The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 14 - Let Him Eat Cake - full transcript
Christine takes credit for New Christine's birthday present for Richard, which causes many angry issues to arise between the two women.
Morning.
Morning.
(groans)
Uh, that milk's spoiled.
Why didn't you tell me that
before I drank it?
I thought it would be funnier
this way.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Uncle Matthew.
Hey, sweetie.
Where's your daddy?
Can't talk. Drank a Big Gulp.
Gotta pee.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, it's breakfast time.
What are you giving him
Big Gulps for?
Richard got one
so he wanted one.
Besides, it's only 32 ounces.
He's only 32 ounces.
So...
you guys psyched?
I don't think so.
My birthday.
It's tomorrow.
I'm psyched, honey.
Thanks, babe.
Oh, Richard's birthday.
Yeah, I have
so many memories
of all the birthdays
Richard and I spent together.
The birthday eve countdown,
the phone call from his mother
at the exact moment
of his birth:
3:18... a.m.
That's so weird.
I was born at 8:13 a.m.
Wow.
Don't listen to Crabby Pants.
it's going to be fun.
I booked the party room at
Bonjiorno's for tomorrow night.
But we only have it
for three hours
so you're going to have to keep
the speeches to a minimum.
Oh, and I hate to ask...
Oh, you so don't
hate to ask.
Can you make
the lemon Jell-O cake?
Yes, I'll make
the lemon Jell-O cake.
Yay! I'm psyched!
I've got to say, I'm starting to
get a little jazzed myself.
Hey, is Ritchie still
peeing up there?
I'll go check on him.
'Cause maybe you guys want
to talk about
some other birthday surprises
you have planned.
Well, I'm going to go to my room
to get stoked.
Can I offer you a glass of milk?
Can I help
with the cake?
I think I've got it.
It's no problem.
My mom used to bake
all the time.
Actually, her maiden
name was Baker.
I don't know if that's why she
baked, but she loved baking.
Um, I've gotta...
just get...
Yeah.
My dad's last
name is Hunter.
He doesn't hunt, though.
Or bake.
Richard?
Um... I've gotta...
I've gotta get in here.
Yeah, thanks.
My last name is Hunter.
I don't know if you knew that,
but it is.
Matthew?
Anyone?
Um, I've gotta...
I'm just going over...
Yeah, so, yeah.
So, I wanted to ask
you something.
Do you have any ideas
about what to get Richard?
I want to get him
a really special gift
because he's always
so thoughtful.
Yeah, I know, right?
Oh, wait, you're serious?
Oh, yeah.
On our first date, I told him
about my fifth birthday
and how my parents promised
to get me a pony.
But before my birthday,
they split up,
so I didn't get the pony.
So for my birthday last year,
Richard took me to Catalina.
And...
you-you went horseback riding?
Oh, that would have been fun.
No, we stayed in a hotel
and made love all weekend.
That's a great story.
But the card did have a picture
of a horse on it.
So, he's thoughtful.
Oh.
And not just on birthdays.
On Sunday nights,
he knows I get kind of sad,
so he always leaves me
a little poem on my pillow.
Oh. The only note he ever left
me was, "Don't go in there."
He's always giving me gifts
for no reason.
He bought me this top.
Oh. Hmm. Once he got me
a T-shirt that said,
"I'm not as think
as you drunk I am."
Boy, he's really gotten better
at this boyfriend business.
I lucked out.
Oh!
Oh, you know what he would like.
There's this thing that goes on
the back of his pickup truck,
it's called a bed extender.
And it's got a place
for a toolbox and a cooler
and you can put a hibachi in it.
And, gosh, Richard's been saying
he's wanted that for years.
That would really
make him happy.
Then why didn't you ever
get it for him?
'Cause it would really
make him happy.
Wow.
Yeah. Give it ten years,
New Christine,
you'll get there.
You know, you can just call me
Christine.
I know.
Man, that's the longest
I've ever peed.
Huh. That is going to look
so good
on your college application.
Hey, Ritchie, have you decide
what you're going to get me
for my birthday?
I'm going to make you a card.
Oh.
Well, I love your cards,
but maybe you're old enough now
to start giving Daddy a gift
with those awesome cards
of yours.
But the card is a gift.
Mmm, not really, sweetie.
