The Neighborhood (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Episode #1.15 - full transcript
Hey, Calvin.
Any news about Malcolm's job interview?
Eh, not yet. Haven't heard anything.
Oh, my God, it is killing me.
I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
I know. I got your texts
at 2:00, 3:00 and 4:00 a.m.
Look, I'm trying not to
worry about it too much.
Oh, yeah, totally, duh.
What was I thinking?
But it has got to be killing you.
I mean, it is an epic
story to be the father
of a son who almost
made it to the majors,
only to suffer a career-ending injury
and then be rudderless for years.
But now he's back.
He's ready to carve out a path,
but who knows doing what?
You know, I never actually thought
I'd hear myself say this, but...
Dave, can we just talk about you?
Oh, y-yeah, totally. Of-of course.
What about me? Well...
I'm just so nervous about Malcolm!
Look.
This is his first interview in a while.
We're not even sure
if he's gonna get it.
So, when he gets here,
let's just play it cool.
- Yeah.
- All right?
- Hey, guys.
- Did you get it?
Did you get it? Come on, now.
Spit it out, boy.
Pop. I got the job.
- Yeah! All right.
- Yes!
- Okay.
- Come on...
Here we go.
- Dave, excuse me.
- Oh.
Gosh. I'm-I'm sorry.
- All right.
- All right.
Hey, everybody. Listen to Malcolm.
- Well, turns out...
- He got the job!
Oh, my God! He got the job! Oh, baby!
I am so proud of you. I
knew you could do it.
Aw, thanks, Ma, I appreciate it.
Yeah, man, congrats.
Now you can pay me back
that 50 bucks you owe me.
Man...
But seriously, congrats.
But seriously, 50 bucks.
Get out of here, man.
- This is big, Malcolm.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, you're putting
yourself back out there
and years from now, you're
gonna look back on this day
- as a turning point in your life.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, I don't know, Pop,
y'all are making too big
a deal out of this, man.
I am selling TVs at
Powerhouse Electronics.
I'm not pitching in the World Series.
Look, son. I know this
is not your dream job.
But it doesn't mean that this can't be
a stepping stone to something real.
I mean, with your smarts,
and your work ethic,
in a couple years, you
could be working yourself
up the corporate ladder.
I don't know, Pop.
I've never worked in sales before.
Well, you're in luck.
I mean, I've had my
auto shop for 30 years.
I could teach you all
about the ABC's of sales.
Always Be Calvin.
You mean, be grouchy
and always forget to put
the toilet seat down?
N-No, babe.
Be confident.
- Be charming.
- Mm-hmm.
And always make it about
the customer's needs.
This customer
really needs you to put
the toilet seat down.
- Okay, babe.
- Okay.
Look, I'm-a show you how
it's done, all right?
- Marty.
- All right.
- Huh?
- Pretend to be a customer.
Oh, sure.
Excuse me, sir. Do you work here?
Why yes, I do.
How can I help you?
Oh, well, you may want to know
that I was just in the bathroom
and somebody left the toilet seat up.
Well, perhaps you have a
question about televisions.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Does this model have
VGA and HDMI inputs?
And can it handle both
NTSC and PAL frame rates?
'Cause I don't want to
be region-locked on a 4K
when 8Ks are right around the corner.
You know what I'm saying, big dog?
I'll handle this, bro. Why don't
you go check on them toilets.
I love that we're
afternoon friends now.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
but when you said that we
would be day drinking,
this is not exactly what I had in mind.
Ooh, Gemma, this Earl Grey
tastes like Chardonnay.
The tea cup makes me feel less guilty.
So I see you guys got a piano.
Who plays?
Grover started taking lessons,
but he's not really that into it.
He doesn't like his teacher.
See, there's your problem right there.
When teaching piano,
you have to have fun.
I didn't know you played.
Yeah, I started when I
was about Grover's age.
My mom was the church organist.
I used to sit next to her
while she'd teach me how
to play gospel songs,
but she would add curse
words in it to make it fun.
Like "hell-elujah"?
Gemma, that's blasphemous.
Well, I hope Grover can be
as good as you someday.
