The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Episode #1.14 - full transcript
Oh, baby, look whats in this box.
It's all of Marty and Malcolm's
old school projects.
I remember staying up all night
helping Malcolm build this volcano.
You know we even got spaghetti
sauce to shoot out the top?
Aw, I remember.
And Marty scraped it off the
walls with garlic bread.
Those were some good
memories, weren't they?
Yeah. Real good memories.
Ah, its trash.
How could you just throw that away?
Those were some special
memories of Malcolm.
Why we need memories?
The real thing is laying
on our couch right now.
Ha ha!
Look at this, baby, my old beeper.
You know, I remember when
you used to blow me up
whenever you wanted a little
late-night booty call.
I never had your beeper number.
Well, look at that. You know what?
This ain't even my beeper.
Trash. Yep. Lets go.
Ooh, ahoy, Captain Calvin!
Hey, Dave.
Just getting my daily steps in.
Well, you can get in a bunch
more if you just keep walking.
You know, I am actually
a few steps short.
Good.
Uh, Dave, Dave, Dave, stop that.
Your making me dizzy. Stop circling me.
Yeah, no problem. I'll go the other way.
Whoa.
You throwing all this stuff out?
Yeah, its just a bunch of trash.
Well, maybe to you, but not to everyone.
You know what?
You should have a yard sale.
A yard sale?
In this neighborhood? I don't think so.
Why, whats wrong with our neighborhood?
Oh, nothing. Nothing. There's
a lot of good people here.
You know, hardworking, God-fearing,
and I wouldn't trust a
single one of them.
And I don't want to waste my time
with a bunch of people
trying to hustle me
so I can make a few bucks.
Hustle you? Oh, come on,
Calvin, that's crazy.
Oh. You want to hear some crazy? Okay.
You see that house down there?
They claimed Malcolm and
Marty on their taxes
six years straight.
And see those wires hanging from there?
That guy is stealing the
other family's cable.
But they're running an illegal day care,
so they cant say nothing about it.
Oh, man, I thought that
was a beauty salon.
Oh, yeah, they do that, too.
Look, man,
everybody around here's
just trying to get by.
I just don't want them getting by on me.
Well, I guess that's how you
and I are different, Calvin.
I choose to believe that the
world isn't out to get me.
Okay. You come see me
once you find out Grover
cosigned for a motorcycle.
Yard sale.
All right, man. I will
tell you, you know,
last yard sale I had, I
cleared a cool grand.
Hold on, hold up.
You made 1,000 bucks?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
Well, ahoy, Dave.
Cause I know my craps got to
be worth more than your crap.
I'm having me a yard sale.
Well, you know, I'm happy to help out.
Well, thank you.
And in return, I'm gonna do you a solid.
You see that extension cord
running from your attic window?
Yeah.
You're supplying the
power to the day care.
Ooh, this is gonna be great.
I cant wait to meet
more of our neighbors.
Me, neither. Especially the ones
named Benjamin, Washington and Jackson.
All right, Pop.
Here you go. Good luck
with your yard sale, bro.
Hold on, whoa. Where are you going?
I was going to the library.
Oh, no. No, you and Marty
are in charge of security.
What?
Well, whats it pay?
Room and board.
Fine, Ill start today.
Do I get a weapon?
Sure. Yeah.
Here's a whistle
and a wooden spoon.
Don't be afraid to use them.
Oh, great, Pop. If a bowl of soup
tries to steal something, I'm ready.
Hey, you guys. We picked
you up some coffee
and a dozen doughnuts.
Uh, 9 3/4 doughnuts.
See, I told you he was too quiet
in the back of the car.
True.
But way to use your fractions.
Hey, hey, look what I found.
A box full of kitchen gadgets
from all those late-night infomercials.
I remember that stuff.
Whenever that commercial said "act now,"
your mama did.
I had to. Supplies were limited.
Marty, put all that stuff
on the dollar table.
All right.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh-uh.
You're not selling my infomercial stuff.
Put that box back where you found it.
Okay.
