The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Big Bang - full transcript

I know. My butt fell asleep
a half an hour ago.

It's still the best date
I ever had.

(laughing):
I miss you.

Me, too.
What are you wearing?

Oh. No, no, no.

You know what? Uh, I know where
you're going here,

and I'm gonna have to stop you.

I am so bad at...

Yeah? Maybe you need
a little spanking.

No, no, no. Daniel, stop.

Seriously, uh... phone sex
is not my thing.



I-I get way too dirty,
way too fast,

and people don't react well.

How many people?

Well, you know, a few people.

One person.

It got me fired.

Okay, so no phone sex.

I guess there's always real sex.

I thought you wanted to wait.

I did. I thought it was
important

we get to know each other first.

I didn't want to mess this up
by jumping into bed right away,

like I have with other people.

How many people?



It got me fired.

I can wait as long as you can.

I think I'm ready.

Be there in ten minutes.

Oh, wait, wait.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm gonna need
a little prep time.

Uh, but here's the thing.

Ritchie's asleep, and if I start
turning on the equipment,

it gets too loud.

Okay. So how
about tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night sounds perfect.

And you know what I'm gonna do?

Tell me.

I'm gonna throw you
on the floor

and rip off all your clothes
and shove my...

Hey, hey.
Don't make me fire you.

Sorry, sorry.

Yeah. It's just the phone.

I am so gentle in person.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Not if I see you first,
you sexy mother...

What are they doing?

It's a book fair.
Are there rides?

No, there aren't rides;
there are books.

Why is it outside?

Because it's a fair?

Are there rides?

Okay, go darling...
go pick out a book.

Okay? I'll see
you later.
Okay.

Are we at all worried
about him?

Okay, Richard, you know
the plan, right?

You're gonna come, you're
gonna pick up Ritchie,

he's sleeping at
your house tonight.

Now, do not come back
if he forgets something.

Seriously. If he doesn't have
a toothbrush,

just, you know...

Well, it doesn't matter--

I think they're still
his baby teeth.

You guys are done
having kids, right?

Richard, Richard,
I'm serious, okay?

I really mean business.

And by business,
I mean, dirty business.

And by dirty business,

I mean... (whispers): sex.

Thanks for cracking that code.

I want the house empty.

Well, I have class anyway.

I have gross anatomy tonight.

And he had bad breath
this morning.

(both laughing)

No. We get
our cadavers tonight.

And Mr. Harris gets his cadaver
tonight, too.

I don't like that.

Ah, hello, crazy, mixed-up,
Campbell family.

Hello, Matthew.

Hello, Lindsay.
Or Marly.

It's Lindsay.

No, I'm Lindsay.
You're Marly.

Ugh! God, does it matter?

I am just so hungry.

Yeah, she's
giving up sugar...

and food.

So, take a look
around the book fair.

Don't worry, Christine;
it's not just books.

It's also magazines
and comics

and cute little puppy
calendars on that table,

over there.

Lindsay, you don't give someone
a calendar

who has nothing to put in it.

Well, I was
just trying to steer her

toward the inexpensive table.

She's lonely and poor.

Well, how do you make
someone like that feel better?

Hey, hey!

I don't need you to make me
feel better.

I have a very full life.

Go ahead. Go ahead,
tell 'em.

Tell 'em who I'm gonna be
with tonight.

That thing
in your nightstand?

That thing
in your underwear drawer?

That thing Ritchie found in the
box of Christmas decorations,

and then when we
couldn't explain it,

we had to put it on top
of the Christmas tree

and tell him it was
a "pickle angel"?

For your information,

I am going to be
with Mr. Harris tonight.

Or Daniel as I call him

because I am dating him.

(both laugh)

Yeah, yeah. I've been dating him
for two months.

If I weren't dating him,
why would I have

this picture of him on my phone?

Well, that doesn't
prove anything.

We all have pictures of
Mr. Harris on our phones.

See, here is one of him
on the first day of school.