Do you know any fun piano teachers?
Well, I know the most fun one of all...
me.
Oh, my God, that would be so great.
But, are you sure it's
not an imposition?
No, not at all. I'll put up with
a lot for 50 bucks an hour.
Oh, man, look at the size of these TVs.
I know.
My first TV, the screen was this big.
- My first TV was black and white.
- Huh.
Kind of like you and me.
Yeah, except I can't turn you off.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, your dad just wanted
to see you in action.
Yeah, and I was halfway
down the driveway
when Dave jumped in
the back of my truck.
Well, I appreciate you guys
coming out to support me,
but, uh, I'm on the clock.
Oh, look how professional he is.
Yeah, got his shirt all
tucked in and his khakis.
Hi there. Are you gentlemen
being taken care of?
Are you kidding?
This is the most impressive
salesman I've ever met.
I mean, tell me the truth,
how many times has he been
employee of the month?
Uh, well, actually,
this is his first day.
- What?
- What?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Well, you know, you have
one heck of a salesman
here in, uh...
- Malcolm.
- Yeah.
Let me guess, these are your dads?
Yup. They sure are.
Oh, no, we are not. I'm his dad.
And I'm his neighbor,
but we're best friends.
Okay, well, if you don't mind,
there's a lady over there
who's actually interested
- in buying something.
- Oh, please.
Can you believe that guy
actually thought we were a couple?
Please, you could do worse.
Okay, Grover, I guarantee
you this piano lesson
is gonna be a lot more fun.
How do you know?
Because I've already had my tea.
Now, the first step
is to visualize your audience.
I like to imagine
that I'm walking on stage
at the Apollo Theater.
Oh, oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
- Who are you waving at?
- Quincy Jones.
- Who's that?
- Just a guy I used to date.
Okay, now-now, come on, show me
how you're gonna walk onto the stage.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, come on, Grove, that's all you got?
Listen, these imaginary people
paid a lot of money to come see you.
Now strut your stuff, man. Come on.
Uh-huh, okay.
That's good.
Okay. Get it.
Oh, okay.
All right, all right.
Little rock star, you haven't
dropped the album as of yet.
Now, most teachers teach
you how to play music.
I'm gonna teach you how to feel music.
Tell me how this makes you feel.
- Scared.
- Mm.
Like getting your credit
ran at a furniture store.
Now how about this?
- Happy?
- Oh!
Like getting your credit approved,
now you can get that waterbed!
Can I just go back to
waving at my fans now?
Yeah, but they're not
gonna cheer you on
unless you play something, baby.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
Good thing our piano
has this demo button.
Okay, mama's gonna need some more tea.
I'll be back.
Hey, Trevor, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, come on in.
I was looking over the receipts,
and you sold four TVs today?
Is that a good thing?
Yeah, yeah, four TVs is great.
Thank God. Man, I thought
I was in trouble.
Oh, you are.
Does it have something to
do with one of my two dads?
Malcolm, it's great
that you sold four TVs,
but we make our real
money on peripherals.
You know, cables, warranties,
home installations.
Yeah, I offered that to
all of my customers,
but nobody was interested.
Then you have to convince
people that they need them.
Like that little old lady
you sold to earlier.
If you had told her she
needed a warranty,
she would've bought it.
She was 80 years old, man. She
didn't need a 15-year warranty.
Then why didn't you sign her up
for our in-store credit card?
With 18% interest?
Exactly. See, that's how
we really get them.
Now go back out there
and make me proud.
Oh, and push the 65-inch Hamagakis.
They're about to be
recalled for exploding.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Trevor,
I don't think I'm comfortable
selling people stuff
they don't need, man,
or that should come with
a fire extinguisher.
Okay, got it. Totally understand.
- Cool.
- You're fired.
What?
Look, man, clearly you're a good guy.
If I knew that, I
wouldn't have hired you.
Hold on, let's not be
too hasty, all right.
I am not such a good guy.
I can do much worse.
Mm, nah, man, not buying it. I
feel like you're lying to me,
which is good, but too late.
All right, fine.
