The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 11 - Exile on Lame Street - full transcript

Okay, what's the temperature
in... Acapulco?

I don't want to play
"guess the temperature."

Come on, it's
a good game. Acapulco.

Seventy-two.

No. Think.

Three hundred.

Wrong. You now
owe me $10 million.

( doorbell ringing )

Okay, new game.

I give you the name
of the deceased.

You tell me what they
want in lieu of flowers.



Edna Rosenblatt.

Tree in Israel.

Okay, we're tied.

No... It's New Christine.

I don't want to talk to her.

Well, you can't just
leave her out there.

Well, what could she
possibly want?

She already got
my ex-husband.

Maybe she wants
to give him back.

Uh-uh. I've got a strict
no-return policy.

All right, you know what?

Tell her I'm not here.

I think she can see you.

And hear you.



Oh, crap.

Matthew...

Do something.

Oh, hey, it's you.

Oh, yeah, I thought you
were someone else.

Who?

Uh... Edna Rosenblatt.

From Acapulco.

And I did not want
to see her.

I owe her a tree.

So, uh, what's up?

Oh, I wanted to run
something by you.

Oh.
The Rolling Stones

are playing tomorrow
at the L.A. Auditorium,

and Richard and I thought
it would be really fun

to take Ritchie to
his first concert.

We listen to
music in the car

all the time and
Ritchie's really into it.

But I wanted to check and
see how you felt about it.

The Rolling Stones?

Yeah. Most of them
are still alive.

So is that okay?

No.

No?

No.

Oh. May I ask why?

Yeah.
Yeah?

Yeah. I, um...

I just don't think

that's a great place
for kids, you know.

It's crowded and there's
pot smoke and drunk people.

You know, if I wanted
Ritchie exposed to that

I'd send him to his
grandparents' for the summer.

Are you sure you
won't change your mind?

I think so.

You think you're
sure you won't?

You know, I don't know
what you're asking,

but whatever you're asking,
the answer is no.

Oh.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

What did she want?

Oh, she wanted to take Ritchie
to a Rolling Stones concert.

I said no.

What do you mean, "no"?

Richard,
what are you doing here?

I was out in the car.

Oh, so you sent New Christine
in here to do your dirty work?

No, Christine
wanted to be nice.

She didn't feel comfortable
going to the concert

without running it
by you first.

It wasn't an
actual question.

It was a courtesy.

We don't need
your permission.

Um, I think you do.

Um... No, I don't.

Um... I'm his mother.

Um... I'm his father.

Um... no, you're not.

What?

Ah, sorry.

Richard, come on.

A concert is not
an appropriate place

for a little nine-
year-old boy.

We have third-row
orchestra seats.

It might be
his only chance to see

the greatest band
in rock and roll.

I saw them when I was his age,
as my father did before me.

Your father also goes to the
supermarket without a shirt on.

Christine,

in the two years
we've been divorced,

I've never gone
against your wishes

but this is really
important to me

and I'm doing it.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
to have to say this, but...

I forbid it.

Excuse me?

Yeah, you heard me.
I forbid it.

I forbid you
from taking him to the concert.

Oh, I didn't realize
you forbid it.

I guess, in that case, I'll
take Ritchie to the concert.

What?

No, no, no. I just forbid it.

We're not married.

You've lost your
power to forbid.

That was my greatest power.

We're not gonna talk
about this anymore.

Yes, we are.

No, we're not.

Yeah. Richard,

I... I forbid you

from leaving.

Richard, I forbid you
from getting in the car.

I forbid you
from making that gesture.

( car starting )

I'm powerless.

Yeah, I mean, right.
So that's it?

There's nothing
I can do?

All right, well,
thanks for your help.

Any luck?
No.

Our divorce mediator says
there's nothing I can do.

It's Richard's night.

I told him what I was worried
about, but apparently

a mother's intuition
is not legally binding.

It's sexist.

How is that sexist?

'Cause we're both white,
so it can't be racist.

God, this is so unfair.

When we were married,
I had power.

I could forbid.

I could withhold sex.

I ruled with an iron fist.

Now that we're divorced,
I'm not the boss of him anymore.

Why did I get divorced?

Yeah, and why
would he divorce you?

So, what are
you gonna do?

Nothing. There's
nothing I can do.

Against my better judgment,
I have to hand him over

into what I believe
is an unsuitable environment.

Yeah. How could my divorce
suck more than my marriage?

Are you sure
you're okay, sweetie?

Because if you don't
want to go...

I really want to go.
I know, but if you

don't want to go...
I want to go.

Listen, darling, it's okay
with me if you don't want...

You're not listening to me.

Sorry.

It's just that I'm
so excited for you

'cause it's your
first concert.

Yippee.

But listen, honey,

I want you
to remember something.

If you get lost, you look
for anybody in a uniform.

Anybody?

Oh, no. Not anybody.

Not somebody in a Nazi uniform.

Or that uniform Michael
Jackson wore for a while.

Oh, yeah. Right.

