The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 16 - Undercover Brother - full transcript

Okay, I'm getting
the Burnt Brown Sugar,

you get the
Peach Caramel

and we'll give
each other bites.

No, I'm not doing that.
You take giant bites.

I can't help it.
I have a huge mandible.

I had six wisdom teeth.

That's ironic.

I know, right?

Hey.
Hey!

You know, there's
a donut place
with no lines

right around
the corner.



Why do we have
to stand here
for an hour?

You'll understand
when you taste it.

And by the way, you're getting
mocha cream cheese

and you're giving me a bite.

Not with that mandible.

Hey, no cuts.

Oh, it's okay.
We're saving their place.

Tough luck. No save-sies.

Oh, come on.
They're friends of mine.

And if you let them in,
you can be my friend, too.

(chuckles):
No.

I'd really appreciate it.

Ah, sure. Why not?

What the hell?



Don't' worry about it.
It happens all the time.

She's a really good flirter.

God, what's going on
with me lately?

I'm getting nothing.

I mean, no one's looking at me
at stoplights,

no one's hitting on me
at the supermarket.

Got home from the bank
the other day,

and then I had an entire boob
hanging out.

No one noticed.

My good one, too.

That one?

No, that one.

It's so depressing.

It's like I've lost my mojo.

You know, I think they might
have mojo replacement therapy

for women you're age.

How long is this
going to take?

I have to pick up Joe
at the airport in an hour.

Oh, your brother's coming
to town?

I love Joe.

Yeah, everyone does.

He's sweet
and charming
and gorgeous.

Like his brother.

Yeah, kind of like that.

(sardonic laugh)

I'd be mad,
but you're right.

He really is awesome.

In high school, he dated
three girls at the same time,

and when they found out,
they didn't care.

because even a third of Joe
was better

than a whole of any another man.

I don't love that phrasing.

You're going to love him,

but not too much, okay?

Don't worry.

You're the only Campbell I love,
except for Glen.

My mom always listened to him
growing up.

Hey, is he still seeing
that girl?

I don't know.
Is he even alive?

No, not Glen Campbell,
your brother.

Oh, no, he said
that didn't work out.

Man, that guy goes through
women like I go through...

less-attractive women.

Hi, sorry about the wait.

Here's a little
sample of our newest
cupcake flavor,

pineapple-vanilla custard.

Mm, why am I not always eating
pineapple-vanilla custard?

This is the best thing I have
ever had in my mouth. Mmm!

What's the big deal
about a cup...?

A-a-ah...

ha-a-ahh!

Don't you think
it's a little sweet?

I mean, gah-ah-hah!

(knock at door)

Oh. Who's there?

We, we don't have anything
to steal!

Try the neighbors.

They, they have a sticker
that says they have a dog,

but they don't have a dog.

It's Joe.

Joe? Oh, my God!

God, Joe!

Christine, how
you doing?

Oh, come on in!
Wow!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were
staying at Richard's?

Yeah, I was.
I just couldn't sleep.

New Christine and Richard
were in the other bedroom,

and then the sex started.

(gasps) Oh...

Yeah. There were sounds coming
from that bedroom

that you've never heard before.

Oh, believe me,
I've heard them before.

(chuckles)

I'm not sure it was Richard.

Oh, it was him.

It was pretty high-pitched.

Yeah, I know,
kind of like a donkey

having an asthma attack?

Then a series of yips?

Followed by a slap?

Oh, the slap.
You should have waited.

He was almost finished.

A couple more grunts
and then a...

"Uh! There it is!"

Then you would have been done.

Okay, Richard's completely
ruined sex for me.

Same thing happened to me.

(laughs)

But don't worry.

No chance of sex noises
in here.

I mean, if you hear a grunt,
it's just me bending over

to pick up a sandwich.

Come on. You look fantastic.

I would pay good money
to see you bend over

to pick up a sandwich.

Hey, I'd do it.

Hey, listen, I'd offer you
the guesthouse,

but, um, Matthew's
in there, so...

Still.

Yeah. I mean, actually,

we have a deal:

If he gets a job
or I get remarried,

then he has to go, so...

we're pretty much in it
for the long haul.

