The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 4 - Oh God, Yes - full transcript

Matthew, turn off the TV,
dinner's almost ready.

Okay, dinner's ready.

Wait, submarine
sandwiches again?

This is, like, three days in a row.
What's going on?

Hey, are you sleeping with
the guy at Quizno's again?

No, I didn't sleep with him,
we just flirted.

He touched my cheek when
he gave me my Sun Chips.

And he gave me a free
punch on my card.

Is there anyone who
hasn't punched your card?

Quiet. I am on a quest.

I have to find that
sandwich I had last month.



I am telling you it
was the best sub

I've ever eaten in
my entire life.

So you have no idea where
the sandwich place was

no cross street, nothing.

No, somebody else was driving.

I had low blood sugar.

And it was raining.

Or I was crying... something.

I don't know.
I think it started with an "S."

Oh, was it Subway?

Yeah, Matthew,

I forgot the name of Subway.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, no... God, this isn't it.



Oh, this is disgusting.

I can't eat this. Really.

Mmm. This is definitely not it.

Hey there.

- Hey.
- Smells like onions in here.

That guy at Quizno's
still punching your card?

No, he touched my cheek.
You don't know anything about romance.

Hey... Hi, sweetie. Look at you.
You look so handsome.

Oh, just like a tiny
used car salesman.

I'm wearing my church clothes.

You sure are.

What?

Dad and New Christine
took me to church.

You took him to church?

Hey, who wants to
change the subject?

Yeah, I belong to the First
Methodist Church on Helm,

and today was our
autumn festival.

There were games and songs.

And all these nice people
that were happy to see me.

I love church.

Richard, he loves church.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

It's kind of bad timing.

New Christine has
woman problems.

Richard... I don't
have woman problems.

Sure you do. You got 'em bad.
We got to go.

Hold it, hold it.

Ritchie, you know what?
Why don't you go upstairs

and change into your play
clothes while I talk to Daddy.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, buddy.

Feel better, New Christine.

Oh, I don't have...

Thank you.

I'm going to go change
into my play clothes, too.

Godspeed.

You took him to church?

You took our son to church?!

Look, he wanted to go.
We were going anyway.

It didn't seem like
such a big deal.

What? You were going anyway?
What, you go to church now?

Why? Just because your cute,
young girlfriend does?

Hey.

And thanks.

You should've asked me.

Unbelievable.

I don't understand
what's going on.

Christine has this
thing about church.

It's not a thing.

Richard, you and I talked about it,
and we made the decision

that Ritchie was going to have
his spiritual education at home

and not in a church.

Watching Seventh Heaven is
not a spiritual education.

It is if you burn incense.

Christine, it's not a big deal.

You went behind my back.
That's a very big deal.

Man... your poor
parenting decisions

never cease to amaze me.

First, you want to take him
to a Rolling Stones concert,

and now you're taking
him to church?!

There isn't a
court in this land

that wouldn't give me full
custody of that boy right now.

What exactly is your
problem with church?

Yeah.

People who go to church

only like other people
who go to church.

Plus, they hate gay people.

And I hate anyone who hates.

You know what? She's right.

We don't have to go
to church anymore?

No, she's right about Ritchie.

This is a parenting decision.
It's something we shouldn't have done

without checking
with her first.

I'm sorry, Christine.

We made a mistake.

Oh, well, thank you.

I accept your apology.

I'm sorry, too. Geez.

Thank you.

I'm sorry I snapped.

It's an emotional issue.
I have low blood sugar.

Just be thankful I didn't cry.

All right,
hope you feel better.

Oh, I don't have...

Thank you.

God bless... Gesund...

Good luck to you then.

Ritchie, get up.
What are you doing?

I'm playing Battlefront Two.

I just blew up a village.

Good, okay.

Put that away, sweetie,
it's time for bed.

- Hey, Mom?
- Yeah.

- What are we?
- What do you mean?

Well, my friend
Riley is Catholic

and he says Catholics pray
to fathers and ghosts.

Yeah, they do.

And Peter is Jewish and he
doesn't eat cheeseburgers.

So, what are we?

Well, we're afraid of ghosts
and we love our cheeseburgers.

Good night, sweetie pie.

No, really. Are we something?

Um, well, yeah, of course,
we're something.

We're, um... we're Americans

and we're... Californians.

We bleed Dodger blue.

But you know what, Ritchie?
Religion isn't really about labels.

It's about what you believe in.

What do we believe in?

Uh, we believe in, uh,
n-nature, the earth...

recycling...

...and, uh,
we believe in dolphins

and, um, and diamonds.

What about God?

Oh, yeah,
and we believe in God.

Yeah, okay.

