The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 21 - Friends - full transcript
While shadowing Ritchie, who is on a camping trip, Christine gives Richard some bad advice about getting New Christine back--which only winds up getting them back in bed together again. And Matthew discovers he may be sexually attracted to Barb.
We're going
to sleep in tents.
Yeah.
We get to
have a campfire.
Ooh.
And we get to poop
off the side of rocks.
Oh, that sounds great.
But listen, darling,
you have to remember,
that has to stop
the minute you get home. Okay.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Yeah.
What if I miss you
during the night?
Oh, that's no problem.
That's why we have the plan,
right?
See, you're going to go up
on the bus with your class,
and then Daddy and Uncle Matthew
and Barb and I
are going to drive up, and we're
going to stay at a motel
that's two minutes
from the campsite
just in case you need us.
Plus, you've got
the walkie-talkie,
so you can call
whenever you want.
Okay, honey, so Mommy's
going to be at the
Golden Door Spa,
but I'll probably be in
treatments all day,
so that means no phones.
But shoved some extra cash
in your sleeping bag,
so if there's
an emergency,
just pay someone
to help you.
Are you going
to be okay, Mom?
Yeah.
I don't have to go.
No, you should go
with your friends.
I'll be fine at home.
Daddy's there.
Oh, I love you so much.
I really think you're
going to make it this time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I really think you're going
to make it this time.
Mom?
All right, parents.
Say good-bye
to your child
and clear the area.
If you've said good-bye,
you have no reason to be here.
Let's go.
Campbell, get your
buttons in the bus.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, darling. You're going
to do great, sweetie.
Hey, listen, uh,
Coach Hammond.
Um, Ritchie's never made it
through a sleepover,
so if you could keep an eye
on him, he's very sensitive.
He also lies
about brushing his teeth.
Miss Campbell?
Yes.
I have been leading this troop
successfully for 16 years...
over the past 18 years.
You have very little
to worry about.
All right! Let's go.
Bye, Mom.
Oh... bye, sweetie.
See ya.
See ya.
(soft twangy beat playing
on radio)
* That's the night when
the lights went out in Georgia *
* That's the night that
they hung an immigrant ham *
(turns off radio)
You pretty sure you got the
words right to that song?
Yeah.
I got a knot right
in the middle of my back.
Can you see
if you can get in there?
Oh, you have come
to right place.
My mom used to make
me rub her feet.
She said I have magic fingers,
and called me her little Romeo,
and-- I don't want to
talk about this anymore.
What are you thinking about?
Boy, I don't miss
that question.
You thinking
about New Christine?
What?
Well, you haven't heard
from her in a month.
You might be
a little freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
We're on a break; it's fine.
Besides, I'm not talking
about this with you.
Why?
Because you're
my ex-wife.
I'm also your friend.
You're not my friend.
What? Come on.
I might even be
your best friend.
Come on,
say that we're friends.
Why is it so
important to you?
Because I hate that you say
we're not friends-- we are.
Nobody has what we have.
We could write a book
about the perfect divorce.
I'm telling you,
if we'd gotten divorced earlier,
we'd probably still be married.
Oh, God, yeah.
Right there, that's it.
Is that it?
That's it.
(sighs)
Harder.
Harder.
Don't stop.
Oh... yeah.
What happened?
Why'd you stop?
I had to, my hands hurt,
I'm tired.
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
* Georgia Patrol
were making their rounds *
* And they fired a shot
just to flag him down *
* And a pig-bellied sheriff
grabbed his gum and said *
* "Why'd you chew it?" *
Sing it.
(humming melody)
And here's
your second room.
Huh.
Well, this one smells
less like armpit.
(sniffs)
No, it's a tie.
Okay, Barb, you and I
will take this one,
and you guys are next door.
Oh, because it's off-season,
we cut back
on some of our amenities.
There's no room service,
the pool has been drained,
and coffee shop's closed.
This is the desert's
peak season.
Is it?
I don't know.
My mom gave me this motel
to keep me busy
now that I'm
out of rehab.
Oh, hey, listen.
