The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - Episode #4.16 - full transcript
Ooh, that can't be
Lorenzo and Claire.
They're never early.
Maybe they smelled your cooking.
No, it's just the freeloaders
that smelled it.
I'm sorry, I didn't know
freeloaders paid rent.
Yeah, I still say we
pay too much rent.
Look at this place.
All right, now, where's
that pot roast I smell?
Yeah. Whoa, not so fast.
That food is for company.
Not for people who we love
and care about.
Get out.
What? Wh... Oh...
Don't worry.
Mommy made you boys some extra.
Now get out.
Oh, I get it.
Y'all get a kitchen island
and suddenly
you're too good for us.
Suddenly?
We were too good for y'all
when we got
the George Foreman Grill.
Bye-bye.
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood.
Oh, my G... I love
the renovations, you guys. Thank you.
Yeah, who was your contractor?
An earthquake.
And just like most contractors,
she showed up
whenever she felt like it.
Uh, hey, guys, that was Gemma.
She's stuck at work,
so it looks like
you're with just Dave tonight.
Solo Dave.
Dave after dark.
Maybe we'll just keep
the lights on.
Hey, so Calvin said
you guys used to live
in the neighborhood.
Why did you leave?
'Cause the white people
started moving in.
He's joking.
Yeah.
We moved to D.C. for a few
years for Lorenzo's job.
Yeah, and when
they moved back, they moved
to the Westside.
Leaving us behind.
I could never leave
you behind, C. Come on.
Even though my best man tried
to outshine me
at my own wedding.
Hey, don't be mad because
I showed up suited and booted.
You went with the basic black,
I showed up
with the purple tux with
the Now & Later gators, man.
Well, I am so glad
you guys are back.
So here's to picking up
where we left off.
Yeah. I love you, babe.
And I love you, too, baby,
just as much as I did back then.
Aww.
Mwah.
Man, this makes me want to marry
Gemma all over again just so you
could be my best man.
Remind me not to save the date.
Looks like I need a refill.
Oh, yeah. You know where it is.
Right back there.
Mm. All right,
so now that he is gone,
we need to plan
our couples trip.
And Dave, you and Gemma
should come this time.
Oh, well, what are we thinking?
Aloha or buenos días?
We'll be lucky if it's
"welcome to Orange County."
Yeah, Lorenzo never wants
to go anywhere anymore.
Neither does Calvin
unless it's on Groupon.
Tina, you sleeping on Groupon.
Literally.
Those sheets? $25.
Plus, 30% off
on teeth whitening.
Yeah, looks like
I need a refill, also.
All right. Yeah, me, too.
I'm single tonight,
so I'm gonna turn up.
As soon as I can get away,
it'll just be you, me
and those beautiful toes
of yours.
Bring the whipped cream.
Hey.
Hey. Uh...
How long you guys
been standing there?
Long enough to know
that you into some freaky stuff.
Whoa.
What an incredible time
for me to lose my hearing.
What is going on, Zo?
I know you not out here
creeping on Claire.
Y'all were just all
lovey-dovey on the couch.
I got a lot of love
in my heart, C.
Some of it is for Claire
and some of it's for this
23-year-old, beautiful dental
assistant I met at Costco.
You know what?
We always said we'd keep it real
with each other.
Well, is this little side piece
worth blowing up your marriage?
I love Claire.
But what she doesn't know
won't hurt her.
And you got my back, right?
Remember The Man Code.
The Man Code?
Don't come at me with that.
Look, I'm not down
with your bull,
but... I'm not a snitch, either.
What about your boy?
Oh, he over there
telling Claire right now.
Oh, my God... Look, look, look.
Look, I'm just messing with you,
but this a dangerous game
you playing.
Stop.
Stop!
Oh, my gosh, you are so funny!
I said stop!
Oh, okay, okay, I'll
talk to you later.
Hey, hon.
Hey, who, uh,
who's the comedian?
Jameson, the school's
soccer coach.
I've been helping him
with scheduling.
Oh. He really
had you laughing, huh?
Yeah, I told him
he should do stand-up.
Stand-up?
I don't think
you ever said that to me.
Yeah, well,
there's stand-up funny
and then there's "sitting around
the house" funny.
Oh, it's Jameson again.
I'm laughing already.
Hey, Jameson.
Oh, my gosh, please stop!
Did she just snort?
Tonight was fun.
