The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 8 - Teach Your Children Well - full transcript

Ow! Damn it.

Damn it.

Damn it!

That looks pretty good.

Hey, guys!

How was the birthday party?

Awesome!
We got to Daniel's house,

and they had
these shuttles waiting

to take us to the Kings game.

We had seats
right on the glass.

Yeah.
And then after,



we went into the locker room,
and we met the players.

It was awesome!

And the best part is,
in the bathroom,

everyone pees in
this giant sink.

Daniel's dad
is a sports agent

for, like,
half the team.

Yeah, he's so cool.

I'm just a stupid contractor.

Best I could go is go
into Home Depot

and use the ladder
without supervision.

And even though it
was Daniel's birthday,

I got presents.
Huh.

I got DVDs, passes
to Magic Mountain...
Whoa.

...signed jerseys.
Wow.



Mom, can we have a hockey
party for my birthday?

Oh, can we?!
That would be awesome.

Sorry... kids.

Ritchie, your birthday

is in less
than two weeks.

We've already planned
your party.

Besides, you don't want to have

the same party as Daniel.

That would be boring.

What's my party going to be?

You're going to have
a theme party:

"Luck of the Irish."

Christine,
you can't throw

that "Luck of the
Irish" party again.

Everyone knows you're just
trying to get rid

of those damn shamrock plates.

How many of those did you buy?

I don't know.

Every time I think
they're almost gone,

I look... and there's
more of them.

I swear, they multiply
like the real Irish.

Nice.

What? I can say that--
I'm Irish.

No, you're not; I'm Irish.

Eh, whatever.

Anyway, Ritchie, your party's
going to be

just as good as Daniel's.

Can we pee in the
sink at my party?

I said it was an Irish party.

What do you think?

Why are we doing this?

Does a nine-year-old
really need a party planner

for his birthday?

Well, Richard was
right, you know,

they do things
differently at
this school.

At his old public school,

I could just buy
a bunch of Costco cupcakes,

put a hat on the dog,
and people thought

they were invited
to the royal wedding.

My traditional green hot dogs

are not going to cut it
this year.

How did you get those hot dogs
to turn green?

Let's just say
it was a happy accident.

Hello, welcome to
Parties By Kit.

I'm Kit; is there something
I can help you with?

I-I'm sorry, Kit?

Kit.

Kit.

Uh, yeah.

We need to plan a party.

Which month are we looking at?

Uh, this one,
it's in ten days.

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Um, it's for my son's
ninth birthday.

It's a week
from Saturday.

I know it's kind
of last minute.

Did you not know
it was his birthday?

No, no, I did know.

I had a party planned,
but then, I was talked

into doing something
more extravagant.

So, what do you have in
the way of extravagant?

We have different
packages.
Oh.

The platinum package

includes personalized video
invitations, gift bags,

catering, bartender,
and an appearance by one

of the Desperate Housewives.

I'm not able to say which one.

Teri Hatcher?

What do you think?

Wow. And how much is that?

$400 a head.

And how much without
Teri Hatcher?

Six hundred.

( laughs )

( laughing ):
Oh, you're so bad.

But, um, but
seriously,

do you have anything a
little... a little
less extravagant?

Well, we can do
your basic package,

which is no celebrities,

e-mailed
invitations,

a buffet, deejay,
and a choice of theme.

And how much is this?

$100 to $150 a head.

And what do you have
for $100 to $150 total?

This consultation.

Oh, great,
we'll take that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Put those in there--
yeah, that's great.

$400 a head for a children's
birthday party?

What are they, insane?

God, those parents don't throw
those parties

for their kids,
they throw them for themselves.

You know, all kids want to do
is have fun.

All right, I'm putting an end
to this craziness right now.

Next week,
for Ritchie's birthday,

I'm going to throw a party
where the focus is on the kids.

Those parents can learn

what a real children's birthday
party is supposed to look like.