If someone knocks on the door
three times quiet
and then three more times,
don't open it.
Just... tell them to go
to the manager's office.
I think he's going to make it.
(scoffs)
Oh. I hope there's a blow dryer
in the room,
'cause I forgot to bring mine.
I'm going to go check it out.
God, this sucks!
No room service,
no restaurant.
Richard's hair is going
to be all wild and unruly.
I'm starving, too.
I mean, all I've got
is an unwrapped piece of gum
and an Advil stuck to a penny.
I saw a mini-mart
down the highway.
I'm going to go
get us some snacks.
Good. Matthew, go with her.
It's dark out there, and there's
coyotes and road runners...
And rocket-powered
roller skates.
She'll be fine.
It's just a couple
of miles back.
Matthew, just go with her.
I don't want to be alone
with Barb.
Why? Just don't piss her off.
You'll be fine.
(sighs)
It's not that.
Before... in the car,
I was rubbing her back,
and then...
What?
(sighs)
Oh, my God.
What are you telling me?
Stuff happened?
Yeah.
Stuff happened?
No! I had an emotion.
A feeling.
I started thinking
about her the way
I did when I first
met her, you know,
when you brought her home
from college that weekend.
She was sitting beside
the above-ground pool,
rubbing baby oil...
all over herself.
Cold water, Larry King,
Mom's feet, you.
Cold water, Larry King,
Mom's feet, you.
Cold water, Larry King,
Mom's feet, you.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, cut it out.
Okay.
Barb is married.
You could do
a lot worse than me.
All right, I'm sorry
I brought it up.
(mumbling):
So to speak.
Okay, stop it.
Control yourself.
It's hard!
(mumbling):
So to speak.
All right, I'm done.
God.
Damn.
There's no
reception up here.
Oh, yeah, that's why I brought
walkie-talkies.
Oh. 'Cause you were thinking New
Christine might want to call?
No, I wasn't thinking that.
God, I'm starving.
Don't they even have
a minibar?
All right, all right,
I got something.
Ooh. Is it food?
I'd say it's either
a lime or a testicle.
Ooh. Give me half.
(walkie-talkie beeps)
(gasps)
Oh!
Oh.
Ritchie? Hi, honey, it's Mommy.
It's Mommy.
Are you okay, Ritchie?
HAMMOND:
Ms. Campbell?
Lovie?
No, it's Coach Hammond.
I found this walkie-talkie
in your son's tent.
I'm radioing to tell you
I'm confiscating it,
and you won't be hearing
from him. Over.
What?
If you're done talking,
you need to say, "Over." Over.
Okay, over.
Um, you know, I'm sorry
if I broke the rules,
but, um, I'm just really worried
about Ritchie.
Like I told you, he's never
spent the night away from home,
and it's very important to me
that he feel safe, and...
(static bursting)
Ooh.
Ms. Campbell, please,
Ritchie is fine.
You'll see him tomorrow
afternoon when the trip is over.
Over.
But what if he needs me?
Over.
Ritchie isn't the only kid
to be a little anxious.
He's not even the only one
on this trip.
I see it all the time,
especially with the boys
raised by overprotective
mothers. Over.
Hey, you know what?
I'm not overprotective, okay?
Just last week, I lost him
at the Farmer's Market,
so if anything, I'm
under protective. Over.
He's going to be fine,
and he's going to feel proud
when he makes it.
We'll see you tomorrow,
Ms. Campbell.
Over.
We came all the way
up here for nothing.
Oh.
I just discovered what
smells like armpit.
Oh, no, wait.
That's my armpit.
Man, I cannot get
rid of this knot.
Maybe we can pick up some lotion
at the mini-mart
and you can do me
when we get back.
Uh, so how's your husband, Pete?
I don't know.
Pete's Pete.
Actually,
things aren't going great.
Ever since we've reconciled,
things have gotten worse.
He goes out of town
every time he gets the chance.
My neck's messed up
from sleeping in the guest room.
We haven't had sex
in three months.
How's your mom?
Pete and I haven't even kissed
in over six months.
Which should tell you
a little something
about what the sex was
like three months ago.