Come on, Tina.
You've never used any of this junk.
Its not junk.
And I haven't used any of it
yet.
Marty.
Okay.
Marty.
Marty.
Martin Lawrence Butler.
Its not about you, its about them.
Its not about you, its about them.
Boy, give me this box!
There's some good stuff in here.
Like-like-like this thingy.
Oh, my God, is that a Choppy Chopper?
I've always wanted to try one of these.
Finally someone who appreciates
my infomercial instincts.
You never even tried it yourself.
Well, that all changes today.
Lets go to my house
and choppity-chop something.
Okay, Gemma. Lets go.
Don't wait up.
Well, enjoy that toaster, my man.
Looks like somebody got some new teeth.
Hey, Shanice.
You know what, this will
make a great baby bassinet.
You add a few bungee cords,
you got you a car seat.
Throw some sandwiches in there,
you going to a picnic. Hmm? Look.
Calvin, this is the best yard sale
I have ever been to.
I've met so many fantastic people.
Did you know that Anita
was in the Peace Corps?
Or that Mr. Dorsett just
retired from teaching
after 50 years?
A-And Germaine
with the face tattoo? He
says if anybody asks,
that he has been here all day.
You know, I've actually been having
a pretty good time, myself.
Uh-huh.
I sold everything on table two,
and then I sold table two.
Oh, oh, man! Well, whats your secret?
Watch and learn.
Hey, you know, just so you know,
this grill used to belong to Tupac.
Yeah, he made a hell of a rib eye.
You know, one time he had a barbecue,
and he didn't invite Biggie, and...
Well, you know the rest.
Oh, okay.
Ah!
Calvin, what are you doing?
You just lied to that guy for money.
Well, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't
lie to him for no reason.
That would be messed up.
Uh, hey, Marty.
What is with the sunglasses, bro?
Its a little security trick I picked up
so nobody can see where I'm looking.
Right now I got my eye
on that guy over there
licking the nine-volt batteries.
You know, that's nothing.
A minute ago he was licking
the sewing machine.
Yeah, I better go shut that down.
Hey, man! Store policy:
You lick it, you buy it.
How you doing, Miss Simpson?
Well, I'm still above ground, ain't I?
Listen, how much y'all want
for this porcelain angel?
Well, you know, there's a very
special story about this angel.
When...
Cut the crap.
I'll give you three dollars for it.
How about four dollars?
How about two dollars?
Okay. Fine, two dollars.
Okay. Here's a dollar.
You know this is a Canadian dollar.
Oh, this is awesome.
This is so much fun. What
else can we choppity-chop?
Okay, we've done the fruits,
we've done the vegetables.
Oh, wait, whats this?
I chopped your kitchen sponge.
I get it. Once you start,
you cant stoppity-stop.
Lets try another gadget.
Whats next?
Okay.
Depends upon what
you're in the mood for.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, we've got our
hard-boiled egg sheller.
Oh.
Or we have
a bear claw meat shredder.
And we have this thing that makes
pancakes in the shapes of presidents.
Oh, it only goes up to Reagan.
Well, it was the 80s.
You just throw a little
maple syrup on it,
and boom! We got Obama. Huh?
Cal! Calvin!
You are not gonna believe this.
What?
I thought that one of your
statuettes looked familiar,
so I went inside to go look it up
in my guide to antique
dolls and figurines.
Gemmas guide to antique
dolls and figurines.
Look, the point is
it is a genuine Montolfo
worth $1,500.
$1,500? Well, all right!
Which one is it?
Oh.
Here you go, look. Right there.
Its the porcelain angel.
The porcelain angel?
Ah!
You were right.
Your crap is way better than mine.
You sold a $1,500 Montolfo angel
for one dollar?
A Canadian dollar.
You see, Dave, this is exactly why
I didn't want to do a yard sale.
I didn't want to be hustled.
She didn't hustle you. She
made an honest mistake.
And I'm sure if we go
talk to Miss Simpson,
shell give the angel back to you.
