The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 4, Episode 15 - Reckless Abandonment - full transcript

Barb and Matthew inform Christine they are both moving out on the day that Ritchie goes off to camp. Jokes about Christine needing a medic alert device to call for help seem prophetic later in the day when Christine gets stuck in the bathroom. Meanwhile Matthew's foray into living with Lucy hits a snag when some of her quirks about her dog come to light.

Matthew.

Oh,Barb...

Me.

Ooh,Ritchie.

Barb...

Me...

How are we going to tell her that
we're all moving out at the same time?

It started when our parents forgot
to pick her up at summer camp.

Two weeks later,they found her in a bunk

surrounded by lanyards.

No one even told her camp was over.



You know what? That was a long time ago.

She done been abandoned by
a lot of people since then.

Maybe she's used to it.

Maybe she'll be happy we're
moving forward in our lives.

Even as I say it,I know it's wrong.

Well,at least she still has Ritchie.

Yeah,thank God for Ritchie.

All right,Mom.

I'm leaving for science camp.

Oh,God. Not camp.

Not today.

Okay,honey. You got everything?

You all ready?

Yeah. Are you?



Oh,sweetheart...

Of course I'm not.

- I'll be back in a week.
- Okay,Ritchie.

Nobody loves you like I do,okay?

Be careful,all right?

They don't care if you get hurt.

- Now,I'm scared.
- Good. Good.

It'll keep you on your toes.

Bye,darling.

I love you.

Bye. Bye.

There goes my little boy.

Well,at least I still have you guys.

Matthew has something to tell you.

Barb's moving out.

What? Oh,no. Not today.

Today's not good for me.

I really appreciate your asking,

but the answer is "no."

Listen,Christine,I rented a condo

a half mile from here,we work together.

I'll see you in about an hour.

Okay,whatever,Barb,all right?

Have a nice life.

In an hour.

I'll see you whenever.

In an hour!

Well...I guess it's
just me and you and...

you.

Christine,listen.

I'm going to tell you something

that I think in hindsight

is going to be very ironic and funny.

Matthew's moving in with me.

No!

- Wait.
- No!

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The_New_Adventures_of_Old_Christine
Season4 Episode15

What are you guys still doing here?

I thought you were in such
a big hurry to leave me.

You took our car keys.

Fine. There are your car keys.

You know what? I'm glad you're leaving.

You know,I was actually
going to break up

with you guys anyway.

We're not breaking up with you.

- We're moving on with our lives.
- It's fine.

I'm moving on with my life,too.

Okay,Mama.

Come on,come on.

It's going to be fine. Yeah.

You know what? Maybe it's too much,

us both moving out at the same time.

I guess I could wait
to move in with Lucy.

I do worry about her
being all alone here.

It's a big house.

Well,they're only a few stairs.

Oh,it just takes one to break a hip.

Ah,that's good stuff,you guys.

That's hilarious,you
know? Keep it coming.

Maybe we should have
someone come in twice a week

just to make sure she's eating properly

and cleaning herself.

Why didn't we think about
that a couple years ago?

Okay,that's enough.

All right,don't flatter yourselves.

I'm perfectly capable of living alone.

In fact,you know what?

I'm looking forward to
spending time with myself.

And I'm looking forward
to not walking in

and finding you spending
time with yourself.

A closed door...

means knock.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh,wow.

This is already so much better
than living at Christine's.

We are moving in together.

Yeah. Wow.

You sure have a lot of stuff.

Okay,come on in. Make yourself at home.

All right,sure.

Oh,will you take your shoes off,honey?

Oh,yeah,sure,honey.

So no shoes.

How are you on pants or shirts?

Yes on shirts.

No on pants.

Now,uh,rent is due on
the 15th of every month.

If it's more than three days
late,I'll have you evicted.

I won't. I don't know why I said that.

But rent is due on the 15th.

I'm nervous.

Yeah,me,too. But you know
what,it's going to be great.

Hey,let's celebrate.

We'll go down to the farmer's market,

get some stuff,come back

and we'll cook our
first dinner together.

"Cook"? I don't really cook.

Well,I could cook.

I don't really like
when other people cook.

I never noticed how big you are.

You sure do take up a lot of space.

Sorry.

Okay,uh,before you
get too comfortable...

No,not to worry.

There's someone I want you to meet.

Our roommate,Mr. Deeds.

Oh,we have a roommate
named Mr. Deeds.Mm-hmm.