Okay, all right.
It's time for Daddy
and New Christine to go
so Mommy can bake a cake.
All right, we'll
see you later.
Bye. Thanks for your help.
Oh, sure.
I love you, Ritchie,
no matter what you get me.
But I know it'll be
something great. Get psyched.
Get out.
No.
I want to get him something
with my own money.
Well, uh, how much do you have?
I don't have any money.
But... how did you think
you were going to get a gift?
I don't know.
I'm freaking out.
Okay. Calm down.
There's another option.
Come here.
Now, I'm going
to show you something,
but you can't let anyone know
that I showed you.
Is it a chicken?
Why do you always guess chicken?
Voila.
The crappy gift cupboard.
Whenever anyone gets one of us
a lame present, it goes here,
where it will never disappoint
anyone ever again.
Why are there so many
ice cream makers?
Because it turns out you can buy
ice cream already made.
Hey, check this out.
A complete magician kit.
I could do a magic show
for Dad's present.
Do you think he'd like that?
Uh, to put it this way--
I would love to see his face
when you give it to him.
This is better than a chicken.
Ooh, hey,
the crappy gift cupboard.
Hey, grab me one of those
ice cream makers.
I'm going to wrap it up
for Richard's birthday.
I think he gave that to you.
Yeah, I know. We've given it
back and forth four times.
It makes him so mad.
It's funny.
You're nice.
Oh, come on. I spent ten years
planning Richard's birthdays,
thinking of the perfect gift,
the perfect party,
the perfect way to wake him up.
(groans):
No.
Yeah, and let me
tell you something--
that's one torch I'm happy
to pass along to New Christine.
No!
Let's just say that the candles
aren't the only thing
getting...
Okay!
Come outside.
You've got
to see this.
What?
Come on! Come on!
What?
Come here, look.
You're not going to believe
What?
what New Christine
got me for my birthday.
I just heard,
and it's going to make my
gift look pretty lousy.
Isn't it beautiful?
I don't know what
I'm looking at.
It's a truck bed extender.
A truck bed extender.
You have always wanted
one of those.
It's not just an extender.
It's a cargo
management system.
I can put my cooler here,
my blueprints in here.
It has everything.
Does it have a
hard hat holder?
Does it have a hard
hat holder?
I think
he's making fun of you.
I am.
I think it's awesome.
It sure is.
It seems like a great gift.
Are you kidding?
It's the perfect gift.
It's the best gift
I've ever gotten.
The best gift
for the best boyfriend.
(both groan)
I'm blown away.
You put so much thought
into this.
No one's ever does that
on my birthday.
What, are you kidding me?
For ten years I made your
birthday a national holiday.
Yeah, but your gifts sucked.
What?
The weekend getaways,
the-the breakfast in bed.
I kissed that Asian woman
in front of you.
That was on your birthday.
Oh, yeah.
It was a good birthday.
The point is though,
that I've given you some pretty
spectacular birthdays.
Yeah, but you know what
this says to me?
This says she knows me.
She gets me.
I do get you.
We get each other.
This is the best birthday.
NEW CHRISTINE:
For the best boyfriend.
From the best girlfriend.
Well, the gift was my idea,
not New Christine.
Me-- original Christine.
What?
Well, you know, I mean, maybe
I shouldn't have said anything.
Maybe?
I mean, you know,
the important thing is
that you got something
that you love.
So be happy.
I mean, yeah, there are
contractors in Africa
who don't even have a
truck bed to extend.
That's true.
Or a truck.
Or a bed.
They drive
around in elephants.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
No one's stopping me.
I guess it doesn't matter
whose idea it was.
It's the gift that counts.
Don't you mean it's the
thought that counts?
Whatever.
Yeah, you know, whatever.
RICHARD:
It's okay.
You still wrote me a nice card.
You wrote that, right?
Yes.
Come on,
let's take it for a spin.
Hey... Happy birthday.
Um...
Get psyched!
Ooh, look, the, um...
the Halperns painted
their house.
What is that, green or...? Hmm.
So, you feel okay
about how that played out?
Yeah, I feel fine.
You wouldn't do anything
differently?
Maybe the opposite
of what you did.
No, I didn't do anything wrong.
I told the truth
and the truth is never wrong.
Well, you lie
about your age.
