The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Welcome to Fight Night - full transcript

Son. Why have you been
eating my Fruity Puffs?

What Fruity Puffs?

Mom doesn't let you have
those sugar cereals anymore.

"Let me have"?

Nobody lets me have anything.

I'm not scared of your mama.

Okay. Well, I didn't
see any Fruity Puffs

- in that cabinet.
- I know, 'cause I hid 'em here.

Okay, I see. S-So Mom's going
out of town for the weekend,

you just gonna do whatever
you want to, huh?

You know, son, you don't understand



what it's like to be
the man of the house.

You're always worried

about other people's needs.

It's never really about you.

But with your mother going
to Vegas overnight,

the rest of this weekend
is about me and only me.

Well, excuse me, Pop,

- but I will still be here.
- Yeah.

But I don't care about your needs.

- Calvin!
- Mm.

Yeah, babe.

Hey, baby. Can you do me a favor

- and take these to the car?
- Damn, Tina.

You're only going away for one night.



Why do you need three bags?

Well, this one is for my clothes,

this one is for hair and makeup,

and this one is empty.

Mama's going shopping.

And what else do you and Gemma
have planned for Vegas?

Baby, how about you don't
ask me about my plans,

and I won't ask you about
that box of Fruity Puffs

that you got hiding
behind my cookbooks.

- Have a great trip.
- Okay.

I'm so excited!

Tina and I are gonna have so much fun.

I know, your first girls' trip.

Man, I wish I could go.

Okay, but then it wouldn't be

much of a girls' trip,
would it, sweetie?

I know, but I really feel like
I could add to the experience.

Like you two are Thelma and Louise

and I'm Brad Pitt.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

So, what do you say, Gemma?

You ready to have some fun?

- You know it, girl!
- Yeah!

What do you say, Calvin?

You ready to have some fun, too?

I got to load the bags, Dave.

This one feels empty.

Maybe I should climb in and stow away.

Hey, that's a good idea.
'Cause you know what they say:

what goes to Vegas stays in Vegas.

♪ Hey, girl... ♪

Aw, that takes me back to
my player days right there.

Tina lucky she locked me down.

♪ Hey, boy... ♪

It's good to be the king.

I thought all kings wore robes.

Well, they do.

But I needed to let the
royal jewels breathe.

Hey, man.

So, this is how you're
fulfilling your needs

for the weekend, huh?

Sitting in your underwear,
listening to oldies,

and giving yourself diabetes?

It's pretty cool, right?

You know what would
be pretty cool, Pop,

is if you ordered the
pay-per-view fight for tonight.

Posley versus Camargo.
Supposed to be a good one.

But then I would be fulfilling
your needs as well as mine.

Aw, what the hell.

I'm a benevolent king.

Okay, well, I'll let Marty know.

Good. We'll make it a guys' night.

All right. Well, I'll invite Dave.

Now, hold on a second, now.

What? How come?

'Cause Dave is not the kind of guy

you invite over for guys' night.

I mean, now,

we were having a men's
brunch with a wine tasting?

All right, look, Pop, I know

Dave is not your typical kind of dude,

but if you ask me, Dave is a man.

I know.

That's why I don't ask you.

Look, come on, Pop.

He is a good husband and father
who takes care of his family.

And he is not embarrassed
to be himself.

There is no shame in Dave's game.

I know.

Which is weird, because
there really should be.

But that's what I'm saying, man.
Dave knows who he is,

and he owns it no matter
what anyone thinks.

Isn't that what makes
a man real to you?

Fine. Go ahead. Invite him.

Probably doesn't even like boxing.

"Calvin, it's so barbaric.

"Why can't they just
settle their differences

with a rousing game of Parcheesi?"

Dave says, "Hell yes," and
he is bringing snacks.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, maybe it won't be so bad.

He wants to know what you
like on your veggie plate.

Okay, we have a gondola ride
at the Venetian at 6:00,

the dancing fountains at the
Bellagio at 7:30, and...

Drumroll, please...

Donny and Marie tickets at 9:00!

Vegas, baby!

♪ Girls' trip. ♪

Gemma, the only girl
who's trippin' is you.

Yeah, we only came here

because you said that you
needed to blow off some steam.

We're not doing any
of that corny stuff.

But I made a whole itinerary. Look.

It's got little boxes we can check off.

Aw. Well, that's nice.

But my itinerary says that it's time

to throw out your itinerary.

What?

Check.

I just thought the
more structure we had,

the more we could pack into our night.

When I rage, I try to rage efficiently.

Gemma, a girls' night in Vegas
is like floating down a river.

You know? You got to go with the flow

and see where it takes you.

And why is your plan better than mine?

Because it's Vegas, girl.

Always bet on black.

Hey. Check it out, ladies.

The hottest show in town.

See your wildest fantasies
onstage tonight.

Magic Mike Live?

What? Let me see that.

It's just a bunch of male strippers.

Exactly. You see?

We go with the flow, and plans
will fall right in our laps.

And tonight some men will, too.