Mr. Deeds is my dachshund.

And it's really important
that the two of you get along.

Yeah,yeah,no... I love dogs.

Oh,I love you!

Well,let's hope Mr. Deeds love me,too.

Yeah. It's a big deal.

Mr. Deeds?

There's someone I want you to meet.

He's really sweet

and I think you're
really going to like him.

Ah,hey,Mr. Deeds.

I told you he'd like me.

You love Matthew,don't you?

Yes,you do. Yes,you do.

We're going to have
the best time together.

Yes,we are!

Yes,we are. Kiss Mommy!

Oh,kiss Mommy.

Good,kiss Mommy.

I'm not alone in here!

I have a dog!

And a boyfriend!

Who's a cop!

And he loves me!

And he's strong!

He can lift me!

He can carry me all over the house.

Oh!

Christine,let me in!

Sorry.

I thought you were a murderer.

No,the imaginary murder took off

when he heard about your
imaginary cop boyfriend.

What's the emergency?

There's an earwig in my bedroom.

You better be kidding.

They scare me,Richard.

I saw this TV show where they said

they could crawl into your
ear and eat your brain.

That's going to be one hungry earwig.

Well,that's not funny,okay?

I'm,I'm all alone in here.

New Christine was not happy about me

leaving in the middle of dinner.

Dinner?

I've been asleep for two hours.

It's 6:30.

Look,I know this is a hard time for you,

but you can't call me up
every time there's a bug.

You're going to more self-sufficient

I'm self-sufficient.

It's just that there's
no food in the house

and I can't find mcar keys

and I hurt my hip.

Maybe it's time we
moved you into a place

where someone can keep an eye on you.

Yes,yes,I've heard all those jokes.

Get you one of those cell
phones with just one button.

Maybe a string by the
toilet you can pull

to call the fire department.

Okay,enough. Get out of my house.

Come on,I'm kidding.

You know,I don't like
that everyone thinks

that I can't take care of myself.

You're just... a little dependent.

You depend on people.

You need Depends.

Get out.

Go back to your dinner
and your fiancée.

All right,if you see the earwig,

tell him you have an imaginary anteater.

Just go.

I don't need you.

I don't need anybody!

Oh...

Except maybe a locksmith.

And an anteater.

And a cop boyfriend who loves me.

Incompetent.

Okay...

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ow,ow,ow,ow,ow,ow...

Oh... okay.

I,I just...

I just,I have to...

... screw my foot into the toilet.

Okay,oh...

Now what?

What's that?

The earwig?!

So this is it.

This is how they're gonna find me.

If only I had a string
next to the toilet

to call the fire department.

Stupid Richard. Stupid Barb.

Stupid Matthew.

Who else?

Stupid earwig.

God,I can't even survive one night alone

without dying in a toilet!

I used to be a strong independent woman.

Hey!Yeah,you,pal!

Put that paper down

unless you want
to be a headline in it.

Well,not that paper
because it's already printed,

but tomorrow's.

Just go!

Hey,this isn't my paper.

This isn't my apartment.

What floor is this?

Well,that's a shame.

Oh,my God! Oh,my God!

Oh,no!

Do you have any idea what time it is?

- 8:00.
- 8:00.

Do you know what time
you said you'd be home?

- 8:00.
- 6:00.

I'm pretty sure you said 6:00.

Pretty sure I said 8:00.

Oh,maybe you're right.

Either way,you should have called.

We were worried sick about you.

Weren't we,Mr. Deeds?

Yes,we were.

Would you like an apology?

Yes,I would.

I would,too.

Okay,Lucy. I'm sorry

for being what you
thought was two hours late,

even though I wasn't.

And,uh,Mr. Deeds,I'm sorry

for being what you
thought was 14 hours late,

even though I wasn't.

Let's talk about it later.

It's not good for him to
see mommy and daddy argue.

You know what? I
want him to hear this.

I'm not his daddy.

Look,I'm-I'm-I'm
sorry,

but it's just been a little weird here.

Don't you think it's a little weird?

If anyone's making it
weird,Matthew,it's you.

You come in here with
your big army bags,

and your filthy shoes
and your large body.

You're rude to my son,you want
to start fires in my kitchen.

I was trying to make us some noodles!

Matthew,what's happening?

Is this working?

Yeah,yeah. You don't
think it's working?

Oh,no,no,I totally think it's working.

Yeah,me,too,totally.

