The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 5 - Separation Anxiety - full transcript

Isn't this fun?

It's like the old days.

You and me,
Pete and Barb coming over.

Hey, don't eat that.

That's for company.

This is just like the old days.

Hey, can you grab the
champagne out of the fridge?

Why champagne,
are we celebrating?

Well, Pete and Barb said they
have a big announcement.

Might be good news.

So what do you think it is?



I think either they're moving,
or one of them is dying

or they're having a baby.

Dying? That's a
terrible thing to say.

Well, it's not my fault.

I'm obviously not
hoping for the dying.

Would they come over here
to tell us they're dying?

Well, they're not going
to have us over there.

Their house all full of
Pete's medical equipment.

Why Pete?

Why couldn't Barb be dying?

Barb's my friend.

If anyone's dying, it's Pete.

Always eating
those French fries.

Oh, there they are.
Okay, be positive.



Don't cry.

Wait. Wouldn't they
want us to cry?

Would they?

Oh, maybe you're right.

You know what, let's not plan it--
let's just see what happens. Okay.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Well, thanks for
letting us come over.

Oh, of course.

We have something to tell you,
and we wanted to do it in person.

So you have something to
tell us about you or Pete?

It's about both of us.

Both of you?

What, do you live
under a power line?

Are you crying?

Richard, Richard.

Uh, you should just
tell us your news, huh?

Well, Pete and I have been
together a long time...

15 years.

Nine years.

Wow.

Really?

We've been talking about it a lot,
and we're finally ready to do it.

Yay! You're having a baby!
I knew it!

You did not--
you thought they were dying.

I thought Pete was dying.

I thought Barb
was having a baby.

You thought I was dying?

- Because of the French fries.
- What?

Guys, guys,
we're getting divorced.

Oh, that's terrible.

And you're pregnant.

They're not pregnant.
They're getting a divorce.

How could you leave
Pete when he's dying?

I told you this was
going to take a while.

I can't believe this.
You and Pete?

I mean,
you are so perfect together.

We used to be.

Then we stopped having fun.

Then we stopped having sex.

The worst part was
that middle period

when we were having sex
that wasn't any fun.

Yeah, but I mean,
have you tried everything, Barb?

Because marriage
takes a lot of work.

I remember when Richard
and I were having trouble.

We tried everything--
counseling... SeaWorld...

S&M.

How was SeaWorld?

Do they still have Shamu?

Christine was into S&M?

Really?

Nah, it was the end
of our marriage.

I think she just wanted
an excuse to hit me.

Yeah, so go to the first
show before he gets tired.

And do not sit in
the front row,

'cause I'm telling you,
when that whale jumps,

you get wet.

I am crazy for that big,
black bastard.

Pete?

No, Shamu.

So, what?
What happened with you guys anyway?

It wasn't just one thing,
it was a million things.

And we spent so much
time going over it

and analyzing in our heads,

and then one day we just
couldn't do it anymore.

So what went wrong?

I don't know.

What went wrong with
you and Christine?

I don't know.

Well, I know one thing:
you're staying here with me.

No. Pete and I are fine
staying at the house together.

Besides, he doesn't know
how to use the thermostat.

He'll freeze to death.

No, you're staying here,
that's final.

Uh, how did that happen?

- What are you doing?
- I need you to get up.

What, is there an intruder,
do we need to go to the panic room?

It's not a panic room,
it's the guest bathroom.

God, I don't know why,
but it's the only place I feel safe.

Matthew, listen. Listen.

Pete and Barb are separating.

Oh, that's awful.

It doesn't really affect me.
Good night.

What?

I told Barb that
she could stay here

until they figure
everything out,

so she's going to
sleep in your room,

and you're going to
bunk with Ritchie.

Why my room?

We all have to make sacrifices.

- What are you sacrificing?
- You.

Christine.

Christine, you're-you're
kind of over-tucking me.

This bed is starting to
feel like a jog bra.

Sorry, sorry.

I just want you to know
that I am here for you

the way you have always
been there for me.

- Thanks.
- No, no, I mean it.

I'm going to take care of you,
I'm going to comfort you,

I'm going to make
you feel better.

I'm not going to lie to you,
it's going to be hard at times,

but you are not alone.

I noticed that earlier when you
followed me into the bathroom.

All right, so listen,
I'm right across the patio,

right there if
you need me, okay?

So, good night. Sleep tight.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

You want me to pat your
back until you fall asleep?

That won't be necessary.

Aw, poor baby.

If you hadn't immobilized
me with these sheets,

I'd slug you right now.

Cranky. That's normal.

You should just get some sleep.

