The Nanny (1993–1999): Season 6, Episode 2 - Fran Gets Shushed - full transcript
During their first night together in the house, Maxwell "shushes" Fran because he thinks she's making too much noise and that she'll be heard by the kids. Basically, Maxwell thinks that Fran is too "loud" and Fran thinks that Maxwell is too uptight. They get into a terrible argument about what is to them a fundamental aspect of who each other is. After speaking to their respective confidantes - Fran with Sylvia and Maxwell with Niles - each decides to compromise to make their marriage work. The first test is a business party in which Maxwell needs Fran to be on her best behavior since a lucrative production could be offered to him by the party's host, playwright Wendell Kent. As usual, Maxwell's main competition for the job is Andrew Lloyd Webber. Things seem to be going well for the Sheffields - Kent is enthralled with vivacious Fran - until they get locked in the bathroom together. Maxwell doesn't want to draw attention to themselves by Fran yelling for help, yet he really needs to relieve himself, something the uptight part of him can't do in front on anyone, including his wife. In accommodating her husband, Fran is the cause of an incident which costs Maxwell the job. Because of the severity of the incident, Fran and Maxwell decide that they are better off being themselves in their marriage. But Maxwell is later grateful for Fran helping him get out of the job.
Darling, please, you've kept me waiting
for 45 whole minutes.
This is torture.
No, sweetie, torture is five years.
Hi, hubby.
Oh, my God, you look gorgeous.
I'm so glad you like it.
Now, let me just take it off.
I saved the box. I'll return it tomorrow.
Darling, wait. You don't have to do that
anymore, remember?
You're a wealthy woman now.
You can buy whatever your heart desires.
Are you good in the bedroom.
Sweetie, do you realize,
how long I've waited for this moment?
Making love to my husband, in my house,
in my bedroom, in my 20s.
I'm so funny.
Max.
Maximillian.
Mr. Sheff--
I'm sorry, darling,
but you were getting a little too loud.
I'm too loud, and now was the time
when you chose to tell me?
Well, perhaps I chose the wrong moment.
You think?
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Well, I just wanted our first night
in the house
from the island to be very special.
Just a little higher, honey.
You know, you're really not getting
into it, darling.
You know, that's because
I keep waiting for the shush.
-I didn't shush you.
-Yeah, but you were about to.
I had that feeling. You were holding back.
Any minute, there was gonna be a shush.
There it is! There it is.
-What are you-- What are you doing?
-You know what?
I can't be with you tonight,
because our relationship
cannot afford one more shush.
So where are you going?
I'm going home to my mother's.
Why don't you just wait till breakfast?
She'll be here.
You know, I cannot believe
how this evening has just disintegrated,
our first night here.
Boy, you know, when we were on the island,
you were turned on by the way I screamed.
In fact, you were so turned on,
that you screamed.
Do you remember how we screamed together?
Do you know how precious that is?
I think it was different then,
we were alone on an island.
Well, we're alone here,
except for this yenta.
She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do? Where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door
She was there to sell makeup,
But the father saw more
She had style! She had flair!
She was there!
That's how she became the nanny
Who would have guessed
That the girl we've described
was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed?
Now the father finds her beguiling
Watch out, C.C.!
And the kids are actually smiling
Such joie de vivre!
She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from Flushing
The nanny named Fran!
I have a gun.
It's me.
And that's a lamb chop. Now, give it to me
before someone gets hurt.
I know that trick.
What are you doing eating baby lamb
at 2 o'clock in the morning, anyway?
I can't take a pill on an empty stomach.
-What are you taking pills for?
-Indigestion.
Ma, me and Max had a horrible fight.
And it was on our first night.
When we were really together
as husband and wife,
in our very own bedroom.
And I'll tell you,
just to make matters worse...
My God, these are like butter.
So, what happened?
Max thinks I'm too loud in the bedroom.
So eat quieter food.
Ma, I think my marriage is falling apart.
I think he's wondering whether
I'm the right person for him or not.
I don't wanna go on and on, but...
