The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Episode #1.12 - full transcript
Come on, Tina, we got
to get to this theater.
Look, matinee hours end in 30 minutes,
and I'm not paying full price
to see The Rock beat up a hurricane.
Baby, we're only late
because you made us stop
and try every free sample in the store.
How many weenies on a
toothpick can one man eat?
Well, at least we don't have
to stand in line for popcorn.
I saved us time and money.
Look, we'll just find a birthday
present for Grover and go.
[LAUGHS]: Oh!
How about these nunchucks?
[SHOUTING]
Oh, you know he's gonna
hit Dave with these.
Put them back, Bruce Leroy.
Gemma doesn't want us to
get him any violent toys.
Fine. Well, I'm-a get them for me.
Oh, what about this?
No. Gemma asked us
to shy away from any toys that
reinforce specific genders.
Well, God forbid Grover
finds out he's a boy.
How about we just cruise
over to the food section
- and get him a can of soup?
- [CHUCKLES]
Gemma suggested that we get
him something educational.
Well, we can get him some alphabet soup.
Ooh, this is nice.
A math puzzle.
Seriously?
What did that boy ever do to you?
You know what? I-I really can't
believe how these parents coddle
- their kids nowadays.
- Mm.
We gave Malcolm and Marty plenty
of violent, gendered toys
and they turned out fine.
[LAUGHTER, SHOUTING]
- Come on, you're dead, man!
- I knocked your head off.
No, you missed. You hit that old lady!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
You know what? I'm gonna
let you deal with this.
I'm gonna go back and get
some more toothpick weenies.
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
Okay, the backyard is looking good,
and the entertainment should
be here in half an hour.
- Oh, there's entertainment?
- Oh, yeah.
We got the one and only Insane
Shane the Party Ma-chane.
You got Insane Shane?
- You've heard of him?
- No.
[CHUCKLES]
He's the premier host of kids'
birthday parties in Pasadena.
Well, what makes him so special?
Kids love him. He plays
games, he juggles,
he can do the happy birthday
song in armpit farts.
Ah, well, Calvin's
birthday is coming up.
I'll keep him in mind.
[LAUGHS]
You almost done with those cupcakes?
Oh, I'm getting there,
but I can't believe
you bought so many.
Well, I don't know any
of the kids' allergies,
so I got sugar-free,
gluten-free, peanut-free,
vegan, and
vegan-gluten-peanut-sugar free.
And taste-free, too.
I know, but I don't care.
I want to play pin the
tail on the donkey,
not jab the kid with the EpiPen.
[CHUCKLES]
What up, what up?
- Hey.
- [GASPS]
All right, guys. We got the balloons.
Oh, thank you, guys.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: No problem.
Yeah, there was a leaky one.
- Yeah, I didn't want to waste it.
- [CHUCKLES]
Gemma, disaster. Insane
Shane just cancelled.
What?
Yeah, apparently, he sneezed
while he was juggling bowling balls.
Now he's in the hospital
with three concussions.
Insane Shane cancelled?
But I told everybody
at school he was gonna be here.
That's why they're coming.
No, no, buddy, they...
The kids are coming to celebrate you.
That's what this is all about,
how awesome and cool you are.
Mm, they said they
were coming for Shane.
Hey, you know what, Grover?
Malcolm and I can play
party games with you guys.
Can you be insane?
Totally insane.
[CHUCKLES]
Mm, I don't know.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: We're the
only option you have.
[SHOUTING, CHEERING]
- Finish him!
- Now, go!
Go! Go! -Finish him!
Steady yourself!
- Go!
- Go![THUDDING]
- Oh!
- Oh, yes!
And just like that, Colby
trips on a sprinkler.
Oh, b-but he is up again, and
running faster than ever.
In the wrong direction.
But here comes Haley for Team Malcolm.
And Team Malcolm wins. Yes!
In your face! [LAUGHS]
Dude, what are you doing?
We're just playing party
games with the kids.
Oh, you're just saying
that because I won again.
I came out of Mama first,
and I haven't given up that lead since.
Seriously? I am an engineer.
I have a great job,
and my own apartment.
You are unemployed, and you live at home
with your mama and your daddy.
