The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 4, Episode 13 - Welcome to the Stakeout - full transcript

Oh, hey, Calvin. Ready
for our, uh, tee time.

Oh, sorry. Rain check, buddy.

I'm missing a part
of the suspension kit

for a '63 Impala.

It was right here yesterday.

Oh, well, uh...

Is this it?

No. That's the muffler.

Right. Which is, uh...

not part of the suspension?

Very good.



And tomorrow we'll work
on shapes and colors.

Okay, well, I don't understand.

Why don't you just
get a new suspension?

Because it's an
original from 1963.

I can't just jump
in a time machine

and go back and get another one.

Besides, Black people don't
like to travel back in time.

Hey, you know...

you don't think it was one
of your employees, do you?

No.

I trust my guys completely.

Which is why I hid a bunch
of cameras all around.

Did you check the cameras?

Di... Did I... Come...



Did I check the
cameras? Really, Dave?

That's the question
you gonna ask me?

Did I check 'em?

You didn't check the
cameras, did you?

Look, I just got robbed,
Dave. Stop blaming the victim.

♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Why is the footage so grainy?

I don't know.

These cameras were
state of the art

when I bought 'em in '92.

Calvin, I was 11 in 1992.

My View-Master had
better resolution.

Oh, there's the thief.

Or is that a smudge?

Well, that smudge is
stealing your car parts.

Unbelievable, man.

I mean, you work
and you struggle

to make an honest living.

And then some lowlife just feels
he can come and take it all.

All right, well, let's call
the cops. And tell 'em what?

Find a working VCR,

and fast-forward to the smudge?

Well, what are we gonna do?

We're just gonna let this
guy get away with it?No.

The thief didn't take all
the parts, so he'll be back.

And when he does, I'm gonna be

right here waiting on
him with my good friends

law and order.

And I'll be waiting
with my good friends

Rizzoli and Isles.

(quartz bowl droning)

Everyone take a deep breath
in and hold it at the top.

This will clear
your heart chakra.

(doorbell rings)

One sec.

I've got to clear
my porch chakra.

Hey, girl.

Oh... Oh, what?

Are you having a party?

Oh... no.

Oh, no, just having a couple of
friends over; nobody you know.

Hello, I'm Aria.

Hey.

Welcome, goddess.

Ooh, you have a beautiful aura.

Well, thank you.

You know, I use cocoa butter.

Well, you came just in
time for the tranquility

sound bath.

Okay. Well, what's that?

Nothing you'd be interested in.

Plus, we're capped
at five people.

Fire marshal stuff. Oh.

Gemma, there's always
room for one more

in the spiritual tub.

See, I am down for that.

But I'm not getting my head wet.

This is over $300's worth
of somebody else's hair.

Okay. I guess nobody cares
about the fire marshal.

Okay. This looks like
so much fun, ladies.

You know, I used to
play drums in church.

(high-pitched clanging)

All my childhood
trauma's coming back!

Okay, Tina, Tina, Tina?

Tina. What?

These are sacred bowls.

We play them to
clear our chakras.

Chakras.

Okay. (laughs)

(mumbles) The idea
is to make them sing.

Here. Let me show you.

Oh, girl, nobody needs
to show me how to sing.

Well, then, join me.

(plays tone)

(harmonizing): ♪ Ah... ♪

(tone plays) ♪ Ah... ♪

(continues singing)

♪ Chakra, clearing
my Chakra Khan. ♪

♪ I'm ev...

ery goddess. (laughs)

♪ It's all in me ♪

♪ I can read your
thoughts right now ♪

♪ Every one from A to Z... ♪

This is fun.

You know,

nothing makes me happier
than living with my parents.

(laughs)

Uh, yup.

That earthquake was a
blessing in disguise.

They're not here, ass-kisser.

Hey, man, I'm just trying
to stay in the will.

Okay, check out this
picture of me and Necie.

We recreated he Lady
and the Tramp. T

God, you two are so corny.

I know. I know. We're
perfect together.

You know, I can't
believe I'm saying this,

but I think I may
have found the one.

Wait a minute. Marty, you-you
posted this on Instagram?

Yeah, man. You know,
posting a romantic photo

after only a month is
relationship suicide.

What? Yeah, you know, you got
to start with a soft launch.

Look, first start with a
close-up of both of your hands.

Huh? And then,
you creep on up,

yeah, to the elbows.

Elbows? Yeah.

I'm trying to show
the world my girl,

not do a lotion commercial.

All right,

but if you make your
relationship official

before she's ready,

lotion gonna be
all you got left.

You know what? What do you
know, Single Person? Okay?

We hashtag "Black
love" over here.

Hey, where did our picture go?

Oh, crap! Necie untagged
herself from my post.

See, man? You scared her off.

No, but we call
each other "boo."

The parking lady at
work calls me "boo."

(phone ringing)
Oh, it's Necie.

