The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Answer Is Maybe - full transcript

You know who else I hate?

Magicians.

Here's a trick--

lose the cape and move out
of your parents' garage.

Are you even listening to me?

Christine!

Ow!

Barb.

Relax, it's just
a pumpkin seed.

It really hurt.

Hmm. It may have
been a push pin.



What are you looking at?

Richard.

Look at him,

chatting up that girl.

What is he doing here anyway?

This is a women-only gym.

There's not supposed to be men leering
and saying filthy things while I work out.

He didn't say anything to you,
did he?

No.

Change stations now.

Hey!

"Change stations now."

God.

Am I bleeding?



A little.

What's the matter
with you, crazy?

You're gonna scare all
the customers away.

I'm trying to scare
you away, Richard.

This is a gym for women only.

That's why there's a sign out
front that says, "For women only."

Yeah, and if that doesn't
keep the men away,

she puts the fatties in
the machines by the window.

Okay, Barb--
first of all, they're people. Okay?

And second of all,
we refer to them as "befores."

Who is that girl?

That's Denise.

She works at the deli I go to.

I saw her here
and we started talking, so I...

Wow.

Hey! Change stations now!

Richard, could you do me a favor
and not hit on my hot clients?

How do you think that
makes Barb feel?

Hey.

I wasn't hitting on her.

She asked me out.

What'd you say?

What do you think I said?
Look at her.

Wow.

I wonder if they make
something like that in a man.

Barb.

Sorry.

Oh, shoot. I gotta go.
I've been here for 35 minutes.

Remind me to take five minutes
off my workout tomorrow.

I don't want to get too big.

Richard, I thought you were still
torn up about New Christine.

Last week you told me you
couldn't get through a single day

without thinking about
her every second.

Now you're out there
slobbering over that coed.

I mean, what,
what the hell's wrong with you?

I am still in love
with New Christine,

but I've called her,
I've e-mailed her,

I sent her pictures of myself
wearing nothing but a hardhat.

What am I supposed to do--
be alone for the rest of my life?

Hey, I'm doing it.

I mean,
how does this even happen to you?

You buy a sandwich from someone and
next thing you know you've got a date?

Easy. I say yes to life.

I say yes to life.

Have you dated anyone
since last May?

No.

Have you made any new friends?

No.

Have you done anything fun?

No.

But the corporate office sent me
a voucher for a weekend in Sedona.

Did you use it?

No.

Yeah. You're all about "yes."

Well, I hate the desert, okay?

The dry air makes
sparks in my hair.

Hey, I said yes to you.

Look where that got me.

Good one.

And I just don't understand
that mentality, you know?

New Christine broke up
with him three months ago.

He loved her. He still does.

Now he's out there toying
around with some young thing?

I mean, explain that to me.

I think it's kind of like that
dog we had growing up-- Jumbles.

Do you remember how he used
to always hump the furniture

or anyone who came over?

Come on,
Richard's not like that.

Well, no.
Jumbles was a gentleman.

You know, women like sex, too.

It's just that if we don't have it
for a week, we don't feel the need

to pounce on the first
thing that comes along.

We... channel it in
productive ways.

Meaning?

We drink.

Or shop.

Or eat. God, I am starving!

- What are you guys talking about?
- Denise.

Matthew.

Who's Denise?

Um...

She's a,
a new machine at the gym.

Do other machines have names?

Just the dirty ones.

So what's the new machine like?

Cheap.

A lot of plastic parts.

Easy to get on and off.

Sounds like a fun machine.

You know, Ritchie,
now, listen to me.

You stay away from
machines like that, okay?

I'm not kidding.
You understand me?

I'm gonna go wash my hands.

Good. Clean is good.

Yeah, he's gonna be okay.

He's a clean boy.

What do you care who
Richard messes around with?

I don't care, okay?

I just don't want Richard parading
a string of floozies around my boy.

Do they still make floozies? I thought
they discontinued floozies in the '40s.

You know what I mean.

God, we thought New Christine was bad.
Denise is even worse.

Yeah, and it's only
going downhill from here.

As Richard gets older, the women are
gonna have to get stupider and sluttier

in order for Richard to be able to
trick them into sleeping with him.

You know, he really had it
good with New Christine.

If only we could fix Richard
the way we did Jumbles.

Oh, my God.

I know.

I would have called first,
but I didn't have your number.

