The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 13 - A Fair to Remember - full transcript

Oh!
Hi, Ritchie.

Mom, look!

Mrs. Belt had us draw
family portraits today.

Wow, that is
so great!

Look, there's you,
and Daddy, and
Uncle Matthew.

And, oh, look at me!

I'm so colorful and happy.

I look like an angel.

That's not you.

That's Daddy's girlfriend,
new Christine.

You're over there.



Oh. Oh, I...

I thought that was a bear.

You don't supervise
the artwork at all,
Mrs. Belt?

Oh, I don't think you look
like a bear, Mrs. Campbell.

But I thought the salmon in
your teeth was a nice detail.

( laughing )

You're funny,
Mrs. Belt!

Did you hear that, Mom?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

That's hilarious.

Honey, would you go and
get your things together?

Okay, Mom.
Okay.

Uh, Mrs. Belt?

I know I always get
a late start on these things,



but I wanted
to sign up early

for the spring carnival.

It's in two days.

Well, this is early for me.

Well, you need to talk
to the room parents.

They have
the sign-up sheets.

Oh.

I'd rather catch a salmon
in my teeth.

Hello, ladies.

What's going on?
What's all the gossip?

Oh, it's not gossip,
Christine,

it's real news.

Should I tell her?

No, there's
nothing to tell.

I'll tell her.

There's a new parent
at the school,

and he is, in a word,
gorgeous.

Stunning.
Dazzling smile.

Arms just made
for holding.
Uh!

I wish someone
would hold me.

What? You have
problems, too!

Ooh, and
he's single.

Gosh, he sounds amazing.

Do I have time to go home
and put on my good boobs?

Oh, Christine...

It's best not to get
your hopes up.

I mean, this man
is smart,

he's cultured,
funny, successful.

Yeah, he's
not your type.

Hey, I'm all those
things, too, you know.

Are you?

No.

Oh!There he is.

Oh, my God...

Burton?

MARLY:
Wait, you
know him?

How does
she know him?

What is this?

Hey!
Hey!

Oh...
How you doing?

You look great.

Oh, so do you.

What're you doing here?

It's my son Stevie's first day.

Yeah, my ex enrolled him
a couple weeks ago.

You are kidding me.

Hello.

Remember us?

We met in
the parking lot.

You said that thing,
and then we all laughed?

( laughing )

Remember?

So, how do you two
know each other?

How do we, um...

Well...

Well, uh...

Christine and I
went out for a while.

I fell in love with her,

then she dumped me
and broke my heart.

Oh!
Come on!

( laughing )

I'm serious.

No, you're not!
Come on!

He's so funny!

No, he's serious.

Oh.

Okay, um....

Well, um, we are coordinating
the spring carnival,

so if there was anything
that you wanted to sign up for.

Why don't you just put me down
for the decoration committee,

I'm very good with crepe.

I'll do that, too--

I had a crepe
for breakfast.

( both laughing )

( laughing awkwardly )

Why are you laughing?

I feel bad
about myself.

Well, uh, nice
to meet you, Burton.

Let's get
out of here.

So...
Wait, wait.

I'm sorry, but it is so rare
that I win with those two women.

I just need to take
a moment to savor.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Well, I've been thinking
about you a lot

the last couple of months.

Oh, should I bring them
back in for this?

( laughing ):
No...

I really wish
I could talk longer,

but I gotta take Stevie
to the dentist.

Oh, anything serious?

No, no-- Dr. Hagopian is
buying a second home,

and we're trying
to help him out

with the down payment,
so...

( laughing )

But I guess I'll be seeing you
on the decorating committee.

Yeah, tomorrow.

Great.

Yeah.

Man... you look good.

I was...

( both chuckle nervously )

Bye.

Okay.

I'm ready, Mom.

Wait a minute, honey.

Mommy just needs to take
a moment to savor.

( sighs )

Okay, we can go.

What's the smile all about?

Did you get the last punch
on your Quiznos card?

I ran into Burton
at school today.

His son just started there.

Is that weird or what?

Wow.

So did you two get it on?

Yeah. We got it on in my son's
third-grade classroom.

What?

I don't know.

You've done it in
worse places than that.

Radio Shack.

Oh.

Hey, that was college,
and it was was after hours.

Plus, that guy was very helpful.

So, what'd you guys
talk about?

Not much,
he had to run.

But he said he'd been
thinking about me

and he wanted to talk to me.

So, you like him again?

Oh, I've always liked him.

I just broke up with him
because I was scared.

But I've been having second
thoughts about it for a while.

I mean, maybe I gave up
before I gave it a real shot.

So, when are you going
to see him again?

Tomorrow!

We're both setting up
at the spring carnival.

Maybe the opportunity
will present itself.

Ooh-- maybe
I'll get a new outfit

to make sure the opportunity
presents itself.

Or maybe for once in your life,

you could calm down and
act like an adult.

Yeah!