Yes, but who just won the egg toss?
You have never beaten me
at anything physical,
and you never will.
[SCOFFS] Do you think that bothers me?
I think that kills you.
Damn it, you're right. Kids,
help me get Colby out
of those tomato vines.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Calvin.
Hey, baby, where you been?
Oh, I was just wrapping the
birthday gift I got for Grover.
Oh, but we already got
him the math puzzle.
Yeah, you know, I scratched
my name off that card.
That's all you now.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
Ha, ha.
What the hell?
Okay, stop playing. Where
are the real cupcakes?
Yay. Flash cards.
Oh, what a great gift.
Now, don't let me catch
you playing with those
- after bedtime.
- [CHUCKLES]
I don't think you're gonna catch him
playing with those at any time.
Sweetie, tell Colby
how much you like it.
I thought I wasn't supposed to lie.
Grover.
It's okay, I get it.
Ring toss, three-legged race,
pin the tail on the donkey.
Yo, man, what are you doing?
I'm just recapping my wins.
Okay, okay. Well, in that case, uh,
bank account, credit score, uh, life.
Those are all very good points.
- Yes.
- [LAUGHS]
Don't none of them matter
right now, do they?
No!
Great, another math puzzle.
Grover, thank Miss Tina.
Thanks, Miss Tina.
[QUIETLY]: Your mother made me get it.
Well, okay, it looks like
we opened up all the gifts.
Oh, oh, oh. Not yet.
- There's one more.
- Aw.
There you go. My man.
Cool!
A knife.
- A knife?
- [LAUGHS]: Whoa! A knife.
Yeah, a knife. Here, hold
that next to your face
so I can take a picture.
TINA: Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: Holler at your boy!
- Can I touch it?
- Yeah.
But you got me the flash
cards, so you're last.
Calvin, what is the matter with
you, getting Grover a knife?
What, were they all out of nail guns?
Give me some credit, Tina.
The kickback on one of those things
would knock that boy off his feet.
Okay, you know what?
- Everyone, back away.
- Yeah. Yeah.
It's my turn to touch it.
Yep. All right, why don't we
put away all the lovely gifts,
and the knife,
and, uh, get back
to the fun games with Malcolm and Marty?
But everyone wants to play with it.
I know, that's why it's going away.
Guys, could you take
all the kids outside?
- All right, kids, let's go.
- All right, let's go.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Let's go.
Dave, kitchen, now.
Ooh.
Dave, trouble, in.
Calvin, cupcake, find.
How could Calvin give our son a knife
without talking to us first?
I know. He probably knew
that I couldn't keep something
that cool a secret.
How are you not more upset about this?
He gave our son a weapon.
It's not a weapon,
it's-it's a pocketknife.
It's a handheld stabbing machine.
Yeah, but if they call it that,
they're not gonna sell any.
- Oh...
- Okay, look,
I know you just want Grover to be safe.
So do I, but, you know,
it's not that big a deal.
When I was his age, I had a BB gun.
Yeah, and you still
have a BB in your arm
from when your friend shot you with it.
Actually, it's not there anymore.
It just, it disappeared for a year,
and then it resurfaced in my leg.
We'll talk about this later.
Right now, this is going
in the same drawer
as your fedora and your laser pointer.
What... you said that my
laser pointer was stolen.
Can I have the knife back?
The other kids are
ignoring me without it.
Oh, honey, they're not ignoring you.
Yeah, they probably think
the party is just less fun
now that the knife is gone.
Gemma,
I-I know you think it's dangerous,
but the knife is actually pretty cool.
And isn't that exactly what you
wanted for Grover's party?
- Well, yeah, but...
- Okay. Well, then,
how about this: how about
I'll take the knife outside,
and I will show it to the kids?
I will hold it
the whole time, I promise.
In fact, you know what?
I won't even open it.
Please, Mom? It's my birthday.
Fine.
BOTH: Yeah!
Ooh, and, uh, my laser pointer?
It's in heaven now.
[STRAINING]
Come on, Team Marty!
This isn't about fun and games anymore.
Then why are we doing it?
So Marty doesn't cry
himself to sleep tonight.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey! Hey! I don't do that anymore.
Stop laughing! You're on my team.