Yeah, nothing like
old friends, right?
Eh, there was just something
different about Lorenzo.
Really?
He seemed like the same old
loud Lorenzo to me.
No, I mean,
every time he went into the
kitchen to freshen up his drink,
he came back with
an empty glass.
Maybe the man was thirsty.
You know, Calvin, I don't mean
to talk about your boy, but...
I think he may have
a drinking problem.
Oh. You know, maybe you're
on to something with that.
Uh, we'll plan his intervention
in the morning. Good night.
Okay. What's going on, Calvin?
Well, the lights.
Even though I just
turned them off.
You ain't fooling
nobody, Calvin Butler.
You know something.
Not at 11:59 at night, I don't.
Okay?
What's going on with Lorenzo?
Babe, these are next-day
questions, okay? All right.
It's midnight, so technically,
it is the next day.
Spill it!
Okay.
What I'm about to tell you
got to be kept a secret.
Okay, but why
are you whispering?
I don't know.
Lorenzo's having an affair.
What?
Yes.
Oh, my God, I can't
believe that jackass.
Claire is gonna be devastated
when she finds out.
No, she's not.
Because she's not
gonna find out.
At least not from us.
Calvin.
Tina.
Look, now, I'm not gonna say
nothing and neither are you.
Men,
we live by The Man Code.
Look, if I know
you know something,
then I could tell you.
But if I don't know
that you know,
then I can't tell you, you know?
Oh, I know.
And that nonsense should have
expired when you turned 25.
The Man Code is stupid.
Well, if that isn't gender bias,
I don't know what is, Tina.
Calvin,
Claire and I go way back,
just like you and Lorenzo.
And I will be calling
her in the morning.
Tina.
You can't tell Claire
that Lorenzo is cheating on her,
'cause you'd be breaking
The Marriage Code.
The Marriage Code?
Yes. It's sacred.
Secrets between a husband
and wife have to stay a secret.
It's in the Bible.
It's Leviticus 3:6... Mafia,
or something.
Yeah, but that does not
outweigh Exodus 20:14
"Do not screw around
on your wife."
All right, all I'm saying is
that we should stay out
of other people's relationships.
Agreed, but I live
by The Sister Code.
And if Claire asks me directly
if I know what's going on,
then I have to tell her.
Oh, my God, it's Claire.
What am I gonna do?
All right, now,
you can't tell her.
I been knowing Lorenzo since
I was in junior high school.
Give me a chance to talk to him,
let him see if he can
make this right.
But what if she already knows?
I got to pick up.
Hello?
Oh, a-are you okay?
Oh, your car broke down.
Ugh, that's great.
I mean, not-not great. I mean,
considering the news
it could've been, yeah, yeah.
O-Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah, have it towed to the shop.
And-and Calvin will be happy
to fix it in the mistress.
I mean, the morning.
In the morning.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at my baby
holding up The Marriage Code.
Come on, now. Oh, yeah, it wasn't easy.
You lucky you cute.
I'm cute, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Am I cute enough for you
to come on over here?
Good night, Calvin.
Y-You asleep already?
Hey, honey.
I'm taking a kickboxing class.
I'll be back in an hour.
Okey dokey, hot and smoky. Mwah.Mwah.
Oh, hey, Gem,
you forgot your phone.
Oh.
Text from Jameson.
"Are we still on for 6:00?
"Make sure to bring
that peach emoji.
Winky-face emoji,
don't tell my wife."
"Don't tell my wife"?
This guy isn't funny at all.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Only one way to find out.
Nope.
What, did she change
her password?
Let me try her face.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Ooh, don't lock, don't lock.
Ooh, you locked.
Darn it.
Oh, hey, Grover, want to play
Candy Crushon Mom's phone?
Here you go.
What?
I-It's locked.
What did you do?
Nothing.
You just handed it to me.
What did youdo?
Hey, baby. Hey, babe.
What are you doing here?
Well, I am taking
you out on a date.
You know, I've been thinking
about Claire and Lorenzo
for the past few days,
and it made me realize
how good we have it.
Yeah, we do have it good,
don't we? Mm-hmm.
Thou shall appreciate
thy hot wife.
That's right.
So what's wrong
with the cheater's car?
A pair of panties
in the tailpipe?
You know, baby, I hate
being put in this position
by a two-timing, no good,
low...
...renzo and Claire!
Hey, Calvin.Hey.
