The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 3 - Come to Papa Jeff - full transcript

Um, did I not mention to
you my new philosophy?

Of saying yes.

Does that mean
you want me to...

Yes.

And he's sincere and easygoing,
and sexy,

I just really like him.

Daddy?

Christine.

What?

- That's my date.
- That's my father.

- You're father?
- Your date?



You got to be
freaking kidding me.

Don't answer that.

Hi, we're not home right now.
So leave a message for Christine,

- Ritchie,
- and... say it.

Matthew.

Oh, come on.

Hi, Christine, this is Jeff.

Haven't heard from
you since our date.

Don't know if you got my message so
I thought I'd leave another one.

I'm hoping that you didn't
get the first message,

because now there'd be two
messages on your machine

and that would make
me look not cool.

And I think we both
know how cool I am.

Bye.



Well, he sounds cool.

Why aren't you talking to him?
I thought you liked him.

No, I do like him but
he's new Christine's dad.

I mean we had a great
first date and everything

but don't you
think that's weird?

That he wants a second date
with you-- absolutely.

Shut up.

You'd marry me in a second.

Besides, I'm too busy to date.

Well, call me when you're free.

What are you doing?

I finally decided to
get my act together.

Wait, this isn't about your audition
tape for So You Think You Can Dance.

No, not that act.

Ooh, although I did watch
that tape the other day

and I don't think
I can dance...

I can dance.

I have decided to
get organized.

You know how I'm always writing
little reminders to myself

on little scraps of paper,

and then nothing
ever gets done?

Well, from now on,

everything I have to do
is going on this board.

Come on, help me.

- This one has gum in it.
- All right.

Well, then skip it,
give me another one.

"Get dry erase board."

Huh.

What do I do, should I write
it down then cross it out?

God, I don't know.
This has never happened before.

Okay, give me another one.

What's a witch detective?

Oh, that's my idea
for a TV show.

- Oh, that's really good.
- Yeah.

All right, um, oh, here.

Grandparents' Day--
this Friday. Write that down.

What's Grandparents' Day?

Oh, it's another way Ritchie's
school has of getting money.

They invite all the grandparents
for a pancake breakfast,

and try to get them to include
Westbridge into their wills.

Wait... uh, Mom and Dad are
coming here this weekend?

You can't just
spring this on me.

I told them I was
on sabbatical.

Uh, where was I?
When did I get back?

What the hell is a sabbatical?

Relax, they're not
coming to see you.

They're going straight to school,
say hi to Ritchie

and be out of there before
their beers get warm.

Don't answer that.

Hi, we're not home right now,
so leave a message for Christine,

- Ritchie,
- and... say it.

Matthew.

Oh, come on.

Hey, it's me,
just thought I'd true you again.

Get that, I'll wait.

I'm at the door.

She's coming.

I didn't want to just stop by,
but it was either this

or drop leaflets on your
lawn from a plane, so,

here I am.

I was going to
return your calls

but I've been super-duper busy.

Yeah, since Witch
Detective took off,

we hardly see her anymore.

Get out.

Come on in.

What-what, um,
what are you doing here?

Well, I can't stop
thinking about our date.

I thought it... it was great.

But then, when you didn't call me back,
I thought maybe it wasn't great.

And then I started thinking about the
other things I thought were great,

and maybe they
weren't great either.

I-Is baseball great?

Is democracy great?
I-I don't know anymore.

No, it was;
it was a great date.

So let's go on another one.

Oh, I don't know. You're my
ex-husband's girlfriend's father.

I mean...
isn't that a little weird?

Give it one more chance.
One date.

And if it's still weird,
we'll just give it one more chance.

Oh, you're her father.

But when I'm with you,
I'm not thinking about Old Christine.

What-- who?

Oh, sorry, it's just that I've
known my daughter longer, so

I refer to you as New Christine,
which makes her Old Christine.

Well, one more date
wouldn't kill me.

So... second date wasn't so bad,
was it?

No. In fact, I think it was
better than our first date.

Wonder what's going to
happen on our third date?

