The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 8 - Women 'N Tuition - full transcript

Hey, what's going on?

Nothing.

What's going on... over there?

Oh, I, uh, cut myself shaving.

Ah. Get a pretty thick
beard growing on your nose?

Fine. It's a pimple, okay?

Lots of guys my
age get pimples.

Yeah, that's the first
sign your body's changing.

Pretty soon your private areas

are going to blossom
in wonderful ways.

All right, all right.



Cat food? We don't have a cat.

You know,
just because something's on special

doesn't mean you
have to buy it.

No, it's for this stupid
cat who keeps showing up

at the patio door
expecting to be fed.

Well, putting that cat food out
there should put a stop to that.

Is there any mail for me?

Uh, there's something from
eHarmony to the single resident.

- They're talking to you.
- They're talking to you.

- They're talking to you.
- They're talking to you.

- I'll take it.
- I'll take it.

And, uh, here's your porn.

It's not porn;
it's a men's fitness magazine.

Oh, sorry, your gay porn.



Here's a package
for you from Mom.

I hope it's not another photo of
her and Dad from one of their trips.

Although that picture of them on a
burro in Ensenada is pretty good.

That expression on
that donkey's face

really tells the whole story,
doesn't it?

- Oh, my God.
- What is that?

It's this tape I made for my senior
project in Mrs. Fitzgerald's class.

Everybody had to make a
video letter to themselves

saying where we hoped
to be in ten years.

Oh yeah, I remember that.

You wanted to be
married to Winona Ryder.

How are you two doing?

I'm doing fine.

Oh, shoot.

They're raising tuition at
Ritchie's school again.

I can't afford
another increase.

God, it's really slow
at the gym right now.

I think fat's coming back.

What am I going to do?

Don't look at me.
I can barely cover my nut as it is.

I asked you not to use
that expression anymore.

Well, at least this time
I'm talking about money.

You know, it seems like
every time you turn around,

that school's asking
for more cash.

I know, right?

But I'm not going to take
Ritchie out of there.

He loves it; he's doing great.

He's really come into his own.

- Mom.
- Yeah.

I finished my homework.

Oh, good.

Hey! Cat!

Well, at least this time,
he knew it was a cat.

Honey, are you okay?

There is no way I'm going
to find another $250

a month in here for
Ritchie's tuition.

I mean,
I can barely cover my nut as it is.

Cover your nut?

That's nasty.

I know, I know.

I used to hate it,
but now I kind of love it.

Come on, Barb,
look at this, okay?

Help me--
I need to find some money in there.

You spent $1,500 on crack?

That's an abbreviation
for crackers.

You spent $1,500 on crackers?

Well... wine also falls
into the cracker category.

Well, what is the thousand
dollars under "wine"?

That's my mortgage.

I just thought that my wine budget
should be less than my mortgage.

You know, then people wouldn't
think I have a problem.

Why would anyone think
that you had a problem?

You know, I even took out an
equity line of credit last month,

and that's all gone, too.

- Where'd it go?
- Necessities.

House, food, taxes, hair.

You know, a little more up here,
and a little less...

everywhere else.

You know, it adds up.

Plus this business
is relatively new.

I mean, it's doing well,
but it hasn't exactly taken off yet.

Look, let me help you.

Let me loan you the money.

No! I can't take
money from a friend.

Come on,
I had a pretty good year.

What? How?

You're not working.

You hang out here all day long.

I like it here. It's quiet.

At my old gym,
there were always people working out.

Pete had a great year.
I'm married to Pete.

I cover Pete's nut,
he covers mine.

You know what?
Richard had a great year, too.

I'll just get the
money from him.

You can do that? Wh-What kind
of settlement do you guys have?

No settlement,
just friendly, you know.

Whenever one of us needs something,
he just gives it to me.

Okay, so you don't
have to live with him,

you don't have to
have sex with him,

but you can still
get money from him?

So what's the down
side to divorce?

Well, that's the one
thing nobody tells you.

There is no down side.

Because the world needs help right now,
you know?

I mean, you can't just sit back

and wait for other
people to make change.

Change starts with me.

So, here's what's
going to happen.

I got in my top four
choices of college.

I'll pick one, do awesome,

go right into med school,
probably Harvard.

Then after that...

...I'm going to travel around
the world healing people.

I am going to do a lot of
good work in poor villages

when my band, Powergrid,
isn't touring.

I am going to make
a difference.

Me and Winona.

Change the world.

Say no to drugs.

Why didn't I say no to drugs?

- Hey.
- Hi.

Sorry to bother you but, um...

You're in your boxers.

Do you want me to put pants on?

Nah.

So listen,
I got this letter from Westbridge today.

They're raising tuition again,
and I'm kind of strapped right now,

so can I get a check?

Christine, I've covered it
for the last few months.

It's your turn.

Oh, I know that, I know that,
but I've got nothing.

I mean,
Barb and I looked over my expenses,

and there's nowhere
to get it from.

Well, I'm not exactly living
the life here, either.

