The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 7 - A Long Day's Journey Into Stan - full transcript
Having broken up with Burton, Christine forgets that she has switched nights of care-taking of Richie with Richard since she was going to see a play with Burton. She wants to switch back to the original schedule, but Richard has already other plans for the next day. So Christine concedes and ends up spending the evening alone, since Matthew is with his new, clingy girlfriend Natalie (who is never seen again after this).
On last week's episode...
Where are you going?
To tell Burton I love him!
I have to tell you something,
and it's the kind of something
that should only be said
in person...
or on a giant screen
at a baseball game.
I...
...don't think
I can see you anymore.
Wow, I'm... so glad
you didn't put that
on a giant screen
at a baseball game.
Gotcha!
( screams )
Oh, sorry, honey,
don't be scared.
It's just Mommy.
Don't do that.
Okay, I won't.
Sorry. Sorry, sweetie.
How was your day? Okay?
Great.
I saw a second-grader throw up
lasagna in the bathroom.
Ah, okay. What else?
Maybe applesauce.
( sighs )
Well, this school's definitely
worth the second mortgage.
And it's my night
to take home Marvin.
The janitor?
No, the class rat.
We named him after the janitor.
Oh. Could we take home
the janitor?
I mean, the pellets are bigger,
but he cleans up after himself.
That's a good
one, right?
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Hi, Dad. Hey, New Christine.
Hey.
It's funny every time.
What are you guys doing here?
Picking up Ritchie.
We switched
nights, remember?
You were going to go see
some play or something.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I was going to go see
that play with Burton.
We got the tickets
when we were together,
but we're not together anymore,
so... no play.
I mean, they're probably
not going to cancel the play
just because we broke up, but...
Anyway, I-I-I'll take
Ritchie tonight,
and then you can take him
tomorrow.
I can't.
Why?
I'm going out
of town tomorrow,
and we already have movie
tickets for tonight.
Plus, I already gave you
an extra day this week
so you could take him
to that thing on ice.
I love things on ice.
No, no, no, the-the thing
on ice is next week.
This is next week.
( groans )
We missed the thing on ice.
So what am I doing?
Uh, all right,
your dad's right.
You know what?
Let's just stick to the plan:
You go with Daddy tonight,
and I'll figure out
something else to do.
Go get your backpack,
sweetie pie.
Okay.
Oh, I hate to think
of you all alone.
Why don't you come
with us?
We're going to go see
that new movie.
It's with Selma Blair...
or Salma Hayek.
Which one is married
to Michael Douglas?
Yeah, yeah, come with us.
You just broke
up with Burton.
You don't want
to be alone.
Oh, no, you guys, please.
I was alone a long time
before Burton;
I'm going to be alone
a long time after Burton.
Sad.
No, it's not sad. It's great.
I'm good alone, really.
I mean, in fact, in high school,
I was voted
"most likely to be alone,"
and it was a big school.
Really sad.
Oh, it's fine.
Okay, sweetie.
You got everything?
All right, give me kiss.
See you later, alligator.
In a while, crocodile.
Okay. Bye.
Man, that was
tough to watch.
Seeing your kid
get hauled away
by your ex and his
new, young lover.
I know what that's like.
Been there, done that,
got the tee shirt.
Hi, Stan.
No, it's not like that at all.
We just got our wires crossed,
that's all.
Oh, hello,
Mrs. Campbell.
Are you waiting for me?
Oh, no, she just had
a mix-up with her kid,
but she's okay now.
I'm taking care of her.
We had a thing.
Yes, I, uh, think
I heard something about that.
Oh, well, did you hear
she got dumped by
her rebound guy?
No, I didn't hear that.
No, no, he wasn't
my rebound guy,
and I broke up with him.
And we, uh, we didn't
have a thing...
I don't really need
an explanation.
I'm just going to clear out
and let you two talk.
Good luck to you, Mrs. Campbell.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mrs. Belt.
Please, Stan,
please don't keep telling people
about our thing.
