The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 9 - Mission: Impossible - full transcript

No, I've tried
that already.

My Internet is not
responding at all.

Oh, I should go to your web site
for online support?

And, uh, do you suggest
I use a tin can and a string

to connect to your web site?

Yes, that's sarcasm.

Yes, I'll hold.

Matthew, just hang up.

We don't need the Internet.

And the only thing you use it
for is to Google yourself.

Hey, pal, where are you going?



Back to the wife and kids?

Daddy's picking me up.
Is he here yet?

Is he on his way?
Should I go wait outside?

Ritchie, relax, okay?

Daddy doesn't pick you up
till Friday.

Yeah, but it's
only Tuesday.

It's Thursday.

It is?
Yeah.

Wait, is it next Thursday
or last Thursday?

I'm just lost
without my Internet.

So I have to wait
until tomorrow?

You know, sweetie,
when you say that,

it kind of makes me feel
like you'd rather be with Daddy

than be here with me.



That's not true,
is it, sweetie?

You like being with Mommy

as much as you like being
with Daddy, right?

Ouch.

Oh, come on.
We have a great time here.

In fact, this afternoon,

how would you like
to go play mini golf?

With Daddy?

Ouch.

No, with me.

Sure. Can Daddy come?

Ouch.

No, it's gonna be
just you and me.

Yeah, fun. Go get your jacket.

Oh, wait a minute,
sweetheart.

Have you finished your homework?
Most of it.

Oh, well, before we go play,

you need to finish
your homework and then

we're gonna have
a lot of fun.

Oh, wait, darling.

Did you write that thank you
note to Grandma

for that thing
that smells like Grandpa?

Not yet.

Okay, well, then
go finish your homework,

write the the thank-you note,
and then we'll go play mini golf

and have a lot of fun.

Fine.
Okay.

Oh, Ritchie, wait,
wait, wait.

Um,

You need to get
started building

that California
mission project.

It's due on Monday.

Anything else?

No, just finish
your homework,

write that thank-you note
to Grandma,

get started on
the mission project,

and then we are gonna
have so much fun,

I wouldn't be surprised
if the Fun Police came

and put us in fun jail
and threw away the fun key.

Will Daddy be in fun jail?

Ouch.

Okay, so, Ritchie,
go put your backpack away

and I'll see you later,
okay, bud?

Hey, Mom?
Yeah?

Today's Friday, right?

Yeah, Ritchie,
you just asked me that.

Yay! Friday!

What happens on Friday?

Does the check come?

No, he, uh,
he goes with his Dad.

They go to the movies,
play laser tag, stay up late,

and for some reason,
he really looks forward to it.

And you're all alone?

How do you fill that hole?

There's no hole.

Wine.

So how's Ritchie's
mission project coming along?

You know it's due on Monday.

Yeah, I know.
It's coming along.

He's gathering materials,
brainstorming.

What, you mean, he hasn't
even started yet?

Christine, it's
the mission project.

Yeah, I know.
He's got two days.

Oh, no.

What?

It's the most important
project of the year.

The mission model
is the culmination

of the whole semester
on California history.

I mean, if your child's
a subpar, well,

that'll haunt him for
the rest of his school career.

Come on. It's fourth grade.

When I was in fourth grade,

I was still making retainers
out of paper clips

and practicing kissing
my pillow.

Well, I'm sure
that pillow still gets

a lot of attention,
Christine.

Look, you're at a top
Los Angeles private school.

Everyone of these
kid is competing

for the same few spots
at the top high schools.

High school?
Yeah.

Where they'll be competing

for the same few spots
at the top colleges.

College?

You're thinking
about college already?

I still bite his tushie
when he gets out of the shower.

Should we tell her
about you-know-who?
No.

Who's you-know-who?

Ugh, fine. Eh.

We have a mission guy.

Seth, he works
at the crafts store.

For the right price,
he'll build your kid's mission.

Guaranteed "A"
or your money back.

Are you kidding me?
That's unethical.

Shouldn't the kids
do their own work?

That's sort of a lazy
approach to parenting,

isn't it, Christine?

