The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 10 - No Fault Divorce - full transcript

What? What is all that?

I was just going through
some family photos.

Ten albums.

You know how many pictures
there are of me?

Two.

That's not you.

One.

I'm sure
you're in here somewhere.

( gasps ):
Oh, my God.

My wedding video.

Yeah, that's probably
all you, too.



You were there.

With your braces

and your thin little mustache.

And your cape.

God, yeah, the cape.

That was a rough phase.

No wonder I had to go
to the prom with my math tutor.

Yeah, and that would never have
happened if Mom hadn't paid her.

She paid her?

No, I'm kidding.

Oh, God, I hate myself.

We're back.

Hi, Mom.

Hey. Oh, hi, sweetie.
How was karate?



It was great.

I kicked my teacher
right in the wiener.

Huh. Same thing happened
in his piano lesson.

Okay, go change
for dinner, buddy.

Okay, Mom.
Okay.

( laughs )

Kee-ya!

Ritchie was
really good.

Mr. Kim went down hard.

Yeah.

You should have seen
Mrs. Keating

fall off that
piano bench.

Okay, I'm going to take off.

Okay.

Oh, and it's our turn
to bring snacks

to his next class,
so I'll pick something up.

Oh, that's okay.
You know what? I can get it.

Christine,

I said I'd do it.

I think I'm capable
of picking up snacks

for a group of nine-year-olds.

Of course you are.

What are you
going to get?

Well, let's see,
nine-year-olds, so,

cigarettes and hookers?

I'll bring donuts and some soda.

Oh, no, no.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're going to
feed two sugars

to a group of
nine-year-olds
in a karate class?

Why don't you just lop off
Mr. Kim's wiener now

and save yourself the trouble?

Okay, Christine, why don't you
just tell me what you want,

and I'll get it?

No, I'm not going
to tell you.

You know what to bring.

I'm not your mother.

What are you going to bring?

You're so amazingly controlling.

I have to be.

Otherwise, you'd wander around
aimlessly

until I told you what to do.

Wow. Now I know what
Mr. Kim's wiener feels like.

So, I guess Richard's
all mad at me now.

Yeah, well, tough.

If the man doesn't know
how to get snacks,

I'm mean, you've got
to direct him a little.

You know, it doesn't
make me controlling

just because he's helpless.

You know, I want
things done right.

Exactly.

Men get all mad when
you tell them how to do things.

You know, but if I didn't show
Pete the way every now and then,

he'd still be handling these

like he was working
on a pottery wheel.

You know what?

That doesn't sound
that bad to me.

CHRISTINE:
Oh, my God.

Barb, look at.

That's our old
marriage counselor.

That's Hilary.

Wow. I haven't seen
her since Richard
and I split up.

God. Mm. She was such a
good marriage counselor.

Yeah, I mean, up
until Richard and I
got divorced, yeah.

I mean, she had this way
of drawing me out, you know?

She'd just look at me and I'd
blurt out all these dark,

intimate things that I
didn't even know I felt.

Alka Seltzer cold medicine
does that for me.

Hi.

Um, I wanted to join,
and I was wondering

if you do a month-to-month plan?

Hello, Hilary.

Yeah, it's me.

Hello.

Christine Campbell.

Of Richard
and Christine.

You were our therapist.

Oh, oh, oh.

Christine Campbell.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes. How are you?

I'm good, I'm good.

I mean, Richard
and I are divorced now,

and I'm not dating anyone.

I mean, I've had a few nibbles,
but nothing too serious.

Sometimes I'm lonely.
You know...

Mornings are hard, but...

but mostly I'm okay,
you know?

Oh, this is my
black friend Barb.

Oh, my God, Barb,

I am so sorry.

I don't... I don't...
I don't know why I said that.

You know, it's her, and she
makes me say things that just...

It's-It's okay.

It's-It's been
the unspoken thing

between us for years.

Good luck.

Actually, you know,
she's great, really.

We've been black friends
for years.

I don't...