I know breakups
are hard.
I could write
a book about it.
In fact, I did.
Just can't find a
publisher, though.
You're in it.
You come off okay.
Okay. I've got to go.
I-I-I'll-I'll see you, Stan.
Well, wait, wait.
Uh, I do want
you to know
that I appreciate what
a tough time this is,
and, you know,
if the loneliness
ever gets too much,
and you start
feeling sad,
just remember I got big
shoulders to cry on.
Well, Stan,
let me tell you something, okay?
There is absolutely nothing sad
about the evening
I have ahead of me.
Mrs. Campbell?
Yes.
Don't forget your rat.
No, no, no,
we're not together anymore.
Oh, the rat!
Marvin. Yes.
Okay, Marvin.
Well, I wish I could say
you were the first rat
I brought home
to spend the night...
but if you play
your cards right,
you might be the first rat
to make it till morning.
Hello.
God, Matthew!
Why didn't you tell me
you had company?
God, I might have done
something embarrassing.
Yeah, seducing a
rodent doesn't qualify.
I wasn't seducing him.
I was just breaking the ice.
This is my
sister Christine.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Natalie.
Oh.
Matthew's told me
so much about you.
I'm sorry about your breakup,
but you know what?
You can't make someone love you.
What? No, no, no,
he loved me.
I-I-I'm the one
that didn't love...
Matthew, what are
you doing
telling strangers
personal things about my life?
Especially if you're not going
to get it right.
I broke up with him.
Yeah, tell it
to the rat.
Hey, where's Ritchie?
He's with Richard.
We got our wires crossed.
I'm all alone tonight.
Alone? Uh-oh.
What? No, it's not "uh-oh."
I can be alone.
I've never been alone.
I've been with someone
since the second grade.
I would die
if I was ever alone.
Where are you going?
To the fridge.
Are you coming back?
I hope so.
So, are you going
to be okay?
Yeah, of course
I'm going to be okay.
Why? What do you think
I'm going to do?
I don't know, fall apart,
drink yourself to sleep,
make out with a
crossing guard.
Okay, first of all,
Matthew,
that was in high school.
And second of all,
Carl was not
just a crossing guard.
He was also a bartender.
Which made his DUI
all the more ironic.
Why'd he break up
with you again?
I broke up with him.
Listen, I handle these things
so much better now.
I really do.
I mean, the truth is,
I look forward to being alone.
I can't even remember the last
time I had this house to myself.
Uh-oh.
( scoffs ):
What's this "uh-oh"?
No, we didn't think
you'd be here tonight.
We were going to make dinner,
but I can do it in my room.
Just steam some vegetables
with an iron.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no,
that's okay.
You-you can make your dinner.
I'll just, uh, go out.
Where?
I don't know, anywhere.
That's what's so great
about America.
You're going to do
that all by yourself?
Yep. Just me, myself and I.
And who knows?
If myself has
a couple of drinks,
me might just get lucky.
Keep moving, Ritchie.
There's three of us.
One more, bud.
Okay, don't touch the
floor; it's dirty.
No, no, those aren't
your Milk Duds.
Your jacket's falling.
No, now move
your drink.
It's going to spill.
Keep your shoes on.
This is fun, huh?
I'm excited about this.
I love movies
with talking penguins.
But I hate it
when they sing.
It seems so fake.
I'm worried
about Christine.
She looked a little lost
when we left her.
She's fine.
She's been through worse
things than a breakup.
Look at the size
of Ritchie's head.
They let her
go through 60
hours of labor
before doing
her C-section.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Hi. Oh, hi, Peter.
Hi. Can you help me?
Mrs. Campbell!
It's so nice
to see you again.
Will Mr. Shaefer
be joining you?
Uh, no.
No, he won't.
Actually, we're...
we're not together anymore.
( gasps ):
Oh, no!
Oh, I am sorry!
I can't believe
he broke up with you.
What? Oh, no, no,
he didn't, he didn't.
