The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Other F Word - full transcript

"And every day,
Ruby Bridges

"packed up her books
and set off for school.

"She walked past the angry
white crowd

"with a smile on her face.

"She just
kept on walking,

"because all Ruby
wanted to do...

( voice breaking )

was learn."

And that's the story
of Ruby Bridges,

the first African-American girl
to integrate our public schools.

That was wonderful.



Such an inspiration.

Such a brave young woman.

Thank you, Mrs. Belt, though
I wouldn't call myself brave.

I'm just here reading
to the kids.

I meant Ruby Bridges.

Oh, right, yes, yes, of course.

Yes, she was brave, yeah.

They wrote a book about her.

Thank you, Mrs. Campbell,
for being our parent reader.

Does anyone have any questions
or comments for Mrs. Campbell

about our story Ruby Bridges?

Yes, Ashley.

I used to have
a dog named Ruby,

but we couldn't keep her
'cause we got a white sofa.



Well, I'm sure Ruby's really
happy living on a farm somewhere

with people who love her.

No, she got put to sleep.

Yeah, Kelsey.

My mom says that my cat
Jingles in on a farm,

but my brother says
she got put to sleep, too.

Mom... when you said

our turtle
went to live on a farm,

did you mean put to sleep?

No, no, no,
Ritchie. No.

Ernie lives
on a turtle farm

with our goldfish.

And, uh...
and Great Grandma.

Maybe wrap it up, Mrs. Campbell.

Oh, yes, yes.

Well, I just want
to thank all of you

and Mrs. Belt for letting me
come here today

to read this
important book.

Because you know, if it wasn't
for the courage of Ruby Bridges,

we wouldn't have the diversity

that we have
in our school today.

Man, you kids are white.

Hey, Christine.

Huh, looks like the village
is missing one of its people.

You know, I've been
a contractor for 15 years

and you've never
not said that joke

when I come in
dressed like this.

( laughing ):
That's how funny it is.

What are you doing here?

I was working on a house
around the block.

Thought I'd come
say hi to Ritchie.
Where is he?

He's not here.
He's at football practice.

Barb is picking him up for me.

Football? Thought he was
playing basketball.

No, he doesn't
know the difference.

He just likes
those orange slices.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for a black kid
in the school brochure.

Wow, that's a really offensive
"Where's Waldo."

No, it's not a joke, Richard.

You know, there is not
one kid of color

in Ritchie's grade.

I think his school is racist.

Here we go.

Here we go? What is that
supposed to mean?

It means here we go,
you're going to have

one of your racist
conspiracy theories.

I don't have racist
conspiracy theories.

Really?

Let's recall some of the things
you believe are racist:

the news, the people who name
the hurricanes,

the winter Olympics.

Maybe you're the racist.

What?
I'm not a racist.

I drive a Prius,
for God sakes.

I not sure you understand
what the word "racist" means.

I know what it means,

and I know that his school
has a problem.

The closest thing they have
to diversity

is that Indian kid.

They only bring him in
once a year

to win the spelling bee.

We got to do
something about this.

You? You're going
to do something?

Yeah, I do stuff.

I do all sorts
of civil rights stuff.

Just because you said
you'd marry Chris Rock,

that doesn't make you
a civil rights activist.

God, I'd marry Chris Rock
in a second.

You know, ever since
Ritchie started that school,

all you've done is complain.

Not enough economic diversity,
not enough ethnic diversity,

not enough parking.

Hey, I believe
in that stuff, okay?

Very strongly.

You didn't even vote.

'Cause I couldn't find parking.

But I did something
more important.

I wore one of those little
stickers that said, "I voted,"

which shamed other people
into going to the polls,

which generated more votes than
if I'd actually voted myself,

and that, my friend,
is democracy.

That, my friend, is lazy.

Hello.

Oh, hey, there they are.

Thanks for picking him up.

No problem.

Hey, where's the cop
and the Indian chief?

( laughing )

Why do you laugh at her?

She's funny.

So how was practice,
buddy?

He was great.

He scored
two touchdowns.
Yeah.

Any for his team?

Not this week.

And the coach let me pass out
the orange slices.

I smell scholarship.

