The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 19 - Faith Off - full transcript

Mm...

What do you think?

Is it serious?

Well, I've only been

in medical school two weeks,
so technically...

I'm not really a doctor.
I...

can't actually find my classes.

Do you see a Building 322
on this map?

Right there.

Oh, great!

You should be a doctor.



Hey, Matthew,
I have to cancel

my 11:15 appointment with you.

It turns out that suspicious
mole was a chocolate chip.

(smacking lips)

Less than 24 hours' notice--

I'm afraid I'm still gonna have
to bill you.

Damn doctors.

Richard, what are
you doing here?

It's almost 8:00. Ritchie's
gonna be late for school!

Oh, shoot, come on,
Ritchie, we got to get you
to school, little man.

Wait, I have to get
my tape recorder.
Okay.

What? Why does he need
a tape recorder?

Well, the last few weeks

he's been asking a lot
of questions about sex.



Why men and women
sleep together,

what their dirty parts do--
so I told him

I'd give him the sex talk
on the way to school,

and he wants to record it.

I wouldn't mind
getting a copy

of that tape
when you're done.

Wait, you're having
a sex talk with him?

I thought I was supposed
to have the sex talk with him.

No. You got to have
the body hair talk.

No, I had to have
the body hair talk

because he accidentally saw me
coming out of the shower.

And it was the
middle of winter.

Uh, I'm afraid I can no longer
be your doctor...

or your brother.

Look, Christine, I'm his dad.

A boy should hear about sex
from his dad.

I did.
And I never heard you complain.

Quite the opposite.

I have got to find
my medical school.

Lookit, I'm just saying
that there is a huge difference

between knowing how to do it
and knowing how to explain it.

All right? I mean, I must have
told you, like, a thousand times

how my menstrual cycle works.

You still could
never understand.

That is not true.

Okay, yeah,
explain it to me then.

(chuckles)
Well...

every 30 days, give or take,
a woman's body produces

about a hundred eggs,
more or less.

No, I'd say that's way less.

Like what, 50?

Well, no, let's go with a dozen.

Right. 'Cause they're eggs.

So...

if a man's sperm
makes its way upriver

and one gets through,
then you get a baby.

If not, the woman
gets her period.

And the period can last
for quite a long time.

In some cases, the entire
length of a marriage.

(laughing)

Okay.

I'm giving him the talk.

Hey, sweetheart, here's
your bookbag, okay?

Now, don't forget,

I'm picking you up
at 2:00 outside school.
Okay.

Okay, love, you have
a great day. Love ya.

Bye, Mom.
Bye, darling.

(laughs):
Yeah.

Let me tell you, I have plenty
of sexual complaints.

He used to work it like he was
scratching a lottery ticket.

And let me tell you, there were
no instant winners there.

Oh.

Hi. Sorry.

You forgot
Ritchie's lunch!

Oh, they're having a fight.
Oh, divorce is so ugly.

Divorce?
Look at her blouse.

Look at her hair.
Look at the back
of her hair.

Hey! I'm standing right here!

Look at her shoes.

Hey! I'm just trying
to bring my son his lunch.

Will you make sure
that he gets it?
Yeah, sure.

I got to run,
but I'll call you later

and we'll set up a time
I can come by the house.
Great.

Oh, and if my husband
answers, just hang up.

I like doing that to him.

Or if he answers, I'll
just use a foreign accent.

(European accent):
I'm looking for Lindsay.
Do not make me wait.

(laughing)

(laughing):
That is funny.

What-what, uh, what are you
going up to her house for?

Well, Lindsay has some
work she needs done.

She asked if
I'd be interested.

Yeah, I'm redoing
my master bath.

Because I just redid
my master bath.

That's not why. I don't
do everything you do.

I didn't get
my eyes done.
(gasps)

I didn't get my eyes done.

Really? Wink.

I could wink.

Richard, you're
renovating her bathroom?