Wait, didn't you have a cousin
worked at Baskin Robbins?
(engine sputtering)
Did I just
piss you off?
Damn it.
We're out of gas.
Out of gas?
How can you be out of gas?
Pete usually fills my tank.
As I think I mentioned,
Pete hasn't filled my tank
in over three months.
God.
Ah. Relax.
The motel's is not that
far-- we can walk back.
(rattling)
Uh-oh.
Boy... God's got a lot of rules.
Did she call?
Who?
New Christine.
Isn't that why you're checking
your messages?
I mean, the only other person
who calls you
is your best friend
and I'm right here.
You're not my friend.
I am.
Seriously, this is, like,
crazy what you guys are doing.
Call her.
I'll bet she's sitting at home
checking her messages
every five minutes, too.
How do you know?
Because I know women.
And I'll bet if you pick up
that phone right now
and you call her, she will be
thrilled to hear from you.
She said she wanted space.
Nobody wants space.
Believe me,
I've had plenty of space.
You know what I filled it
up with? Crazy.
So you think I should call her?
Absolutely. I think it would
make her feel cared about.
All right, I'll call her.
Really? You're going
to take my advice?
Yeah. Makes sense.
Ha! And you know
why it makes sense?
'Cause I'm your friend.
I cannot believe
they only charge
59 bucks for these
two rooms.
They're nice.
God, my house is a dump.
Hey, Christine.
It's me.
Listen, I just wanted
to give you a call
and let you know
that I miss you.
And I know you said
you wanted some space, but...
What?
(groans)
I don't know what this is,
but it ain't no lime.
No. That's okay.
I guess I thought that...
Okay, great.
Well, have fun.
See? She was home,
waiting by the phone.
Yeah, Christine,
she was home.
She was home cooking
another man dinner.
By the phone?
Damn it!
Why did I
listen to you?
We're not on a break,
we're broken up.
She's on a date.
She's cooking dinner for him,
and I heard Norah Jones
in the background.
She knows Norah Jones?
No, she was playing Norah Jones.
Which is her sexy music.
And she was pissed
that I called.
She thinks we're done.
(sighs):
God. That is so awful.
How did she get a date already?
I've been single
for three years.
Damn it, Christine.
I'm so sorry.
(door closes)
Is it a lime?
(country music playing on radio)
(music stops)
Are we dead?
No, but the battery is.
Great.
So this is the end.
And there are so many
embarrassing things
in my dresser drawer.
I'm starving, I'm freezing,
I've had to pee
for the last two hours,
and I'm really scared,
because now I don't.
I got to do something.
(clears throat)
So, uh, what are you doing?
(lips smacking)
(mouth full):
Looking for a blanket.
Are you eating something?
No.
It was a protein bar.
It has extra calcium.
It's for women.
It's the only food that we had.
I had.
Ah, here we go.
A sleeping bag.
Ooh, and something
to keep you warm.
I hope they don't
find me this way.
Whew.
Okay, get in.
What?
Get in here with me.
We have to keep
each other warm.
No, I'm fine.
It's two-ply.
Matthew, it's
freezing.
Just get in.
(sighs)
Richard, I'm sorry.
Come on, I was trying to help.
Don't be mad at me.
I honestly thought I knew women.
How was I supposed to know
she's all full of boundaries
and self-esteem?
Over.
(sighs)
You know what?
I don't think
you're really mad at me.
I think that
your feelings are hurt,
and you're sad
about the breakup.
Come on, I know men.
Let me help you.
Richard, buddy...
what can I do
to make you feel better?
Want to make me
feel better?
I do. What do you want, pal?
I want sex.
With who?
You, pal.
Well, that's
definitely warmer.
I don't know
where to put my hands.
I'm turning around.
Ah, when did you dip
yourself in vanilla?
I didn't.
All I'm gonna say
is a snake better have
snuck into
this sleeping bag
(thumping)
Campbell, is that you?!
No, it's Ritchie.
Can I come in?
Why are you out of your tent?
I heard a noise.
Oh, it was probably
just the wind or...
a gentle squirrel.