The couch is fine.
Okay.

Hey, I'm sorry
if I woke you up.

No, no, I was just
gonna watch a movie in bed.

Oh, really? What movie?

Oh, it's just a girlie thing.

You wouldn't like it.

Hey, I watched

Akeelah And The Bee

on the flight over.

I was sobbing so much,

the flight attendant had
to give me a set of wings

to calm me down.

(laughs)

Come on. What movie?

Um, Men Don't Leave.

Is it good?

Yeah, it's pretty good.

Jessica Lange plays this woman
who's, um...

(voice breaking):
uh, whose husband dies and...

All right, I'm in.
(laughs)

Hey, you got, you got any wine?

Oh, gee, I don't know,
but, oh, my goodness,

look what I just found.

Hee-hee!

(stifled sobs)

You can let it out
if you want.

No, no, I can't.

I'm afraid if I start,
I won't be able to stop.

This movie brings up
a lot of stuff for me.

I know.

Even though I knew
Akeelah was going

to win that
spelling bee,

when it actually
happened, I, uh...

I, uh...

Are you making fun of me?

Yeah, I am, yeah.

(both laugh)

Ow! Oh, God!

Oh, sorry.

I'm not usually that messy.

Hey, so what's going on
with you?

Are you seeing anyone or...

Oh, no.

A few prospects,
but nothing serious.

How about you?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't introduce you.

Joe Campbell,
meet Kendall Jackson.

(both laugh)

Actually, I'm going
through a bit of
a dry spell myself.

I think I might
have lost my mojo.

Well, I just sat
in something wet.

Could that be it?

Oh!

* Whoa, yeah, yeah. *

* Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh. *

Oh.

Oh.

I guess we fell asleep.

Yeah.

This is weird.

A little.

And now weirder.

Matthew, Matthew, something
bad has happened!

I slept with Joe.

Uncle Joe?

(gasps)

No, no, not Uncle Joe.

Why would Mommy sleep
with Uncle Joe?

Mommy wouldn't do that.

But Mommy might hide
five dollars in your room

because you're
the best little boy

in the whole wide world.
Go get it!

Wait.

Last time you said
there was five dollars

in my room and there wasn't.

And that's why I hid

ten dollars in there this time.

Go on! Get in there!

Go, go!
Yay!

Why didn't you tell me
he was underneath the table?

I didn't realize
you were about to
scar him for life.

What, so you had sex with Joe?

No, I slept with Joe.

He came over last night

and he's gonna sleep
on the couch,

but then I invited him
to my room to watch
Men Don't Leave.

Which one is that?

Oh, it's that one

where Jessica Lange
is this woman whose, um...

(sobbing)

whose husband dies...

Okay, get on with it.

Anyway, um, okay,
we watched the movie

and then we fell asleep

and nothing happened,

and then we woke up
and he kissed me.

Well, congratulations.

You've now been with your
cousin, new Christine's father

and you ex-husband's brother.

You're almost ready to start
dating outside the family.

Hey, he kissed me, okay?

We woke up together,
he looked at me

and he found me irresistible.

(gasps)

Oh, my God, do you know
what this means?

Joe's gone blind,
he lost a bet,

you're the last woman on Earth?

No!

I got my mojo back, okay?

A man desires me.

A handsome, vital,
successful man desires me.

So you're really going to go
for it with Richard's brother?

No, no, I can't

It's too close.

I mean, although, I have to say
he is a fantastic kisser.

He does that thing
where he holds your face

when he's kissing you,
you know.

I just love that...
Oh, seriously, I'm calling Mom!

Oh, I'm going to have
to tell him

it's not going to work out.

Oh, poor guy.

Sometimes a taste of honey
is worse than none at all.

Yeah, sometimes.

Hey, he likes me.

He kissed me.
I'm back!

Oh, I'm going to have
to let him down easy.

God, that is nice.

What happened to my room?

Oh, sorry, I tidied up
a little bit.

I was going to do
under the bed,

but I thought
I saw something blink.

Wow, it's beautiful.

Like a Holiday Inn.

Look, uh, Joe,
we have to talk.

I think you're great.