What do you want me to do?

Sell the cinderblock bookcase
or take back the rented couch?

Come on, Richard--
we all have to make sacrifices.

There's got to be something.

I mean, what about that
fancy kelp volumizer you use?

I mean,
isn't that like 50 bucks a month?

I need that; it's from Japan.

Have you ever seen
a bald Japanese man?

Yeah.

Really?

What about you?

Those shoes are pretty nice.

I've never seen them before.

These are for Ritchie.

How?

Because nice shoes
make me happy,

and when Mommy's happy,
everyone's happy.

What if Daddy's not happy?

Nobody gives a crap.

Come on, Richard--
it's for your son's education.

I can't do it alone.

You know what's being
eaten around my house?

Cat food.

You're not eating cat food.

Then why did I buy it?

You know I help out when I can,

but I'm telling you,
this time I don't have it.

Hey, Sweetie.

Oh, Christine,
you stopped by... again.

Christine and I were just
talking about some budget stuff.

Oh, well, you guys go ahead.

I just wanted to tell you
that I spoke to my mom,

and she can feed my fish for
the week we're on vacation,

so we're all set.

Well, I'll let you guys talk.

Maybe you should
put on some pants.

I suppose I could use
volumizer every other day.

It's already getting
pretty thick.

You're going on vacation?

You refuse to step up and
pay for your son's education,

but you're going on vacation?

It's only for a week,

and we've had it
planned for a long time,

and I've paid Ritchie's tuition
for the last three months.

It's your turn.

Cat food, Richard.

And I'm not even talking
about the good stuff.

I'm just asking you
to behave responsibly

and help me out here, okay?

We have to work
together as a team.

Fine. I'll cancel the vacation.

Thank you,
I really appreciate this.

I mean,
there'll be other vacations, but...

you only have one son.

- Here you go.
- Okay.

Thank you.

You really helped me out here,
and, Richard...

You might want to
cover your nut.

Oh. You're still here.

Well, it was either
me or nobody,

and nobody didn't show up.

Hey, listen, can you stay here
just a little bit longer?

Because I've got to go to the
bank and then pick up Ritchie

and then drop him
off at the house.

No problem, I have to wait
for the phone guy, anyway.

Oh, no,
no the phones don't work.

I'm thinking the phone guy
might be able to help with that.

Oh. Right. Yes, of course.

Good idea.
God, what's wrong with me?

All this high finance
has me a little fuzzy.

Okay, thanks.
I will be right back.

Oh, my bankbook!

And, uh, I got the door fixed.

So the reason Christine came over
was because she has a problem.

Wait a minute.

Christine had a problem?

And she came to you for help?

Yeah. She always does.

I know, that was sarcasm.

Oh. That was good.
You're getting better at that.

So what now?

I had to front her some money,

so now were not going to
be able to go on vacation.

Well, now I have a problem.

Are you being sarcastic?

Yes, Richard,
I'm being sarcastic.

- So... ?
- Richard, I'm angry.

I knew it.

She always does this to us.

Why does she think she can come to
you every time she's in trouble?

We have an arrangement.

I help her out when
she needs something,

she helps me out when
I need something.

We're a team.

If you two are a team,
what does that make me, the mascot?

It's for Ritchie's school.

You've already paid your
share for Ritchie's school

and her share most of the time.

I think she's taking
advantage of your good nature.

She told me she had
to buy cat food.

She probably got a cat.

Oh. Why didn't I ask that?

Look, let her figure
it out for once.

I need to be alone with you.

I mean,
her constant presence in our lives,

the fact that she could
just stop by at any moment

and you'll drop everything
to do what she wants,

well, it's making me feel
really inhibited with you.

You know, emotionally...
and sexually.

You've been inhibited?

Haven't you noticed?

That's inhibited?

I feel like we could go a lot further
if we were operating as a unit,

just the two of us.

A lot further?

How?

Do you have a secret
compartment I don't know about?

Because...

...I-I really feel like
I've covered everything.

I want to break free.
I want to experience us as a couple.

I'm still trying to
figure out in what ways

you could possibly
be less inhibited.

I mean, unless you kill me.

Take me away,
and I'll show you.

I need this vacation, Richard,

and I need it now.

Give me the check! Give me the check!
Give me the check!

You can't have your check back.
I already signed the back of it

and wrote a dirty
thing on the memo line.

Yeah, I appreciate
getting my checks back

with "For gay love"
in my bank statement.

Hey, did you see that
little picture that I drew?

Come on, I'm not kidding--
I need it.

I need it, too. We've been
through this-- it's for Ritchie.

No. You can't do that anymore.

You could take money from
somewhere else, but you know

if you tell me it's for our kid,
I'm going to give it to you.

It is for Ritchie!

Richard, we are stretched
really tight around here.

I bought cat food.

And you're going to eat that?

It's right here.

Okay, you can keep the check
if you take a bite of it.

Well, I'm pretty full.
I had a big can for lunch.

I mean, you know, with a salad.

One bite.

Fine.

