The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 17 - Strange Bedfellows - full transcript

Excuse me, ma'am, may I
talk to you for a minute?

Sure.
No, sweetie.

We don't have
any change.

I have change.
No, sweetie.

I'm not asking
for money.

I want to talk to you about
the upcoming special election.

Are you a registered voter?

Uh-huh.
Cool it.

You know what?

Can we do this
on the way out?

I'm not blowing you off.



I really do believe that
it is our responsibility

to make informed decisions
about our legislature.

Okay.

No, really.
I mean it.

I'm not one of those kind of
people who just says that.

I'm involved.
I'm a concerned citizen.

Right, sweetie?

Okay.
Okay.

I'll see you
in a minute.

You ready?

What are we doing?

Just hold on.

Ah!

It was so cool.



We just went flying
out of there.

We ran right over
his foot.

Nice example you're
setting for our son.

Yeah.

Hey, what is going on with you
and all this backtalk?

I don't know,
I think I'm changing.

All right, well,
go change in your room.

Start your homework.

I am setting a good
example for Ritchie.

I did not talk to that guy

because I already know
who I'm voting for.

I didn't want to waste his time.

That gives him a chance
to talk to people

who are ignorant on the issues.

Who's more ignorant than you?

I happen to be very
politically informed.

You know, sending Jon Stewart
pictures of yourself

in a bikini doesn't make you
politically informed.

So who are you voting for?

The handsome guy...

with the yellow lab,
a little stubble, sparkly eyes.

You're pathetic.

Oh, yeah, who are you
voting for?

The guy who used to play
for the Lakers...

with the hot wife.

And I'm pathetic.

Plus, his voting record
as an assemblyman impressed me

and he had some really
great ideas

about the redistricting
proposals.

That's right.

Hey, listen, you know what?

I set a fine example
for Ritchie, all right?

I drive a Prius.

I burn soy candles.

I've got a black friend.

I mean, what more
could I possibly do?

Read a book.

I read Jon Stewart's book.

All right, I'm going to go
check on what's-his-face.

Anybody want more coffee?

I'll take a little.

Oh.

(laughing)

You guys kissed.

(chuckling)

No, we did not.

What was that?

What?

That. Just now.

You two just looked at
each other.

No.

Yes.

I said you kissed and
you looked at each other.

It was weird.

And this right now,

me telling you
and you denying it,

that's weird, too.

Nothing's weird.
You're making it weird.

It wasn't weird before
you started saying weird.

You're just crazy.
And you're weird.

Oh, my God,
you guys are doing it.

We're not doing it.

I'm married to Pete

and I'm not even
doing it with him.

Well, something's
going on.

And you'd better
tell me what,

otherwise I'm telling everyone
you're doing it.

You'd better tell him.

Oh, my God!

There's something to tell.

I was totally bluffing.

Quiet, jackass.

There was one time...

we made out.

It was ten years ago.
I was home from college.

It was before Barb
was married.

This is huge.

I can't believe it.

How was it?

Okay.
Fantastic.

I can't believe Christine
never told me.

Christine doesn't know.

Yeah, we didn't
tell her at the time.

We thought she'd freak out.

Why?

Because back then

it would've
been too weird.

And now that we've
been lying about it

for ten years,
now it's too late.

Yeah, and you
can't tell her.

Hmm.

I don't know
what's going to stop me.

Hmm.

I'll give you a hint.

Ow!

Oh, God.

He's so good!

How can Simon say
he's not a star?

Simon's always right.
I don't like him, either.

Not a star.

What? He grew up in
hard-times Mississippi.

He had to take care
of his entire family.

How can you not be
rooting for him?

He's never going
to make it.

Look, Paula's
not even crying.

Hey.
Hey.

Did you vote?

What? No.

You can't vote until they're
done singing, you dumbass.

I'm talking about the election,
you dumbass.

Oh.

Was that today?

Oh, crap.

It's not too late.
If you leave now,

you can probably get there
before the polls close.

But Idol.

TiVo it.