Well, your car is fixed
and ready to go, you guys.
Oh, Tina, I'm so
happy you're here.
There's something I
wanted to ask you.
W-Why do you need to ask her?
You can ask me anything
that you need.
Because it's a
question for Tina,
'cause I know she'll
be honest with me.
Okay, so, this has been
bothering me
since we hung out
the other night.
Oh, thank God. You and me both.
I knew it.
My pound cake was so dry, huh?
Ugh.
I think it needed more eggs. No, no, no.
Actually, Claire,
your pound cake was great.
And so are you.
Lorenzo's lucky to have you.
Thank you, Tina.
So, what was bothering you?
Ooh! Bae, Bae.
Baby.
Tina and Calvin are so busy.
We should probably
just get out of here, baby.
Okay, but stop rushing me.
I want to talk to our friends.
Okay, but we...
So, Calvin,
Calvin.
So I heard you guys
had fun at the game.
The game?
Yeah, yeah. Stop playing, C.
The Lakers game last night.
The Lakers game.
Ha!
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the game was, uh,
uh, it was a crazy game.
You know what I'm saying?
I drank a lot of them
$20 beers, though,
so, you know me, you know,
I got the... all night.
I ended up winning some money.
I won a lot of money last night.
And g-guess I got lucky.
That's me.
Lucky, lucky Calvin.
Calvin, can you help me
find Lorenzo's keys
in the office, please?
Looks like my luck just ran out.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.Hi. I need some help
unlocking Gemma's phone, and
quickly, before she gets home.
Uh, Dave, before we break
into your wife's phone,
shouldn't you explain why we
breaking into your wife's phone?
Sure. She has been
spending a lot of time
with the school's soccer coach.
She thinks this
guy is hilarious,
but obviously he's no me.
I mean, I'm the funniest guy
that you two know, right?
- Uh...
- Um...
Hey, you are the funniest
Dave that we know.
Yeah... Uh, oh, no. Dave Wilson.
Oh, now, he is funny, right?
He should do stand-up.
Dave Wilson... Dave Wilson is a fool, boy.
Oh, forget about Dave Wilson!
Now, listen,
Gemma left her phone, and I saw
a text from him that said,
"Bring that peach emoji,"
and then, "Don't
tell my wife."
What does the peach emoji
even mean?
Oh...
Uh...
So...
Well, uh, well,
in-in the ever-evolving parlance
of young folks,
it is generally associated
with the gluteus maximus.
"That ass," Dave.
It means "that ass."
It means "that ass"?
Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.
There must be some
misunderstanding.
Gemma would never
step out on you, man.
I know that, but if she finds
out that I was snooping,
then she's gonna think
that I don't trust her,
and then she won't trust me.
And then the next thing
you know,
she's hiding assets overseas
and I'm picking up Grover
on weekends.
Okay, don't worry, Dave.
You got the power of the
U.S. government on your side.
This is high-tech equipment
used to debug the Mars rover,
but now I can finally use it
for something important.
All right.
Oh! Oh...
Did it work?
I can't believe you lied
for that cheating Lorenzo.
Look, I didn't have
no choice, Tina.
All right? We've always
had each other's back.
What kind of man would I be
if I sold out my oldest friend?
The kind of man
who does the right thing,
even when it's hard.
Yo, everything good in here?
Calvin will fill you in.
So, she knows, doesn't she?
Tina's not your problem.
Claire is.
Why didn't you pick up on
the Lakers thing quicker, man?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I not
lie fast enough for you?
It was bad enough
you pulled me into your mess,
but now you messing up my thing.
So, you're gonna
blow up my spot?
You blew up your spot.
Man, you got Claire out here
looking stupid,
and we both know
she doesn't deserve that.
You need to fix this.
Fix what?
Okay, now you testing
my patience.
Okay. Look, Claire. If you... These
are not mine. They're not mine.
They're not mine, Tina.
Claire, if you calm down...
What's going on here?
Oh, what's going on? I found
some hoochie's flip-flops
under the front seat.
You cheating on me!
What?
So you have been taking
other women to get pedicures?
Look, Claire, I was just coming
out here to tell you.
I'm sorry. I know
House of Toes is our place.
Oh!
Do something, Calvin.
What do want me to do?
The lady's holding a tire iron.
Baby, baby, baby!
Babe, please.
We can fix this.
Oh, hell no.