Okay, and I'm sorry
if I led you on

by inviting you into
my crumb-filled bed, but...

I'm gay.

No, it's because

you're Richard's brother.

No, Christine.

I'm gay.

What?

I've been struggling with it
for a long time now.

And I wasn't sure

until I kissed you.

Then I knew for sure.

I am gay.

Hey, hey...

Not nice.

Oh, no, I don't
mean it like that.

Come on, please,
you're perfect, see?

That's how I knew.

If I wasn't going
to feel it with you,

then I wasn't going
to feel it with anybody.

Then I kissed you.

That was it.
I am gay.

Okay, okay.

I get it.
You're gay.

Yep.

Does Richard know?
No.

You're the first person
I've told.

I'll get around to Richard,

I'm just not really ready
to talk about it with him yet.

Yeah, that's probably
a pretty good idea.

He won't even eat
a banana in public.

Oh, come on!

We've gone around
the block four times.

Look, the line's getting longer.

Frou Frou Cupcakes needs
their own parking lot.

Or a drive-thru.

Oh, that would be great.

Then I could go bottomless.

Didn't you learn your lesson
at the car wash?

I didn't know
you had to get out.

Look, if it's too much
of a hassle, we can skip it.

It's just a cupcake.

Joe, this is not
just a cupcake.

Obviously you've never had
a Frou Frou in your mouth.

Oh, I didn't say anything.

All right, you know what,
just let me out.

You guys keep looking
for a parking space,

I'll wait in line,

but I get a bite
of both of yours.

Now when she bites your cupcake,
the important thing is to keep

your fingers tucked in.

Oh, great.
You saved my place.

(sniffs):
What is that flavor?
What did you eat?

Is that cherry cheesecake
with a...

(sniffing)

graham cracker topping?

Stop smelling me.
Get off me.

Oh, excuse me.

Do you have any more samples
of the cherry cheesecake?

I'm sorry,
we ran out.

You sure you don't have
just one more?

Maybe in the back?

No.

Ma'am, could you please
take your hand off my arm?

Ooh, burn.

Man, you really
have lost it.

You can't even flirt a sample
from a sample guy.

Okay, yeah.

I get plenty of samples, okay?

You have no idea
how many samples I get.

I have not lost it.

Come on, Christine.
There's no shame in it.

So you're having
a dry spell.

Happens to everyone.

Not everyone.
Not me.
Not me.

I guess it just
happens to you.

A lot.

Then why'd your brother
kiss me this morning?

Oh, shoot.

You'd better be kidding.

I am.

Oh, good.
She's kidding.

She's not kidding.

You're not kidding.
You and my brother?

What happened?
What did you do to him?

I didn't do anything.
He kissed me.

Were you fooling around
when we were together?

Was he that hang-up
on our machine

when we got back
from our honeymoon?

No.
Of course not.

Nothing is going on.
He's gay.

Oh, shoot.

What?!

I shouldn't have
said anything.

You're lying.

He kissed me, and then
he told me he was gay.

Wow, that's worse
than a dry spell.

Turning men gay.
That's like a superpower.

I didn't turn anyone gay.

This is my brother
you're talking about.

He's been with more women
than the three of us combined.

I told you that
in confidence.

It was my year abroad.

It was Sweden.

They love Americans there.

Richard, you can't
say anything to him.

I don't believe you.

Don't.
Let's just drop it.

Oh, look, the line's moving.

Save my place.

I'm going to go
feed my meter.

Richard, don't you say anything!

Oh, damn it.

He's going to
say something.

Mmm.

What is that?
That's like...

(sniffs):
It's like Oreos.

Oh. Sorry.

Yeah, it's Oreos.

Boy, your sister's
not neat, is she?

"Neat" isn't even one of
the top ten things she isn't.

This is either a chicken tender
or an ear.

Well, I've got honey mustard
and a Q-tip in the cup holder,

so either way
we're covered.

I need to talk to you.

Matthew, get out.

I'm waiting for my cupcake.

They're coming.

Go put some money in my meter.
I'm up the street.

I don't have any change.

There's a quarter
on the dashboard.

I'll figure something out.

This is bad.

It was no big deal.

It was my junior year.

