The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 3, Episode 4 - Traffic - full transcript

Oh! Oh! Okay.

Okay. Shoo! Shoo!
Nice try. I'm here now.

Sorry if I kept
you waiting.

Ran into a little
bit of a, uh...

Oh, I see.
Hey, Ritchie.

Hey, Mr. Harris.

Yeah.
You know what?

Soccer practice went
so much longer

than it was supposed to,

and then he forgot
his shin guards.

So we had to go back
to the park to get them,



and then I would have
dropped them off at the house,

but that would have taken
another extra 45 minutes,

and I would have
called you but, yesterday,

I dropped my cell phone
in the toilet.

After, so...

I left it there.

(chuckles):
Good call.

So we'll all eat together.

So, Ritchie, how
was soccer practice?

I stink.

But you showed up,
and that's what counts.

Actually, he does stink.

I think one of his
armpit glands came in.

So I'm letting him use
my Secret deodorant.



And I'll let you in on a little
secret: it ain't working.

Maybe tonight isn't
the best night for you.

We can reschedule
if there's a better one.

No, no, no.
There's no better night.

This is fine.
And you know what?

I brought Ritchie's PSP,
so he can be

occupied and we
can have our date.

Yeah, we can do
anything, really.

We don't exist anymore.

Seriously,
we could round

several bases
right on top of this table,

and no one would notice a thing.

That's the same thing you said
about the Dodger game,

and we made it on the Jumbotron.

Oh... we were like movie stars.

I'm looking forward to taking
you out to the ball game again.

(both chuckling)
Mom!

We're not
doing anything.

It's dead.

Oh, well, that's not a problem,
because your clever mommy

brought a power cord
right here in her purse.

Now, just have
to find an outlet.

Oh, here... Um...

Hmm.

Uh, excuse me.

(chuckles):
Um...

You know, my son needs to use
this outlet for his game.

Would you mind terribly

if you switched tables with us?

We are sitting right over there.

We like our table.
We don't want to sit over there.

That's nice.

This is why
the French hate us.

You know what?

I'm going to run out

and go to the hardware store,
grab an extension cord,

and them I'll
come right back.

Christine, stop. Stop.
Take Ritchie home.

He's tired, you're tired,
your phone's in the toilet.

We can do this
another night.
Well, you know what?

Come to my house, and then,
after I put Ritchie to bed,

at least we can make out
a little bit before I pass out.

Mom, my game isn't on.
I can hear you.

Good job.

Let's go.

He's asleep.

Play ball.

I'm not...

I'm not really
comfortable doing this

when there
are other people here.

Oh, no. no.
Don't worry about Ritchie.

He's practically in a coma.

Yeah, but they're not.

Kiss him again!

What?
What are you doing here?

Get out of here! Get!

They keep coming back
because you feed them.

What? What are you
even doing here?

You invited me over
for birthday drinks.

It started out
as birthday weekend,

which was rescheduled
to birthday dinner,

which was rescheduled
to birthday drinks.

Oh.
Well, sorry about that.

Catch you next year.

It's getting late.
I should go.

Oh, I'm so
sorry about this.

This date has been a total bust.

That's all right, you
can make it up to me.

What are you doing
Tuesday night?

Tuesday?
Uh... Where...?

Oh, here.
Let me look at my thing.

Um... Tuesday,
Tuesday. Argh!

Ritchie has karate on Tuesday,
and I never miss it.

Of all the sports he plays,
it's my favorite costume.

But, I don't know, maybe Richard
can videotape it.

Hey, Richard?

What's up?

Hey, handsome.

Oh, that was weird.

Have you
been getting

those funny e-mails I've been
forwarding you?

Every day.
Thanks for thinking of me.

CHRISTINE:
Okay, listen, um...

Daniel wants to take me out

on Tuesday night,
so can you swap with me

and I'll take Ritchie
on Wednesday?

I can't-- I got
a speeding ticket,

and I have to go
to traffic school.

Hey, Matthew? Listen.
Can you take Ritchie

to karate on Tuesday,
and then I'll take him

to work with
me on Saturday

and you can have the
whole day off then.

Yeah, I don't like
the karate studio.

Too much yelling.

I get enough of that at home.

