The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Episode #4.15 - full transcript
I can't wait to see
your new renovations.
I have not been this
excited for a reveal
since L.A. announced their new
composting program. Oh, yeah.
You'reexcited?
We've been living with
our parents for 140 days.
Uh, I had 175.
At least that's
what it felt like.
You?
I was about ready to
Shawshank my way out of there.
Well, so hold on,
Calvin, did you really let
Tina handle everything?
Yes.Look.
All I wanted to know was
how much is it gonna cost,
and when is it gonna be done?
Well, it's all done now.
And the earthquake insurance
paid for most of it.
Most of it?
How much did we...?
Welcome, everybody,
welcome! Yay!
Welcome!
Oh, my God!
This is like the best episode
of Fixer Upperever.
Wow.
Well, I sure hate our house now.
Right?
This is amazing.
I wish it was this
ritzy when we were kids.
Hey, it's not
ritzy... hey! Oh...
D-Don't touch anything.
It's a good thing it wasn't
this nice when we were young,
'cause we would've destroyed it.
Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah,
we would've broken that.
Yep. We would've broken that.
We definitely would've
broken all that.
And, look, Gemma!
A wine fridge.
No more lukewarm chardonnay. Oh!
So, Calvin, what do you
think about the new digs?
Well, it's a lot of
big changes, but, um,
I like what I've
done with the place.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You? You fought every
single change the whole way.
Oh, Tina, Tina.
How about we leave
the old attitude
at the old house?
It just doesn't
go with the decor.
And this island is so big,
it's almost like
an actual island.
Nice.
Now, when I tell the ladies
I've been to the islands,
I won't be lying.
Excuse me.
Calvin!
Wake up. What are you
doing? We have guests, baby.
Well, don't blame me, babe.
I mean, you're the one that
reupholstered my old chair.
Hmm. And she's so pretty,
I might have to give her a name.
Well, I'm glad you like it,
but if you name it,
both of y'all gonna
be in the backyard.
Just saying.
Ooh, check out Mom's
new fancy refrigerator.
It makes five
different types of ice.
Ice is ice, Marty.
How many different
types do you need?
Oh, you simple man.
This makes crushed,
cubed, shaved, pebbled,
and a big-ass square
block for your Scotch.
Check this out.
Aha.
This is why people
hate the rich.
Thank you.
Ooh, Tina!
Calvin.
Your home is just gorgeous!
Oh, well, thank you, Miss Kim.
I'm so glad you chose to stay
and remodel, instead of moving
out of the neighborhood.
It's about time this
block started to change.
Yeah, well, n-no, I'm not
trying to change anything.
You've changed everything.
I just hope you haven't
changed your bedroom curtains.
I like seeing your
silhouettes at night.
Tina, are you hearing all this?
Yeah, got it...
Blackout curtains.
Uh, Miss Kim?
Would you like to
see our bedroom
from the inside for a change?
Oh, goodie.
Okay, right this way.
Well, well, well.
Check you out.
New kitchen,
new living room, new furniture.
I don't even know how to
act in this house anymore.
Me neither. He even
bougied out his chair.
Well, you know, I upgraded her
a little bit, man.
And she hugs my body
like I just came
home from the war.
I'm thinking about
giving her a name.
Renata.Renata.
But don't tell Tina, don't
tell Tina. Oh, no, no, uh-uh.
Hey, come on, let me
get y'all a beer, man.
All right, all right.
Uh-oh, look at that,
green apples. Okay.
Thank you, sir. Now hold on.
Let me elevate the
experience for you.
Because beer
tastes better
in frosted mugs.
A fridge just for
chilling beer mugs?
Fancy. Mm.
Dang.
Ole Calvin used to
be one of us. Mm-hmm.
Now he done gone Hollywood.
Can we even use slang
in this house anymore?
Hey, man.
Come on, now, I'm still
Calvin from the block.
Mm.Ain't nothing
changed about me
except for this house, and
insurance paid for most of it.
What kind of bougie insurance
covers a mug froster?
Man, I own a bar and I
don't even have that.