No, I can't.
It's broken.

We're watching this live,
like animals.

If I go now, I'll miss the end.

What'd I miss?

Your mom forgot to vote.

Don't tell him that.

I was going to vote, sweetie,

but then I lost track of time

and now it's too late.

You still have 15 minutes.

Don't tell him that.

Why aren't you
going to vote?

Because...

I am.

I'm going to vote.
Come on, let's go vote.

But Idol.
No, forget it.

This is important.

This is a sacred privilege.

We must not be take it
for granted.

We got to hurry up
and get back

before that gay
married guy comes on.

I love him.

Matthew, where do I vote?

Oh, dude, it's really easy.

You go to the end
of our street and...

Okay, you know what,
you talk too slow.

Come on, you're taking me.

But Idol.

No! Come on,
you're taking me.

Come on.
Come on.

Did you want to go
with your boyfriend or...

Come on,
I'm just teasing.

It's funny.

Just kidding around.

Okay, since you're obviously
going to be an idiot about this,

I'm going to need some insurance

that you're not
going to tell Christine.

What do you mean?

You need to tell me a secret
of yours.

So that way if you
tell Christine our secret,

we'll tell yours.

And it has to be
something embarrassing.

How about...

I'm afraid of you?

That's no secret.

(chuckles)

Oh! All right,
you're still open.

We made it.

We are here to vote.

Name?
Christine Campbell.

This is my son Ritchie.

He's very interested
in how democracy works.

Can I watch your TV?

No.

Shoot.

I don't see you on the list.

Really? Campbell.

437 Myrtle Street.

It's a cottage-y house
with the wood shingles,

Christmas tree
on the curb.

Hey, do you know
who we call

to pick that up
because...

You know what?

We'll take care of that.

It's probably
not your department.

You're not registered here.

When was the last time
you voted?

I don't believe that

you are allowed to
ask me that question

within 50 feet
of a polling place.

Matthew, do you want
to do something?

Me? What can I
possibly do?

You're useless.
Come on.

I know that this
is my place.

I've been here before.

I remember the smell.

Are you sure that
I'm not on that list?

Oh, Christine.

You can't even
get on this list?

Why are you voting
in my neighborhood?

We claim residency in some of
the poorer sections of town.

Some tax thing.

I think we own the liquor
store down the street.

Oh. I love that
liquor store.

Thank you.

Can we move this along?

We're going to miss
the gay married guy.

Oh, you have a date?

No, it's Idol.

You know, I don't
have time for this.

You know, we
should go, too.

We left the housekeepers
in the car watching Shrek.

Isn't there something
that I can do?

Maybe vote now and
register tomorrow?

No, it's too late.

The polls are closing
as of right...

now.

No, no, no,
but I need to vote.

My son needs
to see me vote.

Wait! My son.
Ritchie! Ritchie!

Okay, so.

That's voting.
Do you have any questions?

No.
That was scary.

Yeah, okay, let's go.

Well, Ritchie's doing okay.

Luckily, he was distracted

by all those old vacuums
in that lady's garage.

Yeah, what was that about?

I mean, are they
building something?

I feel like we should
call someone.

What happened to me,
Matthew?

I used to be
so politically active.

I used to have
a social conscience.

I used to care about things

that were bigger
than American Idol.

Like when you cared
about Amazing Race?

Before that.

Oh, when you cared
about Survivor?

Before that.

You know, I used to care
about the world around me.

I was involved, you know.

Don't you remember in college
I was so active.

Oh, you were very active.

I remember three
pregnancy scares

and a lot of antibiotics.

I loved college.

I used to go to rallies,

I used to go to
Take Back The Night marches.

Remember that bus trip I took
to Washington, D.C.?

I remember when
you found out

you had to use the
bathroom on the bus,

you made them drop
you off in Barstow.

No, no, but then there was

that creepy guy in the tights
at the rest stop,

so I got back on the bus
and I went to D.C.

I had a very edifying weekend,
you know.

Have you ever been
to our nation's capitol?