Well, I'll give
you a little hint:

If it's anything like my
previous third dates...

you might want to work
on your home run trot.

So you're still feeling
okay about everything?

Yeah, you know,
so what if it's a little weird.

Yeah, some of my best relationships
have been a little weird.

And when it's just us,
not weird at all.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Hey, Daddy.
- Hey, Christine.

- Hey, Christine.
- Hey, Christine.

- Hey, Christine.
- Hey, Richard.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hey, Ritchie.

Hey, Christine.

I think we're done.

I-I have to go, Mom.

No, they're calling us back
to the sabbatical room.

Yeah, of course it has a room.

Uh, do you even know
what a sabbatical is?

Oh, it is?

Okay, I-I love you.

I do show it. I have to go.

Bad news.

Mom and Dad can't make
Grandparents' Day.

Why not?

Dad's run out of miles on his car lease,
Mom did some calculations

and, at 15 cents a mile,
it just wasn't worth it.

Does this mean I can't
go to Grandparents' Day?

No, of course not, sweetie.

You know what, Uncle Matthew
will go as your special friend.

I don't want to go
with a special friend.

The only one in my grade
who has a special friend

is that weird kid
with the gray hair.

To be honest,
I'm also getting a little uncomfortable

introducing myself as a
nine-year-old boy's "special friend."

Daddy, maybe you could go
as Ritchie's grandfather.

You guys had so much fun when we went
miniature golfing the other day.

Well, I'd be happy to,
if Ritchie wants me to.

Yeah, that'd be great!

What?! No, no.
I'm sorry, that's not appropriate.

Appropriate? You once
dated your cousin.

Second cousin.

And he asked me out.

Besides, it would be confusing.

Jeff is way too young
to be a grandfather.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

Your hands don't shake;
you've heard of TiVo.

You can't be a grandfather.

Yes, I can.

No, you can't.

But I am a grandfather.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am. I have two grandchildren
from Christine's sister.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.
Their names are Sasha and Caleb.

No, they're not.

He's such a good grandfather.

Those kids love
their Papa Jeff..

P... Papa Jeff?

That's what they call me.

Please can I go with Papa Jeff?

I don't have anyone
else to go with.

Uh...

F... Fine, Ritchie.

He can go with you.

- Who can go with him?
- Shut up.

Hello, everyone.

I'd like to welcome you to the
Westbridge school Grandparents' Day.

I'm Marcy Nunley; I'm the new
principal here at Westbridge.

And I'd especially like to
welcome all of our grandparents,

our parents and
special friends-- Hi.

I know those pancakes
are tasty, but

this event is really about
raising money for our children

and our school.

Remember our theme:

"You can't take it with you,
and we'd love to have it."

I'm really glad
you let me come.

Yeah, me too.

So is this considered
our third date?

Because I brought
my batting glove.

Your mother looks like
she's having a good time.

No, she's just had so many face lifts,
her mouth is stuck that way.

The kids call her the Joker.

I think it upsets her.

How can you tell?

Oh, hey, look-- it's Christine.

Who's she with?

Is that her dad?

It must be.

Wow, he's so handsome
and well-dressed.

Oh, she must take
after her mother.

Oh, God, that's good.

You know, sometimes,
I wish I was the funny one

and you were the pretty one.

I think those two women
are staring at us.

Ugh, ignore them.

Those are the meanie moms.

They're awful-- all they do
is judge everyone and gossip.

Should I step away?

Are you embarrassed
to be seen with me?

Because if you'd rather be with
one of the other grandfathers,

I completely understand.

You know, I can honestly say that
you are the only grandfather

I have ever wanted to be with.

- Oh! Hello.
- Daddy's girl.

I'm going to bring
Ritchie his pancakes.

Okay. I'm going to get us some coffee.
I'll be right over there.

- Hi, Christine.
- Hi.

You having a nice
Grandparents' Day?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I am.

You seem to have a
very close family.

Yes, you certainly seem
to be daddy's best girl.

W hat?

Oh. Ew! Oh, no.
That's not my father.

No, no, no.
That's New Christine's father.

Why were you kissing him?

