The New Adventures of Old Christine (2006–2010): Season 1, Episode 5 - I'll Show You Mine - full transcript

Mm...

Oh, I love kissing.

And you know what else?

I think I'm a really
great kisser.

So, um... you want
to take this inside?

Why? I think we're
doing great out here.

Plus, I like making out
standing up

'cause I don't get
a roll over my pants.

Christine, I can't
do this again.
What?

We've been dating
for two months

and I've only made it
as far as your porch.



Now, is there a problem

or are you just
a porch tease?

I told you what
the problem is.

My kid is in there.

I've never introduced him
to anyone I've dated.

I mean, that is
a really big step for me.

I get that.
I understand that.

Look, I'm a dad. I know
what a big deal it is.

I let you inside
my house.

But, Burton,
your kid wasn't there.

I can't just parade
random guys

through my
eight-year-old's life.

I mean, not that
there's been enough guys

to constitute a parade.



More like a circus,
but with more clowns.

So, uh, when do you think
you might be ready?

Soon.

Yep. Before you know it.
Yeah, yeah.

Like, right around
the corner.
Yeah, okay.

All right, I got it.

Well, good night.

Well, good night.

I'm getting inside!

No! No!

Stop!

( laughing )

Oh, come on, it hasn't
been that bad, has it?

I mean, didn't doing it
in your car last week

make you feel like
a teenager?

Yeah, until I got home
and had to ice...

everything.

No kidding.

I got a bruise
from knee to nipple.

This is about taking
our relationship

to the next level.

But I can't.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Burton.
Not yet.

Okay.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Thank you.

You're a wonderful man.

You deserve
a fantastic kisser like me.

Go away.

That's all you're getting
tonight.

We're closed.

But we open tomorrow at 9:00.

Get here early

before all the good stuff
is picked over.

( kissing )

Hi.

Who's she?

That's
my sister.

She used to be
married to him.

Now he goes out
with her.

And she's an awkward dater.

Want to throw some egg rolls
out on the lawn for Burton?

Who's Burton?
That's the guy
she's been seeing.

She doesn't want to
introduce him to Ritchie.
Who's Ritchie?

Oh, I'm sorry, he's my son.

Who are you?

This is my girlfriend,
Michelle.

Oh, girlfriend?

Wow.
When did that happen?

About noon.

So you're still not

letting Burton
in the house?

I can't.
It's not good for Ritchie.

Is that it?

Or are you just using
Ritchie as a human shield

to keep your relationship
from moving forward?

Oh.

Uh, Matthew, I am not
really comfortable

discussing my personal life
in mixed company.

Christine...

you can't leave Burton
out there forever.

You don't want to be
a porch tease.

Wait a minute, is
that really a thing?

No, we were listening.

Oh, God!

Oh, my God.

I thought you liked him.

And if you keep him out
on the porch much longer,

you're going to lose him.

No, I'm not.

Burton's totally
fine with it.

He wants me
to take my time.

No, he doesn't.

Guys need to know
they're moving towards a goal.

They need to know
when they're winning.

It's why we like sports.

And war.

Well, he's not going
to break up with me

just because I'm not ready
to move forward. Is he?

Men don't like stop signs.

They like green lights.

And war.

You know,
Richard was nervous

about introducing me
to Ritchie,

but at some point you just
have to take the leap

and know that he's
going to be okay.

He's a great kid.

You're a great mom.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, like, now Ritchie and I
get along great.

We laugh at each other's jokes,

we have these really cute
nicknames for each other...

Yeah, I said thank you.

Mom?

Oh, hi, sweetie.

You're up.

How was your night?

It was good.

I saw a dead mouse.

Sorry I missed that.

You didn't.

I kept it.

Oh.

Even better.

Listen, sweetie,

I want to talk to you
about something, okay?

You know how you have
a best friend at school?

Austin?
Mm-hmm.

Well, Mommy has
a best friend, too.

And his name is Burton

Does he pick his nose?

I hope not.

Does he teach you dirty words?

A couple.

But he's a very nice man.

And I would like
for you to meet him.

But only if you would
like to meet him.

Would you like
to meet him?

No.

Well, he would like
to meet you.

And I would like
for you to meet him.

So what do you think?

No, thanks.
Well, you're going
to meet him.

And if you don't like him,

you don't have
to see him again.

Okay.
Okay.
All right.

Well, go to sleep
now, sweetie.

It's late. Okay?

We can talk about this more
in the morning if you want to.

I don't want to.
We'll talk about it
more in the morning.

I love you, darling.
Night.
Night.

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

Cleaning.

Why?

Is Mom coming?

Tell her I'm not here.
I'm studying for the bar.

Oh, no, what did
we tell her last time?

Law school?
Med school? What?!

Matthew, pull yourself together.

Mom is not coming.

I'm tidying up so Burton
doesn't think I'm a slob.

