The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 3 - Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary - full transcript

No, no, no.

Oh, boy, I've heard that before.
What'd you do, ask him to marry you?

All I did was ask if I could go
to Atlantic City with a bunch of guys.

You know, honey, he's probably relating
to when he was your age

and wild and crazy.

No, that can't be.

You just don't know how to work
your father like I do.

No, I don't look as good in a halter top
as you do.

Fran looked absolutely breathtaking
in her wedding gown, didn't she?

Yeah.

-Are you guys busy?
-Nanny Fine, I am preparing Maxwell



for a live TV interview.
He doesn't have any time

for your mindless dribble.

Don't you look radiant this morning.

Well, maybe because you were
so electrifying last night.

When did you start smoking again?

Somewhere between I and do.

MaxwelI, wanna talk to you
about Brighton going to Atlantic City.

No, darling, Brighton and I have discussed
this at length.

He knows how I feel about it
and I'm adamant.

Well, I think that--
Is adamant good or bad?

Bad.

Well, I think, that we should reopen
the discussion.

There is nothing left to discuss.
I have made up my mind.

He's not going. Case closed.



I'm sorry, Fran. I didn't mean to cause
a problem between you and Dad.

I don't know if you saw the way he blew
you off like that.

I mean, it seems to me like
he doesn't respect you or your opinion.

Look, I know, what you're doing.
It's not gonna work.

Playing one parent against the other is
the oldest trick in the book.

How could you not respect me
or my opinion?

What are you talking about?
Of course, I respect your opinion.

-Don't I?
-Absolutely, sir.

Well, maybe when I happen to agree
with you.

Absolutely, madam.

And when does her opinion agree with mine?

-Never, sir.
-And when has he ever even asked me

-my opinion?
-Never, ma'am.

Niles, would you just stop being
so wishy-washy?

Would you just say
what you really think?

I can't. You sign my checks.
You keep my secrets.

You hired me first.
But you'll probably live longer.

How can I pick an answer that'll be
most beneficial to Niles?

You know, I knew a little girl
when I was growing up.

And her parents didn't let her go away
with her friends.

And do you know what she ended
up doing? Shoplifting.

-Well, what happened to her?
-She married you.

And you see, how marvelously it turned
out for her.

I'm his father. I know what's best.

-And what am I?
-You're the nanny.

You called me the N word.

Did you hear that, Niles?

-Do you get the house in the settlement?
-Uh-huh.

Every word of it.

She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens

'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes

What was she to do? Where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny

So, over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door

She was there to sell makeup,
but the father saw more

She had style, She had flair
She was there

That's how she became the Nanny

Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

Was just exactly
what the doctor prescribed?

-Now the father finds her beguiling
-Watch out, C.C.!

-And the kids are actually smiling
-Such joie de vivre!

She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan

The flashy girl from Flushing
The Nanny named Fran

I hate theme day at the home.

And why do they always have to pick
Hawaii?

Well, maybe so everybody could wear
their regular clothes.

Yetta, I wanted to talk to you.
Me and Max had a fight.

And, honey, you better start drinking
some more milk.

-You're getting a real hump back here.
-No, I put my brassiere on backwards.

It's easier to hook it in the front.

You know, I'm thinking maybe I came
to the wrong place for advice.

So why are you here?

Well, I wanted to talk to you because
I knew Ma would have a conniption

if she knew that me
and Maxwell already had a fight.

Oh my God!

What did you do to my son?

Ma, what are you doing here?

I've never been to Hawaii.

You should go back and beg forgiveness.

-Why do you always take his side?
-You're right.

At your age, with your background,
there are plenty of millionaire producers.

All right, I get the point.

Meanwhile, I want him to start thinking
of me as his equal, not as his nanny.

Whatever turns him on.

Your father used to like me to dress
up like a French maid.

With Grandpa, it was Heidi.

He'd put his hair in little braids.

I'd put on the long beard.

Well, I'm beginning to see the future
and it ain't pretty.

Ma, what am I gonna do?

I mean, I want Maxwell to stop thinking
of me as his nanny

and start thinking of me as his wife.

Well, act like his wife.

If you don't get what you want,
deny him his...

wowee.

Ma, I'm a grown woman.

You could say the real word.

And I'm not going to deny him
the bing-bing.

Your mother's right.

I've been holding out on your grandfather
for the past 25 years.

But he's been dead for 26.

Don't judge me.

All right, I'm gonna give
this holding-out thing a shot.

I figure, 20 minutes, he'll say,
"I'm sorry" and be begging for bing-bing.