Here's one of him
on the last day of school.

And here's one of him
watching TV.

Here's one of him
thinking he hears

something
outside his window.

Check this one out.

Oh.
Ah, that's cute.

(grunting)

Okay...
That was ten.

That was four.

That was six.

I'll give you five.

Ha. It was only three.

Feel my abs.

I will not.

I'll feel yours.

You will not.

You know, you can't get
in shape in one day.

It hasn't been
just one day.

Yesterday, I went
on a juice fast.

You ate a box of popsicles.

With ten percent juice.

I can't believe
you're just getting around

to sleeping with that man.

This is not like you.

You're a slut.

I know, but I've got a really
good defense system.

I haven't shaved in two months.

Yeah. It's my invention.

It's a hair chastity belt.

That's foul.

So much hair, I had
to go up a size in pants.

Anyway, it worked,

'cause Daniel and I established
a friendship before the sex.

Mm, that's great.

Seems like a lot of pressure
you're putting on yourself.

What? What pressure?

You know, all that buildup.

You both been thinking
about it for so long

that when you finally
get around to it,

it better be great...

or it's gonna be
a giant letdown.

You know... pressure.

Okay...

This is option three.

Is it too much?

Is it not enough?

Too much talking
about it,

not enough not
talking about it.

Why you so nervous?

It's the pressure.

Barb, there is no pressure.

Oh, okay, yes!
There is pressure.

All right, I'm worried
I may have waited too long

and missed my window
of opportunity for sex.

What?

He's a guy.

The sex window is always open.

Even when the sex window's
closed,

it's still unlatched.

Even when it's latched,

there's always
the sex doggy door.

Richard, come on!

We've only been dating
for two months.

There's not gonna be
a sex doggy door.

All right, listen...
tell me the truth.

Am I good in bed?

You're fantastic in bed.

Really?

Oh. What makes me fantastic?

You're in bed, with me.

Okay. Okay, so...
I'm good in bed.

I don't know.

What do you mean
you don't know?

That one time in college...

I didn't really get
what you were doing.

What do you mean?

I was just doing
what you were doing.

Wait. You two were
doing something?

With each other?

What were you doing?

I know what I was doing.

I don't know what she was doing.

But you were both doing it?

It was an open house

at the Women's Studies
Department that got out of hand.

Okay? It was a lot of
Chardonnay, a little petting.

It only lasted a minute.

That's right,
it only lasted a minute

because you went too fast.

I was scared.

Why didn't you
tell me this?

I could've used
the information.

In fact, I'm using it right now.

Someone should enjoy it.

So I'm bad in bed.

Now I'm gonna sleep with Daniel

and our whole relationship
is gonna go up in smoke,

just like my lesbianism.

You guys, I got my cadaver
in class tonight

and something really disturbing
happened.

(gasps):
It moved.

Yeah, they take those bodies
before they're dead.

That's why I don't sign
the back of my driver's license.

Barb, something really
disturbing happened to me

tonight in my anatomy class.

I think I know my cadaver.

"Mike Adaver"?

Is he that guy
with the weird arm

who works at the pizza place?

Richard, the cadaver they gave
me might be our old neighbor.

Did you know Barb and Christine
got into it in college?

Oh, my God-- back to you!

Mr. Prawler-- once alive,
now possibly dead--

and assigned to me
for dissection.

I pulled back the sheet
and I think it was him,

but I'm not sure.

You have to come back
to class with me

and see if you can
identify him.

What? No, no, no,
no. I can't.

Tonight's the night
I disappoint Daniel in bed.

You're fine in bed.

What? You said I was fantastic
in bed.

I don't know.

Barb!
(knocking on door)

Oh, no! He's here.
He's here.

Why did I shave?

What's the matter
with you?

Oh, I don't know...
it's just all this pressure.

There's been
so much buildup now,

I don't think I can go
through with it.

Okay, come with me.

How far?
To the door.

Oh... Daniel, hi.

Hi.

You look beautiful.