All right, sweetie,
why don't you go wash up, okay?

Uh, but listen,
before you go,

I want to talk to you about
what happened at school today.

I didn't know
it was the girls' bathroom.

It was a dare.

What?

Nothing.

No, no, sweetie,
I'm talking about
the book that I read.

Um, you know how
important it is to Mommy

that you're exposed
to all different people,

races, colors
and creeds, right?

Mm-hmm.
What are creeds?

Um... uh, a-accents.

But, uh,
the point is

that it's important
to Mommy

that you're in a racially
diverse environment.

Yeah, so important

that you sent him
to the White Bread School.

The Westbridge School, Barb,
and I had a good reason.

What was the reason?

Because.

Oh, that's right.

Because.

Because why,
Christine?

Yeah, why, Mom?

Because...
uh, because of...

because "Westbridge offers a
unique educational experience

"located on
16 park-like acres

overlooking
the Pacific Ocean."

And that's more important

than going to school
with black kids?

Oh, they're separate issues,
but they're equally important.

So, "separate
but equal"?

Yes. No. I don't know.

Ritchie, we'll talk
about this later, okay?

Go put your uniform
back in your costume trunk.

Okay.

Well, I think we've all
really learned something today.

Look, White Bread
is a great school.

Westbridge.

Oh, Westbridge, Westbridge.

I mean, they've got an
award-winning science program,

they've got
a 12-to-1 student-teacher ratio,

and, like, a thousand percent
of their graduates

go on to Ivy League colleges.

I mean, obviously,
I don't want Ritchie growing up

in an elitist bubble,
but it's a great school.

So then you made your choice.

No, I'm going to do something
about this.

Chris Rock is already married.

Well, then I'm going
to do something else.

So why are you so dressed up.

Well, remember
our conversation yesterday?

Well, I'm going to go
talk to the head of the school

and see about getting
a little diversity in here.

There's black people.

Yes, sweetie,
there's black people,

and there's brown people.

There are
all sorts of people,

and they should all be
represented here at this school.

No, no, no, there's
black people over there.

Oh, super.

Oh, um, honey, bye.

Have a good day at school.

Stay out
of the girls' bathroom.
It was a dare.

Just stay out, Ritchie.

Um, hi.

Can I help you find something?

Oh, we're supposed
to be here for a tour.

Our daughter's applying
for third grade.

Oh, you're here on a tour.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Well, welcome to Westbridge,

located on 16
park-like acres,

overlooking the Pacific
Ocean and Japan.

I don't think that's Japan.

Are you sure?

You didn't go here, did you?

Me? Oh, no, no.

God, it is amazing
that you're here,

because I was just
talking about you.

Us?

Well, not you specifically.

But you... generally.

You know, us.

You know, people like us.

People like us how?

You know, uh, third graders.

I-I'm Christine Campbell. Hi.

My son Ritchie is in
the third grade here, too.

Oh, well, we're
the Lawrences.

I'm Anita,
this is my husband Nate,

and this is our daughter Sarah.

Oh, hi.

Gosh, it's so nice to meet you.

Listen, do you have a sponsor
yet to help you get in?

Because sometimes it helps
to have a Westbridge family

put in a good word for you.

We don't know anyone.

Oh, I'd love to sponsor you.

Really? Why?

I'll tell you why.

Because.

( knocking )

Oh, look who's here
during work hours.

Hello, Christine.

Hi.

Um, actually I was looking
for Mr. Parker.

I have a prospective family

that I wanted
to talk to him about.

Well, Mr. Parker's
on leave of absence

till the end
of the month.

He's at an
"educational
conference."

Yeah, but you
can talk to us.

We' re the parent volunteers
on the admissions board.

We give Mr. Parker
our recommendations.

In fact, Mr. Parker's going

to the same
"educational conference"

that Marly went to.

What's happening
with you?

I don't know.

Well, I guess
I'll talk to you, then.

Um...

I don't know if you've noticed,

but there's a lot of blondness
to the people at this school.

Yeah, and not all
of it's natural.

( chuckles )

Seriously,
what's happening?

I'm sorry,
I really don't know.