Well, that's because
I got real insurance.
Not one that has a
table at the swap meet.
I must admit it's
really nice to see
how the other half
lives... Hollywood.
Okay, all right, you two
done had your fun, man.
You can stop calling
me Hollywood.
Hey, we ain't mad
at you, Hollywood.
Don't call security.
Uh-oh.
No, I don't have
to call security,
but I might call the
IRS and let 'em know
that them two kids you
claim are not really yours.
Hey, are you almost ready?
We're gonna be late for
Calvin and Tina's party.
I know, but we need to talk.
Oh, God, what did I
do? What did I forget?
Can I just pre-apologize,
so we can go to the party?
Look, watch whatever
freaky thing you're into,
just please do it
on your own tablet.
Why didn't you tell me you were
into videos of women twerking?
I'm not. I'm...
I mean, I am now, uh...
But it wasn't me who was
watching those videos.
Oh, come on,
Dave, who else could it be?
Hey, I'm ready to go.
Marty said the housewarming's
turning into a dance party.
I don't want to miss that.
I bet you don't.
Dave!
Today it's twerking videos,
tomorrow it's something
twerkier.
Okay, well
let's cancel the Internet.
No.
I think it's time we have a more
mature conversation
with him about sex.
We've already
explained the basics,
so we just need to
take it up a level.
Yeah, you're right,
but I'll-I'll do it.
Make it a father-son
bonding thing.
But first...
I don't know how they do this,
I mean, just-just physically.
Oh, it's easy. It's
all in the knees.
How'd you get so good at that?
From watching twerking videos.
But I clear my search history.
Hey, Calvin, is Grover inside?
Yeah, he's in there on my iPad.
Oh, no!
Whoa, look at you.
Frosted mug. Somebody's
living large.
I'm just living, Dave.
Look, I'm sorry, man.
It's just a lot of people
in there with a lot of opinions.
Well, I'm glad you're
out here alone.
We need to talk about sex.
Dave, we've had
that talk already.
No.
Gemma and I found out that
Grover's been watching
these twerking videos, and now
I have to have a real
sex talk with him.
Oh.And I was hoping to
run some ideas by you,
since presumably you've
had to do it twice.
More like six times.
Marty refused to believe
that people would engage
in such "inappropriate
and unsanitary behavior."
Well, look, I'm just
trying to avoid it
being awkward and uncomfortable,
like, like the sex talk
that I had with my dad.
Well, Dave, you
have a way of making
the simplest
conversation awkward.
A lot like the way
this one started.
Look, I know, and I just...
I don't want to
screw up this up.
Look, man.
In this hyper-sexualized
world we live in,
Grover is bound to be
exposed one way or the other,
so you're smart to try
to get ahead of this.
But the most important
thing you can teach him
is to make good decisions
and treat his
partners with respect.
Wow.
You see, that, that was perfect.
Can you be there when
I talk to Grover?
So you want your
neighbor to watch
while you talk to
your son about sex?
No, you're right. That's my
dad's sex talk all over again.
Oh, look, baby, the
Patels sent us a gift.
You know, the neighborhood is
still talking about the
party and our remodel.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just worried that
showing off our house
may have sent the wrong message.
I mean, Ernie and the guys
kept saying that
I've gone Hollywood.
And that the Butlers, we
all Bel Air bougie now.
Baby, they're just
busting your chops.
They didn't mean it.
Mama, can I have another
espresso macchiato
from your Italian
coffee maker, please?
I love how it steams the
milk all light and foamy.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you want one, Marty?
Uh, I guess, although last time
the steamed milk was light
but it was not
particularly foamy.
No.
Not bougie at all.
So why aren't y'all drinking
the coffee at your own place?
'Cause you got all
the good stuff.
And we need it especially
after playing poker
at Ernie's all night long.Yeah.
Ernie had a poker night?
Well, yeah, Dad, all
the guys were there.
We figured you were
busy at the shop.
No. I wasn't invited.
You see, Tina?
Baby, they probably just forgot.
No, they didn't forget.