Yeah. I'm a contractor;
that's what I do.

No, I know, but I mean,

shouldn't you interview
more people

before hiring some clod
off the street?

Hey, what are you doing?

No, no, I mean,
not you, but...

Oh! I just winked.

So, ha.

And now I can't
stop winking.

Yeah, you're not winking.

Am I winking now?

No. Nothing's moving.

Oh, no.
Okay, I'll drive you.

Okay. Yeah.
This way.

Hey...

why are you
sabotaging my work?

Why are you taking a job from
a parent at our kid's school?

They already hate us here.

She'll just be waiting
for an opportunity

for you to screw up.

They'll ostracize us even more.

I mean, seriously, Richard,
if something happens,

it doesn't just affect you,
it affects Ritchie, too!

Why would something happen?
I'm a good contractor.

(groans):
No, I know you're
a good contractor,

but if something were
to happen...

Nothing's gonna happen.

Look, Christine, I may
forget things sometimes,

and I may not know
how the egg gets

to the uterus and
brings on the flow...

but I know my job.

(sighs):
Okay, you're right.

Just please,
be extra careful, okay?

And for the record,
you don't get your period

just because your egg
is in the uterus, all right?

A lot of other stuff happens.

A lot.

You don't know,
either, do you?

I have a pretty good idea.

Hello?
Everybody decent?

Hey, Christine.
What are you guys doing here?

Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. We were
just doing errands.

We thought we'd drop by.

We brought you
your favorite smoothie:

raspberry-matazz
with extra rose hips.

That's right. I like rose hips.

I'm your boss.
Stop looking at me.

Wow, you've done all
of this in a week?

So this is...
pretty much on schedule, then?

Yeah, we're making
good progress.

Now not so much.

Look at these.

Are these the blueprints
or something?

They look so
complicated. Wow!

How do you figure out
all of these numbers

and these arrows
and everything?

Can you figure this out?

Christine,
what are you doing here?

Because I'm getting
the feeling you only
came by to check up on me.

Matthew, please!

Okay, I am checking up on you,
but only because it's Lindsay.

She's awful.
You don't know her like I do.

I mean, she went after my hair,
and I have great hair.

This isn't about Lindsay;
this is about me.

You think I'm gonna
screw the job up.

Well, I'm not.

Well, I just don't want
another dome house on our hands.

Are you bringing up
the dome house?

I really can't believe you're
bringing up the dome house.

Those were my parents' friends,
and you completely messed it up.

It was my first job;
it was 15 years ago!

They hired you to build
a dome house,

but it wasn't a dome.

It was like something
out of a Dr. Seuss book.

I kept waiting
for the Lorax to jump out.

"Come on in to my home.

It's not a house.
It's not a dome!"

There were some problems
with the plans.

I fixed it as best I could.

Besides, they were crazy.
They wanted to live in a dome.

You know who lives in a dome?
Eskimos and nobody.

It cost us every penny
that we saved to fix that thing.

And you didn't get work
for six months after that.

And my parents never got to go

to Lake Shasta
with the Hallorans again.

They love that houseboat.

Do you have any idea
how much my dad loves

peeing off the side of things?!

I'm not having
this conversation again.

Look, Christine, I appreciate
the total lack of faith,

but believe it or not,
I know a little bit more
about this than you do.

And right now I have
to run to Home Depot,
and you need to leave.

What's Home Depot?

What? Home Depot.

Home Depot.

Home Depot.
Is he messing with me?

No, he doesn't
know what it is.

It's the biggest home
improvement store in the world.

It's the greatest place
on earth.

Can I go?

Don't you have a
class or something?

No, I can't find it.

Yeah, sure,
you can come along.

Will I need these?

Your parents should win a prize.

Yeah, come on.
Okay, you
know what?

Go ahead without me.
I got to use the bathroom.

Okay, but hurry up.

