The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 11 - Crash - full transcript

Hi. May I help you?

I'm Christine Campbell.

I don't see your
name on the list.

Who are you visiting?

Carl.

We have this
conversation every day.

I'm not visiting anyone.
I'm dropping my son off at school.

Yeah, I, uh... I can't let you in;
your sticker's expired.

I know, but the lady who gives
out the replacement stickers

is only here between
10:00 and 1:00

and I can't make it
'cause I have a job.



I also tell you that every day.

Mmm. I don't think so.

Look, I can't just let
you in without a sticker.

What if it turns
out you're a crazy?

Why? Why would I be a crazy?

Because your car is filled
with garbage and, uh...

that thing that's happening
with your right eye.

That's, that's not garbage,
that's recycling.

And there's nothing
wrong with my eye.

- You're wearing pajamas.
- Yes, yes.

I overslept. Okay?

60% of Americans oversleep.

We're a majority.

In fact, we could probably
elect our own president.



Though, we'd probably
oversleep on Election Day.

Ritchie?

Hey, Carl.

You're Ritchie's mom?

Every day.

Oh, okay, go ahead.
Have a good one.

Crazy.

I'll show you crazy.

Call me crazy.

- Mom, who are you talking to?
- Nobody, honey.

Ritchie.

Ritchie.

Oh, my God.

Ritchie!

Hi, Mom.

Honey,

when you were leaving
the car before

and I asked you if
you had everything,

why did you say "yes"?

I do have everything.

Do you have your backpack?

Darn it.

It's right here, honey.
You left it in the car.

- Oh. Thanks, Mom.
- Okay. Good luck.

Oh, darn it.

- Hello, Christine.
- Good morning.

Hi.

Well, someone got
dressed up today.

Big date?

- Important job interview?
- Meeting at the White House?

- Tea with the queen?
- Drinks with the ambassador?

Okay, I get it.

Obviously, I didn't plan on
coming to school in my nightie,

but I overslept.

It's my only day off;
I've got a lot to do.

I've got to take
in my recycling.

I've got to go to the market.

I've got to finish my
application for Amazing Race,

I have to tell my parents
I'm divorced, I...

It's a busy day.

Have fun at the museum opening.

- And the royal wedding.
- The inauguration.

You're wearing pajamas.

I ran out.

Well, Marly,
I may be wearing my pj's,

but at least I have
my original face.

That looks better.

What the...?

I told you I felt something.

Yeah, you felt something.

You felt my sweet little car
being crushed by your bulldozer.

Now, hold on, PJ's.

I was already backing up when
you came barreling into me.

Barreling?

My car doesn't barrel.

I'd probably go
faster in a barrel.

Besides, if I'd seen
your monster truck,

I wouldn't have backed out.

Well, how could
you have seen me?

Your car is filled
with garbage.

No, that's...
That's not garbage!

It's recycling, okay?

I care about the environment.

I drive a Prius.

Unlike you,
who drives an oil rig.

Hey, I do plenty
for the environment.

You should see how green
my lawn is-- year-round.

That's true.
Her water bills are enormous.

Thank you.

Christine, I have
to go shopping.

Some of us don't have
the luxury of a day off.

Look, it's no big deal. I mean,
we'll just each pay for our own damage.

Damage? You don't
have any damage.

Why should I pay if
it wasn't my fault?

Hey, Lindsay,
didn't you see I was backing out

when Marly smashed into me?

Oh. To be honest,
I wasn't really paying attention.

Um, I was trying to
adjust the heated seats.

Last time I was in Marly's car,
I had on a skirt,

and I got a mark in a place that was
difficult to explain to my husband.

Christine, your car
has seats, right?

Or are they bad for
the environment?

- That was good.
- All right, let's get out of here.

Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

You can't just leave the
scene of an accident.

Well, who's going to
take care of my car?!

Hey, that's a nickel.

Okay, what's the
capital of Kentucky?

Frankfort.

And how do you remember that?

I just remember.

No, Kentucky makes you think
of Kentucky Fried Chicken,

which makes you think
of Colonel Sanders.

And who's another
funny colonel?

Colonel Klink, who is German

and what's a city in Germany?

Frankfort.

That's ridiculous.

He can't remember all that.

Here's the way to do it.

You've got to turn it
into a little song.

# Oh... the capital #
# of Kentucky is Frankfort #

# Oh, the capital #
# of Iowa is Des Moines #

# Oh, the capital #
# of California is Saca-ramento #

# And that's how you remember #
# some of the capitals #

What?

Smart guys turn me on.

You know, I'm not a bad person.

Do you realize half our
conversations begin with you saying

either "I'm not a bad person"
or "Don't let me eat that"?

I'm serious.
Those women are horrible.

They're so different from me.

You know, they made fun of me
for being an environmentalist?

You're an environmentalist?