Thanks again for inviting me.
Grover's at a sleepover.

Otherwise I wouldn't
have been able to come.

How convenient.

You gonna get in on some
of this jicama, Calvin?

It's in season.

Well, fortunately,

so is pizza.

Man, this is great. Nothing
like a bunch of guys

getting together to watch a big fight.

Whoa.

I almost just double dipped.

So...

So, uh, Dave, who do you
think's gonna win the fight?

Well, I don't know much
about these two fighters.

But Camargo is undefeated
against southpaws,

and nobody cuts the ring
off better than he does.

And then, Posley

does have a three-inch reach advantage

and a pretty solid chin.

But I'm rooting for Posley
'cause I like his purple shorts.

Hey, guys. Big fight night.

Oh, I see the jicama's in season.

Yeah.

Whoa. Wh-What's wrong with the TV?

Why's it all pixelated like that?

I don't know. I paid for the fight.

Well, maybe something's
blocking the satellite dish.

Well, Marty, do something.
You work on satellites.

Yeah, in space.

Then it should be easier down here.

Okay.

Let's just go outside and take a look.

I told you we shouldn't
have invited Dave.

Oh, he had nothing to do with this.

I didn't say he did.

Oh, there's the problem.

The branch from Dave's tree
is blocking the signal.

I knew this was Dave's fault.

How is this my fault?

Because you don't trim
your trees enough.

Old raggedy-ass branches
just waving around

like one of those things in
front of a used car lot.

You know, it's a California oak.

I can't trim it. They're
protected by law.

Oh. That must be why

the cop cars cruise by
here three times a day.

Yes, hi. It's Dave Johnson.

Local homeowner.

Yeah, we have a bit of a tree conun...

Marty, get the ladder.

Whoa, whoa, Pop, Pop,
you are not climbing

on some old, rickety
roof with a chain saw.

I'll be fine.

How do you know that?

'Cause you're gonna do it.

No, I'm not. You heard Dave.
Trimming an oak is illegal.

I done stayed out of jail this long.

I'm not going in for assaulting a tree.

Hmm. Okay. Then Marty will do it.

Oh, Dad, uh...

you know I would do anything to
prove to you that I am a man,

but I'm scared of heights, and I
just ate a lot of jicama, so...

Fine. Since none of you will do it,

I guess I will.

No, you won't.

Give me the chain saw.

Really? Mr. I Like His Purple Shorts?

Yeah, that's right. Look, it's my tree.

My property. My responsibility.

Okay. Go ahead.

Wait, wait. Dave, are you sure
you know how to use that thing?

- Oh, relax.
- Whoa, man!

I got this. Now, before I go up there,

I'm gonna need two things:
hold the ladder and...

watch out for Five-O.

I don't know about this.

You don't know about what?

Hot men?

It's just, this isn't my kind of thing.

I know Donny and Marie

are a solid five out
of five stars on Yelp.

Yeah, but that guy has a
solid six out of six abs.

Tina! That is somebody's son.

Mm-hmm. And somebody raised him right!

Okay. Okay.

But what would Calvin think
if he knew you were here

surrounded by all these
hot, shirtless guys?

He doesn't care. In our house,

it doesn't matter where
you get your appetite,

as long as you come home to eat.

Okay, I'm up.

Looking good, Dave!

He is gonna die.

Come on, man, get to it! Fight
starts in five minutes.

Okay, here we go.

Whoa.

It really shakes in your hands!

Maybe I should call 911 now so
they're already on their way.

I can't reach it.

All right, then-then just
come back down, man.

Don't risk it.

Or get up on your tippy-toes!

I'm so close!

Whoa!

Be careful, David!

Yeah, seriously, man!
That's a new chain saw!

Almost got it.

Oh!

Yes!

- Oh!
- All right!

I told you I could do it!

Hey, y-you know what? You
sure did, man. Now, please,

just come on down, all right?

Okay, okay. But seriously,

you should've seen the
look on your faces

when you thought I was gonna...
Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, Daddy, no! Ooh!

Oh, Pop! Pop!

Oh, Pop.

Oh, my God, Calvin. If you
didn't break my fall,

I could be dead right now.

I know. That's what I
keep thinking, too.

Are you sure you don't want
to go to the hospital?

Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you, though.

You... oh, you-you mean Calvin.

No, I'm-I'm all right; it's just
my back's out a little bit.

Help-help me sit down.

- All right. Easy.
- Okay, you know, the craziest part

was how Dave bounced
off of you and landed

right back on top of you.

Like, the science of that

is-is...

Maybe that's for another time.

All I know is this damn
TV better be working.

- Pop, Pop.
- Get the remote, Marty.

Yeah, I got it, I got it.

Hey, it's working.

Oh, man, this is killing me.

Gosh, Calvin, you know, I can't help

but feel somewhat
responsible for all this.

You know what? Let me run
next door and get you

some of Gemma's prescription
muscle relaxants.

Why does Gemma have muscle relaxants?

Oh, well, the doctor
just gave them to her

for when her menstrual
cramps get real bad.

