The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 12 - Some of My Best Friends Are Portuguese - full transcript

Okay, honey, finish up.

We've got
to get to school.

Mom?
Yeah?

Does this map
look like Portugal?

I have no idea.

But nobody knows
what Portugal looks like.

I mean, even the Portuguese
think they live in Spain.

Sorry I'm late.

This is all I could find.

It's port wine from Portugal.

Wine?



You were supposed to get
decorations for the class.

Sorry. I tried to go
this morning, but there was

this huge line
at Portuguese Party City.

Really?

No. There's no
Portuguese Party City.

There's no
Portuguese anything.

How'd we end up
with Portugal anyway?

I was working
during the sign-up,

and by the time I got there,

the only country left
was Portugal.

There's a Portuguese family
in the class,

and even they picked Jamaica.

Ritchie, come on.
We're late. We're late.

I don't want to be late
for this. Get ready.



What should I wear?

We're supposed to dress
like our country.

Well, wear anything.

Just stand next to the kid

who's dressed as Spain,
everyone will buy it.

Okay.

You think they eat
Raisin Bran in Portugal?

Yes, but in Portugal,
they call it

( Portuguese accent ):
Raisin Bran.

( groans )

I don't want to do this.

Well, why'd you
sign up for it?

Richard, you don't
know this school.

They've got, like, a
million events a week,

and you've got to volunteer,

and if you don't, they
completely ostracize you.

I'm telling you, those moms are
scary, snobby and judgmental.

And you're
not judgmental?

Hey, it's not called judgmental
when you're right.

It's called... "right."

I know Ritchie likes it there
and everything,

but, God, I wish
I fit in better, you know?

Is this Portuguese?

Hold this.

Yeah, it's close enough.
Let's go.

Give me a hug, quick.

Big hug.

Adios or whatever.

Your map of Portugal.

Map of Portugal.

There you go.

Play nice.

You, too, Ritchie.

Ah... Portugal.

Jewel of Iberia...

largest producer of cork
in the world.

And that's all I know
about Portugal.

And yet, you still might be
the world's foremost authority.

All right,
I'm going to get going.

I'll see you later.

All right. Whatever.

Something the matter?
No.

It's just, the minute
the two of us are alone,

you can't wait
to get out of here.

That's not true.

The other day, we had that
long conversation about stamps,

about how the price always
goes up, but never goes down.

Did you want to revisit that?

You know what I'm talking about.

You and Christine got divorced,

and it's kind of like
we did, too.

But whatever.

I guess I'm the jerk
for even caring.

Are you serious?

Forget I said anything.

I guess I'm the ass
for bringing it up.

Okay, okay.

You know what, I'm sorry.

You're right.

I guess things have changed.

Look, I've got errands,
and then later,

I'm taking Ritchie
to the batting cages.

You're welcome
to come along if you want.

Really? We could spend
the day together?

Yeah. It'll be fun.

We'll grab some burgers,
go to the batting cages.

Anything you want.

That would be great, Dad.

Did you just...?
No.

Good.

Good morning, ladies.

Or should I say bonjour and...

( with Cockney accent )
hello.

Oh, good,
Portugal's here.

We saved that wall
for you, Christine.

Oh. Great, I get the whole wall.

Okay.

Just set up.

( clears throat )

( clears throat )

Exports.

Imports.

Portugal.

Yeah, you know, Christine,
you don't have to stay.

I'm sure you have a shift
to run off to or something.

Oh, no, no,
I don't work shifts, Marly.

I assign shifts to people,

'cause I'm the boss.

I have a corporate credit card.

I've got 35 points accumulated.

2,000 more,
I get a flashlight radio.

( laughing )

So you want to open up
the bottle of port?

It's 8:30 in the morning.

Oh.

You don't have
any vodka, do you?

Yeah, where's Russia?

( laughing )

Oh, you know what
would be a big help?

If you could set out the plates
for the international feast.

Oh, sure.

So I have this new guy
cooking for us.

He can do anything:
Zone, South Beach, Atkins.