Oh, that's okay.

I wouldn't have
been home anyway.

Well, I probably would have just
left a message on your machine.

I'm sorry,
I didn't check my messages.

I... No,
I-I didn't leave a message.

I-I didn't have your number.

Oh. Well,
I should give it to you.

Great.

Listen. New Christine...

Oh, you know,
you can just call me Christine.

Oh, sorry. Old habit.

New Christine,
here's the thing.

I really think that you and
Richard should get back together.

He really misses you.
He talks about you all the time,

and, to tell you the truth,
he's kind of a mess without you.

Wow.

I didn't expect that.

I thought for sure you were going to
tell me you guys were getting married.

Or you're going out of town
and wanted me to house-sit.

Uh... No, no,
I'm not going anywhere.

And I'm not marrying Richard.

He wants to be with you.

Well, he obviously still
has feelings for you.

He kissed you.

Well, we have history.

With his tongue.

Nasty history.

But he really does
miss you, and...

God, if it makes you feel any
better, Ritchie misses you, too.

And Matthew.

And... me.

I miss you, too.

Oh... I don't think
I can take him back.

Listen, New Christine,
I have a personal philosophy

that I would love
to share with you.

What is it, Old Christine?

No.

My philosophy is...

Say yes to life.

- This is your philosophy?
- Yes.

You say yes to life?

Yes. Why is it so freakin' hard
for people to believe that?

Call him. Say yes to life.

Well, I have to think about it.

Okay. Well, that's fair enough.

- I'm glad I came over.
- Oh, me, too. Yeah.

Come on. Open.

Do you need help?

I locked my keys in my car.

I think I can unlock
it if I can just...

...drop my card into
the door. Good.

Okay, that's done.

Well, do you have Triple-A?

I do. That was my card that
just fell into the door.

If you could just help me
turn the car upside down,

maybe we could shake it out.
You want to grab the front...?

You smell good.

Excuse me?

No, nothing.

Uh... there was just a
breeze and I smelled you.

I-I have a very sensitive nose.

I don't think anyone ever smells good,
but... you do.

So. Bye-bye.

Wait, you're just gonna
smell me and walk away?

Yeah. I think I am.

I just wish I'd walked away
before I told you that...

I smelled you.

It's okay.

It's the best thing that
happened to me all day.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Good luck.

You seem like a...
very together guy.

I'm sure you'll be able
to figure this one out.

Now you're making fun of me?

No, no,
I was just flirting, but...

sometimes it comes out mean.

- I'm not good at it.
- Oh, well, me neither.

I have to stage a whole locked-out-of-my-car
thing just to get women to talk to me.

You staged this?

No. Just kidding.

You see, my keys are right there
on the seat next to my cell phone.

And the donor heart
I was transporting.

Oh, really?

No. That's fun to
do to you, though.

Well, it was nice
chatting with you.

I'll smell ya later.

You want to have
dinner with me?

Oh, no. I don't even know you.

You're just some guy on
the side of the road.

No, I'm not just some guy.
I own a successful business,

but I give a lot to
the environment.

Kind of rich hippie.

I also love animals. Especially lamb--
grilled with a little rosemary.

Come on, it's just dinner.
Say yes.

Yes.

Really?

Yes.

Oh, wait a minute,
you're not married, are you?

- No.
- Then yes.

You don't live with your mother,
do you?

She's been dead for ten years.

Then yes.

Oh, you're not an alcoholic,
are you?

Not anymore.

Then yes.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah.

How do I look?

Looks like your butt's
coming out your front.

Shut up.

Is it okay?

Looks like you're trying to smuggle a
couple of bald guys across the border.

- I'm changing.
- I'm kidding. You're fine.

What are you so nervous about?

I'm going on a date with
a complete stranger.

Why did I say yes?

If I'd said no, I'd be safely tucked
in bed with a tumbler of chardonnay

and a big bag of barbecue
potato chips on my lap.

You know, you are one mattress
fire away from being Mom.

Why did you say yes?

Aw, it's my stupid
new philosophy.

Sleeping with strangers seems more
like your college philosophy.

Barb, it's a first date, okay?

I'm not sleeping with anybody.

Unless he asks.

Hey.

Whoa. I remember those guys.

What are you doing here?

New Christine called. She wants to
get together and talk things over.

We're going out tonight.

Oh, that is great.