They think I've changed, like
I'm not one of them anymore.
No, no, look,
for what it's worth, Pop,
we did have your back when
the guys were clowning you.
You did? BOTH: Yeah.
'Cause they was
going in on you, Pop!
Yo, Ernie said you
are so siditty,
you now pronounce your name.
:
Cal-veen Boot-lar!
Ah!
After a couple hours
of clowning you,
we was like, "That's my
daddy, come on, now, like..."
That's what you did?
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Okay, well, Cal-veen
says get your own damn coffees.
No, Daddy, no...
Mmm, this isfoamy.
Tina? Mm-hmm.
I was looking at that bidet
and realized this
is all your fault.
My fault? How is this my fault?
Well, you're the one
that invited people
over to our new abode and...
Did I just say "abode"?
What have you done to me?
You know what, maybe
I have changed.
Baby, you haven't changed.
You just now have a house
that's tailored to your taste.
They'll come around.
No, this is how it starts, Tina.
First you're not
invited to poker.
Then you're shunned by
your whole community.
Eventually your only friend
is a recliner named Renata.
Yeah, I knew you would name it.
Babe, the way she
cradles me in her lap
just calling her
"chair" felt rude.
Don't make me rip
out her stuffing.
Look, baby, you're just
overreacting about all of this.
Our community still
looks to you as a leader.
No, babe, not if they
can't relate to me.
They're starting
to pull away, Tina.
Because they think
they think I'm the new Omarosa.
Okay.
All right, no, how about
this, why don't you invite
the guys over to watch a game?
You can talk a lot of
trash and prove to them
that you're still
the same old Calvin.
: Splendid idea!
This house got me
saying "splendid"
with a British accent.
Yeah.
You know what, now I'm peeved.
You know what, damn it, I'm
gonna just stop talking.
Which is why the most
important thing is consent.
You know, you never want
to make anyone do something
that they're not
comfortable with.
Well, you make me clean my room.
I didn't consentto that.
Well, that's your mom, not me.
Now, let's talk about
those twerking videos.
It is completely normal for
you to want to watch them.
Oh, good, but why can't
I stop watching them?
That's a good question.
Uh, well...
Grover, we have these
things called hormones.
Uh, which are
you know, little guys that
bounce around inside your body
and... make you want
to buy engagement rings
and... be nice to passive-
aggressive mother-in-laws.
What?
No, I get it, I get it,
it's-it's complicated.
Luckily...
I've written a song.
Oh, no.
See, what'd I tell you, man?
Just a regular old game night
with the regular fellas.
Yeah, all right. Yeah!
Thanks for having
us over, Calvin.
This new 4K TV is no joke.
The Lakers look like they're
actually in the living room.
Oh!
I thought Durant was
actually gonna kick me.
Ooh, LeBron on a
breakaway. There he go!
Boom!
Uh... Malcolm did it.
What? Malcolm did it.
Ernie did it.
Do not point
your finger at me.
Okay, all right,
guys, come on, now.
Accidents happen.
Ain't nothing a few
napkins can't take care of.
Here you go, just get that.
Are you okay? I'm okay.
Yeah.
Ernie? Hmm?
Old buddy, you mind, uh, taking
your feet off my ottoman?
It's an ottoman.
Isn't that where you're
supposed to put your feet?
Not when it's made out
of Bolivian bovine, no.
Oh, I thought you said
make ourselves at home,
Hollywood.
You're right, you're right.
Mi casa, su casa.
Yeah. Well, in that case...
Oh!
I'm sorry, I think
I broke your remote.
That wasn't just a remote!
That was a new smart-house,
multi-platform,
touch-screen keypad.
My bad, Hollywood.
But if it was so smart, it
should've moved out of the way.
Move... get out the
way! Get out the way!
You know what, that's it!
You know what, I'm tired of
y'all thinking I'm different
because of my house.
Yes, it's beautiful.
And, yes, I'm proud of
it, but just like y'all,
I work hard to have what I have.
Now get your Sasquatch
feet off my ottoman!
Hey, uh...