Are you still on hold?

Yeah, yeah,
but it's getting better.

I went through a three-hour
block of jazzy standards,

but now we're into
The Best of Bread.

Uh, what's all
that stuff?

It's art supplies
for Ritchie's mission project.

It's due on Monday,

which means they're gonna
have to work on it

all weekend long at Richard's.

That means no movies,
no laser tag, no fun.

(chuckles smugly)

You're a nice person.

Come on.

I'm tired of always having
to be the responsible parent.

Oh, here's my razor.

Why don't you just hang up?

You know, I think I will.
To hell with this, huh?

Right.

Ooh, Christopher Cross,

"Arthur's Theme."

God, I wish I had someone
to make love to right now.

Hi.

I hope that wasn't
my last wish.

Is Ritchie ready yet?

Yeah. You guys know what you're
doing this weekend, right?

Yeah. I'm taking him
to the USC game. He loves it.

Well, he loves peeing
in that trough.

And then we're going
to the science museum.

He loves peeing there, too.

Sorry to have to ruin
all that urinary fun,

but Ritchie's mission project
is due on Monday

and he hasn't even
started it yet.

That's okay.

He can do it here when I bring
him back Sunday night.

I mean, this is
the homework house.

No, no, no.
It's too late.

I don't wanna be
the homework house.

This weekend, you get to be
the homework house.

Can't happen.

A) I live in an apartment,

and B) I'm naturally fun.

Richard, this is important.

Christine, come on.
It's fourth grade.

Richard, this is
private school, okay?

It's very competitive.

If he doesn't do well
on this project,

he could wind up
at some...

two-year junior college
in Nevada.

I went to a two-year
junior college in Nevada.

Oh, I see what
you're doing.

Okay, we'll do
the project.

Okay, thank you very much.
Alright.

I'm gonna check and see
if Ritchie's ready.

Hey, Ritchie?
Your dad...

Bye, Mom.

I-I love you, honey.

No, darling, no.

You have to stay at Daddy's
the whole weekend.

(horn honking)

He'll be fine.

(horn continues honking)

(music playing over phone)

WOMAN:
Thank you for your patience.
Can I help you?

Oh.

Hello?

Uh, Matthew!

Your, uh... your-your friend
is on the phone.

Don't, don't hang up!
Don't hang up! I'm coming.

Hello.
Yes, hi. I'm here.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I've just been
on hold forever.

No, no, that's not a criticism.

Yes, I'll hold.

Hey, hey, check this out.

(fishing reel whirring,
water splashes)

(laughs)

I don't know what this is.

This is a bass fishing
video game.

I got it for Ritchie.

Richard's not the only one
who knows how to have

fun.

Whoo, whoo.

He might be.

Oh, come on.

Bass fishing is, like, the
biggest sport in the country

next to NASCAR.

It's a good thing
you didn't get him

one of those race-car games.
Kids hate that.

I just want him to be excited
about coming back here

after being with Richard.

I don't want this to be
the homework house all the time.

Ooh, "Islands in the Stream."

I sing the hell out of this.

Well, sing it outside.
You're gonna scare the fish.

Hey.
Oh, hi.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Great.
The Trojans crushed UCLA.

And Ritchie dropped the giant
foam finger in the trough.

I decided
to throw it out.

Good idea.

I still have that pee finger
from the Dodger game.

So you still made it
to the game.
Yeah.

How'd it go with the mission?

The California mission.

Ritchie's school project.

The one that's due tomorrow.

Oh, shoot!
Oh, no! No.

Christine,
I'm really sorry.

Oh, I knew it.

Oh, we just were
having so much fun,

I totally forgot.

Which is exactly why
I couldn't hack it

in junior college,
by the way.

Richard,
this is not a joke, okay?

I told you
how important this is.

And the worst part is it's not
you who's gonna suffer,

it's your son.

It's due tomorrow,
and it's almost bedtime.

Maybe he could turn it in
a day late.

And what kind of lesson
does that teach him exactly?

A due date is a due date.

I mean, you have a job.

What happens if you show up
to work a day late

or you don't finish something
that you promised to?