What-what...
What am I doing? I...

So-so, how is Richard?

Do you still see each other?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

And he's able to do that?

Uh, why-why wouldn't he
be able to do that?

Oh, no reason.

I just thought that once
he finally got away from your...

( guttural groan )

You know what? Doesn't matter.

Water under the bridge, right?

Locker room's this way or...?

Um, wait a
minute. Hilary?
Hmm?

Uh,, when you just went...

( choking sounds )

like, were you implying

that I was the problem
in our marriage?

No. No, no, no.

Oh. Good.

Good, 'cause, I mean,
we both had our issues.

Sure.

Yeah.

The divorce was
no one's fault.

Okay.

You know, you're not
my therapist anymore,

so if you, like,
have an opinion,

why don't you just
spit it out?

Um, I can't.

It's unethical.

Well, just tell me.
Was the divorce my fault?

I'm not going to answer that.

Was it someone's fault?
Yes.

Was it his fault?
No.

Matthew, do I drive men away?

I'll get out of here.

No, no, no.

Listen to me.

This morning, Richard was here,
and he accused me

of being too controlling,

and we got into this whole
argument about it.

And then our old
marriage counselor shows up

at the gym,
and she basically says

that it was my fault
that our marriage broke up.

Was it?

Did I drive Richard away?

Was I that bad?

No! You?

No!

Shut up.

I'm not.

I mean, yes,
I have my stuff.

But Richard had his stuff, too.

Definitely. Every relationship
has two people with stuff.

Yeah.

So, I mean, why didn't
she remember his stuff,

you know?

'Cause he's got
a boat load of it.

You know, weird weight issues,
weird manhood issues.

Still kisses his mother
on the lips.

Oh, is that bad?

Well, maybe she has you confused

with another couple.

Yes. Yes.

I bet that is exactly
what it is,

because if she knew who we were,
then she would remember

that we both had our issues.

I mean, Richard
was passive-aggressive.

He didn't try
to get along with
our family at all.

And he always left me with
an empty tank of gas.

And what were your issues?

I had to put up
with his crap.

What are you
watching here?

Oh. Is this my
wedding video?

Yeah, and I'm nowhere.

Well, you were there.

Unless there was
another guest

in a tuxedo
T-shirt and a cape.

How did I not get laid
that year?

( laughs )

Oh...

Look at us!

Oh, look at me.

Oh, God, I looked great.

Ah, I could have
married anyone.

"Love one another,
but make not a bond of love."

"Let it rather
be a moving sea

between the shores
of your souls."

"Fill each other's cup...

( clears throat )

"...but drink not from...
from one cup."

( suppressed giggle )

I'm sorry.

"Give one another
of your bread...

( camera shutters click )

but eat not from
the same loaf."

( laughing )

( laughing harder )

( supressing laughter )

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

You know what?
I'm sorry.

This is silly.

Dude.

Ah...

I don't need some poem
to tell you how I feel.

I love you, Christine.

You're the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And I can't wait to spend
the rest of my life with you.

( sniffles )

( crying )

I love you.

( crying )

Christine?

Oh, hey, come on in.

What's so important?

You know I hate coming here.

Why?

Because it's a women's gym,
and I always hear

these weird snippets
of conversations

about cycles and flow.

I swear to God, I would hear
the word "yeast" less

if you owned a bakery.

Yeah, well, deal with it.

That's what women talk about
instead of killing.

So, what's the big emergency?

And it'd better
not be the snacks

because I took
care of it.

Yeah, what'd you get?

I'm going to do it after this.

So, you're never gonna believe
who joined the gym yesterday.

Our old marriage counselor.

Hilary?

Yep.

She's got us confused
with some other couple

and I'm gonna jog her memory.

Well, I don't want to see her,
so I'm leaving.

Crap. She saw us.

Crap.

She saw me say "crap."

Why are you doing this?

'Cause she got us
totally confused

with some other couple.

Richard Campbell!

Holy cow!

( nervous laughter )

I was just thinking
about you.