I think what my pops
is trying to say is,
please respect his space.
I-I'm sorry,
was I not clear?
What I'm saying is
get the hell out of here!
Go! Everybody...
You talking to me?
Put the cup down,
Ernie, put the cup down.
You know that, and don't
try to get no salsa,
don't try to take no
chips. Everybody, go.
You know, I got to say,
you're starting to feel
like the old Calvin again.
Oh, you miss the old Calvin?
Yeah, man.
Well, this is gonna
warm your heart.
So, you see, there's these
things called hormones.
And they make you want
to buy expensive stuff.
And you need consent,
but not when it comes
to cleaning your room
or eating broccoli.
Well, you know, it makes
more sense if you sing it.
So the song is
basically about...
But I believe
they've heard enough.
What were you thinking?
Every kid on the playground
is singing about sex,
like it's a fun
Taylor Swift song.
What do you have to
say for yourself?
Did they really compare my
songwriting to Taylor Swift?
Okay, I'm sorry...
Ms. Johnson, but can we please
talk about this at home?
No, because I'm not
your wife right now.
I am your son's principal.
Okay, well, in my defense,
how do you explain hormones?
I mean, nobody knows
what those things are.
They're our bodies'
chemical messengers.
Ooh, that's good, I got to
add that to my sex talk song.
What rhymes with messenger?
Got it. "Sex with her."
Dave, Grover needs
real information about sex.
Yeah, I know... you're right.
I overthought it. I just,
I didn't want it to be
like the sex talk
I had with my dad.
Everything was a
power tool reference.
I still feel dirty walking
around the Home Depot.
Okay, so
what does this thing do again?
It's a convection oven.
It can braise, roast and
toast.
Isn't that what a
regular oven does?
Well, this one convections.
Oh.
Well, that clears that up.
Oh, hey, Ernie. Come on in.
Thank you.Mm-hmm.
Oh, quick, Tina.
Hide the Grey Poupon
before Ernie accuses me of being
a mustard elitist.
Actually, that's why I'm here.
I want to apologize
for all the snide
comments and rude jokes.
You didn't deserve that.
Yeah, man, I mean, we've
always kidded around,
giving each other a hard time,
but... this felt different.
I'm embarrassed to admit
it, but I was jealous.
I had a bad year at the
bar. I'm two months behind
on rent and I
might have to shut down.
But-but I still
shouldn't have taken
my frustrations out on you.
I'm sorry.
Wow, man.
I didn't know.
Look, apology accepted.
Thanks. So
why don't you stay and
have some dinner with us.
Well, I have good
timing.
Can I get you a beer?
Oh, could I get one
of them frosted mugs?
Oh, you ain't said
nothing but a word.
Ah...
Yeah, yeah, all right, y'all.
Time for me to head home.
Thank you for the
hospitality. TINA: Okay.
Oh, hey, hey! Was that
chicken convectioned?
Why, yes, it was.
Thank you for noticing.
I knew it, yeah, yeah.
Oh, uh, Ernie, before you go,
um, there's something that
we wanted to give you.
What's this? Look, man,
I'm not a rich man, but
I am a blessed one.Yes.
And as a small business owner,
I know how tough times can be.
But even more importantly,
man, you're my boy.
So I know you would
do the same for me.
Aw...
Hey, look...
Thank-thank you, but
I-I can't take this.
Oh... You can and you will.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, besides, man, that
right there, that's a loan.
Don't think your boy out
here giving away free money.
Now, that
is the old Calvin.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks, you two.
And I promise I
will repay this loan
when I can.
And when you do,
make sure you give me
that other $40 you owe me.
: Yeah!
And that's how
things really work.
Wow!
So, now that you have
this information,
if you share it
with your friends,
just stick to the facts.
Oh, don't worry. I'd never
talk to my friends about this.
Now that I know how disgusting
it is, count me out.
Well, that went well.
I know.
I kind of want to update
my sex talk song now.
Let me know what
you think of this.
Captioning sponsored by CBS.
your new renovations.