And you will never see
these feet again, cheater.
Don't do that.
No... Baby!
Oh!
Uh...
That divorce is
gonna cost you,
but not as much
as this paint job.
Luckily, I just needed
to flip the breaker.
Yeah, unfortunately, this is
gonna need a lot more help.
I'm never gonna
recover from this.
Time to start looking into
high-powered divorce attorneys.
Ooh.
H-Hey, Gemma.
Oh! Gemma. Gemma.
Uh, the gem who's a ma.
The ma who is a gem.
Come here, my precious stone.
Oh, okay.
Uh, for some reason,
my tablet said my phone is here.
Oh...
And why does it look like
your mom's banana bread?
So, I'm gonna go.
Uh, y-you two enjoy
our lovely home.
And remember,
checkout's at 11:00.
Uh... Gemma.
Y-You are gonna laugh
when you hear this story.
Dave, what's going on?
Okay, look, to be honest,
I saw a part of a text
from Jameson,
and I know it was wrong,
but it made me a little jealous,
so I tried to read the rest.
And?
Well, and he asked you
to bring "that peach emoji,"
which any person hip
to the ever-evolving parlance
of young folks
knows means... "that ass."
Dave, he sends me peach emojis
when he's talking about
my homemade peach cobbler.
But he's not supposed to eat it
because him and his wife Susan
are on a diet.
Well, someone
should tell Jameson
what a peach emoji means.
Look, I'm sorry.
All of this is because
Calvin's friend did something
that just sent me into a spiral.
Well, I don't know
what that's about,
but you know you can
talk to me about anything.
Yeah, I-I know that,
and I should never have
invaded your privacy.
It's just, you were laughing
so much with that guy.
You even snorted one time.
You never snort with me.
There's nothing sexy
about snorting.
And I want to be sexy
in front of you.
You know you make me
laugh harder than anybody.
You think I could do stand-up? Nope.
But that's only because
I want you all to myself.
And don't worry about Jameson.
I could never do the whole
"Chris Hemsworth-looking
soccer coach" type. Bleh.
"Bleh" is right.
Chris-Chris Hemsworth?
As in, uh, Thor,
God of the Thunder?
Lorenzo and Claire.
They're never early.
Maybe they smelled your cooking.
No, it's just the freeloaders
that smelled it.
I'm sorry, I didn't know
freeloaders paid rent.
Yeah, I still say we
pay too much rent.
Look at this place.
All right, now, where's
that pot roast I smell?
Yeah. Whoa, not so fast.
That food is for company.
Not for people who we love
and care about.
Get out.
What? Wh... Oh...
Don't worry.
Mommy made you boys some extra.
Now get out.
Oh, I get it.
Y'all get a kitchen island
and suddenly
you're too good for us.
Suddenly?
We were too good for y'all
when we got
the George Foreman Grill.
Bye-bye.
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood.
Oh, my G... I love
the renovations, you guys. Thank you.
Yeah, who was your contractor?
An earthquake.
And just like most contractors,
she showed up
whenever she felt like it.
Uh, hey, guys, that was Gemma.
She's stuck at work,
so it looks like
you're with just Dave tonight.
Solo Dave.
Dave after dark.
Maybe we'll just keep
the lights on.
Hey, so Calvin said
you guys used to live
in the neighborhood.
Why did you leave?
'Cause the white people
started moving in.
He's joking.
Yeah.
We moved to D.C. for a few
years for Lorenzo's job.
Yeah, and when
they moved back, they moved
to the Westside.
Leaving us behind.
I could never leave
you behind, C. Come on.
Even though my best man tried
to outshine me
at my own wedding.
Hey, don't be mad because
I showed up suited and booted.
You went with the basic black,
I showed up
with the purple tux with
the Now & Later gators, man.
Well, I am so glad
you guys are back.
So here's to picking up
where we left off.
Yeah. I love you, babe.
And I love you, too, baby,
just as much as I did back then.
Aww.
Mwah.
Man, this makes me want to marry
Gemma all over again just so you
could be my best man.
Remind me not to save the date.
Looks like I need a refill.
Oh, yeah. You know where it is.
Right back there.
Mm. All right,
so now that he is gone,
we need to plan
our couples trip.
And Dave, you and Gemma
should come this time.
Oh, well, what are we thinking?
Aloha or buenos días?
We'll be lucky if it's
"welcome to Orange County."