Um... anyway,

I think that by having
such a homogenous student body

we're robbing our kids
of the benefits

of living in a diverse society.

I mean, this is
Los Angeles, after all,

and I think we could do a better
job of representing

what's on the outside
of this school

with what's on the inside,

and so, when picking
new families for Westbridge,

I think we should consider
a wider variety of factors

and, with that in mind, I'd like
to sponsor the Lawrence family.

Okay, well, what can you tell
us about the Lawrence family?

They're black.

Ugh. This homework
is so frustrating.

I need to clear my mind
with a video game.

I'm sure it's not
that hard.

Come on. I'll help.

Okay. This one.

Let's see.

"If Bill is taller than Ted,
and Ted is smaller than Mary,

which of the following
is definitely true?"

Obviously, Bill
is taller than Mary.

What?

Can I go play a video game?

Yeah, yeah. Go.

Bill... Ted.

Mary.

Come on.

Problem.

Solution.

I said I'd take action,
and I did.

Today I sponsored
an African-American family

at Ritchie's school.

Way to go, Rosa.

God, it feels so good
to do something for a change.

I'm really proud
of you, Christine.

Yeah, me, too.

And my black family
was so appreciative,

they invited me over for dinner.

Your black family?

Yeah. I can say that.
I sponsored them.

And they'd love to meet you,
too, if you want to come.

I can't. I told Ritchie I'd stay
and hang out with him tonight.

Oh, that's okay.

I'll ask Matthew. Racist.

Hey, I really insist you learn
the meaning of that word.

I know, why don't you ask your
black family what it means?

So, Matthew,
what do you do?

Oh, I'm a stay-
at-home bachelor.

What? No.

He's not. He's my nanny
while he figures out

what he wants to do
with his life.

MATTHEW:
What are you

talking about? It
took me six years

to figure out
I wanted to be

a stay-at-home
bachelor-- I am done.

( laughing )

So the admissions board
called and said

you made quite an impassioned
plea for us at the school.

Yes, looks like
we're going to get in

and we really
wanted to thank you.

Oh, you don't have to thank me.
I'm not a hero.

I'm just a regular person who
happens to do heroic things.

( laughing )

What? I am. Shut up.

No, she's a model citizen.

She would have even
voted last year

if it hadn't been
mildly inconvenient.

No, no, no, he's
kidding. He's kidding.

I'm actually very
politically active.

She did make over
200 phone calls

inthe American Idol
final last year.

That's true.

Uh, excuse me. Which
way's your restroom?

Down the hall to the left.

You know, I've
got to tell you.

I loved what I saw
at Westbridge today.

We're really excited,
I think

we're going
to be very happy there.

Oh, yeah, I think
you will be, too.

It's a first-rate education.

I mean, the science lab alone
is worth the tuition.

What are the families like?

Oh, they're great families,
very involved.

Well, would you describe them
as having good values?

Good values? Oh, definitely,
great values.

I mean, just like us.

MR. LAWRENCE:
Good.

'Cause our last school

had way too many fags.

Amen.

I'll clear the dishes.

Let me help.

Excuse me.

I looked through
their medicine cabinets.

Nothing interesting.

Big flossers though.

I'm getting
out of here.

What's going on?

Nate just said the "F" word.

So? You say that word
all the time.

You said it three times in
the car on the way over here.

No. The other "F" word.

The gay one.

Fancy? Frilly?
Flight attendant? What?

I-I'm not going to say it.

It's too offensive. Here.

I'll write it down.

No way.
Yes.

I am serious.

He said the reason
they left their last school

is 'cause there are too many
of these there.

What school, Oakcrest?

I don't know. Probably.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

We're getting out of here.

No, hold on,
you must've misheard him.

Maybe he said there were
too many flags.

What? What are you
talking about?

How can there be too many flags?

Well, have you ever tried
to have a conversation

in front of the U.N.
on a windy day?

You can't hear yourself think.

They're nice people.

There's no way
he'd say that.

Yeah, I-I guess you're right.

I mean, educated people

don't blurt these things out
at the dinner table.

Right. You must've misheard him.

Yeah. I must've
misheard him.

Okay, here we go.

My semi-famous meatless lasagna.
Ooh.