And that's something I'm going
to try not to do in my 30s.
I see.
I mean, it's
not my fault
New Christine chose to
deceive her boyfriend,
then tried to
turn it around on me.
Oh, is that what happened
out there?
Yeah, pretty much.
Why couldn't you just
let Richard think
the gift was
New Christine's idea?
I don't know,
it just made me mad.
The way they were talking about
her being the best girlfriend
and him being
the best boyfriend.
You know, what about me?
Well, you're neither
of those things.
You're a 55-year-old
pathological liar.
She is only the
perfect girlfriend
because of me, okay?
I think I deserve
some-some credit.
For what?
(scoffs):
For giving her
the perfect gift suggestion,
making her
the perfect girlfriend,
and for turning
that self-absorbed goon
into the best boyfriend
she has ever had.
I did all that.
Wait, is this the same man
who cracks up anytime anyone,
in any context,
says "number two"?
Okay, he's no James Bond,
all right, but, I mean,
things like... thoughtful gifts
and weekends away
and poems
on New Christine's pillow.
You know, I made him.
So you introduced him
to poetry?
Yeah, among other things, yes.
You don't know any poetry.
I know poetry.
"Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick, Jack jump
over the candlestick."
That's a nursery rhyme.
It's poetry, okay,
and the point is
New Christine would not
have looked twice at that guy
if it wasn't for me.
I mean, what does it matter?
(sighs)
Matthew, it's like an artist
who takes an empty canvas
and creates
this beautiful painting,
and when he's finished,
he puts his signature
right there in the corner.
And then when people walk
through the museum
and they look at this
gorgeous painting,
they say, "Oh, I like that.
That's a," um...
Uh...
Can't think of an
artist, can you?
Okay, that's not the point.
The point is
I want people to know
that the boyfriend
that Richard is today
is because of me,
all right?
That dimwitted chimp
is my masterpiece.
Maybe save that
for the birthday toast.
Sir, if you'll
just let me know
when the birthday boy
gets here,
I'll start bringing out
the appetizers.
The birthday boy is here.
You're the birthday boy?
Yep, the big four-one.
What's four-one stand for?
Forty-one.
And you're celebrating?
Just bring the
appetizers please.
Right away.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, there they are.
Hey.
(chuckles)
You rented this whole room?
Yeah, remember last year?
That guy at the other table
had a birthday
and totally stole my thunder.
He was eight.
He was a jackass.
Hey, what do
you got there?
Is that
my present?
Yup. Hey, Mom,
can I go get it ready?
Yeah, yeah,
sure, honey.
Ooh,
it requires assembly.
I'm going to like it.
No, you're not.
What?
Happy birthday.
Where's New
Christine?
I don't know.
She should be here by now.
I'm getting a little worried.
And she's not answering
her phone.
Maybe she's upset.
Why would she be upset?
I wonder why she'd be upset,
Christine.
Me? How would I know?
I don't know what goes on
in their stupid relationship.
He probably said
something stupid.
I probably did.
She's mad at Christine
for telling you
about the truck bed extender.
It was embarrassing.
Yeah, why did you have
to tell me about that?
That was mean.
And she's sensitive.
I'm sensitive.
I think you're sitting
on a fork.
Oh... thanks.
You had to be mean
to her on my birthday.
I wasn't trying to be mean.
It was my idea.
BOTH (groaning):
We know.
(sighs)
Fine, I'll apologize
when she gets here.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Hey!
It's an old-time villain.
No, I'm a magician.
I'm going to escape
from shackles and a sack.
Why?
It's your present.
Mm, not really, sweetie.
Oh... he loves it.
Go do your
trick, honey.
I will require the help
of my lovely assistant.
I'm the lovely assistant.
Hi.
Oh, look,
she's here.
Good.
Everything's fine.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Hi, sweetie,
I was getting a little...
I made a cake.
Oh... but...
I made my lemon Jell-O cake.
I make it every year.
Well, this year,
I made a cake, too.
Ah, well,
that's another idea
you got from me.
I didn't realize you invented
the birthday cake, Christine.
You must be even older
than I thought.
Baby, is everything all right?
Would somebody like
to test my shackles?
I'll test your shackles.
Shackles have been tested.
Behold!
My assistant will now...
Lovely assistant.