Um, because I'm, um...

I'm sort of dating him.

You're dating your ex-husband's
girlfriend's father?

Yeah. That's right.

Well, you know, Christine,
if we don't tell you enough,

we are so happy you're
at this school.

That's nice.

Ugh! I got so distracted
by those meanie moms,

I left my pancakes
at the buffet.

Well, have some of mine.

Oh, thank...

Mmm. Thank you.

Can I have a bite, Daddy?

Do you want some
more, Princess?

- No, I'm good.
- No, thank you.

Oh. I think he
was talking to me.

Actually, he's called me
Princess since I was a baby.

My dad called me Frizz.

- Hey, Mom.
- Hi, sweetie.

Uh, can I go show my art
project to Papa Jeff?

Ritchie, don't call him that.
It makes your mom feel preposterous.

No, it doesn't.
I'm completely fine.

Yes, Ritchie,
go show your project to...

...Pa... Papa Jeff.

Okay, Ritchie, but we better
stop by the nurse's office

and have your hearing checked.

I think you got something
in your ear... oh!

Awesome!

Did you...?

What is it about grandpas that they
can always find change in kids' ears?

I know you're really
enjoying yourself, Richard,

but I just want you to know,
it doesn't bother me at all.

- It doesn't?
- No.

Not even a little bit?

I said it doesn't bother me.

Yeah, I've decided to do this.

I'm going all the way. In fact,
today counts as our third date,

so when I say I'm going all the way,
I mean, I'm going to...

- Mrs. Nunley. Hi.
- Hi.

I just wanted to make sure I got
to say hi to all the grandparents.

Oh. Unfortunately, my parents
couldn't make it this year.

Oh. Oh, that's too bad.
And you are...?

Oh, I'm Christine Campbell.
I'm Ritchie's mom.

- Oh, of course. Hi.
- Hi.

We invited my father instead.

Oh, fantastic.
And you must be...?

I'm also Christine.
His girlfriend.

Oh, I see.
Which would make you...?

I'm Ritchie's dad, her ex-husband.
Her boyfriend.

Hi.

I know it sounds a little complicated,
but I'm fine with it.

It works for me,
so nothing else really matters.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

I just thought of
the greatest thing.

If New Christine
and I get married,

and you and Jeff get married,

you'll be my mother-in-law.

No, I won't.

The fourth grade class
will now sing a song

to those important people in
our lives we call grandparents.

Hey, Christine,
what do you have

when mother-in-law's up
to her neck in concrete?

Not enough concrete.

Funny. It was funny 20 minutes ago,
and it's funny now.

# You're a grand old man, #
# you're a generous man #

# And we love how you #
# give to our school #

# With your silver hair #

# You were there last year, #
# when we needed an Olympic pool #

# Should auld #
# acquaintance you forget #

# Just remember #
# we need your check! #

Did you enjoy the singing,
Mother Campbell?

You still got it.

I got another one:

What do you have when your mother-in-law
is up to her neck in quicksand?

I hate you?

Close.

Sand that's not quick enough.

Oh, hey, I got one.

What did the mother-in-law
do to thejackass?

What?

Ow!

Don't pay attention
to him, Christine.

What the hell is
wrong with you now?

I'm just so happy.

I love my dad so much,
and I've always respected you.

And now that you're together,
it's just so great.

You know, I never had a very
close relationship with my mother.

We hardly ever talked.

And I got my period
at a very young age.

Oh, my God,

I-I got to get out of here.

I-I can't breathe.

I don't know why
I let myself get close.

Christine, hold on.

I don't want to hear
any more jokes.

Come on, you joke about
New Christine all the time.

Like how she's so dumb, she has to
take off her shirt to count to two.

Or when you killed that moth,

and you said she moved up
on the brain donor list.

Well, that's different.
That's funny.

Anyway, it's not just
your lame jokes, Richard.

It's everything.

It's the pancakes and the
princess and the periods.

She's not my daughter.

I don't want to be her mother.

I thought you liked Papa Jeff.

I do. I did. I-I don't know.

I just...
I've just got to get home.