Yeah, nothing nine-
year-olds enjoy more

than a good old-
fashioned lesson party.

Maybe you could give out
spankings in the gift bags.

It's not a lesson party.

It's a party... with a lesson.

It'll be fun.

Come on, remember when
we were younger?

We didn't need a lot of stuff
to make a good party.

Mom would make
a Duncan Hines cake.

Daddy would turn on
the sprinkler.

Mom would scream at Dad for
turning on the sprinklers.

Dad would get
an apartment.

Mom would make me
sleep in her bed.

All for under a hundred bucks.

Okay, yeah, good.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah,
that looks nice, huh?

Like a good old-fashioned
children's birthday party.

At the hockey party, they put
our pictures on the scoreboard,

and Kelly Clarkson sang
"Happy Birthday" to Daniel.

It was awesome.

We are going to have
plenty of fun, all right?

We've got food,

we got music...

Games... Lookie here,
the crafts center.

Glitter glue
and a pile of macaroni?

Yeah, kids are going
to decorate their own frames,

and then I'm going
to take a Polaroid of them

so they have a permanent memento
of the good time that they had.

Are you going
to get them stoned first?

Because that's really
the only way

they're going to have
any fun at all.

Okay, you're this close to being
uninvited to this party.

( doorbell rings )

Oh, God, the party's starting!

Oh! Ritchie!

Ritchie, the party's
starting, honey!

Your friends are here.
Your friends are here.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Oh, wow, a crafts table.

See? Drug-free fun.

Hi, guys.
Hello.

Welcome. Come in.

Thanks for
inviting us.

Absolutely.

It's a sweet neighborhood.

It's like the land
that time forgot.

I love these
old cottages.

They're so... rustic.

Reminds me of our
place on the lake.

Where's the party?

Here.

Is there a bus coming
to take us to the party?

No, no, this
is the party.

It smells funny in here.

Um, you know, that's probably
the potato salad.

Like we have
at the lake.

Hey, Kelsey. Hey, Ashley.

You guys want
to go see my room?

Oh, no, no, Ritchie, we only
cleaned this part of the house.

I tell you what, why don't you
take them to the crafts table,

and you can show them how
to decorate a picture frame.

Okay. Come on, guys.

We have to do homework?

Oh, not homework--
party work.

You will be graded, though.

That's just...
a funny joke.

Yeah, come on in.

Oh, hi, guys.

Come, come.
Thanks for coming.

Oh, hi, Jack.

It stinks in here.

I'm sorry.

He's going through a thing
where he feels it's necessary

to tell the truth
all the time.

I'm not the first person
to ever make potato salad.

Can I have
something to drink?

I'm going to have
to see some ID.

I don't have an ID.

All right... but you didn't
get it from me.

( laughing )

Wow.

You got
a laugh out of him.

He usually doesn't laugh this
much unless something's on fire.

I take it
you're Jack's mom.
Guilty.

So where's
Jack's dad?

Probably with
his new girlfriend.

Ouch.
Liz.

Matthew.

Single?

Oh, and then some.

Okay, kids, now I get
to take your picture

and then you get to put it

in your hand-decorated
picture frame.

Christine, this is
such a darling party.

Oh...
So homey, and...
comfy-cozy.

I bet you decorated
this place yourself, didn't you?

Yeah, I did.

Oh.

Um, okay, guys, listen up.

This is the fun part.

So, I'm going
to take your picture

and then you get to put it
in your homemade picture frame.

And then, boom, you got yourself
a nice little party favor.

Okay, so let's
see whose is whose.

Which one of you is...?

All right, who wrote
"This blows"?

All right, say good-bye
to your party favor.

And same goes for
"I'm bored."

And "Help me."

Sorry. That was mine.

When's Teri Hatcher
going to be here?

No, there's-there's
no Teri Hatcher.

But who likes Carole King?

Richard, go get my guitar.

Yeah, just get it, Richard.