...lovely assistant
will now help me
into the airtight sack.
(mouthing)
Look, I don't care
if you baked a cake, too.
It's just that Richard
loves my lemon Jell-O cake.
It's kind of
a tradition.
Well, maybe it's time
for a new tradition.
Maybe it's time for my
triple-berry layer cake
with buttercream frosting.
Here, Richard,
try some.
It's not time for cake yet;
we haven't even had dinner.
Try the damn cake,
Richard.
Yum.
Oh, fine.
So your cake is good.
So what?
It's not a competition.
Okay, try mine.
Also yum.
So I guess
you both make great cakes.
It's a new birthday tradition.
All my women feed me cake.
I like it.
But which cake is better,
Richard, if you had to pick?
I don't have to pick.
He doesn't have to pick.
Pick, Richard. Which is it?
My new, moist, young cake
or Christine's old,
dried out, bitter cake?
(gasps)
How dare you?
My cake is not dried out,
all right?
The Jell-O makes it moist.
Oh, crap.
I think I'm stuck.
Assistant!
I'm here. Let
me just, uh,
Could you-- can you--
do you have it?
Now the lovely assistant will
take this sack of magician
to the kitchen to see
if they have scissors.
RITCHIE:
Behold!
So which is it?
(laughs)
Come on.
We don't want any fighting
on my special day.
Look, Richard.
I know you and this old, sour
cake have a lot of history.
But you need to decide
if you're ready for a new cake.
Because if you're not, there are
plenty of men out there
who would love to get a piece.
Yeah, well, old cake does
just fine, all right?
I mean,
maybe not so much lately,
but that's only because old cake
gets tired at night.
I like both cakes.
One cake is
the mother of my child.
The other cake is
my wonderful new girlfriend.
Equally delicious.
Damn it,
how long am I going to be new?
New girlfriend,
new cake, New Christine.
When are you going to let go
and let me just be Christine?
Why is it always a competition
with you?
Hey, you came to me for help.
And you had to let everybody
know that it was your idea.
You couldn't let me have
this one thing.
Yeah, well, it was my idea.
BOTH:
We know!
Well, it was.
Look, I don't care
whose cake he eats, okay?
I just thought I deserved
a little credit.
And maybe a thank you.
For giving me the idea?
(scoffs)
For building you
the perfect boyfriend.
The romantic poems,
the thoughtful getaways,
the blouses.
All that sweet, caring crap
that he does for you--
I taught him all that, okay?
So thank me!
You're kind of bringing down
the party.
Okay.
You're right.
You do deserve some credit.
I do?
Richard is a great boyfriend
and I know that you are
responsible for a lot of that.
Well, yes, I am.
And I appreciate
your being mature enough
to acknowledge my role in it.
So thank you.
Thank you for making Richard the
terrific man that he is today.
You're most welcome.
See?
That's all I wanted.
Great.
Back to the birthday.
But if you want
to take credit for Richard,
you can't just take credit
for the good things.
You have to take credit
for everything.
What are you talking about?
Uh-oh.
Well, because of you,
Richard has intimacy issues.
It took him three dates
to sleep with me
but six months to tell me
that he loved me.
So thank you for that.
Okay, well, I don't think
that that has anything...
And thanks to you,
the only way Richard knows how
to make a point in
a conversation is by yelling.
All right, well, he
didn't learn that from me!
Will you stop fighting?!
Both cakes are good!
And were you the one
who let him believe
that baby talk
in bed was sexy?
It's a wittle sexy.
(whispering):
Oh, my.
So if you want the credit
for Richard, take it.
All of it.
(clears throat)
I just wanted him to know
that I thought of a good gift.
And he does, so you win.
You've known him longer,
you know him better.
You're the original.
Happy?
(accordion playing)
* Happ... *
No, no, no, no.
Not yet, not yet.
No, I'm not
happy, okay?
Maybe I was a little petty.
A wittle?
Stop it.
Okay, I was petty.
I'm sorry...
Christine.
Thank you.
Okay.
(clears throat)
All right.
There you go.
(clears throat)
I'm not actually much
of a hugger myself.
I have... my own intimacy
issues, so, um...
Why can't you just
let her hug you?!
I'm letting her hug me!
Behold!
Ooh!
Yay!