I'm about to be dumped.
Wait, wait, Marty, Marty.

Don't answer it.

She can't break up with
you if she can't reach you.

(laughing)

That is terrible advice!

But I am gonna take it

until I can come up
with something better.

I mean, how crazy was that?

I thought the singing bowls and
the crystal rubbing was kooky,

but that, uh, Reiki massage?

I mean, thank God I
didn't pay for it.

You know, she never
laid a hand on me.

(scoffs)

Tina, this isn't a joke to me.

Oh, come on, Gemma.

You didn't think that was weird?

No. I believe in
energy healing.

Ha! Since when?

I mean, come on, Gemma.

We used to make fun of the
hippie-dippie Cali girls

flirting with trees and
howling at the moon.

I mean, come on. (laughs)

It's more than that.

It's about tapping into the
feminine collective and healing.

Are you sure this is
sage you're burning?

No offense, Tina, but this
is why I didn't invite you.

You have a tendency to
be a teeny, tiny bit

obnoxiously judgmental.

Well, I think "the collective"
tapped you in your head.

'Cause you're falling
for some New Age baloney.

(Gemma laughs)

It is not baloney.

And, you know, Aria was wrong.

Your aura isn't beautiful!

It's just okay!

Yeah. Here you go, Mr. Thief.

Ooh, please try to
steal from me tonight.

'Cause when I catch your ass,

you won't have fingers to steal,

legs to run, or a
mouth to beg for mercy!

That's right. We're gonna make
him go directly to jail. Yes.

Lock him in the pokey,
send him to the big house!

Whatever it takes to
scare him straight.

'Cause there's one thing I can't
stand, Dave... that's a thief.

Especially one that
tries to steal from me.

Come on!

This is exciting.

It's like a real-life stakeout.

I feel like Will
Smith from Bad Boys.

Dave,

if anybody is Will, it's me.

I'm at least two
inches taller than you,

and America loves me.

(metallic clinking nearby)

You hear that?

(clinking continues)
It's the thief!

They've come back for
the parts. Go, Dave!

Stop!

CALVIN: I'm getting
too old for this!

They're out here somewhere.

There he is. Get him!
I got you, you...

Where are you
going? No, no, no.

Come here, you dirty rascal.
Look here.

I hope you like your
toilets in your bedroom.

Yeah. You're done, bro.

Yeah.

Uh... Lady bro?

Ms. Bro? I...

Look, I'm sorry. Uh,
what are your pronouns?

She, her. I'm a girl.

Which probably explains
why I make less as a thief.

You're-you're just a kid.

What are you doing
stealing car parts?

Because Enrique needs them.

Yeah, there it is.

Always some dude.

Yeah, you know, steal
for yourself, young lady.

You're better than that.

Enrique is my car.
I'm restoring him.

That's a '63 Impala.

Looks pretty good. There's
no way you fixed this car up.

Esta chica puede arreglar
un carro mejor que tú.

What'd you say to me?

She said, she can fix
a car better than you.

What? I am quasi-fluent in
all the romance languages.

Yeah.

Yeah, whatever.

Just because you put a cotton
candy air freshener in there

doesn't make you a
certified mechanic.

You know what does?

Dropping in a 427-cubic-inch
V-8 engine in.

And I changed the
exhaust to Flowmasters.

Oh, my baby Enrique
is loud. Oh.

She really does know her
stuff. Sorry. Excuse me.

My car right now is
making the weirdest noise.

Hmm. Okay. It
just goes, "Urgh."

(siren chirps)

Okay, please. I'll give
you your stuff back.

Oh, so now you want
to humble yourself

now that you got caught?

Big surprise. It's you, Yoli.

Let me guess. Car parts?

Yeah. So what are you
gonna do? Call her parents?

Make her clean up trash
on the side of the freeway

in one of those really
unflattering orange vests?

No. I'm arresting her.

But I-I can't do this to my...
I told you the last time,

no more warnings.

I need you guys to meet
us down at the station.

Come on, man. I can't
go to jail. Please?

Okay, Officer, look.

I'm not gonna press charges.

Really? Are you sure, sir?

Yeah, I don't think

putting her in the system
is gonna solve the problem.

All right.

Free to go.

Don't make him wrong, Yoli.

Thanks. That was
really cool of you.

Look, you're a kid,

and you made some bad decisions.

I'm giving you an opportunity
for a second chance.

Thanks.

Deuces.

Hey, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.

No, this second chance
comes with two conditions.

One... you work for me,

and two... you work for me.

(laughs softly)
I don't think so.

Oh, really? Dave, why don't
you call the cops back?

DAVE: Yup. Okay,
okay. You win.

All right, I'll
expect to see you

at my shop tomorrow.

And this time, you're invited.

And make sure you're on time.

Deuces.

Ooh, ooh, have to grab my car
parts. Come on. Oh, you...

