The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 15 - Sleepless in Mar Vista - full transcript

Oh, God. 3:15?

Okay, if I go to sleep
right this second,

I'd still have three
hours and 15 minutes.

I could probably push it to
7:00 if I don't take a shower.

No, I did that yesterday.

It might be my stink
that's keeping me awake.

Okay, this is crazy.
Just think about nothing.

Hey, why did the smoke
alarm stop blinking?

Oh, there it goes.

Wait. It stopped again.

Oh, there it goes.



Okay, let the smoke alarm do its job.
Go to sleep.

Okay, here we go. Sleep.

Move!

Oh-oh, another
bad night's sleep?

Another day of unemployment?

Wow, you're mean
when you're sleepy.

Sorry. I only slept for
about two hours last night.

I'll be fine.

Poor baby.

Don't touch me! Get a job!

I... You know what? I don't have
to take this! I'm a grown man!

If you don't start being nicer,
I'm going to move back in with Mom!

I'm sorry. You're right.
You don't deserve that.

You know what?
You need to get some help.



Your sleep-deprived mood swings has
everyone in this house afraid of you.

What? What are
you talking about?

Nobody's scared of me.

Hey, Mom, how'd you sleep?

- Not great.
- Bye.

- Wow, you are really tense.
- Yeah.

Let me just do your neck and
we'll see if that does anything.

Okay, just, just relax.

- Let me do all the work.
- Okay.

Don't fight me.

- You're fighting me, Christine.
- Oh, sorry.

Stop fighting me.

Trust. Trust...

- You're not trusting me.
- Okay.

Damn you, that's good!

Tell me about the sleeping
problem you've had.

How long has that
been going on?

Well, I haven't really gotten a good
night's sleep since the baby was born.

How old is the baby?

Almost ten.

I mean, I try to get to bed early,
but the second I lie down,

my mind starts racing.

What are you thinking about?

Oh, you know, everything.

I mean, like last night, I was thinking
about everything I had to do tomorrow

and everything I didn't
get done yesterday,

and then I hear a cricket.

And then I think
of my friend Susan

who named her
daughter "Cricket."

I didn't get her a present
when she was born and...

now Cricket has asthma.

That's sad.

And then I start laughing,
you know, because...

Cricket is a, a funny name.

Oh, wait a minute.
Is her name Cricket?

God, yes, you bastard!

Okay, go ahead and turn over.

You can't function without
a good night's sleep.

Have you tried relaxation exercises?

Nah, they piss me off.

- Sex?
- Same thing.

Have you thought
about a sleeping pill?

Oh, I don't want to
go down that road.

I remember on The
Mary Tyler Moore Show,

Mary had insomnia and then she
got addicted to sleeping pills.

Well, science has made great
strides since the fictional 1970s.

Look, if you want, I'll have my
partner write a prescription for you.

Try it and see what happens.

Well, you've always taken
such good care of me.

I mean, if you think it'll help,
I guess I can try it.

Sweet mother!
I love you, Dr. Mike.

Oh, I feel so relaxed.

Is that a cricket?

Burton!

Christine, hey.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I was just seeing
my chiropractor.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm, uh,
seeing my therapist.

I didn't know you
were in therapy.

How long you been going?

About six months.

Oh, that's right around the time
we stopped seeing each other.

Yes, right around that time.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was,
that was a really hard time for me.

I mean,
I broke up with my girlfriend for you

because you led me to
believe that you loved me,

and then you,
you made out with your ex-husband.

Oh, yeah.

That was weird, huh?

You know, I'm not blaming you.

That's taken a lot of
hard work with Sheila.

That's my therapist,
and it's cost me the equivalent

of a seven-day all-inclusive
singles cruise to the Caribbean.

Yeah, I looked into
it for a little bit.

It's fun. Mostly guys.

Mostly gay.

Anyway, um...

it's really, really nice to run into
you. I should probably be going.

- Oh, okay.
- You look great.

Oh, thanks. So do you.

- Okay. Nice to talk...
- No, I better not.

I just feel so bad for Burton.

I mean, six months
with a doctor to get over...?

Poor guy. I feel terrible.

And a little great.

He was deeply in
love with me, okay?

It's awful.

God, I just hope he
can get over me.

I hope you can get over you.

Quiet! A man was destroyed!

Now, you know what?
I'm gonna you to help me, okay?

I don't know how these are
gonna affect me and you know,

I don't really believe
in taking sleep aids.

- You don't believe in taking sleep aids?
- Right.

Wine?

That's different.
It's from the Earth, natural.

Nyquil?

It's from the store...

natural.

This is a whole
other league, okay?

This is a prescription
sleep medicine.