That's not really
my present, right?
(groans)
He's all yours.
Morning.
(groans)
Uh, that milk's spoiled.
Why didn't you tell me that
before I drank it?
I thought it would be funnier
this way.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Uncle Matthew.
Hey, sweetie.
Where's your daddy?
Can't talk. Drank a Big Gulp.
Gotta pee.
Hi.
Hi.
Hey, it's breakfast time.
What are you giving him
Big Gulps for?
Richard got one
so he wanted one.
Besides, it's only 32 ounces.
He's only 32 ounces.
So...
you guys psyched?
I don't think so.
My birthday.
It's tomorrow.
I'm psyched, honey.
Thanks, babe.
Oh, Richard's birthday.
Yeah, I have
so many memories
of all the birthdays
Richard and I spent together.
The birthday eve countdown,
the phone call from his mother
at the exact moment
of his birth:
3:18... a.m.
That's so weird.
I was born at 8:13 a.m.
Wow.
Don't listen to Crabby Pants.
it's going to be fun.
I booked the party room at
Bonjiorno's for tomorrow night.
But we only have it
for three hours
so you're going to have to keep
the speeches to a minimum.
Oh, and I hate to ask...
Oh, you so don't
hate to ask.
Can you make
the lemon Jell-O cake?
Yes, I'll make
the lemon Jell-O cake.
Yay! I'm psyched!
I've got to say, I'm starting to
get a little jazzed myself.
Hey, is Ritchie still
peeing up there?
I'll go check on him.
'Cause maybe you guys want
to talk about
some other birthday surprises
you have planned.
Well, I'm going to go to my room
to get stoked.
Can I offer you a glass of milk?
Can I help
with the cake?
I think I've got it.
It's no problem.
My mom used to bake
all the time.
Actually, her maiden
name was Baker.
I don't know if that's why she
baked, but she loved baking.
Um, I've gotta...
just get...
Yeah.
My dad's last
name is Hunter.
He doesn't hunt, though.
Or bake.
Richard?
Um... I've gotta...
I've gotta get in here.
Yeah, thanks.
My last name is Hunter.
I don't know if you knew that,
but it is.
Matthew?
Anyone?
Um, I've gotta...
I'm just going over...
Yeah, so, yeah.
So, I wanted to ask
you something.
Do you have any ideas
about what to get Richard?
I want to get him
a really special gift
because he's always
so thoughtful.
Yeah, I know, right?
Oh, wait, you're serious?
Oh, yeah.
On our first date, I told him
about my fifth birthday
and how my parents promised
to get me a pony.
But before my birthday,
they split up,
so I didn't get the pony.
So for my birthday last year,
Richard took me to Catalina.
And...
you-you went horseback riding?
Oh, that would have been fun.
No, we stayed in a hotel
and made love all weekend.
That's a great story.
But the card did have a picture
of a horse on it.
So, he's thoughtful.
Oh.
And not just on birthdays.
On Sunday nights,
he knows I get kind of sad,
so he always leaves me
a little poem on my pillow.
Oh. The only note he ever left
me was, "Don't go in there."
He's always giving me gifts
for no reason.
He bought me this top.
Oh. Hmm. Once he got me
a T-shirt that said,
"I'm not as think
as you drunk I am."
Boy, he's really gotten better
at this boyfriend business.
I lucked out.
Oh!
Oh, you know what he would like.
There's this thing that goes on
the back of his pickup truck,
it's called a bed extender.
And it's got a place
for a toolbox and a cooler
and you can put a hibachi in it.
And, gosh, Richard's been saying
he's wanted that for years.
That would really
make him happy.
Then why didn't you ever
get it for him?
'Cause it would really
make him happy.
Wow.
Yeah. Give it ten years,
New Christine,
you'll get there.
You know, you can just call me
Christine.
I know.
Man, that's the longest
I've ever peed.
Huh. That is going to look
so good
on your college application.
Hey, Ritchie, have you decide
what you're going to get me
for my birthday?
I'm going to make you a card.
Oh.
Well, I love your cards,
but maybe you're old enough now
to start giving Daddy a gift
with those awesome cards
of yours.
But the card is a gift.
Mmm, not really, sweetie.
Okay, all right.
It's time for Daddy
and New Christine to go
so Mommy can bake a cake.
