The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 22 - Frasier - full transcript

We're on a break, it's fine.

Mmm.
Besides I'm not talking
about this with you.

Why?

Because you're my ex-wife.

I'm also your friend.

You're not my friend.

Yeah, Christine,
she was home.

She was home cooking
another man dinner.

By the phone?

Damn it!

Why did I listen
to you?



We're not on a break.

We're broken up.

Richard...

buddy...

what can I do
to make you feel better?

Want to make me
feel better?

I do.
What do you want, pal?

I want sex.

With who?

You, pal.

So, anything interesting
happening at school today?

We're going to look at slides
of skin cells

under a real microscope.

What are you doing
at med school?



Oh, me and my lab partner,
Larry, are building a ramp,

we're going to jump my bike
over it.

Hey, sweetie pie, daddy's going
to be here any second.

Go get your stuff ready, okay?

Okay, Mom.
Okay.

Mmm, ga...
what are you guys eating?

(sniffing)

Ooh, that smells disgusting.

It's eggs. You want some?

Yeah, a little.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey, can you
pick up Ritchie

after school today?

New Christine called and
she wants to come over to talk.

Oh, yeah?
You think you guys are going

to get back together?

I don't know.
I hope so.

I hate being broken up.
It's so sad and lonely.

I feel like such a loser.
I don't know how you do it.

Just takes a little courage.

Oh, by the way, Matthew...
we're out of courage.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, there he is.
You ready for school?

Yeah. We're gonna look at
skin cells under a microscope.

At my job, we hid a bunch of
barbeque ribs in the wall,

we're going to freak out
the electrician.

Cool.

Come on.

Hey, good luck
with New Christine.

Bye, lovey-dovey.
Bye, Mom.

(clears throat)

So, what's the deal
with you and Richard?

What deal? We're fine.

You slept together a week ago.

So?

So, it should be awkward.

You should be stuttering
and sweating

and avoiding eye contact.

Why? It's just sex.

You're in, you're out.

It's a simple transaction.

God, it's like
you're buying a sofa.

A filthy, used sofa.

It, you know what, it doesn't
count with me and Richard,

'cause we were married,

and we weren't involved with
anyone else at the time.

It's a victimless crime.

No consequences.

No, sex always has consequences.

Either someone falls in love,
or someone gets hurt,

or someone convinces themself

there was more there
than there really was.

Oh, she didn't call
you yet, huh?

No! And I left her
like a thousand messages.

Can you get these
dishes away?

This... oh, God,
this stuff stinks.

What's going on
with you, huh?
I don't know.

My sense of smell is really
heightened lately.

I haven't been this sensitive
since I was pregnant.

Consequences?

You've got to be freakin'
kidding me.

I cannot be pregnant.

I'm only two pounds away

from losing the baby-weight
from Ritchie.

I need one of those
early detection tests.

Do you see one
of those?

Well, I'm seeing a whole lot
of creams

and... hey, look,
a douche bag's a real thing.

No, I need one of
those tests you can take

before you missed your period.

Wait, you're not even late?

What are we doing here?

And how did my calendar get off?

I don't have
to be late, okay?

I know my body and
it's telling me I'm pregnant:

I'm sensitive to smells,
I'm exhausted,

and do you have any idea
what my boobs feel like?

I wish I could say no.

Hey, I got your message.

Came as soon as I could.

What?
I didn't call you.

I did. I'm sorry.

I need a break.

I mean, I've been there for you
through your divorce,

two juice fasts, "The Cleanse",

the week when you thought
Jon Stewart was calling you

and hanging up.

Hey, it said "private caller,"

and he's a very private man.

It's time to pass the torch.

So what's the problem?
She thinks
she's pregnant.

Her symptoms include:

general swelling, fatigue,

nausea, heightened sense
of smell.

Tell her about my nipples.

And if you need me,

I'll be in the assisted
suicide aisle.

Oh, God, Barb, I don't know
what I'm going to do.

I didn't plan on having
another baby.