Good night, darling.

I want to go back to church.

How would you like
to go to the zoo?

I want to go back to church.

How would you like to go
to Church's Fried Chicken?

I want to go back to church.

Will you take me to church?

We'll see.

Doesn't "we'll see" mean no?

We'll see.

- Night, sweetie.
- Night.

I don't know why he
won't let this go.

I know. I dropped him off
at school this morning

and he kept asking me
all these questions.

Like, do I believe in God?
Is there a heaven?

Is Mommy going to hell?

Why would he think that
I was going to hell?

Maybe because you used that
handicapped parking permit

to do your Christmas
shopping last year.

Hey, I had an undiagnosed
sleep disorder.

And a lot of shopping to do.

Ooh, this looks promising.

Why don't you just take
Ritchie to church?

He'll probably go
once and be off it.

It's just like the fajitas.

Do you remember he kept
seeing those commercials

and all he wanted was fajitas?
It was fajitas, fajitas, fajitas.

And then you finally took him and he
got scared of that sizzling plate

and that was the
end of fajitas.

I mean, church will be
the exact same thing.

It's so weird the way he gets
obsessed with these things, you know?

Ugh, could they cut
these onions any thicker?

Ugh, this is wrong.

Anyway, I'm not a bad person

for not wanting to take
Ritchie to church, you know.

- I have my reasons.
- Such as?

Well, for one thing,
they're mean to gay people.

They don't pay their taxes.

Do you pay your taxes?

Hey, I'm handicapped.

Besides, I'm plenty
spiritual without church.

- How?
- I meditate.

- When?
- In the tub.

Well, that's not meditating,
that's mas...

Shut up.

Yeah, and that's another thing.

Who's the church to tell me that
I can't meditate in the tub?

I'm a divorced woman.
It's hard.

Not as hard as eating
during this conversation.

Okay, look, here's the thing.

You probably don't remember this,
but I when I was 12,

I took confirmation classes.

Wait, Mom and Dad
took you to church?

No, they dropped me off on
their way to Indian Bingo.

Anyway, I was 12 years old

and I was searching
for meaning in my life,

you know, after they canceled
The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Yeah, that was a good show.

I loved it.

Monroe.

No, that's Too
Close For Comfort.

Oh, that's another good show.

I'm telling a story here, okay?

Anyway, I was
having a hard time.

I was in junior high school,
I didn't have many friends,

and I was searching for
somewhere where I could belong.

And I thought that church
was where it could be.

So I went.

And nobody talked to me,

and I didn't know what was
going on most of the time.

But I kept going back.

I kept waiting for a sign;

something to tell me that
I was in the right place.

Well, so what happened?
Did you get your sign?

Yeah, I did.

On the day of my confirmation,

they forgot to call my name.

All the other kids got called
up to the front, one by one,

and I sat there in
my little white gown

with my beautiful flowers
waiting to be called.

You know, and at first I thought,
okay, they're going in order of height.

And then I thought,
oh, you know what?

They're probably going to
give me a special award

and they're saving
me to the last.

But no,
they never called my name.

They never called
me to the front.

So, hmm, I got my sign.

I don't belong in church.

Wow.

What did you do to God?

What? No.

That's not right.

It was them.

It wasn't me.

God...

Oh, anyway, you know,
I just don't want

Ritchie's perfect
little innocent soul

to be squashed like that,
like mine was. Okay?

They never called my name.

I know, honey, but you know,

that was 50 years ago,
and you're okay now.

I going to have to take him
to church, aren't I?

Why am I such a good mother?

Okay, Ritchie, you know what?
If you don't want to do this,

we can turn around right now
and we can go to the zoo.

It'll be fun.

But you said we
could go to church.

Oh, God,
I feel like I'm 12 again.

I don't know how to act or
what to do or where to look.

Hey, hey,
you're going to be fine.

I'm sure it's all going
to come back to you.

Okay. Come on, let's go.

All right, I'll see you inside.

Good morning, welcome.

Hello, father, or,
uh, your holiness.

Sir... oh.

That's really not necessary.
You can call me Ed.

And that's...
that's my wedding ring.

Oh, yes, right, of course, yes.
Married to God.

Or is it Jesus?

Actually, it's Joyce.

Well, you're a lucky man.

I mean, she's no Jesus, but...

So far, so good.

So, this is your first
time in church in a while.

Yes, since my
near confirmation.

What's a "near confirmation"?

La-la-la.

Well, I, um,
I went to church for a while.

I wanted to find
something there.

I was looking for a sign,
and then I finally got it.

What was the sign?

La-la-la.

Uh, it doesn't matter.

Who knows? Maybe today you'll
find a different sign.

