The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Real Thing - full transcript

(typing)
(laughing)

(continues laughing)

What? What's so funny?

Oh, that's not the
cowboy squirrel, is it?

I hate that thing.

God, I had, like, 40 people
send it to me.

No, I'm doing something else.

Oh, do you want to see it?
It's hilarious.

The squirrel is riding
this little dachshund.
No, no, no.

I'm doing something,
I'm doing something.

Barb was making fun of
my relationship with Mr. Harris.



Wow, that's not nice.

You don't make fun of a crazy
person's imaginary friends.

So anyway, as a joke,

I'm doctoring up this e-mail
from Mr. Harris

about some stupid parking thing
at the school.

I'm making it dirty for Barb.

(laughing)

Wow, you have time for this,
but you've been driving

with an expired driver's
license for over a month?

Okay, look, I'm gonna tell you

what I told the police officer
yesterday.

I am waiting
for my bangs to grow out

so I can take a cute picture.

Okay, come here, come here,
listen to this, listen, listen.



So, see here?
It says, "As of Monday the 14th,

"I am designating the white zone

for dropping off
students only," right?

I change it to...

(laughing):
"As of... As of Monday the 14th,

"I am designating
Christine's house

for dropping my pants only."

(laughing)

Oh, that's sexy.

You really don't know
anymore, do you?

No.

Hey.
Hey.

I just came by to
get my checkbook.

You didn't
see it, did you?

Uh, I think I saw it
bouncing on Ritchie's desk.

Thanks.

Christine, you
remember Tom.

Hey, Christine.

Hey, long time no see.
How's it hanging?

Try not to be sucked in
by her charm.

You and Richard are working
together again, Todd?

Yeah, yeah, we are.

You know that old firehouse
in Culver City?

Oh, yeah, I love that building.

Yeah, tearing it down.
It's gonna be a Trader Joe's.

Oh, I love Trader Joe's.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you look good, Todd.

Why, thank you, thanks.

You know, I've been, uh,
keeping my beard

a little shorter these days,

Oh.
and I get this, uh,

this moisturizer for my face,

which is, uh... boring.

Oh, no.
You look good.

Oh, well, I don't know
about "stunning."

I don't think
I said "stunning."

(laughs):
Oh, thank you!

Uh, so anyway, are you, uh,
seeing anybody these days?

Uh, well, you know, sort of.

N... Uh, no.

You know, it's complicated.

Oh, I understand--
I just got out of complicated.

Or actually, my lawyers
just got me out of complicated.

(laughs):
Uh-huh.

Anyway, now I'm,
uh, single.

Single, wildly successful
architect with a short beard

and moist skin.
(laughs)

Okay.

So, what do you think? Maybe we
could grab dinner sometime.

Oh, eh, dinner?

Um, well, I'll, um...

Okay, I got it.
You ready?

Yeah. Just a sec.
What do you think?

maybe this week
or next week or, uh...

really any day except
for, uh, Memorial Day,

'cause my folks have
a big barbecue on Mem...

Hey, would you like to go
to a barbecue?

Wait. Wait.
Hmm?

What's happening?

I'm just asking your
ex-wife out on a date.

Is that weird for you?

A little, yeah.

Oh. Well, then
go wait in the truck.

Um, you
know what?

Oh, Todd, you know what, I
really, I can't go out with you.

I'm not really doing that
right now,

but thank you so much
for asking.

Oh.
That's so nice. Thank you.

Okay, okay.
Well, if you change your mind,

I'd love to take you out
to a nice, you know,

a really nice restaurant.

I mean, I have
a brand-new Saab convertible.

Oh.
I'm thinking about getting a...

a poodle-- you know,
not the girly kind.

Not the girly...
I mean, the giant kind.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I don't know if any of this

is of interest to you,
but I'm just gonna

throw it all out there
and see if anything...

you know.
Okay, well,
you know what?

Um... I don't know,
maybe some other time,

you know,
when my bangs grow out.

Uh-huh. Gosh, I have
no idea what that means,

but thanks anyway.
'Kay. All right.

All right.

Don't be upset.

You dodged a bullet.
CHRISTINE:
Yeah.

Hey, the man knows.