If you believe that shes
gonna give me something back
worth $1,500,
then I've got Snoop Doggs
humidifier to sell you.
Okay, well, you're never gonna
get it if you Don't try.
Fine. Come on, man.
Hey, boys, look,
Dave and I are leaving,
so I'm promoting you
from security to sales.
You get to keep half
of whatever you sell.
Wait, wait, wait, Pop. But all
the good stuff is gone, man.
I know. That's why you're getting half.
Malcolm!
Congratulations, brother.
Yeah, for what?
Well, this is your first promotion.
That's very funny.
You know, we should just throw
all this crap away, man.
Nobody gonna buy any of it.
Here's six dollars. I just
sold a broken cell phone.
What? Wait, hey.
How do you do that?
I was just pretending to
talk to Batman on it.
Some lady said I was cute and bought it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just because you were cute?
I get that a lot.
I cant believe it. All
of these TV gadgets
actually worked the way
they were supposed to.
I know.
And Calvin was giving me a hard time.
These things were worth every
easy payment of $19.99.
But wait, there's more!
These kitchen knives can filet a salmon,
slice a soda can and even
cut through handcuffs.
I wish I had known
that on Valentines Day
when Calvin lost the key.
Wait a minute. Do you smell smoke?
Are the pancakes burning?
Maybe we forgot to flip Nixon.
No, no, no. Tricky Dick is looking good.
Its my super slick,
non-stick panini press!
Oh, oh, okay.
Wait. Wait. Don't wet it.
Don't wet it too much!
Get out of the way. Okay.
Hit it. Hit it.
Thanks again for letting us
try these at your house.
What am I gonna do with a
30-year-old fax machine?
And is that beef jerky jammed in it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh. Well, I-I was six years old
and I tried to fax it
to my brother at camp.
Uh, you know, hey, I'm
sorry, little guy.
Looks like you're gonna have to
wait just a little while longer
to get those, um, eyeglasses.
Yeah, man, the headaches
should go away soon.
Its okay. I understand.
Oh, no. Oh. No. No.
Excuse me, sir.
Here's a ten.
Get that boy some glasses.
Yes, ma'am.
Bless you.
Bless you.
God bless you.
How was that?
That was perfect. Give me some.
Yes. Now, how do we unload
this one Rollerblade?
Huh. Oh, hey, can you cry on cue?
What do you think?
Oh-ho, I think we gonna get paid.
I have to tell you, Miss Simpson,
you have a lovely home.
Yes.
Love the plastic on the couch.
No crumbs in your cracks.
You have to forgive him.
This is only the second
black home hes been in.
The first one didn't want him either.
So, actually, were here
because Calvin has
something to tell you about the
angel that you bought from him.
Isn't that right, Calvin?
Well, spit it out.
Unless you got something
else to say about my cracks.
Oh, oh. Okay.
Um... now, I'm gonna
be straight with you.
When I first sold you
that angel figurine,
I didn't realize how valuable
it is...
to... our family, and no one else.
Really, Calvin?
Yes.
It-it was given to my grandfather
by a cranky old white lady
he used to drive around down south.
Now, she was a real piece of work.
She was...
but they grew to respect
each other in the end.
That sounds just like that
movie Driving Miss Daisy.
Really?
I never seen it.
At any rate, I'm, uh...
I'm willing to buy the angel back...
for $20.
$20? Good. I'll get it for you.
Okay.
Good.
I cannot believe that you lied to her.
I know. I've seen that
movie, like, three times.
Okay, so Dad gets half.
Which means we get to split the rest.
This is not a bad Saturday.
I mean, I can almost pay
Mom and Dad some rent.
I'm not.
But I could.
And, Grover, here is a whole
ten dollars.
Yeah, hey, little man,
we could not have done this without you.
Yeah.
I know, which is why I want more.
Uh, more?
Yeah, like, how much more?
Uh, 50 sounds good.
What? Are you out of
your rabbit-ass mind?!
I sold everything you told me to.
I even let those old ladies mess
my hair and pinch my cheeks.