Oh, you look so beautiful, too.

So, shall we?

Uh, no. Uh, there's
a little problem.

Um... someone may or may not
have died,

and we may or may not know him.

Uh, but the point is
do not sign

the back your driver's license.

That doesn't make any sense.

Well, you know, death--
it's like...senseless.

But, um, so I need to be
with Matthew.

I'm-I'm so sorry,
but I'm gonna call you later.

Oh, that's too bad.

You look so nice.

Do you... do you mind
if I take your picture?

CHRISTINE:
Boy, that was lame.

I can't believe I bailed
on the perfect man.

I thought I was doing
everything right.

You know what?
That's my problem.

I think too much.

Yeah, that's
your problem.

It's so cold in here.

Uh-huh.

Like a morgue.

Oh, my God.

Matthew, what?

They just leave them
out on the table?

Oh, I'm not sure I can look
at one of them.

I'm not good
around dead people.

Remember at Grandma's funeral

when they made me kiss her
on the lips

and I almost threw up?

Well, first of all,
that was cousin Billy's wedding

and Grandma wasn't dead.

Then why did I throw up?

All right, let's just
get this over with.
Right.

I want you to tell me if
this is Mr. Prawler.

All right. Don't show me
anything below the neck.

Or below the waist.

Actually, show me
the whole thing.

I'm kind of curious.

(gasps):
Oh, my God.

Oh, that's...
that's Mr. Prawler.

I knew it.
Wow.

I remember he used to order
all those Scout cookies from me,

and then when I'd show up
with them,

he could never find
his checkbook.

Well, that's what you get.

Christine, this is
somebody we knew.

And now he's dead.

Good luck getting my money now.

I can't dissect
somebody I know.

I can't do this.

I hate medical school.

I hate the books, I hate
the dead bodies.

I don't like
sick people.
Yeah.

I feel like I'm getting
a little something.

My God, everyone in this room
is a better listener than you.

Oh.

Sorry, sorry.

So what...
what are you going to do?

I don't know.
Not this.

If I don't like it now,

it's not going to
get any better.

Life's too short.

I mean, don't you think
it's important

to do something
you love?

I do, Matthew.

And I love Mr. Harris.

So I'm going to do him.

And I'm going to drop
out of medical school.

Mine's going to be better
than yours.
No doubt.

I get what you're saying
about Christine.

When she's doing it,

it's like she's got
something to prove

and she's sort of
pissed off at you.

And her mouth is so tense
the whole time.

It was like kissing a chicken.

And there's too much movement.

The whole thing is just
a little frantic.

That's it.
That's the word.

Frantic.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

It was him?

Who?

Your neighbor.
Oh, yeah.

It's him. He's dead.

Sad.

But that's not the news.

I'm quitting medical school.

You're quitting medical school?

Are you kidding me?
Oh.

No, no, no. I remember now.

Yeah, Matthew's quitting
medical school.

Andam taking my relationship
with Daniel

to the next level tonight.

Okay.

Well, just remember,

easy does it.

That's right.

Stay loose.

Yeah, I'm ready.

Because life is short, okay.

So I'm going to Daniel's
right now.

Wish me luck.

Good luck having sex with
your boyfriend, sis!

Oh.

Matthew,

you're going through
kind of a big thing.

Do you need me to stay
and talk to you more

about quitting
medical school?

Yeah, I kind of would like
to talk about it, actually.

Oh.

Go.

Oh, thanks.

You're going to be
such a good doctor.

Sorry to bother you,

but I just came back
to check on Christine.

I, um, brought a sympathy card.

I got it at the gas station.

All they had was something in
Spanish with a picture of Jesus.

Christine isn't here.

She said she was going
to your place.

Oh.

Well, what happened?
I thought someone died.

Yes. My neighbor.

But I decided not
to dissect him.

Yeah,

I'm dropping out
of medical school,

so that's a,
a pretty big deal.

Christine never told me
you were in medical school.

Oh, I don't think
she knew.

