The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Passion of the Christine - full transcript

Oh. Hey, Burton.

Who is this?

This is my girlfriend.

- Girlfriend?
- Hi. I'm Christine.

Are you freaking kidding me?

I'm breaking up with you.

Christine...

- You kissed me. You kissed me.
- You kissed me. You kissed me.

Damn it if I wouldn't
kiss you again right now.

Did you hear about the
restaurant on the moon?

No.



Great food-- no atmosphere.

Okay. That's good.

All right, who wants
some more pancakes?

Okay, my turn. A traveling
salesman stops at a farm.

The farmer has three
daughters and a cow.

Richard! Richard, no.

There's no more coffee.

Richard finished it off.

Oh, Richard did.

Yeah, just make some more.

I don't know how.

So, honey, what do you think?

First day of fourth grade.
New teacher.

- Are you nervous?
- No.



'Cause even though
you're nervous, honey,

and you're gonna miss
Mrs. Belt, remember,

you're getting a new teacher who
might even be better than Mrs. Belt.

Better how?

Well... I had a fourth-grade
teacher who was really nice.

He even took us camping once.
Just the girls.

Oh, Richard, you know what,
you better get going,

if you're going to finish the
drywall in the laundry room.

I'm not paying you
to eat pancakes.

You're not paying me at all.

Say good-bye to your bonus.

Okay, buddy, you need to go
upstairs and brush your teeth.

- Not just the front two.
- Okay.

Yeah, you've got to brush
all the ones that show.

- Okay, I'll take him. Oh!
- Oh, what a big boy.

I want him gone.

What is your problem?

He is here all the time, drinks all
the coffee. He eats all the food.

He falls asleep on the couch
with his hand in his pants.

And if he's doing all that,
what do you need me for?

Oh, come on. I need you.
You're my brother.

It's in my will.
You're pulling my plug.

Wait. I thought Mom
was pulling your plug.

No, Mom is pulling your plug.

You're pulling my plug.

You know what?
Pull your own plug.

Come on. We have to be nice
to Richard. He's in pain.

I mean not only did "New
Christine" break up with him,

but she won't even
return his phone calls.

He's having a hard time.

So you're just letting him hang around
here out of the goodness of your heart?

Yeah.

You know me. I'm a good person.

Shut up. I am.

Right, or you're taking advantage of his
neediness to make you feel less lonely.

Oh, Matthew, that is so awful.

Who do you think I am?

Well, it's either that or
you're exploiting his break-up

to get him to build
you a new laundry room.

Yeah, that's who I am.

But how did the salesman
not know the difference

between a cow and a
farmer's daughter?

Sweetie, you have got
to let this go, okay?

It is not a true story,
and it's filthy.

Okay? Now go and
find your cubby.

- Hello, Christine.
- Hello.

You made it back.

Yes, of course I made it back.
Why wouldn't I make it back?

How was your vacation?

Don't say "vacation."
She works.

She's probably going to get
fired just for being here.

No, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine.

No, my summer was
great, actually.

Richard's building me
a new laundry room.

It's got a super-capacity
washing machine.

It's so big you could
practically live in it.

The box alone is bigger
than my bedroom.

Well, we have some boxes in the
garage if you need some more.

Oh, no, no.
That was, that was a joke.

Oh. Okay.

So, have you, um, have you heard
anything about the new teacher?

Kelsey didn't even
want to come today.

Yeah, Kelsey had a bit of a girl
crush on Mrs. Belt last year.

I think that's pretty
standard for third grade.

Is it?

She's not a lesbian!

Well, you know what?
We're all going to miss Mrs. Belt.

Oh, hello ladies.

I'm Daniel Harris,
the fourth grade teacher.

You're welcome to hang
around if you like,

while the kids are
introducing themselves.

You know, new classroom,
new teacher...

We all have a few
first-day jitters.

And I know how fond
everyone was of Mrs. Belt.

- Who?
- Who? - Who?

Maybe not.

Wow. I didn't know diversity
could be so gorgeous.

Is this your doing?

I wish I could take credit,
but, uh...

God did that.

Wow, I, I gotta
get back to church.

Before we ask our parents
to say their good-byes...

I'd like each of you to stand and
introduce yourselves and maybe tell us

anything exciting that happened
to you over the summer. Okay?

That's right, honey.
Get in there.

Yes.

Yes, young lady.

My name is Ashley
and this summer

I went to Sleep Away Horse
Camp in the Berkshires.

My favorite hotel is the
Four Seasons in Maui,

and I'm the best
speller in the class.

Can you spell "modest"?

Yes, the lovely young
lady in the back.

Stand up!

My name is Kelsey and this
summer I went to camp

and I played basketball, field hockey,
bowling, boxing and softball.

I also collected all the cards
of the major WNBA players.

And you are?

My name is Ritchie Campbell.

Anything exciting happen to you
over the summer, Mr. Campbell?

Yes. This summer my
parents got back together.