Poor baby.

That is not normal.

What?

You're welcome.

I swear to God I'll
head-butt you.

What are you doing?

Hey, bud, uh,

I'm just going to be bunking in
here with you for a couple nights,

'cause Aunt Barb is
staying in my room.

Why don't you just
sleep with Aunt Barb?

Well, uh,
it seems a little soon.

Although she is cute and
a lot of fun to be with,

and she sure smells good.

- I like her hair--
- Uncle Matthew.

Yeah, um,
let's just go to bed, okay.

Wait. I need my giggy.

- Your what?
- My blanket,

I can't go to sleep without it.

That hasn't been a
blanket in a long time.

Wait, I need my sounds.

Easy, easy, easy,

easy, easy,

easy, easy, easy,

easy, easy,

easy, easy, easy...

Morning. How'd
you guys make out?

Your kid's a freak.

What are you talking about?

All those little
nighttime rituals?

Between the heartbeats
and the womb sounds,

I felt like I was back in Mom's
uterus but without the smoke.

Oh, come on, all kids have their
bedtime rituals to put them to sleep.

As I recall, in junior high,
you had your own bedtime ritual.

Hey, you need to
knock before you walk

into a teenaged boy's
room unannounced.

Ritchie's just doing what all
the books say he should do.

He's self-soothing;
it's perfectly normal.

What are you doing?

I'm putting together a little
divorce comfort kit for Barb.

Nyquil, bottle of Chardonnay,

some chocolate,

some pills my dentist gave
me when I had my root canal.

You know what?
My tooth is feeling a little sensitive,

so I think I'm just going
to hang on to these.

You know,
Barb doesn't seem that bad off.

She actually seems
kind of fine.

Yeah. Exactly,
she's going through a separation.

It's not normal to be fine.

She's not crying,
she's not overeating,

she's not oversleeping.

She hasn't even
gotten back at Pete

by putting his name
in the gay personals.

Hey, whatever happened to Tim?
Does Richard ever see him anymore?

- Yeah, they still play tennis.
- Aw, nice.

You know,
I am worried about Barb, though.

You know,
if she doesn't go through the steps,

this divorce is just
going to sneak up on her.

And when it finally
does hit her,

I don't know what's
going to happen.

She could wind up in
the fetal position

rubbing her giggy and
listening to womb sounds.

Do you really want to
talk self-soothing?

Box of Kleenex,
picture of Helen Hunt?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Hey, Barb, are you up?

I got some goodies for you.

Barb?

Barb?

Barb, answer me, please.

Barb?

Barb! Barb,
you need to let me in.

Barb!

Barb, what did you take?!

Oh, God. Matthew!

Barb!

- Barb!
- What are you screaming at?

Oh, oh, Barb.
Oh, oh, you're alive.

- Thank God!
- I just went for a jog.

What? What happened?

It's okay;
she just went for a jog.

Oh, thank God.

Well, let me know if
you go for a bike ride.

Gosh... how can you exercise
in the midst of a divorce?

What is going on with you?

Nothing is going on with me.

I'm well-rested.

This morning was the first time
in years that I didn't wake up

to 220 pounds of
French fry breath

and three inches
of mattress space.

I'm happy.

You shouldn't be.

You've got to go through
the steps to get to happy.

What steps?

First, there's anger,
then resentment,

then denial, then anger.

You already did anger.

The anger comes back.

I'm not angry.

Well, you should be.

Your marriage just failed.

You failed, Pete failed.
You're a failure, Barb.

Man, it's like
staying at my mom's

but without all the Jesus.

I'm just trying to help
you get to the other side,

where you can be healthy
and happy like me.

You started to cry yesterday because
you ran out of peanut butter.

No.

I started to cry because...

...Matthew forgot to put
peanut butter on the list.

Is this healthy or happy?

I'm not going to take
that personally,

because I know you're not angry at me,
you're angry at Pete.

I'm not.

Well, you should be.
He didn't appreciate you at all.

God, I hated the way he used to complain
to Richard about you all the time.

He complained about me?

Yeah. He said you can't cook,

you've got a foul mouth,
you're shrinking.

Shrinking? If anything,
he's growing.

We can't even fit in
the same picture.

Why are you telling me this?

Because it's the truth.

What if I told you the
truth about Richard?

I wouldn't care.

I have moved past the anger.

Really, there's no more anger.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

So, you wouldn't
care if I told you

that Richard didn't want
to go out with you again

after your first date?

And that I paid him 20 bucks
to go out on a second date.

40 bucks for the third.

Yeah, guess what?

I slept with him on
the third date, so...

And that's why the
fourth was half off.

