rude.

Almost as rude as someone saying terrible
things about me at my son's school.

At least mine was a
compliment. Yours was a lie.

How is sleeping with you a compliment?

I think we see me differently.

Look,I didn't mean for this to happen.

Marly and Lindsey assumed we slept together
for some reason,and I just didn't deny it.

I'm new here. I panicked.

Well,it hurts,okay?

And what you spread about
me in seventh grade hurt,too.

It may have hurt you,but
it made me a superstar.

How so?

Because in seventh grade,everyone thought I
copped a feel from the hottest girl in junior high.

Yeah,well,that may be,but...

Hottest girl?

As if.

Are you kidding?

Every guy had a crush
on Christine Kimble.

And then here I am,brand-new
at this school,trying to fit in,

and suddenly everyone thinks I slept
with the hottest mom at Westbridge.

Hottest mom?

Whatever.

I'm sorry. I should have corrected
them,but it felt good to be popular.

Can I buy you a cup of coffee?

I don't know. Can you?

God,Todd,don't just
stand there staring at me.

Well,there won't be any more rumors
spread about me at the school.

I approached Todd Watski like
an adult,and we talked it out.

We really connected.

Oh,God,what did you do?

I let him touch my boob.

- That's all?
- Yeah.

I told him if he wanted more,he'd
have to buy me something.

Look at you.

You're gonna make it after all.