Somebody had a birthday
a couple of weeks ago.

So you remember Richard?

Yeah. I remember
both of you.

( sotto voce ):
Damn it!

And Christine,
what do I do with this towel?

Just stick it somewhere.

Okay. Take care.

Bye.

( sighing in exasperation )

What?

( scoffs )

She knows exactly who we are,

so she really does think
that the divorce is my fault.

Why was she being so nice
to you?

Your birthday isn't until
next month.

No, it was two weeks ago.

Oh.

Happy Birthday.

Just let it go, Christine.

It's ancient history.

Besides, why do you care
what she thinks?

Because she's a
professional therapist.

Well, she wasn't
a very good one.

She was too opinionated,
she was late for appointments,

she slept with her clients,
she...

What?

Yeah. Yeah, remember?

Every appointment,
like, ten minutes late.

She slept with her clients?

Oh.

Did she? I don't know.

Oh, my God!

You slept with our therapist?

Just twice.

And she was late
for that, too.

I can't believe this,

you slept with
our therapist?!
Christine.

Christine,
take it easy.
I-I...

Take it easy.
Take it easy.

It happened long after
we broke up.

It was very
innocent:

We pulled up
next to each other
at a stop light,

then we had sex.

That is disgusting.

Pig!

What'd you do
the second time,

throw her down on
the Venice Boardwalk?

You're ridiculously
close.

Ugh.

Pig.

It was a rebound thing,
it didn't mean anything.

What, are you
kidding me, Richard?

If she had the hots for you
during our therapy,

then she was probably
steering us toward a breakup

rather than helping you
resolve your issue.

What?

Our divorce is a sham.

Don't say that.

Don't you say that--

we've got
a great divorce.

I don't know, Richard.

I don't know.

I mean, we were in
a very vulnerable position

when we saw her,

and we were getting advice

from somebody with
an ulterior motive.

Are you saying you think
we could have worked it out?

I don't know what to think.

Pig!

Hey, Richard.

Um, Christine, you've
got to get out there.

There's a group of
ladies in the bathroom

who are about to riot.

Everyone who works out on
Wednesday is on the same cycle,

and you're out of Maxi Pads.

It's like a CSI crime scene
in there.

Oh, my God,
I got to get out of here.

Christine, please,
I'll do anything.

I'll get any
snacks you want

if you just let me go.

Yeah,
go ahead.

I love doing that to him.

Oh, God.

I can't... I can't sit
in this dress.

I can't.
Why not?

Plus, I haven't eaten
anything since winter.

I'm afraid
if I take one bite,

I'm going to blow out
the whole zipper.

But that's okay, you eat,
it doesn't matter.

I'll just drink.

Come here, baby.

Mm?

Check this out.

What?

Hi!

( zipping )
( gasping )

Oh...

You like that?

Okay, nothing
that we do tonight

will ever feel as good
as that just did.

( laughs )

Want to bet?

Oh, my God...

Who do you love?

The caterer.

Aw...

Look at you two!

That's cute.

Hi, Barb.

You having fun?

Oh, yeah.
Beautiful wedding.

Really elegant.
Yeah.

Listen, can I
borrow ten bucks?

I didn't realize
it was a cash bar.

Hey, Richard, no offense,

but you got
some ugly groomsmen.

They look more like
pallbearers.

( laughing )

If I'm going home
with any of them,

I'm going to need
to get my drunk on.

Is that thing on?

Come on,
keep it coming,
keep it coming.

More, more.

More, more.

Why are you watching that?

I don't know.

You were around when
Richard and I were
having problems.

Was I? It's not documented
in any photographs.

Would you shut up
and help me?
I'm sorry.

It's not just
the pictures.

It's everything.

They never helped me
with my homework.

They gave my bedroom
to that exchange
student-- Pierre.

And then just because
my birthday

comes a week
before Christmas,

they always told me
the tree was my present.

Was it really over
between me and Richard?

I mean, what would
have happened

if we'd hung in there?

Why are you saying this?