I broke up with him.
Yeah. I wonder why you would
assume that he broke up with me?
Oh, I don't know,
just 'cause he's so...
and you're so...
Well, don't you worry.
I'm going
to take care of you.
You and I will make
a night of it.
Oh, well, that is
really not necessary.
Well...
No, it's not,
because, you
know, as I said,
I-I broke up with him.
Right. You did say that.
Anyway, um,
let me get you a table
where you'll
be comfortable.
Oh. I don't have
anything small,
but you have to sit
in my section.
Follow me.
Okay.
Wow.
That's a big
table, isn't it?
God, that table's so big,
it has its own area code.
You need a slingshot
just to pass the salt.
You could land an
F-14 on this baby.
That is one big table,
I'm going to tell
you that right now...
Shh...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I know; it hurts.
No. Oh, no,
no, it doesn't.
No, no, no,
those were jokes.
Jokes, jokes.
I'm just trying to
be funny, you know?
Tears of a clown.
I'll get the wine started.
Okay.
( sighs )
What to order, what to...?
Oh, uh, that looks good.
What-what is that?
Oh.
It's a rigatoni
with a lamb ragout.
Oh, lamb? Ew, gross.
I hate lamb.
( exhales deeply )
Boy, now that's
a big table, isn't it?
You know it's big
when you get back to your seat,
and your bread's a day old.
Am I right?
So, where
you folks from?
Damn it.
I know. I'm lost, too.
No, you got me thinking
about Christine,
and now I feel bad
that we left her alone.
Breakups hurt.
There's no way around it.
They were only going
out for two months.
It's still a loss.
I mean, even though
I was the one
that broke up
with my last boyfriend,
it still hurt.
It still does.
But I had to do it.
You can't just stay
with someone
because the sex
is fantastic.
That's a good story.
I'm feeling better.
Thank you.
You know what I mean.
I'm not looking
for that anymore.
I'm looking
for what we have.
Like a brother/
sister thing.
Come on, don't pout.
You know how I feel
about you.
We're incredibly lucky.
I mean, some people go
through their whole lives alone,
just rattling
around their empty houses,
talking to their pets
and complaining
about the president.
Okay, I'm going
to call Christine.
Darn it.
I know. I'm lost, too.
All the penguins look alike.
So he wound up moving
in with his mother,
and, uh, eventually,
he lost his mind...
( laughing )
What are you laughing at?
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help overhearing.
I have a mother, too,
and she drives me in-sane,
so when you said
that he moved in with her
and he lost his mind,
I can totally relate.
He said he
lost his eyes.
He's blind.
Oh. He lost his eyes?
His actual eyes?
How?
We're not talking to you.
Geez.
Didn't know
you owned the restaurant.
This one's on me.
Oh, thank you, Peter.
That's very generous.
( whimpering sigh )
What?
I just can't...
Gosh, you seemed
so good together.
Oh, well, you know,
things happen.
But he was so funny,
and handsome, and smart...
successful.
What exactly was it about him
you didn't like?
Uh, he... he was...
It was... uh...
I... I don't know.
Well... we all make mistakes.
( phone rings the tune
of "Buffalo Gals" )
Oh, sorry, my...
my kid always changes the ring,
and, uh...
I don't, uh...
It's a new phone, and I'm not
really sure where the thing...
Are you familiar
with this model?
You know where the...
off-- I mean, the on...?
But... oh, wait, oh, no, no,
I think I have it.
This is... Yeah, never mind.
I-I got it. Hello?
RICHARD:
Christine?
Oh, Burton!
Oh, hi! My gosh!
I was going to call you,
but then I thought I shouldn't.
Are you okay?
I'm so happy to hear from you.
Oh, hi, Burton.
It's Richard.
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I-I know it's Richard.
But you said "Burton."
Well, yes, because...
Richard Burton...
and, uh, Elizabeth Taylor...
in Night of the Iguana.
Geez, Richard.
