The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 6 - The Champ - full transcript

Okay, you know what, Ritchie?

Here is your backpack.

And here is your
earthquake kit.

Now, don't forget to
give that to Mr. Harris.

He can keep it in the classroom
in case of an emergency.

Why do I need an
earthquake kit?

Well, remember the school
sent home that letter?

So we're prepared in
case of an emergency.

What kind of emergency?

An, an earthquake.

Today?



No, no, honey, not today.

We spent the whole car ride
talking about this, darling.

It's just a precaution.

For what?

An earthquake.

Darling, please go
to school, okay?

And pay attention, all right?

No, no, Ritchie, Ritchie,
that way, that way.

Hello, Christine.

Hello, Marley, Lindsay.

You going to say
something to her?

I don't know if
it'll do any good.

- It's hard to get through to her.
- Oh, I know. What is that?

- I don't know. It's weird, isn't it?
- It's just like...



Are you talking about... me?

Might as well tell her now,
since she was eavesdropping.

Okay...

It's just that we didn't
see your name

on the volunteer sign-up
to serve hot lunch.

You know, Christine,
this school depends

on the volunteer spirit
of its parent body.

Yeah, well,
that and 15 grand a year.

- Oh, yeah, totally.
- It's not funny!

Look, every parent
that doesn't volunteer

puts the burden on those of us who,
you know,

care about our children.

Look, I know what
you're trying to do,

but I won't be guilted
into volunteering, okay?

I do my share.

See that poster?

I made that poster.

"Do your share, volunter."

What?

Oh, crap.

Okay, Christine, well,
if you're comfortable

being the only mother at
school who hasn't voluntered.

Okay, fine,
where's the sign-up sheet?

Rotten women.

Hey, lover.

Stan! You can't call me that!

Why not?

We made love. We were lovers.

Shh!

We were only together once.

Four times.

Three times.

Three and a half.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

No, no, it's all right,
it's all right, it's all right.

Listen, don't call me lover, okay?
It's disrespectful.

I have a name.

Can I call you "hottie"?

Okay.

Hey, look, you and I are doing
lunch duty together this week.

What?

Yeah, there you are
right on top of me.

Some things never change.

Oh, this is gonna be fun.

No, Stan, it's not.

It's gonna be strictly
business between us.

Really, I was vulnerable
before when we met,

but I am not making those
kinds of mistakes anymore.

I was a mistake?

Well, no, I don't mean that.

You weren't a mistake.

You were a choice I made
that I deeply regret.

Thanks.

Oh, you're still nice.

You're still foxy and...

you smell like
Thanksgiving, mm!

Okay, Stan, stop it!
Stop smelling me.

Compliments aren't going to get
me into bed anymore, all right?

I'm more mature now,

and I've stopped drinking
on an empty stomach.

Nothing is gonna happen.

Have you had breakfast yet?

No.

Then can I buy you a drink?

No! Okay?

Stan, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh! Maybe it's me that
smells like turkey.

How long have you
guys been going out?

A couple weeks,
but last night was the first time

she spent the night.

So why is she still here?

Richard, gross.

Why is she still here?

I don't know.
We woke up, I thought she'd leave.

Then she made eggs. I thought
she'd eat her eggs and leave.

Then she took a bath. I thought
she'd take a bath and leave.

Then she took a nap. I thought
she'd take a nap and leave.

Then she decided to sunbathe.

God, it's like a sexy
Dr. Seuss book.

I don't want her here all day.

I don't like her anyway.

Crap! Here she comes.
Act normal.

Oh, God!

Hi, guys.

Oh, Matthew, you have company.

Hi, I'm Amy, Matthew's friend.

Well, I guess
technically, girlfriend.

I'm new Christine.

It's nice to meet you.

I'm Richard. I like your tan.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, I found this suit
in the laundry room,

and I figured it's such a nice day,
you know?

Sweetie, I'm going to
start a load of whites.

Are you coming
out soon? Because

we really need to
talk about Christmas.

Christmas...

s weetheart.

Wow, she's oddly
comfortable around here.

I don't think I tried on one
of Christine's bathing suits

until we'd been dating
for four or five months.

They look better on you,
that's for sure.

Yeah, well, sorry if I don't
have time to be slinging hash

in the middle of the day.

I have a job. I work.

Yeah, women work.

It's the 20th century.

Who you talking to?

And why are you still
in the 20th century?

I was having an imaginary
fight with the meany moms,

and I was winning, too.

And everyone at the
school was on my side.

And for some reason,
Heath Ledger was there

and I think he was
about to kiss me.

I use him a lot.

I like his tan.

I was forced to sign up
for lunch duty today.

Guess who I'm stuck
doing it with? Stan.

Who?

Sad dad.

Who's sad dad?