You and Richard were
made to be divorced.

You know that.

I mean, I thought I did,
I really did.

But then I just found out
that Richard slept with
our marriage counselor.

We never had
a marriage counselor.

We weren't even married.

Would you listen to me?

I am in a crisis.

I am in a crisis, too!

I just can't stop thinking
about that Hilary.

Do you really think you and
Richard would still be married

if Hilary wasn't
your therapist?

I don't know.
Who's to say?

I can say.

Your marriage was a mess.

Christine, look,
can I be honest with you?

Yes. But not about my body.

Or my hair.

Or what other people
are saying about me.

Have a nice day.

WOMAN ( over PA ):
Change stations now.

Okay, what, what?

You've got to stop blaming
everybody else

for the breakup
of your marriage.

I'm not blaming.

I just want to know
whose fault it was.

It doesn't matter.

Of course it matters.

Whose fault do you think it was?

(imitating woman over PA ):
Change stations now.

No. No. No.

Come on, come on.
You have an opinion.

I want to know what it is.

Man, I hate this gym.

Tell me.

Look, I've been your
black friend for 25 years now,

and you know I love you,

but, Christine,
you are a control freak.

I mean, you called all the shots
in that relationship.

You ended your marriage,
nobody else.

WOMAN ( over PA ):
Change stations now.

That was her.

I don't want to do this today.

Ritchie, come on, buddy.

Karate was your idea.

Remember we
talked about this

when I paid for
the 12-week course?

This can't be like tennis,

when you took one lesson
and decided to quit.

I want to play tennis again.

Ritchie, I'm not doing this.

You're taking karate
and that's it.

Okay, now get out there
and kick some wiener.

Hey.
Hey.

Oh.

How's he doing?

Well, better
than basketball.

At least I got him
out of the locker.

( groans )

You okay?

Yeah. Look, uh...

I owe you an apology, okay?

The divorce wasn't
Hilary's fault.

It wasn't your fault.

Apparently,
it was my fault.

I made the decision
to get divorced.

I'm a control freak,
and I always have been.

I mean, look at this,
look at this.

I even brought the snacks,

and this was after
I made the realization

that I'm a control freak.

Christine...

You see? Even now, even now
I want to say something

about what you're wearing,
and I'm not even married to you.

I mean, what do I care?

Do you have another
pair of jeans?

I can't help myself.

I'm a monster.

I ruined our marriage,
and now I'm ruining our divorce.

Christine,
Christine,
stop, stop.

Look, I shouldn't have
slept with Hilary.

I'm sorry.

I was a mess
after we broke up.

I didn't know
what I was doing.

Yeah, but you know what,
that was my fault,

because I drove you to her.

Literally.

Remember? I wouldn't
let you drive

because you always changed lanes

without checking
your blind spot.

Christine,
listen to me.

Listen to me.

Yes, okay? Yes, it was
your decision

to end the marriage,
but I'm glad you did.

Yeah, but maybe
we could have worked it out.
No, we couldn't have.

Yeah, but I...
Can I finish?

But I just...
Can I finish?

But I just...
Can I finish?

Our marriage didn't work,

and if you didn't end it,
we'd still be going at it.

Because unlike
our son,

who signs up for things
and quits almost immediately,

I sign up for things
and stay way too long.

I'm still giving money
to the Kerry campaign.

We weren't happy.

And I am really
grateful to you

for killing our marriage
when you did.

Now you're just being nice.

I'm not.

You made the decision
I couldn't make.

It wasn't controlling,
it was brave.

And we're happy now.

We finally have
a healthy dynamic,

don't you think?

Yeah.

You're right.

Thank you.

This is better.

So what'd you bring
for snacks?

Nothing.

I knew it. I knew
you wouldn't bring snacks.

And I knew you would.

* La-oh-la-da... *

FEMALE VOCALIST:
* My first love *

* You're every breath
that I take *

* You're every step I make *

MALE VOCALIST:
* And I... *

MATTHEW:
Hey, there I am!