The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 13 - Endless Shrimp, Endless Night - full transcript

Everything looks so good.

What should I get,
the Seaside Trio
or the Seafood Platter?

Oh, what am I talking about?

One of them is so big,
they serve it on a platter,
for God's sakes.

I'm going platter.
What about you?
What are you getting?

Nauseous. I just ate lunch like
a half hour ago.

Why did you, if you knew
we were going out to dinner?

It's 4:30 in the afternoon.
I don't even think they're open
yet.

God, why are we here?

My clock's a little off.

Since Barb and I became
partners, I've taken
the morning shift at the gym.



I have to open it up at 6 a.m.
It's killing me.

-Why don't you take the night?
-Better in the morning.

-You're terrible in the morning.
-Have you seen me at night?

Anyway, I've been getting up
earlier and earlier to do that.

I've gotta get Ritchie off to
school and I've gotta do stuff
at the house.

By the time the afternoon
comes around, I'm done.

Anyway, this place is great.

They've got a bottomless basket
of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

Bottomless.

How do you know the menu
so well?

-How often do you come here?
-Not often.

Oh, hey, Christine.
I like your haircut.

Yeah, because I went
to your guy, Liz.

You were right about him too.
He's a good shampooer.



Okay, so I've been here a couple
of times. My clock is off, okay?

Oh, by the way,
it's your birthday today.

Your clock is way off.
My birthday was a month ago.

Yeah. I know
when your birthday is.

Yeah, when is it?

Today, okay? Shut your mouth.

-You guys ready to order?
-Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna have
the Seafood Platter

and he's gonna have
the Ultimate Feast.

Oh, and by the way,
it's his birthday today...

...so I guess
we'll be getting that free cake.

You know, we don't really give
out free cake on your birthday.

I just did it for you
because you got so upset.

Yeah, but now, it's his birthday
and I promised him...

...and told him about it
on the ride here...

...and now you're just gonna cut
him off, just like that?

Okay. I'll get the cake.

You're a doll.

Happy birthday.

Oh, God.
I should've ordered some coffee.

This is great.

Like going out with Grandma...

...but without the bourbon
and the stealing of
the salt shakers.

Fine.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-Red Lobster?
-It's so good.

Hey, you wanna go tomorrow?
Say it's your birthday.

You took me there last week
for my birthday.

Yeah? Now we'll say
it's our anniversary.

It's time they started
giving cake for that too.

So is Ritchie ready to go?

I think so.
He's getting his stuff together.

He's gonna be so excited.
Tomorrow, I'm taking him to the
job site.

-Whose job site?
-My job site.

It's a huge job too.

There's gonna be a backhoe,
and a jackhammer

and a steamroller.

I'm gonna drive it over a
garbage can. It will be awesome.

You know, last time you took him
there, he didn't like it.

Remember the accident?

Oh, please, there was
no accident.

Our son lost
the tip of his finger.

He got a splinter.

Then he got a scab
which fell off.

Fell off of what?
The tip of his finger.

He was traumatized, Richard.

They had to draw turkeys
in class.

He was too ashamed
to trace his hand.

You see, this is exactly
why I wanna take him to my job.

-You know what he said?
-What?

He said when he grows up,
he wants to run a women's gym.

Aw.

No, not "aw", "ew."

What woman's gonna wanna join a
gym run by a creepy man with
half a finger?

He's coming to work with me
tomorrow. He'll love it.

-Hey, Dad.
-Hey, pal.

Guess who gets to go
to work with me?

-Who?
-You.

(screaming)

He's excited.

(loud music)

What is--? What is happening?

Matthew?

Matthew?

What?

Will you turn down
your stupid music?

Jeez, it's the middle of the
night. I'm trying to sleep.

That's not music.
It's the ice-cream truck.

Oh.

It's still daytime.
You went to bed 20 minutes ago.

What? Oh, my God.

What's happening?
I have no life anymore.

God, I go from work
to Red Lobster to bed.

-What is today?
-Saturday.

Ooh. Seafood Sampler Saturday.

Stop it.
What's happening to you?

Matthew, I gotta get
out of this house.

I don't know if it's safe,
it's almost dusk.

Come on. What are you doing
tonight?

God, I'm busy. I got a party.

Perfect. A party.

That's what I need
to get me out of my rut.

No, no. You can't come with me.

My friends will be there,
they'll see you.

Come on, please? I'm in trouble.

I get up before the paper comes,
I go to bed before my 9 year
old...

...and I'm eating three cups of
drawn butter a day.

I need help.

Okay, you can come.
But, you know, you can't
embarrass me.

If you mention any fest,
lobster or otherwise, we're out
of there.

Yeah, deal, deal.
This is good, yeah.

It's just what I need,
one night out that'll reset
my clock.

Everything will get back
to normal.

You think we're gonna be
out past 9?

Because if we are, I'm gonna
need to bring my calcium
supplements.

Look, I know you had a bad
experience last time you came to
work with me.

The accident?

It was a splinter.

I think you and your mom have
made this into a bigger deal
than it is.

Come on, it will be good
for you.