Well, the summer I worked
as a congressional page.

Okay!

Does everything have to be
a competition with you?

I mean, the point is
that after that trip,

I became really involved
in campus politics.

I started
the Young Democrats Club,

I slept that guy
who made the campaign buttons.

It felt good.

You know, I need to be a better
role model for Ritchie.

I do.
I mean, what does it say

that his mother can't even
name our senators?

Well, it'd probably be more
damaging for him to know

there's a chance his real father
is some guy

who make buttons.

Such a small chance.

You know, that's it.

I'm going to do something.

I'm going to volunteer.

Oh, hey, is Bill Clinton
running for anything?

No.

(groans)

What else can I do?

Stop sharing the details
of your filthy past,

make me dinner,
clean the house.

Yeah, I'll think
of something.

Hi, I'm collecting
signatures to...

Oh. Go on in. I know.

You prefer to do
your crippling
on the way out.

Sorry about that,
but I'm interested now.

I see your T-shirt
says "Save The Planet."

And I compost.

Well, I haven't actually
gotten the composter yet,

but I've got a black friend.

Well, we're trying
to collect signatures.

I'm in.
Do you want to hear what for?

Definitely.
We want to tell

our representatives in Congress
that we are opposed...

Very opposed.

...to expanding unregulated
offshore drilling

along the California...

Border.

...coast.

Better. Yeah. Go on.

That's it. That's the cause.

Oh. I'm in.

Great.

There you go.
Thanks.

Sure.

Wow! You know, I was wondering.

Do you guys need any volunteers?

Because I would be so happy
to do my part.

Well, we could always
use some help
collecting signatures.

Oh. Great.
Oh, yes, I could do that.

I can be very persuasive.

Once, I convinced my gym teacher

that I had my period every day
for an entire semester.

You know,
we don't need to be friends.

We can just work together.

Come on.
You've had all day.

What's your secret?

All right.

How about this?

When I was a junior
in high school,

there was this super hot
math teacher.

She was unbelievable.

All the guys
had total crushes on her.

And, one day, she asked me
to stay after class,

and she propositioned me.

Okay, that's the
opposite of a secret.

Um, that's bragging.

And probably lying.

Yeah.

Well, I'm doing it.

I'm changing the world,

one "regulated coastal
use claim" at a time.

Someone let you
volunteer for them?

Yup. I'm an activist.
Check it out.

I've just got to read this crap,

and stretch out the neck
on this T-shirt,

and I'm going
to hit the streets.

I start at 3:00. Hey, listen.

When you pick Ritchie up at
school, bring him by the market.

He can see his mom being a hero.

I've got to go change.

This underwire is stabbing me
in the pit.

Hey, you keep this up,

they're going to put your face
on a quarter.

Yeah.

Okay, come on. Stop stalling.

We need something embarrassing.

You've got to have plenty
to choose from.

You used to wear
a feathered earring.

Okay. Here's something
I've never told anyone.

I guess
it's a little embarrassing.

I was on the wrestling team
in high school.

And, one weekend, we were
initiating the new members...

So it's printed name,
signature and address.

Make sure it's all legible.
Do you have any questions?

Oh, yeah, just one.

Who makes your buttons?

It's not a guy named Larry,
is it?

Big hair? Drives a VW Rabbit?

I don't know.

Okay. Well, just had to ask.

Just get as many
signatures as you can,

and I'll be back in
a couple of hours
to check on you.

Wait.

Wait.
What if there's an emergency?

Here's an extra pen.

Thank you.

Okay. Oh, here we go.

Hi. I'm Christine.

I'm collecting signatures
for a very worthy cause.

Well, maybe on the way out.

That would be fine with me.

Hi. I'm working
to save the environment.

I mean, not by myself.
That would be dumb.

But I'm just... okay.

Oh, hi. I'm working
to save the environment.

Save the environment.

Save the friggin' environment!

Hi. I see you.

I see you! I see you! I see you!

Hey, Chief. What's going on?