The man is gonna want me so much.

When I deny him, he's gonna go crazy.

Hello, darling. I've been thinking
about this afternoon

and I really do think I made the right
decision about not letting Brighton go.

You do, do you?

Well, you haven't seen this pose.

Well, honey, if that's the way you feel,
that's the way you feel.

Here he comes. No, no, no.

Does he smell delicious?

Well, I'm glad you understand how I feel,
sweetheart.

Isn't it wonderful how we're
communicating as a married couple?

What'd he say? Who cares?

Is that a tushy.

-Don't you think so?
-Yeah.

So how was your day at Yetta's?

How much can a woman take?

Well, I know those homes can be
a little depressing but, you know,

Yetta forgets that she's there.
So every day is like

a new adventure for her.

Well, I've got an early start tomorrow.

And here comes the robe.

Good night, sweetheart.

God, I can't take it anymore.

I'm sorry, honey.

Harry Winston earrings.

I see denying your husband
worked out beautifully.

Ma, of all the times that I ignored
your advice,

this was the best time I ever had.

What do you mean you didn't take
my advice?

Why couldn't you hold out like I do?

Because my husband looks like James Bond
and your husband looks like James Coco.

James Coco? I wish.

Well, I gotta go now.

I've got a very important thing
to take care of before dinner.

-What?
-Lunch.

What are you doing here?
I thought you were gonna go

with Maxwell to Entertainment Tonight.

You know, how he gets. He said,
"Darling, you know I want you by my side

but I'd just be so nervous knowing

someone I loved was watching me
so closely."

Yeah, I know, I was standing next to you.
He was talking to me.

"Where are the hell are
my manila envelopes?" That was for you.

Look, he's on. He's on. You know,
he really wanted me to be by his side.

But he said he'd be too nervous
having me watching him so closely.

-He was talking to me.
-He was talking to me. Okay.

Let's get this straight.
Wife, butler, manila envelope getter.

He's on. He looks good.

In control, no nervous laughter.

-It's great to have you here, Maxwell.
-Thanks, Bob.

Yeah, we're gonna get to your new show
in just a second. But I understand

that congratulations are in order.

Why you're laughing. What?

-Am I?
-Well, yeah.

Well, anyway, congratulations to you
and the new Mrs. Sheffield.

-It's great.
-Who?

My nanny.

Right. What? You married your nanny?

No, she-- Not my nanny.
She used to be my nanny.

Well, what does she do now?

Same thing she did when she was my nanny.
Nothing.

No, I mean, not my wife.
My nanny did nothing.

My wife is a...

Hope you're not seeing this.

You poor woman.

For a husband to treat his wife that way.
You see, that is why I never got married.

Yeah, that's why.

-Hi, Val.
-Fran, I saw ET last night. I am so sorry.

But don't worry,
I got the perfect solution.

No, it's okay. We made up last night.
He was just nervous.

It was a slip of the tongue.

Is that a new necklace?

Yeah. Matches the earrings.

I think, Maxwell is beginning to realize
that he cannot afford

to keep making these mistakes.

What was your solution?

Well, I've been thinking about it.

And he's always gonna see you
as the nanny until...

Until what?

Well, that's as far as I thought it out.

How about until I hire another nanny?

Sure. Easy after I gave you
the first part.

No, I already hired one,
for your information.

And it wasn't easy either finding a woman
that's great with the kids like I am

and gets along with Maxwell.

Because you know, while he's working
at the house, he's gonna see a lot of her.

Good morning, Mrs. Sheffield.

Good morning, Nanny Bower.

Would you like a biscuit?

No, that would not be proper etiquette
for the nanny to sit down

and eat with her employers.

I guess, I cut Nanny College that day.

You know, if you don't mind,
I think that I will just go

and pick up Grace from ballet
and take Brighton to the dentist.

When are you gonna do your nails
and your hair, go shopping at Loehmann's?

I do all that on my day off, ma'am.

-Day off? That's...
-I never thought of that. Well.

Well, I guess I'm a lady of leisure, Val.

Now I just gotta figure out
what a lady of leisure does.

Yeah.

Niles, tell me, what did
the first Mrs. Sheffield do

with all of her free time?

Well, she loved to do her own dusting,
cleaning, and vacuuming.

All right, she spent a lot of time
at a country club.

That sounds lovely.

Hey, I wonder if they've got
a water slide.

Gee, I'm beginning to think that
I'm the first brunette

that's ever been allowed in this club.

So you're not enjoying
your first day here?

Well, to tell you the truth,
I'm a little turned off.