What's happening with you?
Um, I'm-I'm good. I'm good.
I-I'm enjoying my night alone.
You should see this table
they gave me.
It's just so big.
How big is it?
It's so big that, uh...
yeah, I don't care.
You don't sound good.
Oh, I'm good. I, um...
Hey, um, oh, no.
Um, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Hello? Hello?
No, no, no.
No, no, I'm not
finished eating yet.
If you could just, um...
Ha-hang on
just a second, Richard.
Excuse me. Hi.
I-I know we had
a thing before,
but, um, I'm just taking
a call from my ex-husband.
Could you just watch
this table here
so they don't clear it?
No.
"No"? Did you
just say "no"?
That-that's very nice.
You're a very nice person.
I am through with you.
If you could just keep an eye
on my bag...
Hi. Hi. Richard? I'm back.
Hi. Uh, look,
I was talking to Christine,
and maybe it wasn't good
that we took Ritchie tonight.
Richard, would you please
stop talking to me
like I'm some sort
of a mental patient?
Okay, no, no!
Don't touch my bag!
Yoo-hoo!
That's my bag! That's my bag!
That's my bag!
Okay, you just stay
where you are.
I'm going to bring Ritchie
to you.
No, Richard, I don't have time
for this, all right?
I'm fine. Enjoy your movie.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
( sighs )
All right.
Who took my bag?
Don't worry, we'll
find your purse.
I'm sure the
busboy cleared it
when he took
your salad plate.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't sit
over there anymore.
You know,
all that negative energy.
I don't really need that
right now.
Of course not.
You've been through a lot.
No, no, but I really am
okay alone.
I really am.
We were only together
for two months.
I mean, two months?
That's like nothing.
Mm-hmm.
Kathy...
now that I've
found love,
I'd be a fool
to let it go.
Oh, my God!
I know it's only
been two months...
...but I never want
to be alone again.
I love you.
( squealing )
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Matthew.
Matthew!
Here. Is that enough?
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Who stole your purse?
I think it was
the lamb eaters.
They were so mean,
and they made "eyes"
sound like "mind."
Here we go.
Tears and bad Merlot.
It's your crossing guard
all over again.
Oh, shut up.
I'm sad.
Burton?
Yeah. How can
I miss him so much?
God, I've been
through a divorce.
I mean, this should
be nothing.
I guess you liked him
more than you thought.
He wrecked me.
You know, I was
perfectly fine
all by myself
for two years.
I enjoyed it.
And then Burton
comes along,
and it's like he...
defrosted me, you know?
Now I'm like this...
melty, drippy,
freezer-burned mess.
Aw, Burton turned you
into Mom's enchiladas.
How did this
happen to me?
Matthew, I am the one
who broke up with him.
Yeah, you've mentioned
that a couple of 700 times.
Then I was going
to call him,
but I can't figure out
how to work this stupid phone.
They are complicated.
You press "on."
You can't call him.
You broke up with
him for a reason.
Yeah, and what was
that reason again?
You didn't love him.
Yeah, I don't
love this, either.
I know.
Look, the first
night alone
is always the hardest,
but it's going
to get better.
Yeah, whatever.
You going to be okay?
Yeah. I'm just going
to drink my wine,
pay the bill
and go home, okay?
Don't let this
one get away.
Courage.
Yeah.
Hi.
I know I shouldn't be calling,
but, um...
Ah... that was nice.
Yeah, it was...
but, Stan, I need you
to know something.
Um... tonight
was unusual for me.
I-I was in a very
vulnerable position.
I'll say.
I thought your arm
was going to snap off.
Stan, please, please.
I just... I just want
to be clear, all right?
Tonight was... a one-time thing.
Well, technically,
uh, one and a half times,
but if you give me 15 minutes,
I can give you a solid two.
No, that's okay.
I mean, that's a very tempting
offer, but I-I...
I-I do want you to know
that I was having
a hard time tonight, and you
helped me get through it,
so I just want to say thank you.