Oh, thank you. Huh, finally,
somebody with a conscience.

I'm collecting signatures.

We want to send a message
to our representatives

to stop unregulated oil drilling
off of the California coast.

Oh, really?
That's funny.

Because I want to send
the opposite message,

along with the
68 registered voters
who signed my petition.

I'm not even counting the guy
who signed it "Hugh Jass".

Oh, that's funny.

Wait a minute.
You're against the initiative?

How could anybody
be against the initiative?

I suppose you're against babies
and bunnies and rainbows, too.

Oh, that's so typical
of your side.

Taking real issues
and distorting it
with personal attacks.

So why don't you just
go home now, shorty.

I am not going to go home...

tall.

God! I mean, you know what?

For the first time
in a very long time,

I care about something.

And, when I care about
something, I fight for it.

Like... like, in here,
you know,

they used to not let you
buy four eggs at a time,

but I fought back, and now

you can divide up your cartons
any way you want.

Wow. That was you?

Yeah.

I come in here every day
and buy a single egg,

and I've always wondered,
"Who can I thank for this?"

Oh. Me.

I'm mocking you, dork.

Hey, enough
with the nicknames... tall.

God! You know, you can make fun
of me all you want,

but I am not going anywhere.

Oh, neither am I.

Hi. I'm trying
to save the environment.

It's a scam.

She's trying to steal
your identity.

You want to fight dirty?
I can fight dirty.

I'm filthy.
Just ask my brother.

What?

You've heard
of people doing that before.

I haven't even heard of farm
animals doing that before.

It was the wrestling team.

We were a bunch of young guys.

Don't be so freaked out.

I'm more than freaked out.

I think I'm going
to call the police.

Oh! No... Okay, uh...
Just keep moving, Hortensia.

Hey, Marlee! Lindsay!

You guys...
Hey! I see you.

Oh, Christine. Hello.

So what now? Are you
on strike or something?

Did we cross your picket line?

We don't want any trouble.

No. I don't work here.

I'm collecting signatures
to pass a bill

that would help
protect the environment.

The environment?

Oh, Christine,
let it go.

Let it go?

No, I'm talking about the Earth.
Our planet.

The world that
we're leaving our children.

Oh, come on.

You're being a
little dramatic,
don't you think?

Yeah. The scientists
will fix everything.

It'll be fine.

Look. You two
are signing this petition.

Either because
it's the right thing to do

or because, if you don't,

I'm going to tell everyone that
you vote in my neighborhood.

Go ahead.

And that you asked me
where I bought my purse.

No! We'll sign it.

Okay. And that's
two more signatures.

Thank you, ladies.

Hortensia, are you a citizen?

No? Okay.

Would you like to...?

All right. That's fine.

All right. Thank you
very much, Whitey.

Whitney.

Oh! Whitney. Oh, yeah.
That's better. Yeah.

Pretty.

Well, I did it!

I got all my pages.

Right there, baby.

And they are on their way.

Tough luck, Gigantor.

How long did it take you
to think that one up?

I worked through lunch.

You're ridiculous.

Oh, yeah. And you're just mad
because the good guys won.

Good guys? How
do you figure?

We're putting an end
to unregulated oil drilling.

Your entire campaign is
sponsored by the oil companies.

Didn't you
even read it?

I read my T-shirt.

Do the Earth
a favor, honey,

Limit your voting
to American Idol.

American... What is that?

Damn it!

but you understand how
the voting process works now?

Yeah. I just call the number
of the person I want to win.

Yeah. And the great this is,

there's none of this
"one person, one vote" nonsense.

I mean, you can vote
for your contestant

as many times
as your finger holds out.

It's a great example
of democracy.

So, who are you going
to vote for?

The army guy.
No, no, no. He's no good.

Okay. I guess
I'll vote for Monique.

And you just lost your vote.

'Cause, you know,
as our forefathers said,

"With great power
comes great responsibility."

Spiderman's uncle said that.

Yeah. And he got it
from the forefathers.

That's enough about politics.
Let's watch Idol.