I'm a contractor.

Alright, that's a bad example.
What can I do?

Nothing. We're just gonna
have to build it tonight.

Tonight?
He's exhausted.

Yes, and I'm exhausted, too.

I just reeled in a 40-pound
bass this afternoon.

But we're gonna have
to do it anyway,

because that's what we do
at the homework house.

Oh, I just hate being
the homework house.

Boy, I feel partly
responsible for this.

You're entirely responsible
for this.

Yeah, so, what?
Do you want me to stick around?

That would be nice.

So... yes?

Please.

Because I will, if...

Alright, just go.

I feel so bad.
It sounds like
a lot of work...

Just go.
See you later.

Sweetie.

Is it Friday?

No, honey, it's Sunday.

And you have to do
your homework.

I'm tired.

I know, darling,
but you've known

about this project
for weeks.

You're no fun.

Well, it's not my job
to be fun.

Well, then you're
good at your job.

Ouch.

(whispering):
Matthew, are you up?

(whispering loudly):
Matthew!

What is it? Is it
tech support?
Are they here?

(music playing on phone)
What? No.

I need your help.

Look at Ritchie's mission.

Maybe he'll marry well.

That does not run
in our family.

I swore I wouldn't be one
of those parents

who did their kid's work
for them,

but, I mean, look at this thing.

We got to build Ritchie
a mission. Come on.

(hold music stops)

(music resumes)

Ooh, that was scary.

I've been waiting for so long,
but when it looked like

it was actually happening
I realized I wasn't ready.

Same thing happened to me
on prom night with Allan Rice.

You know, you don't have
to tell me everything.

Worked my boobs like he was
making a pizza crust.

That's not everything.

(music continues playing
on phone)

Okay, what do we know
about missions?

Well, we know they
don't look like tepees.

Right. And we know there's a
bell on the outside

of the Mission
tortilla chips bag.

What else?

Uh, sometimes a recipe
for guacamole.

Come on, didn't Mom and Dad
take us to a mission once?

Well, we went to the Alamo,
I think that's a mission.

So what was that like?

Oh, I don't remember.

Hey, I don't remember the Alamo.

(snorts, laughs)

Come on, focus.
Focus.

(clears throat)
This is important.

This is Ritchie's education.

I'm gonna make
some guacamole.

(music continues on phone)

Mission...

Missionary...

Ooh, missionary
position.

Does that do anything for us?

Never did anything for me.

Really, knock it off.

Alright, you know what?

I hate to do this,
but we need help.

Charles?
I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean to yell at you.
I was just frustrated.

Just come back to bed
and we'll try it again.

Charles?

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hi, um, Marly?

Uh, hi,
this is Christine Campbell.

I'm so sorry to call you
so late,

but I really need the name
of your mission guy.

I thought you said
it was unethical.

What do I know about ethics?

On prom night, I let Allan Rice
plow me like a Iowa cornfield.

Seriously!

It's true.

Anyway, do you have that number?

Well, Christine, it's too late.

The mission guy needs
a four-day turnaround.

Now I'm on the phone.

What?
No, n-n-n-no, not you. Him.

Just keep talking to me.

Uh, well, well, that was it,
I guess.

Um, sorry to bother you.

I-I'll see you
at school tomorrow. Bye. Ugh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

No, no, I can talk.

(whispers):
I'm sorry.

Yeah, uh-huh.

No mission guy.
So what do we do?

We're gonna have to buckle
down and do this ourselves.

It's for
Ritchie's education.

Do you feel
like a margarita?

Yeah.

(music continues on phone)

Okay, so if you had to do it
with one of Mom's friends,

who would it be?

That's easy. Mrs. O'Hara.

Wha-- ha! You're kidding me.
No.

She was sweet and she had
this really pretty voice,

and her house always smelled
like cinnamon.

Oh... that's so nice.

Plus, she had giant boobs.

Oh, you're disgusting.

I'm disgusting?

I could write a book
about the many ways

Allan Rice violated you
on prom night.

Yeah, I have photos
for that book, too.

You know what sucks?

This mission.