Yeah, Lorenzo never wants
to go anywhere anymore.
Neither does Calvin
unless it's on Groupon.
Tina, you sleeping on Groupon.
Literally.
Those sheets? $25.
Plus, 30% off
on teeth whitening.
Yeah, looks like
I need a refill, also.
All right. Yeah, me, too.
I'm single tonight,
so I'm gonna turn up.
As soon as I can get away,
it'll just be you, me
and those beautiful toes
of yours.
Bring the whipped cream.
Hey.
Hey. Uh...
How long you guys
been standing there?
Long enough to know
that you into some freaky stuff.
Whoa.
What an incredible time
for me to lose my hearing.
What is going on, Zo?
I know you not out here
creeping on Claire.
Y'all were just all
lovey-dovey on the couch.
I got a lot of love
in my heart, C.
Some of it is for Claire
and some of it's for this
23-year-old, beautiful dental
assistant I met at Costco.
You know what?
We always said we'd keep it real
with each other.
Well, is this little side piece
worth blowing up your marriage?
I love Claire.
But what she doesn't know
won't hurt her.
And you got my back, right?
Remember The Man Code.
The Man Code?
Don't come at me with that.
Look, I'm not down
with your bull,
but... I'm not a snitch, either.
What about your boy?
Oh, he over there
telling Claire right now.
Oh, my God... Look, look, look.
Look, I'm just messing with you,
but this a dangerous game
you playing.
Stop.
Stop!
Oh, my gosh, you are so funny!
I said stop!
Oh, okay, okay, I'll
talk to you later.
Hey, hon.
Hey, who, uh,
who's the comedian?
Jameson, the school's
soccer coach.
I've been helping him
with scheduling.
Oh. He really
had you laughing, huh?
Yeah, I told him
he should do stand-up.
Stand-up?
I don't think
you ever said that to me.
Yeah, well,
there's stand-up funny
and then there's "sitting around
the house" funny.
Oh, it's Jameson again.
I'm laughing already.
Hey, Jameson.
Oh, my gosh, please stop!
Did she just snort?
Tonight was fun.
Yeah, nothing like
old friends, right?
Eh, there was just something
different about Lorenzo.
Really?
He seemed like the same old
loud Lorenzo to me.
No, I mean,
every time he went into the
kitchen to freshen up his drink,
he came back with
an empty glass.
Maybe the man was thirsty.
You know, Calvin, I don't mean
to talk about your boy, but...
I think he may have
a drinking problem.
Oh. You know, maybe you're
on to something with that.
Uh, we'll plan his intervention
in the morning. Good night.
Okay. What's going on, Calvin?
Well, the lights.
Even though I just
turned them off.
You ain't fooling
nobody, Calvin Butler.
You know something.
Not at 11:59 at night, I don't.
Okay?
What's going on with Lorenzo?
Babe, these are next-day
questions, okay? All right.
It's midnight, so technically,
it is the next day.
Spill it!
Okay.
What I'm about to tell you
got to be kept a secret.
Okay, but why
are you whispering?
I don't know.
Lorenzo's having an affair.
What?
Yes.
Oh, my God, I can't
believe that jackass.
Claire is gonna be devastated
when she finds out.
No, she's not.
Because she's not
gonna find out.
At least not from us.
Calvin.
Tina.
Look, now, I'm not gonna say
nothing and neither are you.
Men,
we live by The Man Code.
Look, if I know
you know something,
then I could tell you.
But if I don't know
that you know,
then I can't tell you, you know?
Oh, I know.
And that nonsense should have
expired when you turned 25.
The Man Code is stupid.
Well, if that isn't gender bias,
I don't know what is, Tina.
Calvin,
Claire and I go way back,
just like you and Lorenzo.
And I will be calling
her in the morning.
Tina.
You can't tell Claire
that Lorenzo is cheating on her,
'cause you'd be breaking
The Marriage Code.
The Marriage Code?
Yes. It's sacred.
Secrets between a husband
and wife have to stay a secret.
It's in the Bible.
It's Leviticus 3:6... Mafia,
or something.
Yeah, but that does not
outweigh Exodus 20:14
"Do not screw around
on your wife."
All right, all I'm saying is
that we should stay out
of other people's relationships.
Agreed, but I live
by The Sister Code.
And if Claire asks me directly
if I know what's going on,
then I have to tell her.
Oh, my God, it's Claire.