Hey, you want me to read this
to you before I send it to Barb?

(laughing):
It's so funny.

Wha... What election
are you talking about?

Oh.

That's supposed
to be an "R." Thanks.

Hmm. Uh, did you
mean to do that?

What?
Uh, you hit "reply all."

Uh...

What is that?

Uh, well, you sent it
to all the parents

that Mr. Harris sent it
to, and to Mr. Harris.

Oh...

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, unsend, unsend.

No, no, you just sent
it ag... and again
and again and again.

Make this stop. Make it stop.

You got to stop
hitting that button.
Oh, God! Oh, my God!

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no...

(gasps)

Good, you got it
just before it reached the wall.

(exhales):
Oh...

Okay, you know what?
I got to run.

I'll pick you up
after school, okay?

But I don't have any milk money.

Just take it from
a smaller kid, okay?

I got to get out of here.

Go, go.

(gasps):
Oh, damn it!

Hello, Christine.

Okay, first of all,
let me just say,

that e-mail was a
complete joke, all right?

So let's just drop it.

Well, we'd love to,
but somehow Ms. Hammond

came across your e-mail,
and now she wants to see you.

Ms. Hammond?
The gym teacher?

And head of
the ethics committee.

No, no, I thought
Mr. Saunders was head
of the ethics committee.

Yeah, he had to step down.
Why?

Well, it's not an
appropriate conversation
for the school yard.

You know... wah, wah,

ah-ah-ah-ah...
That's enough.

How did Coach Hammond
get my e-mail?

Oh, I sent it to her.

See, I have children at
this school, Christine,

and if they find
out about this,

they might have
difficult questions,

and then they might bring
those questions to me.

And I like to keep
my nights free.
Yeah.

(loud inhaling)

(quietly):
Daniel, I am so

sorry about this.
No talking, please.

This is my time.

Sorry.

You're not gonna make us
run laps, are ya?

Sorry.

You think this is funny,
Mrs. Campbell?

You think it's funny
that a parent at this school
has been caught

having a completely
inappropriate relationship with

a member of
the faculty?

A relationship
of a sexual nature?

You think that's funny?

(suppressing laugh):
No.

You're in deep custard here,
Mrs. Campbell.

Really, you might want
to pull yourself together.

Mm. It's just, uh, you're right,
it's-it's not funny.

I just have a history
of inappropriate reactions

to, um....

(laughing):
authority figures.

This is a very serious matter.

I suggest you get your berries
back in the basket.

(laughing):
Oh...

Sorry.

Mm-hmm. Mm.

The e-mail was meant
to be a joke, Coach Hammond.

I knew that, and I didn't
take it seriously at all.

Yeah, I was supposed to
send it to my friend Barb--

we send each other funny
e-mails all the time--

and this was supposed
to be funny,

and then it got...
sexy, so...

And dangerous-- I don't think
you're understanding

the seriousness
of the situation.

You are on hot skittles
here, lady.

I am so sorry.

And, as I'm sure
both of you know,

Westbridge has
a very strict policy

against faculty-parent
relationships.

And for good reason--
what do you think would happen

if I took up with every parent
that hit on me?

(brief laugh)

(fake coughing)

I wear shorts year-round,
Mr. Harris.

You know, I'm telling
you, that e-mail

was supposed to be a joke.

It could get Mr. Harris fired.

Not so funny now, is it?

You were saying?

Uh, well, I was saying
that Mr. Harris and I

do not have a relationship.

Is that true, Mr. Harris?

Absolutely.
See?

In fact, I'm seeing someone.

What?

Well, it's only been
for a couple of weeks.

Ah.

Well, so that's, uh...

(clears throat):
Congratulations... to you.

Uh... so, you see that?

And, you know, I mean,
there's no possibility

of us having a relationship,
because Mr. Harris is in love.

Christine, I'm not...

All right.

Consider this a warning.

But you can be sure I'll
have my eye on both of you.

Especially you, Mr. Harris.

Well, I better go.

Yeah. I should be
getting back to class.

I'll walk with you.
Oh, no, that's not necessary.

I am perfectly capable
of walking alone.

Have a, uh, nice day,
Mr. Harris.