Oh! The renovations are
starting to come together.

Marty, the kitchen sink
is in the living room.

Yeah, and at this rate,

we're gonna be at your
house another two months.

What? Mama, that is
1,460 hours. Uh...

Not that I was counting. Yeah.

Ooh. Oh.

No!

Necie's out there, and
she's headed to our house.

She's trying to
break up with me.

No. No, no, no.
No. No breakup.

You like this girl,
and more importantly,

I like this girl.
Let me talk to her.

Mom, no. I can handle
this on my own.

I'm not a kid.

But if I do get dumped, can
you have your shoulders ready,

and can you please make
my favorite hot chocolate?

Oh. I got you, baby.

Mommy'll whip you up a batch
from the... living room sink.

Hey. Oh!

Hey! You almost
got me. (laughs)

You would've deserved it.

Marty, why are you ghosting me?

If you're gonna break up with
me, at least do it to my face.

What? I thought you
wanted to break up with me

because you untagged yourself
from our picture on Instagram.

Oh.

I untagged the picture from
my professional account.

I can't be slurping
spaghetti on my boxing page.

Unlike you, cute
is not my brand.

Y-You're right. I
am cute. (laughs)

You know, you have no
reason to feel insecure.

You got me, boo.

And guess what, boo?
You got me, too.

(quietly): Yes.

No.

(knocking)

Knock, knock.

Oh, if it isn't the Jolly Green
Goddess of Evergreen Drive.

Well, usually I travel
by astral plane,

but I decided to walk over.

Tina, I am really
sorry about this mess.

I should have told you I
was exploring mysticism.

Why did you keep it
such a big secret?

I knew you'd think all
this stuff was silly,

but after my miscarriage,

I was searching for a way
to work through my pain.

Nothing worked until I met Aria.

That goddess group
really helped me heal.

Wow, Gemma. I had no idea.

And I'm glad you found
the healing you needed.

And I'm sorry. I-I would
never mock anything

that's important to you...

except maybe your husband.

(laughs)

Yeah, well, we all do that.

But just for the record,

you are a big source of
positive energy in my life.

That's mutual. (laughs softly)

And you know you can talk
to me about anything, right?

I do.

All right. Well, now
that you're a goddess...

(Gemma laughs)

can you invoke anything to
speed up my damn renovations?

Hey, I am just stepping
into my feminine power.

I can't work miracles yet.

But I can make a
bottle of wine appear.

What? Ta-da!

Ooh!

Amen! I mean, A-woman.

Thanks

for not pressing charges.

I brought back everything.

Even the things you
didn't notice I stole.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No. The deal we made is
that you work for me.

That's part of the bargain.

Oh.

You were serious about that?

Yes. Now I may
not call the cops,

but somebody in this
neighborhood knows your parents,

and I will call them.

(scoffs) Good luck.

My papi got deported when I was
12, and my mom works doubles.

So, I take care of myself.

That's tough.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It is what it is.

Enrique was actually
my dad's car.

We were working on him together,

and I was trying to
finish him for when...

if he gets back
into the country.

Well, he did a good
job teaching you.

You just need to use
your talents in a way

that keeps you off
my security cameras.

Where are those cameras?

You don't need to
worry about that.

You're right.

Hey, have you ever installed
a throttle shifter?

No.

But I did try to steal one once.

Well, don't try to
steal one twice.

I'm nice, not stupid.

Here. Watch and learn.

Well, I got to say,
your '63 Impala is nice,

but it's not factory original.

The '63s came with chrome
mirrors and not stainless steel.

Sorry, viejo, but '63s
definitely came with stainless.

Oh, really?

If only there was a way we
could figure out who was right.

Okay.

(chuckles) Oh, yeah.

Yeah, here it is right here.

1963 Impala... chrome...
and stainless steel mirrors.

So I was right.

And I was also right, right?

Yeah, but I was more right
because chrome was first.

Oh. (laughs)

All right, well, we've done
enough for today, all right?

You can get on out of here.

Uh, I saw a Buick in the back.

Do you need any help with that?

Sure. Why don't
you call your mom

and let her know
you're gonna be late.

I'll text her.

(laughter)

(laughs) I don't
know what she said,

but I'm gonna take
it as a compliment.

(laughs)

Hey, hey, get back to work.

♪ Whoa, my love

♪ My darling... ♪

Okay, now only three
of our followers

are gonna get this
Ghost reference,

but those three people
are gonna really like it.

The only follower I
care about is you.

♪ Lonely time... ♪

More clay?

As much as you've got. Mm.

What the hell

kind of freaky mating
ritual was that?

I got to tell Tina.

♪ This is the dawning
of the age of Aquarius ♪

♪ Age of Aquarius... ♪

What in the hell kind of
freaky female ritual is this?

I got to tell Dave.

♪ Aquarius... ♪

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