I'm more of an environmentalist
than that stupid Marly.

You should see the
gas-guzzler she drives.

I don't want to think how many harp
seals it takes to run that thing.

You don't know a lot of facts
about the environment, do you?

Here's what I know.

I know that she hit me.

But I'm the one here about
to pay for a rental car

while my car is getting fixed.

Just let your
insurance pay for it.

I can't; my insurance rates
are already through the roof

because of that time I got
caught in the carpool lane.

I still think it should
count if you're pregnant.

But you weren't pregnant.

None of us know that for sure.

May I help the next
customer in line?

Yeah. Um...
I need to rent a car for a week.

Something small with good
gas mileage-- no leather.

I mean, I eat meat, but...
only free-range meet.

Yeah, she has a collection of
free-range shoes and belts at home.

Okay.

Well... I, uh, I can hook you up
with a tricked-out luxury SUV

just like the one from the
Jay-Z episode of Pimp My Ride.

An SUV?

No way. No.

I drive a Prius;
it gets 45 miles to the gallon.

Does the SUV get 45
miles to the gallon?

- Not even in Park.
- Yeah.

But, since it is our
only car left in stock,

I can give it to you for
the same size as a midsize.

It's just for a week. I'm not driving
you to another rental car company

in rush hour traffic--
take the SUV.

Oh. I don't want
people looking at me,

thinking I'm one of those obnoxious,
gluttonous, superficial soccer moms,

whose whole identify is wrapped
up in the car that they drive.

I won't do it.

They pimped my ride.

This is awesome.

THX sound system,
voice-activated navigation.

What kind of engine?

5.4-liter three-valve V-8?

All I know is my seat just
gave me a shiatsu massage

while I watched
Shrek in hi-def,

all while keeping me at
a comfortable 72 degrees,

so, yeah, it drives good.

My old boyfriend used to
drive a truck like this.

It was too big for me.

I mean, I like your truck.

It's small, but it gets you
where you want to go.

I hate my tiny truck.

Am I getting fat?

Come on, guys, it's just a car.

Well, then why'd you drive us 50
miles of our way to get home?

I was just following
the navigation system.

And... he wanted
to see the beach.

Okay, come on. Get out.
I don't want the NASA foam sheets

to memorize your shape.

I hate my shape...

and my hair.

I could never drive an SUV,
because I love the environment.

I do, too.

I almost never wear
pantyhose anymore.

I'm a huge environmentalist.

Please look that word up.

I'm calling for
Christine Campbell.

This is Craig Lewis from
Lipson Heller Insurance.

Our client, Mrs. Marly Ehrhardt,
has filed a claim against you.

Please call us at 310-927...

I cannot believe...
She's filing a claim against me?

I was fine paying for my
damages to avoid making waves.

Wow.

This time she has
really crossed a line.

I am so tired of her
pushing me around.

She thinks she's better than me
just 'cause she drives a giant car?

Guess what--
I drive a giant car, too.

And mine is bigger,
better, and badder.

Badder.

Bad. Bad Santa. Santa Claus.

Capital of New Mexico:
Santa Fe.

How do you remember the "Fe"?

You just do.

I don't have a sticker.

This guy's going to give
me a hard time again.

I don't have a sticker.

Oh, you don't need a
sticker with this car.

Have a nice day.

Wow.

- I love our new car.
- Yeah.

It's so cool being
bigger than everyone.

Yeah, well,
don't get too used to it,

because we get our stupid
dinky car back next week.

And you come from a
long line of short.

And cute.

Have fun, buddy.

Thanks, Mom.

Christine...

is that you we saw climbing
out of that luxury SUV?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
it was.

Well, boy, you're going to be able
to fit,a lot of garbage in that one.

You know, I cannot believe that
you called your insurance company

after we agreed that we
would handle it ourselves.

Oh, well, I went home and
discussed it with my husband...

Oh, sorry.

And we agreed to put it
through to insurance.

Oh, sorry again.

Hey, I have insurance.

Not American insurance, but...

You know what?

If you want to play rough,
we can play rough.

All right, here's the bill.

$1,231.15. Okay?

That includes a new
rear end for my Prius,

a week of a rental car,

and $1.15 worth of cans.

What do you want me
to do with this?

You hit my car--
I want you to pay it.

I thought we decided
that you hit my car.

No, no, you decided that, okay?

But in reality,
we both know that you hit my car.

So pay up... woman.

Okay, well, I have a bill
for you to repair my Hummer.

It's going to cost you $3,000.

Or to put it in your currency,
about 60,000 cans.

So start drinking... woman.

$3,000 for what?

There wasn't even a
scratch on your car.

You cracked one of
my safari lights.

Oh, well,
you're going to need those.

Its almost rhinoceros
season here in Los Angeles.

Marly, it is my
word against yours.

Well, not quite.