You'll come to work with me
and see it's not dangerous.

Hey, I'll let you use
the nail gun.

I don't feel good.
Maybe I should sleep here
tonight.

You don't feel good, huh?
Alright.

We'll hang out here, and if you
feel better, we'll take it from
there.

And in the meantime,
look what I got for you.

Huh?

Why don't you try it on?

It hurts.

It's not even touching
your head yet.

-It's sharp.
-It's not sharp, it's a hardhat.

Well, it's hard.

Okay, we'll just take it slow.

Matthew. I'm completely
overdressed for this party.
Why didn't you tell me?

Well, you're over a lot of
things for this party.

I didn't think
it was polite to point it out.

Oh, hey. The Squib's here.

Oh, good, can't have a party
without The Squid.

Hi, Squid.

Hey.

-It's "Squib."
-Oh, right.

Yeah, talk to me like that,
because Squid would be a stupid
name.

So you went to Stanford
with all these people?

Nope, I did go to Berkeley
with all these people.

Oh, right.
God, I'm a little nervous.

It's good music. Huh?

* Pum pum pum *

* Pum pum pum *

Ah.

I'm telling you right now,
if you booty pop at this
party...

...you're walking home.

God. Alright.

I don't get out that much.

What is that smell?

Matthew....

Matthew?

(sniffs)

Is that weed?

Ah.

-Hey, bud.
-Hey.

-You feeling a little better?
-No. What's that?

Just some wood and building
materials I found in the garage.

What are you gonna do?

-Nothing you'd be interested in.
-Okay.

Hey, Ritchie, wanna get the
door for me?

Okay.

Thank you.

So you're probably looking at
that and thinking it's just a
pile of wood.

But to a contractor like me,
it can be anything you want.

-What do you want it to be?
-I don't know. Pile of wood.

Something else.

A puppy.

Sweetie, it can't be a puppy.

-A fish.
-It can't be a fish.

It's gotta be something
made of wood.

Oh, okay.

-A tree.
-You know it can't be a tree.

Ritchie, you know
what I'm trying to get at here.

You don't have to go
to the job site tomorrow...

...but I'd like you to help me
build so I can show you how cool
my job is.

Because maybe it's something
you'd be interested in.

Yeah? So let's build something.

-Could we build a car?
-Yes.

Thank you, God. Great idea.

-Let's build a car.
-Can I wear gloves?

-Sure.
-Can I wear a costume?

No, Ritchie. No, you may not.

Oh, come on. Even if the U.S.
did ratify the Kyoto Protocol...

...it'd take years to undo the
environmental devastation we've
caused.

Yeah. You know what
that's called?

That's an Inconvenient Truth.

What are you talking about?

You know, the movie
about the environment?

With Al Gore?
It's an important film.

Yeah, I know, I contributed some
of the research for the
Greenland study.

Oh, I...

...didn't actually see it yet.

But I heard it's good,
so congrats.

Yeah.

God, I bet Greenland was cold,
huh?

I mean, not as cold as it used
to be, but, you know....

So that's....

That's....

Hi.

-Hi.
-Hey.

(speaks foreign language)

What is that? German?

-Come on, we're leaving.
-What? Why?

There's someone here
I don't wanna see.

Oh, yeah. The Germans?

No. No, Tori.

I used to go out with her
until she dumped me.

-Oh, which one is she?
-Yes.

The beautiful one?

You're kidding me.
She went out with you?

Thank you. That helps me.

Listen, like--

-Crap, she saw me.
-What? Matthew.

Matthew? What's going on?

-I've never seen you like this.
-It's a long story.

I was in love with her.
I thought she was the one.

Out of nowhere,
she broke up with me.

You were in love?
Where was I?

Well, most of it happened after
9 p.m., so you were in bed.

Oh, come on,
how come you never told me this?

Well, I mean, it was a while
ago. You were dealing with
Richard.

-I didn't wanna bother you.
-Bother me?

I'm your sister.
That's what I'm here for.

Christine, our relationship
is kind of a one-way street.

When you have a problem,
I listen.

When I have a problem,
that's a problem

because we're still on
your problems.

God, that makes me sound
so awful and shellfish.

You said shellfish.

No, I didn't. I said selfish.

I can't believe that's what you
think of me. I hate that.

-Let's just get out of here.
-No.

I feel like I don't know you.

I mean, you were in love, your
friends are German, your parties
are boring.

I mean, I didn't know
any of this.

It's okay. I'm fine with the way
things are.

-It works for us.
-No, I don't accept that.

I'm your sister,
we need a new dynamic.

Yeah, no.
Let's go.

You can't run away
when you see her.

You lobster once, I'm not gonna
let you do it again.

You said lobster.

I'm starving.
There's not even any food here.

-I don't think I can do this.
-Yes, of course you can.

Just go over there
and act natural.

Don't let her know
she got to you, okay?

Because there's nothing a woman
likes more than a guy she didn't
get to.

-Really?
-I don't know.

Just don't let her know
that she hurt you, okay?

Really, after my divorce,
I didn't let anybody see my
pain.