But I hope one of them Hamagakis
blows up in your face.
No, you don't.
Damn, you're right. I don't.
Congratulations! Congratulations!
You did it!
Sorry about that.
Probably should've thrown
that from farther away.
Uh, wow, guys.
You shouldn't have.
You really shouldn't have.
Yeah, man. I agree.
It's just your first day.
And some of us
have been employed for years, you know,
as a rocket scientist.
Have you ever sold anybody a rocket?
Daddy, that's not how it works, man.
We're just so happy for you.
Yeah. Way to go, Malcolm.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Hey, thanks, little man.
Son, you know I've been hard on you
these last couple years, but...
seeing you at work today,
I'm proud of you, son.
So, how was your first day?
It was, um...
unbelievable.
Yeah, it was!
All right!
Come on, son. Everybody wants
to hear about your day.
Um, you know, Pop, I, um...
I sold some stuff, people
bought some stuff,
and then I talked to my boss
about my future at the company.
See, that's what I'm
talking about right there.
See?
Does anybody want to hear about my day?
Today, my satellite
discovered a new supernova.
Okay, not now, Marty. Listen,
um...
so, did you use any of my techniques?
Uh, every single one of 'em, Pop.
That's my boy right there.
Just sayin',
I am also your boy.
So, did you
use any of my techniques today?
Well, I repositioned a
telemetry transponder
from 60 million miles away.
So all I'm hearing is "no."
So, Grover said his piano
lesson went great.
Ah. Yeah, he danced for five minutes,
gave me his autograph, and then quit.
What? He quit?
Yeah. He dropped the mic,
threw two fingers to the sky, and said,
"Peace out, Pasadena! Grover
has left the building!"
No, he can't quit.
I stopped taking lessons
when I was his age,
and I've regretted it ever since.
Oh, wow. I didn't know
you wanted to play.
Yeah.
I have this fantasy where
I'm at a boring party,
but there's a piano across the room.
The crowd parts.
I float over to it
and start tickling those ivories.
Next thing you know,
there's a crowd gathered
around me making requests.
And for some reason, Brad
Pitt is sitting next to me
with his shirt off.
So, you're making Grover take lessons
because you regret giving it up.
Well, yeah.
Isn't living vicariously
through our kids
half the reason why we have
them in the first place?
Why don't you stop forcing Grover
to do something he doesn't want to do
and let me give you lessons instead?
Oh, I don't know. It seems like
it's too late to start now.
You're right. You're getting old.
You might break a hip.
Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot.
Okay. Oh. And for the record,
which Brad Pitt are we talking about?
Fight ClubBrad.
Ooh! That's a good Brad.
Malcolm?
Oh, hey, Dave. What's up?
Hey, what are you doing here? I
thought you had work today...
Oh, no.
Look, Dave, I can explain, man.
I just realized that if I had
been wearing a suit, too,
we would look just like Men in Black.
Yep, that is a missed
opportunity, Dave.
Wait, are these job applications?
Yeah. Look, the truth is,
- I got fired yesterday, man.
- What? Why?
Because they wanted me
to do some sleazy stuff
that I wasn't comfortable with.
Whoa.
You mean, like, sex stuff?
No, man. No, I mean, like,
ripping off old ladies.
Oh... whoa.
Well, that's bad, too.
What'd your dad say?
I haven't told him yet. I
mean, you saw him yesterday.
He hasn't looked at me like that
since I was playing ball, man.
He was in a pretty great mood.
You know, after we left your store,
all he wanted to do was
hang out together.
We even split a giant pretzel.
Wait, he split one with you?
Not evenly.
Yeah, well, I can't believe
I finally landed a job and
get fired on my first day.
That's humiliating.
Well, you know what?
Maybe it's a good thing.
You don't want to be stuck in a job
that goes against your morals.
Yeah, but I got to do something.
You will. You're a smart,
hardworking good guy.
A-And I'm not just saying that
because I'm one of your two dads.
Oh, hey, Calvin. You going somewhere?
You know, I thought I'd
surprise Malcolm at work
and take him out to lunch.
Uh... d-don't do that.