He's fantastic, and he's cheap.

How much?
Oh, I don't know.

( laughing )

Oh, shoot, I didn't bring
enough double-stick tape.

Christine, could you
run to the storage room

and grab some more?

Me?

Yeah. I'd go myself,
but I have nice shoes on.

Oh, nice shoes.

Yeah, I wouldn't know
about that.

I get all my shoes
at the car wash.

She works
at a car wash?

Yeah.
Mm.

( sighs )
God.

My shoes are nice.

I spent $40 on these shoes.

God, I hate those women.

Which women?

All women.

I mean, it's enough with them
already, right?

You wouldn't happen to be
talking about those meanie moms?

I'm sorry,
I can't afford a personal chef.

I don't have time to take
a three-hour yoga class.

I work.

Women are allowed to work.

Doesn't make them
bad people or bad mothers.

Exactly.

I work.

Oh, my God.

You're the first woman I've
met at this school with a job.

No, no, there was another one
in the fourth grade, yeah.

But they got to her.

They reprogrammed her
at Nordstrom's.

( laughing )

I love you.
Oh.

I... love you, too.

Where are we going with this?

No, I'm sorry.

I just get excited.

I'm Christine.

Belinda.
Oh.

So nice.

Nice to meet you.

Well, I better go.

Otherwise,
I'll get in trouble.

They sent me
to fetch sticky tape.

Why don't you come have a cup
of coffee with me instead?

Really?

Yeah. Blow them off.

Yeah. Yeah!

Why am I running
errands for them?

They treat me like crap.

They even stuck me with
the suckiest country.

Portugal.

I'm Portuguese.

Well, here's the thing:

hate the country,
love the people.

( laughing )

Do you still want
to have coffee?

Absolutely.
Oh, great.

Okay, I really will stop
gushing in a minute.

But when we walked out
into that parking lot,

and I saw that you drive
a Prius, too,

I almost wept.

I'm not alone anymore.

Oh!

I didn't ask you, though,

are you married or...?

Divorced.

( gasps ):
Are you kidding me?

That's fantastic!

My marriage was
a miserable failure, too.

No, actually, we're still
really good friends.

I'm still really good friends
with my ex-husband!

You're kidding!

No, I am not.

We are the exact same person.

I know.

So let me ask
you something.

Do you ever let
your armpit hair grow out,

just to see
how long it'll get?

Eww. No.

Do you?

No.

That's gross.

Gross!
Totally.

Listen, I really do have to say
that I never, ever thought

I would fit in anywhere
in that school.

And I'm just so happy
to have met you.

Christine?

What are you doing here?

I'm having coffee
with my new friend, Marly.

What in the hell
are you doing here?

This is my house,

and your friend
is my housekeeper.

You did great
out there today, man.

Your swing
is really coming along.

I didn't hit the ball once.

No, but the ball
didn't hit you, either,

so we're doing better
than last time.

Let's go, let's get washed
up for dinner, slugger.

Thanks, Dad.

It's all right;
you did great.

Thanks, Uncle Matthew.

I'm serious, chin up.

You did great,
really great.

I'm proud of you, pal.

God, why can't he be
better at baseball?

Or at least stop using the bat
as a dance partner.

RICHARD:
Bad day?

I made a new friend.

I finally met someone
at this school

that I connect with,
and she's Marly's maid.

A maid?

Oh, dear.

And she has the
audacity to hobnob

with a wealthy
industrialist like you?

Don't tell the Vanderploots.

They'll kick us out of the club.

Richard, you know what I mean.

It was just...
it was a surprise.

I mean, we had
so much stuff in common.

Yeah, you vacuumed once,
didn't you?

It was a long time ago.

She borrowed the
Flintstones' vacuum.

It was an elephant
on a stick.

Yeah, you know what?

You guys should talk.

I've been in both
of your bathrooms.

It's like a poodle
lives under your toilet.

Okay, look, sorry.

We're just trying to understand
what the issue is.

There is no issue.

And you know damn well
what the issue is.

I am not a snob.