I was finally getting
my life back.

Were you?

No.

Look, before you go crazy,

why don't you take a test and
find out if you're pregnant?

No, I can't take it yet.

Even with these
early detection tests,

you have to wait
a couple of days.

And I just hate not knowing.

I'm going to have to tell
Richard.

Why don't you wait
until you know for sure?

Because this is torture.

Why does he get to go all about
his dopey way,

all satisfied and relaxed
while I'm miserable,

and flatulent and sober?

And plus, you might be pregnant.

I don't see anything
under that name.

Are you sure your doctor didn't
send it to another pharmacy?

Yes, I'm sure.

I've been coming here
since I was like 11.

Where's the little Chinese guy
who usually works here?

Hey, Phon?

Phon?

His name is John.

And he's on break.

Well, find him.

It's my anti-anxiety
medication.

You don't say.

Oh, great.

Oh, look who's here.

Oh, good,
you work here now.

Could you find Phon?

Wait, what is that?

That's not a pregnancy test?
Are you pregnant?

Oh, well, I...

Of course
she's not pregnant.

That's impossible.

No, remember that
woman on Oprah

who gave birth to those
twins when she was 60?

And I got a Google Alert

about a parrot who
gave birth at 90.
No. Really?

Well, actually,

the pregnancy test is
for me.

I don't know
how it happened.

I was messing around
with some married guy

in this nice
neighborhood...

Where do you live again?

Vista Heights.

Vista Heights.
Yeah.

Mmm, Vista Heights.
Yeah, that was it.

And the strangest thing,

there was a picture
of some chick,

looked just like...

you.

No, wait, um,
maybe it was you.

Hmm. Oh, well.

Wish me luck.

Yeah, okay,
good luck.
Good luck.

Thank you.

Thank you
for that.

My pleasure.

I can't believe
this is happening.

I missed you so much.

Being apart from you
made me realize

I don't care if you're not ready
to get married.

I just want to be with you.

Everything else can wait.

I hate being away from you.

Me, too.

It's awful out there.

Dating is a nightmare.

Dating?
Y-You were dating?

Yeah, I told you that.

You said one date.

I don't think so.

So what do you want to do
to celebrate?

Should we go out to dinner?

Sure. Anything.

So, how many dates?

Like, two?

Well, two and
a three-day weekend.

Which I guess is five.

Or three, if you count
the weekend as one.

There was a weekend?

Well, it turned into a weekend.

Sweetie, it doesn't matter.

I'm here, with you, right now.

You're right.

That's all that matters.

Oh, my God, Ron,
we're back together.

What?!

I'm going to get
some champagne.

Ron?

(knocking on door)

Okay, Richard.

We've got to talk.

Now, I have something
to tell you

and you're probably going
to freak out

but I just want you to listen
before you say anything

because this is huge.

Who's Ron?

Okay, so, this morning,

I was feeling a little weird,
I went to the drug store...

Oh, look who it is.

Richard.

What?

You called me Ron.

I don't think so.

Hi, Christine.
Hi.

Wha... uh, what,
what is she doing here?

We're back together.

Isn't it great?

I just couldn't handle
being out there again.

Some guy trying
to impress you.

"Here's my giant house."

"Here's my fancy car."

"We're already in Nevada,

we might as well
make it a weekend."

We're together
now, though.

(chuckles)

So... what's the big news?

Oh... it's...
nothing, really.

Come on,
you said you had huge news.

No, it's, it's no big deal,
it's just...

Yeah, maybe a little.

What?

No, no.

Pay attention.

You and me...

Well, I'm flattered, but I told
you we're back together.

Christine, would you
like some champagne?

No, I can't.

Even though I
love champagne.

And I'm not on antibiotics
right now.

I can't.

Oh, g...

I'm getting out of here.

What was that
all about?

Christine feels fat.

Yeah, maybe a little.

(sighs)

Oh, my boobs are
about to explode.

And... good day to you.

Matthew, did you open this
pregnancy test?