All right, we'll
see you later.
Bye. Thanks for your help.
Oh, sure.
I love you, Ritchie,
no matter what you get me.
But I know it'll be
something great. Get psyched.
Get out.
No.
I want to get him something
with my own money.
Well, uh, how much do you have?
I don't have any money.
But... how did you think
you were going to get a gift?
I don't know.
I'm freaking out.
Okay. Calm down.
There's another option.
Come here.
Now, I'm going
to show you something,
but you can't let anyone know
that I showed you.
Is it a chicken?
Why do you always guess chicken?
Voila.
The crappy gift cupboard.
Whenever anyone gets one of us
a lame present, it goes here,
where it will never disappoint
anyone ever again.
Why are there so many
ice cream makers?
Because it turns out you can buy
ice cream already made.
Hey, check this out.
A complete magician kit.
I could do a magic show
for Dad's present.
Do you think he'd like that?
Uh, to put it this way--
I would love to see his face
when you give it to him.
This is better than a chicken.
Ooh, hey,
the crappy gift cupboard.
Hey, grab me one of those
ice cream makers.
I'm going to wrap it up
for Richard's birthday.
I think he gave that to you.
Yeah, I know. We've given it
back and forth four times.
It makes him so mad.
It's funny.
You're nice.
Oh, come on. I spent ten years
planning Richard's birthdays,
thinking of the perfect gift,
the perfect party,
the perfect way to wake him up.
(groans):
No.
Yeah, and let me
tell you something--
that's one torch I'm happy
to pass along to New Christine.
No!
Let's just say that the candles
aren't the only thing
getting...
Okay!
Come outside.
You've got
to see this.
What?
Come on! Come on!
What?
Come here, look.
You're not going to believe
What?
what New Christine
got me for my birthday.
I just heard,
and it's going to make my
gift look pretty lousy.
Isn't it beautiful?
I don't know what
I'm looking at.
It's a truck bed extender.
A truck bed extender.
You have always wanted
one of those.
It's not just an extender.
It's a cargo
management system.
I can put my cooler here,
my blueprints in here.
It has everything.
Does it have a
hard hat holder?
Does it have a hard
hat holder?
I think
he's making fun of you.
I am.
I think it's awesome.
It sure is.
It seems like a great gift.
Are you kidding?
It's the perfect gift.
It's the best gift
I've ever gotten.
The best gift
for the best boyfriend.
(both groan)
I'm blown away.
You put so much thought
into this.
No one's ever does that
on my birthday.
What, are you kidding me?
For ten years I made your
birthday a national holiday.
Yeah, but your gifts sucked.
What?
The weekend getaways,
the-the breakfast in bed.
I kissed that Asian woman
in front of you.
That was on your birthday.
Oh, yeah.
It was a good birthday.
The point is though,
that I've given you some pretty
spectacular birthdays.
Yeah, but you know what
this says to me?
This says she knows me.
She gets me.
I do get you.
We get each other.
This is the best birthday.
NEW CHRISTINE:
For the best boyfriend.
From the best girlfriend.
Well, the gift was my idea,
not New Christine.
Me-- original Christine.
What?
Well, you know, I mean, maybe
I shouldn't have said anything.
Maybe?
I mean, you know,
the important thing is
that you got something
that you love.
So be happy.
I mean, yeah, there are
contractors in Africa
who don't even have a
truck bed to extend.
That's true.
Or a truck.
Or a bed.
They drive
around in elephants.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
No one's stopping me.
I guess it doesn't matter
whose idea it was.
It's the gift that counts.
Don't you mean it's the
thought that counts?
Whatever.
Yeah, you know, whatever.
RICHARD:
It's okay.
You still wrote me a nice card.
You wrote that, right?
Yes.
Come on,
let's take it for a spin.
Hey... Happy birthday.
Um...
Get psyched!
Ooh, look, the, um...
the Halperns painted
their house.
What is that, green or...? Hmm.
So, you feel okay
about how that played out?
Yeah, I feel fine.
You wouldn't do anything
differently?
Maybe the opposite
of what you did.
No, I didn't do anything wrong.
I told the truth
and the truth is never wrong.
Well, you lie
about your age.
And that's something I'm going
to try not to do in my 30s.
I see.