Here come the waterworks.
We got the knife!
[CHEERING]
BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh... Uh-huh.
- Oh... Whoo!
And then there were two.
Oh, I see you've been
working on your math.
[CHUCKLES]
I see you haven't been
working on your arms.
Okay, so it's like that?
- [STRAINS]: Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I could do this all day.
I don't have to go to work until Monday.
Oh, yeah? Joke's on you.
I don't have a job.
Now,
I know most of you think that the blade
is the coolest part of the knife,
but have you ever stopped to take a look
at the bolster? Take a look at that.
Dave?
What the heck are you doing?
Leave it up to you to
make a knife boring.
Open it up.
I can't. I promised Gemma.
Dave, come on. [LAUGHS]
These kids are starving
for something fun.
My mom says fun is dangerous.
Well, your mom thinks flash
cards are a great gift.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Now, who wants to have fun?
[CHEERING, SCREAMING]
O-Okay, all right.
Okay, fine, I will open it.
But only so I can teach you
guys proper knife safety.
I'm kind of an expert since
I was an Eagle Scout.
What's that?
What's an Eagle Scout?
[LAUGHS] Well, it's like one
step below a Navy SEAL.
Dave,
you're barely one step
above a real seal.
Okay, okay. All right.
Now, there are a few things
that you should always do
when handling a knife.
You should always make sure
that there is no one within arm's reach.
Okay?
And you should always make sure
that you are cutting away
from yourself, like so.
CALVIN: Okay, all right.
Okay, those are a few
of the boring things
you should always do.
Now let me show you a few
cool things that you should never do.
Okay, okay, all right.
- Kids, kids.
- All right? With a knife.
All right? Never...
hold a knife like this.
ALL: Ooh!
Unless there's a zombie apocalypse,
and you got to do what you got to do.
Look here. Zombie!
- Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie!
- [KIDS SHOUTING]
Calvin! Cal-Calvin, that's enough.
Never go hand to hand.
Don't want to do that.
Unless there are zombies on both sides.
Left zombie dead!
- [KIDS CHEERING]
- Right zombie dead! Yeah!
Cal-Cal. Okay, Calvin, that's good.
We...
Lis-Listen, kids, and
never, ever, ever, ever
hold a knife by the blade...
unless... you're gonna throw
it at the king zombie.
ALL: Oh!
Calvin! That...
was awesome!
[KIDS CHEERING]
Gemma, I'm so sorry about Calvin.
He should never have
given Grover that knife
without asking you guys first.
Funny, that's exactly
what I was gonna write
on the thank-you card.
[CHUCKLES]
What is it with boys
and dangerous things?
You know, scientific
studies have been done
on this very subject, and
they always come back
with the same conclusion:
boys are stupid.
Maybe for Christmas, I
should just get Grover
this box of matches and
a can of lighter fluid.
Oh, please. He doesn't need those.
Marty used to start fires
with his magnifying glass.
Really?
You know that's our
third garage out back?
Look, my point is,
no matter what you do, boys will always
find a way to make everything dangerous.
[SCOFFS] Well, when do they
finally grow out of it?
Well, Calvin bought nunchucks
the other day, so, never.
Great. That means I'm gonna be worried
for the rest of my life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
they keep it interesting.
You know, Malcolm once stuck
a fork in a light socket.
What happened?
We had to get a new fuse box.
- Oh, you mean to Malcolm.
- Yeah.
He was fine once his eyebrows grew back.
Look, Gemma,
if you want, I'll make
sure that Calvin takes
that knife back right now.
It's okay. Dave promised
they'd be careful with it.
KIDS: Whoa!
And that's how you play pin-finger.
Which you should never, ever do
unless you're a pirate.
Or me.
Wow.
[GROANS]I know what you're thinking.
You have no idea what I'm thinking.
"Use the force, Marty."
Get out of my head, wizard!
Oh, no.
I live in your head.
Oh, why... did Mom and Dad
finally start charging you rent?
I knew you would say that.
- No, you didn't. Stop it!
- No, you didn't. Stop it!
- I'm not playin'!
- I'm not playin'!
- I'm not playin'!
- I'm not playin'!
Do another trick!