I have not been this
excited for a reveal
since L.A. announced their new
composting program. Oh, yeah.
You'reexcited?
We've been living with
our parents for 140 days.
Uh, I had 175.
At least that's
what it felt like.
You?
I was about ready to
Shawshank my way out of there.
Well, so hold on,
Calvin, did you really let
Tina handle everything?
Yes.Look.
All I wanted to know was
how much is it gonna cost,
and when is it gonna be done?
Well, it's all done now.
And the earthquake insurance
paid for most of it.
Most of it?
How much did we...?
Welcome, everybody,
welcome! Yay!
Welcome!
Oh, my God!
This is like the best episode
of Fixer Upperever.
Wow.
Well, I sure hate our house now.
Right?
This is amazing.
I wish it was this
ritzy when we were kids.
Hey, it's not
ritzy... hey! Oh...
D-Don't touch anything.
It's a good thing it wasn't
this nice when we were young,
'cause we would've destroyed it.
Oh, yeah, definitely, yeah,
we would've broken that.
Yep. We would've broken that.
We definitely would've
broken all that.
And, look, Gemma!
A wine fridge.
No more lukewarm chardonnay. Oh!
So, Calvin, what do you
think about the new digs?
Well, it's a lot of
big changes, but, um,
I like what I've
done with the place.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You? You fought every
single change the whole way.
Oh, Tina, Tina.
How about we leave
the old attitude
at the old house?
It just doesn't
go with the decor.
And this island is so big,
it's almost like
an actual island.
Nice.
Now, when I tell the ladies
I've been to the islands,
I won't be lying.
Excuse me.
Calvin!
Wake up. What are you
doing? We have guests, baby.
Well, don't blame me, babe.
I mean, you're the one that
reupholstered my old chair.
Hmm. And she's so pretty,
I might have to give her a name.
Well, I'm glad you like it,
but if you name it,
both of y'all gonna
be in the backyard.
Just saying.
Ooh, check out Mom's
new fancy refrigerator.
It makes five
different types of ice.
Ice is ice, Marty.
How many different
types do you need?
Oh, you simple man.
This makes crushed,
cubed, shaved, pebbled,
and a big-ass square
block for your Scotch.
Check this out.
Aha.
This is why people
hate the rich.
Thank you.
Ooh, Tina!
Calvin.
Your home is just gorgeous!
Oh, well, thank you, Miss Kim.
I'm so glad you chose to stay
and remodel, instead of moving
out of the neighborhood.
It's about time this
block started to change.
Yeah, well, n-no, I'm not
trying to change anything.
You've changed everything.
I just hope you haven't
changed your bedroom curtains.
I like seeing your
silhouettes at night.
Tina, are you hearing all this?
Yeah, got it...
Blackout curtains.
Uh, Miss Kim?
Would you like to
see our bedroom
from the inside for a change?
Oh, goodie.
Okay, right this way.
Well, well, well.
Check you out.
New kitchen,
new living room, new furniture.
I don't even know how to
act in this house anymore.
Me neither. He even
bougied out his chair.
Well, you know, I upgraded her
a little bit, man.
And she hugs my body
like I just came
home from the war.
I'm thinking about
giving her a name.
Renata.Renata.
But don't tell Tina, don't
tell Tina. Oh, no, no, uh-uh.
Hey, come on, let me
get y'all a beer, man.
All right, all right.
Uh-oh, look at that,
green apples. Okay.
Thank you, sir. Now hold on.
Let me elevate the
experience for you.
Because beer
tastes better
in frosted mugs.
A fridge just for
chilling beer mugs?
Fancy. Mm.
Dang.
Ole Calvin used to
be one of us. Mm-hmm.
Now he done gone Hollywood.
Can we even use slang
in this house anymore?
Hey, man.
Come on, now, I'm still
Calvin from the block.
Mm.Ain't nothing
changed about me
except for this house, and
insurance paid for most of it.
What kind of bougie insurance
covers a mug froster?
Man, I own a bar and I
don't even have that.
Well, that's because
I got real insurance.
Not one that has a
table at the swap meet.
