The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 3, Episode 2 - Beauty Is Only Spanx Deep - full transcript

This is great.

I am so glad we finally got to do this.

Yeah. To sit down and actually
talk without the distractions.

Definitely.

I love double-dating.

You know, I read somewhere that four
is the optimum number for conversation.

I, I think I read that, too.

I don't remember where I read that.

Well, we could use some menus
and I could use a little water.

Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me. Could I...oh, she didn'T...



- I'll do it.
- Okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Good. Finally.

And you kn wowhat?

We could use a little bit...

hi, I'm denise.

Let me tell you about the specials.

Is this your first time here?

Uh, yes.

I come here all the time.

So, today we have an
heirloom tomato salad.

It's really good.

It is really good.



- Also, they make a really...
- Hey, I got it.

How do I know you? You look familiar.

I eat here all the time.

We've talked.

You think I'm funny.

You always put a
smiley face on my check.

So what do you think
you're going to get?

I think we'll probably
need another minute.

I need to consult with my date.

Oh, right. Your date.

I'm sorry.

I'll give you another minute.

You must be cool parents.

Mine would never go to dinner
with me and my boyfriend.

He's cuban.

What the hell?

I mean that's insane. That
doesn't even make sense.

Yeah, why would she think we were cuban?

Why would she think we're your parents?

Well, you did date my dad.

Not now.

Christine, it was just a mistake.
She didn't even look at you.

She couldn't have looked
at me 'cause I look great.

Well, I look better.

I am barely old enough
to be ritchie's mom.

Forget about it. Let's
not let it ruin our dinner.

You're both beautiful... and young.

So, what looks good?

Why do they have to
make the print so small?

Yeah, and is it too much to
ask for a comfortable chair?

They got a lot of
rvenecharging that for a salad.

how many times did I say to
that woman "no red peppers"?

Ah, my stomach is killing me.

Thanks for driving me home.

Well, I figured since you and
daniel just started dating,

he didn't need to know how much
red peppers don't agree with you.

You ain't kidding.

Oh, sorry about the ride home, by the way.

God, the way they fawned over
daniel and new christine.

You'd think they'd never seen
good-looking people before.

Yeah, you might as well get used to it.

That's what happens when
you date out of your league.

What are you talking about?

Daniel's not out of my...

What about you?

You must always be worried that new christine's
is going to find somebody better than you.

I wasn'T.

You shouldn'T.

- I'm going to go call her.
- You should.

Matthew.

You would not believe the night I had.

I had a great night.

I think I know what I
want to do with my life.

That's great.You would not
believe the night that I had.

Yeah, I had a meeting with my
advisor from med school about

what I'm going to do now that
I'm not going to be a doctor.

And she was saying, since I've got a
year of medical school under my belt,

with just two more semesters, I
could become a licensed therapist.

And I did love my psychology coses and, uh, I
would still like for people to call me doctor.

So, I think I'm going to be a therapist.

A therapist?

Oh, thank god.

Doctor, you would not
believe the night that I had.

I had no idea I'd feel this
much pressure dating daniel.

You know, technically, I'm
not a therapist yet.

I did just come up with
the idea ten minutes ago.

I mean, you can't imagine the amount of work
it takes just to be with a man that handsome.

It's not real.

Neither are these.

Or any of this.

Oh, god, I hate this magic show.

And the prep work is
even more exhausting.

You know, the shaving, the
plucking, the waxing, the haircuts,

the highlights, the line
reducers, the lip plumpers.

Is whatever that was holding
up going to come out next?

Matthew, I start off as a seven

but after a few hundred
dollars' worth of products

and three hours of my life
that I am never getting back,

I turn into a very temporary nine.

Do you really think that
daniel's with you because of her?

No, it's not daniel. It's me.

When you're with a person that
beautiful, the whole world is watching.

I mean, when we walk into a
restaurant, all eyes go to him.

And right after him, they come to me.

Atd whan do you think they're thinking?

Who's that ten with the
six who thinks she's a nine?

Exactly.

And then they think, "boy, I guess she must
be really rich or really great in the sack,"

- both of which we know I ain'T.
- No!

Yes, matthew.

You're getting older.

There's nothing you can do about it.

And the way you look today is the best
you're gonna look for the rest of your life.

You're a terrible therapist.

This is a ridiculous conversation.

You're beautiful. You've
always been beautiful.

That's why mom hates you.

You're a great therapist.

So much better than my last therapist.

I'm pretty sure I'm not
going to sleep with you.

Let's run away from here.

Patricia opted for the tummy
tuck, brow lift, neck resurfacing,

breast augmentation, spider vein
removal, chin implant and brazilian butt tuck.

And here's patricia now...

Patricia.

Oy. Christine.

Hi, sweetie, it's me.

Just called to say good night.