You're welcome.
Can I tell people?
No, you may not.
Can I put it in the book?
Okay.
Where are you going?
To tell Burton I love him!
I have to tell you something,
and it's the kind of something
that should only be said
in person...
or on a giant screen
at a baseball game.
I...
...don't think
I can see you anymore.
Wow, I'm... so glad
you didn't put that
on a giant screen
at a baseball game.
Gotcha!
( screams )
Oh, sorry, honey,
don't be scared.
It's just Mommy.
Don't do that.
Okay, I won't.
Sorry. Sorry, sweetie.
How was your day? Okay?
Great.
I saw a second-grader throw up
lasagna in the bathroom.
Ah, okay. What else?
Maybe applesauce.
( sighs )
Well, this school's definitely
worth the second mortgage.
And it's my night
to take home Marvin.
The janitor?
No, the class rat.
We named him after the janitor.
Oh. Could we take home
the janitor?
I mean, the pellets are bigger,
but he cleans up after himself.
That's a good
one, right?
Yeah.
Hey, buddy.
Hi, Dad. Hey, New Christine.
Hey.
It's funny every time.
What are you guys doing here?
Picking up Ritchie.
We switched
nights, remember?
You were going to go see
some play or something.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I was going to go see
that play with Burton.
We got the tickets
when we were together,
but we're not together anymore,
so... no play.
I mean, they're probably
not going to cancel the play
just because we broke up, but...
Anyway, I-I-I'll take
Ritchie tonight,
and then you can take him
tomorrow.
I can't.
Why?
I'm going out
of town tomorrow,
and we already have movie
tickets for tonight.
Plus, I already gave you
an extra day this week
so you could take him
to that thing on ice.
I love things on ice.
No, no, no, the-the thing
on ice is next week.
This is next week.
( groans )
We missed the thing on ice.
So what am I doing?
Uh, all right,
your dad's right.
You know what?
Let's just stick to the plan:
You go with Daddy tonight,
and I'll figure out
something else to do.
Go get your backpack,
sweetie pie.
Okay.
Oh, I hate to think
of you all alone.
Why don't you come
with us?
We're going to go see
that new movie.
It's with Selma Blair...
or Salma Hayek.
Which one is married
to Michael Douglas?
Yeah, yeah, come with us.
You just broke
up with Burton.
You don't want
to be alone.
Oh, no, you guys, please.
I was alone a long time
before Burton;
I'm going to be alone
a long time after Burton.
Sad.
No, it's not sad. It's great.
I'm good alone, really.
I mean, in fact, in high school,
I was voted
"most likely to be alone,"
and it was a big school.
Really sad.
Oh, it's fine.
Okay, sweetie.
You got everything?
All right, give me kiss.
See you later, alligator.
In a while, crocodile.
Okay. Bye.
Man, that was
tough to watch.
Seeing your kid
get hauled away
by your ex and his
new, young lover.
I know what that's like.
Been there, done that,
got the tee shirt.
Hi, Stan.
No, it's not like that at all.
We just got our wires crossed,
that's all.
Oh, hello,
Mrs. Campbell.
Are you waiting for me?
Oh, no, she just had
a mix-up with her kid,
but she's okay now.
I'm taking care of her.
We had a thing.
Yes, I, uh, think
I heard something about that.
Oh, well, did you hear
she got dumped by
her rebound guy?
No, I didn't hear that.
No, no, he wasn't
my rebound guy,
and I broke up with him.
And we, uh, we didn't
have a thing...
I don't really need
an explanation.
I'm just going to clear out
and let you two talk.
Good luck to you, Mrs. Campbell.
Thank you.
Thank you, Mrs. Belt.
Please, Stan,
please don't keep telling people
about our thing.
I know breakups
are hard.
I could write
a book about it.
In fact, I did.
Just can't find a
publisher, though.
You're in it.
You come off okay.
Okay. I've got to go.
I-I-I'll-I'll see you, Stan.