Ooh-- maybe I'll
get boots, too!

Hi, Mrs. Belt.

Hi, Richard.

How you doing, Christine?

What?

Your outfit.

What kind of booth are you
setting up, exactly?

What?

I wear this dress all the time.

It's old.

You left the tag
under your arm.

Wow, Christine,
that is some outfit.

Wait a minute.

Is that lipstick?

( sniffing )

Huh-- you don't smell
like the gym.

It's nothing.

Geez, it's not
that unusual, okay?

So I'm a little dressed up.

I get dressed up all the time.

Do you?

No.

You are trying to impress
that new dad, aren't you?

Burton.

What? Get out of here!

I don't need
to impress Burton.

I already impressed him.

In fact, once I impressed him
three times in one night.

Hi, Mrs. Belt.

So, you know,

if I want to turn on
my charms a little,

that's my prerogative.

And I can.

I know him.

Well.

Hello.
Oh!

Hey, Burton.

Who is this?

This is my girlfriend.

Your girlfriend?

Hi, I'm Christine.

Are you freaking kidding me?

Hey, Burton,
nice to see you again.

I'm Richard.
Christine.

I'm Christine.

Hi, Christine.

And you are...

( softly ):
Christine.

Hi, Christine.

Hi.

Are-are you okay?

Oh. Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm-I'm... so happy
to meet your new girlfriend.

'Cause I-I...

I got a new outfit
and everything.

So, that's good.

Um...
But, I-I...

I have to go.

So...

Damn it!

Stand back.

I've got it.
Here,
let me just...

I've got it!

Richard, help her.

Now.

Okay.

Here we go.

In a minute, this is
all going to be over.

In the meantime,
laugh like you have

a sense of humor
about yourself.

( laughing loudly )

Not a mental patient,
just a sense of humor.

You okay?

I can't believe this.

Why do these things
keep happening to me?

I'm a good mother.

I'm a decent person.

You don't have any wine
in here, do you?

I have half a bag
of red hot Cheetos.

Oh, yeah, anything.

I'm never
liking anyone again.

I mean it.

It's not worth it.

These things
don't work out for me.

I'm done, seriously.

The factory is closed.

Aw, don't close
the factory.

It's a good factory.

Hundreds of hardworking
members rely on that factory.

The woman's name
is Christine.

And she's pretty.

So now we've got New Christine,
Pretty Christine, and me...

Old Christine.

Old Christine.

I don't like it
when you say it.
Sorry.

Look, it's Burton's
loss, not yours.

Oh, yeah, right.
It is.

That guy doesn't know
what he's missing.

Christine, you're the
most incredible woman
he's ever gonna meet.

And if he doesn't know that,
then he doesn't deserve you.

Boy, when you're great,
you're the greatest.

You know that?

What?

Those red hot Cheetos
are mighty powerful.

( both laughing )

Holy cow!

( honks horn )

Oh, my God.

Matthew!
Ah!

Oh.
Oh, boy.

Oh, God, what
am I doing?

Apparently, my sister.

I got to get
out of here.

Oh!

Matthew, get that!

Am I going to be
an uncle again?

Uh, here,
I got most of it,

but I couldn't bring myself
to pick up anything

with strings or wings.

Are you okay?

( gruffly ):
No.

What happened?
I don't know.

I was so confused and depressed,
and then, the next thing I know,

my hand was one place and his
tongue was someplace else.

Actually, no, you don't owe me
an explanation.

But I want to explain,
but I can't.

I don't want Richard back,
I don't.

But I thought
I wanted Burton back,

but then he didn't want me back,

and then I thought,
"Does anyone want me back?"

And then Richard started rubbing
my back, and then, oh...

Thank God Ritchie wasn't
with you.

He would have been so confused.

I have to say, I'm not doing
that great with it myself.

Matthew, this was
a terrible mistake.

It's just that it was familiar,
you know?

And I was looking
for a little comfort, is all.

Some people eat soup.

I just, I want you to strike
this from your memory, okay?

Promise me you'll strike it.

I promise-- I'll put it
in the memory pile

along with junior high school

and seeing Grandma
get out of the bath.

It was so embarrassing
to find out

about Burton's new girlfriend

in front of those horrible,
clucky women at school.

I really don't even know
if I can show my face

at the fair tomorrow.

Hey, everyone
makes mistakes.

And forget those women--
who cares what they think?

You just go
to that fair tomorrow

with your head
held high.

You have nothing
to be ashamed of.

I found your bra under my seat.

Man, that thing has a quicker
release than John Elway.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

There's nothing
to talk about, Richard.

And how could you
do that?!

Me? You started it.

I was vulnerable.

I was having a hard day.

You took advantage!

You stuck your hand
down my pants.

It was a reflex, okay,
like blinking.

Just forget about it,
please, okay?

You kissed me.

Let it go.

Of course,
we'll let it go.

It was a
strange moment.

You kissed me;
It doesn't mean anything.