I mean, no one's playing Marco Polo
in the pool and for the clubhouse,

no comedian.

You'd think with a place like
this they'd have

at least one Pac-Man machine in the lobby.

What do people do around here?

Well, when in Rome.

Can I have a mochachino blended
with Equal, please?

Make it a venti.

Fran.

Dad, have you seen Fran?

Now, Grace, you can't go on running off
to Fran for every little thing.

She's no longer the nanny, you know?
She's my wife now.

Wow, one night on the couch
sure whipped you into shape.

I did not spend the night on the couch.

Fran and I made up.

Now, why don't you let me help you
with your problem?

Well, Dad...

all my friends
are already on their cycles.

Why aren't I?

Well, you see, we didn't have
to bother Fran with that.

I'll buy you a bicycle.

Dad, I'm talking about my period.

Fran, darling.

-Fran.
-Mrs. Sheffield is at the club, sir.

Is there something I can do for you?

No. Thank you.

You know, sir, nobody seems to need me
for anything around here.

I mean, if you don't mind my asking,
what did the last nanny do?

Well, she...

she would...

Niles...

Well, in addition to tending
to the children,

her duties were dusting, cleaning,
vacuuming.

No, I am onto you.

Your daughter C.C. warned me
about your shenanigans.

Well, actually, besides taking care
of the children

I suppose the nanny would make sure
the tie that she picked out for me

matched the shoes
that she had picked out for me.

Then she'd make reservations
for dinner for myself and...

and her.

Then sometimes when I was working late
at night, she'd come in here to the office

jump up on my desk, cross her legs
in a most enticing manner.

Well,

No! No!

Not necessary.

Hated that. Didn't care for it at all. No.

You know, it's really none of my business,

but it sounds to me like she was more
of a wife than a nanny.

Well, that's why I married her.

I was under the impression
that your nanny was a nightmare.

-Who in the devil told you that?
-Your first wife. C.C.

-Hi, honey.
-Thank God you're home.

I went up to Dad
and I was completely honest with him.

And I told him that I wanted to spend
the night over at my boyfriend's house.

And he said no.

You were completely honest
with your father?

Honey, one day I'm gone, and already
this whole place is falling apart.

Fran, I mean, I'm 20 years old.

I mean, doesn't Dad know that...

You know...

I'm active.

You're doing the bing-bing?

Honey, you know...

I love that you feel so comfortable
that you want to be totally honest with me

so let me be totally honest with you.

Get upstairs. What are you, crazy?

And you're never leaving the house again.

-Darling, you're back.
-Hi, sweetie.

-How was your day as a lady of leisure?
-You know, not good.

I am sorry, well, if you didn't enjoy
yourself,

you don't have to go back there.

Good, because we're not allowed there
anymore.

Darling, as a matter of fact,
I was gonna come down to the club

and bring you home.
Grace has a little problem.

It seems that she's the only one
of her classmates

whose "friend" hasn't visited her.

Honey, you're so archaic.
I learned that at the club.

Anyway, don't worry, I'll talk to her.

I'll simply explain to her the longer
her friend takes to visit

the happier we'll all be.

Who ate the last Nutter Butter?
And why don't we have any backup?

Well, welcome to hell, honey.

I'm glad you're home.

You and me both, sweetie.

You know, I'm not cut out
to be one of those fancy wives

whose nanny knows their kids
better than they do.

I wanna be the nanny.

And I want you to be the nanny.

That's who I fell in love with.

That's who's raised my kids
so beautifully.

And that's who I wanted to marry me.

What a sweet thing to say. I love you.

I love you, my darling.

Good, you guys made up.

I gotta tell you, I was torturing myself.

I mean, I'm upstairs,

I'm beginning to think
this entire thing was all my fault.

But yet, here you are, you're trying
to raise me as a very mature--

You're still not going to Atlantic City.

Yeah, well-- Okay. Yeah.

See, darling, we are both equals.

He hates us both.

Well, you know, I think that I could be
very happy

being the nanny and your wife.

Well, what do you say I take the two
of you upstairs?

Mr. Sheffield.

You're embarrassing me.

Which one do you want
to be wearing this?

Could you just excuse me
for one moment, please?

The agency sent another nanny over.

Well, just tell her
that we're not replacing Nanny Bowers.

Please, couldn't we just hire her
for the day?

The cast of All My Children is signing
pictures at Paramus Mall.

Niles. Erica Kane coming?

I guess we're hiring a new nanny.

Hi.

I'm sorry, but the position
has already been filled.

-Thank you very much.
-But--

Are you out of your mind?