Well, wait, wait.
Uh, I do want
you to know
that I appreciate what
a tough time this is,
and, you know,
if the loneliness
ever gets too much,
and you start
feeling sad,
just remember I got big
shoulders to cry on.
Well, Stan,
let me tell you something, okay?
There is absolutely nothing sad
about the evening
I have ahead of me.
Mrs. Campbell?
Yes.
Don't forget your rat.
No, no, no,
we're not together anymore.
Oh, the rat!
Marvin. Yes.
Okay, Marvin.
Well, I wish I could say
you were the first rat
I brought home
to spend the night...
but if you play
your cards right,
you might be the first rat
to make it till morning.
Hello.
God, Matthew!
Why didn't you tell me
you had company?
God, I might have done
something embarrassing.
Yeah, seducing a
rodent doesn't qualify.
I wasn't seducing him.
I was just breaking the ice.
This is my
sister Christine.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Natalie.
Oh.
Matthew's told me
so much about you.
I'm sorry about your breakup,
but you know what?
You can't make someone love you.
What? No, no, no,
he loved me.
I-I-I'm the one
that didn't love...
Matthew, what are
you doing
telling strangers
personal things about my life?
Especially if you're not going
to get it right.
I broke up with him.
Yeah, tell it
to the rat.
Hey, where's Ritchie?
He's with Richard.
We got our wires crossed.
I'm all alone tonight.
Alone? Uh-oh.
What? No, it's not "uh-oh."
I can be alone.
I've never been alone.
I've been with someone
since the second grade.
I would die
if I was ever alone.
Where are you going?
To the fridge.
Are you coming back?
I hope so.
So, are you going
to be okay?
Yeah, of course
I'm going to be okay.
Why? What do you think
I'm going to do?
I don't know, fall apart,
drink yourself to sleep,
make out with a
crossing guard.
Okay, first of all,
Matthew,
that was in high school.
And second of all,
Carl was not
just a crossing guard.
He was also a bartender.
Which made his DUI
all the more ironic.
Why'd he break up
with you again?
I broke up with him.
Listen, I handle these things
so much better now.
I really do.
I mean, the truth is,
I look forward to being alone.
I can't even remember the last
time I had this house to myself.
Uh-oh.
( scoffs ):
What's this "uh-oh"?
No, we didn't think
you'd be here tonight.
We were going to make dinner,
but I can do it in my room.
Just steam some vegetables
with an iron.
Uh, no, no, no, no, no,
that's okay.
You-you can make your dinner.
I'll just, uh, go out.
Where?
I don't know, anywhere.
That's what's so great
about America.
You're going to do
that all by yourself?
Yep. Just me, myself and I.
And who knows?
If myself has
a couple of drinks,
me might just get lucky.
Keep moving, Ritchie.
There's three of us.
One more, bud.
Okay, don't touch the
floor; it's dirty.
No, no, those aren't
your Milk Duds.
Your jacket's falling.
No, now move
your drink.
It's going to spill.
Keep your shoes on.
This is fun, huh?
I'm excited about this.
I love movies
with talking penguins.
But I hate it
when they sing.
It seems so fake.
I'm worried
about Christine.
She looked a little lost
when we left her.
She's fine.
She's been through worse
things than a breakup.
Look at the size
of Ritchie's head.
They let her
go through 60
hours of labor
before doing
her C-section.
Oh, um, excuse me.
Hi. Oh, hi, Peter.
Hi. Can you help me?
Mrs. Campbell!
It's so nice
to see you again.
Will Mr. Shaefer
be joining you?
Uh, no.
No, he won't.
Actually, we're...
we're not together anymore.
( gasps ):
Oh, no!
Oh, I am sorry!
I can't believe
he broke up with you.
What? Oh, no, no,
he didn't, he didn't.
I broke up with him.
Yeah. I wonder why you would
assume that he broke up with me?
Oh, I don't know,
just 'cause he's so...
and you're so...