All right, I'll show you a trick.
Give me the knife.
Really, seal boy?
What are you gonna do...
Balance it on your nose?
Okay, now, don't tell your mom,
but this is a little trick
I used to wow 'em with
back in scout camp.
KIDS: Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
It might be good for scout camp,
but what are you gonna do in
real life when zombies attack?
- Hmm?
- All right.
Want to see me throw it higher?
KIDS: Yeah!
KIDS: Whoa!
Your dad's cool, Grover.
Oh, you think that was cool?
You better put on your parka,
because it's about to
get downright freezing.
All right.
Give me some room.
Ready?
♪ Happy birth... ♪
ALL: Oh!
Right through the shoe. Ooh.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Gemma, get the car keys!
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- Get the car keys now.
Uh, uh, guys, I...
hope that is a valuable
lesson to all of you
that you won't tell your parents.
So...
fun party.
Yeah, it was great.
There was blood, there was a knife.
The only thing missing was
the crime scene tape.
Okay, okay. Look, I get it.
You're mad.
I never should have given him the knife.
You think? He's only seven years old.
Oh, I was talking about Dave.
Yeah... I specifically asked
that nobody get Grover a weapon,
and you got him one anyway.
And a math puzzle.
No matter what the card says,
that was from both of us.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Look, Gemma.
Look, I didn't mean to disrespect you
or anything like that. I just remember
when my grandfather
gave me my first knife.
It made me...
feel like a man, even
though I was a kid. And so
I wanted Grover to have
that same feeling too.
But he's not a man.
He's a little boy.
Look, I'm not naive.
I know I can't keep him
in a bubble forever.
But he's my baby, and
I want to protect him
for as long as I can.
You know what? You're right.
I guess I just never
looked at it like that.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Your heart was in the right place.
Yeah.
Besides, I have to admit,
- the knife was a huge hit.
- Hmm.
Probably even bigger than
Insane Shane would've been.
He's one floor up, by the way.
You know, Grover did
seem like he had fun.
I know.
I was so worried about
him making friends,
but now all the kids think he's cool.
Well, of course.
They saw a dude get stabbed
at his birthday party.
Come Monday, he's gonna be the man.
- Oh.
- Oh.
There you are. Are you okay?
Well...
they couldn't save the sock.
But other than that, I'm fine.
Ooh, and look.
They took out my BB.[CLINKING]
I don't know whether to kiss
you or step on your foot.
I know which one would
be more fun to watch.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry we played with the knife.
Yeah. Yeah, it was a little childish.
But the kids were egging us on.
Yeah, and I totally would have caught it
if I wasn't distracted by the cake.
Throwing it that high?
Yeah, right.
I'm sorry, you-you don't think so?
'Cause there's a scalpel
back in the room.
Hey, you're talking. I don't
see you moving, though.
Well, let's go, then. I don't care.
Really, I mean, you're gonna
do what you're gonna do.
Guys. I mean, you saw I was...
Sorry. You're right. Yeah, my bad.
Bad...
Meet me in the back yard tomorrow.
I'll show you.
Did you ask my parents if it's
okay to do this to our tree?
No.
That's why I'm carving your
name into it and not mine.
So, how did your friends like the party?
Yeah, they loved it.
I even got a bunch of play date invites.
Well, all right.
You know what?
I'm gonna hold onto this for you
until your mom says it's okay.
But the knife is what made me cool.
Oh... [CHUCKLES]
trust me, Grover, you were cool
way before this knife.
You think?
Definitely. And that's coming from me,
the coolest guy you know.
Thanks, Mr. Calvin.
- Good night, little man.
- Good night.
All right.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION, CHUCKLES]
All right, fellas, finish up, now.
Come on, your mom made dinner.
Oh, help me, Jesus.
Face it, Marty... you
will never beat me.
I can feel it. Tonight is the night!
Oh, no.
You're fooling yourself.
- I'll always be bigger.
- [GROANS]
I'll always be stronger,
I'll always be...
- Aah!
- [THUD]
And I'll always be smarter.
[LAUGHS]
to get to this theater.
Look, matinee hours end in 30 minutes,
and I'm not paying full price
to see The Rock beat up a hurricane.