One of the sticks is missing.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I wanted to try it.

Oh, and by the way,

you don't use it
like a thermometer.

All right, listen, Matthew,

you know, I am going
through kind of a thing here,

and I could really use
a little support.

I'm sorry; I'm sure
it'll be fine.

You might not even
be pregnant.

Yeah, well,
I better be pregnant,

'cause I just felt
something kick.

I'll go boil the water

and get some hot rags.
Yeah.

(knocking on door)

(sighs)

Hey.

Oh, Daniel.

I hope it's okay that
I just dropped by.

Can I come in?

Oh, yeah, sure, come on in.

Sorry, uh,
this place is kind of a mess.

If I'd known you were coming
I probably would have...

moved.

So listen,
I got some good news.

Oh, great, I could use some
good news.

I got a job offer
at another school.

Which means I won't be your
son's teacher anymore.

Which means,

if you're still interested,

I would love to go out
with you.

Oh, come on!

You and I can
finally go out.

And I was thinking
for our first date,

we can go to this
Italian place I know.

And I know you like pizza,

'cause I saw some
on your floor over there.

So what do you think about us?

Uh, I'm not really sure

what I'm doing right now,
so can I get back to you?

Oh, okay.

Can I ask, is there
someone else?

That's the question
we're all asking.

Okay.

I feel like an idiot.

I came over here assuming
you felt the same way about me

as I feel about you.

But obviously,
something's changed.

I've just had a really bad day

that could turn into
several really bad years...

...and I just need a little bit
of time to figure things out.

Can you give me a little time?

Sure.

Okay. Yeah.

Great.
Well, I'll call you tomorrow.

Or in, uh, 18 years.

Are you believing this?

I mean, my timing
could not be worse.

I am days away
from giving birth,

and the man of my dreams
comes over

and practically
throws himself at me.

You know, no one
ever talks about it,

but I guess there is a downside
to having unprotected sex.

Barb, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I've been waiting
all year to be with him,

and being pregnant isn't exactly
a turn-on for most guys.

Oh. Hey, wait.

What if I sleep with Daniel
real fast

and then I tell him
that the baby is his?!

Really?

You... You can't think of

a single problem
with that plan?

Are you wearing
your pregnancy jeans?

I actually never stopped
wearing them.

You're pregnant?!

You just figured that out?

You're terrible at charades.

I am great at charades.

Shakespeare.

Musical.

Proper name.

I think you got me pregnant,
you irresponsible goon.

Hey, it's not all my fault.

You were right there with me.

Actually, I was about
ten minutes behind you.

That's nice,
mother of my children.

Yeah, you know what?
Guys, guys.

We don't even know
if she's pregnant yet.

Let's just take the test,

and we'll figure it out
from there.

You haven't even
taken the test yet?

What are you doing to me?!

I can't take it yet,
Richard, okay?

I have to wait for
my first morning's urine.

But I know my body, all right?

I had two Reubens today.

What does that tell you?

You're a pig.

Oh, nice.

Real nice,
father of my children.

I'm sorry. Okay.

I'm not mad at you.

I just can't believe this.

New Christine and I
just got back together.

If you're pregnant,

she's probably gonna find out
we slept together.

Yeah, well, if I can't convince
Daniel that this baby is his,

I have no shot with him!

You two shouldn't be allowed
to have children.

I can't believe

I traded a meaningful
relationship with someone I love

for 20 minutes
of dirty fun with you.

Yeah, well,
how do you think I feel?

I traded it for 10 minutes
of dirty fun.

So we can't find out
until tomorrow morning?

What are we gonna do until then?

I don't know.

Something mindless.

Something that'll distract us.

Hey!

Stop that!

You get off her!

See? This is good.

We're out of the house.

We can think about
something else.

So, the first
morning's urine...

is that after midnight

or do you have to wait
until morning?

I don't know.

I think the sun has to be up.

That doesn't make any sense.
What if you work a night job?