Well, don't you worry.
I'm going
to take care of you.
You and I will make
a night of it.
Oh, well, that is
really not necessary.
Well...
No, it's not,
because, you
know, as I said,
I-I broke up with him.
Right. You did say that.
Anyway, um,
let me get you a table
where you'll
be comfortable.
Oh. I don't have
anything small,
but you have to sit
in my section.
Follow me.
Okay.
Wow.
That's a big
table, isn't it?
God, that table's so big,
it has its own area code.
You need a slingshot
just to pass the salt.
You could land an
F-14 on this baby.
That is one big table,
I'm going to tell
you that right now...
Shh...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
I know; it hurts.
No. Oh, no,
no, it doesn't.
No, no, no,
those were jokes.
Jokes, jokes.
I'm just trying to
be funny, you know?
Tears of a clown.
I'll get the wine started.
Okay.
( sighs )
What to order, what to...?
Oh, uh, that looks good.
What-what is that?
Oh.
It's a rigatoni
with a lamb ragout.
Oh, lamb? Ew, gross.
I hate lamb.
( exhales deeply )
Boy, now that's
a big table, isn't it?
You know it's big
when you get back to your seat,
and your bread's a day old.
Am I right?
So, where
you folks from?
Damn it.
I know. I'm lost, too.
No, you got me thinking
about Christine,
and now I feel bad
that we left her alone.
Breakups hurt.
There's no way around it.
They were only going
out for two months.
It's still a loss.
I mean, even though
I was the one
that broke up
with my last boyfriend,
it still hurt.
It still does.
But I had to do it.
You can't just stay
with someone
because the sex
is fantastic.
That's a good story.
I'm feeling better.
Thank you.
You know what I mean.
I'm not looking
for that anymore.
I'm looking
for what we have.
Like a brother/
sister thing.
Come on, don't pout.
You know how I feel
about you.
We're incredibly lucky.
I mean, some people go
through their whole lives alone,
just rattling
around their empty houses,
talking to their pets
and complaining
about the president.
Okay, I'm going
to call Christine.
Darn it.
I know. I'm lost, too.
All the penguins look alike.
So he wound up moving
in with his mother,
and, uh, eventually,
he lost his mind...
( laughing )
What are you laughing at?
I'm sorry.
I couldn't help overhearing.
I have a mother, too,
and she drives me in-sane,
so when you said
that he moved in with her
and he lost his mind,
I can totally relate.
He said he
lost his eyes.
He's blind.
Oh. He lost his eyes?
His actual eyes?
How?
We're not talking to you.
Geez.
Didn't know
you owned the restaurant.
This one's on me.
Oh, thank you, Peter.
That's very generous.
( whimpering sigh )
What?
I just can't...
Gosh, you seemed
so good together.
Oh, well, you know,
things happen.
But he was so funny,
and handsome, and smart...
successful.
What exactly was it about him
you didn't like?
Uh, he... he was...
It was... uh...
I... I don't know.
Well... we all make mistakes.
( phone rings the tune
of "Buffalo Gals" )
Oh, sorry, my...
my kid always changes the ring,
and, uh...
I don't, uh...
It's a new phone, and I'm not
really sure where the thing...
Are you familiar
with this model?
You know where the...
off-- I mean, the on...?
But... oh, wait, oh, no, no,
I think I have it.
This is... Yeah, never mind.
I-I got it. Hello?
RICHARD:
Christine?
Oh, Burton!
Oh, hi! My gosh!
I was going to call you,
but then I thought I shouldn't.
Are you okay?
I'm so happy to hear from you.
Oh, hi, Burton.
It's Richard.
Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah.
I-I know it's Richard.
But you said "Burton."
Well, yes, because...
Richard Burton...
and, uh, Elizabeth Taylor...
in Night of the Iguana.
Geez, Richard.
What's happening with you?
Um, I'm-I'm good. I'm good.
I-I'm enjoying my night alone.
You should see this table
they gave me.