I must admit it's
really nice to see
how the other half
lives... Hollywood.
Okay, all right, you two
done had your fun, man.
You can stop calling
me Hollywood.
Hey, we ain't mad
at you, Hollywood.
Don't call security.
Uh-oh.
No, I don't have
to call security,
but I might call the
IRS and let 'em know
that them two kids you
claim are not really yours.
Hey, are you almost ready?
We're gonna be late for
Calvin and Tina's party.
I know, but we need to talk.
Oh, God, what did I
do? What did I forget?
Can I just pre-apologize,
so we can go to the party?
Look, watch whatever
freaky thing you're into,
just please do it
on your own tablet.
Why didn't you tell me you were
into videos of women twerking?
I'm not. I'm...
I mean, I am now, uh...
But it wasn't me who was
watching those videos.
Oh, come on,
Dave, who else could it be?
Hey, I'm ready to go.
Marty said the housewarming's
turning into a dance party.
I don't want to miss that.
I bet you don't.
Dave!
Today it's twerking videos,
tomorrow it's something
twerkier.
Okay, well
let's cancel the Internet.
No.
I think it's time we have a more
mature conversation
with him about sex.
We've already
explained the basics,
so we just need to
take it up a level.
Yeah, you're right,
but I'll-I'll do it.
Make it a father-son
bonding thing.
But first...
I don't know how they do this,
I mean, just-just physically.
Oh, it's easy. It's
all in the knees.
How'd you get so good at that?
From watching twerking videos.
But I clear my search history.
Hey, Calvin, is Grover inside?
Yeah, he's in there on my iPad.
Oh, no!
Whoa, look at you.
Frosted mug. Somebody's
living large.
I'm just living, Dave.
Look, I'm sorry, man.
It's just a lot of people
in there with a lot of opinions.
Well, I'm glad you're
out here alone.
We need to talk about sex.
Dave, we've had
that talk already.
No.
Gemma and I found out that
Grover's been watching
these twerking videos, and now
I have to have a real
sex talk with him.
Oh.And I was hoping to
run some ideas by you,
since presumably you've
had to do it twice.
More like six times.
Marty refused to believe
that people would engage
in such "inappropriate
and unsanitary behavior."
Well, look, I'm just
trying to avoid it
being awkward and uncomfortable,
like, like the sex talk
that I had with my dad.
Well, Dave, you
have a way of making
the simplest
conversation awkward.
A lot like the way
this one started.
Look, I know, and I just...
I don't want to
screw up this up.
Look, man.
In this hyper-sexualized
world we live in,
Grover is bound to be
exposed one way or the other,
so you're smart to try
to get ahead of this.
But the most important
thing you can teach him
is to make good decisions
and treat his
partners with respect.
Wow.
You see, that, that was perfect.
Can you be there when
I talk to Grover?
So you want your
neighbor to watch
while you talk to
your son about sex?
No, you're right. That's my
dad's sex talk all over again.
Oh, look, baby, the
Patels sent us a gift.
You know, the neighborhood is
still talking about the
party and our remodel.
Yeah, I know.
I'm just worried that
showing off our house
may have sent the wrong message.
I mean, Ernie and the guys
kept saying that
I've gone Hollywood.
And that the Butlers, we
all Bel Air bougie now.
Baby, they're just
busting your chops.
They didn't mean it.
Mama, can I have another
espresso macchiato
from your Italian
coffee maker, please?
I love how it steams the
milk all light and foamy.
Oh, okay.
Oh, you want one, Marty?
Uh, I guess, although last time
the steamed milk was light
but it was not
particularly foamy.
No.
Not bougie at all.
So why aren't y'all drinking
the coffee at your own place?
'Cause you got all
the good stuff.
And we need it especially
after playing poker
at Ernie's all night long.Yeah.
Ernie had a poker night?
Well, yeah, Dad, all
the guys were there.
We figured you were
busy at the shop.
No. I wasn't invited.
You see, Tina?
Baby, they probably just forgot.
No, they didn't forget.
