The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 9 - Ritchie Has Two Mommies - full transcript

Hi. Reminding myself to sign
Ritchie's permission slip,

bake cupcakes for
Parents' Night, new mascara...

Oh. Shave things.

Okay, yeah, that's it.

Um, thank you very much.

Oh! Juice boxes.

God!

Hello?

Hey, Christine,
it's me, Richard.

What?

Richard Campbell. We were
married ten years, now divorced.



We have a son, Ritchie.

No, I just,
I didn't hear the phone ring.

That surprised me;
I was on the other line.

With yourself?

( scoffs )

You don't know that for sure.

Has the cold medicine kicked in?

Like I'm still doing that.

What're you doing?

I'm having anxiety attacks
about that damn

Parents' Night at Ritchie's
school tomorrow night.

Ritchie's room mom asked me
to bring cupcakes.

When do I have time
to make cupcakes?

So just buy some.



What, are you nuts?

If I show up
with store-bought cupcakes,

the other moms will call
Child Protective Services.

( laughs )

You care too much
what those other moms think.

Well, Richard, you have to care
what other people think...

I mean, until you're old.

Then you can be
like your mother.

( laughs )

( Richard laughs )

Wow. I didn't see that
coming around to my mother.

Nicely done.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

So...

I was thinking, maybe it's time
for Ritchie to meet Christine.

Not you, of course.
He's met you, came out of you.

Uh...

I mean, you know,
my new Christine girlfriend.

Are you there?

Press the "9" key
if you're still awake.

Yeah, I'm here, Richard.

So, what do you think?

I think good!

I think great.

I mean, it's about time.

Haven't those two met yet?

( laughs )

I got to go.

What happened?

You were right.
I'm still on that cold medicine,

and it just kicked in.
I'm really fading fast.

So good night.

Damn it! Damn it!

I'm still here.
Oh.

Well, uh...

( clears throat )
...have a good night.

( sighs )

( soles scuffing ground )

( whispering ):
Matthew.

( taps glass )

Are you up?

( whispering sternly ):
Matthew?!

It's me, it's me.

Hi.

This better not be
about American Idol.

I got a real emergency.

Listen...

Richard wants
to introduce Ritchie to...

his... you know...

You might as well
just say it.

New Christine.

Damn it.

Wow, a new,
young girlfriend,

with the same
name as you.

That kind of blows.

Yeah, it so blows.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. No, no. You know,
I-I just took

some cold medicine, um,

'cause I have
a little...

( coughing )

...uh, cough.

Boy, that cough's
really hanging on.

What is it, like,
six years now?

Leave me alone.

I don't make fun
of your glaucoma medicine.

Listen, Matthew,

Ritchie is not
ready to meet his
dad's girlfriend.

Listen, I know
what you're afraid of.

He's not going
to like her better
than you.

I mean, I never liked
anyone more than our mom,

and she made me buy her
tampons and cigarettes.

Till about 15 years ago,

then she just wanted
the cigarettes.

And air-conditioning.

You know,
I just don't know

how Ritchie's going
to react.

So stall.

I-I was dating this girl once
and I got the feeling

she was going
to break up with me,

so I just never
answered the phone
when she called.

For how long?

I think we're
still together.

You should go back
to bed.

You're going
to make your cold worse.

What? Oh, yeah.
Ooh, I should go take something.

"Three and half cups flour...
sifted."

Oh, I have... okay.

Okay, one...

two...

( knocking )

Yeah, just a minute!

Two...
Christine!

Yeah, come on in.
Come on in.

Four. Wait. What?

( sighs )

I hope you preheated
that trashcan to 375.

Did you come over here
to make fun of my cooking?

Christine's waiting
outside.

What? Why?

She's here
to meet Ritchie.

What do you mean, now?

Yeah. Last night on the phone
you said it was okay.

No, no. I said it was okay
at some point, okay?

You know, at some point far,
far down the line, you know?

After books have been read

and professionals have been
consulted, okay?

I didn't know you were talking
about this morning, okay?

We can't do it now.
I'm not ready.

You're not ready?

No, I said he's not ready.

You said you.

No, I said "I" as in "him,"

as in I gave birth to him.

You see, Richard, you know what?

You don't listen. No.

Christine, it's okay.

Christine loves kids,
and I've talked to Ritchie

about the fact
that I'm dating.

He's okay with it.

Okay, you're right.
I'll be fine.

I'll call him.

( softly ):
Ritchie.

Ritchie.

Ah, you know what?
He's not home.

Hey, Dad!

Ah, he came back.

Hi.

Hey, Richard, you shouldn't
leave your girlfriend
out on the front porch.

Someone took my bike
from there last week.

Hi, Christine.

Dad, who's that?

Ritchie, I want you
to meet someone.

This is my friend
I've told you about.

Hi, Ritchie. I'm Christine.

Hi, Christine.

Hey, Mom,
she has your same name.

We're going to have
to work on that.

We'll let Mom
keep her name, though.

She's had it longer.

So, we thought we'd
go out for pancakes.

Oh, uh, Ritchie doesn't like
pancakes.