He's some guy Christine
picked up at a gas station.

No, she picked him up
at the bus station.

No, I picked him up
at the supermarket.

Well, that's much better.

Now every time she runs into him,
she sleeps with him.

I am not going to
sleep with him!

There is zero-percent chance
I am going to sleep with him.

Oh, my gosh,
she's going to sleep with him.

Hey, you don't know me.

What is it about him
you can't resist?

Well, I have my reasons,
but I'd rather not say.

It's a secret.

And I know that that's
usually an announcement

that I'm going to
tell you something,

but in this case I really am
going to keep it to myself.

Give her some wine
and it's ours.

Who is that?

That's Amy. She spent the
night and now she won't leave.

Is she wearing my bathing suit?

What? She is? That's crazy.

Who does something like that?

- Chicken tenders.
- Mashed potatoes.

- Gravy.
- Green beans.

- Chicken tenders.
- Mashed potatoes.

- Gravy.
- Green beans.

- Chicken tenders.
- Mashed potatoes.

- Gravy.
- Green beans.

- Ah! Okay.
- And we're done.

Yeah, wasn't so bad.

Yeah, we make a
pretty good team.

You know, it's 'cause we
know each other's rhythms.

Probably because we've had sex.

No! Stan, stop it!

That is the third
time in eight minutes

you've mentioned our rhythms.

You need to stop.

God, you even look
hot in a hairnet.

No!

Now, I know in the past all
it took was a compliment

for you and me to
hit the futon,

but I told you
things have changed.

Oh, yeah, you know what?
I traded in the futon.

I got one of those
low Japanese beds.

What do you call those?

A futon.

Oh, yeah, right.

Well, I got a new one.

You broke the last one.

Stan, that is enough, okay?

Enough.

The answer is no.

Hey, you can't blame
a guy for trying.

Okay, anyway, Sam,
I will see you tomorrow at our shift.

Oh, hold on.
A little bit of potato there.

Let me get that for you.

Oh, damn it!

Sayonara, lover.

See you at school.

Oh, good, you're here.

How was your night
with Ritchie?

Good.

He wanted to play earthquake,
so I shook the couch,

I showed him how to
turn off the gas,

then we looted Matthew's room.

I told Amy we had to evacuate,

but she wouldn't come
out from the doorjamb.

And how about you?

How was your night?

Oh, good.

Boring. Cleaned out my TiVo.

Went to bed.

Where'd you sleep?

Oh, where I always sleep.

Oh, if you're wondering

why I'm coming into
the house right now,

it's because I've
started jogging...

Early in the morning.

I've begun to jog.

Why is there a bra
in your pocket?

Hmm, hmm?

Bra... in your pocket.

This is a jog bra.

I have one on,
naturally, but, um,

they suggest that you
carry an extra one

in case you, uh,
bust through the...

the, uh, the first one,

so I thought that
was a fine idea.

Okay, I slept with Stan.
Are you happy?!

A little.

There is something
wrong with me

and something even
more wrong with him.

You sound like a good couple.
Why you fighting it?

It's not funny, Richard.
I have a problem.

I cannot resist this
ridiculous man.

You know what? You've got to take
my lunch shift today, all right?

I can't be around him.

If I have to serve
lunch with him again,

I'm never going to
get off of his futon.

He has a futon?

So you stay with
him in his dorm?

No, no,
it's part of his Japanese thing.

- Oh, he's Japanese?
- No, he's weird.

You have to save me
from myself, Richard.

Please take my
lunch shift today!

All right, calm down.
I'll take your shift.

Okay.

Just hope I don't
sleep with him.

Yeah, well, you might,
so don't get cocky 'cause I got cocky.

Stan?

That's my name--
don't wear it out.

Perfect.

I'm gonna be working
lunch with you today.

Oh, I don't think so.

See, my girlfriend is supposed to
be working lunch with me today.

Yeah. Something came
up for Christine

and she asked me
to take her shift.

I think I know what
that something is.

I really put her through
the wringer last night.

You know... poor thing.

I mean, not that she can't hold her own.
She's a real firecracker.

Loves the dirty talk.

Who'd you say you were again?

I'm Richard, her ex-husband.

Okay. Please don't kill me.

Stan, it's okay. Really.

I'm happy for both of you.

I'm happy for all of us.

So...

What did she say about me?

She said you had a futon.

Yeah. I'm going through a
Japanese thing right now.

It started with rice...

Then I moved on to one of
those little fountains

from Bed, Bath & Beyond.

It's supposed to be soothing,

but it just makes me have to
get up every hour to go pee.

Perfect.

Christine, you have
sunk to a new low.

This isn't just the
bottom of the barrel,

you've gone under the barrel,

and dug a hole to Japan...

and found the
nearest filthy futon

and traded underwear
with the Iron Chef.