Baby, we're only late
because you made us stop
and try every free sample in the store.
How many weenies on a
toothpick can one man eat?
Well, at least we don't have
to stand in line for popcorn.
I saved us time and money.
Look, we'll just find a birthday
present for Grover and go.
[LAUGHS]: Oh!
How about these nunchucks?
[SHOUTING]
Oh, you know he's gonna
hit Dave with these.
Put them back, Bruce Leroy.
Gemma doesn't want us to
get him any violent toys.
Fine. Well, I'm-a get them for me.
Oh, what about this?
No. Gemma asked us
to shy away from any toys that
reinforce specific genders.
Well, God forbid Grover
finds out he's a boy.
How about we just cruise
over to the food section
- and get him a can of soup?
- [CHUCKLES]
Gemma suggested that we get
him something educational.
Well, we can get him some alphabet soup.
Ooh, this is nice.
A math puzzle.
Seriously?
What did that boy ever do to you?
You know what? I-I really can't
believe how these parents coddle
- their kids nowadays.
- Mm.
We gave Malcolm and Marty plenty
of violent, gendered toys
and they turned out fine.
[LAUGHTER, SHOUTING]
- Come on, you're dead, man!
- I knocked your head off.
No, you missed. You hit that old lady!
[BOTH GRUNTING]
You know what? I'm gonna
let you deal with this.
I'm gonna go back and get
some more toothpick weenies.
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪
♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪
Okay, the backyard is looking good,
and the entertainment should
be here in half an hour.
- Oh, there's entertainment?
- Oh, yeah.
We got the one and only Insane
Shane the Party Ma-chane.
You got Insane Shane?
- You've heard of him?
- No.
[CHUCKLES]
He's the premier host of kids'
birthday parties in Pasadena.
Well, what makes him so special?
Kids love him. He plays
games, he juggles,
he can do the happy birthday
song in armpit farts.
Ah, well, Calvin's
birthday is coming up.
I'll keep him in mind.
[LAUGHS]
You almost done with those cupcakes?
Oh, I'm getting there,
but I can't believe
you bought so many.
Well, I don't know any
of the kids' allergies,
so I got sugar-free,
gluten-free, peanut-free,
vegan, and
vegan-gluten-peanut-sugar free.
And taste-free, too.
I know, but I don't care.
I want to play pin the
tail on the donkey,
not jab the kid with the EpiPen.
[CHUCKLES]
What up, what up?
- Hey.
- [GASPS]
All right, guys. We got the balloons.
Oh, thank you, guys.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: No problem.
Yeah, there was a leaky one.
- Yeah, I didn't want to waste it.
- [CHUCKLES]
Gemma, disaster. Insane
Shane just cancelled.
What?
Yeah, apparently, he sneezed
while he was juggling bowling balls.
Now he's in the hospital
with three concussions.
Insane Shane cancelled?
But I told everybody
at school he was gonna be here.
That's why they're coming.
No, no, buddy, they...
The kids are coming to celebrate you.
That's what this is all about,
how awesome and cool you are.
Mm, they said they
were coming for Shane.
Hey, you know what, Grover?
Malcolm and I can play
party games with you guys.
Can you be insane?
Totally insane.
[CHUCKLES]
Mm, I don't know.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: We're the
only option you have.
[SHOUTING, CHEERING]
- Finish him!
- Now, go!
Go! Go! -Finish him!
Steady yourself!
- Go!
- Go![THUDDING]
- Oh!
- Oh, yes!
And just like that, Colby
trips on a sprinkler.
Oh, b-but he is up again, and
running faster than ever.
In the wrong direction.
But here comes Haley for Team Malcolm.
And Team Malcolm wins. Yes!
In your face! [LAUGHS]
Dude, what are you doing?
We're just playing party
games with the kids.
Oh, you're just saying
that because I won again.
I came out of Mama first,
and I haven't given up that lead since.
Seriously? I am an engineer.
I have a great job,
and my own apartment.
You are unemployed, and you live at home
with your mama and your daddy.
Yes, but who just won the egg toss?
You have never beaten me
at anything physical,
and you never will.
[SCOFFS] Do you think that bothers me?
I think that kills you.