I mean, it's
not my fault
New Christine chose to
deceive her boyfriend,
then tried to
turn it around on me.
Oh, is that what happened
out there?
Yeah, pretty much.
Why couldn't you just
let Richard think
the gift was
New Christine's idea?
I don't know,
it just made me mad.
The way they were talking about
her being the best girlfriend
and him being
the best boyfriend.
You know, what about me?
Well, you're neither
of those things.
You're a 55-year-old
pathological liar.
She is only the
perfect girlfriend
because of me, okay?
I think I deserve
some-some credit.
For what?
(scoffs):
For giving her
the perfect gift suggestion,
making her
the perfect girlfriend,
and for turning
that self-absorbed goon
into the best boyfriend
she has ever had.
I did all that.
Wait, is this the same man
who cracks up anytime anyone,
in any context,
says "number two"?
Okay, he's no James Bond,
all right, but, I mean,
things like... thoughtful gifts
and weekends away
and poems
on New Christine's pillow.
You know, I made him.
So you introduced him
to poetry?
Yeah, among other things, yes.
You don't know any poetry.
I know poetry.
"Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick, Jack jump
over the candlestick."
That's a nursery rhyme.
It's poetry, okay,
and the point is
New Christine would not
have looked twice at that guy
if it wasn't for me.
I mean, what does it matter?
(sighs)
Matthew, it's like an artist
who takes an empty canvas
and creates
this beautiful painting,
and when he's finished,
he puts his signature
right there in the corner.
And then when people walk
through the museum
and they look at this
gorgeous painting,
they say, "Oh, I like that.
That's a," um...
Uh...
Can't think of an
artist, can you?
Okay, that's not the point.
The point is
I want people to know
that the boyfriend
that Richard is today
is because of me,
all right?
That dimwitted chimp
is my masterpiece.
Maybe save that
for the birthday toast.
Sir, if you'll
just let me know
when the birthday boy
gets here,
I'll start bringing out
the appetizers.
The birthday boy is here.
You're the birthday boy?
Yep, the big four-one.
What's four-one stand for?
Forty-one.
And you're celebrating?
Just bring the
appetizers please.
Right away.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey, there they are.
Hey.
(chuckles)
You rented this whole room?
Yeah, remember last year?
That guy at the other table
had a birthday
and totally stole my thunder.
He was eight.
He was a jackass.
Hey, what do
you got there?
Is that
my present?
Yup. Hey, Mom,
can I go get it ready?
Yeah, yeah,
sure, honey.
Ooh,
it requires assembly.
I'm going to like it.
No, you're not.
What?
Happy birthday.
Where's New
Christine?
I don't know.
She should be here by now.
I'm getting a little worried.
And she's not answering
her phone.
Maybe she's upset.
Why would she be upset?
I wonder why she'd be upset,
Christine.
Me? How would I know?
I don't know what goes on
in their stupid relationship.
He probably said
something stupid.
I probably did.
She's mad at Christine
for telling you
about the truck bed extender.
It was embarrassing.
Yeah, why did you have
to tell me about that?
That was mean.
And she's sensitive.
I'm sensitive.
I think you're sitting
on a fork.
Oh... thanks.
You had to be mean
to her on my birthday.
I wasn't trying to be mean.
It was my idea.
BOTH (groaning):
We know.
(sighs)
Fine, I'll apologize
when she gets here.
Happy birthday, Dad.
Hey!
It's an old-time villain.
No, I'm a magician.
I'm going to escape
from shackles and a sack.
Why?
It's your present.
Mm, not really, sweetie.
Oh... he loves it.
Go do your
trick, honey.
I will require the help
of my lovely assistant.
I'm the lovely assistant.
Hi.
Oh, look,
she's here.
Good.
Everything's fine.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Hi, sweetie,
I was getting a little...
I made a cake.
Oh... but...
I made my lemon Jell-O cake.
I make it every year.
Well, this year,
I made a cake, too.
Ah, well,
that's another idea
you got from me.
I didn't realize you invented
the birthday cake, Christine.
You must be even older
than I thought.
Baby, is everything all right?
Would somebody like
to test my shackles?
I'll test your shackles.
Shackles have been tested.
Behold!
My assistant will now...
Lovely assistant.
...lovely assistant
will now help me
into the airtight sack.