They think I've changed, like
I'm not one of them anymore.
No, no, look,
for what it's worth, Pop,
we did have your back when
the guys were clowning you.
You did? BOTH: Yeah.
'Cause they was
going in on you, Pop!
Yo, Ernie said you
are so siditty,
you now pronounce your name.
:
Cal-veen Boot-lar!
Ah!
After a couple hours
of clowning you,
we was like, "That's my
daddy, come on, now, like..."
That's what you did?
Yeah. Yeah, we did.
Okay, well, Cal-veen
says get your own damn coffees.
No, Daddy, no...
Mmm, this isfoamy.
Tina? Mm-hmm.
I was looking at that bidet
and realized this
is all your fault.
My fault? How is this my fault?
Well, you're the one
that invited people
over to our new abode and...
Did I just say "abode"?
What have you done to me?
You know what, maybe
I have changed.
Baby, you haven't changed.
You just now have a house
that's tailored to your taste.
They'll come around.
No, this is how it starts, Tina.
First you're not
invited to poker.
Then you're shunned by
your whole community.
Eventually your only friend
is a recliner named Renata.
Yeah, I knew you would name it.
Babe, the way she
cradles me in her lap
just calling her
"chair" felt rude.
Don't make me rip
out her stuffing.
Look, baby, you're just
overreacting about all of this.
Our community still
looks to you as a leader.
No, babe, not if they
can't relate to me.
They're starting
to pull away, Tina.
Because they think
they think I'm the new Omarosa.
Okay.
All right, no, how about
this, why don't you invite
the guys over to watch a game?
You can talk a lot of
trash and prove to them
that you're still
the same old Calvin.
: Splendid idea!
This house got me
saying "splendid"
with a British accent.
Yeah.
You know what, now I'm peeved.
You know what, damn it, I'm
gonna just stop talking.
Which is why the most
important thing is consent.
You know, you never want
to make anyone do something
that they're not
comfortable with.
Well, you make me clean my room.
I didn't consentto that.
Well, that's your mom, not me.
Now, let's talk about
those twerking videos.
It is completely normal for
you to want to watch them.
Oh, good, but why can't
I stop watching them?
That's a good question.
Uh, well...
Grover, we have these
things called hormones.
Uh, which are
you know, little guys that
bounce around inside your body
and... make you want
to buy engagement rings
and... be nice to passive-
aggressive mother-in-laws.
What?
No, I get it, I get it,
it's-it's complicated.
Luckily...
I've written a song.
Oh, no.
See, what'd I tell you, man?
Just a regular old game night
with the regular fellas.
Yeah, all right. Yeah!
Thanks for having
us over, Calvin.
This new 4K TV is no joke.
The Lakers look like they're
actually in the living room.
Oh!
I thought Durant was
actually gonna kick me.
Ooh, LeBron on a
breakaway. There he go!
Boom!
Uh... Malcolm did it.
What? Malcolm did it.
Ernie did it.
Do not point
your finger at me.
Okay, all right,
guys, come on, now.
Accidents happen.
Ain't nothing a few
napkins can't take care of.
Here you go, just get that.
Are you okay? I'm okay.
Yeah.
Ernie? Hmm?
Old buddy, you mind, uh, taking
your feet off my ottoman?
It's an ottoman.
Isn't that where you're
supposed to put your feet?
Not when it's made out
of Bolivian bovine, no.
Oh, I thought you said
make ourselves at home,
Hollywood.
You're right, you're right.
Mi casa, su casa.
Yeah. Well, in that case...
Oh!
I'm sorry, I think
I broke your remote.
That wasn't just a remote!
That was a new smart-house,
multi-platform,
touch-screen keypad.
My bad, Hollywood.
But if it was so smart, it
should've moved out of the way.
Move... get out the
way! Get out the way!
You know what, that's it!
You know what, I'm tired of
y'all thinking I'm different
because of my house.
Yes, it's beautiful.
And, yes, I'm proud of
it, but just like y'all,
I work hard to have what I have.
Now get your Sasquatch
feet off my ottoman!