Right. Nothing.

You kissed me.

It's over.

No big deal.
You kissed me.

That's all that
needs to be said.

You kissed me.
You kissed me.

You kissed me!
You kissed me!

You kissed me!
You kissed me!

Damn it, if I wouldn't
kiss you again right now.

Me, too--
what's happening to us?

I don't know!

I mean, I know
why you'd kiss me.

You're lonely
and a little desperate.

But...

what am I doing?

I have someone!

I have to tell New Christine.

What? Wait!

Wait, are you
out of your mind?!

You know me.

I can't keep secrets.

The guilt will
eat me alive.

No, Richard, this would be
a huge mistake.

Listen to me.

There is no reason to share this
with New Christine.

Maybe you're right.

I am.

Okay.

Okay.

Damn you!
Damn you!

Where's my underwear?

Hello, ladies.

Hello, Christine.
Enjoying the fair?

What? What affair?
What did you hear?

The fair.

Oh, the fair.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm
enjoying it. Yeah.

I signed up to work
this booth for an hour.

So you feeling okay
about everything

that happened
yesterday?

Yesterday? Why?

What did you hear?

With Burton.

Oh, with Burton.

Oh, yeah, oh, look, I'm fine,

The truth is,
that worked out great for me,

because I don't really have time
for a relationship right now.

Oh, perfect, that's
what we'll tell people.
Mm-hmm.

No, that's the truth.

Okay, then we'll
tell them that.

I love fairs.

I hope they have
funnel cake

or that game with the water
pistol and the balloons.

The noise scares me
but I like holding the gun.

What's your favorite game?

I made out
with Christine.

I don't think
I know that one.

No, I made out
with Christine.

What?

It was a mistake.

I was trying to make
her feel better

after she found out
Burton had a girlfriend.

She was eating Cheetos.

I was rubbing her back.

One thing led to
another, and we kissed.

I don't believe this.

It didn't mean
anything, I swear.

Besides, it confirmed
what I already knew,

which is
I'm over her.

And it confirmed
something else, too,

which is
I love you.

So making out
with your ex-wife

made you realize
that you love me?

Yeah, isn't that great?

( sighs )
I feel better.

You want to go inside?

You know Richard,
as long as I've been around,

I've watched and I've waited for
something like this to happen.

And I knew it would,

because a little voice inside
told me it would.

But I ignored the little voice,

and when the little voice
got louder,

I told that little voice
to shut the hell up.

Christine, I'm sorry.

No, you don't get to be sorry.

It's over now.

Well, you're right about that.
What?

I can't be with someone
who only decides

they want to be with me
when they're with someone else.

I'm great.

I deserve better
than that.

I'm breaking up with you.

Christine...

I promised Ritchie
I'd be here,

so I'm going to go say hello
to him, and then I'm gone.

It's the...

I'm leaving.

Hi.

Oh, hello.

How are you?

Great.

You know, my carnival work
keeps me busy.

I felt bad
about what happened yesterday.

A lot of things
happened yesterday.

Which one?

When you met my girlfriend.

Oh, yeah, your girlfriend.

I'm sorry.

I meet so many people.

Christine, I'm sorry.

I know you were probably
kind of surprised

to see that I
was seeing someone

so soon after
we broke up,

but I really didn't
think it would bother you,

especially since you're the
one who broke up with me.

No, it didn't bother me.

I mean...

I've seen people, too, lots.

I'm the town factory
for God's sake.

You can't close me down.

Christine, I still care
about you.

Oh.

Well, what about
your new girlfriend?

You know...

...Pretty Christine?

Well, all I can think about
is you,

and that doesn't seem very fair
to Pretty Christine.

I don't like it
when you say it.
Right.

Christine, I broke up with her.

What? You broke up with her?

Why?

Well, it seemed
like yesterday

you might have
been hinting

that you'd like
to try us again.

Hinting? How was I hinting?

Well, maybe not so much hinting
as throwing yourself at me,

you know, with the, uh, the
lipstick and the stripper boots.

Stripper boots?
They weren't stripper boots.

For your information,
those were hooker boots.

Oh, sorry.
( laughs )

( clears throat )

You're all I can think
about since I saw you.

Oh. You're all I can think
about since I saw you.

I've missed you.

Me, too.

What did you miss about me?

Do you want a list?

Yes, please.
( laughs )

Um... well,
for starters...

Christine?

Not now.

Christine broke up with me.

I'm kind of in the middle
of something here.

I told her
we made out yesterday.

You made out with
your ex-husband?

Was this before or after you
couldn't stop thinking about me?

During.

Yeah, I made out with Richard
in the parking lot,

but I was thinking of you
the whole time.

Thanks.

No. I-I often think of two men
at the same time,

sometimes more!

Hi, Mrs. Belt.

* Hm-m-m, d-d-do yeah *

* Hmm-m-m-m. *

So...
Yeah.

Take it easy.
Yeah.