And you think that's worth $50?
I pretended to be
blind
for you.
Malcolm, pay the boy.
Nice try.
This ones Canadian.
Well, that was one hell of a mess.
Oh, you should have tried cleaning it up
with the super-absorbent Sponge-O-Matic.
I did, but after one
minute it started to burn.
I think my thumbprints are gone.
Ugh. You know,
I hate to say it, but Calvin was right.
I Don't know why I was
so determined to hold on
to all that junk.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
You're not the only one
who holds on to stuff.
Damn, that's one ugly-ass baby!
Hey, that's Grover.
I paid an artist on Etsy
to capture him on a plate.
You actually spent money
on a Grover plate?
No. I spent money on a complete set
of Grover plates.
Oh, Gemma, these are
bad.
I mean, these are really bad.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you know what its
like when you're a new mom.
You're sleep-deprived.
I would just order stuff
on Etsy and eBay.
Yeah, I bought all that stuff
off those infomercials
doing my late-night
feedings with my boys.
Oh, man, those first few
months were so brutal.
Ugh.
I was exhausted all the time.
Constantly changing diapers.
Covered in spit-up.
It never stopped.
I am so glad that's all behind me.
So am I.
But, God, I miss it.
Me, too.
He may have looked like this,
but he smelled like heaven.
Oh... And I miss
Marty and Malcolms little toes. Oh...
Now they just have big, smelly man feet.
Mm.
You know,
maybe I kept all that kitchen
crap because it connects me
to when the boys were little.
Maybe that's why I cant
bring myself to get rid of
these ceramic nightmares.
Whats up, ladies?
Anyone wanna see me make it rain?
Grover!
What...?
Oh, no.
You know what?
You might want to have another one
just in case that one goes bad.
I see you looking at me, Dave.
And its not gonna work.
I've already forgiven me.
You know what, Calvin, you were right.
This neighborhood is full
of scammers and slicksters.
And I'm looking at the
biggest one right now.
I'm sorry, did you say something?
I was already spending my
angel money in my head.
Well, you know, since I'm a
part of this neighborhood now,
I'm gonna get in on the action.
What are you doing?
I'm stealing from her,
like I learned from you.
Come on, man, put it back.
No. You know what, as a matter of fact,
I'm taking this remote control, too.
Have fun standing up to change
your channels, old lady.
Look, stop playing, man.
Old ladies keep guns.
Give it here. Hey...
What the hell are y'all doing?
Oh, nothing.
Whats that in your pocket?
Nothing.
Are you trying to steal from me?
That's it, I'm calling
my grandson Jay-Bo.
Hes only got one strike.
Whoa.
Please, please Don't do that.
Look, he was only trying to
get me to do the right thing
and tell you that that angel...
was a valuable antique worth $1,500.
Yes, and he has seen Driving Miss Daisy.
$1,500?
Yeah. Look, sorry for not
being up front with you,
but... seeing that I have now,
because I'm a good person,
what do you say we split it?
Well, $750 is a lot of money.
It sure is.
Now, would you see that.
When you give people the chance...
But $1,500 is a lot more.
Now, y'all get up out of here.
What?
What?
You heard me, beat it.
But, Miss Simpson, he
just told you the truth.
I know, and that's why I'm giving you
a five-second head start
before I get my pistol.
Okay, hold... But, Miss Simpson,
I think...
Four, three...
Okay, Dave, lets go. Go, go, go, go, go!
I feel like a fool.
I'm listening.
I honestly thought if
we told her the truth,
that she would do the right thing.
Well, actually, she did
do the right thing.
I mean, in this neighborhood,
a five-second head start is
very
generous.
Well, you know, maybe she
really needed the money.
For medicine, food, rent.
Keep dreaming, Dave.
Because come Sunday,
she is on a church bus to Vegas.
Well, you know, in that
case, I Don't feel so bad.
About what?
I still got her clock.
Well, give it here,
because I paid $1,500 for this thing.
Yo, man!
You got my grandmas clock!
Jay-Bo?