The desert is full
of all sorts of...
(creaking)
(whispering):
What the hell was that?!
(shouting):
I want that flap closed!
In or out, Campbell?!
In! In! In! In!
Easy.
Easy.
BOTH:
Easy, easy, easy...
That's insane.
Why is it insane?
You say you're my friend, but
if you were really my friend,
you would have
sex with me.
Richard, I don't have sex
with my friends.
Paul Simpson, Eddie
Gibb, Sue Gottlieb...
Anymore.
I've wasted three weeks thinking
I was involved with someone
when I wasn't.
Christine, I haven't
had sex in three weeks.
Three weeks. Oh, my God.
You're like
the freaking Dalai Lama.
And you're probably
coming up on a year.
Hey!
No.
Wait, when did I
go down to the river?
Anyway, listen, Richard,
I actually like
what we have now, okay?
And I don't want
to ruin our friendship.
How would you like to make it
the best friendship ever?
This is exactly how
Sue Gottlieb got me.
Christine, there
is no downside.
It's pure sex.
Pure sex.
I like the sound of that.
So what do
you think?
I don't know.
I don't know?
Does that mean you're
thinking about it?
Just give me a minute.
Okay.
But I'm gonna
need to be seduced.
Okay.
Come on, man!
(birds chirping)
Ritchie?
Mom?
(sighs)
It's morning, kid.
You made it.
Hey, I did.
Now, get back to your tent
before the other kids wake up,
so they won't know
that you slept here.
Why?
Well, because kids can be mean.
They can call you Stork...
Ms. Ham and Eggs...
Coach Never Getting Married.
I'm gonna go.
Okay.
* Ah, ha... ah *
* Yeah, yeah *
Hey.
(chuckles)
So... here we are.
Yeah.
And you know
what's great?
I don't feel weird.
Me neither.
We did it, it was great.
It was good.
It was great.
It was sex.
And we're done.
No downside.
Pure sex.
Were you ever gonna
come looking for us?!
We were out there
all damn night!
You want to walk
back to the car?
I'm walking back
to Los Angeles.
to sleep in tents.
Yeah.
We get to
have a campfire.
Ooh.
And we get to poop
off the side of rocks.
Oh, that sounds great.
But listen, darling,
you have to remember,
that has to stop
the minute you get home. Okay.
Oh, hey, Mom.
Yeah.
What if I miss you
during the night?
Oh, that's no problem.
That's why we have the plan,
right?
See, you're going to go up
on the bus with your class,
and then Daddy and Uncle Matthew
and Barb and I
are going to drive up, and we're
going to stay at a motel
that's two minutes
from the campsite
just in case you need us.
Plus, you've got
the walkie-talkie,
so you can call
whenever you want.
Okay, honey, so Mommy's
going to be at the
Golden Door Spa,
but I'll probably be in
treatments all day,
so that means no phones.
But shoved some extra cash
in your sleeping bag,
so if there's
an emergency,
just pay someone
to help you.
Are you going
to be okay, Mom?
Yeah.
I don't have to go.
No, you should go
with your friends.
I'll be fine at home.
Daddy's there.
Oh, I love you so much.
I really think you're
going to make it this time.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I really think you're going
to make it this time.
Mom?
All right, parents.
Say good-bye
to your child
and clear the area.
If you've said good-bye,
you have no reason to be here.
Let's go.
Campbell, get your
buttons in the bus.
Okay.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye, Mom.
Bye, darling. You're going
to do great, sweetie.
Hey, listen, uh,
Coach Hammond.
Um, Ritchie's never made it
through a sleepover,
so if you could keep an eye
on him, he's very sensitive.
He also lies
about brushing his teeth.
Miss Campbell?
Yes.
I have been leading this troop
successfully for 16 years...
over the past 18 years.
You have very little
to worry about.
All right! Let's go.
Bye, Mom.
Oh... bye, sweetie.
See ya.
See ya.
(soft twangy beat playing
on radio)
* That's the night when
the lights went out in Georgia *
* That's the night that
they hung an immigrant ham *
(turns off radio)
You pretty sure you got the
words right to that song?