We could get eggs.

I love eggs.

Problem solved.

So let's go
get some eggs.

Okay.
Thank you for this.

Yes, thank you so much.

Okay. Bye, darling.
Give Mommy a little huggy.

Ooh. You're
such a big boy.

Good-bye, good-bye.

I love you.
Good-bye, darling.

I adore you.

Am I ever
coming back?

Yes, of course, you are.

Christine,
you're freaking him out.

Okay, sorry, sorry.
Off you go. Good-bye, darling.

Bye-bye. Have fun.

I'll just be here making
your cupcakes.

One...

two...

All right, keep an eye
out for Ritchie.

He and Richard
are meeting us
here tonight.

Oh, did you get any
information

on how it went
with the girlfriend?

Oh, no, I didn't ask.

'Cause you know
what I'm not doing?

Blinking?

No, I'm not freaking out,

'cause I've decided
to be mature.

They were going
to meet sometime,

that sometime was today.

They met, it's over.
I have nothing to worry about

because I'm his mom.

Well, you really are mature.

Here come those meanie moms
I was telling you about.

Let's freeze 'em out.
Freeze 'em out.
Freeze 'em.

Oh, Christine,
you made it.

How wonderful.

Oh, yeah, of course
I made it.

I wouldn't miss it.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi, there.

Uh...

I'm Marly.

My daughter Ashley's
in the same class

with Christine's son
from her first marriage.

No...

That's, that's my only marriage.

Oh, good.

Lindsay. Kelsey third,
Sammy fourth, Jackson pre-K.

This is my brother.
This is Matthew.

Oh, brother.
Okay.
Okay, yeah.

So what do you do,
Matthew?

I'm a producer.

No, you're not.

I'm a product tester.

What? Stop it.

No, he's my nanny.

He takes care of Ritchie
when I'm at the gym.

Oh, good for you.
Work and the gym.
Lots of "me" time.

Yeah. Yeah, no wonder
you can't make it
to school events.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I own the gym.

And I'm here at a school event.

And I even made
these cupcakes here.

I baked them from scratch.
Baked?

Oh, my goodness.
Made them herself.

Yeah.

And well, baking
probably helps keep
your mind off...

Well, bless your heart.

It's nice meeting
you, Matthew.

Hi, Mom!
Hey, Ritchie! Oh, hi, honey.

I'm so glad to see you.

Gosh, did you have fun?

I had a lot of fun.
Christine's so nice.

We went out
for breakfast.
Oh.

And I had
an extra large soda.

Holy moly.

And then we went
to the mall

and I got to have
ice cream for lunch.

Whoa!

It was really fun.

Yeah, you said that.

Oh, that's great.

I really, really,
really think that's great.

( whispers ):
Blink.

And she came with us.

And she what?

Oh, hi.

Oh, Christine,

he's such
a great kid.

We had so much fun.

Uh, well, has anyone
ever had as much fun

as you had today?

We brought donuts
and they're hot.

Ooh, that sounds good.

Not as good as one of your
trashcan cupcakes, though...

Mom, can I have a hot donut?

No, honey.
No donuts.

Sounds like you've been
eating sugar all day.

And that can give
you a headache.

That's what fun does.

It gives you a headache.

Richard, can I talk to you
just for a second?

Yeah.

Why is she here?

And please don't use
the word "fun,"

or I swear to God
I'll push you down.

Christine, there was
nothing I could do.

We ran out of time.

Are you upset
that she's here?

Am I upset
that she's here?

You know, I think
there might

actually be something
wrong with you, Richard.

Okay?

It's Parents' Night.
It's for parents.

Chippy Night is
later in the month.

Why are you making
such a big deal?

Are you still worried about
what those moms will think?

No, I'm worried
about our son.

This is a new school,

and we come in here,
me, the working mother,

you, the ex-husband,
the new girlfriend,

the producer brother.

I mean, put a couple
of bolts on your neck

and we're the
freakin' Munsters.

That's ridiculous.

No one's even going
to notice that she's here.

You must be
Ritchie's mom.

Boy, you look
just like him.

Um, hi.

We haven't been introduced.

I'm actually Ritchie's mom.

I'm Christine Campbell.

I'm sorry,
I just assumed...

No, no, no, that's such
an easy mistake to make.

I mean, it's Parents' Night.

And generally, you don't
think of Parents' Night

as being open to
the community at large.

But since we're all here,
I've made these name tags,

just to avoid any
uncomfortable situations.

I'm going to get a donut.

Oh, okay.
Well, you know what?

These cupcakes are homemade,
in case

you're interested
in that, but you're not.

That's fine.

Mom, is it okay if I show
New Christine my artwork?

I'd love to see
your artwork, Ritchie.

You know, once, they put
my art up in a mall.
Cool.

NEW CHRISTINE:
Yeah!

So... bringing the new
girlfriend to Parents' Night.

How'd you get pants on
over walnuts that big?

What? I don't see why
it's such a big deal.

You don't?

I think there might actually
be something wrong with you.

Is that lizard eating
one of my cupcakes?