All right, I don't know,
Richard, okay?

I don't make the rules!

Well, I just...
Guys, guys.

We said we weren't
gonna talk about it.

Okay, sorry.

Sorry.

Hey.

I found that cat
I thought I lost.

It was under the bed.

Not my bed, the guest bed.

It's the only room with carpet.

Cats love carpet.

And milk.

What else do cats like?

Let's go around the table.

Oh, I can't believe
I might be pregnant!

Yeah, we're
so stupid!

Oh, God, I thought
I was done with this.

Now I got to worry about

3:00 a.m. feedings
and changing diapers.

We finally had our lives
separate, in a good way.

Then we go and screw it up.

We screw everything up.

I know. We are such screwups.

Why does this keep
happening to us?

Hey, what the hell
is wrong with you two?

So you might be
having another kid.

Big deal.

Making babies is the only thing
that you two do well.

Now, let's focus

and come up with some things
that cats like.

Christine,
you all right up there?

CHRISTINE:
Stop talking to me.

I can't go when people
are talking to me.

Or listening to me.

We're not.

You're talking to me!

Shut up and pee.

This is torture.

Just calm down.
You'll know in a minute.

Actually, I kind of hope
Christine has a baby.

I think it might be fun.

That's easy for you to say;
you don't have to live here.

All the late nights,
crying and screaming--

the baby's only gonna
make that worse.

Okay, I did it.

And it's only wet
because I washed my hands.

Is that true?

No.

So what is it?

I don't know.
I haven't looked yet.

But, listen,
no matter what happens,

we're gonna be fine, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah, we did it before,
we can do it again.

Yeah.
We're just a little older.

Mmm, yeah.

When the baby graduates
high school, we'll be...

Dead.

Just trying
to lighten the mood.

Come on, come
on, look.

(sighs)

Okay, here goes.

(gasps)

I'm pregnant.

Wow.

Okay.

We're gonna be
parents again.

Yeah.
Good.

Good.

This is good.

Yeah, we'll co-parent
from different houses.

It works with Ritchie,
it'll work for the twins.

No... I know my body.

It's twins.

This is gonna
be great.

Wait, there's
only one line.

Yeah, pregnant.

Well, when I took it,
I got one line, too.

So, I mean, either
we're both pregnant...

or you're wrong.

Wait a minute.

One line...
oh, "not pregnant."

I'm not pregnant!

Oh, thank God!

(screaming)

Thank God!
Oh, my God!

I mean, it would've been
okay either way, but...

Oh, thank God!

Thank God!

Oh, wow!

I guess I just had
really bad PMS.

Really bad.

Historically bad.

I've never seen
it that bad.

CHRISTINE:
All right.

All right, you know what?
Get out.

You're all bugging me.

I'm gonna go over
to New Christine's,

but first, I'm gonna
stop and buy some condoms.

Eh, she's probably on something.

Oh, I got to go, too.

Where? It's 7:00
in the morning.

There's something I have to do.

So, after we added a room
onto the guest house,

we realized it was bigger
than our main house.

So now we're just moving
into the guest house.

What are you gonna do
with the main house?

You mean the house in Maine?

I didn't know you had
a house in Maine.

Well, I don't
tell you everything.

Ah, look what the
cat dragged in.

If my cat dragged that in,
I'd put them both to sleep.

(women chuckle)

Screw...

you.

Morning.

Mrs. Campbell.

What are you doing here?

Well, um... I've been
thinking about our date.

In fact, it's all
I've been thinking about

for the last six months.

And if you still want
to go out with me,

I would... I would very much
like to go out with you.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

How 'bout that?

Pretty good, huh?

Yeah.

(chuckles):
Really good.

Should we ask them
what they thought?

(clears throat)

So, um, Mr. Harris, you just,

you let me know what
you would like to do then.

Okay.
All right.

And, um...

(clears throat)

Everyone... you have
a super summer.

Uh-oh.
(chuckles)

Yeah.

(laughing):
Can't... get out of here.