Mr. Deeds thinks it's working,too.

That's not how he talks.

- Christine!
- Christine!

What are you doing here?

I came by to check on Christine

and to bring her some dinner.

I was a little hard on her when I left.

Yeah,me,too.

I wonder where she is.

Help! I need help!

Where are you,Christine?

I'm in the bathroom!

And I need help.

We don't want to!

Just get in here!

Oh,thank God you guys are here.

- Are you hurt?
- No.

Oh,good.

It's not funny.It's not funny!

Oh,I'm sorry. You should
see it from this angle.

Hey,lookit,I fell in the toilet

and my foot got stuck,all right?

It happens all the time.

Read your Internet.

We never should have left her alone.

There's not even a rail in here.

Oh,good idea for a
birthday gift: shower seat.

Okay,we'll help you,but
first you have to say,

"I've fallen and I can't get up."

- Stop it!
- Okay,okay,

we'll just take a
short video for YouTube

and then we'll get
you right out of here.

No. You know what? Never mind,okay?

I don't want your help.

God,if I can't get myself out of this,

I'm gonna start believing
you guys are right;

that I'm become so dependent
on family and friends

that I've lost the ability
to take care of myself.

So would you just please
turn around and walk away?

We can't just leave you here.

Well,that's what I want.

What's gonna happen when you
have to go to the bathroom?

Please,please,please
don't talk about having

to go to the bathroom,okay?

It's been one of the cruelest
ironies of this whole event.

Look,we're not gonna
just to leave you here.

I've gotten myself out of much
worse situations than this.

I was married to Richard.

Really? You think you're in any
position to bag on me right now?

No.

But before I was married,I
was so independent

that people thought I'd never be able

to live with another person.

And now no one thinks I'm
capable of living alone.

Would you please just leave me?

I don't feel right about this.

Worried about you.

You guys,it's a matter of pride.

She's a proud woman.

You gotta send me that one.

Get out! Get out!

Okay,good.

Oh,man!

Oh,it's times like these I wish
I were a better housekeeper.

So how long before we
go in there and help her?

As soon as it stops

Not yet.

Oh,good,because I was going to
say that's not the worst sound

to ever come out of that bathroom.

Okay,but we should take it easy on her

and stop teasing her so much.

At some point,itwillstop being funny.

Not yet.

Not yet.

Okay,I'm gonna need a mop,

and a trip to the emergency
room and some mouthwash.

But you're free.You did it.

Good for you,Christine.

Send me that one,too.

I'm sorry I got so upset.

We can figure this out.

It just seemed so different
since we've been living together.

Is it because of Eric?

No. Who's Eric?

That's Mr. Deeds' first name.

Well,then,yes.

I guess some of it does
have to do with Eric...

Mr. Deeds.

Mr. Eric Deeds.

Okay,I know I have a weird
relationship with my dog.

But we've been through a lot together.

Maybe we just moved too fast.

I mean,we barely knew each other.

Oh,that's true.

I didn't know about all your quirks.

Okay.

So,what are we gonna do?

Well,we could just go back to dating.

- That was fun.
- It was so much fun.

Yeah,let's do that. You'll live here,

I'll move out,and we'll just date.

- Yeah,we'll see where it goes.
- Right.

Wait,we know where it goes.

It goes to me standing
here shoeless and starving,

getting yelled at for
being right on time.

And it goes to me crying
in my bed,waiting for you

to come home,turning
to Neil for comfort.

Who's Neil?

That's Eric's real name.

So,are we breaking up?

Yeah,I think we are.

Wow. Didn't see that coming.

And I did it.

I proved to myself that I can live alone

for almost a day and a
half on nothing but earwig.

I'm independent Christine again.

Can I move back in with you?

You can sleep in my bed if you want to.

No,my room's okay.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

What if the only person
I can ever live with is you?

Oh... Wouldn't that be great?

No,I'm saying it wouldn't be great.

What if I've missed my window

and now I can't adapt to new people?

Oh. I hope so.

Stop taking things that are bad
for me as good news for you!

You'll find someone,Matthew.

I mean,obviously,Lucy
wasn't the right someone.

Yeah,but I thought she was perfect.

You'll find the perfect person.

I mean,and when you meet that person,

it'll just come together naturally.

You're a wonderful guy.

You'll find her.

Is she you?

Nobody knows.

You know what? You're right.

I will find someone.

I won't live here forever.

Want me to let go of your hand?

Not yet.

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