Are you kidding me? You laid in
bed, sobbing and tearing at your
clothes.

But nobody saw me.

I saw you.

But nobody else saw me, okay?

Come on, Matthew, you're funny,
you're smart, you're
good looking.

I mean, and what is she?
She's nothing.

She's undersecretary
of Environmental Affairs...

...for the state of California.

Oh, really?

And she's so pretty.

Boy, is she something.

-Stop.
-Go.

Hey, chuckles, you know
what time it is?

Seven forty-five.

That's all?

God, why is life so long?

-Hey, Tori.
-Hi, Matthew.

Hey, Tori.

I got here late.
I thought I'd miss you.

Oh, my God, I miss you too.
I think about you all the time.

What? No, I said I wasn't sure
I'd see you.

I thought I'd miss you.

I miss you too.

So, what do you think so far?

-This is fun.
-See?

Shows what a little hard work
and imagination can do.

Tomorrow, we'll flatten it with
a steamroller.

I wanna be a contractor.

You do?

Wow. This is intense.

Come on, let's get her out
in the street and see
what she can do.

Splinter.

(screams)

-Hey.
-Hey. Hey.

Hey, how'd it go?

I didn't let her see
she got to me.

Oh, good.

I did cry in front of her
and tell her I love her.

Okay. I'm gonna go talk to her.

What? No, you can't.
She thinks I'm pathetic.

Now I'm gonna send my sister in
there? Let's get out of here.

No, no, no. I'm good at this,
okay? Let me help you.

-This is our new dynamic.
-No. No.

We're done with that.
I'm just gonna get my coat,
you stay.

What--? No--

Hey, good party, huh?

-I guess.
-Yeah.

So I saw you were talking to
Matthew.

Yeah. Why?

No, it's no reason.

It's just that I-- I get a
little jealous

because he's my boyfriend.

And he's....

He's hot.

He's your brother.
Christine, I've met you before.

Oh, damn it.

I've gotta pay closer attention.
Okay, look....

Tori, that was stupid. I know.

But I just want you to know that
I think you're wrong about
Matthew.

Really. I mean, he's such
a great guy.

He's thoughtful
and he's selfless.

You know, when I was going
through my divorce...

...I was having really bad time
and Matthew helped me through
it, totally.

I mean, he'd like sit on the
edge of my bed and he'd read
Self Magazine to me.

And one time...

...he painted a face on his
tummy and he put on this tummy
puppet show.

And....

Oh, God, we watched
Under The Tuscan Sun...

...like, you know, 50 times.

And he'd start crying
and then I'd go, and--

Oh, you know, I'm just--

What I'm trying to tell you
is that he's a good man.

He sounds like a good woman.

And you sound like a mess.

Alright, fair enough.

Hi.

I accidentally might have
talked to Tori...

...and made things
just a smidge worse.

You spoke to her after I told
you not to? What did you say?

Well, you know,
I just tried to talk you up.

You know, I told her how you
helped me through my divorce.

Oh, no.

The tummy puppet show?

-I told her that.
-Self Magazine?

Uh, I don't know, I may have
mentioned that.

Under The Tuscan Sun?

-No. I have a brain in my head--
-Oh, you told her.

Matthew, I'm sorry, okay?
I think it's sweet.
I was trying to help.

That makes me look like
a weenie.

No. She doesn't think
you're a weenie.

She thinks you're a woman.

-Oh, my God.
-A good woman.

You're unbelievable.

I asked you to stay
out of this.

No, I did it for you.

No, you did it for you.
Because you're shellfish.

-Oh, you just said--
-I know what I just said.

Christine?

(screams)

What are you doing?

Oh, God, I just took
a little nap.

Hey, you know that smell
from before?

Definitely weed.

So where were you?

With Tori. We went for a walk.

Oh, really? That's good.
Was it good?

No. She spent time checking her
e-mail on her cell phone...

...until I mentioned I was going
to med school, then she got
interested.

-Ew.
-I know.

So did you tell her
to get lost?

No, I made out with her.

Oh, so you're back together?

No, but she told me to give her
a call when I was done with med
school.

-But you're not gonna?
-Yeah, I probably will.

Oh, so did I help at all?

Not even a little bit.
But thanks.

Matthew, I'm sorry. I promise
I'm gonna try to pay closer
attention to your life.

I'm gonna be a better sister.

Come on, I'll buy you
a bucket of fish.

You're so good to me.

-Is it feeling any better?
-No.

-It's still throbbing.
-Oh.

So did you have any fun tonight?

I can't remember anything
before the accident.

Richard? Ritchie?

What are you guys doing here?
It's the middle of the night.

It's 10 to 9.

Come on, it was 10 to 9 two
hours ago.

Why's it so cold in here?

It's alright, Grandma.
You're just getting near the
end.

Hey, what happened
to your finger?

It's just a splinter.

How'd it happen?

I don't remember anything
before the accident.

Nothing? Good.

Today's your birthday.

Let's see what else
they have on a platter.

For some reason,
I'm starving.

What do you smell like?

A party.