It's all of Marty and Malcolm's
old school projects.
I remember staying up all night
helping Malcolm build this volcano.
You know we even got spaghetti
sauce to shoot out the top?
Aw, I remember.
And Marty scraped it off the
walls with garlic bread.
Those were some good
memories, weren't they?
Yeah. Real good memories.
Ah, its trash.
How could you just throw that away?
Those were some special
memories of Malcolm.
Why we need memories?
The real thing is laying
on our couch right now.
Ha ha!
Look at this, baby, my old beeper.
You know, I remember when
you used to blow me up
whenever you wanted a little
late-night booty call.
I never had your beeper number.
Well, look at that. You know what?
This ain't even my beeper.
Trash. Yep. Lets go.
Ooh, ahoy, Captain Calvin!
Hey, Dave.
Just getting my daily steps in.
Well, you can get in a bunch
more if you just keep walking.
You know, I am actually
a few steps short.
Good.
Uh, Dave, Dave, Dave, stop that.
Your making me dizzy. Stop circling me.
Yeah, no problem. I'll go the other way.
Whoa.
You throwing all this stuff out?
Yeah, its just a bunch of trash.
Well, maybe to you, but not to everyone.
You know what?
You should have a yard sale.
A yard sale?
In this neighborhood? I don't think so.
Why, whats wrong with our neighborhood?
Oh, nothing. Nothing. There's
a lot of good people here.
You know, hardworking, God-fearing,
and I wouldn't trust a
single one of them.
And I don't want to waste my time
with a bunch of people
trying to hustle me
so I can make a few bucks.
Hustle you? Oh, come on,
Calvin, that's crazy.
Oh. You want to hear some crazy? Okay.
You see that house down there?
They claimed Malcolm and
Marty on their taxes
six years straight.
And see those wires hanging from there?
That guy is stealing the
other family's cable.
But they're running an illegal day care,
so they cant say nothing about it.
Oh, man, I thought that
was a beauty salon.
Oh, yeah, they do that, too.
Look, man,
everybody around here's
just trying to get by.
I just don't want them getting by on me.
Well, I guess that's how you
and I are different, Calvin.
I choose to believe that the
world isn't out to get me.
Okay. You come see me
once you find out Grover
cosigned for a motorcycle.
Yard sale.
All right, man. I will
tell you, you know,
last yard sale I had, I
cleared a cool grand.
Hold on, hold up.
You made 1,000 bucks?
Oh, yeah. That's right.
Well, ahoy, Dave.
Cause I know my craps got to
be worth more than your crap.
I'm having me a yard sale.
Well, you know, I'm happy to help out.
Well, thank you.
And in return, I'm gonna do you a solid.
You see that extension cord
running from your attic window?
Yeah.
You're supplying the
power to the day care.
Ooh, this is gonna be great.
I cant wait to meet
more of our neighbors.
Me, neither. Especially the ones
named Benjamin, Washington and Jackson.
All right, Pop.
Here you go. Good luck
with your yard sale, bro.
Hold on, whoa. Where are you going?
I was going to the library.
Oh, no. No, you and Marty
are in charge of security.
What?
Well, whats it pay?
Room and board.
Fine, Ill start today.
Do I get a weapon?
Sure. Yeah.
Here's a whistle
and a wooden spoon.
Don't be afraid to use them.
Oh, great, Pop. If a bowl of soup
tries to steal something, I'm ready.
Hey, you guys. We picked
you up some coffee
and a dozen doughnuts.
Uh, 9 3/4 doughnuts.
See, I told you he was too quiet
in the back of the car.
True.
But way to use your fractions.
Hey, hey, look what I found.
A box full of kitchen gadgets
from all those late-night infomercials.
I remember that stuff.
Whenever that commercial said "act now,"
your mama did.
I had to. Supplies were limited.
Marty, put all that stuff
on the dollar table.
All right.
Oh, no, no, no, no. Uh-uh-uh.
You're not selling my infomercial stuff.
Put that box back where you found it.
Okay.
Come on, Tina.