Did you marinate this in zesty Italian?
Darling, if you wanna have
a successful marriage, try to adjust.
Your father likes to speak Spanish to me
in the bedroom, and it drives me crazy.
But meanwhile, I learned how to say,
"I have a yellow pencil."
"May I have some extra cheese
on my enchilada?"
-"Where are my--"
-Ma.
I know it's very enlightening to find out
that you can make love
and order from El Pollo Loco,
but can we please get back to my life?
Look, if you wanna have a good marriage,
it's about give and take.
Compromise. That's how you have
a long-lasting relationship.
Ma, you are so wise. I love you.
And when it gets a little heated up,
why don't you do what I do?
You stick a Hostess Sno Ball
in your mouth.
It keeps you quiet for a good 30 seconds.
What do you do with the rest of the time?
What rest of the time?
Come on, please, come out here
and talk to me.
You've been in there forever.
All right. I'm sorry.
Do you think I'm too old for bangs?
So, what did I do that was so wrong?
Well, you don't talk to me nicely.
My birthday's come and gone.
To her, Niles, to her.
Well, was she right?
-I mean, do you think I'm uptight?
-Nope.
-I won't fire you.
-Yep.
But seriously, sir, you know,
marriage is a compromise.
Yes, I know, I know.
When she's passionate,
aggressive, exciting, and I'm--
Not?
Look, would it kill you just for once
in your life to be on my side?
You know, I'm the one who hired you
in the first place.
I'm the one who lets you get away
with all those things,
you think I don't know about.
God, sometimes I wonder
why I bother keeping you on.
That's the passion.
That's what she wants.
That's the man she's looking for.
Although I could live without him.
I was just going out
to get some fresh bagels.
Yeah. Fran, we heard the fight last night.
It happens your voice carries.
All the way to your bedroom?
Yeah, to Michigan.
All right. Okay. It's true.
Your father and I had a little tiff.
But I don't want you kids
to worry about it at all.
I mean, just because I spent the night
at Ma's,
does not mean that we're going to be
getting a divorce.
Then why did Daddy call his attorney?
What?
Kidding.
-Fran. Fran.
-Hi, honey.
You know that pre-med student
that I told you about
that I'm madly in love with?
-Yeah.
-Well, I got a date with him tonight.
Honey, that's fabulous.
I know, and guess what, He's Jewish.
I mean...
I'm not mad at you anymore, honey.
Where the hell is honey?
Hi, sweetie.
What's this?
Well, darling, I heard what you said.
Thought I'd try to be
a little more loosey-goosey.
How sweet.
But you know, honey,
saying loosey-goosey,
just means you're not loosey-goosey.
And I want you to know
that I heard what you said, too.
And well, I'm going to try
and be a little more demure.
What?
Try and be a little more demure.
-What?
-I'm gonna be more demure.
You know, darling, I had a wonderful idea.
What do you say we make arrangements
for the children tonight
and have the whole house to ourselves.
That way, when we come back
from the business dinner,
we can party hearty.
Honey.
Just a hint.
Party hearty,
right up there with loosey-goosey.
Sweetie, you feel so strong.
Makes me feel so demure.
-What?
-Demure.
Well, Brighton's out, Maggie's out.
And Val, thank you so much
for getting Gracie out with you tonight.
Honey, it is no problem at all.
I just had to cancel a date.
Oh no. You had to cancel a date?
No. I just wanted to hear
what it sounded like.
Wow, Fran, you look gorgeous.
Thanks, honey.
Sweetie, There's the door.
Why are you walking that way?
Why you sitting down? What are you doing?
You're making me nervous.
Fran, my new boyfriend's coming over.
I thought you were going out.
Already, he's here all the time?
Doesn't he have a home?
Fran what are you saying?
You want me to go over to his apartment?
Can I trust you at his apartment?
Well, you raised me.
You're going to her house.
Val's? Well, she doesn't even have
her own room.
She lives on her parents' couch.
You'll have privacy.
I just got the accordion door.
I get it. You want everybody out
of the house so that you and Dad can--
Everyone's a critic.