In Stockholm the nights
last, like, 16 hours.

There's nothing else to do.

No! I know Richard
is going to tell Joe.

Why do I have to have
such a big mouth?

Why does Richard have
to have such a big mouth?

Why did I have to spend
my semester abroad in Belgium?

Gay?

Are you kidding?

Dude, it's me.

Dude, I know.

But why would
she say that?

All right, I wasn't going
to tell you this,

but we were hanging
out last night,

and she was telling me
about how lonely she's been,

and I felt bad for her.

And then this morning
she kissed me.

I didn't know what to say.

So, I told her I was gay.

It was the only way
to get out of it

without hurting
her feelings.

Oh, my God.

That makes total sense.

I mean, not that I would've
cared if you were gay,

because I don't care.

Last week I had
some pinot gris.

It was nice.

Ha!
What?

He's not gay.
Richard, you told him?

Of course I told him.

He's my brother.
My straight brother.

He denied it?
I can't go into
the details.

He asked me not to say.

But if you
ask me questions,

I could probably
answer them.

Okay...

What'd he say?

He said he told you
he was gay

because you were into him
and he wasn't into you,

and he didn't know
how to get out of it.

Boy, you asked
the right question.

He kissed me.

I can't believe
he's lying about it.

Okay, I'll be right back.

Don't say
anything to Joe.

I won't.
Then where are you going?

Something about Ritchie.

Where's Joe?

Dumping the trash.

He cleaned out
the back seat.

Oh, by the way, that smell

we thought smelled
like a dead squirrel?

Bingo.

Hey, Matthew,

do you think Joe is gay?

I thought he kissed you.

And then he told me he was gay.

Which is fine.

But then he told Richard

he only said that
to get away from me.

What do you care?

You said you didn't want
to be with him anyway.

If he's lying
just to get away from me,

then it means
I've really lost it.

But if he's gay,
then it's not me.

Well, he's probably gay.

Aw... thank you, Matthew.

You are so sweet to me.

Oh, here he comes.

Get the hell out.

Get out. Out.

Joe!
Christine.

I'm glad you're here.

Listen, can you
keep a secret?

Oh, that's right. No.

Okay. I'm sorry, all right.

I shouldn't have told Richard.

But did you lie to me?

No, I lied to Richard.

You did?
Yes.

Wait.

Are you lying now?

No, I'm telling you the truth.

I've always told you
the truth.

I just didn't think Richard
was ready to hear the truth.

Well, what is the truth?

I'm gay.

Prove it.

Yeah, I think that's only
going to make you mad.

I knew you couldn't
keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, well, the only reason
I couldn't keep my mouth shut

is because you didn't keep your
mouth shut in the first place.

Look, Joe,

it is time for you
to tell Richard the truth,

okay?
It will be good for you

and it'll make me
look a lot better.

Okay.

Richard, it seems to be
really important to Christine

that I tell you that...

I'm gay.

Really?

You're gay?
Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, if you say so.

Then I guess you're gay.

(laughing)
No!

No, no, no. Wait.

No, he is gay.

You told me.
Tell him.

I love the guys.

I can't get enough.

I'm Homo Joe.

Yeah, you're awesome.

(laughing)
No, stop it.

Stop telling it
like that.

You are Homo Joe.

Tell him!

Okay. All right.

Okay.

Richard, I'm gay.

Oh.

Well...

If we're all coming clean here,
Christine,

I have something
to tell you, too.

After we got married,
I realized...

I'm gay, too.

(laughing)

No.

Damn it!

I have to get
back in line.

Dude, you're awesome.

What are you doing to me here?

What are you doing to me?

You just made me look like
a complete idiot

in front of Richard.

Christine,
did you ever think

maybe my coming out
to my family

is not about you?

What? No.

Look, I am not ready
to tell Richard.

But now everybody's gonna think

that I really did lose my mojo.

Look, I'm sorry if this
hurts your reputation,

but you're just going to have
to take the hit on this one.

(sighs heavily)

Okay. Okay.

I'll do it for you.

Thank you.

And, listen,
if I wasn't so gay,

I could really see myself
falling in love with you,

marrying you,

cheating on you
with guys.