We'll see.

That means no.

I know it's sometimes difficult to be
in a strange place with new people,

but I think you'll find we're
a very welcoming community.

And I'll bet you'll get a kick
out of our Sunday school.

Mrs. Orr is a hoot.

Oh, uh, no, no,
he's going to stay with me.

I know that God sees
everything and stuff

but he's got enough
on his plate,

what with the Middle East
and-and-and Project Runway,

- and, uh...
- La-la.

The kids really have a much better time
at Sunday school than at the service.

They've got puppets.

That sounds fun.

Really, Ritchie?

Aren't puppets scary,
with those dead eyes

and the real seeming
hair and everything?

Is it in there?

Yes, sir.

See you after, Mom.

Oh, uh...

Matthew, you go with him, okay?

And if anybody hurts his feelings,
you get him out of there.

- What if someone hurts my feelings?
- Matthew, go.

Are you ready?

Uh, yeah, I-I don't know,
I'm not sure.

How does your church
feel about gay people?

Oh, I think you'll feel
very welcome here.

Oh, no, I'm not gay.

Oh, well, we have a great many
gay people in our congregation.

Oh, like that guy?

We don't ask.

Trust me.

Shall we?

And although there were no actual
mountains in that area of Galilee,

it was nonetheless called
the Sermon on the...

Anyone remember?

The Sermon on the Mmm... oww--

Mouth.

No.

Not the Sermon on
the Mouth, Benji.

The Sermon on the Mount.

But that was very good.

Uh... And the
Sermon on the Mount

is talked about
in the Book of...

Maa... Math--

Mouth.

Not mouth.
It's never going to be mouth.

- Matthew.
- What?

The Book of Matthew.

And isn't that
interesting, Pippo?

Yes, it is, Mrs. Orr.

Are you having fun, Pippo?

A little.

Is that a real monkey?

We've really got to
get you to the zoo.

Oh, well, since someone is
in the mood for talking,

maybe you'd like to tell us
about the Sermon on the Mount.

Uh, well,
in the Sermon on the Mount,

Jesus was talking to his
disciples about the Golden Rule.

You know, "Do unto others as you
would have them do unto you."

Yes. Did you hear that, Pippo?

I sure did, Mrs. Orr.

I-I-I was Jesus'
understudy in Godspell.

The guy never got sick.

Learned all the lines,
never got to go on.

What's Godspell?

And now we will read
from the scripture.

All rise.

"How good and pleasant it is

when brothers live
together in unity.

By all the earth-born race
His honors be expressed;

but saints that know
His heavenly grace

should learn to
praise Him best."

"Praise Him best."

And now we will sing.

# Nearer my God to thee #

# Nearer to thee #

# Even though it be a
cross that raiseth me... #

# Still all... #

Psalm 148.

- "When the Lord...
- "When the Lord...

Why-why don't you take it?

# Day by day #
# Day by day #

# Day by day #
# Day by day #

# Oh, dear Lord, #
# three things I pray #

# Three things I pray... #

Let us pray.

Sorry.

It was... it was my stomach.

I had a funky submarine
sandwich for breakfast.

God, d-do we get
communion here?

'Cause I think some of those
wafers might help settle things.

And a little wine wouldn't hurt,
either, if you know what I mean.

Oh, sorry.

And that longing is
something we all experience,

that longing for fulfillment.

Oh, we try to sate
ourselves with more--

more money, more work,
more things--

but we remain
unfulfilled, lonely.

- It's true.
- Yeah.

It's only in moments of quiet,

when the demands
of the day recede.

Charge!

It's only then that we find the
quiet that we need to reflect.

Let's create that
quiet right now

and breathe deeply.

As you breathe in and out,

let those breaths bring
you closer to calm,

closer to serenity.

Let those breaths bring
you closer to new insights

and a fuller understanding
of the human condition.

With each breath,
you'll be inspired to dig deeper,

to be more compassionate,
to be more generous.

And you will look around you
and realize you are not alone.

And you don't need
to be afraid,

because the answers
to all your questions

have been there all along.

Before we conclude,

I'd like everyone to say
hello to a new friend.

Christine Campbell.

Everyone please make
her feel welcome.

Oh, oh, thank you. Hi.

Could this be my sign?

Christine, would you mind joining
me up here for the final hymn?

Oh, up to the front.

I think this is my sign.

So go.

Kickoff's in ten minutes.

# Amazing Grace, #
# how sweet the sound #

# That saved a wretch like me #

# I once was lost, #
# but now I'm found #

# Was blind but now I see... #

# And grace my fears relieved #

# How precious did #
# that grace appear #

# The hour I first believed. #