Niles?
What are you doing home on your night off,
rubbing and coughing like that?
I think I'm coming down with something.
You know what would be perfect for that?
A night at the Waldorf Astoria.
All expenses paid.
Room service, Jacuzzi, special movies.
I'm just feeling so awful.
I don't even think,
I could make it into the taxi.
How about a limo?
Stretch?
You know, so I can lie down.
Fine. Fine.
And, Niles, by the way, you know,
when I used to pull this act
with Mr. Sheffield,
I got per diem too.
I can assure you this is not an act.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
-What are you doing, all dressed up?
-What are you doing, all dressed up?
-I have a business dinner with Max.
-I have a business dinner with Max.
Didn't you assume that he was going
to be taking his wife along?
Well, It'd be pretty hard,
considering she's dead.
You meant you.
Miss Babcock, you know,
now that Max and I are married,
I think that it would really be
much better for your health
if you would just go out and get a life.
Get friends, meet people, move on.
No.
I want him, he's mine,
and nobody's gonna take him from me.
And I will tell him that to his face.
Tell me what?
What a stunner your wife is.
You know, she's right, darling.
You are stunning.
Very classy.
And don't think your effort
to compromise has gone unnoticed.
Sweetie, I know, how important
this evening is to you.
-Do you really?
-Yes.
Because in the past,
every time a writer's had to choose
between me and Andrew Lloyd Webber
they've always chosen...
not me.
Honey, you're a wonderful producer.
Don't doubt yourself.
And this time Webber's out of town,
so he won't even be at the party.
Oh, my God, you might really have a shot.
That's why it's important we don't take
any souvenirs from Wendell's house.
Honey, that's why I took my demure purse.
Look, I'm your wife now.
If you want conservative and classy,
you got it.
These crab cakes are delicious.
You know what,
I'm just gonna take a few home
so my mother can re-create it with scrod.
-Darling.
-All right already.
I told you, sir, the recipe would suffice.
Thank you.
Darling, I've just been having a word
with Wendell Kent.
And at the risk of sounding immodest,
he loves me.
Of course, he does, my darling,
and that's why you're gonna get the job.
What's he need with that guy who
brought Cats and Phantom and Sunset?
You know what, I'm gonna shush myself now.
Maxwell, look who I found.
Wendell, I'd like you to meet
my lovely wife.
Yes, she's already introduced herself
to me.
Wendell, you misunderstood.
No. No, Wendell, this is my lovely wife.
How do you do?
The lady who's making every woman
in the room jealous.
Is that because I'm married
to such a handsome husband?
Actually, it's the way you look
in that dress.
Especially from the back.
Stop it. You're embarrassing me.
Now I can't even look at you.
Honey, honey, you did it.
-Wendell wants you to do his play.
-Yes, I know.
And I couldn't have done it without you.
I always want you by my side. Now go.
-Why?
-Because I have to--
Well, I'll wait for you.
I just wanna powder my nose, anyway.
Honey, it's a very classy joint.
I'd pick up the lid.
What's the matter, sweetie?
Too uptight to go in front of me?
Me? Uptight? No. No.
Good.
Honey, you know, I just wanted to say,
if ever we outgrow the townhouse,
boy, this place is the kind of place
we should move into.
-Man, it's always--
-Get out!
I can't do it. I can't do it.
All right, I admit it. I am uptight.
Now, please,
I had two very large martinis. Go.
Okay. All right. Yes, I hear you.
Marriage is all about compromise.
This will just be something
that you'll have to get used to gradually.
No, never, there are certain intimacies
that should never be shared.
But I'm your wife.
Yes, I know, darling,
and I love you very much.
But I'm English.
And in my country,
people don't go in front of their wives.
-What's it, a law or something?
-Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
Why do you think Henry VIII
had so many wives?
They kept walking in on him.
You know, I'm sorry
but this isn't as if I was trying
to invade your space or something.
-I--
-I'm about to explode.
All right, I'll give you your privacy.
I'm going, okay?