So, singing, huh?

Yeah.

Bet the kids are going
to love that.
Yeah.

Oh.
Okay.

Do you like
being a nanny?

I do.

Although, I prefer
the term "manny."

It emphasizes my man-ness
and nanny-ness together.

So is that your car

I saw in the driveway?
Yes, it is.

Do you have a clean
driving record?

I wash it myself.

You free
on the weekends?

I'm available 24/2.

Good.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

Is Christine going to be okay
with you taking a second job?

What are you talking about?
She was hitting on me.

She was interviewing
her new nanny.

She was fondling my leg.

People don't fondle
their nannies.

Yeah, that never happens.

Where did you get wine?

Well, that's the beauty
of this neighborhood.

You're so close
to the liquor stores.

Well, I'm just going
to get the cake started

and then we can
wrap things up here.

Oh, a cake.

You really went all out.

Yeah, look, I get it.

It's not a good party.

I mean, I tried to do something
and, obviously, it failed.

But would I do it again?

No, I would not.

Kelsey, look, I found
a dollar in the couch.

Oh, Ashley, honey,
put that back.

The Campbells
need that money.

No, no, no,
that's okay.

Go ahead and keep it.

Look, I found batteries.

Can I keep them?

Yeah, they're all yours.

What about this glove?

Yeah, if you find the other one,
both can be yours.

Hey, Mom,
is this a treasure hunt?

Would you like for it
to be a treasure hunt?

Hey, guys,
it's a treasure hunt.

( cheering )

Look, there's a lot of
junk over there.

Yeah, there is.
Use the whole house.

There's crap hidden everywhere.

( cheering )

( laughs )

A treasure hunt.

Maybe you should try
that at the lake.

I better go.

Jack's all amped up on sugar,

so it's a good time
to drop him off at his dad's.

Well, see you tomorrow, right?

Well, yeah, you're picking
Jack up from school.
Oh.

And then you and I
will have dinner.
Oh!

Just pick something up
when you're at the market.

Oh.

I'll see you tomorrow, then.

Oh.

What?

Bye-bye.
Thanks for coming.

Bye, guys.

That was fun. Bye.

Thanks for all the stuff.

Oh, sure.

That was a brilliant
treasure hunt, Christine,

and I'll get your bra back
to you after Jack goes to sleep.

Keep it as long as he...
he needs it.

Bye-bye. Thanks for coming.

Thank you, Christine.

Sure.
Come on, sweetie.

I don't want to leave.
We're going.

I don't want to be in this
neighborhood after dark.

What do you say
to Mrs. Campbell?

I wish I lived here.

That really hurts
my feelings.

That lasted for six hours.

I believe that is
a birthday party record.

You know what I smell?

I know, I smell it, too.

Should we light a candle
or something?

No. That's the smell of success.

I mean, those kids
were really having fun.

I'm really proud of us.

Us? Us?!

No way. That was all me, baby.

Mom, that was an awesome party.

Yeah, did you like it?

Yeah, all my friends
had so much fun.

Oh, wow, it was
so my pleasure, Ritchie.

You know, it just
goes to show you.

You don't need a lot of money
to have a whole lot of fun.

You know,
I think everybody learned

a very valuable lesson today.

Look at this.

Kelsey got me a weekend
in Catalina

and a helicopter ride
around the island.

Oh. The best part
is they bought their gift

before they learned
their lesson.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, honey.

Gosh, how was school?

Was everybody talking
about your party?

Yeah.

I knew it.
What'd they say?

Tell her, Ritchie.

Tell her what they said.

I have a nickname.

( gasps ):
They gave you a nickname.

How great is that?

What is it?

Tell her, Ritchie.

Tell her what
your nickname is.

Poor kid.

What?

Poor kid.

Everyone calls me that now.

Can I go play with my presents?

Sure.
Thanks.

Poor kid?

That's right-- poor kid.