Do it, Matthew!

Hey, if you want, Ritchie
can come with me.

I'll be scratching dirty words
in the door of Pete's Mercedes.

And then we'll get ice cream.

Barb's going through
an ugly divorce.

But I still love
dirty words and ice cream.

RICHARD:
Why don't I take

Ritchie on Thursday?
You can go out then.

Uh, Thursday?

Yeah.
Works for me.
Works for me.

Great. It's a date.

Wait. Richard, we have
tickets to a show.

Oh, no, that's Tuesday.

In October.

2004.

Does anyone know
how to work this?

Okay, so Thursday.

Pick you up at 7:00.
Okay.

Oh! While everybody
has their books out,

I need Christine
a week from Sunday night.

My school is having
a new faculty reception,

and since I'm
the only new faculty,

and the only black guy,

everybody's going
to be looking at me.

I want you with me.

Yeah, walking in
with a white woman--

that should put you
right under the radar.

Okay, yeah. I've got
you down in my book.

Wait.
That's my sister's birthday.

No, it isn't.
What the hell?

I'll see you on Thursday.

Okay. Definitely.

Well, happy birthday to me.

Hey, who wants to light a bag
of dog poop in Pete's mailbox,

and then go to Baskin-Robbins

for ice cream cake?

(knocking on door)

(doorbell rings)

Oh.

(clearing throat)

Hey. Oh, hi.

You're here.
I was waiting for you.

Were you?
Yeah.

'Cause I was knocking on the
door for kind of a long time.

Oh, no, no, no. I was just
putting on a few final touches.

Oh, that's for you.

You subscribe now,
you get an apron.

You were sleeping.
You're exhausted.

No, no, no.
I mean, I'm, you know,

I'm just a little tired.

I had to get up at 4:00
this morning to pay bills.

And then I had to check
Ritchie's homework,

then I had to do Ritchie's
homework, and then

I had to open up the gym,
and then I had to close the gym

while I took Ritchie
his homework that he forgot.

And then I had
to reopen the gym.

And then I had to apologize
to the woman

that I locked in the gym.

But, anyway, now I am here
and I am ready to...

(yawning):
go...

Hah! Okay. Ready.

Christine, you have
a lot going on.

I know it's hard
for you get away

in the middle of the week.

Let's do this another time.

No, no, no, no, no.
There is no other time.

This is my only night
without Ritchie.

Oh, but, man, I am so tired.

I don't think
I can go out tonight. I...

How about if we just stay here,

and you and I
have a little alone time?

Hmm...

(snoring)

Okay, I got PowerAde,
orange slices, Band-Aids,

ice pack--
what else am I missing?

Personal boundaries,
self-control,

a desire to clean your house.

You're not wrong.

Okay, so listen.

Tonight, I have
Daniel's big cocktail...

(gagging)
...party.

Sorry. Thought you were going
to say something else. Go on.

All right, listen, Matthew,
this is a big night.

I have to make up for
the last three dates

I've cancelled with him,
so I have to be well-rested,

so I may take a catnap
on the way to the game,

and then on the way back.

So you're asking me to drive?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Hi.
Hey, Richard.

So you know that you're taking
Ritchie tonight, right?

Yes, you told
me ten times.

I even put it in
my new Blackberry.

There's no way it's
3:00 a.m. Damn it.

Okay, now listen.

Just so you know, we have
to come straight back here

after the game-- Daniel's thing
starts at 6:00,

so I have to start getting ready
at, like, 3:00.

I mean, this doesn't
just happen in five minutes.

Well, this happens
in five minutes

but, you know, fixing it
takes, like, hours.

Why don't you stay home, then?

We'll take Ritchie.
He'll be fine.

No, no, no.

I can't miss Ritchie's
soccer tournament.

Anyway, it's
a single elimination.

I mean, we'll be home
by lunchtime.

What if Ritchie's
team wins?

(all laughing)

I can't believe
we won all three games!

Yeah. And each
one in overtime!

That was amazing.

You were great.

I'm so happy!

I am so screwed.

Come on! Come on!

Where are all
these people going?!

All right,
everybody calm down!

Daniel's dinner starts
in 20 minutes.

