The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 10 - What About Barb? - full transcript

Just for you.

You got me a present?

Yeah. You invested
all that money in the gym.

You saved my ass.

You're co-owner now.

You deserve something.

Come on. Open it!

A key.

That unlocks the front door

so you can come and go
whenever you want.

I know what a key does.



Where's my present?

That is the present.

You're so funny.

No, it's full access.

I want you to think
of the gym as your own.

I gave you $20,000.

I do think of it as my own.

Oh, and check this out.

Your new desk.

Oh, look at this.
It's so tiny.

Oh, look. I can
put my key on it,

and use it
as a key chain.

Yeah, it is kind of small.

All right, well, how about this?



How about,
whoever gets here first

can use the big desk.

Well, today, I got here
five minutes before you, so...

We'll start tomorrow.

Okay, let's go tell Ali
what's happening.

So, Ali,

kind of big news.

Barb has bought into the gym.

She is now a
co-owner with me,

and we'll be running
things together.

Did you get fired?

Because you peed
in the shower?

You peed in the shower?

It's not a big deal.

It might be the biggest deal
I've ever heard.

Oh, come on.
This is a gym,
not a restaurant.

Barb and I are
now co-owners,

and that means
we're co-bosses,

and that means
you have to listen
to both of us, okay?

Is that what it means?

Don't ask her.
I'm still your boss.

Is that true?

Okay, let's
just move on.

Oh, hey, honey.
Hi, Mom.

Hi.

Hey! That's my old desk
from kindergarten.

What are you
guys doing here?

I messed up my schedule.

I got to go to UCLA
to register for my classes.

Matthew, Ritchie
can't stay here.
I'm working.

Well, I can't take him with me.

Look, I can't leave Barb alone
at the gym. It's her first day.

She hasn't even gone
through orientation.

I have to orient her.

Women only, key
goes under the plant,

don't pee
in the shower.

Got it.

Take Ritchie.
I'll be fine.

Besides, it'll give me time
to organize my desk

and put away
my Scooby Doo lunchbox.

Okay, fine. But if
anything comes up,

you just call me,
all right? Ritchie!

Come on, sweetie pie.

I'm going to
take you home.
Okay.

Okay, call me.

I'm going to need February off.

Personal reasons.

Hey.
Hey.

Guys, if you're coming over
for dinner,

you've got
to give me more notice.

To give you time

to hide the boxes?

I only use that as a base,

and then I add
my own secret ingredients.

Pepper.

We need to borrow
your overnight bag.

Oh, we've been
divorced three years.

Get your own luggage.

Fine. Hang your
own Christmas lights.

It's in Matthew's room.

What do you need it for?

Our trip. Richard
won't tell me
where we're going.

He's so romantic.

Yeah, he is.

I remember once
he took me away on vacation,

he wouldn't tell me where.

It was camping.

With his parents.

In Death Valley.

Yeah. Before that trip,

they used to
call it Happy Valley.

Camping? Is that
where we're going?

No, don't tell me.
Is it?

No, I want to be
surprised. Is it?

Don't tell me.

I'm going to go say
good-bye to Ritchie.

So when are
you guys going away?

No, don't tell me.
Okay, tell me.

Friday.

Friday? What... what am I
supposed to do with Ritchie?

Matthew's busy, I've got
to stay with Barb at the gym,

I've been cooking all day,
I'm almost out of pepper.

This isn't a good time
for you to go away.

It's too late to cancel.
You knew about this.

Fine. Okay, I guess
I'll figure it out.

Where you guys going anyway?

So the bag's in Matthew's room?

Richard, come on.
I won't ruin the big surprise.

Where you guys going?

Somewhere up north.

Yeah? Napa? Monterey?

Uh...

Are you taking her
to the Big Sur Ranch?

Uh...

The place where we went
on our honeymoon

and every anniversary?

The Big Sur Ranch?

Is that the ranch near Big Sur?

Richard!

All right! We're going
to the Big Sur Ranch.

What? That's the place where
we consecrated our marriage.

That's the church
of our marriage.

You're taking your girlfriend
to our sacred marriage church?

Why do you care?

We're not married
anymore.

Remember the lawyers?
The arguments?

"I can't live
like this anymore!"

"We're growing apart."

"That mustache
doesn't help!"

And you said
some things, too.

Okay, fine. Go. Whatever.

But when you're there,
may you think of nothing else

but the time
we spent there together.

May you look
into New Christine's eyes

and see only me.

Are you putting
a curse on me?

Right.
If I had that kind of power,

I'd be four inches taller
and a million dollars richer.

Oh, and I'd do something
about war, too, I guess.

Maybe I would end it.

Mmm! Macaroni and pepper.

Hey, so did you sign up
for the premed course?

Yup. And, on my first day,

they're going to give me
a heart listener

and one of those
ear looker things.

So when do you start?

Next week.

Are you kidding me?