Hi.
Boy, you never know a person until
you go through their medicine cabinet.
No bromo, no Tagamet,
no little soap bars from Sheraton Hotel.
Obviously, not a Jewish household.
Oh, God.
Well, this is just ridiculous. Help!
Again, you're shushing me?
I don't want anyone finding us in here.
Do you know what they'll think
we're doing?
Tinkling?
God, that's worse than thinking
what I thought they'd be thinking.
You know, you either let me call for help,
or you learn how to tinkle
in front of your wife.
Those are your choices.
Stop it. You're insane.
I'm insane? I can't scream. You can't go
to the bathroom in front of your wife.
What do you want me to do?
You almost done yet?
Just one more second, darling.
Honey, you should see
the master bedroom suite.
They have that comforter set that I wanted
and the saleslady said
it didn't come in king.
You know, if they have
the dust ruffle too, heads will roll--
Oh, my God!
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
we commit thy servant Wendell Kent to you.
Honey, try and be a little positive.
I mean, I heard that Wendell
left the rights to his plays to his wife.
I think you still might have a shot.
You landed on her husband,
and you crushed him to death.
What kind of shot
do you think I still have?
Don't be such a negative Ned.
Meanwhile, you're here.
I don't see Andrew Lloyd Webber
paying his respects.
He doesn't have to.
His wife didn't crush Wendell to death.
I'm sorry I crushed your writer.
It was a freak accident.
These things happen.
I'm lucky that I walked away
with just this.
It hurts much worse than it looks.
That's the widow.
Well, move.
None of this would've happened
if we weren't trying to change
each other so much.
-I don't know about that.
-Well, let us just recap, shall we?
You tried to loosen up,
I tried to be demure,
and an innocent man is dead.
Now, I just say that we learn to live
with each other exactly the way we are
or senseless bloodshed shall continue.
There's practically no one here.
Honey, what do you expect?
The man was hardly a saint.
I mean, he cheated on his wife,
stole money from his family--
That's the mother.
Can we go?
Oh, good God.
What's he doing?
He's reading the play he lost
to Andrew Lloyd Webber.
It sounds hysterical.
-Fran!
-Tell him I'm working.
No, you're his wife now.
Tell him I'm spending. I'm spending.
Fran, you've gotta read this.
This play is hysterical.
Honey, you're happy? Why?
Because it's a drama. I would have lost
my shirt if you hadn't fallen on Wendell.
-Really?
-Yes!
-May he rest in peace.
-May he rest in peace.
for 45 whole minutes.
This is torture.
No, sweetie, torture is five years.
Hi, hubby.
Oh, my God, you look gorgeous.
I'm so glad you like it.
Now, let me just take it off.
I saved the box. I'll return it tomorrow.
Darling, wait. You don't have to do that
anymore, remember?
You're a wealthy woman now.
You can buy whatever your heart desires.
Are you good in the bedroom.
Sweetie, do you realize,
how long I've waited for this moment?
Making love to my husband, in my house,
in my bedroom, in my 20s.
I'm so funny.
Max.
Maximillian.
Mr. Sheff--
I'm sorry, darling,
but you were getting a little too loud.
I'm too loud, and now was the time
when you chose to tell me?
Well, perhaps I chose the wrong moment.
You think?
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
Well, I just wanted our first night
in the house
from the island to be very special.
Just a little higher, honey.
You know, you're really not getting
into it, darling.
You know, that's because
I keep waiting for the shush.
-I didn't shush you.
-Yeah, but you were about to.
I had that feeling. You were holding back.
Any minute, there was gonna be a shush.
There it is! There it is.
-What are you-- What are you doing?
-You know what?
I can't be with you tonight,
because our relationship
cannot afford one more shush.
So where are you going?
I'm going home to my mother's.
Why don't you just wait till breakfast?
She'll be here.
You know, I cannot believe
how this evening has just disintegrated,
our first night here.
Boy, you know, when we were on the island,
you were turned on by the way I screamed.
In fact, you were so turned on,
that you screamed.