Damn it, you're right. Kids,
help me get Colby out
of those tomato vines.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Calvin.
Hey, baby, where you been?
Oh, I was just wrapping the
birthday gift I got for Grover.
Oh, but we already got
him the math puzzle.
Yeah, you know, I scratched
my name off that card.
That's all you now.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
Ha, ha.
What the hell?
Okay, stop playing. Where
are the real cupcakes?
Yay. Flash cards.
Oh, what a great gift.
Now, don't let me catch
you playing with those
- after bedtime.
- [CHUCKLES]
I don't think you're gonna catch him
playing with those at any time.
Sweetie, tell Colby
how much you like it.
I thought I wasn't supposed to lie.
Grover.
It's okay, I get it.
Ring toss, three-legged race,
pin the tail on the donkey.
Yo, man, what are you doing?
I'm just recapping my wins.
Okay, okay. Well, in that case, uh,
bank account, credit score, uh, life.
Those are all very good points.
- Yes.
- [LAUGHS]
Don't none of them matter
right now, do they?
No!
Great, another math puzzle.
Grover, thank Miss Tina.
Thanks, Miss Tina.
[QUIETLY]: Your mother made me get it.
Well, okay, it looks like
we opened up all the gifts.
Oh, oh, oh. Not yet.
- There's one more.
- Aw.
There you go. My man.
Cool!
A knife.
- A knife?
- [LAUGHS]: Whoa! A knife.
Yeah, a knife. Here, hold
that next to your face
so I can take a picture.
TINA: Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
- [LAUGHS] Yeah.
[HIGH-PITCHED]: Holler at your boy!
- Can I touch it?
- Yeah.
But you got me the flash
cards, so you're last.
Calvin, what is the matter with
you, getting Grover a knife?
What, were they all out of nail guns?
Give me some credit, Tina.
The kickback on one of those things
would knock that boy off his feet.
Okay, you know what?
- Everyone, back away.
- Yeah. Yeah.
It's my turn to touch it.
Yep. All right, why don't we
put away all the lovely gifts,
and the knife,
and, uh, get back
to the fun games with Malcolm and Marty?
But everyone wants to play with it.
I know, that's why it's going away.
Guys, could you take
all the kids outside?
- All right, kids, let's go.
- All right, let's go.
- Let's go, let's go.
- Let's go.
Dave, kitchen, now.
Ooh.
Dave, trouble, in.
Calvin, cupcake, find.
How could Calvin give our son a knife
without talking to us first?
I know. He probably knew
that I couldn't keep something
that cool a secret.
How are you not more upset about this?
He gave our son a weapon.
It's not a weapon,
it's-it's a pocketknife.
It's a handheld stabbing machine.
Yeah, but if they call it that,
they're not gonna sell any.
- Oh...
- Okay, look,
I know you just want Grover to be safe.
So do I, but, you know,
it's not that big a deal.
When I was his age, I had a BB gun.
Yeah, and you still
have a BB in your arm
from when your friend shot you with it.
Actually, it's not there anymore.
It just, it disappeared for a year,
and then it resurfaced in my leg.
We'll talk about this later.
Right now, this is going
in the same drawer
as your fedora and your laser pointer.
What... you said that my
laser pointer was stolen.
Can I have the knife back?
The other kids are
ignoring me without it.
Oh, honey, they're not ignoring you.
Yeah, they probably think
the party is just less fun
now that the knife is gone.
Gemma,
I-I know you think it's dangerous,
but the knife is actually pretty cool.
And isn't that exactly what you
wanted for Grover's party?
- Well, yeah, but...
- Okay. Well, then,
how about this: how about
I'll take the knife outside,
and I will show it to the kids?
I will hold it
the whole time, I promise.
In fact, you know what?
I won't even open it.
Please, Mom? It's my birthday.
Fine.
BOTH: Yeah!
Ooh, and, uh, my laser pointer?
It's in heaven now.
[STRAINING]
Come on, Team Marty!
This isn't about fun and games anymore.
Then why are we doing it?
So Marty doesn't cry
himself to sleep tonight.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey! Hey! I don't do that anymore.
Stop laughing! You're on my team.
Here come the waterworks.