Oh, God!

Okay, I got a cat.

God. And I'm still broke.

Well, I'm sorry, Whiskers.

I'm more than happy
to pay my share,

but you're gonna have
to pay your share, too.

Well, that's not how
it works between us.

Whoever has the money pays;
come on.

Don't you remember when
you needed that new truck

and I made the down payment?

We were married then.

You mean just because we're not married,
we can't be a team?

That's right.

We're friends, we like each other,
we're supportive,

but I have a team,

and she needs to go away and
experience us as a couple.

Do I know what that means?
No, I don't.

Am I a little scared?
Yes, I am.

But I need to do it.

Well, I mean,
if you guys are a team,

then who's on my team?

The cat.

Look, I'm in a really
tough spot here.

I'm trying to make
both of you happy.

Well, obviously,
you've already made your decision.

I'm sorry if I took
advantage of your...

Good nature?

I was going to say stupidity,
but okay.

Okay, good-bye.

I still need my check.

Fine.

I don't need you on my team.

I got my own team.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty, kitty.

K itty?

Come on. Kitty? Kitty?

Kitty!

All right. We're going to slow
it down a little for you now.

Although if I slow
you down anymore,

you're going to be
going backwards.

Here we go.

Hey, Barb, I'm so sorry to
have left you here all day.

What are all these
people doing here?

They're new members.

I poached them from the
donut shop next door.

I promised them ice cream.

Oh, we have ice cream?

No, dear.

So, how's it going?

Terrible.

Richard completely
abandoned me.

He took his check back.

He quit the team.

There's no one to help me.

Really? No one?

You can't think of
anyone to help you?

Hey, I know I'm not
supposed to come to the gym

because the women say
I supposedly leer,

but I had just had to tell you--
Wow, that's nice.

Matthew!

Oh. Sorry. Sorry.
I've got big news.

You know, I watched that tape,
and, uh, it was awful.

I don't even know
who that guy was.

I mean, what happened to me?

What happened to Powergrid?

We were so tight.

It's like, now I'm living in a
shed behind my sister's house,

playing "Nintendogs" with
a nine-year-old all day.

I realized it was time for a change.
So, guess what?

I'm going to medical school.

Richard took his check back.

He quit the team.

And the cat didn't
come home for lunch.

But I'm going to be okay.

I'm going to medical school.

Are you still getting zits?

Okay, I'm going to
try this again.

I'm going to medical school!

Oh, Matthew, I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's great.

I'm really excited for you.

Yeah. Yeah. I made some calls.
My MCATs are still good.

I just have to take a couple
prerequisite classes.

We're going to have
a doctor on our team.

You get to be the team doctor.

Yeah, yeah, and I start in a
couple weeks, so that gives you

plenty of time to find someone
to take care of Ritchie.

Wait, what?

Well, I'm not going
to be around as much,

so you'll probably
need to hire a nanny.

A nanny?

Now I have to add
a nanny to my nut?

I feel like my life
is finally beginning.

I feel like a man.

I'm going to be a doctor.

I'm okay.

What, were y'all
raised by birds?

Well, there goes
the last of my team.

But it's okay. I've been
in worse situations than this.

I mean, so I'm alone.
I've been alone before.

I was born alone.
I'm going to die alone.

Okay, enough.
It's starting to get insulting.

Look, I'm right here.
I've been offering to help you all day.

Why can't I be on your team?

I told you.
I can't borrow from a friend.

You're wearing my earrings.

I can borrow earrings.

And is that my vest?

Oh, yeah. Uh...
I'll be able to get this stain out.

I just think that money between
friends is a bad idea, okay?

You mean too much to me.

I'll figure something out.

All right, well, figure it out.

Oh, you've got to
be kidding me.

Christine? The hygienist said
you weren't doing so well.

I'm fine. I chipped my tooth.

But it didn't damage the root,
so it's considered cosmetic.

It's not funny.

I'm sorry.

But I'll give you $30 if
you say "You're despicable."

Barb!

God...

You're despicable.

Oh, honey,
it's going to be okay.

How?

Well, I offered you my money.

I'll take it.

What?

You can loan me the money.

No, I'm not going to
loan you the money.

Well, that was just mean.

No, I had a great day today.

For the first time in a long time,
I felt useful.

I liked being at the gym.

I folded towels,
I changed the water,

I filled the tampon machine.

I made a difference.

Really? That's a
great day for you?

I liked having something to do.

- Look, so here's my idea.
- What?

We don't call it a loan.

It's an investment. In the gym.

We could be partners.

Partners?

I'm tired of Pete
covering my nut.

It'd be nice to cover my
own nut for a change.

Yeah.

We could cover
each other's nuts.

I'm feeling pretty
optimistic about this.

And I'll give you an extra thousand
not to get that tooth fixed.

Here, kitty, kitty,
kitty, kitty.

Come on, kitty.

I'm not going to
stand here all night.

Kitty?

This is your last chance.

Come on, kitty.

Okay, I'm going in.

Good night, kitty.