Oh, God.

Why am I bothering
to do this?

I'm not going to pretend to be
somebody I'm not.

He can either take me
the way I am,

or not at all.

Wow, you will really
go to any length

to justify not cleaning.

I know, right?

( doorbell rings )

Oh, God.

Okay, uh... yeah.

Just a second.

Ritchie...!

Ooh, look at you.

You look adorable.

Honey, don't scratch.

Burton's going to think
you have fleas.

( doorbell rings )

Coming! Honey,
you're not nervous

are you, about meeting
Mommy's new friend?

What friend?

I thought Grandma was coming.

Wait! Is she
or is she not coming?!

Would everybody
please relax?

This is supposed
to be fun.

Aren't you having fun?
I'm having fun.

Hi.

Wow, you look great.

Are you ready?
I'm ready.

How was your day?

Uh, not so good.
My mom actually got

into a little bit
of a car accident.

Okay, let's go.

Ritchie,
I'd like you to meet

my friend, Burton.

Are you my new dad?

Wow, that must've been
a tough delivery.

No, that's my idiot
brother, Matthew.

Idiot!

Where is Ritchie?
Bathroom.

Okay, out, out, out, out.

I don't know why
I was in such a hurry

to get in the house,
it wasn't that great.

Yeah, I probably
should've cleaned it,

but Matthew talked me
out of it.

Hey, what were you saying
about your mother?

Oh, yeah,
she got in an accident.

She's fine,
but the other driver...

Oh, okay, he's back.
Come on.

Ritchie,
this is my friend

Burton.

Hi, Ritchie.

Hi.

My pants itch.

Can I go change?

Yes.

Of course.

Oh, my God.

That went great!

That was so much better
than I expected.

What exactly
did you expect?

Oh, you know, tears, tantrums.

Maybe somebody yelling,

"You can't tell me what to do,
you're not my father."

Plus I had no idea how Ritchie
was going to react.

So can I go now?
My pants itch, too.

Yes, you're excused.

You were a big help.
I'll tell Mom.

I'd really appreciate that.

Nice to finally
meet you, Matthew.

Oh, no, the pleasure
is all mine.

Really, I can't
thank you enough

for taking the old gal
off my hands.

So...

You're in.

How does it feel?

The way you were guarding it,

I kind of thought
it'd be a lot fancier.

Maybe some gold columns
and white tigers.

( chuckles )

But it's nice.

This is big.

I really feel like
we've crossed over
into new territory.

I was so nervous about it,

but now that it's done,

I really feel like
it was the right move.

Me, too.

So, speaking of big steps,

when do I get to meet
your kid?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
one of these days.

You know,
when the time is right.

Unbelievable!

Unbelievable!

What?

I showed him mine.

Now he won't show me his.

I hope to God you're
talking about your boobs.

No, my kid.

I introduce Burton to Ritchie,

and then when I mention
meeting his kid,

he says,
"When the time is right."

What the hell is that
supposed to mean?

I guess he's not ready.

But this was supposed to be

a milestone
in our relationship.

I mean, I was
under the impression

that the feeling was mutual.

He was practically begging me
to get inside my house.

I hope to God you're
talking about your...

Oh, shut up.

This is so embarrassing.

I mean, it's like
I said, "I love you"

and he said, "Thank you."

Well, it's better
than "I bet you do."

I mean, he was acting
as if he was ready

to move to the next step,

and now, he thinks
I'm moving too fast?

I mean...

What is wrong with men?

They make everything
too complicated.

Well, talk to him.

No. 'Cause then he'll think

that I need him to tell me
how much he likes me

and I want him to tell me
how much he likes me

without him knowing
that I need him to tell me that.

Yeah, men are complicated.

Yeah. You know what?

I'm just going to talk to him.

I'm gonna see what
he's thinking. I'm so confused.

Probably would have been easier

if you just
showed him your boobs.

Yeah, no kidding.

I always forget
I have these things.

( doorbell ringing )

Hey, stranger.

Yeah. Uh... Hey.

Um...

I'm a little bit confused
about what just happened.

I really thought that
we are on the same page

about our relationship,
and where it was going,

but, uh, clearly I was wrong.

What do you mean?

Do you want to come inside?

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't want to move things
forward too quickly.

I should probably
stay out here on the porch

and come in
when the time is right.

You know, "one of these days."

Christine, I don't know
what you're talking about.

Why are you hiding
your kid from me?!

What?

Yeah, I showed
you my kid.

Now you won't
show me yours?

I mean, are you not serious
about this relationship, Burton?

Because if you're not,
we can end it right now.

Stevie is in Montana
with his mother.

He won't be back
for another six weeks.

I thought you could meet then.

Oh.

So when you said, "When the time
is right" you meant...

When he's in the same state.

Oh. Yes. Yes.

Well... that's
what I thought.