(mouthing)
Look, I don't care
if you baked a cake, too.
It's just that Richard
loves my lemon Jell-O cake.
It's kind of
a tradition.
Well, maybe it's time
for a new tradition.
Maybe it's time for my
triple-berry layer cake
with buttercream frosting.
Here, Richard,
try some.
It's not time for cake yet;
we haven't even had dinner.
Try the damn cake,
Richard.
Yum.
Oh, fine.
So your cake is good.
So what?
It's not a competition.
Okay, try mine.
Also yum.
So I guess
you both make great cakes.
It's a new birthday tradition.
All my women feed me cake.
I like it.
But which cake is better,
Richard, if you had to pick?
I don't have to pick.
He doesn't have to pick.
Pick, Richard. Which is it?
My new, moist, young cake
or Christine's old,
dried out, bitter cake?
(gasps)
How dare you?
My cake is not dried out,
all right?
The Jell-O makes it moist.
Oh, crap.
I think I'm stuck.
Assistant!
I'm here. Let
me just, uh,
Could you-- can you--
do you have it?
Now the lovely assistant will
take this sack of magician
to the kitchen to see
if they have scissors.
RITCHIE:
Behold!
So which is it?
(laughs)
Come on.
We don't want any fighting
on my special day.
Look, Richard.
I know you and this old, sour
cake have a lot of history.
But you need to decide
if you're ready for a new cake.
Because if you're not, there are
plenty of men out there
who would love to get a piece.
Yeah, well, old cake does
just fine, all right?
I mean,
maybe not so much lately,
but that's only because old cake
gets tired at night.
I like both cakes.
One cake is
the mother of my child.
The other cake is
my wonderful new girlfriend.
Equally delicious.
Damn it,
how long am I going to be new?
New girlfriend,
new cake, New Christine.
When are you going to let go
and let me just be Christine?
Why is it always a competition
with you?
Hey, you came to me for help.
And you had to let everybody
know that it was your idea.
You couldn't let me have
this one thing.
Yeah, well, it was my idea.
BOTH:
We know!
Well, it was.
Look, I don't care
whose cake he eats, okay?
I just thought I deserved
a little credit.
And maybe a thank you.
For giving me the idea?
(scoffs)
For building you
the perfect boyfriend.
The romantic poems,
the thoughtful getaways,
the blouses.
All that sweet, caring crap
that he does for you--
I taught him all that, okay?
So thank me!
You're kind of bringing down
the party.
Okay.
You're right.
You do deserve some credit.
I do?
Richard is a great boyfriend
and I know that you are
responsible for a lot of that.
Well, yes, I am.
And I appreciate
your being mature enough
to acknowledge my role in it.
So thank you.
Thank you for making Richard the
terrific man that he is today.
You're most welcome.
See?
That's all I wanted.
Great.
Back to the birthday.
But if you want
to take credit for Richard,
you can't just take credit
for the good things.
You have to take credit
for everything.
What are you talking about?
Uh-oh.
Well, because of you,
Richard has intimacy issues.
It took him three dates
to sleep with me
but six months to tell me
that he loved me.
So thank you for that.
Okay, well, I don't think
that that has anything...
And thanks to you,
the only way Richard knows how
to make a point in
a conversation is by yelling.
All right, well, he
didn't learn that from me!
Will you stop fighting?!
Both cakes are good!
And were you the one
who let him believe
that baby talk
in bed was sexy?
It's a wittle sexy.
(whispering):
Oh, my.
So if you want the credit
for Richard, take it.
All of it.
(clears throat)
I just wanted him to know
that I thought of a good gift.
And he does, so you win.
You've known him longer,
you know him better.
You're the original.
Happy?
(accordion playing)
* Happ... *
No, no, no, no.
Not yet, not yet.
No, I'm not
happy, okay?
Maybe I was a little petty.
A wittle?
Stop it.
Okay, I was petty.
I'm sorry...
Christine.
Thank you.
Okay.
(clears throat)
All right.
There you go.
(clears throat)
I'm not actually much
of a hugger myself.
I have... my own intimacy
issues, so, um...
Why can't you just
let her hug you?!
I'm letting her hug me!
Behold!
Ooh!
Yay!
That's not really
my present, right?
(groans)
He's all yours.