Do you remember how we screamed together?
Do you know how precious that is?
I think it was different then,
we were alone on an island.
Well, we're alone here,
except for this yenta.
She was working in a bridal shop
In Flushing, Queens
'Til her boyfriend kicked her out
In one of those crushing scenes
What was she to do? Where was she to go?
She was out on her fanny
So over the bridge from Flushing
To the Sheffield's door
She was there to sell makeup,
But the father saw more
She had style! She had flair!
She was there!
That's how she became the nanny
Who would have guessed
That the girl we've described
was just exactly what
The doctor prescribed?
Now the father finds her beguiling
Watch out, C.C.!
And the kids are actually smiling
Such joie de vivre!
She's the lady in red
When everybody else is wearing tan
The flashy girl from Flushing
The nanny named Fran!
I have a gun.
It's me.
And that's a lamb chop. Now, give it to me
before someone gets hurt.
I know that trick.
What are you doing eating baby lamb
at 2 o'clock in the morning, anyway?
I can't take a pill on an empty stomach.
-What are you taking pills for?
-Indigestion.
Ma, me and Max had a horrible fight.
And it was on our first night.
When we were really together
as husband and wife,
in our very own bedroom.
And I'll tell you,
just to make matters worse...
My God, these are like butter.
So, what happened?
Max thinks I'm too loud in the bedroom.
So eat quieter food.
Ma, I think my marriage is falling apart.
I think he's wondering whether
I'm the right person for him or not.
I don't wanna go on and on, but...
Did you marinate this in zesty Italian?
Darling, if you wanna have
a successful marriage, try to adjust.
Your father likes to speak Spanish to me
in the bedroom, and it drives me crazy.
But meanwhile, I learned how to say,
"I have a yellow pencil."
"May I have some extra cheese
on my enchilada?"
-"Where are my--"
-Ma.
I know it's very enlightening to find out
that you can make love
and order from El Pollo Loco,
but can we please get back to my life?
Look, if you wanna have a good marriage,
it's about give and take.
Compromise. That's how you have
a long-lasting relationship.
Ma, you are so wise. I love you.
And when it gets a little heated up,
why don't you do what I do?
You stick a Hostess Sno Ball
in your mouth.
It keeps you quiet for a good 30 seconds.
What do you do with the rest of the time?
What rest of the time?
Come on, please, come out here
and talk to me.
You've been in there forever.
All right. I'm sorry.
Do you think I'm too old for bangs?
So, what did I do that was so wrong?
Well, you don't talk to me nicely.
My birthday's come and gone.
To her, Niles, to her.
Well, was she right?
-I mean, do you think I'm uptight?
-Nope.
-I won't fire you.
-Yep.
But seriously, sir, you know,
marriage is a compromise.
Yes, I know, I know.
When she's passionate,
aggressive, exciting, and I'm--
Not?
Look, would it kill you just for once
in your life to be on my side?
You know, I'm the one who hired you
in the first place.
I'm the one who lets you get away
with all those things,
you think I don't know about.
God, sometimes I wonder
why I bother keeping you on.
That's the passion.
That's what she wants.
That's the man she's looking for.
Although I could live without him.
I was just going out
to get some fresh bagels.
Yeah. Fran, we heard the fight last night.
It happens your voice carries.
All the way to your bedroom?
Yeah, to Michigan.
All right. Okay. It's true.
Your father and I had a little tiff.
But I don't want you kids
to worry about it at all.
I mean, just because I spent the night
at Ma's,
does not mean that we're going to be
getting a divorce.
Then why did Daddy call his attorney?
What?
Kidding.
-Fran. Fran.
-Hi, honey.
You know that pre-med student
that I told you about
that I'm madly in love with?
-Yeah.
-Well, I got a date with him tonight.
Honey, that's fabulous.
I know, and guess what, He's Jewish.
I mean...
I'm not mad at you anymore, honey.
Where the hell is honey?
Hi, sweetie.
What's this?
Well, darling, I heard what you said.
Thought I'd try to be
a little more loosey-goosey.