I can't believe
he's seeing someone--

for a couple of weeks!

That means he was seeing someone

when I Google-mapped
his home address.

Oh, by the way, I looked up
the comps in that area.

He bought that place
at the right time.

How could he give up the chance

to be with a nice stalker
like you?

S-So you can't send an e-mail,

but you can Google-map
and run real estate comps?

I made Ritchie do it.

Anyway, you were right,
all right?

I'm completely alone
in this relationship.

I mean, while I was busy
pining for him,

he was busy
getting on with his life.

Oh, I am so embarrassed.

Well...

I've tried everything.

For some reason, Tom still
wants to go out with you.

Who?

An architect
friend of mine.

I've known him
ten years,

and, God knows why, he's always
had a crush on Christine.

What do you mean,
"God knows why"?

Look at me.

I tried talking
him out of it.

I told him
she was high-maintenance,

that she never lets go
of a grudge-- he didn't care.

He thinks she's sweet
on the inside.

I even took out
Ritchie's birth video

and showed him what she's like
on the inside.

What?

Richard, you don't
show people my birth video.

I thought
it would end his crush.

Even I've never seen
the birth video,

and I've seen terrible things.

So, what do you want me
to tell him?

You want to go out
with him or not?

I don't think so.

Does he make good money?

More money than me.

That wasn't my question.

Yeah, he makes good money.

Is he smart?
He's smarter than me.

Yeah, he's smart.

She'll go out with him.

What? Barb, it's not
your decision to make.

Look, he's a real man with
a real interest in you.

You got to stop using these
fantasy relationships

to avoid the real thing.

(sighs):
I know. You're right.

All right, you can tell him
I'll go out with him.

But tell him I'm on the rebound.

Pretend rebound.

And tell him I
don't put out.

Pretend don't-put-out.

* Hey... *

Ah, this is great.
Yeah.

This is so great.
You know what?

I have wanted to go out with you
for five years.

Oh, wow. Oh.

You know, in fact,

when you and Richard
were still together,

I used to secretly hope
you'd get a divorce.

Me, too.

(laughing)

You know what, I once even
Google-mapped your house.

Oh. Ah...

Todd, a little stalkery.

I know, I know,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Please, call me Tom.

Why?

Oh, because it's my name.

But I've been calling you Todd
for five years.

I know, I know, I know.

I thought about
changing it for you.

But I didn't.
Not so stalkery after all.

No.
(chuckling)

(chuckling):
Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I just...

my stomach's a little, uh...

it's just lately
it's been, uh...

You know what, I think
I'm just gonna have to...

I'm going to go
use the, uh...

You know, I'm just...
excuse me.

Oh.

Do you want me
to order us a drink?

You know what,
maybe some bubble water.

Okay? And please...
please don't leave.

Christine.

Hi.

Daniel.

Oh, hi. You're here?

Yeah, this is one
of my favorite restaurants.

I live right around the corner.

Oh, right, on Cloverdale.

Or...

you know, thereabouts.

I mean, I don't know.

Hey, I, uh...

I feel so terrible
about that e-mail.

It was so immature.

I didn't mean to get you
in trouble.

Ah, I don't think
we're in trouble.

Seemed to have gotten our
berries back in the basket.

(chuckling)

So, what are you
doing here,

you picking up
some takeout?

Actually,
I'm meeting my date.

Oh, right.

You're in love.

Yeah, well, I'm here
on a date, too.

Really?

Do you see him there right now?

Oh, no.

No, no, no,
he's in the restroom.

Oh.
Yeah.

Well, enjoy your evening.

Okay. You, too.

Okay.

I really don't think
I want to be seeing this.

Am I going to throw up?

No. It's beautiful.

It's the miracle of life.

And it's tastefully shot.

You won't see anything bad.

(panting, grunting on TV)

Oh!
Aah!

Except that.

(grunting on TV)
Aah!
Aah!

And that.

Wait, hold on, I'm trying
to get my bearings.

That's Christine,
that's the doctor...

What is that?!

Do I have one of those?

Is that Ritchie?

No, no, you don't see Ritchie
for another two hours.

Well, now I've
seen everything.

(loud grunting on TV)

Oop. Nope.
There's everything.