So, anyway,
now I got to decide

what to do with the rest
of my life.

Dreading calling
my parents.

So...

how long ago
did Christine leave?

You guys are perfect
for each other.

Thanks. Uh, oh...

I think Jesus
said it best.

He wasn't there,
Matthew.

I missed my opportunity.

I can't believe I wasted
your razor on that man.

Oh!

Deal with it.

You're a doctor.

No, I'm not.

Oh, yeah.

Are you okay?

Don't.

You know, your
boyfriend was here
looking for you.

He was?

Where'd he go?
What did he say?

He went back
to his place.

(gasps):
You're kidding?

Okay. I'm going back.

And I'm not coming back here
until I've had sex.

Ideally it'll be with Daniel,

but at this point
I'd take Mr. Prawler.

You're lovely.

Yeah.

(knocking on door)

* Ooh.

Christine.

You okay?

Mmm.

(chuckles)

Oh, yeah,
everything's fine.

I'm totally over it.

Let's just focus
on us, hmm?

Mmm.

Mmm.

You smell like
chocolate.

Oh, is that racist?

(laughing):
No.

It's cookies.
Oh.

But thanks for asking.
Come on in.
Okay.

I'm glad you're back.

You sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

It was just a weird day.

You know, I was feeling
all this pressure

because we waited
so long.

But I'm good now.
I'm ready.

Okay.
Feel my abs.

Whoa!

Whoa.
Whoa, right?

Now I'm going
to feel yours.

Oh, God.

Yours are better.

You know what?
You go in the light.

(laughs)

(chuckles)

Wow.

So, here we are.

Big night.

Oh, yeah, let's not...

let's not think of it
like that though, okay.

It's just...
it's just a night.

No pressure.

(laughs)

(moans)

Uh-oh, I'm
kind of...
Mm-mm.

smooshed there.
Here we go.

Whoa.
Whoa.

(both laugh)
Oh.

That's nice.

Okay.

What-what's
happening now?

Oh, no, sorry,
it's just...

I cannot believe that
you have those cookies.

Those are the exact
same cookies

I used to sell
to my, um...

mmm, to my neighbor
and, uh...

(sighs)

Well, let's-let's
just do this.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

(crying)

Would you like
a cookie?

No, no, no,
no, no, no.

It's just, um, it's just
my neighbor, you know,

the guy who died,
you know, he, um...

(clears throat)

...he used to order
cookies from me.

And, and, and now
he's dead, but,

you know, that's-that's okay.

(crying)

I'm, um, I'm really into this.

Let's just get it on.

(laughing):
You know...

the words are right,

the tears are
throwing me off.
No, but...

it's nothing, it really isn't.

It's just that it's been
kind of a hard day for me,

you know, because there's...

there's been a lot of pressure,
and, um, death.

And, oh...

should I take off my dress?

Please don't.
Christine...

If you're upset, we don't
have to do this tonight.

No, no, no, I
want to, I do.

I really don't want
to wait too long.

I really don't want
to screw this up

because I really like you.

I like you so much.

Let's just break up.

Sweetie, slow down.

You're a little frantic.

(grunting)
Listen...

Listen, I understand
about the pressure.

I feel pressure, too.

If we didn't like
each other so much

we wouldn't feel
this way.

Really?

You feel pressure, too?

Of course.

I'm crazy
for you.
Oh.

And if tonight's not the night,
we'll have another night.

And whenever it happens,
it will be great.

Oh.

Yeah.

You're right.
It will be great.

Yeah, because I'm great.

Barb is slow.

No idea.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine now.

(sighs)

Thank you for being
so understanding.

I can wait
as long as you can.

I'm ready now.

Mmm.

So, it was good?

It was perfect.

It was romantic.

It was sad.

It was sexy.

I got angry at one point.

It was like a whole
film festival.

Wow, that's scary.

Why scary?

With a first time that good,

puts so much pressure
on the second time.

But if you're not worried,
that's good.

I'm not.

You shouldn't be.