Yeah.
I got a knot right
in the middle of my back.
Can you see
if you can get in there?
Oh, you have come
to right place.
My mom used to make
me rub her feet.
She said I have magic fingers,
and called me her little Romeo,
and-- I don't want to
talk about this anymore.
What are you thinking about?
Boy, I don't miss
that question.
You thinking
about New Christine?
What?
Well, you haven't heard
from her in a month.
You might be
a little freaked out.
I'm not freaked out.
We're on a break; it's fine.
Besides, I'm not talking
about this with you.
Why?
Because you're
my ex-wife.
I'm also your friend.
You're not my friend.
What? Come on.
I might even be
your best friend.
Come on,
say that we're friends.
Why is it so
important to you?
Because I hate that you say
we're not friends-- we are.
Nobody has what we have.
We could write a book
about the perfect divorce.
I'm telling you,
if we'd gotten divorced earlier,
we'd probably still be married.
Oh, God, yeah.
Right there, that's it.
Is that it?
That's it.
(sighs)
Harder.
Harder.
Don't stop.
Oh... yeah.
What happened?
Why'd you stop?
I had to, my hands hurt,
I'm tired.
I don't want to talk
about this anymore.
* Georgia Patrol
were making their rounds *
* And they fired a shot
just to flag him down *
* And a pig-bellied sheriff
grabbed his gum and said *
* "Why'd you chew it?" *
Sing it.
(humming melody)
And here's
your second room.
Huh.
Well, this one smells
less like armpit.
(sniffs)
No, it's a tie.
Okay, Barb, you and I
will take this one,
and you guys are next door.
Oh, because it's off-season,
we cut back
on some of our amenities.
There's no room service,
the pool has been drained,
and coffee shop's closed.
This is the desert's
peak season.
Is it?
I don't know.
My mom gave me this motel
to keep me busy
now that I'm
out of rehab.
Oh, hey, listen.
If someone knocks on the door
three times quiet
and then three more times,
don't open it.
Just... tell them to go
to the manager's office.
I think he's going to make it.
(scoffs)
Oh. I hope there's a blow dryer
in the room,
'cause I forgot to bring mine.
I'm going to go check it out.
God, this sucks!
No room service,
no restaurant.
Richard's hair is going
to be all wild and unruly.
I'm starving, too.
I mean, all I've got
is an unwrapped piece of gum
and an Advil stuck to a penny.
I saw a mini-mart
down the highway.
I'm going to go
get us some snacks.
Good. Matthew, go with her.
It's dark out there, and there's
coyotes and road runners...
And rocket-powered
roller skates.
She'll be fine.
It's just a couple
of miles back.
Matthew, just go with her.
I don't want to be alone
with Barb.
Why? Just don't piss her off.
You'll be fine.
(sighs)
It's not that.
Before... in the car,
I was rubbing her back,
and then...
What?
(sighs)
Oh, my God.
What are you telling me?
Stuff happened?
Yeah.
Stuff happened?
No! I had an emotion.
A feeling.
I started thinking
about her the way
I did when I first
met her, you know,
when you brought her home
from college that weekend.
She was sitting beside
the above-ground pool,
rubbing baby oil...
all over herself.
Cold water, Larry King,
Mom's feet, you.
Cold water, Larry King,
Mom's feet, you.
Cold water, Larry King,
Mom's feet, you.
Hey! Hey!
Hey, cut it out.
Okay.
Barb is married.
You could do
a lot worse than me.
All right, I'm sorry
I brought it up.
(mumbling):
So to speak.
Okay, stop it.
Control yourself.
It's hard!
(mumbling):
So to speak.
All right, I'm done.
God.
Damn.
There's no
reception up here.
Oh, yeah, that's why I brought
walkie-talkies.
Oh. 'Cause you were thinking New
Christine might want to call?
No, I wasn't thinking that.
God, I'm starving.
Don't they even have
a minibar?
All right, all right,
I got something.
Ooh. Is it food?
I'd say it's either
a lime or a testicle.
Ooh. Give me half.