I actually have witnesses
who saw you hit my car.

Witnesses?
You don't have witnesses.

- You have witnesses?
- Heidi.

Heidi was in the backseat of
my car when you ran into me.

- No, she wasn't.
- She was.

Tell her, Heidi.

She came out of nowhere,
and she had liquor on her breath.

Thank you.

- I smell marijuana.
- Yeah, that's enough.

And Lindsay was with me.

What...? No,
she said she didn't see it.

She said she was too busy
playing with her seat.

Yeah, well, now I remember

looking up from
playing with my seat

when I heard your car
barreling toward Marly's truck.

And?

And I said, "Watch out,

crazy old Christine is about
to barrel into your truck."

And?

And you're very pretty? I don't
know what else you want me to say.

That's okay;
you've already said enough to prove

the accident was
Christine's fault.

Now what's going
on with your eye?

Lindsay.

Great. Watching a
scary movie in hi-def

in the backseat of an SUV,

eating microwave popcorn

and getting cold drinks
out of the mini-fridge.

Yeah, it's so old-fashioned.

So what happened?
Is Marly going to pay for your car?

No, she handed me
a bill for her car.

It costs, like,
more than my house.

God, I hate that dump.

I don't get this.

Thought she lived in a well.

How come she's coming
through the TV?

It's because they want you
to ask a thousand questions

so no one can watch the movie.

- What's wrong with her eyes?
- Just watch!

The father's about to get it.

Get what?

I thought you were going
to stand up to Marly.

Yeah, well, that was the plan,

and then she brought in all her
stupid friends to lie for her,

saying it was my fault.

They are so awful.

Every single one of them, too--
no ethics.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to fight
fire with fire.

She can bring people
in to lie for her.

I'll have Matthew lying for me.

You are going to say you were in the
backseat underneath the recycling.

And then you hit your head.

Now you can't work or...
see colors.

Forget it--
get someone else to lie for you.

Ooh, that's a good idea.

I'll get Ritchie.

He can't even remember what he
had for breakfast this morning.

If I tell him he was in the car with me,
he'll believe it.

Maybe I'll even let it slip that Marly's
husband is sleeping with her maid,

because he is.

How does that help your case?

It establishes character,
habeas corpus.

I'm not going to let you
have Ritchie lie for you.

Come on, everybody lies.

Caveat emptor.

Stop it.
What are you talking about?

I know my legal rights.

You know three Latin words.

What's going on with you? Ever since
you've got this car you've changed.

I haven't changed.

What are you doing?

The gardener will pick it up.

You don't have a gardener.

Well, I'll get one.
How much can that cost?

Look at you. Lying, littering.

This is not the
woman I divorced.

You're becoming one of them.

No, I'm not.

You spent $300 on gas yesterday

and told a homeless
guy to get a job.

Hey, it's good advice.

I'm fine.

No, you're gross.

What? No, I'm not.

Because I like this car,

because I like a hydraulic
lift every once in a while?

I like sitting up high
looking down on everyone.

If you don't like it,
get out of my ride.

Okay, well,
that was a little bit gross.

I don't know what it is.
I think it's this car.

It's got some sort
of evil power.

Are you saying it
was Marly's fault?

Yeah.

She can't check her blind
spots 'cause she doesn't have

any slack left in her neck.

I knew it.

This is great.

Let's go over to Marly's
right now and confront her.

No, uh-uh,
I can't betray Marly.

Uh-uh, she's my friend.

We have a complex relationship
that very few people understand.

You want her to like you,
so you do what she says?

Okay, maybe it's
simpler than I thought.

Why did you bother telling me this
if you're not going to help me?

There might be another
way I can help you.

What would you say if I told
you the school recently spent

over $100,000 installing a
high-tech video surveillance system

that captures
everything on tape?

Okay, um...

that doughnut was
still in the bag

and it hadn't touched anything
else in the trash can.

What are you talking about?

Uh... what are
you talking about?

There's a tape of
your accident.

Oh, there's a tape?
Of my accident?

But you didn't hear it from me.

Wh--why did you tell me this?

Because I know the difference
between right and wrong.

I may be a lot of things,
but I'm not a liar.

I mean, sure I lie.
Everyone lies.

I like what you've done
to your house, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

- See you at school.
- Okay.

Hey.

I have something for you.

Oh, good. A check?

No, even better...

a video of you hitting my car.

Yep.

It turns out that everything
that happens here at Westbridge

is captured on videotape.

So I think someone owes
someone an apology.

Yeah.

No, Marly, you.

You owe me an apology.

Not only for hitting my car,
but for making my life hell

for the last year and a half.

You think you're better than me,
but you're not.

The wealth of a person is not
measured by their possessions.

The wealth of a person is
measured by their values.

- Here's $2,000.
- And I accept your apology.

Oh, Mommy gets to keep
the big boy for the week.