I probably
should've warned you,

we're vegetarians.

We don't anything with a face.

Well, I'm almost there.

I don't eat anything
with a mustache.

( laughs )

So, Nate, what is it
that you do?

I work for a defense contractor.

Oh.

I was in the military,

but things have gotten
so off track,

I took an early retirement.

Yeah. I don't blame you.

It all went to hell once they
started letting in the fags.

Amen.

Well, because I'm concerned.

My son uses your company's
textbook in his class

and it's important
that it's correct.

Yeah, yeah, I-I...

How the hell can Mary
be taller than Bill?

Is she standing
on Ted's shoulders?

Me? Two years
of community college.

Why does that matter?

Hello...

Hello?

Hey, how'd it go?

Horrible.

Nate Lawrence
used the "F" word twice.

So? You used that word twice
before breakfast.

You should've heard her
in the car.

The ride home was sponsored
by the letter "F."

So you're upset
because the guy cursed?

No, it' wasn't
just a curse, Richard.

It was the other "F" word,
the gay one.

Fabulous? Flamboyant? France?

Wow, that one.

He said the reason
they left their last school

was 'cause there were too many
of these there.

Oakcrest?
We think so.

They do have
a great theater program.

I know. I saw
their production of
Pippin last year.

It was to die for.

Oh, I heard
it was great.

Guys. Guys, can we just focus.

The whole reason
that I sponsored the Lawrences

was so that Ritchie could be
in a more tolerate environment.

All right, they're homophobes.

I don't want him around that.

So you're going to try
to kick out

the only black family
in Ritchie's class?

I just wish the Lawrences
were more like us.

Ah, so you want to be able
to handpick your tokens.

Don't put it like that.

That's completely offensive.

You know what?

I'm going to call Barb
and see if she

knows any good
black people.

You want me to what?

I just need you to help me find

some good black people
for Ritchie's school.

Why?

What are they going
to do with them?

Nothing. Just to have their kids
go to school there.

I sponsored this one family

but then they turned out
to be homophobic.

I want different ones.

Well, did you keep the receipt?

Christine, that's racist.

What? That's not racist.

How can I be racist?

I drive a Prius.

Oh, oh, yes, that's right.

I forgot how much racists
hate good gas mileage.

You know what I mean.

I want Ritchie exposed
to good values.

It would be so perfect
if you and Pete had kids.

Damn Pete and his low
sperm motility.

Yeah, Pete and I
are always talking

about how hard
that must be on you.

Poor Christine.

Shut up.

Listen to me, I just want to do
the right thing for my kid.

And you did,
you introduced some color

into that lily-white school
and that's progress.

Look, you can deal with the gay
thing on your next crusade.

It's true.

I do love gay causes.

I used to drive a Miata,
for God's sake.

It's hard this year.

There's so many
qualified applicants.

I know,
but it's important

so we really have
to focus.
Okay.

Okay.

Where did you get
those shoes?

I've had them.

Sweater?
It's new.

Want to go shopping?
God, yes.

Oh, hi, ladies. Hi.

Sorry to bother you again,
but I wanted

to talk to you
about a prospective family.

It's okay, Christine,
the Lawrences got in.

You don't have
to burn your bra.

Uh, not it's not the Lawrences.

Although I'm very glad
they got in.

I think the kids are really
going to benefit.

Um, actually,
I have another couple

that I wanted
to introduce you to.

Uh, guys, come, come.

Um, this is Frank
and Allan.

They're transferring
out of Oakcrest.

Yeah, it's a great school
but too many Jews.

Oh, damn it.

( bell ringing )

I'll tell you what.
It's exhausting being
a do-gooder.

What good
did you do exactly?

What good did I do?

I single-handedly...

introduced hate
to this school.

See, this is why
I don't vote.

Oh, come on, don't be
so hard on yourself.

This is
a beautiful school.

If I had a kid,
I would send them here.

Yeah, I know.

But I mean, we didn't go
to a big fancy school,

we did okay, right?

Yeah.

But what a view.
Mm.

It's so clear today.
Yeah.

Hey, it that Japan?

No. That's not Japan.

It's too far.

Hawaii?
Yeah, probably.