Why not?
'Cause I was thinking, we had
such a nice time yesterday,
maybe... maybe we should go
try a pretzel someplace else.
You know, maybe do a little
Pasadena pretzel crawl.
That's a hard pass, Dave.
Hey, but, uh, bring me home one.
All right, well, you got it.
All right, well, you have a good time.
Bye, now. We'll see you later.
Uh... yeah, hey, M-Malcolm.
Yeah, it's Dave.
Your dad is on his way to the store.
No, no, I didn't tell him anything.
I tried to stop him, but apparently,
I made more of our pretzel
experience than he did,
which totally backfired, 'cause
now I got to go get him one.
Hey, Pop. Oh.
Hey. Hey, there you are, man.
I've been looking all over for you.
Yeah, yeah, I was, uh...
I was back there in a meeting.
Mm, must be very important.
- I see you got your suit on.
- Yeah.
Uh... are they talking about
making you manager already?
Oh, well, they definitely
said I wouldn't be
in this position long.
All right. Well, I just came
by to take you out to lunch.
Oh, great, man, I'm starving.
Let's go right now.
Oh, hold on. Don't you have to
check with your boss first?
No, no. After our talk yesterday,
I pretty much make up my own hours.
Well, all right. That's good
right there. But you know what?
Before we go,
I've been thinking about
taking a look at some
of these flat-screens right here,
take advantage of that
employee discount.
Oh, hey, Pop.
Pop, you don't need a new TV, man.
You know what you need?
Uh... this.
- A baby monitor?
- Yup. Yeah.
I-It doesn't just monitor babies.
You can listen to what
mom says about you
when you're not around. Huh?
It would be nice to hear
all those compliments.
All right. That is great.
I will ring it up for you
and bring it home after my shift.
Let's go.
Malcolm.
What are you doing here?
Uh, nothing. Uh, uh,
just going out to lunch with my dad.
H-Hold on. What,
what does he mean by, "What
are you doing here?"
I mean he doesn't work here anymore.
What?
I got fired yesterday, Pop.
Fired? How is that even possible?
I mean, how bad do you
have to be at something
to get fired on your first damn day?
Pretty bad, actually.
He refused to do the job.
Damn it, Malcolm.
I mean, how can you
refuse to do anything?
What I refused to do was
rip people off, Pop,
and sell exploding TVs to old ladies.
Hey, you could've sold
those TVs to anyone.
Oh, h-hold on, now. You wanted
him to sell exploding TVs?
Yes, but with an extended warranty.
I'm not a monster.
All right, look, Pop, man, I
want you to be proud of me,
but not if that means I
can't be proud of myself.
Look, man, don't overthink it.
Some people just aren't
cut out for success.
Oh, oh, oh. Hold on, now.
My son is gonna be a success.
Because he has integrity
and heart and principles,
and that's why I know my son
is gonna rise to the top.
He's not gonna be some
bottom-feeder like you.
All right, whatever.
I just came out of my office to chat up
that hot pregnant lady I saw
on the security camera.
Bye.
Dude's a jackass.
Yeah, look, Pop, I was gonna
tell you the truth, man,
but I just wanted to
find another job first.
Look, man,
I know I put a lot of pressure on you,
but you never have to lie to me
about doing the right thing.
Cool. Thanks, Pop.
All right. So how about
we get that lunch?
Sounds good to me. Where we going?
First restaurant we see
with a "help wanted" sign.
How's it going, Mom?
Uh, okay, but it's
harder than I thought.
Maybe you should have some tea.
Miss Tina says it makes
everything better.
What else did Miss Tina teach you?
Well, she taught me to always start
by waving to your audience.
Hey, Quincy.
Now, let's start with a simple scale.
Okay.
Grover, that's really good.
I thought you didn't
like playing piano.
I didn't. But I think maybe
I like playing with you.
Well, we could take lessons
from Miss Tina together.
That sounds fun.
But first, let's give
some love to our fans.
Yeah.
Who are you waving at?
Oh, just this guy named Brad.
Any news about Malcolm's job interview?
Eh, not yet. Haven't heard anything.