Maybe you're not home yet.

Which is weird because you live closer to the
restaurant than I do and I even brought christine home

and then had to drive around
for a while with my windows open.

So... call me.

It's richard.

Dr. Gurwich is a
board-certified plastic surgeon

in private practice in
beverly hills, california.

Hi, me again.

Just thought I'd try your cell.

Haven't heard from you and I just
wanted to make sure you're okay.

You didn't go home with
the bartender, did you?

I love you.

You know that, right?

Where are you?

I love you.

Marry me. What?

My name is christine campbell, and, uh, I was just
watching dr. Gurwich on the surgery channel,

and I had a few questions.

Um, I'm currently dating a
man who is out of my league.

He's a ten and I'm an eight.

Seven.

Six.

I'm a five.

Hey, baby.

Listen, I just left a message on your cell
phone, and I need to talk to you about it.

Where are you?

Why aren't you answering
any of your phones?

Let's get married.

Stop it!

And I really don't even
believe in plastic surgery.

I think it's bad for women and sends a
particularly terrible message to young girls.

That said, I really do
need to see the doctor.

You have all my
numbers, so please call me.

Something bad has happened.

- I accidentally proposed to new christine.
- What?

I was leaving her a message and I panicked
because I couldn't reach her and...

what's happening there?

I got a new bra.

Nope.

I'm trying something out.

What are those?

Boobs. And lunch.

Lemon pepper chicken.

I had chicken last night.

What's in the bottom drawer?

Look, I'm going to a plastic
surgeon today for a consultation.

Don't say anything!

My body, my choice, okay.

I just want to see what my options are.

It's no big deal.

You're considering surgery for some guy?

No, it's not for daniel.

Just being with him has brought
up some stuff for me, okay.

Richard, I'm getting older.

That's not easy, especially in this town.

Los angeles is a very, very unforgiving
place to be a 32-year-old woman.

Maybe you should be
consulting with a math tutor.

I thought you were a feminist.

Yeah. Exactly.That's right.I am.

So I don't need some man telling me I can't
have plastic surgery to look good for my man.

Plus, my therapist says I
should raise my self-esteem.

When did you start therapy?

Last night.

Look, richard, I want to
feel better about myself

and the only way I can think of to do that, short
of diet and exercise, is plastic surgery.

You're crazy.

You proposed to a
woman on her cell phone.

I can't believe I did that.

And now I'm going to have to undo it.

I'm going to have to un-propose to her.

Maybe I'll send her an e-mail.

What? No, you can't do that.

Richard, she's in love with you.
She wants to marry you someday.

If you pull the rug out
from under her again,

I don't think she's going
to stick around. I wouldn'T.

Crap, I'm going to have to marry her.

Hey, if you marry new christine, is
she going to take your name?

I don't know. Why?

Because then we'd both
be christine campbell.

That's not acceptable.

I'll go back to my maiden name.

I thought you wanted to have
the same last name as ritchie.

I'll hyphenate.

I'm christine kimble-campbell.

I have an appointment with dr. Gurwich.

- I'm sorry, kimble-campbell?
- Yeah.

Christine kimble-campbell.

Oh, there I am.

Kimble-campbell comma christine.

Ah, yes.

I can see this is your first visit.

Yeah, yeah, it is, but I'm fine with it.

You know, I'm doing this for me.

It's all about empowering me, as a woman.

What size are those?
Did you get those here?

Please take a seat and we'll call you.

There's a before-and-after
book on the table.

Maybe take a look at the necks.

Well, there's my lover.

Stan. What are you doing here?

And I'm not your lover.

Oh, you were my lover.

And I got the pictures on
my cell phone to prove it.

Stan, please...

what are you doing here?

Oh, I come here all the time.

I live close by and this is a great
place to meet women with low self-esteem.

So how are you doing?

I don't have low self-esteem.

Well... you did sleep with me.

Well, I'm in therapy now.

So, what are you... what are
you thinking of having done?

I don't know.

Just some tightening and
plumping and lifting in...

this area.

Can I say something as your
former and probably future lover?

No.

I've seen you naked, upside-down, in
terrible lighting,

right before you popped my air mattress.

Stan, please. Okay?

That was a long time ago.

I'm dating a ten now.

My point is, you couldn't get any hotter.

Or dirtier.

You know, I still have
a click in my jaw. I...

stan! Stop it. Okay?

Don't talk about that anymore.

I have a boyfriend now.

You know, I'm going to go sit over there.

- Can I just tell you one more one thing?
- No.

Do you want to know why you're hot?

All right, one thing.

It's because you're you, all the time.

Even when you shouldn't be.

And I just think that if you start
messing with you, trying to be less you...

I just think you'd be
making a big mistake.

Oh, stan.

I really do appreciate that. I do.

But you know what?