I don't care about anything,

except what's
in a person's heart.

To me, she's just a person,

a very nice Portuguese person.

That is a weird coincidence.

I know.

I mean, you don't hear
about Portugal

for, like, what, 30 years,

and then suddenly,
you can't get away from it.

Wait, you don't want to be

friends with her
because she's a maid?

No. I have to be
friends with her.

You're going to be friends
with her because she's a maid?

No. I want to be
friends with her.

I like her.

Okay, so good.

You could use a friend.

Especially one who cleans.

Maybe you could make a
second friend who cooks.

I haven't had a homemade meal
in, like, a year and a half.

I'm gonna
change for dinner.

Wait a minute.
Why are you here?

I took Ritchie and Matthew
to the batting cages.

He's been feeling a little
neglected since the divorce.

Ritchie?
No. Surprisingly, Matthew.

He almost hit
the ball, though.

Matthew?

No. Surprisingly,
Ritchie.

Well, I just have to
finish this ironing,

and then we
can take off.

Okay, well, take your time.

This is nice.

I love a basement bedroom.

This is where you want to be
during a tornado.

Belinda, I-I... Oh!

I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were entertaining.

Hello, Christine.

Hello.

Uh, the book club is here,

so if you could set the food out
before you leave,

that would be great, and, uh,
you girls can help yourselves

to a couple of sandwiches.

Just a couple.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry. She has
this book club.

It's a couple of
ladies from the school.

My school?

Yeah.

They sit around
and pretend they read,

but mostly it's just gossip.

Hey, if you help me
real, we can get out
of here really quick.

Help you?

Yeah, we just need to
set out some sandwiches.

Oh, uh, boy,

I don't know how much
of a help I would be.

You know, I-I once worked
for two weeks at McDonald's,

and I accidentally gave away
the secret

to the secret sauce.

It's-It's ketchup and
mayonnaise, by the way.

Christine, are you embarrassed
by what I do?

No, I'm not embarrassed at all,

but why didn't you tell me
you were Marly's housekeeper?

I'm sorry. Should I have said,

"Before you get too attached
to me, you should know,

I'm a housekeeper?"

Well, you came right out
with the Portuguese thing.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

No, I-I don't care what you do.

I am not like one of them.

Great. Then help me,
so we can get out of here.

Okay. I'll-I'll help you.

I'm excited.
Okay.

Just grab a couple of
bottles of Chardonnay
and start pouring.

I'll get the sandwiches.

These bottles?
Yeah.

Christine, hi.

Hi.

Um, I thought we
didn't invite...

We didn't.

She's here with Belinda.

But I thought
you fired...

I didn't.

Hi. I'm just helping out.

I'm a parent
at Westbridge.

Actually, our kids are
in the same class.

Oh, The Kite Runner.

Oh, what a great book.

The writing is super lyrical.

Oh, not that Chardonnay.

Uh, could you see
if there's any more Stag's Leap?

Uh, I'll have
a Merlot.

Oh, I'll have
Merlot, too.

Would you see if there's any
bubble water in the Fridge?

Yes.

"For you, a thousand
times, yes."

Thank you.

No, that's
a line, um,

uh, from the book.

It's a... It's the
famous line from...

I'll be right back
with your order.

Belinda, I hope you
don't mind, but I'm
going to head home.

We can just hang
out another time.

Oh, no, don't. Christine,
I know this is weird for you,

but if you just...
if you just help me out,

we'll get out of here
very quickly.

I don't think I can...
Christine, please.

Marly's is just... she's looking
for an excuse to fire me,

and I really need this job,
so, please, please help me out.

Ugh! Okay.

I'll help you out.

Thank you.

Uh-oh. Who let
the hens out?

( women laughing )

Charles, honey,
what are you doing here?

I have my book club meeting,
remember?

Oh, don't worry,
I'll clear out.

Let you ladies do your reading
and drinking.

( laughter )

Thank you, darling.

So, what did everybody think
about the book?

Lindsay?

Oh, yeah.

It was amazing.