And I wish I didn't feel the
need to explain this to you,

but the toilet on the front
lawn is not connected.

You don't need to tell me that.

And thanks for telling me that.

Yeah, let's go with the
standing wash basin,
and I'll take it

in a walnut
if you got it.

I think we do.
Let me go check.

Thanks, Jesse.

Hey.
Hey.

Just want to look at
some shower systems.
Then we're good.

What's that?

Oh, that's an African violet.

They have a whole lawn and
garden section back there.

Th-There's a sprinkler
installation clinic

in half an hour.

Now, that is a
practical clinic.

Not like med school,

where it's all about
finding your classes.

What's the matter with you?

A flower? You're at Home Depot,
and you buy a flower?

Why are you yelling at me?

You're missing the whole
point of this place.

Look around.
There are amazing things here.

Fine, I'll browse
over there.

No. You don't browse.

You grab, you buy,
you build.

Okay! It's my first time.

Here, is this good?

A lightbulb-changing kit?

Well, it's not a flower.

Hey, I can use this to get the
jasmine to climb up my trellis.

Go ahead. Say "jasmine"
or "trellis" again.

I don't want to.

I can't believe
Christine came to my job.

How would she like it
if I went to her gym

and just hung out in
the women's locker room?

No, she would not like it.

I can tell you that
from experience.

She's so critical with me:

what I wear, how I drive,

what I can and can't
say to Ritchie.

She even picks
on the way I walk.

Well, you do walk
a little funny.

One leg's shorter than
the other. I can't help it.

I didn't know that.
That's okay.
I deal with it.

Oh, please, allow me.

Thank you so much.

It's looking pretty good now,
isn't it?

No. Go to the right
a little. To the right.

Yeah, there!

Yeah! You got it!

That thing's been on the roof
since New Year's.

That was a wild party!

And the last one
we invited Mom to.

Hey, look. It's my mom's bra.

Give me a buck,
I'll let you touch it.

You owe me a dollar.

What's wrong with you?

Lindsay fired me.

She did?
What happened?

Yeah. About an hour ago.

Oh, Richard!

This is terrible!

What did you do?

I married you 15 years ago.

What does that mean?

Think back, Christine.

Earlier today,
when you stopped by.

I left with Matthew,
and you stayed behind.

I did not use the toilet
on that lawn!

No. Not that.

Lindsay has nanny cams
all over the house,

and they record everything.

She...

She what?

You guys, tell me the truth.

Does my butt look big
in that movie?

(exhales)

What a time-saver.

This time,
it wasn't me.
It was you.

This is your fault.

Well, yes. I can see
how you might think

that this
is my fault.

Who else's fault
could it be?

Well, I'm not one
to point fingers, but...

Keep going.

That's right. You.

This was your fault.

You went through her stuff.

You stole her coat.
You took her pills.

I did not take her pills!

You ate her chips.

I ate her chips. Yes.

But I'm going to fix this.

I'm going to talk to Lindsay,
okay?

And she's going to have
to listen to me, too,

because I got stuff on her!

Half of those pills weren't
even prescribed to her,

and that is against the law!

You mean like breaking
and entering?

Well, I'm not a lawyer, but...

You're not going to talk
to anybody, okay?

I'll fix it.

Oh, boy.

And, from now on, you're going
to let me live my life

and make whatever mistakes
I'm going to make.

Oh, boy.

Maybe you should figure out
your own life

before you go messing
around in mine!

My life? My life is fine.

Oh, boy.

If this thing fits me,
I'm going to kill myself.

Ooh! What about this?

You think Richard
would like this?

Why are you buying
him a present?

Because you got him fired

or because you have no faith
in him?

I do have faith in him.

I just, you know,
I think he's kind of a dope.

He can't do anything right.

Have you see the way he walks?

Come here.
What?

Do you remember that first house
you and Richard bought,

right after you got married?

You remember that kitchen?

Oh, yeah! I hated it.