But anybody else in a uniform.

Okay.

( clears throat )

Oh, they're not here,
so we better just...

Hey, there he is.

Ready for the concert, Ritchie?

Yay!

Don't worry,
he's gonna be fine.

Yup. See you.

We'll have him
home tomorrow.

Oh, wait, wait,
wait. Um...

I don't want him to sit
too close to the speakers.

We've got earplugs.

And don't let him
get dehydrated.

We're bringing water.

And please don't sit next
to anybody who's smoking.

Christine,
half the band's on oxygen.

No one's gonna be smoking. Bye.

But, wait, wait, uh...

What?

Uh...
( stammers )

Uh, Matthew?

Rock 'n' roll.

( whispers ):
Bye.

Thanks a lot.

It's okay. We're
gonna have fun, too.

Okay, new game.

I name the relative,
you name their problem.

Uncle Jack.

Liver.

Cousin Laurie.
Liver.

Great-grandpa Lloyd.

Liver.

Okay, bonus round...

Second cousin Allan.

Liver. They're all liver.

Okay, Mom's side of the family.

Lung.

Damn it.

Matthew, the idea of Ritchie

all alone with those freaks
and druggies and Hell's Angels.

He's going downtown,
not to Vietnam.

He's not gonna be alone.
He's with Richard.

Yeah, that's my point.

Look, Richard's a good guy.

I mean, he can be
a goofball sometimes

and he does laugh a little too
hard at The Wizard of Id, but,

I mean, he loves that kid
as much as you do.

He's not going to let
anything bad happen to him.

Yeah, I guess
you're right.

I mean, what
really could happen?

Exactly. It's not like
he's going with our dad.

Then there'd be
something to worry about.

Why, what do you mean?

Well, you remember
Dad took me to the Dodger game.

He let me go to the bathroom
alone, and I got lost.

Yeah, I was crying,
I couldn't find my seat.

No one would help me
because it was a close game.

I ended up

wandering into the locker room.

Didn't you ever wonder
why I have that picture of me

next to Fernando Valenzuela
in his underwear?

Dad let you go to the bathroom
all by yourself?

Oh, my God.

That's exactly the kind of thing
Richard would do.

Oh, my God.

I married my father.

That's big, but I'll
deal with that later.

Richard's not like that.

Yes, he is!

One day he left Ritchie
in the ball pit at Ikea.

He came all the way home
and assembled a bookshelf

before he realized
that he was gone.

To this day,
Ritchie cannot eat a meatball

without bursting into tears.

Oh, my God.

Oh... Ritchie!

( sighs )

I'm, I'm sorry.
You want tickets for what?

The Rolling Stones.
Two tickets.

They're seated
in the third-row orchestra,

so something close to that.

All right. Well, let's see
what we've got.

Is the, uh, front row okay?

Yeah, that'd be perfect.

Wait. I might have something
a little bit closer.

Yeah, two tickets
right on stage.

Now it's a little louder,

but you might get
to dance with Mick.

Oh, yeah, we'll take those.

How high are you, huh?

We're completely sold out.

It's the Rolling Stones.

If you don't have tickets,
then why are you even open?

Because I'm selling tickets
to Kristi Yamaguchi,

the Wiggles On Ice,
and the Gay Rodeo.

Whoa. Is that
all one show?

'Cause I'd see that.

Matthew.

Sir, I'm sorry, let me
just explain to you

my situation, okay?

My nine-year-old son
is in there with his father

and his new girlfriend,

and there's a very strong
possibility

that he's going to let him go
to the bathroom on his own.

I'm so sorry.
I didn't... I didn't know.
Oh, that's all right.

We keep two emergency
tickets available for
situations like this.

Is the fourth row okay?

That would be great.

Okay. Oh, let me
just get those for you.

Where do we keep them?

Ah, they're right here.

He's not getting
the tickets, is he?

Oh, no, sweetie,
he's not.

Let's get out of here.
We'll go get you some chaps

for the Gay Rodeo.

No, I have to get in there

to see what's happening
with Ritchie.

Why don't you
just call Richard

on his cell phone
and check up on him?

Because then he'll dig
his heels in deeper.

He's stubborn, like Daddy.

Oh!

Maybe you're overreacting.

Richard's a pretty
good dad.

I know, I know,

but I just got
to get in close enough

so I can keep an eye on Ritchie
without Richard knowing.

All right, you know,
I hate to have to do this,

but I may have
to pull out my secret weapons.

Oh, God, you're not

dragging those things
out again, are you?

Hey, these babies got me into
Live Aid on two continents

and the L.A. County Fair
when I left my purse in the car.

It's kind of hard to
believe you're the more
responsible parent.

I know, right?

Oh, my God, I won't have to.

There he is, all alone.

I knew it!
Ritchie!

Ritchie, it's okay, sweetie.
Mommy is here.

Oh!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, sorry,
I thought that was my son.

Well, it's not.

You know what?

You should keep a closer eye
on your kid.

This is a rock concert.