You didn't read it, did you?

I had a rough week.

Jackson was sick, and
Kelsey came home crying.

There's another
Kelsey in her class,

and now, they call my
daughter "Big Kelsey."

Lindsay, no kid talk.

We get enough of that
when the nannies take a break.

Let's talk about the book.

Well, I loved it.

You know what
else I love?

Hummus.
Hmm.

Couldn't stop
thinking about it

when they described the
Middle Easterny part.

Oh, hummus.

Fun idea. Belinda!

Christine,
where is Belinda?

Uh, I guess she stepped away.

Ugh! I'm going to have
to let that girl go.

( groaning )
Oh, but I'm sure

she's coming right back.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

We need hummus.

And sangria.

Ooh, that
sounds good.
Yeah.

Oh, that does sound good.

Roasted red peppers.

Oh, me make it.

Right.

Belinda, are you in there?

I need you.

Christine,
for God's sake,

I asked for that
sangria a week ago.

Where's Belinda?

Oh, she's not feeling well.

She's lying down.

Probably. By now.

Oh, God, that girl.

Is this whole
house falling apart?

( quietly ):
Oh.

Oh!

Christine, what are
you...? Get off of me!

( sighs )

Just forget the sangria.
Bring some wine.

Uh, Marly, you know,

I don't work for you.

And I quit.

What?

You know, I have been

such a good sport
up until now, but, I mean,

I'm getting really tired

of you and your friends
looking down on me.

Well, why would we
look down on you?

Just because ever since
you came to this school

the only person

you've had something in
common with is my maid?

You know, uh, I could
say something right now

that would really hurt, too.

But I'm not going to do that.

Because I'm a much
nicer person than that.

You're too tan.

You know what would be great,
Christine?

If you could stop judging me
for, like, a minute

and give me a break.

Me judging you?

Yeah, well, you...
you've got it easy, okay?

You don't care
what people think about you.

You don't try to impress people
with your car, or your marriage.

Your clothes.

I mean, you cut
your own hair.

I don't cut my own hair.

This cost 60 bucks.

Okay, you don't spend a lot
of money on your hair.

The point is,

you seem very comfortable
with yourself,

and that, you know,
makes me uncomfortable.

Well, just because
I'm comfortable with myself

doesn't mean
I don't want to fit in.

What, you want
to fit in with us?

Yeah.

I mean, you guys could try
and be a little nicer

to me at school.

Okay, well, we could try.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Good.
Good.

This is good.
This is good.

For you.

A tip. No, Marly, that's not...

Ooh, 100 bucks.

Whoa, thank you.

Somebody's getting a haircut.

And a new pair of shoes.

I'm not looking,
I'm not looking.

Just want to get my purse.

I don't want
to see anything,

or, God forbid,
touch anything.

It's okay, he's gone.

Yeah. Well, I am leaving.

I want to thank you

for a particularly
humiliating afternoon.

Are you mad at me?

Mad at you?

Oh, no, that was great.

I don't know
which part was my favorite.

Serving drinks
to the meanie moms

or watching Marly's husband
massage your gums

with his tongue.

I know, I'm sorry.

I should have
locked the door.

Yeah.

It's pretty much the only thing
that was wrong with it.

You know, I'm not Marly's
biggest fan,

but she really
doesn't deserve this.

Yeah, I know it's wrong,
it's wrong.

But I hope that you
and I can still be friends.

Yeah...

I don't think so.

Why?

Because I'm Portuguese?

Because I'm a maid?

Uh, no.

It's because, well,

you're kind of a whore.

So, what's up
for tomorrow?

Well, we should
definitely get together.

I could swing by after work,
maybe we'll catch a movie.

Great.

I don't want to.

Oh, thank God.

You know, when you
and Christine were married,

we spent a combined total

of about three and a half hours
alone together.

And that was
over 15 years.

That seemed
about the right amount.

So I'll see you around.

Maybe we can do something,
just the two of us, next spring.

Well, that'd
be great, Dad.

What?

Bye.

Bye.