You've never used any of this junk.
Its not junk.
And I haven't used any of it
yet.
Marty.
Okay.
Marty.
Marty.
Martin Lawrence Butler.
Its not about you, its about them.
Its not about you, its about them.
Boy, give me this box!
There's some good stuff in here.
Like-like-like this thingy.
Oh, my God, is that a Choppy Chopper?
I've always wanted to try one of these.
Finally someone who appreciates
my infomercial instincts.
You never even tried it yourself.
Well, that all changes today.
Lets go to my house
and choppity-chop something.
Okay, Gemma. Lets go.
Don't wait up.
Well, enjoy that toaster, my man.
Looks like somebody got some new teeth.
Hey, Shanice.
You know what, this will
make a great baby bassinet.
You add a few bungee cords,
you got you a car seat.
Throw some sandwiches in there,
you going to a picnic. Hmm? Look.
Calvin, this is the best yard sale
I have ever been to.
I've met so many fantastic people.
Did you know that Anita
was in the Peace Corps?
Or that Mr. Dorsett just
retired from teaching
after 50 years?
A-And Germaine
with the face tattoo? He
says if anybody asks,
that he has been here all day.
You know, I've actually been having
a pretty good time, myself.
Uh-huh.
I sold everything on table two,
and then I sold table two.
Oh, oh, man! Well, whats your secret?
Watch and learn.
Hey, you know, just so you know,
this grill used to belong to Tupac.
Yeah, he made a hell of a rib eye.
You know, one time he had a barbecue,
and he didn't invite Biggie, and...
Well, you know the rest.
Oh, okay.
Ah!
Calvin, what are you doing?
You just lied to that guy for money.
Well, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't
lie to him for no reason.
That would be messed up.
Uh, hey, Marty.
What is with the sunglasses, bro?
Its a little security trick I picked up
so nobody can see where I'm looking.
Right now I got my eye
on that guy over there
licking the nine-volt batteries.
You know, that's nothing.
A minute ago he was licking
the sewing machine.
Yeah, I better go shut that down.
Hey, man! Store policy:
You lick it, you buy it.
How you doing, Miss Simpson?
Well, I'm still above ground, ain't I?
Listen, how much y'all want
for this porcelain angel?
Well, you know, there's a very
special story about this angel.
When...
Cut the crap.
I'll give you three dollars for it.
How about four dollars?
How about two dollars?
Okay. Fine, two dollars.
Okay. Here's a dollar.
You know this is a Canadian dollar.
Oh, this is awesome.
This is so much fun. What
else can we choppity-chop?
Okay, we've done the fruits,
we've done the vegetables.
Oh, wait, whats this?
I chopped your kitchen sponge.
I get it. Once you start,
you cant stoppity-stop.
Lets try another gadget.
Whats next?
Okay.
Depends upon what
you're in the mood for.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, we've got our
hard-boiled egg sheller.
Oh.
Or we have
a bear claw meat shredder.
And we have this thing that makes
pancakes in the shapes of presidents.
Oh, it only goes up to Reagan.
Well, it was the 80s.
You just throw a little
maple syrup on it,
and boom! We got Obama. Huh?
Cal! Calvin!
You are not gonna believe this.
What?
I thought that one of your
statuettes looked familiar,
so I went inside to go look it up
in my guide to antique
dolls and figurines.
Gemmas guide to antique
dolls and figurines.
Look, the point is
it is a genuine Montolfo
worth $1,500.
$1,500? Well, all right!
Which one is it?
Oh.
Here you go, look. Right there.
Its the porcelain angel.
The porcelain angel?
Ah!
You were right.
Your crap is way better than mine.
You sold a $1,500 Montolfo angel
for one dollar?
A Canadian dollar.
You see, Dave, this is exactly why
I didn't want to do a yard sale.
I didn't want to be hustled.
She didn't hustle you. She
made an honest mistake.
And I'm sure if we go
talk to Miss Simpson,
shell give the angel back to you.