(walkie-talkie beeps)
(gasps)
Oh!
Oh.
Ritchie? Hi, honey, it's Mommy.
It's Mommy.
Are you okay, Ritchie?
HAMMOND:
Ms. Campbell?
Lovie?
No, it's Coach Hammond.
I found this walkie-talkie
in your son's tent.
I'm radioing to tell you
I'm confiscating it,
and you won't be hearing
from him. Over.
What?
If you're done talking,
you need to say, "Over." Over.
Okay, over.
Um, you know, I'm sorry
if I broke the rules,
but, um, I'm just really worried
about Ritchie.
Like I told you, he's never
spent the night away from home,
and it's very important to me
that he feel safe, and...
(static bursting)
Ooh.
Ms. Campbell, please,
Ritchie is fine.
You'll see him tomorrow
afternoon when the trip is over.
Over.
But what if he needs me?
Over.
Ritchie isn't the only kid
to be a little anxious.
He's not even the only one
on this trip.
I see it all the time,
especially with the boys
raised by overprotective
mothers. Over.
Hey, you know what?
I'm not overprotective, okay?
Just last week, I lost him
at the Farmer's Market,
so if anything, I'm
under protective. Over.
He's going to be fine,
and he's going to feel proud
when he makes it.
We'll see you tomorrow,
Ms. Campbell.
Over.
We came all the way
up here for nothing.
Oh.
I just discovered what
smells like armpit.
Oh, no, wait.
That's my armpit.
Man, I cannot get
rid of this knot.
Maybe we can pick up some lotion
at the mini-mart
and you can do me
when we get back.
Uh, so how's your husband, Pete?
I don't know.
Pete's Pete.
Actually,
things aren't going great.
Ever since we've reconciled,
things have gotten worse.
He goes out of town
every time he gets the chance.
My neck's messed up
from sleeping in the guest room.
We haven't had sex
in three months.
How's your mom?
Pete and I haven't even kissed
in over six months.
Which should tell you
a little something
about what the sex was
like three months ago.
Wait, didn't you have a cousin
worked at Baskin Robbins?
(engine sputtering)
Did I just
piss you off?
Damn it.
We're out of gas.
Out of gas?
How can you be out of gas?
Pete usually fills my tank.
As I think I mentioned,
Pete hasn't filled my tank
in over three months.
God.
Ah. Relax.
The motel's is not that
far-- we can walk back.
(rattling)
Uh-oh.
Boy... God's got a lot of rules.
Did she call?
Who?
New Christine.
Isn't that why you're checking
your messages?
I mean, the only other person
who calls you
is your best friend
and I'm right here.
You're not my friend.
I am.
Seriously, this is, like,
crazy what you guys are doing.
Call her.
I'll bet she's sitting at home
checking her messages
every five minutes, too.
How do you know?
Because I know women.
And I'll bet if you pick up
that phone right now
and you call her, she will be
thrilled to hear from you.
She said she wanted space.
Nobody wants space.
Believe me,
I've had plenty of space.
You know what I filled it
up with? Crazy.
So you think I should call her?
Absolutely. I think it would
make her feel cared about.
All right, I'll call her.
Really? You're going
to take my advice?
Yeah. Makes sense.
Ha! And you know
why it makes sense?
'Cause I'm your friend.
I cannot believe
they only charge
59 bucks for these
two rooms.
They're nice.
God, my house is a dump.
Hey, Christine.
It's me.
Listen, I just wanted
to give you a call
and let you know
that I miss you.
And I know you said
you wanted some space, but...
What?
(groans)
I don't know what this is,
but it ain't no lime.
No. That's okay.
I guess I thought that...
Okay, great.
Well, have fun.
See? She was home,
waiting by the phone.
Yeah, Christine,
she was home.
She was home cooking
another man dinner.
By the phone?
Damn it!
Why did I
listen to you?
We're not on a break,
we're broken up.
She's on a date.
She's cooking dinner for him,
and I heard Norah Jones
in the background.
She knows Norah Jones?
No, she was playing Norah Jones.
Which is her sexy music.