It's just so big.
How big is it?
It's so big that, uh...
yeah, I don't care.
You don't sound good.
Oh, I'm good. I, um...
Hey, um, oh, no.
Um, I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Hello? Hello?
No, no, no.
No, no, I'm not
finished eating yet.
If you could just, um...
Ha-hang on
just a second, Richard.
Excuse me. Hi.
I-I know we had
a thing before,
but, um, I'm just taking
a call from my ex-husband.
Could you just watch
this table here
so they don't clear it?
No.
"No"? Did you
just say "no"?
That-that's very nice.
You're a very nice person.
I am through with you.
If you could just keep an eye
on my bag...
Hi. Hi. Richard? I'm back.
Hi. Uh, look,
I was talking to Christine,
and maybe it wasn't good
that we took Ritchie tonight.
Richard, would you please
stop talking to me
like I'm some sort
of a mental patient?
Okay, no, no!
Don't touch my bag!
Yoo-hoo!
That's my bag! That's my bag!
That's my bag!
Okay, you just stay
where you are.
I'm going to bring Ritchie
to you.
No, Richard, I don't have time
for this, all right?
I'm fine. Enjoy your movie.
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
( sighs )
All right.
Who took my bag?
Don't worry, we'll
find your purse.
I'm sure the
busboy cleared it
when he took
your salad plate.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't sit
over there anymore.
You know,
all that negative energy.
I don't really need that
right now.
Of course not.
You've been through a lot.
No, no, but I really am
okay alone.
I really am.
We were only together
for two months.
I mean, two months?
That's like nothing.
Mm-hmm.
Kathy...
now that I've
found love,
I'd be a fool
to let it go.
Oh, my God!
I know it's only
been two months...
...but I never want
to be alone again.
I love you.
( squealing )
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Matthew.
Matthew!
Here. Is that enough?
Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Who stole your purse?
I think it was
the lamb eaters.
They were so mean,
and they made "eyes"
sound like "mind."
Here we go.
Tears and bad Merlot.
It's your crossing guard
all over again.
Oh, shut up.
I'm sad.
Burton?
Yeah. How can
I miss him so much?
God, I've been
through a divorce.
I mean, this should
be nothing.
I guess you liked him
more than you thought.
He wrecked me.
You know, I was
perfectly fine
all by myself
for two years.
I enjoyed it.
And then Burton
comes along,
and it's like he...
defrosted me, you know?
Now I'm like this...
melty, drippy,
freezer-burned mess.
Aw, Burton turned you
into Mom's enchiladas.
How did this
happen to me?
Matthew, I am the one
who broke up with him.
Yeah, you've mentioned
that a couple of 700 times.
Then I was going
to call him,
but I can't figure out
how to work this stupid phone.
They are complicated.
You press "on."
You can't call him.
You broke up with
him for a reason.
Yeah, and what was
that reason again?
You didn't love him.
Yeah, I don't
love this, either.
I know.
Look, the first
night alone
is always the hardest,
but it's going
to get better.
Yeah, whatever.
You going to be okay?
Yeah. I'm just going
to drink my wine,
pay the bill
and go home, okay?
Don't let this
one get away.
Courage.
Yeah.
Hi.
I know I shouldn't be calling,
but, um...
Ah... that was nice.
Yeah, it was...
but, Stan, I need you
to know something.
Um... tonight
was unusual for me.
I-I was in a very
vulnerable position.
I'll say.
I thought your arm
was going to snap off.
Stan, please, please.
I just... I just want
to be clear, all right?
Tonight was... a one-time thing.
Well, technically,
uh, one and a half times,
but if you give me 15 minutes,
I can give you a solid two.
No, that's okay.
I mean, that's a very tempting
offer, but I-I...
I-I do want you to know
that I was having
a hard time tonight, and you
helped me get through it,
so I just want to say thank you.
You're welcome.
Can I tell people?
No, you may not.
Can I put it in the book?
Okay.