If you believe that shes
gonna give me something back
worth $1,500,
then I've got Snoop Doggs
humidifier to sell you.
Okay, well, you're never gonna
get it if you Don't try.
Fine. Come on, man.
Hey, boys, look,
Dave and I are leaving,
so I'm promoting you
from security to sales.
You get to keep half
of whatever you sell.
Wait, wait, wait, Pop. But all
the good stuff is gone, man.
I know. That's why you're getting half.
Malcolm!
Congratulations, brother.
Yeah, for what?
Well, this is your first promotion.
That's very funny.
You know, we should just throw
all this crap away, man.
Nobody gonna buy any of it.
Here's six dollars. I just
sold a broken cell phone.
What? Wait, hey.
How do you do that?
I was just pretending to
talk to Batman on it.
Some lady said I was cute and bought it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Just because you were cute?
I get that a lot.
I cant believe it. All
of these TV gadgets
actually worked the way
they were supposed to.
I know.
And Calvin was giving me a hard time.
These things were worth every
easy payment of $19.99.
But wait, there's more!
These kitchen knives can filet a salmon,
slice a soda can and even
cut through handcuffs.
I wish I had known
that on Valentines Day
when Calvin lost the key.
Wait a minute. Do you smell smoke?
Are the pancakes burning?
Maybe we forgot to flip Nixon.
No, no, no. Tricky Dick is looking good.
Its my super slick,
non-stick panini press!
Oh, oh, okay.
Wait. Wait. Don't wet it.
Don't wet it too much!
Get out of the way. Okay.
Hit it. Hit it.
Thanks again for letting us
try these at your house.
What am I gonna do with a
30-year-old fax machine?
And is that beef jerky jammed in it?
Oh, yeah.
Oh. Well, I-I was six years old
and I tried to fax it
to my brother at camp.
Uh, you know, hey, I'm
sorry, little guy.
Looks like you're gonna have to
wait just a little while longer
to get those, um, eyeglasses.
Yeah, man, the headaches
should go away soon.
Its okay. I understand.
Oh, no. Oh. No. No.
Excuse me, sir.
Here's a ten.
Get that boy some glasses.
Yes, ma'am.
Bless you.
Bless you.
God bless you.
How was that?
That was perfect. Give me some.
Yes. Now, how do we unload
this one Rollerblade?
Huh. Oh, hey, can you cry on cue?
What do you think?
Oh-ho, I think we gonna get paid.
I have to tell you, Miss Simpson,
you have a lovely home.
Yes.
Love the plastic on the couch.
No crumbs in your cracks.
You have to forgive him.
This is only the second
black home hes been in.
The first one didn't want him either.
So, actually, were here
because Calvin has
something to tell you about the
angel that you bought from him.
Isn't that right, Calvin?
Well, spit it out.
Unless you got something
else to say about my cracks.
Oh, oh. Okay.
Um... now, I'm gonna
be straight with you.
When I first sold you
that angel figurine,
I didn't realize how valuable
it is...
to... our family, and no one else.
Really, Calvin?
Yes.
It-it was given to my grandfather
by a cranky old white lady
he used to drive around down south.
Now, she was a real piece of work.
She was...
but they grew to respect
each other in the end.
That sounds just like that
movie Driving Miss Daisy.
Really?
I never seen it.
At any rate, I'm, uh...
I'm willing to buy the angel back...
for $20.
$20? Good. I'll get it for you.
Okay.
Good.
I cannot believe that you lied to her.
I know. I've seen that
movie, like, three times.
Okay, so Dad gets half.
Which means we get to split the rest.
This is not a bad Saturday.
I mean, I can almost pay
Mom and Dad some rent.
I'm not.
But I could.
And, Grover, here is a whole
ten dollars.
Yeah, hey, little man,
we could not have done this without you.
Yeah.
I know, which is why I want more.
Uh, more?
Yeah, like, how much more?
Uh, 50 sounds good.
What? Are you out of
your rabbit-ass mind?!
I sold everything you told me to.
I even let those old ladies mess
my hair and pinch my cheeks.