Hey, uh...
I think what my pops
is trying to say is,
please respect his space.
I-I'm sorry,
was I not clear?
What I'm saying is
get the hell out of here!
Go! Everybody...
You talking to me?
Put the cup down,
Ernie, put the cup down.
You know that, and don't
try to get no salsa,
don't try to take no
chips. Everybody, go.
You know, I got to say,
you're starting to feel
like the old Calvin again.
Oh, you miss the old Calvin?
Yeah, man.
Well, this is gonna
warm your heart.
So, you see, there's these
things called hormones.
And they make you want
to buy expensive stuff.
And you need consent,
but not when it comes
to cleaning your room
or eating broccoli.
Well, you know, it makes
more sense if you sing it.
So the song is
basically about...
But I believe
they've heard enough.
What were you thinking?
Every kid on the playground
is singing about sex,
like it's a fun
Taylor Swift song.
What do you have to
say for yourself?
Did they really compare my
songwriting to Taylor Swift?
Okay, I'm sorry...
Ms. Johnson, but can we please
talk about this at home?
No, because I'm not
your wife right now.
I am your son's principal.
Okay, well, in my defense,
how do you explain hormones?
I mean, nobody knows
what those things are.
They're our bodies'
chemical messengers.
Ooh, that's good, I got to
add that to my sex talk song.
What rhymes with messenger?
Got it. "Sex with her."
Dave, Grover needs
real information about sex.
Yeah, I know... you're right.
I overthought it. I just,
I didn't want it to be
like the sex talk
I had with my dad.
Everything was a
power tool reference.
I still feel dirty walking
around the Home Depot.
Okay, so
what does this thing do again?
It's a convection oven.
It can braise, roast and
toast.
Isn't that what a
regular oven does?
Well, this one convections.
Oh.
Well, that clears that up.
Oh, hey, Ernie. Come on in.
Thank you.Mm-hmm.
Oh, quick, Tina.
Hide the Grey Poupon
before Ernie accuses me of being
a mustard elitist.
Actually, that's why I'm here.
I want to apologize
for all the snide
comments and rude jokes.
You didn't deserve that.
Yeah, man, I mean, we've
always kidded around,
giving each other a hard time,
but... this felt different.
I'm embarrassed to admit
it, but I was jealous.
I had a bad year at the
bar. I'm two months behind
on rent and I
might have to shut down.
But-but I still
shouldn't have taken
my frustrations out on you.
I'm sorry.
Wow, man.
I didn't know.
Look, apology accepted.
Thanks. So
why don't you stay and
have some dinner with us.
Well, I have good
timing.
Can I get you a beer?
Oh, could I get one
of them frosted mugs?
Oh, you ain't said
nothing but a word.
Ah...
Yeah, yeah, all right, y'all.
Time for me to head home.
Thank you for the
hospitality. TINA: Okay.
Oh, hey, hey! Was that
chicken convectioned?
Why, yes, it was.
Thank you for noticing.
I knew it, yeah, yeah.
Oh, uh, Ernie, before you go,
um, there's something that
we wanted to give you.
What's this? Look, man,
I'm not a rich man, but
I am a blessed one.Yes.
And as a small business owner,
I know how tough times can be.
But even more importantly,
man, you're my boy.
So I know you would
do the same for me.
Aw...
Hey, look...
Thank-thank you, but
I-I can't take this.
Oh... You can and you will.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, besides, man, that
right there, that's a loan.
Don't think your boy out
here giving away free money.
Now, that
is the old Calvin.
Yeah.
Hey, thanks, you two.
And I promise I
will repay this loan
when I can.
And when you do,
make sure you give me
that other $40 you owe me.
: Yeah!
And that's how
things really work.
Wow!
So, now that you have
this information,
if you share it
with your friends,
just stick to the facts.
Oh, don't worry. I'd never
talk to my friends about this.
Now that I know how disgusting
it is, count me out.
Well, that went well.
I know.
I kind of want to update
my sex talk song now.
Let me know what
you think of this.
Captioning sponsored by CBS.