No.

What's wrong with your face?

Richard's going away,

and Barb's just starting
at the gym.

What am I supposed
to do with Ritchie?

Well, we talked
about hiring a nanny.

What's wrong with that?

I'm not ready
for that.

I don't want some stranger
coming into my house

to take care of my kid--
some woman named... Angela.

Pretty soon,
Ritchie's going to be calling

for Angela in his sleep.

"I like Angela's
macaroni and cheese."

"Angela's good at math."

I hate Angela.

Well, don't blame Angela.

She's just doing her job.

I hate the way she judges me.

Come on. She's a nice girl.

I don't trust her.

There's no Angela, right?

No.

Oh, my God!

Richard, this is amazing!

Yeah. Isn't it?

A fireplace. And a round bed!

I've always wanted to sleep
on a round bed.

Or even an oval one.

I love new shapes.

Ooh, and a hot tub!

Is that an octagon?

Do you feel
like a glass of champagne?

I am way ahead of you.

(gasps)

I love it here.

This is going to be

the best vacation ever.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome.

I'm starving.

Let's order some food.

Okay.

Oh, yeah. Get a couple
of shrimp cocktails.

We are going
to have the best time.

(upbeat music playing)

Uh... What... what is that?

That's not our regular music.

Oh, Barb thought
it would pick up the mood.

What was wrong with the mood?

Barb said it was crap.

She's honest.

Way better than our old boss,
don't you think?

'Cause I think
she was a drinker.

You do know I'm your old boss,
right?

Yes.

(upbeat music playing)

You're sitting
at my desk.

Our desk.

Remember whoever gets
here first gets the big desk?

That was the deal.

Yeah. A deal's a deal, so enjoy.

Hey, you've been pretty busy.

I noticed you've moved
all the equipment around,

and you brought in a plant
and you changed the music.

Oh, yeah.
I couldn't stand it anymore.

That old music
was so depressing,

the stereo tried
to jump out the window.

Yeah. Yeah.
Unfortunately, though,

the old music was provided
by the company, and as such,

we are contractually obliged
to play it.

So... it's your second day.

Please,
don't worry about, you know?

You're bound to make mistakes.

The new music
is also from the company.

As such.

I found it in the back
with these T-shirts,

two wine glasses and a bra.

Yeah. That was from
our grand opening party.

This is a woman's-only gym.

Very much so.

But, look, if you want me

to put the old music back,
I will.

No, no, no. It's fine.

It's fine, you know?

I'm just saying that I wish
you had asked me

before you changed
everything around.

I'm sorry. You weren't here.

I didn't think
it was a big deal.

But next time, I'll ask.

Thank you.

and, and so will Mommy,
but some of the time,

you'll be
with the nanny.

But, you know what, Bud?

We're gonna pick
that nanny together,

and if you don't like
any of the ones

we interview, you can say no.

No.

Okay. Good job.

I am so late.

Okay, Ritchie, honey,
Uncle Matthew's gonna meet

the nannies with you, and then
if you like any of them,

Mommy's gonna
meet them and then

we can make
the decision together.

Okay. I love you, Bud.

I'm so late. I gotta
get to work. Bye.

I like her.

Let's keep looking
for someone who cleans.

I really love it here.

This is the best vacation
I've ever been on.

Please don't
lie to me.

Okay. It would be better
if we could have sex.

Or, technically,
if you could have sex.

I don't know what's
going on with me.

I was sure after the hike
and the shower

and the Pay Per View movie
something would happen, but...

It didn't.

I know, Christine.
I was there.

It doesn't matter.
We're here together.

This is the best vacation ever.

For me, too.

Those movies were dirty, huh?

Yes!

Damn it.

Oh, God. I've got to join a gym.

Christine, why don't you
just take the big desk?

No.

We have a deal.

Whoever gets here first.

It's obviously
weirdly important to you.

You take the desk.

(sighs)

Oh, mother.

So, Ali and I want to talk
to you about something.

Oh. You and Ali

have something
to talk to me about.

Now, suddenly,
there's you and Ali.

Ali, can you
come in here, please?

What is that?

Did you have an
intercom installed?

It's on your phone.

You just press the INT button.

Oh, I thought that
was the Internet.

No wonder no one
ever gets my e-mails.

Hey, Al, tell Christine
your idea.

Oh. My cousin's roommate
has a friend

who knows the guy who takes care
of Tom Hanks's dogs.

So, I was thinking,
with his help,

we could break into his house,

and we...
No. No.

The, the, the other idea,
about the gym.

Oh, right.

I was thinking,
to increase membership,

maybe we could offer a deal
where, if you get a friend

to sign up,
you get a month free,

and if you get
two friends to sign up,

you get two months free,

and if you get three friends
to sign up...

She gets it.

She gets it.

Just show her,
show her the flyer.

We call it "Better
Body Buddies."

Hmm.