Wait. What do I tell people?

I don't know.
Just tell them I got sick.

That was my mother-in-law.

She had to leave.

Her broom was double-parked.

It's funny.

Oh, I'm glad you're home.

I went through all your papers
and completely organized your life

for the next two months.

Everything is color-coded,
according to type of activity:

Home, Work,
Ritchie or Personal,

and I devised this dot
system to indicate priority.

I think you're, uh,
really going to like it.

I may be wrong.

What are you doing?

I'm sorry,
but this situation with Jeff

is getting more and
more complicated.

I need the board.

I need to chart what our
family tree would look like

if Richard married New Christine
and I married her father.

Okay. Let's put
it on the board.

Okay. Write my name in
the middle of the board.

Yes. Now write
Richard next to me,

and connect us with a line.

A broken line.

Thank you.

And then put Ritchie
underneath us.

Yes.

And then put New
Christine next to Richard.

And write...

P... Pa... Papa Jeff

up there.

That is correct.

Now draw a line from
New Christine up

and across and
over to me, and...

Oh, my God.

I'm Ritchie's grandmother.

Where should I put me?

Oh, who cares?
Just go next to me.

All right,
now what we have to figure out is

what would happen
if we had a baby.

You and me?

What? No. Ew!

Why would we have a baby?

I don't know.
Let's just play with it.

Okay, stop it!

Matthew, stop!

Come on, draw a line from me and
Papa Jeff down to our daughter.

Why daughter?

I don't know. I figure, at my age,
it's more likely I'd have a daughter.

At your age,
it's more likely you'd have dust.

Matthew, would you
please help me?

Sorry. What's your
daughter's name?

Um... I don't know-- Jordan.

Really? What about Kayla?

Yeah, that's nice, too.

- Oh, I know. How about Emma?
- Oh, that's good.

Hey, what about Pockets?

Pockets?!

No. It's Emma.

Oh... my God.

Emma is my daughter
and my granddaughter,

and Ritchie's sister
and Ritchie's aunt.

And if we had Emma,
she'd be your daughter and niece,

and Ritchie's
sister and cousin.

What? What?!
Why are you doing this?

Why do you keep trying
to make us have a baby?!

I don't know. I don't know
why I'm doing any of this.

Who is it?

Is everything okay?

Richard told me
you had diarrhea.

Oh, God.

Should I put it on the board?

Get out.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't have... that.

What happened?
Why did you leave?

I don't know.
I just freaked out.

I had to come home
and get it straight.

I charted what our family
tree would look like.

- Looks confusing.
- Confusing?!

Connect the dots,
you get a map of freakin' Alabama!

Aren't you getting a
little ahead of yourself?

No, I'm not.

- Who's Emma?
- That's our daughter.

Hey, Jeff...
today, at Ritchie's school,

with everybody there, I got a glimpse
of what the future would be like,

and it is so messed up.

Is that because you and
Matthew have a baby?

Okay, stop--
stop looking at the board, okay?

I... Oh! I like you a lot.

And I like you.

So why can't we just look
past the other stuff?

Look, you've got to understand
this from my point of view.

I mean, what if I said that,
in order to date me,

we'd have to hang out with
your ex-wife and her husband?

I'd rather have diarrhea.

Exactly.

I mean,
it's great when it's just us,

but it's never
going to be just us.

It's always going to be weird.

Isn't this a conversation
for way down the line?

No. Way down the line,
I'm going to be in love with you,

and then it's going to be too painful
to tell you I don't want to do this.

You don't want to do this?

It's just...
It's too incestuous.

You dated your second cousin.

Actually, he was
my first cousin.

And I asked him out.

I think you're
making a mistake.

Yeah. That's what my aunt said.

No. No. About us.

What? Oh, yes. No.
Yeah, probably, I am.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

Well...

it was a great
two-and-a-half dates.

And I'd be willing to round it
up to three if you want to.

I don't think so.

I hope you're sure about this, because
once I leave, I'm not coming back.

Unless you want me to.

Bye, New Christine.

Bye.

That is one hot grandpa.