Oh, my God, it is killing me.
I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
I know. I got your texts
at 2:00, 3:00 and 4:00 a.m.
Look, I'm trying not to
worry about it too much.
Oh, yeah, totally, duh.
What was I thinking?
But it has got to be killing you.
I mean, it is an epic
story to be the father
of a son who almost
made it to the majors,
only to suffer a career-ending injury
and then be rudderless for years.
But now he's back.
He's ready to carve out a path,
but who knows doing what?
You know, I never actually thought
I'd hear myself say this, but...
Dave, can we just talk about you?
Oh, y-yeah, totally. Of-of course.
What about me? Well...
I'm just so nervous about Malcolm!
Look.
This is his first interview in a while.
We're not even sure
if he's gonna get it.
So, when he gets here,
let's just play it cool.
- Yeah.
- All right?
- Hey, guys.
- Did you get it?
Did you get it? Come on, now.
Spit it out, boy.
Pop. I got the job.
- Yeah! All right.
- Yes!
- Okay.
- Come on...
Here we go.
- Dave, excuse me.
- Oh.
Gosh. I'm-I'm sorry.
- All right.
- All right.
Hey, everybody. Listen to Malcolm.
- Well, turns out...
- He got the job!
Oh, my God! He got the job! Oh, baby!
I am so proud of you. I
knew you could do it.
Aw, thanks, Ma, I appreciate it.
Yeah, man, congrats.
Now you can pay me back
that 50 bucks you owe me.
Man...
But seriously, congrats.
But seriously, 50 bucks.
Get out of here, man.
- This is big, Malcolm.
- Mm-hmm.
I mean, you're putting
yourself back out there
and years from now, you're
gonna look back on this day
- as a turning point in your life.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, I don't know, Pop,
y'all are making too big
a deal out of this, man.
I am selling TVs at
Powerhouse Electronics.
I'm not pitching in the World Series.
Look, son. I know this
is not your dream job.
But it doesn't mean that this can't be
a stepping stone to something real.
I mean, with your smarts,
and your work ethic,
in a couple years, you
could be working yourself
up the corporate ladder.
I don't know, Pop.
I've never worked in sales before.
Well, you're in luck.
I mean, I've had my
auto shop for 30 years.
I could teach you all
about the ABC's of sales.
Always Be Calvin.
You mean, be grouchy
and always forget to put
the toilet seat down?
N-No, babe.
Be confident.
- Be charming.
- Mm-hmm.
And always make it about
the customer's needs.
This customer
really needs you to put
the toilet seat down.
- Okay, babe.
- Okay.
Look, I'm-a show you how
it's done, all right?
- Marty.
- All right.
- Huh?
- Pretend to be a customer.
Oh, sure.
Excuse me, sir. Do you work here?
Why yes, I do.
How can I help you?
Oh, well, you may want to know
that I was just in the bathroom
and somebody left the toilet seat up.
Well, perhaps you have a
question about televisions.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Does this model have
VGA and HDMI inputs?
And can it handle both
NTSC and PAL frame rates?
'Cause I don't want to
be region-locked on a 4K
when 8Ks are right around the corner.
You know what I'm saying, big dog?
I'll handle this, bro. Why don't
you go check on them toilets.
I love that we're
afternoon friends now.
Yeah, yeah, I know,
but when you said that we
would be day drinking,
this is not exactly what I had in mind.
Ooh, Gemma, this Earl Grey
tastes like Chardonnay.
The tea cup makes me feel less guilty.
So I see you guys got a piano.
Who plays?
Grover started taking lessons,
but he's not really that into it.
He doesn't like his teacher.
See, there's your problem right there.
When teaching piano,
you have to have fun.
I didn't know you played.
Yeah, I started when I
was about Grover's age.
My mom was the church organist.
I used to sit next to her
while she'd teach me how
to play gospel songs,
but she would add curse
words in it to make it fun.
Like "hell-elujah"?
Gemma, that's blasphemous.
Well, I hope Grover can be
as good as you someday.
Do you know any fun piano teachers?
Well, I know the most fun one of all...
me.