We got the knife!
[CHEERING]
BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oh... Uh-huh.
- Oh... Whoo!
And then there were two.
Oh, I see you've been
working on your math.
[CHUCKLES]
I see you haven't been
working on your arms.
Okay, so it's like that?
- [STRAINS]: Yeah.
- Yeah, well, I could do this all day.
I don't have to go to work until Monday.
Oh, yeah? Joke's on you.
I don't have a job.
Now,
I know most of you think that the blade
is the coolest part of the knife,
but have you ever stopped to take a look
at the bolster? Take a look at that.
Dave?
What the heck are you doing?
Leave it up to you to
make a knife boring.
Open it up.
I can't. I promised Gemma.
Dave, come on. [LAUGHS]
These kids are starving
for something fun.
My mom says fun is dangerous.
Well, your mom thinks flash
cards are a great gift.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
Now, who wants to have fun?
[CHEERING, SCREAMING]
O-Okay, all right.
Okay, fine, I will open it.
But only so I can teach you
guys proper knife safety.
I'm kind of an expert since
I was an Eagle Scout.
What's that?
What's an Eagle Scout?
[LAUGHS] Well, it's like one
step below a Navy SEAL.
Dave,
you're barely one step
above a real seal.
Okay, okay. All right.
Now, there are a few things
that you should always do
when handling a knife.
You should always make sure
that there is no one within arm's reach.
Okay?
And you should always make sure
that you are cutting away
from yourself, like so.
CALVIN: Okay, all right.
Okay, those are a few
of the boring things
you should always do.
Now let me show you a few
cool things that you should never do.
Okay, okay, all right.
- Kids, kids.
- All right? With a knife.
All right? Never...
hold a knife like this.
ALL: Ooh!
Unless there's a zombie apocalypse,
and you got to do what you got to do.
Look here. Zombie!
- Zombie, zombie, zombie, zombie!
- [KIDS SHOUTING]
Calvin! Cal-Calvin, that's enough.
Never go hand to hand.
Don't want to do that.
Unless there are zombies on both sides.
Left zombie dead!
- [KIDS CHEERING]
- Right zombie dead! Yeah!
Cal-Cal. Okay, Calvin, that's good.
We...
Lis-Listen, kids, and
never, ever, ever, ever
hold a knife by the blade...
unless... you're gonna throw
it at the king zombie.
ALL: Oh!
Calvin! That...
was awesome!
[KIDS CHEERING]
Gemma, I'm so sorry about Calvin.
He should never have
given Grover that knife
without asking you guys first.
Funny, that's exactly
what I was gonna write
on the thank-you card.
[CHUCKLES]
What is it with boys
and dangerous things?
You know, scientific
studies have been done
on this very subject, and
they always come back
with the same conclusion:
boys are stupid.
Maybe for Christmas, I
should just get Grover
this box of matches and
a can of lighter fluid.
Oh, please. He doesn't need those.
Marty used to start fires
with his magnifying glass.
Really?
You know that's our
third garage out back?
Look, my point is,
no matter what you do, boys will always
find a way to make everything dangerous.
[SCOFFS] Well, when do they
finally grow out of it?
Well, Calvin bought nunchucks
the other day, so, never.
Great. That means I'm gonna be worried
for the rest of my life.
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
they keep it interesting.
You know, Malcolm once stuck
a fork in a light socket.
What happened?
We had to get a new fuse box.
- Oh, you mean to Malcolm.
- Yeah.
He was fine once his eyebrows grew back.
Look, Gemma,
if you want, I'll make
sure that Calvin takes
that knife back right now.
It's okay. Dave promised
they'd be careful with it.
KIDS: Whoa!
And that's how you play pin-finger.
Which you should never, ever do
unless you're a pirate.
Or me.
Wow.
[GROANS]I know what you're thinking.
You have no idea what I'm thinking.
"Use the force, Marty."
Get out of my head, wizard!
Oh, no.
I live in your head.
Oh, why... did Mom and Dad
finally start charging you rent?
I knew you would say that.
- No, you didn't. Stop it!
- No, you didn't. Stop it!
- I'm not playin'!
- I'm not playin'!
- I'm not playin'!
- I'm not playin'!