Matthew, how far away are we?

Well, let's see.
At three miles per hour,

we should be there
in five, ten... Tuesday.

Don't let this guy in!

Don't! Matthew!

I am the driver,
and that was an ambulance.

NEW CHRISTINE:
It's okay.

Those things never
start on time.

It'll clear up.

There's always traffic here.

There's a Hooters
and a water park.

They must be zoned for boob.

That's his favorite joke.

I'm going to call
Daniel again on his cell.

Daniel, hey, it's me.
It's Christine.

Hello. Are you there?

Can you pick up? Pick up!

So you think he has
an old-fashioned

answering machine
on his cell phone?

You don't know.

Anyway,

we are, uh, we're still
stuck in traffic and, uh...

But I'm on my way, okay?

And I'm going to be there
as soon as I can.

Oh! Hi. Hi. You're there.

Hi. Hello? Da-Daniel?

Oh. Huh. Huh.

I thought I just
heard you pick up.

Okay, anyway, listen.
I'm on my way.

I'm on my way, okay?
I'll see you soon. Bye.

Oh, gosh. Man.

It is so frustrating
dating somebody

who doesn't carry a cell phone.

Can I have my
phone back, please?

Christine, would you mind
opening the window?

We could use a little
air back here.

It's not okay.

It wasn't me.
It's Ritchie.

My body's changing!

You know what?
Give me the cell phone.

I'm going to call Barb
and have her

go to the party and tell
Daniel I am on my way,

and I'm not going
to blow him...

Ah!
...him off.

Thought you were going
to say something else.

Look, Pete, I'm sure
there's plenty of people

that hate you enough
to key your car.

I don't know why you would
immediately jump to me.

Well, you tell your neighbors
to mind their business.

No, I did not put dog poop
in your mailbox.

Did they see me do that?

Well, then you're paranoid.

(phone beeps twice)

I got to go.

(sultry):
Hello.

Hey, Barb, it's me.

Where are you?

Ugh! Stuck in traffic.

Listen, I need you to drive

to the Crestridge Hotel
in Santa Monica

and tell Daniel
that I'm running late.

Hello?

Barb? Hello?

Oh, God, I've lost her.

No, I heard you.

I just don't want to do it.

Barb, please?

My relationship depends
on you finding Daniel

and giving him my message.

Okay, I'll do it.
What do you want me to tell him?

Tell him that I did not forget,
that I'm on my way,

and just entertain him
until I get there

so he doesn't feel neglected.

He will not feel neglected.

I know exactly what to do.

No, Barb. No.

Breaking up.
(makes static sound)

Barb...

Okay, well, whatever.
That'll buy me some time.

(sniffs)

I think I need a shower.

I think you need
more than that.

I mean, maybe.
I don't know.

Do you?

Look at this.
The traffic is letting up.

Okay. All right.

We may make it
with time to spare.

I'll just throw on my clothes,
slap on a little makeup.

My hair's already... Awful!

What?!

Excuse me, I'm looking
for Daniel Harris.

Are you the girlfriend
we've heard about?

No, I'm newly single.
Trying to keep my options open.

What's your deal?

Mr. Harris is over there.

Barb?

I was looking for you.

Hey, what's that
guy's deal?

He was hitting on me...

hard.

Christine isn't coming,
is she?

Yes, she is.

She's just running
a little late,

but she's on her way.

But she's authorized me
to keep you entertained

in whatever way I see fit.

She really said that?

No, I was joking.

Oh... That, that's funny.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Okay, how does that look?

Is that any better?

RICHARD:
Oh, yeah, much better.

Nice and big.

What do I care? My hair
is the least of my worries.

I can't wear a sweat suit
to Daniel's banquet.

I have to look cute.

That looks cute.

Thank you.

Take off your clothes.

What?

We're about the same size,

and I don't have
anything else to wear.

We need to swap clothes.

Oh, boy!

So, it's the first time
we spent time alone together.

I think you're right.

So you and Christine, huh?

Yep.

Okay, you keep
those headphones on

and you stay under that blanket,
do you hear me, Ritchie?

Oh, hey, is that
Kristi Yamaguchi

in the car next to us?

Okay, he's not listening.