Oh, my God, that would be so great.
But, are you sure it's
not an imposition?
No, not at all. I'll put up with
a lot for 50 bucks an hour.
Oh, man, look at the size of these TVs.
I know.
My first TV, the screen was this big.
- My first TV was black and white.
- Huh.
Kind of like you and me.
Yeah, except I can't turn you off.
What are you guys doing here?
Well, your dad just wanted
to see you in action.
Yeah, and I was halfway
down the driveway
when Dave jumped in
the back of my truck.
Well, I appreciate you guys
coming out to support me,
but, uh, I'm on the clock.
Oh, look how professional he is.
Yeah, got his shirt all
tucked in and his khakis.
Hi there. Are you gentlemen
being taken care of?
Are you kidding?
This is the most impressive
salesman I've ever met.
I mean, tell me the truth,
how many times has he been
employee of the month?
Uh, well, actually,
this is his first day.
- What?
- What?
Uh-uh. Uh-uh.
Well, you know, you have
one heck of a salesman
here in, uh...
- Malcolm.
- Yeah.
Let me guess, these are your dads?
Yup. They sure are.
Oh, no, we are not. I'm his dad.
And I'm his neighbor,
but we're best friends.
Okay, well, if you don't mind,
there's a lady over there
who's actually interested
- in buying something.
- Oh, please.
Can you believe that guy
actually thought we were a couple?
Please, you could do worse.
Okay, Grover, I guarantee
you this piano lesson
is gonna be a lot more fun.
How do you know?
Because I've already had my tea.
Now, the first step
is to visualize your audience.
I like to imagine
that I'm walking on stage
at the Apollo Theater.
Oh, oh, thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, hello.
- Who are you waving at?
- Quincy Jones.
- Who's that?
- Just a guy I used to date.
Okay, now-now, come on, show me
how you're gonna walk onto the stage.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, come on, Grove, that's all you got?
Listen, these imaginary people
paid a lot of money to come see you.
Now strut your stuff, man. Come on.
Uh-huh, okay.
That's good.
Okay. Get it.
Oh, okay.
All right, all right.
Little rock star, you haven't
dropped the album as of yet.
Now, most teachers teach
you how to play music.
I'm gonna teach you how to feel music.
Tell me how this makes you feel.
- Scared.
- Mm.
Like getting your credit
ran at a furniture store.
Now how about this?
- Happy?
- Oh!
Like getting your credit approved,
now you can get that waterbed!
Can I just go back to
waving at my fans now?
Yeah, but they're not
gonna cheer you on
unless you play something, baby.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
Good thing our piano
has this demo button.
Okay, mama's gonna need some more tea.
I'll be back.
Hey, Trevor, you wanted to see me?
Yeah, come on in.
I was looking over the receipts,
and you sold four TVs today?
Is that a good thing?
Yeah, yeah, four TVs is great.
Thank God. Man, I thought
I was in trouble.
Oh, you are.
Does it have something to
do with one of my two dads?
Malcolm, it's great
that you sold four TVs,
but we make our real
money on peripherals.
You know, cables, warranties,
home installations.
Yeah, I offered that to
all of my customers,
but nobody was interested.
Then you have to convince
people that they need them.
Like that little old lady
you sold to earlier.
If you had told her she
needed a warranty,
she would've bought it.
She was 80 years old, man. She
didn't need a 15-year warranty.
Then why didn't you sign her up
for our in-store credit card?
With 18% interest?
Exactly. See, that's how
we really get them.
Now go back out there
and make me proud.
Oh, and push the 65-inch Hamagakis.
They're about to be
recalled for exploding.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, Trevor,
I don't think I'm comfortable
selling people stuff
they don't need, man,
or that should come with
a fire extinguisher.
Okay, got it. Totally understand.
- Cool.
- You're fired.
What?
Look, man, clearly you're a good guy.
If I knew that, I
wouldn't have hired you.
Hold on, let's not be
too hasty, all right.
I am not such a good guy.
I can do much worse.
Mm, nah, man, not buying it. I
feel like you're lying to me,
which is good, but too late.