What am I gonna do?
All right, now,
you can't tell her.
I been knowing Lorenzo since
I was in junior high school.
Give me a chance to talk to him,
let him see if he can
make this right.
But what if she already knows?
I got to pick up.
Hello?
Oh, a-are you okay?
Oh, your car broke down.
Ugh, that's great.
I mean, not-not great. I mean,
considering the news
it could've been, yeah, yeah.
O-Oh, yeah, okay.
Yeah, have it towed to the shop.
And-and Calvin will be happy
to fix it in the mistress.
I mean, the morning.
In the morning.
Okay.
Bye-bye.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at my baby
holding up The Marriage Code.
Come on, now. Oh, yeah, it wasn't easy.
You lucky you cute.
I'm cute, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Am I cute enough for you
to come on over here?
Good night, Calvin.
Y-You asleep already?
Hey, honey.
I'm taking a kickboxing class.
I'll be back in an hour.
Okey dokey, hot and smoky. Mwah.Mwah.
Oh, hey, Gem,
you forgot your phone.
Oh.
Text from Jameson.
"Are we still on for 6:00?
"Make sure to bring
that peach emoji.
Winky-face emoji,
don't tell my wife."
"Don't tell my wife"?
This guy isn't funny at all.
Maybe I'm missing something.
Only one way to find out.
Nope.
What, did she change
her password?
Let me try her face.
Oh, no.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Ooh, don't lock, don't lock.
Ooh, you locked.
Darn it.
Oh, hey, Grover, want to play
Candy Crushon Mom's phone?
Here you go.
What?
I-It's locked.
What did you do?
Nothing.
You just handed it to me.
What did youdo?
Hey, baby. Hey, babe.
What are you doing here?
Well, I am taking
you out on a date.
You know, I've been thinking
about Claire and Lorenzo
for the past few days,
and it made me realize
how good we have it.
Yeah, we do have it good,
don't we? Mm-hmm.
Thou shall appreciate
thy hot wife.
That's right.
So what's wrong
with the cheater's car?
A pair of panties
in the tailpipe?
You know, baby, I hate
being put in this position
by a two-timing, no good,
low...
...renzo and Claire!
Hey, Calvin.Hey.
Well, your car is fixed
and ready to go, you guys.
Oh, Tina, I'm so
happy you're here.
There's something I
wanted to ask you.
W-Why do you need to ask her?
You can ask me anything
that you need.
Because it's a
question for Tina,
'cause I know she'll
be honest with me.
Okay, so, this has been
bothering me
since we hung out
the other night.
Oh, thank God. You and me both.
I knew it.
My pound cake was so dry, huh?
Ugh.
I think it needed more eggs. No, no, no.
Actually, Claire,
your pound cake was great.
And so are you.
Lorenzo's lucky to have you.
Thank you, Tina.
So, what was bothering you?
Ooh! Bae, Bae.
Baby.
Tina and Calvin are so busy.
We should probably
just get out of here, baby.
Okay, but stop rushing me.
I want to talk to our friends.
Okay, but we...
So, Calvin,
Calvin.
So I heard you guys
had fun at the game.
The game?
Yeah, yeah. Stop playing, C.
The Lakers game last night.
The Lakers game.
Ha!
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, the game was, uh,
uh, it was a crazy game.
You know what I'm saying?
I drank a lot of them
$20 beers, though,
so, you know me, you know,
I got the... all night.
I ended up winning some money.
I won a lot of money last night.
And g-guess I got lucky.
That's me.
Lucky, lucky Calvin.
Calvin, can you help me
find Lorenzo's keys
in the office, please?
Looks like my luck just ran out.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.Hi. I need some help
unlocking Gemma's phone, and
quickly, before she gets home.
Uh, Dave, before we break
into your wife's phone,
shouldn't you explain why we
breaking into your wife's phone?
Sure. She has been
spending a lot of time
with the school's soccer coach.
She thinks this
guy is hilarious,
but obviously he's no me.
I mean, I'm the funniest guy
that you two know, right?
- Uh...
- Um...
Hey, you are the funniest
Dave that we know.
Yeah... Uh, oh, no. Dave Wilson.
Oh, now, he is funny, right?
He should do stand-up.
Dave Wilson... Dave Wilson is a fool, boy.
Oh, forget about Dave Wilson!