So, you and Richard? How did
that happen? Tell us everything.

No, there's nothing to tell.

Oh, come on.
I told you my daughter's a lesbian.

No, no, we're not back together.
Ritchie got confused.

I mean, yeah, Richard and I spent a
lot of time together over the summer,

but I thought he understood it
didn't mean anything and...

Oh, my God.

I'm going to have to break
it to him all over again

that his parents
are splitting up.

Oh, God.
I am the worst mother ever.

But, but, I-I didn't know
what I was doing.

See, I got blinded
by the laundry room.

It's got one of those
fabric-softener sheet dispensers

that you can just, just pull
them out like a Kleenex box.

I got stars in my eyes.

I gotta go talk to Richard.
We gotta fix this.

Well. What a mess.

I'm going to go tell Mr. Harris
I have an open marriage.

Ritchie thinks
we're back together.

- He does?
- Yeah.

He stood up in front
of the entire class

with his little face and his
giant teeth and he announced it.

Richard, do you realize
what this means?

We're gonna have to have
the talk with him again.

We're going to have to
sit him down and explain

why Mommy and Daddy can't
be together anymore.

How sometimes people
grow in different ways

and it doesn't mean they
don't love each other.

In fact, sometimes they can
love each other more that way.

And all the rest of the horse crap
we fed him the first time around.

Or we could just
get back together.

Yeah, right. Yeah. That would
certainly solve the problem.

What? What?

I don't know. Why not?

Why not? Why not? There are
a thousand reasons why not.

- Like what?
- Like what? Like what?

We had a nice summer,
didn't we?

It felt natural.

Besides, New Christine
left me two months ago.

I'm lonely.

And if I'm lonely,
you must be really lonely.

Well, think about it.
I gotta hit the hardware store.

I ordered you a dripless bleach
dispenser for the laundry room.

You did?

I thought you might like it.

I do.

There's more where
that came from.

So you and Richard
are back together?

No. We're not back together.

Ritchie just thinks
we're back together.

So, what does that mean for me?

Matthew, listen.

Richard has fallen back
in love with me, okay?

Desperately, desperately
in love with me.

Do I have to move?
Do I get two weeks notice? What?

This is all my fault,
of course.

I mean, what was I thinking,
you know?

Letting him hang
out here all summer.

Me, prancing around in
my cut-off sweatpants

and my toe ring.

I sure wish I knew this before I
painted the solar system on my ceiling.

Matthew, I have a problem.

You have a home-- with a detached
planetarium. What have I got?

Why would you have to move out?

Because you've got a new patriarch.
There's no room for me.

What? You were
never the patriarch.

I guess I'll just move back home,
be Mom's patriarch again.

You know what? I think you really
need to look that word up.

God, no.
We're not getting back together.

It never even entered my mind to
get back together with Richard.

Oh, Christine. Come on.
You've been playing house all summer.

What? No, we haven't.
He's been working for me.

You don't pay him!

Plus, if he's just here
to build a laundry room,

why does he have to
eat breakfast here?

Why does he have to watch
movies on the couch?

Why does he have to
use my bathroom?

Why does he come over on
Sundays and watch football

and make chili and
then use my bathroom?

That doesn't mean anything.

Come on, you made out
with him in his truck.

So what?

I've made out with dozens
of guys in their trucks.

You're not being
honest with yourself.

I think you basically
are back together.

Ritchie was just the first
one to say it out loud.

Oh, you're nuts, okay?

We've just been hanging out,
all right?

I make him a couple of lists,
he does a couple of errands.

He falls asleep on the couch.
I go to bed. There's no sex.

Oh, my God,
we're totally back together.

So if we do this,

and I'm not saying we're gonna,
because it's crazy...

how would it work?

I mean,
would we go on dates or...?

Do you want to go on dates?

I hate dates.

Then no dates.

Well, I mean,
so then what would we do?

I don't know.

Hang out, rent movies,

watch football, make chili.

So basically, what we do now?

Yeah. Plus sex.

We'd have sex?

We both still drink, don't we?

So drunk sex.

And there wouldn't be any
pressure because God knows

we've already disappointed each
other in every way imaginable.

Every way!

I know, that's what I said.

You know, it would be so
much easier to be together

because then we wouldn't
have to shuttle Ritchie

back and forth anymore,
you know?

No more scheduling
vacations and holidays.

No more singles scene.

Oh, God,
I could eat what I want.

I could wear
comfortable underwear.

I could stop all that shaving
and plucking and waxing.

You don't have to
stop that altogether.

We're so comfortable,
we really are, you know?

I mean, who else
am I gonna get that with?

But you know what? We have to make
a decision one way or the other

so we know what
to tell Ritchie.

I agree.

And we should probably decide today,
you know, the sooner the better.

I say we try it.

Okay, let's try it.

Really?

Yeah.

Great.

So, should we kick it off?

Sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe I should try
some boob action.

Maybe you should stop saying,
"boob action."

The truck is a great idea.