How sweet.
But you know, honey,
saying loosey-goosey,
just means you're not loosey-goosey.
And I want you to know
that I heard what you said, too.
And well, I'm going to try
and be a little more demure.
What?
Try and be a little more demure.
-What?
-I'm gonna be more demure.
You know, darling, I had a wonderful idea.
What do you say we make arrangements
for the children tonight
and have the whole house to ourselves.
That way, when we come back
from the business dinner,
we can party hearty.
Honey.
Just a hint.
Party hearty,
right up there with loosey-goosey.
Sweetie, you feel so strong.
Makes me feel so demure.
-What?
-Demure.
Well, Brighton's out, Maggie's out.
And Val, thank you so much
for getting Gracie out with you tonight.
Honey, it is no problem at all.
I just had to cancel a date.
Oh no. You had to cancel a date?
No. I just wanted to hear
what it sounded like.
Wow, Fran, you look gorgeous.
Thanks, honey.
Sweetie, There's the door.
Why are you walking that way?
Why you sitting down? What are you doing?
You're making me nervous.
Fran, my new boyfriend's coming over.
I thought you were going out.
Already, he's here all the time?
Doesn't he have a home?
Fran what are you saying?
You want me to go over to his apartment?
Can I trust you at his apartment?
Well, you raised me.
You're going to her house.
Val's? Well, she doesn't even have
her own room.
She lives on her parents' couch.
You'll have privacy.
I just got the accordion door.
I get it. You want everybody out
of the house so that you and Dad can--
Everyone's a critic.
Niles?
What are you doing home on your night off,
rubbing and coughing like that?
I think I'm coming down with something.
You know what would be perfect for that?
A night at the Waldorf Astoria.
All expenses paid.
Room service, Jacuzzi, special movies.
I'm just feeling so awful.
I don't even think,
I could make it into the taxi.
How about a limo?
Stretch?
You know, so I can lie down.
Fine. Fine.
And, Niles, by the way, you know,
when I used to pull this act
with Mr. Sheffield,
I got per diem too.
I can assure you this is not an act.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
-What are you doing, all dressed up?
-What are you doing, all dressed up?
-I have a business dinner with Max.
-I have a business dinner with Max.
Didn't you assume that he was going
to be taking his wife along?
Well, It'd be pretty hard,
considering she's dead.
You meant you.
Miss Babcock, you know,
now that Max and I are married,
I think that it would really be
much better for your health
if you would just go out and get a life.
Get friends, meet people, move on.
No.
I want him, he's mine,
and nobody's gonna take him from me.
And I will tell him that to his face.
Tell me what?
What a stunner your wife is.
You know, she's right, darling.
You are stunning.
Very classy.
And don't think your effort
to compromise has gone unnoticed.
Sweetie, I know, how important
this evening is to you.
-Do you really?
-Yes.
Because in the past,
every time a writer's had to choose
between me and Andrew Lloyd Webber
they've always chosen...
not me.
Honey, you're a wonderful producer.
Don't doubt yourself.
And this time Webber's out of town,
so he won't even be at the party.
Oh, my God, you might really have a shot.
That's why it's important we don't take
any souvenirs from Wendell's house.
Honey, that's why I took my demure purse.
Look, I'm your wife now.
If you want conservative and classy,
you got it.
These crab cakes are delicious.
You know what,
I'm just gonna take a few home
so my mother can re-create it with scrod.
-Darling.
-All right already.
I told you, sir, the recipe would suffice.
Thank you.
Darling, I've just been having a word
with Wendell Kent.
And at the risk of sounding immodest,
he loves me.
Of course, he does, my darling,
and that's why you're gonna get the job.
What's he need with that guy who
brought Cats and Phantom and Sunset?
You know what, I'm gonna shush myself now.
Maxwell, look who I found.
Wendell, I'd like you to meet
my lovely wife.
Yes, she's already introduced herself
to me.
Wendell, you misunderstood.
No. No, Wendell, this is my lovely wife.
How do you do?