Now, listen,
Gemma left her phone, and I saw
a text from him that said,
"Bring that peach emoji,"
and then, "Don't
tell my wife."
What does the peach emoji
even mean?
Oh...
Uh...
So...
Well, uh, well,
in-in the ever-evolving parlance
of young folks,
it is generally associated
with the gluteus maximus.
"That ass," Dave.
It means "that ass."
It means "that ass"?
Yeah. Hey, hey, hey.
There must be some
misunderstanding.
Gemma would never
step out on you, man.
I know that, but if she finds
out that I was snooping,
then she's gonna think
that I don't trust her,
and then she won't trust me.
And then the next thing
you know,
she's hiding assets overseas
and I'm picking up Grover
on weekends.
Okay, don't worry, Dave.
You got the power of the
U.S. government on your side.
This is high-tech equipment
used to debug the Mars rover,
but now I can finally use it
for something important.
All right.
Oh! Oh...
Did it work?
I can't believe you lied
for that cheating Lorenzo.
Look, I didn't have
no choice, Tina.
All right? We've always
had each other's back.
What kind of man would I be
if I sold out my oldest friend?
The kind of man
who does the right thing,
even when it's hard.
Yo, everything good in here?
Calvin will fill you in.
So, she knows, doesn't she?
Tina's not your problem.
Claire is.
Why didn't you pick up on
the Lakers thing quicker, man?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did I not
lie fast enough for you?
It was bad enough
you pulled me into your mess,
but now you messing up my thing.
So, you're gonna
blow up my spot?
You blew up your spot.
Man, you got Claire out here
looking stupid,
and we both know
she doesn't deserve that.
You need to fix this.
Fix what?
Okay, now you testing
my patience.
Okay. Look, Claire. If you... These
are not mine. They're not mine.
They're not mine, Tina.
Claire, if you calm down...
What's going on here?
Oh, what's going on? I found
some hoochie's flip-flops
under the front seat.
You cheating on me!
What?
So you have been taking
other women to get pedicures?
Look, Claire, I was just coming
out here to tell you.
I'm sorry. I know
House of Toes is our place.
Oh!
Do something, Calvin.
What do want me to do?
The lady's holding a tire iron.
Baby, baby, baby!
Babe, please.
We can fix this.
Oh, hell no.
And you will never see
these feet again, cheater.
Don't do that.
No... Baby!
Oh!
Uh...
That divorce is
gonna cost you,
but not as much
as this paint job.
Luckily, I just needed
to flip the breaker.
Yeah, unfortunately, this is
gonna need a lot more help.
I'm never gonna
recover from this.
Time to start looking into
high-powered divorce attorneys.
Ooh.
H-Hey, Gemma.
Oh! Gemma. Gemma.
Uh, the gem who's a ma.
The ma who is a gem.
Come here, my precious stone.
Oh, okay.
Uh, for some reason,
my tablet said my phone is here.
Oh...
And why does it look like
your mom's banana bread?
So, I'm gonna go.
Uh, y-you two enjoy
our lovely home.
And remember,
checkout's at 11:00.
Uh... Gemma.
Y-You are gonna laugh
when you hear this story.
Dave, what's going on?
Okay, look, to be honest,
I saw a part of a text
from Jameson,
and I know it was wrong,
but it made me a little jealous,
so I tried to read the rest.
And?
Well, and he asked you
to bring "that peach emoji,"
which any person hip
to the ever-evolving parlance
of young folks
knows means... "that ass."
Dave, he sends me peach emojis
when he's talking about
my homemade peach cobbler.
But he's not supposed to eat it
because him and his wife Susan
are on a diet.
Well, someone
should tell Jameson
what a peach emoji means.
Look, I'm sorry.
All of this is because
Calvin's friend did something
that just sent me into a spiral.
Well, I don't know
what that's about,
but you know you can
talk to me about anything.
Yeah, I-I know that,
and I should never have
invaded your privacy.
It's just, you were laughing
so much with that guy.
You even snorted one time.
You never snort with me.
There's nothing sexy
about snorting.
And I want to be sexy
in front of you.
You know you make me
laugh harder than anybody.
You think I could do stand-up? Nope.
But that's only because
I want you all to myself.
And don't worry about Jameson.
I could never do the whole
"Chris Hemsworth-looking
soccer coach" type. Bleh.
"Bleh" is right.
Chris-Chris Hemsworth?
As in, uh, Thor,
God of the Thunder?