You know what,
I've seen the ads for these.

It's got that little sleepy
bear who climbs into the clouds

and then the clouds float
away into a rainbow.

Why don't you just take acid?

'Cause my insurance
won't cover acid.

Wow! This stuff is powerful.

Look at the warning.

"Don't drink alcohol.
Don't operate heavy machinery.

Don't make
important decisions."

You should have that sewn
into your underwear.

She's been asleep for 11 hours.

You think we should
check on her?

No, I already did.

She was on her stomach
on top of the covers

with her nightgown hiked
up around her neck.

Closed my eyes so fast
it blew the door shut.

Oh, my God!

Good morning!

Wow, that was the best
night's sleep I have ever had.

I feel fantastic!

How long was I out?

20 years.

Richie has two kids and his
wife doesn't care for you.

Yeah, well,
she's no prize either.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I was promised waffles.

By whom?

- You.
- What?

Yeah, you called me in the
middle of the night all excited

about your new waffle iron.

What? No, no,
I didn't call you.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Did we miss the waffles?

I called you, too?

How can I not remember?

It was 4:11. I remember
because my watch said 4:19.

I keep it eight minutes
fast so I'm never early...

or late.

I forget how it works.

God, that is so weird.

I don't remember anything.

You know what? I think I saw
something about this on 60 Minutes.

Some of those sleeping
pills have side effects.

People do all sorts
of crazy things.

They have conversations and go places,
don't remember a thing about it.

This one woman went to a Laundromat
and folded other people's laundry.

What? Why didn't you tell me
this before I took the pill?

Well, I figured the chances of you
folding laundry were pretty remote.

Well, I appreciated your call.

Just knowing you're so happy for me
and Richard means everything to me.

What?

I said that?

You called me "Cricket."

You told me the only thing you
valued more than our marriage

was our friendship.

You were nice. It was weird.

Nice? That doesn't
sound like me.

Who else did I call?

Barb, Barb, Richard...

Uh-oh, Mom.

Oh, that's okay.
She won't remember it either.

Some 3-1-0 number.

Uh-oh. The 3-1-0
number's calling.

Hey, Matthew! Matthew,
I think I erased our outgoing message.

Do you know how I...

Christine, it's Burton.

You're probably still sleeping,

but I just had to call and say that I woke
up with a smile on my face this morning

after our phone
conversation last night.

And I've decided you're right--
screw my therapist.

I can't wait to see you, too.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.

Sounds like you promised
him more than waffles.

What is the deal
with the waffles?

Barb, forget about
the waffles, okay?

I made a date with Burton.
I mean, he was just getting over me,

and then I call him
and renew his hope?

I mean,
this may actually kill him.

Let's put her in a sack and
bring her down to the river.

Why would I call Burton?

Maybe you still have
feelings for Burton,

and the pills tapped
into your subconscious.

My subconscious?

You think my subconscious
still likes Burton?

Maybe your subconscious
can make me some waffles.

You know, I mean,
maybe I do like Burton.

I mean, I did like Burton.
We had a great time together.

He's funny, he's smart,
he's handsome.

So you're gonna
go out with him?

Well, I don't know.

Why not give it a shot,
see if the magic is still there.

Maybe the magic can
make me some waffles.

Okay!

Enough about the waffles.
This is big, you know?

I'm going out with Burton.

I might have a great time, you guys.
Third time might be the charm.

Ah. Speaking of time,
I better get going. I'm late.

Or early.

I'll do it tomorrow.

I tell you,
the best thing I did to help me

get through the hollydays
was getting that cat.

Burton.

Yes, yes,
I named him after myself.

Yeah, it was my
therapist's idea.

She thought it would be a great lesson
in learning to care for myself.

As I learn to nourish Burton,

I learn to nourish me.

As I learn to, uh, love Burton,

I learn to love me.

A cat named Burton.

Dynamite.

My therapist would kill me if she
knew I was out with you right now.

But what the hell, huh?
I'm a different person.

Yeah, you certainly seem
like a different person.

You're definitely
a different person.

The things you said to me
last night were so sweet.

Yeah, I guess way down
deep I'm a sweetheart.

Way, way down.

Will you excuse
me for a second?

I'm supposed to call the
vet before they close.

Burton has worms.

Don't go anywhere.

- I can't. You drove.
- I did.

Hey. I need a hug.

Okay.

Hey, I need a drink.

Okay, we get it. You've been
explaining the game for 20 minutes.

- Let's just play.
- Okay.

I've got a Magic Saber
of the Underlord Dragon.

So I have to give you all my monsters
whose Power Stars equal six or more

as a tribute from the battle.