All right, fine.
But I hope one of them Hamagakis
blows up in your face.
No, you don't.
Damn, you're right. I don't.
Congratulations! Congratulations!
You did it!
Sorry about that.
Probably should've thrown
that from farther away.
Uh, wow, guys.
You shouldn't have.
You really shouldn't have.
Yeah, man. I agree.
It's just your first day.
And some of us
have been employed for years, you know,
as a rocket scientist.
Have you ever sold anybody a rocket?
Daddy, that's not how it works, man.
We're just so happy for you.
Yeah. Way to go, Malcolm.
- Oh.
- Aw.
Hey, thanks, little man.
Son, you know I've been hard on you
these last couple years, but...
seeing you at work today,
I'm proud of you, son.
So, how was your first day?
It was, um...
unbelievable.
Yeah, it was!
All right!
Come on, son. Everybody wants
to hear about your day.
Um, you know, Pop, I, um...
I sold some stuff, people
bought some stuff,
and then I talked to my boss
about my future at the company.
See, that's what I'm
talking about right there.
See?
Does anybody want to hear about my day?
Today, my satellite
discovered a new supernova.
Okay, not now, Marty. Listen,
um...
so, did you use any of my techniques?
Uh, every single one of 'em, Pop.
That's my boy right there.
Just sayin',
I am also your boy.
So, did you
use any of my techniques today?
Well, I repositioned a
telemetry transponder
from 60 million miles away.
So all I'm hearing is "no."
So, Grover said his piano
lesson went great.
Ah. Yeah, he danced for five minutes,
gave me his autograph, and then quit.
What? He quit?
Yeah. He dropped the mic,
threw two fingers to the sky, and said,
"Peace out, Pasadena! Grover
has left the building!"
No, he can't quit.
I stopped taking lessons
when I was his age,
and I've regretted it ever since.
Oh, wow. I didn't know
you wanted to play.
Yeah.
I have this fantasy where
I'm at a boring party,
but there's a piano across the room.
The crowd parts.
I float over to it
and start tickling those ivories.
Next thing you know,
there's a crowd gathered
around me making requests.
And for some reason, Brad
Pitt is sitting next to me
with his shirt off.
So, you're making Grover take lessons
because you regret giving it up.
Well, yeah.
Isn't living vicariously
through our kids
half the reason why we have
them in the first place?
Why don't you stop forcing Grover
to do something he doesn't want to do
and let me give you lessons instead?
Oh, I don't know. It seems like
it's too late to start now.
You're right. You're getting old.
You might break a hip.
Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot.
Okay. Oh. And for the record,
which Brad Pitt are we talking about?
Fight ClubBrad.
Ooh! That's a good Brad.
Malcolm?
Oh, hey, Dave. What's up?
Hey, what are you doing here? I
thought you had work today...
Oh, no.
Look, Dave, I can explain, man.
I just realized that if I had
been wearing a suit, too,
we would look just like Men in Black.
Yep, that is a missed
opportunity, Dave.
Wait, are these job applications?
Yeah. Look, the truth is,
- I got fired yesterday, man.
- What? Why?
Because they wanted me
to do some sleazy stuff
that I wasn't comfortable with.
Whoa.
You mean, like, sex stuff?
No, man. No, I mean, like,
ripping off old ladies.
Oh... whoa.
Well, that's bad, too.
What'd your dad say?
I haven't told him yet. I
mean, you saw him yesterday.
He hasn't looked at me like that
since I was playing ball, man.
He was in a pretty great mood.
You know, after we left your store,
all he wanted to do was
hang out together.
We even split a giant pretzel.
Wait, he split one with you?
Not evenly.
Yeah, well, I can't believe
I finally landed a job and
get fired on my first day.
That's humiliating.
Well, you know what?
Maybe it's a good thing.
You don't want to be stuck in a job
that goes against your morals.
Yeah, but I got to do something.
You will. You're a smart,
hardworking good guy.
A-And I'm not just saying that
because I'm one of your two dads.
Oh, hey, Calvin. You going somewhere?