The fact that you're up
at 3:00 in the morning

panicking about a fourth grade
school project.

You're doing exactly
what you said you wouldn't.

I know, but Marly and Lindsay
are right, okay?

Private school
is very competitive.

I mean, if Ritchie was
at his old school,

he could have just turned
in that tepee,

they'd make him
a teacher.

(sighs)

I mean, I just-- I want him
to get into a good high school

and get into a good college
and be really successful.

Really? Since when did you care
about all that?

I don't.

I just want him to like me.

What?

I want him to like me.

Aw.

More than Richard.

(groaning):
Oh...

Don't judge me.

Parenting is not a
popularity contest.

Yes, it is,
and I am losing.

You're not a parent,
you don't know.

Plus, I think it's very brave
of me to admit my true feelings.

Most people wouldn't.

Most people shouldn't.

MAN (over phone):
Hello, this is Sandeep
in tech support, can I help you?

Hey!

(dial tone)

I might have pushed
the wrong button.

Mm-hmm.

(startled):
Oh. I'm still here.

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Well, considering our only
research was a...

bag of tortilla chips
and a bottle of tequila,

I think it's fantastic.

Good morning.

He...

What is that?

It's a mission.

What's that?

A mission.

Why do you have
a mission?

I felt bad that I forgot
about Ritchie's project.

You seemed really upset,
so I went home and built this.

Well, first I had sex with New
Christine, and then I built it.

Why do I need
the details?

I don't know.

Just had a good night,
and I wanted you to know.

So now I've spent
72 hours on hold

and seven hours building
this crappy mission.

This is the worst weekend

since I had to scratch
under Grandma's cast.

God, Richard.

What?

I thought this would
make you happy.

That you're doing
Ritchie's work for him?

You did Ritchie's work for him.

(scoffs):
I didn't do a good job.

Real tile and
two bell towers.

Damn it.

What? Are you mad?

No, I'm happy.

Oh. It's hard for me
to tell anymore.

Yes, I'm mad.

Stupid.

Now I'm picking up on it.
Why are you mad?

Because, once again,
you've trumped me, Richard.

I mean, your house is more fun,

your weekends
are more entertaining,

your mission doesn't...
reek of tequila.

(sighs)

What are you talking about?

Friday is Ritchie's
favorite day,

and I don't blame him.

Because all week long,
I'm trying to get him

to do his homework
and clean his room

and write thank you notes.

I mean, this
house is a drag.

I even hate it here.

Then he goes
to your house

and it's all foam
fingers and urinals.

(sighs)

No wonder he
likes you better.

Christine, you know what Ritchie
calls my house?

What?
The fun house.

Okay, Richard, you don't
understand the problem.

And you know what he calls
your house?
What?

Home.

I have to make it fun
when I'm with him

because I can't compete
with that.

I'm a vacation,
and vacations are great,

but after a while,
you can't wait to get home.

(clicks tongue):
Oh... God.

Richard, I'm...
I'm sorry.

I had no idea.

I'm actually winning.

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

Yeah, you are.

The only thing
that keeps me going

is that
when Ritchie goes home,

I have nearly constant sex
with New Christine.

Okay, well, we
can call it a tie.

Why couldn't I
bring Dad's mission?

Because you need
to do your own work.

But my mission stinks.

Well...

that's because you left it
till the last minute.

I'm sorry, I know it's
a hard lesson to learn,

but that's
what I'm here for.

I'm gonna go find
a spot for it.

Okay, bud.

Hey, don't worry, Ritchie,
it's only fourth grade.

And you might just get
another shot at it next year.

Hello, Christine.

(clears throat)

What have you
got there?

Oh.
Oh.

Looks like a tepee.

It's not a tepee.
It's a mission.

And what was the
mission exactly,

to keep him
out of college?

Mission accomplished.

Good luck to you.

(exhales)

These are really good.

Yeah, they are.

Hey, did I ever tell you

that your daddy went to
a two-year college in Nevada?

Can I go to a two-year college
in Nevada?

I think you can count on it.

Okay, let's go to school.

Okay.
Yeah.