Okay, enough.

Look, I know that on the surface
he seems less than perfect,

but below the surface he
has a certain appeal.

He promised he'd give
your underwear back

as soon as he takes them off.

What could it possibly be
that has you jumping into bed

with him every time he's around?
Is he rich?

No, his only credit card is at Bed,
Bath & Beyond, and...

it's been turned over
to a credit agency.

Is he funny?

Never on purpose.

So what is it?
Are you just that desperate?

No!

Then what? I don't get it.

He has certain attributes
that make him appealing.

Are you talking about
the size of his...?

No!

No. You know that size
doesn't matter to me.

How would I know that?

'Cause I'm telling you.

Oh, right.

Then what is it about Stan?

He has a certain skill that
most guys believe they have

but most of them don't.

Oh, yeah. I have that skill.

What skill?

He's good with things.

You know-- girl things.

Things that girls like.

Shoes?

No, Richard, not shoes.

He...

He makes an effort in a...

par-tic-u-lar area...

...that is very
much appreciated.

Yup.

The guy's a champ.

Come on. That guy?

Oh, yeah.

And that's important?

Well, it's not important--
it's just a bonus.

Like air, or the sun.

Was I a champ?

Yeah, absolutely.

Just in a different sport.

Oh, my God.

She's planting tomatoes.

Those won't be ready
for three months.

She's planning to still be here
in three months for the harvest.

Yeah, well, in three months
I'll probably be engaged

to Teriyaki Stan, so...

Oh, my God.

It's probably him.

No one is home right now.

Please leave a message.

Hey, wait a minute. What happened
to the message we made together?

Oh, you weren't funny in it.

Hey, babe. Sorry I missed you today,
but I met your ex.

Someone has a type!

I hope you're okay.
I was a little worried

when I didn't hear from you.

I can see your car in the driveway,
so you must be home.

Oh, you're probably sleeping.

I won't come in,

but I love that picture
above the fireplace.

Call me when you wake up.

Dream of me?

Do you think he's gone?

Honey, it's Caroline and Brendan.
They want to do a game night.

Ugh! Should I just try
and get us out of it?

Uh, that'll be great.

I love you.

- "I love you"?
- I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't even know who
Caroline and Brendan are.

Matthew, you know what?
I think Richard might be right.

I think we might have a
problem with our relationships.

Why?

There's something about lying on
the floor hiding from our lovers

that's telling me we're not in
control of our lives as we should be.

You know, you're right.

Let's just go.

Let's get out of here.

We'll disappear,
change our names...

I'll be Mario.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

I even went to the ATM today.
I've got 40 bucks.

Oh, great.

Oh, wait. I have a son.

Shoot.

And it was the perfect plan.

No, running away
is not the answer.

- What are we gonna do?
- We're gonna be grownups.

- Do I have to wear a tie?
- No, Matthew.

- Mario.
- Mario.

All right, look.
This is what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go out
there and tell Amy

that this is moving
too fast for you

and you need your space
and she has to leave.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna move to
Phoenix with Ritchie.

No, you're gonna tell Stan that you have
no interest in a relationship with him.

While I'm sleeping with him?

No. No more sleeping with him.

Oh, Matthew,
you don't understand.

My brain says no,
but my pants say off.

All right-- new plan.

You go out there and
break up with Amy.

I'll take your shift at school
and break up with Stan.

Yeah yeah, that's seems to
be a very adult solution.

Richard, why do we have to
keep talking about this?

Just answer the question.

You're my champ.

That's not the same thing.

Am I a champ?

Richard, you're great.

You're funny. You're smart.

You make really great
spaghetti sauce.

And you work really
hard at everything.

What about... that?

You work really
hard at that, too.

But I don't care about that.

I like the thing you do.

- I could speed it up.
- No, don't.

- I could slow it down.
- Oh, God, no. Please.

Sweetie, I love you,

and that's all that matters.

I love you, too.

Honey, no.

So, the good news
is that Matthew

is so concerned
about your feelings

that he wasn't able
to do this in person.

So that's gotta
make you feel good.

What?

That doesn't even make sense.

When is Matthew coming home?

We need to figure
out Christmas.

Honey, you're done.

- What?
- Get out.

You're breaking up with me?

We have to...
but we still care about you.

You can keep my bathing suit.

And, so, Stan, the good news is

she didn't come here
and do this in person

because of the effect
you have on her.

So, uh, that's gotta
make you feel good.

But she's breaking up with me?

Well, yes, uh,
because she can't resist you,

and, uh, she'll always
care about you.

Well, I really appreciate her sending
you down here to do this directly.

That took guts.

Take care, Stan.

Wait, hold on.

You've got a little
mashed potato there.

I better go.