What kind of mother
are you?

All right, that's it.
We're going in.

This can't be good for me.

Now, where are you going?

Uh, I'm with them.

No, you're not.

Am I with them... now?

No, you're getting further away.

Look, this is really important.

It's always really important,
but there's nothing I can do.

If I let every middle-aged,
oversexed fan in...

Middle-aged?

I'm not middle-aged. I'm young!

I'm spry.

For your information,
I can still do a back bend.

I mean, from a lying-down
position

and I'll need you to spot me.

Okay, I don't do that.

Now get out of here.

Oh, come on.
I really need
to get in there.

Nothing I can do.

Well, that's what they said
at the L.A. County Fair.

You looking?

Thank you.

What?

You said "good-looking."

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.
I said, "You looking?"

Why would I say
"good-looking"?

Because I'm
good-looking.

Well, I guess
you're pretty good-looking.

Thank you.

Um...

( whispers ):
Do you know anyone
selling tickets?

Yeah, I'm selling.

Ah, yes, looking.

I'm definitely looking.

What do you need?

Uh, two tickets
on the floor.

Uh, no problem.

$500 a pop.

Whoa, that's a little
out of my range.

What do you have for $50?

I can get you a T-shirt

with "The Rolling Stones"
spelled wrong.

Really? That's
the best you can do?

Yeah.

For a good-looking
guy like me?

Excuse me.
Do you work here?

Yeah.

Okay, I have got
to get inside

and I don't have time
to play games,

so let's quit cuttin' bait
and start fishing.

Cool.

Okay, can I get in?

I just work concessions.

Oh, my God,
I just flashed
you for nothing?

I can get you
a small soda.

Small soda?

Okay, a diet, please.

Hey.

Where'd you get the soda?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I have good news.

Two tickets,
tenth-row orchestra.

Matthew, that's great!

Only 300 bucks.

300 bucks?

I talked him down
from $500,

plus I got him
to throw in

this Rolling Scones T-shirt.

Hey, at least we're getting in.

I'll be able
to see Ritchie,

and hey, it might be
the last time

we're able to see the Stones.

( audience cheering )

We're not going
to be able to see
the Stones, are we?

No, sweetie,
we're not.

Oh, damn it!

It went right
to voicemail again.

Where are they?

I'm sure they're on their way.

( whiny ):
Let's just go home.

No. I want to be here
when they get back.

God, the concert ended
two hours ago.

This is exactly
what I was afraid
of, you know?

Oh! I'm so used
to being there for him.

I mean, and now
one day a week

and every other weekend,
I have no say

in what he does
or where he goes.

There's nothing
I can do about it.

That sucks.

I know.

Oh, God.

All right,
give me my bra back.

These things are sticking
to my stomach.

This definitely
is not good for me.

( both scream )

I haven't woken up
to that view in a long time.

At least now I know
why you married him.

What the hell
are you two doing here?

Richard, the better question
is where were you all night?

What? I was here.

No, you weren't,

'cause we went to the concert
and we came right back here

and you never showed up.

Because we never left.

We decided not to go

to the concert,
so we rented movies.

We were in bed by 9:00.

Didn't go to the concert?

New Christine talked
me out of it.

She did?

Yeah. She saw how upset
you were

when you dropped
Ritchie off

so she couldn't
go through with it.

She did that for me? Why?

She's nice.

Oh.

Well, tell her I said thanks.

Maybe you should
tell her yourself.

Yeah. This is a great way
to start the day.

So, you saw the Stones?

I'm afraid so.

You should really wear
underwear under that robe.

Hello?

Hello?

Hi, Christine.

Oh, hi.
You here
to pick up Ritchie?

He's still asleep.

Oh, no, actually,
I wanted to talk to you.

Um,

look, I know
I'm not always

the nicest person
to you,

and sometimes
I make fun of you.

I, uh, I do this bit
where you... where you can't

figure out
how to open up a window.

People seem to really like it,

but it's probably not fair
to you.

Yeah, I heard about that bit.

I also heard about the one

where I try to drink a soda
with my ear.

And that one--
while... while very funny--

is, um, is also rather unfair
to you.

You know, Richard told me
that you talked him out

of going to the concert,
and I just wanted to thank you.

I could see you were upset.

I'm not a mother,
but I have one.

After my folks got divorced,

my dad used to do things
just to make my mother mad.

That's how I got my ears
pierced... and my tattoo...

and my half brother.

I always felt bad for my mom.

Oh, well, you know,

I don't think Richard was doing
this just to get to me.

Oh, no, of course not.
Richard's a great dad.

But I want you to know,
as long as I'm around,

I'm going to look out
for Ritchie and for you.

Oh, wow, thanks.

You're a really decent
person, aren't you?

It's not that hard.

Well, anyway, I won't
do those bits anymore...

probably.

Harder for some people
than others.

You know what?

That is a really great bra.

It really holds
everything up there.

What, what kind is that?

I'm not wearing a bra.

You know, you make it
really hard to be nice to you.