You know, I thought I'd
surprise Malcolm at work
and take him out to lunch.
Uh... d-don't do that.
Why not?
'Cause I was thinking, we had
such a nice time yesterday,
maybe... maybe we should go
try a pretzel someplace else.
You know, maybe do a little
Pasadena pretzel crawl.
That's a hard pass, Dave.
Hey, but, uh, bring me home one.
All right, well, you got it.
All right, well, you have a good time.
Bye, now. We'll see you later.
Uh... yeah, hey, M-Malcolm.
Yeah, it's Dave.
Your dad is on his way to the store.
No, no, I didn't tell him anything.
I tried to stop him, but apparently,
I made more of our pretzel
experience than he did,
which totally backfired, 'cause
now I got to go get him one.
Hey, Pop. Oh.
Hey. Hey, there you are, man.
I've been looking all over for you.
Yeah, yeah, I was, uh...
I was back there in a meeting.
Mm, must be very important.
- I see you got your suit on.
- Yeah.
Uh... are they talking about
making you manager already?
Oh, well, they definitely
said I wouldn't be
in this position long.
All right. Well, I just came
by to take you out to lunch.
Oh, great, man, I'm starving.
Let's go right now.
Oh, hold on. Don't you have to
check with your boss first?
No, no. After our talk yesterday,
I pretty much make up my own hours.
Well, all right. That's good
right there. But you know what?
Before we go,
I've been thinking about
taking a look at some
of these flat-screens right here,
take advantage of that
employee discount.
Oh, hey, Pop.
Pop, you don't need a new TV, man.
You know what you need?
Uh... this.
- A baby monitor?
- Yup. Yeah.
I-It doesn't just monitor babies.
You can listen to what
mom says about you
when you're not around. Huh?
It would be nice to hear
all those compliments.
All right. That is great.
I will ring it up for you
and bring it home after my shift.
Let's go.
Malcolm.
What are you doing here?
Uh, nothing. Uh, uh,
just going out to lunch with my dad.
H-Hold on. What,
what does he mean by, "What
are you doing here?"
I mean he doesn't work here anymore.
What?
I got fired yesterday, Pop.
Fired? How is that even possible?
I mean, how bad do you
have to be at something
to get fired on your first damn day?
Pretty bad, actually.
He refused to do the job.
Damn it, Malcolm.
I mean, how can you
refuse to do anything?
What I refused to do was
rip people off, Pop,
and sell exploding TVs to old ladies.
Hey, you could've sold
those TVs to anyone.
Oh, h-hold on, now. You wanted
him to sell exploding TVs?
Yes, but with an extended warranty.
I'm not a monster.
All right, look, Pop, man, I
want you to be proud of me,
but not if that means I
can't be proud of myself.
Look, man, don't overthink it.
Some people just aren't
cut out for success.
Oh, oh, oh. Hold on, now.
My son is gonna be a success.
Because he has integrity
and heart and principles,
and that's why I know my son
is gonna rise to the top.
He's not gonna be some
bottom-feeder like you.
All right, whatever.
I just came out of my office to chat up
that hot pregnant lady I saw
on the security camera.
Bye.
Dude's a jackass.
Yeah, look, Pop, I was gonna
tell you the truth, man,
but I just wanted to
find another job first.
Look, man,
I know I put a lot of pressure on you,
but you never have to lie to me
about doing the right thing.
Cool. Thanks, Pop.
All right. So how about
we get that lunch?
Sounds good to me. Where we going?
First restaurant we see
with a "help wanted" sign.
How's it going, Mom?
Uh, okay, but it's
harder than I thought.
Maybe you should have some tea.
Miss Tina says it makes
everything better.
What else did Miss Tina teach you?
Well, she taught me to always start
by waving to your audience.
Hey, Quincy.
Now, let's start with a simple scale.
Okay.
Grover, that's really good.
I thought you didn't
like playing piano.
I didn't. But I think maybe
I like playing with you.
Well, we could take lessons
from Miss Tina together.
That sounds fun.
But first, let's give
some love to our fans.
Yeah.
Who are you waving at?
Oh, just this guy named Brad.