The lady who's making every woman
in the room jealous.
Is that because I'm married
to such a handsome husband?
Actually, it's the way you look
in that dress.
Especially from the back.
Stop it. You're embarrassing me.
Now I can't even look at you.
Honey, honey, you did it.
-Wendell wants you to do his play.
-Yes, I know.
And I couldn't have done it without you.
I always want you by my side. Now go.
-Why?
-Because I have to--
Well, I'll wait for you.
I just wanna powder my nose, anyway.
Honey, it's a very classy joint.
I'd pick up the lid.
What's the matter, sweetie?
Too uptight to go in front of me?
Me? Uptight? No. No.
Good.
Honey, you know, I just wanted to say,
if ever we outgrow the townhouse,
boy, this place is the kind of place
we should move into.
-Man, it's always--
-Get out!
I can't do it. I can't do it.
All right, I admit it. I am uptight.
Now, please,
I had two very large martinis. Go.
Okay. All right. Yes, I hear you.
Marriage is all about compromise.
This will just be something
that you'll have to get used to gradually.
No, never, there are certain intimacies
that should never be shared.
But I'm your wife.
Yes, I know, darling,
and I love you very much.
But I'm English.
And in my country,
people don't go in front of their wives.
-What's it, a law or something?
-Yes, as a matter of fact, it is.
Why do you think Henry VIII
had so many wives?
They kept walking in on him.
You know, I'm sorry
but this isn't as if I was trying
to invade your space or something.
-I--
-I'm about to explode.
All right, I'll give you your privacy.
I'm going, okay?
Hi.
Boy, you never know a person until
you go through their medicine cabinet.
No bromo, no Tagamet,
no little soap bars from Sheraton Hotel.
Obviously, not a Jewish household.
Oh, God.
Well, this is just ridiculous. Help!
Again, you're shushing me?
I don't want anyone finding us in here.
Do you know what they'll think
we're doing?
Tinkling?
God, that's worse than thinking
what I thought they'd be thinking.
You know, you either let me call for help,
or you learn how to tinkle
in front of your wife.
Those are your choices.
Stop it. You're insane.
I'm insane? I can't scream. You can't go
to the bathroom in front of your wife.
What do you want me to do?
You almost done yet?
Just one more second, darling.
Honey, you should see
the master bedroom suite.
They have that comforter set that I wanted
and the saleslady said
it didn't come in king.
You know, if they have
the dust ruffle too, heads will roll--
Oh, my God!
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,
we commit thy servant Wendell Kent to you.
Honey, try and be a little positive.
I mean, I heard that Wendell
left the rights to his plays to his wife.
I think you still might have a shot.
You landed on her husband,
and you crushed him to death.
What kind of shot
do you think I still have?
Don't be such a negative Ned.
Meanwhile, you're here.
I don't see Andrew Lloyd Webber
paying his respects.
He doesn't have to.
His wife didn't crush Wendell to death.
I'm sorry I crushed your writer.
It was a freak accident.
These things happen.
I'm lucky that I walked away
with just this.
It hurts much worse than it looks.
That's the widow.
Well, move.
None of this would've happened
if we weren't trying to change
each other so much.
-I don't know about that.
-Well, let us just recap, shall we?
You tried to loosen up,
I tried to be demure,
and an innocent man is dead.
Now, I just say that we learn to live
with each other exactly the way we are
or senseless bloodshed shall continue.
There's practically no one here.
Honey, what do you expect?
The man was hardly a saint.
I mean, he cheated on his wife,
stole money from his family--
That's the mother.
Can we go?
Oh, good God.
What's he doing?
He's reading the play he lost
to Andrew Lloyd Webber.
It sounds hysterical.
-Fran!
-Tell him I'm working.
No, you're his wife now.
Tell him I'm spending. I'm spending.
Fran, you've gotta read this.
This play is hysterical.
Honey, you're happy? Why?
Because it's a drama. I would have lost
my shirt if you hadn't fallen on Wendell.
-Really?
-Yes!
-May he rest in peace.
-May he rest in peace.