Do another trick!
All right, I'll show you a trick.
Give me the knife.
Really, seal boy?
What are you gonna do...
Balance it on your nose?
Okay, now, don't tell your mom,
but this is a little trick
I used to wow 'em with
back in scout camp.
KIDS: Whoa!
[LAUGHS]
It might be good for scout camp,
but what are you gonna do in
real life when zombies attack?
- Hmm?
- All right.
Want to see me throw it higher?
KIDS: Yeah!
KIDS: Whoa!
Your dad's cool, Grover.
Oh, you think that was cool?
You better put on your parka,
because it's about to
get downright freezing.
All right.
Give me some room.
Ready?
♪ Happy birth... ♪
ALL: Oh!
Right through the shoe. Ooh.
Oh, my God, are you okay?
- Gemma, get the car keys!
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
- Get the car keys now.
Uh, uh, guys, I...
hope that is a valuable
lesson to all of you
that you won't tell your parents.
So...
fun party.
Yeah, it was great.
There was blood, there was a knife.
The only thing missing was
the crime scene tape.
Okay, okay. Look, I get it.
You're mad.
I never should have given him the knife.
You think? He's only seven years old.
Oh, I was talking about Dave.
Yeah... I specifically asked
that nobody get Grover a weapon,
and you got him one anyway.
And a math puzzle.
No matter what the card says,
that was from both of us.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Look, Gemma.
Look, I didn't mean to disrespect you
or anything like that. I just remember
when my grandfather
gave me my first knife.
It made me...
feel like a man, even
though I was a kid. And so
I wanted Grover to have
that same feeling too.
But he's not a man.
He's a little boy.
Look, I'm not naive.
I know I can't keep him
in a bubble forever.
But he's my baby, and
I want to protect him
for as long as I can.
You know what? You're right.
I guess I just never
looked at it like that.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Your heart was in the right place.
Yeah.
Besides, I have to admit,
- the knife was a huge hit.
- Hmm.
Probably even bigger than
Insane Shane would've been.
He's one floor up, by the way.
You know, Grover did
seem like he had fun.
I know.
I was so worried about
him making friends,
but now all the kids think he's cool.
Well, of course.
They saw a dude get stabbed
at his birthday party.
Come Monday, he's gonna be the man.
- Oh.
- Oh.
There you are. Are you okay?
Well...
they couldn't save the sock.
But other than that, I'm fine.
Ooh, and look.
They took out my BB.[CLINKING]
I don't know whether to kiss
you or step on your foot.
I know which one would
be more fun to watch.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm sorry we played with the knife.
Yeah. Yeah, it was a little childish.
But the kids were egging us on.
Yeah, and I totally would have caught it
if I wasn't distracted by the cake.
Throwing it that high?
Yeah, right.
I'm sorry, you-you don't think so?
'Cause there's a scalpel
back in the room.
Hey, you're talking. I don't
see you moving, though.
Well, let's go, then. I don't care.
Really, I mean, you're gonna
do what you're gonna do.
Guys. I mean, you saw I was...
Sorry. You're right. Yeah, my bad.
Bad...
Meet me in the back yard tomorrow.
I'll show you.
Did you ask my parents if it's
okay to do this to our tree?
No.
That's why I'm carving your
name into it and not mine.
So, how did your friends like the party?
Yeah, they loved it.
I even got a bunch of play date invites.
Well, all right.
You know what?
I'm gonna hold onto this for you
until your mom says it's okay.
But the knife is what made me cool.
Oh... [CHUCKLES]
trust me, Grover, you were cool
way before this knife.
You think?
Definitely. And that's coming from me,
the coolest guy you know.
Thanks, Mr. Calvin.
- Good night, little man.
- Good night.
All right.
[IMITATES EXPLOSION, CHUCKLES]
All right, fellas, finish up, now.
Come on, your mom made dinner.
Oh, help me, Jesus.
Face it, Marty... you
will never beat me.
I can feel it. Tonight is the night!
Oh, no.
You're fooling yourself.
- I'll always be bigger.
- [GROANS]
I'll always be stronger,
I'll always be...
- Aah!
- [THUD]
And I'll always be smarter.
[LAUGHS]