What? He loves Kristi Yamaguchi.

And you just let him.

Okay, take off
your clothes.

Our relationship
is so complicated.

Wha...
What are you doing?

Trying to see everything
I'm not related to.

Eyes forward.

So, would it help you
two ladies

to feel more comfortable
if I were to get undressed, too?

Ass.
Ass.

CHRISTINE:
Hey, that's a cute bra.

It's really
soft, too. Feel.

Wow! That is soft.

It goes with
this underwear.

You call that tiny
little thing underwear?

What is that?
Is that a birthmark?

It's a butterfly
tattoo.

Hey, you want to see
something cool?

Sure.

(car horn blares)
Car!

You know I always thought
I liked mint,

but what I really like
is spearmint.

Uh-huh.

I do not care for wintergreen.

Hey, look.

I'm running out
of material here.

You got to help me out.

I'm sorry. I just don't
know how to respond.

You're talking about mint.

I'm talking about the gum
industry's conspiracy

to make us think
there's different kinds of mint.

I didn't get that.

We don't have to be friends.

Dan, Barb, hi!
I'm here! I'm here!

God, I have to pee
like a racehorse,

but I can wait
'cause I know

this is important--
just don't make me laugh.

Don't worry.

Better not get her started

on her hilarious
gum conspiracy theories.

Hey, jackass, I was trying
to entertain you.

What happened here?

We don't like each other.

And it's mutual.

Well, thank you, Barb.

Okay, Baby Gap.

Guess I'll talk
to you later.

I'm gonna go steal
a battery out of Pete's car.

And then maybe get some gum.

She's interesting.

Well, she's a lot happier
since the divorce.

So, look at you.

Yeah, I know.
I'm sorry I'm late.

I'm sorry
I look like this.

I know this
is an important night,

but I'm here now, I'm all yours.

MAN (over PA):
Well, good night, everyone.
Drive home safe.

I had a great time!

Covering all the
teachers' valet charges

was a classy move.

Well, lucky for me

New Christine left her credit
card in her pocket.

Christine, I can't imagine
anyone going through more

than you did to be there
for me tonight.

Oh, well, I care.

I know.

Um, here's the thing.

What? Oh, uh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I know what
''Here's the thing'' means.

I know what the thing is.

Christine...

No, listen, I-I really,
I don't want to hear it.

I don't really want
to hear it.
I really, really like you.

Oh, good, good. Good night.

I would love to spend
every day with you.

Oh, done! Good night.

But you have
a full-time job,

a part-time ex-husband
an angry best friend...

a kid, a brother
who lives in your guesthouse.

I mean, look what you had
to go through

just to be with me
for one night.

Yeah, I know, I know.

My schedule is so
hectic right now,

but it is gonna
open up soon.

Is it?

Yeah. You know, I mean, um...

when Ritchie goes to college.

I'm a single person,

no kids, my job is over
at 4:00 in the afternoon,

my summers are off--
I have a lot of time.

So? Just get a hobby.

Get a second girlfriend.

I'll, I'll pick her.

Barb's available. I pick Barb.

I just want to be able

to take off for
the weekend with you.

I want to run off
to a movie,

go to a bar and
listen to music.

Barb likes music.
I don't like Barb.

That's why I picked her.

Oh, come on. Come on.

We can't break up now.

We've been going out
for three months.

We've just started to develop
deep psychological bonds.

Yeah, and in three months
we've gone on six dates?

Well, I mean,
how can we break up

after only six dates, you know?

We're just starting
to get to know each other.

I haven't even peed
in front of you yet.

Well, you know, on purpose.

Christine, come on.

I know.

Oh, God, I know.

I know. This is impossible.

You're right.

Today was my day off.

Yeah.

I don't get another
day off for, like,

another three weeks.

I can't quit my job, so...

And I can't quit my kid.

And I wouldn't
want you to.

So you're dumping me?

Well, I'm gonna tell people
that I dumped you.

Go ahead.

And when Ritchie's older

and if we're both still
single...

Oh, yeah, you're gonna be
single, right.

You're not even gonna make it
out to the car.

I should go.

Okay.

Okay.

See ya.
Mm.

(knocking)

Ooh! Dan!

This has been a weird day.