Oh.

I'm not taking your wife's
period pills, Dave.

No, no, no, Calvin, they're
not her period pills.

They're just the pills she takes
when she's on her period.

Whoa, whoa, Pop.

You just can't sit here like this, man.

Yeah, man, you look miserable.

Yeah, you know what? They're right.

Luckily, Calvin,

I have another solution.

I give an amazing massage.

Get the pills. Get the
damn pills, Dave!

Yeah! Work it, baby.

Hump that floor!

I think I'm starting to get it.

All of these men are
here for our pleasure,

asking what we want.

No one ever asks women what they want.

Look at him twirling that
T-shirt over his head

like a sexy helicopter.

It's almost as if

Magic Mike is the ultimate
expression of feminism.

Oh! Oh-oh-oh! Black Hawk down!

- I'm going... oh, oh, oh, oh!
- Wait.

Whoa, whoa, what are you doing?

Come on! We're going to the stage.

What-what? Wait, wait, wait!
Tina! Tina!

I don't think I'm ready
for this much feminism.

What's about to happen?

Magic, Gemma. Magic.

Wow, round five and
Posley's still in it.

Well, yeah,

but look how much he's bleeding.

Ah, get him, Camargo!

Hey, Pop, those pills
making you feel any better?

Actually...

quite a bit.

But why do these guys keep
hitting each other like that?

With all of the violence in the world,

don't you think it's a better way

they can solve their problems?

Um, like what?

Like a dance-off.

Or a staring contest?

Yeah, let... let-let
me see those pills.

Just...

"The side effects may include
dizziness, drowsiness,

and emotional sensitivity."

What the world needs is love.

Okay, look... I-I only gave him two.

Oh, wait. I just gave him two.

Can I give him two more?

Malcolm. Malcolm, where are you, boy?

Yeah... hey, hey, hey, hey, Pop.

I'm sitting right next to you, man.

- Oh. There you are.
- Yeah.

Come here, son.

O-Okay.

- Malcolm.
- Yeah?

You're my firstborn son.

Yeah.

- And I love you, boy.
- Uh-huh.

- Hey, uh, thanks, Pop.
- Yeah.

Marty?

Yes, Dad?

I was just seeing if
you were still here.

O-Okay. Okay.

Okay, guys, I-I'm starting
to get a little worried.

Calvin, you've ingested
some pretty serious drugs,

and you're experiencing side effects.

Is there anything you need?

Well, you know what?

Now that you mention it, there is.

Ok-Okay, what is it?

Does that offer for a
back rub still stand?

You guys heard him! He asked.

- Oh! Oh.
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Gemma.

I really appreciate
your progressiveness

and your willingness
to objectify yourself

for my pleasure.

Gemma, shut up and make some noise!

Now, where are you comfortable
with me putting my hands?

That works.

Come on, Gemma, get out of your head.

This is our girls' trip.

You're right. Like Thelma and Louise.

- Yes. There you go.
- Yeah.

Now, come on, Thelma. Do you trust me?

I do, Louise.

Do you trust in the magic of Vegas?

Yes.

And of our girls' trips?

Ooh... okay.

Then, come on, girl,
let's ride this thing

over the cliff together!

You sit down. I can do this.

See, I used to do this back in the day.

Hey, hey.

And to think, after this, we can
still go to Donny and Marie!

Okay, Calvin, how we doing?

I don't know what your hands

are doing back there,
Dave, but don't stop.

Do you think Pop's gonna
remember any of this?

No, I don't.

Which is why I've been recording.

Okay.

I think we got all the knots out.

Oh, man, fight's over.

Yeah, but I think we can all agree

that this was the main event.

How you doing, Calvin?
You feeling okay?

Oh, so much better.

You know what?

Dave, I... have to admit,

when Malcolm first suggested
inviting you tonight,

I was like "Boo.

Bad idea."

But now I'm more like, "Yay!

Dave's here."

Well, I-I'm glad you came around.

Now, don't tell you I said this.

I don't give you enough credit.

I mean, you're not as
soft as I thought.

Sure, yeah, you smile too much

and you go to Disneyland by yourself...

but you, you got up on
that roof with a chain saw

and you did something
dangerous and stupid.

And to me, that's a man.

I appreciate that, Calvin.

Okeydokey.

My eyes are gonna go to sleep now.

Sweet dreams, buddy.

Oh, and I'm gonna need copies of that

texted and e-mailed to me immediately!

Hey, Dave.

Oh, hey, Calvin. How's the back?

Eh, a little sore, but better.

Man, those pills were strong.

I don't even remember the fight.

Oh, well, uh...

you enjoyed it.

Oh, hey, honey. How was your trip?

I'll tell you all about it inside.

Well, you don't wantto grab your bag...

Nope.

Mama came home hungry.

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Tina, I know that look,

but, baby, I hurt my back, okay?

Oh, you poor baby.

It's a good thing I
only need your front.

All right, all right.

But first, let me take my period pills.

All right.