And she was pissed
that I called.
She thinks we're done.
(sighs):
God. That is so awful.
How did she get a date already?
I've been single
for three years.
Damn it, Christine.
I'm so sorry.
(door closes)
Is it a lime?
(country music playing on radio)
(music stops)
Are we dead?
No, but the battery is.
Great.
So this is the end.
And there are so many
embarrassing things
in my dresser drawer.
I'm starving, I'm freezing,
I've had to pee
for the last two hours,
and I'm really scared,
because now I don't.
I got to do something.
(clears throat)
So, uh, what are you doing?
(lips smacking)
(mouth full):
Looking for a blanket.
Are you eating something?
No.
It was a protein bar.
It has extra calcium.
It's for women.
It's the only food that we had.
I had.
Ah, here we go.
A sleeping bag.
Ooh, and something
to keep you warm.
I hope they don't
find me this way.
Whew.
Okay, get in.
What?
Get in here with me.
We have to keep
each other warm.
No, I'm fine.
It's two-ply.
Matthew, it's
freezing.
Just get in.
(sighs)
Richard, I'm sorry.
Come on, I was trying to help.
Don't be mad at me.
I honestly thought I knew women.
How was I supposed to know
she's all full of boundaries
and self-esteem?
Over.
(sighs)
You know what?
I don't think
you're really mad at me.
I think that
your feelings are hurt,
and you're sad
about the breakup.
Come on, I know men.
Let me help you.
Richard, buddy...
what can I do
to make you feel better?
Want to make me
feel better?
I do. What do you want, pal?
I want sex.
With who?
You, pal.
Well, that's
definitely warmer.
I don't know
where to put my hands.
I'm turning around.
Ah, when did you dip
yourself in vanilla?
I didn't.
All I'm gonna say
is a snake better have
snuck into
this sleeping bag
(thumping)
Campbell, is that you?!
No, it's Ritchie.
Can I come in?
Why are you out of your tent?
I heard a noise.
Oh, it was probably
just the wind or...
a gentle squirrel.
The desert is full
of all sorts of...
(creaking)
(whispering):
What the hell was that?!
(shouting):
I want that flap closed!
In or out, Campbell?!
In! In! In! In!
Easy.
Easy.
BOTH:
Easy, easy, easy...
That's insane.
Why is it insane?
You say you're my friend, but
if you were really my friend,
you would have
sex with me.
Richard, I don't have sex
with my friends.
Paul Simpson, Eddie
Gibb, Sue Gottlieb...
Anymore.
I've wasted three weeks thinking
I was involved with someone
when I wasn't.
Christine, I haven't
had sex in three weeks.
Three weeks. Oh, my God.
You're like
the freaking Dalai Lama.
And you're probably
coming up on a year.
Hey!
No.
Wait, when did I
go down to the river?
Anyway, listen, Richard,
I actually like
what we have now, okay?
And I don't want
to ruin our friendship.
How would you like to make it
the best friendship ever?
This is exactly how
Sue Gottlieb got me.
Christine, there
is no downside.
It's pure sex.
Pure sex.
I like the sound of that.
So what do
you think?
I don't know.
I don't know?
Does that mean you're
thinking about it?
Just give me a minute.
Okay.
But I'm gonna
need to be seduced.
Okay.
Come on, man!
(birds chirping)
Ritchie?
Mom?
(sighs)
It's morning, kid.
You made it.
Hey, I did.
Now, get back to your tent
before the other kids wake up,
so they won't know
that you slept here.
Why?
Well, because kids can be mean.
They can call you Stork...
Ms. Ham and Eggs...
Coach Never Getting Married.
I'm gonna go.
Okay.
* Ah, ha... ah *
* Yeah, yeah *
Hey.
(chuckles)
So... here we are.
Yeah.
And you know
what's great?
I don't feel weird.
Me neither.
We did it, it was great.
It was good.
It was great.
It was sex.
And we're done.
No downside.
Pure sex.
Were you ever gonna
come looking for us?!
We were out there
all damn night!
You want to walk
back to the car?
I'm walking back
to Los Angeles.