Hey, maybe he can write it in
macaroni on his picture frame.

And then sell it for food.

Well, I mean,
those kids had fun.

That was a good party.

Only by accident.

If you didn't have
such a filthy house,

it would've been a disaster.

Face it.

You sacrificed your son
to teach them a lesson.

I didn't.

I honestly thought
it was possible

to have a good party
without celebrities.

What are we going to do?

We? Oh, no.

It's all you, baby.

Oh, how am I going to fix this?

You're not.
You're going to leave it alone

and hopefully those kids
will find some other outcast

and refocus
their attention on him.

And of course the kid
with the big shoe

had to transfer out
last week.

What was his nickname again?

Big shoe.

Okay, I'll see you
later, Mom.

Uh, you know what,
sweetie, wait a second.

Yeah?
Um...
( clears throat )

Listen, Ritchie, uh,
I owe you an apology.

Uh, the truth is, um,

that I couldn't really
afford to throw you

one of those fancy parties,

and so I decided
to make a statement,

and that wasn't
very fair to you.

Um...

So... ( chuckles )
it's-it's really my fault

that you got that nickname,
and I feel terrible about it.

It's okay, Mom.
I liked my party.

Yeah, but what about
the nickname?

I doesn't really bother me.

Hey, poor kid.

Hey, Kelsey.

Hey, poor kid.

Hey, Jack.

I'll see you later, Mom.

Okay, so on Friday
I told you

we'd be starting
our chapter

on the California missions.

How many of you have ever been
to a mission?

Ashley?

I've been to
the Four Seasons on Maui.

Yes, yes, Ashley, I remember
you brought that up

when we were studying fractions.

Mrs. Campbell,
is everything okay?

Uh, actually, I was wondering

if I could just get a minute
with the kids, Mrs. Belt.

Hi, sweetie.

Uh, sure.

Thank you.

Um, hi, guys.
Uh, this won't take long.

I just wanted to talk to you
for a minute

about the nickname
that you gave to Ritchie.

Who?

Uh, uh...

poor kid.

Sorry, sweetie.

Anyway, I know
that Ritchie says

that his nickname
doesn't bother him,

but I'm here because
I've had a nickname,

and it certainly did bother me.

What was it?

That's not important.

Now, I know that you're
just kids

and you're just having fun,

but you need to know
that sometimes words can hurt.

My nickname stuck with me
from third grade

all the way through
my freshman year of college.

What was it?

Again, not the point.

The point is that I pretended
it didn't bother me, too,

but it did.

And I was hoping that it would
go away, but it didn't.

What was it?

Ritchie!

Come on,
Mrs. Campbell,

you know, I think your story
would have more impact

if you told us
what the nickname was.

Okay, fine.

It was...

"Pooter."

( kids laugh )

It's not very funny.

It isn't funny, because I had
had the stomach flu

the whole week before,
and then I came back to school

a little bit too early

and I shifted wrong in my seat
and one just flew out.

( kids laugh )

Children, children,
that's bad manners.

Thank you, Mrs. Belt.

Mrs. Campbell is trying
to tell us a very...

painful story
from her childhood,

and you have
to imagine

how difficult
it must have been to...

( laughs )

...carry that nickname "Pooter."

( all laugh )

Well, I think I've made my point

and the point is--
nicknames hurt.

God, I can't believe
that nickname is back,

and I'm the one
that brought it back.

You are a good mom

and that is
a great birthday present--

taking a bullet for your kid.

Why couldn't it have been
an actual bullet?

Hey, what's the deal with you?

Did you ever find out
if you're dating Liz?

Well, we slept together.

Oh, that clears it up.

Then she paid me and asked me

if I needed a ride
to the bus stop.

Sorry. Guess you won't be seeing
her again, huh?

Did you not hear me?

She slept with me,
then paid me.

It's the best relationship
I've ever had.

You are disgusting.

Yeah, you should talk, Pooter.