I just wanted to storm
over here and make sure.

Christine... come on!

Come on. I don't want
to hide Stevie from you.

I don't want to hide
anything from you.

Of course I want
you to meet him.

Really?

Of course, baby.

I love you.

I bet you do.

Oh. Good, you're all here.

Sorry, we stopped by
to say hi, but...

then we ordered a movie
on Pay-Per-View.

My God, that woman is naked.

Yeah, there's a lot
of nudity in this.

That's why we
ordered it here.

We didn't want Richard's cable
company to think we're pervs.

You want to watch with us?

Oh, no, thanks, Michelle.

Not Michelle.

You know, for a guy
who does nothing all day,

you do all right.

So I heard you introduced
Ritchie to Burton today.

How'd that go?
Good.

He said he loved me.

ALL:
Aww...

I said, "I bet you do."

( all gasp )

I know.

I'm a horrible person.

So...

"I bet you do."

Brutal.

I know.

I wasn't expecting it.

I thought you liked him.

I do.

But, you
don't love him?

I don't know.

How am I supposed to know?

Do I love him?

Should I love him?

Do you love him?

Christine, it shouldn't
be this hard.

I told you I loved you
on our first date

and you said it back to me.

We were 22.

I'd just seen Ghost.

I would have told the
movie usher I loved him.

Good to know
our marriage was built

on such a rock-solid foundation.

Oh, come on. It
worked out okay

except for the divorce.

Maybe you're just afraid

and you're keeping
yourself from loving him.

Am I doing that?

Should I be doing that?

Do you ever do that?

Have you eaten today?

I don't know.

I mean, of course I'm afraid.

I'm so scared, you know.

What if I fall
in love with Burton

and then ten years down the road
the whole thing falls apart?

If you don't try,
you'll never know.

Do you like the guy?

Very much.

Is he nice to you?

So nice.

But not so nice it makes
me not like him anymore.

What did your parents do to you?

You know. You spent
Christmas with them.

Yeah, yeah.

God, you know...

Burton and I have
a great time together.

You know, he's nice, he's funny,
he's smart, he's handsome

and what's not to love?

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I'm just scared.

I do love him.

Then tell him.

I will.

Where you going?

To tell Burton I love him.

( doorbell rings )

We have got to get
you a telephone.

I know.

But, I have
to tell you something

and it's the kind of something

that should only
be said in person,

or on a giant screen
at a baseball game.

I can hardly wait.

Oh... Burton,

I'm so sorry
I freaked out before.

I, I... When you said
"I love you,"

I didn't mean to say,
"I bet you do."

I don't know why that
came out of my mouth.

What I really meant
to say was, I...

don't think I can
see you anymore.

Wow.

I'm so glad
you didn't put that

on a giant screen
at a baseball game.

I, uh, I thought you were
going to say, "I love you."

Oh, my God.

So did I.

Tha-Tha-That's what I came
over here to say.

I meant to say that...

but I can't.

I guess I don't love you.

Yeah, I'm getting that.

You know, it was implied
with the "I bet you do,"

and then you, uh,
you really drove it home

with the, "I don't want
to see you anymore."

I guess that was why I was
keeping you out on the porch.

I said it was for Ritchie,
but it wasn't.

It was for me.

So...

What are we doing?

I don't know.

Why don't we go back
to the way it was before?

On the porch.
I love the porch.

We can't go

back to the porch.
We moved past the porch.

But it was so good on the porch.

I can't go back to the porch,

and I can't say "porch" anymore.

Christine, I'm done with dating.

I want to settle down.

Be with one person.

And I was hoping it was you.

Burton, I really
would do anything

not to hurt
your feelings, I just...

I-I get it. I get it.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't
sad, but, I understand.

You're the most incredible woman
I've ever been with

and, um... when you are ready,

that person's going to be
the luckiest man alive.

Bye, Christine.

Do I love him?

You know how we're talking about
friendship the other night?

Yeah.

Okay. Well, the thing
about friendship is,

sometimes you're friends
with people forever,

and sometimes they
come into your life

and they make you feel
good about yourself

and they teach you
a few new words,

and then you move on.

But I like Austin.
I don't want to move on.

Oh, no, no, no, you can
be friends with Austin.

I mean, he picks his nose,
but you play with dead mice,

so his mom's probably
not thrilled either.

Anyway, Ritchie, what
I'm trying to say

is that sometimes people
come into your life to stay

and sometimes they're
just passing through.

Mom...

Can I go to sleep?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm almost there.

Hang on, sweetie. Um...

Darling, listen.

Burton's not going to be
coming around anymore.

He's a great guy,

and he really
liked meeting you,

but he's one of Mommy's
friends that's moving on,

and everybody's okay.

Are you okay?

I'm okay.

Good.

Is there anything
you want to ask me?

Mm-hmm.

Who's Burton?

Good night, sweetheart.