Your turn.

Go fish.

I knew this wouldn't work.

I do not understand this game.

Want to play for money?

Do you take
Christine's debit card?

Hello?

There is nothing in my
subconscious or otherwise

that still has
feelings for Burton.

He's too nice for me.
He's so sensitive.

Like a woman.

And not the kind
of woman I like.

Wow, so I guess it was
all just the pills, huh?

Oh, I'm not gonna make it!
Burton is so awful.

And I feel myself being mean to him,
you know?

I mean, I don't want to,
but he's so weak.

And weak guys bring
out my mean streak.

- Why don't you just leave?
- Oh, I can't-- he's too fragile.

God, those pills made me a
completely different person.

I don't know how I'm gonna
make it through this night.

- What's she doing now?
- She's gonna take a pill.

I know-- I'll take a pill.

I mean, not a whole one.
You know-- like a quarter.

- Well, maybe a half.
- All right, be careful.

No, it's okay--
I haven't had a drink, and he's driving.

It'll just take the edge off,
you know?

Hey, let me talk to Barb.

How much will you give me for
my Lovely Lady of Lorimar?

Will you take my
Giant Red Sea Serpent?

I don't think I'd better.

Oh, Matthew, oh, wow.
I'm sorry.

I hope we didn't wake you up.

Uh, Burton,
you remember Matthew, my brother.

My support system.

My rock.

My God.

Sorry it's so late, but we just
had a beautiful night together.

- Reconnecting.
- Beautiful!

Oh, Matthew, we reconnected.

Okay, that's enough.
Time to disconnect.

No, no, no, no. Not yet.
I've got to say something to Burton.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- I love you.

And you said it.

- I love you, too, baby.
- And now he's said it.

- Oh, love you, Burton!
- Good night, Burton.

Now, listen, tell Burton
I hope he feels better, okay?

Good night, Burton.

I'll bring you a picture of Burton
next time. He is gonna love you.

Oh... and I am
gonna love Burton!

Meow.

What the hell?
Get in the house!

I kissed him?

It looked like you were
trying to eat him.

- Oh, my God!
- And you told him you loved him.

- No!
- And he said he loved you.

And you invited me on a
girls' getaway weekend.

I did all that,
and I don't remember any of it?

I wonder if I should
stop taking these pills.

I wonder.

You're ruining a man's life.

Even that doesn't
make me happy.

But I am so well rested, you know?
I'm not sleepy, I'm not grumpy.

You're still dopey.

Yeah. Okay, I know.
Poor Burton.

Well, I'm just gonna have
to tell him the truth:

that I'm a sleep-deprived
Jekyll and Hyde.

Boy, he's gonna be in therapy for
the rest of his life over this.

Well, thank God
he's got Burton.

Did you sneak another pill?

It's Burton.

Oh, shoot.
I have to deal with this.

- No!
- No!

All right, fine.
You're right, no pills, okay?

I'll just have to
tell him the truth.

No matter how much it hurts.

- Hi, Christine.
- Burton, hi.

I'm glad you're here-- I need to talk
to you about what happened last night.

Yeah, I need to
talk to you, too.

Burton, you know I like you.

I know,
but I can't keep seeing you.

What?

I'm just not really
myself right now.

I probably should have
told you earlier, but...

my therapist has me on
some pretty serious drugs.

It's a potent cocktail of antidepressants
and anti-anxiety medication.

What do they do?

Apparently, they
make you tolerable.

Hey! Hey!

Christine, I'm sorry, but you were always
a little rough around the edges for me,

and the medicine
smoothed everything out.

- You said you loved me.
- I know I have hurt you,

but I can't keep seeing someone
I can only tolerate if I'm on drugs.

Okay! I heard you.

If you want to talk about tolerate, I mean,
I wasn't gonna tell you this, but...

I was on something, too.

Yeah, that's right--
I had to take pills

to get through
the meal with you.

Oh, boy.

So now you're gonna tell me
that you were on pills, too.

Yeah. I was. I don't remember
anything that happened last night.

Of course you don't.

No. I don't.

Wow. I really destroyed you,
didn't I?

Destroyed me?
No, I wrecked you.

You're the one who's been in
therapy for the last six months,

naming cats after yourself.

What are you talking about?
I don't own a cat.

Crazy!

I'm not the crazy one.

I mean, I can't sleep, yeah,
and I've got some hostility issues,

but other than that,
I am golden.

Sure you are.

What is this?

Sheila's number.

Call her.

A little therapy might
do you some good.

Hey, I don't need therapy,
nut job!

What... No, no, I'm strong!

I'm independent!

I'm in the best mental
health of my life!

Hey, call me!