It was so small.

Always smelled
like grilled cheese.

Because you were always making
grilled cheese sandwiches.

Yeah. I know.

That part I liked.

I'm just saying.

Remember how
the faucets leaked,

and the refrigerator
made that sound,

and the oven didn't
have temperatures?

It was either
just on or off?

Yeah, and the floors
were all uneven.

I used to fall off the table

when Richard and I had sex
in there.

I'm just going to keep
going with my thing.

Because, you know,
guess what?

It's 15 years later,
and that kitchen
has been remodeled.

When did you see that kitchen?

No, the kitchen is Richard,
and he's been remodeled.

Now he's got custom
cherry cabinetry,

the double wall oven,
a wine cooler.

He does?

My house is a dump.

What I'm saying is,
once upon a time,
Richard was a screwup,

and he needed you
to set him straight,

but now he's changed;
he's a different guy,

and you got to stop
treating him like
the old kitchen.

I know. You're right.

I do think of him like that.

I don't even notice
his cherry cabinetry,

but he has changed.

We've all changed.

How have you changed?

I haven't changed.

Oh, good. You're here.

I got something for you.

It's from Home Depot.

It's a Raindance showerhead.

Apparently, it's like taking
a shower underneath a waterfall.

It's my gift to you.

Oop! Look.
I left the price tag on it.

Why are you giving this to me?

Because I feel so terrible
about getting you fired

and treating you
the way I did

and Matthew made me realize

you're not the same kitchen
you used to be.

You just said "kitchen."

I know.
Did you mean to say Richard?

No, no. It's a metaphor.

Why would I say you're not
the same Richard you used to be?

Oh, wait. That works, too.

What are you doing?

I just want to apologize for not
realizing that you've changed.

And I would really like it
if you would forgive me.

I already did.

No. I mean, for real.

Come on. Forgive me. I feel bad.

I know. And I forgive you.

Richard,
why aren't you letting this go?

I have. It's gone.

Oh, I see what
you're doing. Okay.

So you're going to say
you forgive me,

and then you're going
to hang onto this until, like,

ten years from now, you're going
to throw it back in my face.

Why would I do that?

'Cause everybody does that.

I don't. You do that.

Your mother does that.

(sniffing)

Are you wearing her perfume?

No. I'm wearing her bra.

Christine, isn't it hard
to hang onto every wrong

that's ever
been done to you?

It's exhausting.

Then don't.

Everyone makes mistakes,

and life is too short
to hang onto all of them.

Yeah. I do hang onto everything,
and it's awful.

You're right. I'm going to try
and do it your way.

From now on, I'm going to let go
of all my resentments.

I am. Yeah.

That is my gift to you.

So, I'm...

Guess I'm just going
to go ahead and keep

the showerhead for myself.

You're letting it all go?

I am.

Even the dome house?

Even the dome house.

Even though we lost
all our money?

Don't care.

That's very big of you.
Yeah.

Especially considering we had to
borrow money from your parents

and spend every Thanksgiving
with them

until we paid it off.

Remember that?

Yeah.

Two Thanksgivings left,

and then...

we...

are...

done.

And you're not mad
at me anymore?

Nope. I've let it all go. Gone.

I've let it all... go.

What's happening?

No, I just... I just feel
a little bit light-headed.

It's a lot to let go of
for me in one day.

Do you want to hold on
to the dome house, sweetie?

Could I?

Yeah. Sure.

Okay, but then I'm letting
everything else go.

And that is my gift to you.

Thank you.

Hey, remember when
I cashed in our IRA

and bought
that drive-in?

And when I lost my wedding ring
at my high school reunion

because I didn't
want Brenda Douglas

to know I was married?

Okay.

I'm going to have
to go let it go in my room.

Remember when I found that
cheap obstetrician in the mall?

That was a bad day, huh?

(door closes)

(sobbing)

(wailing)

(continues wailing)