Can I be honest?

I don't love it.

Did you even read it?

Can I be honest? No.

Ali, can you give me
a minute with Christine?

It was nice
working with you.

What's going on?
That's a good idea.

I mean, do you have something
against making more money?

Because money is good.

Look it up
on the Internet.

No, I don't have something
against making money.

Okay? I do, however, have
something against a program

that rewards people
for being popular.

Okay? No.

No. What if you don't have
any friends to refer?

Okay? You get nothing.

What is this, like
junior high school?

No, I'm afraid I'm
going to have to use

my veto power
on this one.

Oh, wait. Wait a minute.

You said we were partners.

Yeah. We are.

But I'm the senior partner,
and you're the junior partner.

I'm the majority

and you're the...

Well...

Finish it.

I will not.

Oh, come on, Christine,
you said we were co-owners.

Well, on paper,
but I started this business.

It's mine. Of course
I have a bigger say

about what does on here
than you do.

You know, I was really
excited about this.

I thought, this is a chance

to create something
wonderful with my friend,

but I see that we have
really different ideas

about what this
is supposed to be.

I feel like I'm
a pretty good boss.

You're not my boss.

I invested a lot of money
in this business.

I expect to be a real partner.

Well, can I be honest?

Oh...

What a baby.

Ooh, I get the big desk.

And, Ritchie, if you decide
on the trumpet, let me know.

I'll bring you
to my orchestra rehearsal.

And I'd love you to come back
and meet Ritchie's mom.

Okay. I'll bring some of
that blueberry buckle

I was talking about.

It won a prize.

It was a pleasure
meeting you, Ritchie.

Hope to see you soon.

Au revoir.

Do you remember what that means?

Good-bye.

Okay, you had to
have loved her.

Musician, yoga
teacher, pastry chef.

Unless you can fly, and
turn raindrops into chocolate,

we're not gonna do any better.

What do you think?

We can do better.

Good morning.

How are you feeling?

So much better.

I really think all I needed
was a good night's sleep.

Oh, thank God.

Not that I wasn't
having a good time.

I'm fine either way.

But thank God.

Come back to bed.

I will. But first
I have a surprise for you.

Ooh. I love surprises.

Oh, Lord.

I found it in the overnight bag

I know you were saving it
for a present,

but I thought we needed it now.

That's Old Christine's
old nightie.

She must have left it
in the overnight bag.

Eww.

Eww. Get it off.
Okay. Okay.

Get it off!
Wait.
Come here.

Get it off! Richard! Richard!

Richard, help me!
Okay. Okay. Okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

Okay. It's okay.

Okay. Okay,
It's okay. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
brought you here.

What? No?

It's great.

This is the best vacation ever.

You can stop saying that.

What's happening?

Why is it so bad?

I wasn't gonna
tell you this, but...

this is where I came with
Christine on our honeymoon.

What?

Why would you
bring me here?

I don't know. I'm,
I'm on their mailing list

and they sent me a thing
for a third night free.

So I thought, "Great,
there's a $200 savings."

Maybe you could have
saved even more money

and just slept with me
at your ex-wife's house.

I don't know. I don't think
I'd be able to perform.

Oh. I get it.

Look, please don't
read anything into this.

All I wanted to do was
surprise you with a nice trip

have sex, eat,
save a couple of bucks.

That's it.

You're an idiot.

That's all I'm trying to say.

Oh, Barb. You're back.

I just came to get my laptop
and my $20,000

Come on, Barb,
don't be like that.

Why are you so mad at me?

Because you were petty
and close-minded

and you didn't like
any of my ideas.

I don't like anybody's ideas
unless they're my own.

That's my thing.

It's cute on me.

The only thing that'll be
cute on you right now

are tire tracks.

Oh, Barb!

Sorry. I'm mad at you.

I came here and tried
to improve this place.

I thought that's why you were
excited to have a partner

so we could build a business
together.

Well, I was excited
to have a partner.

I do want to build a business.

Then what's wrong?
I mean why do you

treat me like the help?

I feel like everything
is changing, you know,

and not just here--
at home, too.

Matthew's ditching me
to become a stupid doctor.

And Angela's trying
to take Ritchie away from me.

You mean Angela,
the nanny who doesn't exist?

Yeah, that's right.

Wasn't Angela the name
of your imaginary neighbor

who was stealing your mail?

Oh, that's interesting.

Isn't Angela also
your mom's name?

I'm starting to see
a pattern here.

Look, crazy lady,

you're missing
the whole point.

If I'm your partner,
I could do half the work

if you'd let me,
and if I do half the work,

then you won't need an Angela

because you can
take care of Ritchie

and have time left over to--
please, God-- get some therapy.

No nanny.

Oh, my God.

You've just solved
all my problems.

Sweetie, that doesn't begin
to solve all your problems.

Oh, partner, you love me.

You really need help.

You love me.