No matter what happens, I'm
still going to be me.

Kimble-campbell?

I mean, you know, I'll always
be me. I know exactly who I am.

Miss kimble-campbell?

Christine kimble-campbell?

That's me.

Okay, take care, stan.

Call me if you decide
to date fours again.

You must be christine.

I'm dr. Gurwich.

Oh, my god.

You're beautiful!

Look at that bone structure
and gorgeous smile.

Oh, that makes me feel good.

Now if we just vacuum out all the bumpy stuff
hiding it and pull the skin up around it,

you'd be a knockout.

That doesn't feel as good.

- So, who do you want to look like?
- What?

Is there someone you've
always wanted to be?

Well, I've always wanted to be me.

Oh, a feminist.

Yeah...

I call them "befores."

Well, actually, yeah, I am a feminist.

Oh, let me guess.A feminist
with a new boyfriend.

Yeah, you know what?

Uh, I think I made a big mistake.

I had a rough night and I was feeling
vulnerable and really bad about myself, so...

let's see that smile.

What are you doing?

I just want to show you
what I can do for you.

Oh, my god.

What are you doing to me?

I don't want to look like that.

That's what you look like now.

Oh, my god...

I'm a monster.

A monster with good bone structure.

But take a little off there,

and a little more there,

make the bottom match the top
here, send that to the lab, and...

now what do you think?

Listen, you know what? I
told you, I'm not interested.

Oh, my god! Yeah, let's do that.

Schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
and weitz. May I help you?

One moment, please.

Schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
and weitz. May I help you?

One moment, please.

Richard, what are you doing here?

I'm sorry to bother you at
work, but I didn't hear from you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I had to work early
this morning, remember?

I didn't want to wake you up.

And my cell phone died last night.

Schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
and weitz. May I help you?

One moment, please.

Your cell phone died?

Were you trying to reach me?

I was, but...

schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
and weitz. May I help you?

One moment, please.

Sorry, sweetie.

So...

you didn't get any of your messages?

Did you leave another
one after you proposed?

Schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
and weitz. May I help you?

One moment, please.

Christine...

you know I love you.

Oh, richard, I love you, too.

And thank you for asking
me, but I can't marry you.

You can't?

Oh, my god, that'S... Bad news.

I didn't know how to tell you and that's
why I didn't call you back, but I'm not ready.

We're not ready.

We've been through so much this year, and
I still believe we'll be together forever,

but I'm not ready to
marry you right now.

Why not?

Is there someone else?

Is it schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
or weitz?

No!

The only man I want is you.

But we're young; we have time.

We're young?

Of course.

We're both young?

Absolutely.

Marry me... what are you doing?

Richard, we can wait.

I love you.

Can I validate your parking, or you
going somewhere else in the building?

One moment, please.

Schwartz, chervin, jacobs, young, loder
and weitz. May I help you?

One moment, please.

Um, do me a favor?

Don't check your e-mail.

Hey, matthew. What are you doing?

Reading.

Look at me.

Not interested.

Why?

Are you intimidated by my beauty?

Good night.

What's the matter with you?

You know what the matter
with me is. This is crazy.

- What are you going to tell ritchie?
- What?

After ten years of teaching
him he's perfect the way he is

and the only thing that counts is what's
on the inside, how do you explain her?

I'll just tell him I
had a good night's sleep.

Kids are dumb.

He still thinks the fact that he and his dad
are both named richard is a gigantic coincidence.

Good night.

Stop saying "good night"
and not going anywhere.

You know what?

And I've supported you through a lot of
things that I didn't necessarily understand.

Like going to medical
school, dropping out of medical school.

And by the way, I didn't judge you
when you went to a plastic surgeon.

I had skin cancer removed.

And I didn't judge you.

And I've supported you
through a lot of stuff, too;

And no matter how messed up you were,

the one thing that was always true is
you were trying to do the right thing...

for yourself and your kid.

You had integrity.

Why can't I have
integrity and a great rack?

I don't know, but I've never seen it.

Well, you're going to have to
trust me on this one. Okay?

I'm your older sister.
Soon to be younger sister.

Isn't it possible I can be completely
well-adjusted and have a little work done?

Well, ask mom.

She was your exact same age
when she had her first face-lift.

Well, that really is a
gigantic coincidence.

Good night.

For your information, I know exactly
what I'm going to tell ritchie.

I have a lot of reasons for
doing this... a lot. Okay?

I'm just going to tell him...

look at her, matthew.

She's so pretty.

And I'll just tell ritchie,"look
how pretty your mommy is."

Come on.

Oh, damn it.

You're a fantastic therapist.

Well, I've got a lot
of crazy to work with.

Thank you.

Yeah, you had a breakthrough.

You know what?

That's exactly what my last therapist
said before I slept with him.

Good night.