- How are you feeling now?
- Yeah, the anger came back.

What was so awful about me

that you didn't want
to date me again?

Sure, come on over;
I'm not doing anything.

Barb told me that she paid
you to go out with me?

What was wrong with me?

It was a long time ago,
I can't remember.

- Think!
- Now I remember.

It was because you were bossy.

Come on, Richard, I'm serious.

Christine, what does it matter?

We went out again,
I fell in love with you,

we had a kid together,

we tried S&M,
we went to SeaWorld.

What is this really about?

It's Barb.
She's not doing the divorce right.

Everybody deals with these
things in their own way.

Barb's doing her thing,

you did slippers
and Chardonnay,

I slept around.

That was so mean.

Man, if you didn't
have a girlfriend,

I would push you up
against the wall

and smack you so
hard right now.

God, why won't Barb
let me help her?

Why is it so important to you?

Because she's my best friend.

Well, it seems like,
as her best friend,

you'd be happy
she's doing so well.

You'd think.

Maybe on some level you're not
exactly devastated by her divorce.

Maybe you're happy you have another
divorced person to hang out with.

Oh, Richard, that is so awful.

My best friend is going through
something as painful as a divorce,

and you think that
I would be happy about it?

Is it true?

I think it is.

I mean, as soon as I found out
that they were splitting up,

all I could think about was all
the fun we were going to have.

You know? Divorce buddies.

Going to happy hours
and wine tastings

and cocktail parties.

You think I drink too much?

I don't think you
drink too little.

Anyway, all our other
friends are still together.

I was really looking
forward to not being

the only divorced person
in the entire world.

Oh, God, I'm awful.

No.

Barb will understand.

You know,
I'm not saying that I wish this,

but it really would
have been a lot easier

if Pete was dying.

You're an angel.

Barb? Barb, can I talk to you?

I know you're in there,
so you might as well answer the door.

I'm staying out
here until you do.

Well, I got nothing to
do and nowhere to go

until American Idol
starts in January.

What?

I just wanted to tell
you that I'm sorry.

- Thanks.
- No, no, no. I mean it.

I behaved badly, okay?

I mean, I thought
that I was trying to help you,

but in fact, it was really about me,
and that's just awful.

- Yep.
- No. Barb.

I can tell you're mad,
but can we just talk about this?

Look, I'm not mad.

Come back later--
you can tuck me in.

Barb, please.
Come on, can't we just talk about this?

Do I hear voices in there?

Uh, yeah,
I'm watching As Good As It Gets.

Your brother's got the entire
Helen Hunt collection in there.

Barb, come back to bed.

- What?
- That's Castaway.

He's trying to get
Barb back to bed.

Got to go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

There's a man in there?

Oh, I knew it.
I knew you weren't as well-adjusted

as you were pretending to be.

Jumping into bed with the
first man that comes along?

It's not a man; it's Pete.

Hey, Christine.

Oh. Hi, Pete.

Are you in your underwear?

Well, Matthew's underwear.

I had to throw on something.

I'll be right back, baby.

Hurry up.

What? What happened?

Christine, look,
don't take this personally,

but I'm not getting a divorce.

I don't know how you do it.

I guess you're a stronger
person than I am.

I could never do
what you're doing.

Sure you could.

No way.

Going to bed alone every night.

Waking up alone every morning.

That takes courage.

Well, thank you.

Eating alone, drinking alone,
having sex alone.

All right,
I said "thank you," Barb, okay?

It's not easy being lonely,
believe me,

but I don't think you should
get back together with Pete

just because you're
afraid of being alone.

Well, that's not it.

I think Pete and I just needed
to put the idea out there

to realize that it
wasn't what we wanted.

We're going to try
to make it work.

Well, that's great.

I'm happy for you.

You want to try that again?

No, I am.
I am really happy for you.

That's as good as it gets.

Hey.

I'm sorry,
I thought you were asleep.

I wasn't.

Now I have to start
all over again.

Wait a minute.

What do you think would
happen if we tried,

just for tonight,
to sleep without the sounds?

Because I'm here,
so there's nothing to be afraid of.

No, thanks.

Aw, come on. I mean,
you do amazing things all the time.

I know you can do this.
Just close your eyes, okay?

Relax.

And sleep.

- I can't do this.
- Sure you can.

Come on, I'll help you, okay?

Just breathe in and out.

Now what?

Breathe in and out.

Now what?

Breathe in and out.

Now what?

Easy, easy, easy...

Barb... I'm happy for you.

Barb, I'm happy for you.

Really, I'm happy for you.

Best of luck.

You'll be back.