Oh, no. We tried, but he
wouldn't go near it.

Christine, Ritchie is
such a great artist.

Yeah, I know that.

Mom?
Yeah?

Can I have a donut now?

No. No more sweets.

I told you
we shouldn't have asked her.

( scoffs )

Attention, parents!
Can I get you all

to gather around here
for a few moments?

I want to bring you up to speed
about our planned curriculum

for the remainder of the year

and answer any questions
you might have.

The donuts are almost gone.

Please, can I have one?

Ritchie, the answer is no.

All right, come on,
let's go and see what
Mrs. Belt has to say.

I want to stay here
with Christine.

Ritchie, I think you should
go with your mom.

I don't want to.
I'd rather stay here with you.

No, no, that's fine.

That's totally okay.

But when somebody asks you
"What's the planned curriculum

gonna be?"
you're not gonna know.

And I'm not gonna tell you.

Look at this.

The kids are gonna have pen pals
in third world countries.

What a sweet idea.

Oh, shut up.

Well, thank you, everyone.

Now please, take a look
around our classroom,

enjoy some of
our yummy desserts.

I think I saw
hot donuts over there.

Mrs. Campbell?

A-Are you all right?

Oh, yeah, I'm-I'm fine.

I'm fine, Mrs. Belt.

Well, actually,

I'm just a little bit
worried about Ritchie.

He just met his dad's girlfriend
for the first time,

and he might be having
a rough time with it.

Are you having a rough time
with it, Mrs. Campbell?

Yeah, Mrs. Belt.

I... I certainly am.

Hey, are you
sure you're okay?

Oh, yeah, Matthew, I'm fine.

I mean, Mrs. Belt just seemed
like she needed a hug, so...

At least Ritchie
seems to like her.

CHRISTINE:
Well, yeah.

Of course he likes her.

She's all...

28 and well rested.

Yeah, she is cute.

Am I cute?

Don't do that.

God, it was bad enough
when she was New Christine.

Now she's Fun Christine?

I mean, I can't even imagine
what that makes me.

Listen, of course he wants
to be with her tonight.

She's all sunshine
and smiles,

and you're all
tension and teeth.

Well, what am I supposed
to do, I mean,

just break all the rules,
let him eat sugar all the time,

you know, just so he'll like me?

That's what you do with
me, and I like you.

All right,
all right.

Hey, Ritchie.

What?

If you're still interested,
you can have a cupcake!

Can I have a donut?

Well, but the cupcakes are
homemade-- really--

with love and organic eggs,
while the donuts are made

with lard by strangers
in hairnets.

( sniffs )

But if you want a donut,
you can have one.

Have two.
Really?

Sure. It'd be fun.

Can I have another one?

Yeah, what the hell?

A little sugar
never hurt anyone.

( coughing )

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry about your tummy.

You think you can make
it to the bathroom now?

What happened, pal?
Are you okay?

Mom made me eat four donuts.

Christine!

Come on, pal.

Let's go splash
some water on your face.

Oh, Christine, hi.

Uh... yeah, I was just...

Do I smell like cigarettes?
It's 'cause...

yeah, there was this group of
guys smoking out there,

and I just walked through,
like, a big cloud of it.

And now I feel like I smell...
Okay, I smoke.

Oh, that's okay.

I take cold medicine
to go to sleep.

I take sleeping pills
and cold medicine.

Uh, are you okay?
Yeah, yeah.

I mean, divorce sucks and I'm
a terrible mother, but I'm fine.

You know, it could be worse.

My husband doesn't even
show up to these things.

Your kid's got his dad
and his uncle,

his dad's girlfriend and you.

That's a lot of people
showing an interest.

My kid would kill for that.

Are you being nice to me?

You know, mothers have
to stick together.

What are you doing?

Christine was smoking.

I was looking for you.
Well, you found me.

I don't like that.

Oh, is he okay?

Is he still barfing?

Well, he stopped,
and then he started again.

And then he stopped,
and then he started again.

And then he stopped,
and then he really started.

And I'm not very...

I got it.
I got it. I got it.

Christine. I know I shouldn't
have come tonight.

I just really

wanted to spend
some time with Ritchie.

I mean, he's such a big part
of Richard's life,

and you're such a big part
of Richard's life.

And... well, sometimes I get
a little bit jealous of you.

You're jealous of me?

Yeah.

I think that's why
I'm so mean to you.

Well... as long as
we're being honest,

I should say...

...I accept your apology.

( door opens )

Mommy, I feel sick.

Oh, honey, I'm coming,
sweetheart.

I'm coming.

I have to go.

My kid needs his mommy.

But you've been
very nice to my son,

and Ritchie seems
to like you very much.

So that's the important thing.

So I guess I should say...

I accept your apology.

Yeah, and I was
trying to be fun.

But being fun isn't
really my job.

My job is to take care of you.

So from now on, I'm
gonna stick to that.

I mean, that doesn't mean that
we can't have fun sometimes.

We can, just not all the time.

'Cause there's a time
for fun, and...

Could you stop talking, please?

Yeah.

Thank you.
Yeah.