Yeah, I know you love trucks.

Hey, what's not to love?

That was better, huh?

You want to keep going?

Do you?

I could.

This is the same truck, right?

Same one.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, Mr. Harris,
I'm, I'm sorry.

I was looking for Ritchie.

I'm, I'm, um, Christine Campbell.
I'm Ritchie's mother.

Of course.

The kids are a few minutes late
getting back from computer class,

but they should be here soon.

Please sit down, Mrs. Campbell.

Oh, you can call me Christine.

All right, Christine.

That was weird.

I think Ritchie had
a nice first day.

Oh, good.

Yeah, but you might want to talk
to him about the difference

between public information
and private information.

Oh, God. What did he say?

Oh, no, no, no.
Nothing the other kids understood,

but just think about putting
a lock on your nightstand.

That, uh, that was
a gag gift from when I...

from when I got divorced, and,
you know, I barely use it.

I mean, I don't...

I-I don't use it.

You know,
except occasionally...

on my, my neck.

Uh, no, he brought
your bank statement in.

Oh, good.

So I guess congratulations
are in order for you?

What?

Oh, no, no, I'm not pregnant.

I just had a lot of
pancakes for breakfast.

No, no, no, I meant the
reconciliation with your husband.

Oh, oh, that.
Right. Yeah, well,

Ritchie kind of got that wrong,
Mr. Harris.

Daniel.

- No, I'm Christine.
- I know. I'm Daniel.

Oh, right, yeah.
I'm not good with names, so...

So you're not getting back
together with your husband?

Well, we, we weren't,
but now I guess we are.

It was an unusual summer.

And there was some
confusion last year,

and well there is some
kissing, actually.

Oh, kissing.
Kissing often leads to confusion.

Kissing.

Yeah, after my divorce, my ex-wife and
I had a few confused encounters, too.

Your ex-wife?

Yeah, I don't know why
I just told you that.

Oh, no, no, I loved it.

I mean, you know,
that's fine, fine.

Um, I think that I'm going to,
um, wait for Ritchie outside.

But I will, I'll see you around,
okay, Mr. Daniel?

Uh... Harris.

I'm back.

What is this?

I don't know.

I think it's a commercial, but it's
been on for, like, a half an hour.

Richard, I want passion.

Okay, I'll switch
it to Showtime.

Something is missing.

I mean, I don't know.
Even in the truck, it didn't feel...

I didn't feel the way
Mr. Harris made me feel,

and I think I want
to feel that way.

I think we both want
to feel that way.

Who's Mr. Harris?

He's Ritchie's new
fourth grade teacher.

And of course I don't
mean him actually

because that would
be inappropriate.

It would, right?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Yeah, of course, so, not him.
Forget Mr. Harris, okay?

Let's all try and
forget Mr. Harris.

But Richard, I-I want somebody
who makes me fall off of desks

and walk into doors.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I don't think we can do this.

What? You haven't
even given it a shot.

I was really getting
used to the idea.

I was thinking we could
go away this weekend.

I planned this whole thing.

Oh, really? Where were you
going to take me?

Well, I didn't get that
far because I didn't know

if you already had plans,
but I got the truck washed.

Come on, Richard. I mean,
the only reason you want this

is because you don't have new Christine
and you're lonely and I'm here.

So?

"So"?! That's not enough.

What if it's enough for me?

You're not even
giving it a chance.

We gave it a chance.
We gave it ten years of a chance.

You said you'd try it.

Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

Where does that leave me?

I feel like you're
jerking me around.

Well, I am sorry if you have to
be alone for a minute and a half.

You are a grown man.
Deal with it!

Oh, God, you are so...!

What? What?!

Richard, what are you doing?!

I thought that's why
we were doing this.

You're an idiot!

You said you wanted passion.

Richard, we both
deserve passion, okay?

Let me ask you something.

If you could have New Christine
back right now at this minute,

would you want her?

Hell, yes, I'd want her.

Well, that hurts my feelings.

Christine, what do
you want from me?

I'm sorry,
but I want more than this.

I guess I want more
than this, too.

Well, that hurts my feelings.

So what do we do about Ritchie?

Well, hopefully our good relationship
as friends is better for Ritchie

than our bad relationship
as husband and wife.

Can we still make
chili on Sundays?

Yeah, of course.

Except stay out of
Matthew's bathroom.

Can we still have sex?

Yeah, just not with each other.

That hurts my feelings.

Okay, sweetie, I just want
to make sure you're okay.

Okay?

Do you have any questions?

Can a man ever marry a cow?

Sweetheart, you're going to have
to get off of that, all right?

Anything else?

Is Daddy still going
to rent movies with us

and watch football
and make chili?

Yeah, yeah.
He loves us and we love him.

So of course we're going
to do all those things.

As soon as he finishes
the laundry room.

- Then I'm okay.
- Oh, good.

Okay. I'm going to go
check on my spin cycle.

Well, no one seems to be asking,
but I'm okay, too.