Yeah, she told me you went over there
and I just want to say really...

How you guys doing?

Don't answer him.

- I have a problem, though.
- What?

When New Christine called, Denise was over
and I couldn't exactly get rid of her,

and now I don't
know what to do.

- Well, where is she now?
- In my truck out front.

You left the girl
sitting in your truck?

I put the radio on.

You're not afraid she'll
chew up the seats?

So that's the new
machine at the gym.

- She's cute, huh?
- Oh, definitely.

I'll take her off your hands.

Seriously? That
would be awesome.

Anything I should know first?

She doesn't like ethnic foods,
and stay away from book stores.

Good to know.

This is a woman you
are talking about.

That's why I asked
those questions.

Here you go.

Anything interesting
happen while I was gone?

No.

I saw you fall off the couch.

Oh, yeah, I fell off the couch.

So I want to hear more
about your new philosophy.

Oh, you know, it's pretty simple really.
I just say yes to everything.

Check please.

No, not everything. It's just...
it's just that my ex-husband...

well, he kind of pointed out that I tend
to be closed off to new opportunities.

So I thought I'd just, you know,
try and change it up a bit.

You have a pretty good
relationship with your ex?

Yeah, pretty good. We talk.

Make out sometimes.

That's a story for another day.

So how's your divorce?

It looks like it's
going to stick.

She's remarried.
To our marriage counselor.

Also a story for another day...

- Is everything okay there?
- Oh, yes, sorry.

Sorry. They don't
get out that much.

They're a little excited.

So, um, did Richard say
when he was coming back?

Oh, yeah, should be any time now.
He just called.

He's, uh...
running a few minutes late.

I didn't hear the phone ring.

Oh, you didn't? Well,
that's because I picked up the phone

to make a call before
it rang and, uh...

he was already on the line.

You know how that happens sometimes,
and... and you say, "Uh, hello."

Uh, then they... I can't do this.
He didn't really call.

I got that.

I'm sorry. Do you want me
to take you home now?

What are my other choices?

Wow.

I didn't see that coming.

I can't believe
how stupid I was.

You're the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

And I haven't thought about
anything else since you left.

I've been so lonely
without you, too.

Why does it smell
like deli in here?

Oh, Christine.

So, this is it.

I had a really great time.

I'm really glad I said yes.

I'm glad you said yes, too.

I'm really glad you got
locked out of your car.

I'm glad you noticed the
back door was unlocked.

We should do this
again sometime.

Oh, yeah,
that would be wonderful.

Good night.

Um... did I not mention to you

my new philosophy
of saying yes?

You did.

Does that mean
you want me to...

Yes.

This is the best
philosophy ever.

Matthew...

Uh, Jeff,
this is my brother Matthew.

- Hi.
- Hello.

And Denise.

My ex-husband and
brother's date.

Well, it's getting late and
I have to work in the morning.

And my cat's home alone,
I should go feed him.

- Or we could go to my room.
- Okay.

So...

good night.

Yep.

You guys want me to leave
so you can talk about me?

Just for a second.

- Where's the bathroom?
- It's right that way.

Take your time.

Matthew, that was really
embarrassing to come home

and find you making out on
my couch with a stranger.

Well, how do you think it was
for me being sat on by you

making out with a
stranger on the couch?

We were not raised well.

So how was it?

Oh, I had such a great time.

I mean he is so fun and
interesting and smart.

Wait, smarter than you?

God, yes.

And he's sincere and
easy-going and sexy.

I just really like him.

- God, I'm happy for you.
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- Oh, hey.
- We saw the lights on.

Yeah, come on in.
We're having a make-out party.

We just wanted to say thank you.
We had an amazing night.

We talked everything out,
and well, we're back together.

- Congratulations.
- That's so fabulous!

Yeah, once we started talking,
all the old feelings came back.

Now I smell deli in here.

Oh, Christine.

And, uh, just for the record,

we weren't having
a make-out party.

And what about you?
How'd it go?

Christine had a date with a guy
she picked up on the street.

Oh, it's gotten worse.

Oh, no, no, it was fantastic.

I'm telling you, when you say yes,
amazing things happen.

Christine, did you happen to
grab my keys out of the car?

Triple A is going to
be so pissed at me.

Daddy?

Christine?

What?

- That's my date.
- That's my father.

- Your date?
- Your father?

You got to be
freakin' kidding me.