Hey...

sorry about that.

That's okay.

Everything okay?

Yeah, everything's good.

It was a, uh... false alarm.

Would you like to,
you know,

I don't know,
do this another time?

No, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.

No, I'm just gonna... I'm going
to power through this.

I've been waiting...

I have been waiting five years
for tonight.

Nothing is going to ruin
this evening.

Oh, I hope
you don't mind,

I ordered
some appetizers.

WAITER:
Spicy prawns
with peanut sauce

and cream cheese
wantons.

Enjoy.
Thank you.

Doesn't that smell so good?

You know, I'm going to have
to be right back.

Is everything okay?

Oh, it's great, great.
Super.

Having the best time
of my life, really.

You know what, I'd love
to hear more about Ritchie.

Hey.

Hey.

How's your date going?

Good. I think he has diarrhea.

You want a prawn?

I think I'm good.

But way to sell 'em.

You want to sit down?

Oh, yeah, might as well.

Where's your date?

I might be
getting stood up.

Oh, yeah, right.

Women don't stand you up.

What, do you think
dating is easy for me?

Well, if I looked like you
I'd just date myself.

Yeah, well, I tried that
in junior high school,

but we had to break up
when my mom

took the door off my bedroom.

(laughs)

Yeah.
Now, who is this guy?

Oh, I've known him forever.

Todd.

Er, uh, Tom, I guess.

Yeah, my ex
fixed me up with him.

You know, my friends
and my family

think that I have to stop having

imaginary relationships
with unattainable men.

Who have you been having
an imaginary relationship with?

Taylor Hicks.

So, what about, uh...
what about your date?

What is she like?

She's nice. It's still early.

Yeah. She pretty?

Kind of.

She was Miss Maryland.

Oh.

Maryland.

It's a small state.

Hey.

Christine, I'm just going
to have to...

nip over to the drug store
for just a minute.

But I'll be back.
I'll be back right away.

Oh. Well, let me go with you.

No, no, no, no.
Under no circumstances

do I want you to come with me
for this.

Besides, you've found a...

super handsome guy to talk to.

That's...
the evening's going

pretty much exactly
as I had planned.

Please don't leave.

Wow.

He's quick.
Yeah.

And he's getting a giant poodle.

Hey.

I am sorry that you
found out

about me dating
the way you did.

I would have told you myself,
but it just seemed

sort of presumptuous.

I didn't think you'd even care.

I don't. I don't.

And you don't owe me anything.

I mean, I hardly even know you.

Well, what would you
like to know?

(guttural screaming on TV)

(loud primal screaming)

(screaming continues)

I thought of it as payback
for all the times

she used to hit me
with her slipper.

(laughing)

Okay, okay, I've been...
I've been talking all night.

Tell me something else
about you.

Oh, you know everything.

Single mom.
Own my own business.

Miss Universe.

Ooh.

What? What's the matter?

Oh...
I'm just doing it again.

What?

Well, I mean, you know,
we're sitting here and talking

and laughing and getting
to know each other.

But, obviously, you're waiting
for your real date to arrive

and my brain is just turning
this into something else.

What?
Daniel.

Regina.

Hey.

I'm so sorry.
I got called back into surgery.

Oh, are you all right?

I'm a doctor.

Oh.

Regina, I'd like you
to meet Christine Campbell.

She's a mother
at the school.
Oh.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

Hi.

Did you eat already?
A little, yeah.

Oh, that's fine.

I'll grab something
at the movies.

Let me catch the valet
before he takes my car.

Nice to meet you, Christine.

Oh... Feel better.

I guess I have a date.

Yeah, guess you do.

Well, you know,
try and have fun with...

Dr. Beautiful.

And you enjoy Todd.

Or is it Tom?

I don't know.

And by the way,

the only reason I'm
going out with her

is so I can stop
thinking about you.

Oh.

Well...

I am fine.

Whatever it was, it
seems to have passed,

thanks to a...

very delightful pharmacist
and, uh...

a great deal of luck.

So, what do you say,
why don't we start over?

(sighs relief):
What looks good?

No wonder she pees
when she sneezes.

I'm never going to be able
to look at her again.

I'm never going to be able
to eat veal parmesan again.