And you think that's worth $50?
I pretended to be
blind
for you.
Malcolm, pay the boy.
Nice try.
This ones Canadian.
Well, that was one hell of a mess.
Oh, you should have tried cleaning it up
with the super-absorbent Sponge-O-Matic.
I did, but after one
minute it started to burn.
I think my thumbprints are gone.
Ugh. You know,
I hate to say it, but Calvin was right.
I Don't know why I was
so determined to hold on
to all that junk.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
You're not the only one
who holds on to stuff.
Damn, that's one ugly-ass baby!
Hey, that's Grover.
I paid an artist on Etsy
to capture him on a plate.
You actually spent money
on a Grover plate?
No. I spent money on a complete set
of Grover plates.
Oh, Gemma, these are
bad.
I mean, these are really bad.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you know what its
like when you're a new mom.
You're sleep-deprived.
I would just order stuff
on Etsy and eBay.
Yeah, I bought all that stuff
off those infomercials
doing my late-night
feedings with my boys.
Oh, man, those first few
months were so brutal.
Ugh.
I was exhausted all the time.
Constantly changing diapers.
Covered in spit-up.
It never stopped.
I am so glad that's all behind me.
So am I.
But, God, I miss it.
Me, too.
He may have looked like this,
but he smelled like heaven.
Oh... And I miss
Marty and Malcolms little toes. Oh...
Now they just have big, smelly man feet.
Mm.
You know,
maybe I kept all that kitchen
crap because it connects me
to when the boys were little.
Maybe that's why I cant
bring myself to get rid of
these ceramic nightmares.
Whats up, ladies?
Anyone wanna see me make it rain?
Grover!
What...?
Oh, no.
You know what?
You might want to have another one
just in case that one goes bad.
I see you looking at me, Dave.
And its not gonna work.
I've already forgiven me.
You know what, Calvin, you were right.
This neighborhood is full
of scammers and slicksters.
And I'm looking at the
biggest one right now.
I'm sorry, did you say something?
I was already spending my
angel money in my head.
Well, you know, since I'm a
part of this neighborhood now,
I'm gonna get in on the action.
What are you doing?
I'm stealing from her,
like I learned from you.
Come on, man, put it back.
No. You know what, as a matter of fact,
I'm taking this remote control, too.
Have fun standing up to change
your channels, old lady.
Look, stop playing, man.
Old ladies keep guns.
Give it here. Hey...
What the hell are y'all doing?
Oh, nothing.
Whats that in your pocket?
Nothing.
Are you trying to steal from me?
That's it, I'm calling
my grandson Jay-Bo.
Hes only got one strike.
Whoa.
Please, please Don't do that.
Look, he was only trying to
get me to do the right thing
and tell you that that angel...
was a valuable antique worth $1,500.
Yes, and he has seen Driving Miss Daisy.
$1,500?
Yeah. Look, sorry for not
being up front with you,
but... seeing that I have now,
because I'm a good person,
what do you say we split it?
Well, $750 is a lot of money.
It sure is.
Now, would you see that.
When you give people the chance...
But $1,500 is a lot more.
Now, y'all get up out of here.
What?
What?
You heard me, beat it.
But, Miss Simpson, he
just told you the truth.
I know, and that's why I'm giving you
a five-second head start
before I get my pistol.
Okay, hold... But, Miss Simpson,
I think...
Four, three...
Okay, Dave, lets go. Go, go, go, go, go!
I feel like a fool.
I'm listening.
I honestly thought if
we told her the truth,
that she would do the right thing.
Well, actually, she did
do the right thing.
I mean, in this neighborhood,
a five-second head start is
very
generous.
Well, you know, maybe she
really needed the money.
For medicine, food, rent.
Keep dreaming, Dave.
Because come Sunday,
she is on a church bus to Vegas.
Well, you know, in that
case, I Don't feel so bad.
About what?
I still got her clock.
Well, give it here,
because I paid $1,500 for this thing.
Yo, man!
You got my grandmas clock!
Jay-Bo?